Tag: relationships

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When your mind becomes clear, love can pour into your life

youarelove
love surrounds you, is you

Feeling attraction towards another person is sooooo fun, right?

It happens in all cultures and places in the world and in history.

We make movies about epic love stories, the ups, the downs, the angst, the fulfillment.

Humans love attraction and to fulfill the attraction towards another (and actually, towards anything wanted)….

….to move towards what they want, to connect with it, to investigate it, to explore it, learn all about it, maybe even merge with it, obtain it, get there, have it, be with it.

I mean…..there is a HUGE market in romance novels, right?

The thing is…..there’s something we all actually know that isn’t quite so fun.

We don’t like to know it.

What we know is that it can be pretty stressful on either side of that brilliant fire moment when you get what you want.

Before you get what you want, and you’re hungry. After you get what you want, and you’re full.

a) If you’re on the side of BEFORE you get what you want….

….stress enters with beliefs like: this is taking too long, I’m lonely, it’s too late, I should be farther along by now, the person I want isn’t available, I’m too shy, they won’t like me, I’m empty, I could fail, I hate waiting, this is too stressful, I’m unhappy the way it is, I won’t make it, this sucks, cry.

b) If you’re on the side of AFTER you get what you want….

….stress enters with beliefs like: now what, I’m not really satisfied, what’s next, oh no I’m never satisfied, I’m bored, this isn’t what I expected, this isn’t it, I want something else, I got it wrong, I made a mistake, there must be something more, I’ll keep going, I’ll never rest, I can’t stop now, strive, frustration.

And it seems like that luscious juicy delicious all-satisfied resting place is very short lived.

I once heard one of my favorite teachers, Adyashanti, talking about this. He said as a serious professional bike athlete in his past, he could relate.

An athlete trains and trains for 12 years to cross a line first. Finally the day comes. She or he wins.

Adya chuckled while speaking at this point, saying….

….the winning athlete gets 3 days, maybe a week, of absolute joyful bliss of accomplishment.

Then it’s time to move on.

Wohn-wohn-wohn.

This may be a simplistic way of putting it, and it’s not all black and white, but it’s highlighting the feeling of being attracted to something, a goal, or a person, where the sense of completeness is not yet discovered or felt.

Over here, with myself, I am empty or missing or alone.

If I had that, over THERE then I would be whole, full, found and together.

But is that actually true?

We notice the mind doesn’t ever really feel satisfied. Not the individual personal mind with a small “m”.

It’s constantly unsure.

It’s constantly looking out for what’s missing. It’s constantly thinking it needs something.

Who would you be, though, without your beliefs about LOVE?

If you couldn’t have the thought that you need more love, that you need a mate to actually become loved?

It’s the weirdest, most opposite thought to the dream of what all the love songs are about.

It’s not NORMAL to be satisfied and feel love, connection, presence, wholeness right here.

Except….what if it was?

What if you could sit here, this instant, and turn this whole crazy something-is-missing festival into a love-is-here festival?

Is there something besides your disappointed mind, or your anxious thoughts, that can notice the room you’re in right now?

How does your body feel while you read these words?

What else is surrounding you?

What if you took a deep, deep breath right now, and felt the love pouring into your body through the life force of oxygen?

What if now was enough, enough, enough….

….what would this feel like? What would you walk like? How would you behave today? What would you say? What would you do?

Turning all the thoughts around to the opposite:

This is taking just the right amount of time, I’m connected, it’s not too late, I should be exactly where I am, anything is available to me, I’m not too shy, they like me, I can’t fail, I love pausing, this is exciting, I’m happy the way it is, I will make it, this is awesome, I relax….

….now is sweet, I’m really satisfied, what’s next, my thinking is never satisfied (and I am), I’m entertained, this is better than I expected, this is it, I want this, I got it right, I made a correction, there must be something less, I’ll keep going, I’ll always rest, I can stop now, relax.

This could all be just as true or truer, whether you think you need a lover, a million dollars, to achieve “x”.

Whether it’s true love or spiritual enlightenment, what if this moment here was enough?

“Love is what you are already. Love doesn’t seek anything. It’s already complete. It doesn’t want, doesn’t need, has no shoulds. It already has everything it wants, it already is everything it wants, just the way it wants it…..Seeking love is how you lose the awareness of love. But you can only lose the awareness of it, not the state. That’s not an option, because love is what we all are. That’s immovable.When you investigate your stressful thinking and your mind becomes clear, love pours into your life, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” ~ Byron Katie

In this present moment, I love the sights I have on the horizon. The things I imagine will be fun and wonderful when I arrive there.
But I also know, just like you, that thing we already know.
That it doesn’t really matter if I get there. At all.
The grand experience of peace can only be with letting go of the outcome, the idea of the way it will be someday, later on.
This doesn’t mean if you actually feel alone that you don’t pick up the phone and talk with a good friend, and study your aloneness. It doesn’t mean laying in bed all day (unless it is what is called for in the body). It’s doesn’t mean feeling negatively resigned to never getting “it”. It doesn’t mean dropping your writing schedule as you write your book.
It is noticing what is here, rather than focusing on what is not. It is noticing the nothingness rather than the content of what is passing.

 

It is feeling the love pouring in through the air, the floor you’re standing on, the chair you’re sitting in, the teenager walking past you, the window you’re looking out of, the skin touching the door knob, the warm chest of a friend you’re hugging.

 

And when you feel this way, right NOW….

 

….do you think it might be more possible, or less possible, to experience that luscious juicy all-satisfied fire spark Ah-Ha place?

 

Just saying.
Much Love, Grace
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Be Honest And Set Yourself Free

koalagrouphug
Year of Inquiry group hug – even when its virtual

Several months ago when Year of Inquiry met to question thoughts together one morning via teleconference….a very interesting thought appeared for investigation.

Our topic was  Authority.
Power, control, being bossed, trying to boss yourself, getting manipulated, having concern with who or what is in charge.
People in YOI once again had really profound and varied worksheets, unique to their experiences.
One wonderful inquirer had a few thoughts about Society and how controlling it is about sexuality.
He should, she should, they should….
One thought rose to the surface, very painful and nerve-racking:
Men leave women who don’t want to “x”.
I’m making sure this note is rated G.
You get the idea though. Someone leaves if someone else doesn’t do what they want.
What a frightening and controlling thought.
If I do it, I feel like a slave. If I don’t do it, I’m abandoned.
Rats. No win.
This kind of dynamic can happen in all kinds of relationships that have nothing to do with requests related to sexuality at all.
On the job between boss and employee, or between parents and children, or between friends, or neighbors.
Pretty much between any two people. Period.
If I don’t do what that person wants, I will be abandoned. If they don’t do what I want, I will abandon them!
Dang! Wait a Second! This is true!
I’ve been ditched and I’ve done the ditching a bunch of times because what was wanted by someone…..didn’t happen!!!
Are you sure that’s true?
Yes.
Ask anyone.
When people’s relationships end and someone gets left, it’s because one person wasn’t getting what they wanted from the other person.
Are you completely sure of this?
Well….No.
How do you react when you believe you get left when someone else doesn’t get what they want from you?
Sigh. It’s hard.
Lots of examining relationships, to make sure I’m doing OK, make sure I’m giving enough, being a good friend, a good partner, a good sibling, a good earner, a good pleaser, a good daughter, a good teacher, a good student, a good worker, a good mother, a good granddaughter, a good neighbor, a good citizen.
Anything. But. Abandonment.
But who would you be without that thought?
Without the belief that being left had something to do with you? That you can prevent leaving from occurring? That your leaving had something to do with them? Or that you know what’s best for everyone involved?
Woah.
What if the way it went, or the way it’s going to go, is going to be the best way ever? What if people will do what people will do….and it’s really not so personal?
Turning it around…
If I don’t do what I want, I will be abandoned–by myself!  
Sooooo True!
And let’s face it, we feel awful when we abandon ourselves.
Someone in our inquiry group said “No one ever talks about this!”
She was relieved, loving the freedom to speak and hear from others.
I thought….everyone here is connecting, sharing very honestly, doing the work on a stressful belief about something extremely intimate.
We were all, in that very moment of connecting, sharing and truth-telling….
….we were all experiencing whatever the opposite is of abandoned…..
…set free.
Just like all honest conversations.
“Your enemy is the teacher who shows you what you haven’t healed yet. Any place you defend is where you’re still suffering. There’s nothing out there that can oppose you. There is just fluid motion, like the wind….I am everything that I have ever called other people; they were me all along.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love,
Grace
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When Some Urgency Comes About What’s Needed

So I’m riding my bike yesterday in the glorious spring afternoon, red tulips and yellow daffodils blooming in people’s gardens, the beautiful river I live near swirling slowly along with ducks floating and bright green grass on its banks.

This gorgeous bike trail is smooth pavement, winding between tall poplar trees in straight lines, then pine trees and back yards, then out in the open along the river again.

A whole system of thought enters.

What am I doing here.

Kinda like the opening of Birdman. 

Even though, when you think about it, I could be in a scene from a beautiful movie–and it’s where I actually live.

The thought started with something about the future, my youngest child leaving home in a year.

Mind running, as fast as this bike is moving.

I could hit the road and leave everything and everyone behind! Empty nest!

I could travel the world on a solo journey. I could go stay with Pema Chodron in her monastery for awhile. I could go to Bali and study some kind of exotic yoga. I could see weird and strange sights on this planet.

Let’s see….how much can I charge for rent for my cottage? I wonder what the neighbors pay for their home, I know they rent. I’ll copy that amount.

I really gotta get outta here, change it up, see the world.

I have limited time left. Things are declining body-wise. I’ll exit my primary relationship and ditch it all for a WalkAbout.

Ha ha!

Earlier in the very same day, I’m guiding people in the Desire Course to question what they think is the problem that comes between them and what they desire….and identify what they really want to feel.

Ooops, I almost forgot.

*Ping*!

Right there on the bicycle, seeing my shadow in the sun (wow!) watching a blue heron fly low and then land in the river, I notice who I would be without my thoughts of escape.

I chuckle, noticing how much I love that escape story.

That story where you change everything and everyone in your world and go on an adventure.

Don’t we love it? Bilbo Baggins takes off into the wild blue yonder.

But who would you be without that story (but only the parts where you think you’re trapped)?

Without the story that it’s required, in order to be happy?

It doesn’t mean I don’t go on adventures….it’s noticing I don’t have to. I’m not stuck. And this is it.

THIS is an adventure. Right here.

Even sitting writing this Grace Note, feeling the words pour forward, reflecting on how funny that thing was on the bike trail that went on an imaginary adventure away from the present moment.

Noticing I returned, I felt something watching and laughing at the mixture of ideas.

Coming back to the trail, the front bike wheel, the old woman with gray hair on her bicycle too, the eagle soaring above, the wind on my face, the man’s voice talking on his cell phone, twisting fast past the couple with the baby stroller, the thoughts swirling as much as the river, undulating and moving along, moving along.

Jesus was lost in his love for God.
His donkey was drunk with barley. 

Drink from the presence of saints,
not from those other jars. 

Every object, every being,
is a jar full of delight. 

Be a conoisseur,
and taste with caution. 

Any wine will get you high.
Judge like a king, and choose the purest, 

the ones unadulterated with fear,
or some urgency about “what’s needed.” 

Drink the wine that moves you
as a camel moves when it’s been untied,

and is just ambling about.

~ Rumi

Much love, Grace

P.S. Breitenbush Retreat June 24-28 is filling quickly and early bird rate ends April 30th. Being With Byron Katie retreat July 11-14 is also beginning to fill (we will all watch Katie together here in Seattle all the way from Switzerland via internet). Register for either one if you want to make sure you’ve got space, especially good accommodations. Visit www.workwithgrace.com to find more information about either one!

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Question Your Thoughts About Relationships, Have A Real Vacation

My colleague Ralf Giesen, also a Certified Facilitator of The Work of Byron Katie, was powerfully moved by The Work in 2003.

A friend facilitated him on the beach during a vacation when he was filled with agonizing, repetitive thoughts about a relationship. For his 14 day vacation, the first ten days were full of stressful thoughts, but after the work….

….he got a real 4 day vacation for the remainder of his time at the beach.

I so appreciate Ralf sharing some of his journey in The Work with us.

Click here to watch our conversation.

Does his dilemma sound familiar–having repetitive thoughts about a relationship?

I myself have had overwhelming thoughts about key relationships in my life.

Not just romantic encounters or people I’ve been attracted to. But friends who have done things I’ve found shocking, or very painful, and work mates and colleagues who have said frightening things.

These are the moments for The Work.

This is where you get to deeply face yourself and your own thinking, and find out what you DO have control over….

….not other people, not what happens “to” you….

….but your reaction, your own experience.

What would take you away from feeling unconditional love, joy and acceptance, right here, right now?

Is it true?

If you want to spend more time investigating your thoughts about love, relationships, and the turmoil you’ve believed about them, come join Relationship Hell to Heaven TeleCourse starting next week and Bring It!

Love, Grace

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It Only Takes One Person To Have A Good One

question your thoughts and find relationship heaven, not hell
question your thoughts and find relationship heaven, not hell

Getting full for the Relationship Hell To Heaven 8 week telecourse that starts next Tuesday evening Pacific Time at 5:15-6:45 pm/8:15-9:45 pm Eastern.

If you want to register, do it soon.

To commit or not commit?

Isn’t that just a perfect relationship type dilemma?

Sometimes people have huge agony about making decisions when it comes to relating to others:

Should I do it, or not do it? Should I stay or should I go? When should I give up and move on? Should I reconnect with that old flame? Do I want to respond or stay quiet? Do I need to talk about this, or relax? Should I sign up or wait?

People have these kinds of questions about primary relationships, friendships, jobs, education choices, moving, having kids.

Moving towards or away from something or someone.

So what’s actually going on when it feels difficult, torturous, like you’re making lists of pros and cons, like it’s a matter of life and death practically (even if you know it isn’t)?

Emergency. Put on the spot. Sad. Confused.

Here’s a step that might help in your process, so you relax and allow life to unfold more easily in whatever way feels most aligned.

Look first at what you think is uncomfortable about your choices.

For example….

A long-term client and big fan of The Work and my teleclasses and retreats once asked me a question.

Can I bring my new boyfriend?

The event she wanted to bring her new boyfriend to was a private retreat where everyone involved had paid a fairly big investment to participate over a long period of time in our Year of Inquiry program.

The retreat was a 3 day in-person retreat. Not everyone coming would know each other well, but one thing was shared–they all were deeply involved in YOI and a part of this special group.

This isn’t one of my workshops that’s open to everyone, which most of them are. There are other opportunities for the new boyfriend.

But the request had come with a promise that this new boyfriend loved The Work, had done long-term self-inquiry, would be an incredible asset to the group.

Oooh. Gosh.

It’s nice to have men involved. That’s a wonderful benefit. Some of my programs have 100% women!

But it may be strange for the other participants involved, who didn’t know they could bring THEIR partners and now it appears they CAN….or this might be GOOD, right? They might enjoy this new possibility!

And what about the fee? Other people have paid a lot for a whole year and this is a major event that some participants look forward to all year, the profound aliveness that can happen during an in-person gathering….but its not the whole year, it’s 3 days.

Hmmm. What to do?

If you’ve debated within about saying “yes” or saying “no” this can be really troubling, and something that even wakes you up in the night, going over the pros and cons yet again, feeling anxiety or uncertainty.

So what’s the worst that could happen if you say “no”?

What’s the worst that could happen if you say “yes”?

Notice what your mind is frightened of, in its imagination.

She won’t like me. She won’t come at all. Others will be upset with me. This will be valuable. This will be difficult.

What do you think it means if you opt-out? What about joining in?

Whatever is stressful about it….how about taking it through inquiry?

Doing The Work doesn’t mean you’ll change your mind to the other option, but you can become free, free, free about your choice potentially, if you question the danger you perceive.

Here’s how.

If I choose “x” then I will be unhappy.

How so?

I’ll be trapped. I’ll have to deal with this other person for the rest of my life. I’ll experience pain.

Or, the opposite: I’ll be lonely. I’ll be needy. I’ll be all alone and abandoned for the rest of my life.

Whatever happens, I’ll have regrets. It will be my fault. That will hurt!

Is that true? Are you sure?

Who would you be without your thought?

If you have questions….you can ASK THEM.

I myself wound up polling a few participants from the Year of Inquiry retreat and found every single person a) appreciated being asked and b) said they preferred not to open our retreat to outside participants.

These people are my peeps who I am in service to. I acknowledged their concerns and made my decision that the new boyfriend wouldn’t attend. Simple.

The participant with the request was disappointed but understanding. But even if she had not been, it felt right at the time.

This can take time and attention. You have to find out what your fears are, and check them out, investigate.

Then you can expand your view and make a mature, open-minded decision, even if it feels scary in some ways.

Who would you be if there was no way to make a mistake?

Wow.

“It only takes one clear person to have a good relationship.” ~ Byron Katie

I’d weigh my options and follow my heart and the most peaceful path, with love.

It would turn out great, or difficult. No guarantees.

But I’d be present, clear, lovable…happy. No matter what other people do.

If you find yourself experiencing pain, stress, irritation, agony around someone else in your life–parent, partner, boss, employee, neighbor–then come join us in Relationship Hell To Heaven to begin to inquire and find your freedom to be clear.

Click HERE to register.

Love, Grace

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Are You Sure You Were Hurt And Might Get Hurt Again?

wide open freedom without believing
wide open freedom without believing

We need to talk.

Have you ever had someone text you, or leave a voicemail, or send you an email, or mail you a letter, or say this when you see each other….

….and you have a little voice inside that says “oh no”?

Surge of adrenaline.

Maybe the inner frightened voice takes off chattering.

What’d I do? What’s the problem now? They don’t like me.

Sometimes people think those four words “we need to talk” mean you’re about to get broken up with! Ouch.

This is one of my favorite ideas to do The Work on…..

….the story that I am about to be hurt by someone’s words, because they are not pleased with my behavior.

Whether they’re about to say I’m a jerk, or they didn’t like what I did or said, or they’re so unhappy they are leaving this relationship, it can bring up a strange sense of fear.

Let’s take a look, using The Work.

You may notice, you’ve believed this thought for years, since you were a kid even.

Here’s the Big Stressful Belief in summary:

It is possible to be hurt by other people’s words (or actions).

Dang. Doesn’t that seem true?

Is it?

Yes, yes, yes!

People are mean. People have said hard things. They’ve left me. They’ve cut me off. They’ve told me they don’t like stuff I do, or think, or say.

It’s made me cry. I’ll do anything to avoid it. It feels like a knife in my heart.

I hate when people don’t like me. It sucks.

Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure it’s true?

Wow. Really?

But wait.

Think about this answer, deeply.

Can other people really hurt you with their words, or actions? What do you mean by “hurt”?

Do they not have a right to their opinion? Is it a permanent opinion, or something changeable?

Does everyone have to like you? Does everyone have to look like someone who is kind, or loving, or caring?

I notice that people who act nice sometimes aren’t, and people who act mean sometimes aren’t.

I notice human feelings are movable, malleable, changing.

How do you react when you believe you can be hurt?

Do you stay away from people? Do you make sure not to get too close? Do you stay home, just to avoid possible rejection? Do you keep quiet in a group or a classroom? Do you act agreeable, saying “yes” when you really mean “no”? Do you smile a lot?

Phew.

Now don’t get upset with yourself for being such a pleaser. You’ve done what you needed to do, you thought, in order to survive.

This is not the time to say you’re stupid for being so worried about what other people think.

This is learning, here. You’re OK.

I was at a huge party not long ago. An acquaintance I was speaking to I realized had a few drinks. He was talking about an event next fall and telling me the dates of when it would be happening and how I had to come, and leaning in too far, repeating himself.

“Are you free those dates?”

I nodded in agreement, trying to see my escape route around the table out of the corner of my eye.

I heard myself mumble “yes, I think I’m free around that time.”

I knew I would never go to that event, even if I was free.

But something about the alcohol-breath and the loud voices all around and the party atmosphere made me not be direct. Not that I would do it any differently overall, but why on earth say that I’m even free?

Jeez!

Who would I be without the belief that people can hurt me with words or actions?

Even if he had started calling me names, or been abrupt somehow?

Even if someone said “I’m breaking up with you” (it’s happened).

Even if someone said “I don’t like the way you handled that, or said this, or acted like that” (it’s happened).

Even if someone said “I don’t want to hang out with you any more” (it’s happened).

Without the belief that these words or actions are painful, I notice there’s no defense.

The energy still comes at me and goes right through me. It feels uncomfortable for a moment.

But also exciting.

Something within feels very, very quiet and solid.

Something feels raw and exposed and vulnerable, but also like this energy is nothing to be truly afraid of.

I notice having people say things, or leave, hasn’t killed me.

Usually, it’s been eye-opening, and powerful.

Turning the belief around:

It is impossible to be hurt by other people’s words (or actions). It is possible to be healed by other people’s words or actions.

She hurt me—she healed me. 

He hurt me—he healed me.

I hurt her. I hurt him. I hurt myself.

WOW. Could this all be as true, or truer?

“No thought you have ever had is true. No opinion you have ever held is right. Let them go. No idea you have of yourself, or of who or what you are, has ever corresponded to reality. Or ever will. Let them go….Let grace stop you.” ~ David Carse in Perfect Brilliant Stillness

What an adventure the “criticism” has been. What thrill.

What welcome destruction of the little “I” who thinks its so important and gets so jumpy the minute its judged.

“Don’t wish for union! There’s a closeness beyond that…Fall in love in such a way that it frees you from any connecting. Love is the soul’s light, the taste of morning; no me, no we, no claim of being…As eyes in silence, tears, face: love cannot be said.” ~ Rumi

Could it be true that I was only hurting myself with my own imagination and stories, every time I believed others could hurt me?

It doesn’t mean I don’t feel energy coursing through me when you call me names, or walk away, or do something harmful.

But the energy goes through and past, its met with understanding and love.

I feel it, completely, and cry, or laugh, or take a quick in-breath….and see that love is still right here…..always.

Love, Grace

 [stextbox id=”custom”]P.S. Free webinar on Desire and The Work of Byron Katie (a happy marriage) on March 26th 10-11:30 am Pacific Time. More in tomorrow’s Grace Note. Stay tuned![/stextbox]

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Rockin’ In The Free World With Inquiry

with inquiry - free world
with inquiry – free world

I remember when I first got to The School for The Work ten years ago.

My thoughts so innocently at the time were basically I had no trouble with anyone….

….or if I did, that was in the past. Done. Fini.

Any remnant thoughts of those people were MY problem and I had done “a lot of work” on those problem people already, so I was kinda over it.

Code word for “a lot of work” is many hours in therapy, in workshops, or with close friends analyzing, discussing, rehashing and talking about the people who had been problems in my life.

And finding solutions for how not to feel bad about those people, or about myself.

All of it actually really important.

I don’t dismiss the profound support I received from mentors, people in dynamic roles offering different ways to approach my predicaments.

Awesome. Some invaluable.

But I really did talk about some of those problem people ad nauseam.

When I found The Work, it was soooooo fantastic for cutting through the BS, not explaining myself, not speaking in my own defense, not trying to sound pleasant and non-jugmental while still expressing terror or rage.

No, all that pretzel-twisting was over.

I didn’t have to try to communicate what I was feeling in any particular way.

It was on the paper. Unedited. Blunt. Real.

I could then begin to explore if these judgments and complaints were actually true.

It didn’t matter how I got the judgments in the first place, or if they were justified.

The focus was truth.

I brought up every single person I felt difficulty with in my life, one by one: grandpa, grandma, mom, dad, siblings, best friend, boyfriend, husband, dog.

I went for the relationships that had hurt the most, in my opinion.

The times that felt unbearable, devastating, or shameful.

Or when I felt like hitting someone I was so angry!

I noticed how I acted now, in my daily life, when I believed my thoughts about those people, even if they had been dead for years.

Mean. Impatient. Sad.

I then got to imagine who I’d be without my thoughts….

….Noticing the air, the chair I was sitting in, the open window latch, the hum of the distant street, the color of the plate on the table.

Present.

When I turned my thoughts around about those mean, nasty people from my past…..I got surprised!

She was controlling? I was controlling–of both her, but mostly of me! He was distant? I was distant from him, hiding my real thoughts–but mostly distant from myself! They were critical of me? I was critical of them inside my head–but mostly critical of myself inside my head.

Wow.

You mean this is no one’s fault? Nobody is to blame? Everyone was doing the best they could? They were just acting the same way I already was acting with me?

I could only really get this, though, by walking slowly through each concept on my worksheets–not by flipping to the turnarounds or being speedy about the process.

Going slowly was the speediest.

That’s why every week in the Relationships teleclass (or any teleclass), we look at one thought and walk it all the way from the top to the bottom of inquiry, investigating its flavor and meaning.

“Just understand that what you see is not what is. Appearances will dissolve on investigation and the underlying reality will come to the surface. You need not burn the house to get out of it. You just walk out. It is only when you cannot come and go freely that the house becomes a jail.”~ Nisargadatta

With inquiry, over and over again what I thought was true, I realize after inquiry…..wasn’t.

All those meanies and rejecters, weren’t, and didn’t.

This is not the natural way of my mind. My thoughts will still take off after someone who says something that stings. My heart will still feel broken about someone I miss. Adrenaline will still rush through my body with a jolt when I’m about to walk out on stage in front of a whole bunch of people or have an important confrontational talk with a friend.

But these reactions really are far, far, far less. I can’t tell you how much shorter, or how I’m already laughing even as the adrenaline is coming to the end of its wave.

It has made a difference.

Now, it feels most of the time like everything and anything can be worked with.

Bring it on, even. Bring it.

Wow, it’s a free world.

So free, I could dance!

Love, Grace

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I’ve Been Cheated! And Other Invitations To Freedom

He cheated on me. I was betrayed. She abandoned me. 

This orientation to partnership is very common.

Many times, in working with others about romantic relationships, they will speak these words.

I love the way the word “cheated” comes up.

People use this word to describe going off diets (I cheated on my diet) or money (he cheated me out of my fair share) or love.

When you use the word “cheated”…. 

….about anything…

….you are sitting right in the center of pain.

You are shouting from the rooftops that YOU are WRONGED, that you are worthy of being cheated on, that you are damaged.

I know it hurts. I do understand. I’ve had the very same thoughts!

But inquiring and seeing, with more open eyes instead of the eyes of a victim, can be the most liberating thing ever.

People will say “I can’t let go of how hurt I was” like it means they will lose a battle.

If you say this, you may be losing already, you may be in a battle getting beaten to a pulp, so you may as well look more closely and see.

Let’s do it!

He or she cheated on you.

Is that true?

Yes! Disaster! Life story changed! The most terrible horrible thing happened! The worst that I could imagine came true!

But who would you be without the belief that it is even possible to be cheated on?

Weird, I know.

It’s such a long, abiding story of lover relationships. We guaranteed to remain true to each other, only, and never change our minds.

(Impossible to guarantee anything, have you noticed?)

But really. What if it was not cheating? What if there was no such thing?

What if there was simply human being moving from here, to over there, following their own impulses or desires or interests?

Can you really vow to never have a thought, a desire, an attraction towards more than one person….

….or even if you naturally keep this vow just because of the way you are without trying….

….can you really expect or demand that someone else sees only you 100% of the time without any smithereen of an interest in anyone else?

Who would you really be without the belief that you need that person’s attention, love, desire, commitment or vow?

Wow.

For me, the freedom was at first frightening. And then, incredible.

Natural. Soaring.

What if the thing that happened with someone else is an invitation to something even better, different?

What if you could find something brilliant in the experience, even of your own imagination moving towards someone else when you’re apparently in a committed relationship?

What if you used all this as exploration, curious development, wonder?

When I was in a committed relationship once, I watched myself get sparked by another (in horror and guilt some of the time, when I was believing the old relationship thoughts).

When I cut the control, stopped trying to hide it like it was a sin or something, I noticed the deep lack of integrity within my thinking….

….but also the joy in celebrating the beauty I saw.

For me, I brought the conversation very openly to my current partner, who I loved and adored, and as it turned out, we became closer than ever. The intimacy got deeper between us.

I mostly learned about myself and seduction, fun, romance, connection and all the variations it can take….sometimes unexpectedly.

What I noticed was I loved clarity, honesty, no secrets, including my own.

What if you were completely and totally free?

“By watching your mind, you will notice that it is engaged in the process of trying to make everything okay….When you see the mind telling you how to fix the world and everyone in it in order to suit yourself, just don’t listen….free your energies so you can free yourself. Right in the midst of your daily life, by untethering yourself from the bondage of your psyche, you actually have the ability to steal freedom for your soul. This freedom is so great it has been given a special name–liberation.” ~ Michael Singer

If you’re wanting to finding love, romance, sexuality, connecting, bonding, enmeshing, or break-ups….

….and the “problems” they’ve brought you to bring liberation instead….

….then join me in the 8 week teleclass Our Wonderful Sexuality starting next week on Thursdays. 10 am Pacific/1:00 pm Eastern/6:00 pm UK. Click HERE to register or write grace@workwithgrace.com with questions.

Much love,

Grace

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Waking Up Is Not Dictating What Others Should Do–Including The S Word

Breitenbush Hotsprings Annual Retreat in Oregon June 24-28 is open for registration. Sign up soon for the best accommodation choices by calling 503-854-3320.

It is awesome. We do The Work deeply on what disturbs our peace….there is nothing like awakening with yourself as your own teacher, questioning your stressful thoughts. And the location helps, too.

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Do you have rules about a partner's activities that scare you or make you mad? Inquiry can REALLY help!
Do you have rules about a partner’s activities that scare you or make you mad? Inquiry can REALLY help!

“Do we have to share about our sex life, or lack of it?” she said with a nervous laugh.Not long ago someone wrote to me to say she was wondering about taking the upcoming Sexuality teleclass, but felt a little embarrassed.

It is SUCH a difficult topic.

Although, you could question that.

Isn’t it uncomfortable only because we’ve been very well trained to feel guilty, sad, jealous, unworthy, or frightened when it comes to sexual contact and sexuality?

OMG! Something terrible will happen if I feel attraction to “x”!

OMG! Something terrible will happen if I don’t feel attraction to “y”!

OMG! It is horrible when pairings change around and switch, or people sleep with one then another, or people leave long-time monogamous relationships!

OMG! I can’t say that out loud!

Really?

It’s weird all the rules and regulations people learn, often from adults ever since they are kids.

This over here is right. That over there is wrong.

It is such an incredible thing to question these “truths” or beliefs and take them to inquiry.

Just because you’re questioning them doesn’t mean all hell will break loose or you won’t have solid ground to stand on, don’t worry.

One of the biggest sources of pain is when people believe they should be with one person sexually or “in relationship”, and that same person has been with others!

I mean, people get really freaked out about this.

If you find yourself upset about a partner’s history, current desires, other relationships, or life outside of contact with you….

….you may want to inquire.

You may be making yourself completely crazy in where insanity is not necessary.

At all.

Here’s the general concept that flips people into the most whacked emotional states….and I can mention it, because that was me.

“That person should have no one but me as their partner, they should care about only me, they should sleep with only me, they should love only me in this special romantic partnered way.”

IS THAT TRUE?!?

Good lord, no.

What’s the reality of relationships?

I note that people throughout history are moving, going, coming, committing, ending, divorcing, breaking up. Since the beginning of humankind.

Apparently, Reality is that there are no hard and fast rules. Some are interested in one-to-one for many years, others like moving about.

What if there was really no “right” or “wrong”?

If this upsets you, why? What’s the danger?

And what WILL people think if you speak out loud anyway?

Seriously. Answer this question.

What is the actual problem with people not committing, or people having multiple relationships, or your partner choosing someone else, or talking about sex?

When I really looked at this with an open mind, I realized that the danger for me, when getting divorced, was that I was imagining I was worthy of being rejected, abandoned, or having a failed marriage.

It meant something about ME.

ME ME ME.

BAD BAD BAD.

But who would you be without the belief that the motions of other people, even that one you really love and adore, should be close to YOU ONLY?

“Part of waking up is that you live your life as you see fit. And understand: that is not selfish. The selfish thing is to demand that someone else live their life as YOU see fit. THAT’S selfish. It is not selfish to live your life as you see fit. The selfishness lies in demanding that someone else live their life to suit your tastes, or your pride, or your profit, or your pleasure. That is truly selfish….I no longer avoid you because of any negative feelings you create in me. You don’t have that power anymore.” ~ Anthony DeMello

Can you taste the freedom in allowing people to come and go as they please? The joy in you getting to do this, too?

And oh the freedom of speaking what you really want to say out loud. Of saying those words, those beliefs and thoughts that you’re thinking about what should or should not happen physically with others.

How could it be a good thing, that life shows up this way, with unknown couplings and unexpected attractions, with unplanned commitments and joyful long relationships?

How could it be awesome to talk about it?

When I felt the freedom available to me in divorce, in break ups, in losing all expectations for what relationships were supposed to look like….

….ahhhhh. Such wonder.

The fun, the discussions, the play, the exploration, the conversations! So wonderful, so intimate!

If you feel pain about any aspect of sexuality….ideas, loss, rules, difficulty, longing, fear, nervousness….

….you might love the upcoming Our Wonderful Sexuality class starting Thursday mornings 10-11:30 am Pacific time on January 22nd.

With respect for ourselves and every voice that wants to talk inside us, we write down our painful beliefs we tell ourselves about relationships, whether past, present or future….

….and free our minds.

Won’t you join me?

Much love,

Grace

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Be Honest (About That Secret Thought) And Set Yourself Free

Last Tuesday when Year of Inquiry met to question thoughts together in the morning via teleconference….a very interesting thought appeared for investigation.

Our topic this month is Authority.

Power, control, being bossed, trying to boss yourself, getting manipulated, having concern with who or what is in charge.

People once again had really profound and varied worksheets.

One wonderful inquirer had a few thoughts about Society and how controlling it is about sexuality.

He should, she should, they should….

There were different aspects of thought around relationship on her worksheet, but here’s the thought that rose to the surface, that felt very painful and nerve-racking:

Men leave women who don’t want to “x”.

I’m making sure this note is rated G.

You get the idea though. Someone leaves if someone else doesn’t do what they want.

What a frightening and controlling thought.

If I do it, I feel like a slave. If I don’t do it, I’m abandoned. Rats. No win.

This kind of dynamic can happen in all kinds of relationships. On the job between boss and employee, or between parents and children, or between friends, or neighbors.

Pretty much between any two people. Period.

If I don’t do what that person wants, I will be abandoned. If they don’t do what I want, I will abandon them!

Dang! Wait a Second! This is true!

I’ve been ditched and I’ve done the ditching a bunch of times because what was wanted by someone…..didn’t happen!

Are you sure that’s true?

Yes. Ask anyone.

When people’s relationships end and someone gets left, it’s because one person wasn’t getting what they wanted from the other person.

Are you completely sure of this?

No.

How do you react when you believe people get left when someone doesn’t get what they want?

Sigh. It’s hard.

Lots of examining relationships, to make sure I’m doing OK, make sure I’m giving enough, being a good friend, a good partner, a good sibling, a good earner, a good pleaser, a good daughter, a good teacher, a good student, a good worker, a good mother, a good granddaughter, a good neighbor, a good citizen.

Anything. But. Abandonment.

But who would you be without that thought?

Without the belief that being left had something to do with you? That you can prevent leaving from occurring? That your leaving had something to do with them? Or that you know what’s best for everyone involved?

Woah.

Amazing, right? What if the way it went, or the way it’s going to go, is going to be the best way ever?
Turning it around…

If I don’t do what I want, I will be abandoned–by myself!  

Sooooo True!

And let’s face it, we feel awful when we abandon ourselves.

Someone in our inquiry group said “No one ever talks about this!”

I thought….everyone here is connecting, sharing very honestly, doing the work on a belief about something extremely intimate, and sometimes troubling or off, sometimes incredibly beautiful.

We were all whatever the opposite is of abandoned, in that time of working together….

….set free.

Just like all honest conversations.

Much love,

Grace