Tag: michael singer

Posted on

Is It Really Your Fault?

“This is your fault!”I’m sure you’ve had the experience of saying this to yourself.
Something happens. It’s bad.
Your mind races.
Maybe even after the situation is resolved, when you think about it from time to time, you feel upset with yourself all over again.
A few weeks ago, I received a notice for a past retirement account, with a very small balance, saved from one job I had long ago.
As I looked at the statement, I thought about how it was my fault that I don’t have a normal retirement plan like other people. All those jobs I’ve had long ago, in my twenties and thirties, where I was presented with the options for savings.
And didn’t take them, or put in the minimum required.
So now, it’s my own damn fault I don’t have any savings.
Ugh.
How do you react when you think you made a mistake, it’s your responsibility you’re in the predicament you’re in?How does it feel in your body when you think it’s your fault…and it’s a bad thing?

Heavy, depressing, low, thick, nauseated, jittery, aching, sleepy, crushing.

There you are, sitting in a chair, or walking along, or going about your day, and you think of that stupid thing you did or what you said.

You could prevent it next time, surely. Maybe you could “pay” for it or work your ass off and feel better.

This is not a friendly belief.

It produces tons of stress. Therefore, it is also not a true thought.
Beliefs that are true to the deepest space within…beyond the Small You…feel peaceful, calm, simple, open.
I love sitting with who I would be, in these moments where I decided I was wrong and worthy of blame, without the belief that it was my fault?
“Can you be lovable NOT meeting the standards? Can you stop trying to change into who you wish you were long enough to find
out who you really are? You will never improve yourself enough to meet your standards.” ~ Cheri Huber

Wow!

If I turn the painful belief around and look at this concept “there is no fault” what would that be like?

Wait…what?

But what about the pain, the difficulties of the world, the people who are hurting, the mental illness, addiction, cancer, disease, psychopaths, murderers, violence!?!

There has to be a reason for these, it has to be someone’s fault!!

If we don’t find out whose fault it is then terrible things will happen over and over again. I have to find out the root of the badness and pull it out!What if it’s not possible? Who would you be?

Empty. Silent. Open. Vast. Expansive. Wondering. Free. More relaxed, not tight.

Not against anything. Not sure. Not knowing. Mind without a job.
Mind at rest.
“The reward for not protecting your psyche is liberation…When you see your heart start getting anxious, you are obviously aware of this experience. But who is aware? it is the consciousness, the indwelling being, the Soul, the Self.” ~ Michael Singer
Love, Grace
P.S. If you have the thought that it’s your fault when it comes to money…there will be a new eight week teleclass starting in January, where you can seriously question this belief. Tuesdays 5:15-6:45 pm, click HERE for more information.

 

Posted on

It’s Not You, It’s Me

Yesterday I spent time contemplating a moment when I’ve felt I’m not enough.

It’s called Morning.

Don’t get me wrong….I LOVE the morning. I’m such a morning person, always have been. I love waking up with a big open wide day ahead of me. I usually sleep really well. I sleep deeply. I wake up feeling good physically, sometimes kind of excited.

And yet, often, within literally 60 seconds of eyes open, still lying down in bed, the lists appear.

I wrote about this thoroughly in my Eating Peace note, and I know some of you get both Grace Notes and Eating Peace notes in your inbox, so don’t worry, I’m not going to talk about the same exact thing today.

But those lists. Holy Smokes. If you take them seriously, it can be stressful.

And here is one very painful idea that might be on your list, that is something kind of subtly twisted that the mind spouts off sometimes, and can make you feel sad and resigned.

It’s the belief that YOU are the problem.

Not other people. YOU.

You don’t feel light and happy because of this knowledge. It’s not like “oh goody, I only have to worry about myself, not those other jerks, whew what a relief.”

This is more like “it always comes back to me, I am completely f*&%ed up, I’m a loser, I never get it, I never change, I’m stupid, I can see this is all me, not other people, I know I need to grok something here but I keep missing it.”

Awhile back I had the sweetest client who was working on his relationship with his elderly mom.

He had done mega self-help programs. He was a therapist. He had spent 40+ years researching human behavior and happiness. He had a lot to say about his mother, her childhood, his childhood. He had great understanding of how everyone was hooked up in personality, what was going on in this difficult relationship.

When he went to write a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, he said something I hear again and again from inquirers….

….I already know this worksheet isn’t about my mother, it’s about me. I already know I need to change. I can hear the turnarounds in my head as I write them all down on paper. If I write down that she’s a bitch, I already know that I act the same way and that I’m an ass.

Ouch.

This is not doing The Work.

Not if you think all this and feel self-criticism, discouragement, anger, resentment towards yourself, or self-hate.

Not if you’re SURE you know what the problem is, and it’s You.

“Explore being open to possibilities beyond what you think you know. There’s nothing more exciting than discovering the don’t-know mind. It’s like diving. Keep asking the quesion and wait. Let the answer find you…..When the mind asks sincerely, the heart will respond. You may begin to experience revelations about yourself and your world, revelations that can transform your whole life, forever.” ~ Byron Katie

What if you stopped being so sure it’s YOU all the time?

Who would you be without that belief that when you feel stress, something is wrong with you, and you should fix it (with The Work or whatever else you know about)?

What if you stopped thinking you need to change….at all?

What if you just relaxed about all of it, without giving up in disgust?

What if you turned your thought around that it’s always YOU that’s the problem, in any situation where you’re having trouble with other people….

….what if you tried on the crazy idea that it’s NEVER you that’s the problem when you have troubles with other people in your life, like your mother?

How could this be as true, or truer?

Here are my examples:

1) This mind is running like a little machine, busy with spewing out thoughts that it learned when old enough to think. Did “I” do that? No.

2) This experience with another person who bugs me or incites anger, fear or sadness inside me is magnetic, I get pulled to looking at it, thinking about it, ruminating over it, fascinated by it over and over again…maybe that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me, but instead that there’s something important here to investigate.

3) I am not ‘letting’ something bother me when I should not let it bother me. If I could control that, I would. Maybe it’s supposed to bother me, since it does.

Maybe I am sensitive, loving, caring, and tender on the inside. That’s why I care about this tricky and disturbing relationship, because I’m not being real and loving with ME when it comes to that person.

I’m believing I hate that person, or I think they hate me….which is a lie.

I love that person, I’m connected to her. We’re humans in this soup called planet earth, together.

“If you’re not trying to make people fit into your preconceived notions of what you like and dislike, you will find that relationships are not really that difficult. If you’re not so busy judging and resisting people based upon what is blocked inside of you, you will find that they are much easier to get along with–and so are you. Letting go of yourself is the simplest way to get closer to others.” ~ Michael Singer

This includes letting go of your own thoughts about things being your fault. Letting go of your preconceived notions about YOU and that you don’t like “x” about you and you do like “y” about you.

What if your relationship with yourself were not really that difficult? What if you didn’t have to resist who you are, especially when it comes to other people?

What if how you’re reacting is OK?

Welcome to The Work.

Much love, Grace

Posted on

Eating Peace: Do You Believe You’re Not Enough?

People who are hurting around their relationship with food and eating have their unique paths and experiences when it comes to food.

You may have noticed something funny happening with food when you were a kid, like really super young. You noticed craving desserts, hiding stuff under your bed, sneaking things out of the “special food” cupboard where treats were kept by your parents.

Or maybe it began in adolescence when you were a teenager. You don’t really remember ever thinking about food or eating before you were in middle or high school, but you started worrying about looking fat, that your appearance had to do with food, and you were doing it wrong. You wanted to be thinner, different, better.

Sometimes, people have eating aggravations that begin when they are adults, well past their highly active years, when they are what we call “middle age”. They start to get an extra layer of fat around the middle. They never lose pregnancy weight. They’re never the way they were when they played football as a young man. They start to yo-yo with weight.

But one thing I’ve seen that everyone has in common?

It’s not really about the food at all.

There’s something else you don’t like. Something else troubling, sad, upsetting or annoying.

What is it?

Ooooooh. Good question.

Hard to figure out sometimes—because it zooms by so fast. Like a flicker on a movie screen or something scooting by out of the corner of your eye, and you’re not sure what.

Kind of hard to look and see what something is, when it zips by so fast like something hiding in the bushes, in the dark, with no moon or streetlights in sight!

And yet….

….there’s one idea people will tell me often who come from every kind of experience with food. Whether they are concerned with being fifty pounds too heavy, or eating too much junk food, or intense binge-eating, or staying on a perfect food plan….

….one thought often is spoken, and believed.

I’m not enough.

I’m just not enough for life. It’s too much work. I’m not successful. I can’t. I failed. I haven’t made it. I haven’t done it.

Too hard, too lonely, too unloved, too empty, too disappointing, too limited.

I am not ENOUGH.

There is always more to do. I just want to have fun. I can’t relax. I “have to”….clean, take care of kids or other people, work, earn money, meditate, exercise, write.

I haven’t….seen the world, found a great partner, become financially solvent, achieved all I wanted to achieve, gained spiritual enlightenment.

This is a little different than the belief “I am not good enough”.

I’m just not enough. I want to be MORE.

It’s a very deep feeling that there is something missing.

I know you don’t have this thought at every waking hour…but see if you have it when you feel like eating too much, or eating that you’re allergic to, or avoiding exercise you really love, or doing anything with an addictive quality to it.

Like…for example…I have my thing with caffein.

It doesn’t seem to ever be entirely over. I love coffee with real whole cream in it.

I stop for awhile from time to time. Sometimes a long while.

But lately, I’ve been making myself my little french press pot of coffee again, pouring that delicious thick cream into my gorgeous black and red cup and drinking it in every morning.

It’s true I never think about coffee or caffein for the rest of the day…I could make it sound like it’s no big deal…but it makes my skin very dry.

I put up with it. Because I want MORE in the morning when I wake up. More liveliness, more energy, more pleasure, more of a zip zap kick yum.

What if I stopped an inquired? Shall we? Let’s do it!

That moment in the morning….it’s not quite enough.

Is it true?

Oh. Huh. Hmmm.

Can we skip this part?

No skipping. Just look. Nothing terrible will happen. It’s simply noticing what that thing is, the thing believing in Not Enough.

Well, OK. It’s not true.

In the morning there is space, quiet, a big beautiful kitchen with things in it ready to move from dishwasher to cupboard to garbage bin to a wet cloth.

Things these eyes see, ready to move from here to there to celebrate the beauty of the moment.

In this moment of the morning there is evidence of the activity from yesterday, the movement of bodies coming and going, putting things down on counters, picking things up.

In this moment there is a mind thinking about what needs to happen this day…groceries, dandelions pulled, book to finish, writing to complete, yoga class, drawer emptied out and piece of furniture moved, emails to write, emails to answer, tickets to purchase.

The list. It might be long.

Get some coffee before you start. Ha ha!

Who would you be without that thought, that something is missing…or it would be just a wee bit better if “x” was already done, or “y” was here.

Surely, it would be better if I wasn’t alone right now, or that project was finished, or the dandelions were already all pulled from the yard, or I had more money in savings, or I woke up spiritually.

But who would you be without thinking any of these beliefs were true?

“You have to understand that it is your attempt to get special experiences from life that makes you miss the actual experience of life….People tend to burden themselves with so many choices. But, in the end, you can throw it all away and just make one basic, underlying decision: Do you want to be happy, or do you not want to be happy? It’s really that simple” ~ Michael Singer

You mean…if I simply entertained the idea that I am enough, right now? That everything that has ever happened is enough, and that this moment is also enough, and that whatever happens in the future is…enough?

Without having to boost, add, do, think, be any different?

Wow.

Suddenly I remember how wondrous it is to feel the vibrant beauty of any given moment, even a morning moment when a list appears in the mind.

I remember how curious I am about investigating how I feel about life, and this beginning-of-the-day moment…and how lovely to have hot drink, and it doesn’t matter if it is caffeinated or not caffeinated.

No right, no wrong.

Interested and fascinated with the idea of needing nothing extra, of being enough, without putting anything into the mouth, into the body.

No argument with this moment NOT being enough.

You can ask yourself at any moment when you feel a craving, an urge, when you have the thought to get something or add something….

….am I believing there isn’t enough right now?

What if the opposite is as true, or truer?

What if I am enough, this moment is overflowing with plenty, pulsing with life, no matter what’s happening?

See what’s really true.

Don’t make stuff up, trying to be positive.

Write down what is here right now, notice everything. Write what you’re seeing, what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling.

Keep noticing. Nothing else required.

“What is is. I am not running this show. I don’t belong to myself, and you don’t belong to yourself. We are not ours. We are the ‘is’.” ~ Byron Katie

I am enough. I watch this unfold.

I am not interested in arguing with life, as if I know better and there’s a secret “more” somewhere.

What a relief.

I notice it didn’t finish the coffee in the cup. It forgot all about it.

You can stop and watch this moment, too, if you want. You don’t have to. I recommend it though.

It may be the sweetest thing you’ve ever noticed.

In the upcoming Eating Peace program that starts October 26th, we’ll learn about little tools you can use to stop. We’ll learn to slow down this speedy mind-flicker that skips past being here, now.

You may find, your cravings become really interesting instead of horrible. You may find, they begin to disappear. I always found it so helpful to have other people all in this together, gathered for support.

But you don’t have to be in the Eating Peace program….you can do this today, when you feel like overeating or like trying to be perfect.

Much love, Grace

Posted on

Being Happy Regardless of What Happens

Over the years doing inquiry, I sometimes hear this objection to questioning thoughts:

But what if it’s just plain true? What if there’s no doubt that something happened, and it’s irrefutable?

Like, my mom slapped me. She did.

I did lose all my money. I broke my leg. I got cancer. I got divorced. My father died. My grandfather was a control freak. I moved. My childhood is over. My children are gone.

Those things happened!

Well…yes they did. This isn’t about questioning facts of life.

This is about investigating what you believed, and perhaps still believe, about that event, that experience…when it’s painful.

Here are a few easy ways to get to the heart of yourself, and your pain, when you notice you feel stress about something that happens.

Let’s say someone is really upset with you. They’re not speaking to you anymore. Maybe they yelled at you and it was really obvious that they were super pissed off. Maybe you’ve called, written, emailed, facebooked, and they never write back.

Maybe they just had a look on their face that wasn’t pleasant. Maybe you’re not sure what went wrong.

You notice a clench in the gut. You notice your mind start to get a little interested.

As you think about this person, or the situation where you feel sad about what happened, or irritated, any kind of stressful feeling at all…..see what you believe it means that it happened that way.

Since she said that thing to me, and made that face….what I think it means is that she hates me. I’ve done this wrong. I scared her. People get confused. People are nuts. The universe is a difficult place. She could hurt me again. They don’t like me. I’m in danger.

Now….just pick one concept to question.

Are you sure that when that happened, it meant what you think it meant?

Can you really know if something is lost and over (including someone’s life) that it means this world is weird and full of loss, dangerous, or that you’re all alone and it’s entirely hopeless?

No.

How do you react when you believe that whatever happened means something frightening, or bad, or difficult, or hard, or shocking?

Very anxious. Very sad. Very lonely. Very hurt. Very upset. Worried about the activities of reality, every single day even.

But who would you be without the belief that you know what that event means? Who would you be without the thought that you know what was going on with that person, or that it’s threatening to you personally, or that it means something stressful about life?

Strange.

If I don’t know what something means….even that thing that happened that seems harsh, or that everyone generally agrees is a tough experience….

….who would I be? What would I be?

“For many people, life without their story is literally unimaginable. They have no reference for it. ‘I don’t know’ is a common answer to this question. Other people answer by saying ‘I’d be free’ or ‘I’d be peaceful’ or I’d be a more loving person.’ You could also say, ‘I’d be clear enough to understand the situation and act efficiently.’ Without our stories, we are not only able to act clearly and fearlessly; we are also a friend, a listener. We are people living happy lives. We are appreciation and gratitude that have become as natural as breath itself.” ~ Byron Katie

Try it today.

It starts with imagination. Your mind is excellent at imagination.

Who would you be in this moment, without knowing what that event meant…the one you’ve been thinking all this time was horrible, or difficult?

I’d be feeling the blood pulse in my arms and hands, hearing the cars outside the open window, smelling the fresh late summer air drift through the window slats, feeling the beat of my heart, seeing the colors, the magnificent color of this white couch I sit on.

Everything is incredible.

I get to see where this all goes, how it unfolds next, what direction it takes.

With a very fresh, open mind.

“Billions of things could happen that you haven’t even thought of yet. The question is not whether they will happen. Things are going to happen. The real question is whether you want to be happy regardless of what happens.” ~ Michael Singer

If I turn around every experience I see as difficult, into one I see as an opportunity for peace and happiness….then wow, I get a lot of opportunities.

It’s actually very exciting, very liberating.

Thank you world for everything you’re presenting, thank you for this moment, that previous moment, every hard time, every easy time, every time, every time.

Much Love,  Grace

P.S. Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starts next week Mondays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. Still a few spaces. Click HERE for more information.

Posted on

Never Stop Trying, Change The World

keepgoingWWGI can hardly believe it. Something good has happened. Something I was dreaming of happening for a long time.

Beyond expectation, really.

Have you ever had that experience?

You’ve been working towards something, running, stepping back, carrying on….and something wonderful happens.

A dream, come true.

You say while shaking your head and tearing up with the sheer joy of it….“wow, this is amazing, I can hardly believe it!”

One of my dreams is gathering many together in community, growing a practice, creating things that help people….

….and it’s happening.

I’m almost full for the Year of Inquiry program starting next week, like bursting full of truly incredible people.

I should probably replace the word “people” with “women” because we are all women. Women flying from several parts of the country for the retreats, women from Seattle. Women from England, Germany, Spain, Canada, some enrolled in the teleclass portion only.

Women who are already certified facilitators in The Work, many women who have attended The School for The Work, and women brand new to The Work.

I feel like my peeps are showing up, ready to practice deeply looking.

Together.

That’s what we’re doing….and it has strength and wonder in it.

I’ve worked with many people who have dreams for their future, secret wishes (or not so secret), visions.

They’d truly love to find a mate, to end the Not Enough story, to feel close with their teens, to be entirely healthy, to run a thriving business, to publish a book, to stop obsessing, to visit that other country, to loose all their extra weight, to love themselves, to make a decent living, to become enlightened.

They might feel like months, years go by but little or not enough “progress”.

Not there yet. Lots of effort. Not making it fast enough. Gotta figure this out.

But who would you be without the belief that you could never achieve that thing, or have what you desire or picture?

Without the belief that you can’t, or it’s too hard, or you don’t have enough time, or money, or you’re just too tired, or too old, or missing something?

Without those thoughts I notice how I keep living, dreaming, creating, trying different paths, without the belief that movement towards something is futile.

Today.

I keep discovering ideas. I keep writing. I keep working, I keep loving all the people I connect with, I keep going.

I keep refining, joyfully, myself…..as service.

Sometimes people think they shouldn’t want stuff, like cars, or fame, or being the creator of something helpful, or awakening.

“I just won’t want that, ever again…I’ll give up having desire!”

Who would you be without that story?

I’d be noticing that I am not the one running things around here. I move, life moves, everything unfolding in perfect order. A deep knowing in my heart that if I died tomorrow, I’m doing just what I most love to do today.

Only today.

If you have dreams of achieving, getting there, finding that, arriving, accomplishing….

….who would you be without any belief at all about having to get there, about needing to be THERE (in the future) in order to be truly happy?

“I say, skip the middleman, and be happy and free from where you are right now….The whole world is simply MY story, projected back to me on the screen of my own perception. All of it.” ~ Byron Katie

When I question my thinking, investigate what is really true, break apart and look with a flashlight inside these stressful thoughts….

….it is sincerely not necessary to have or gain that thing in the future.

And then, oh weird, that thing I wanted comes forth, or something even better.

“Spirituality begins when you decide that you’ll never stop trying. Spirituality is the commitment to go beyond yourself every minute of every day for the rest of your life….Eventually you will realize that it cannot actually hurt you to go beyond your psychological limits. If you are willing to just stand at the edge and keep walking, you will go beyond….Go beyond where you were a minute ago by handling what’s happening now.”~ Michael Singer

Feel your great desires today. Love them with all your heart, in this moment right now. Question your stressful thinking about what feels scary, or difficult.

I know you can do it, because I’m doing it.

And I am no different from you.

And although it is totally unnecessary, if you’re drawn because you love this investigation, there are two spots left in Year of Inquiry. We start next week.

A collective group of people who are conscious of living in the soup of conditioned beliefs passed along from generation to generation…..and who want to question them and find out the truth.

Question your thinking, change your world.

Much love, Grace

Posted on

Having A Plan Can Hurt

Big Update on Year of Inquiry: I’m keepin’ the program cost low like last year rather than upgrade to a fancy venue with meals for retreats.

What that means is….a far lower fee, we potluck, some stay as guests in other peoples’ homes, you pick your own place to stay, it’s very homey. And we get to work very deeply.

Here’s just the facts:

YOI with Retreats, Telesessions, 4 Solo Sessions:

  • Regular payment – $2997 (paid in full)
  • Early Bird (by August 16th) – $2797 (paid in full)
  • Early Bird for YOI repeaters –  $2497
  • Payment Plan option – $1130 downpayment + $197 per month ($3297 total)

YOI with Tele Sessions and 4 Solo Sessions:

  • Regular payment  – $1997 (paid in full)
  • Early Bird (by August 16th) – $1797 (paid in full)
  • Payment Plan option – $197 per month ($2364 total)

undefined Click this button to sign up for the Full YOI Program with retreats in Seattle at the early bird rate.

undefined Click this button to sign up for the Tele Sessions Only YOI Program at the early bird rate.

Thanks for your emails and questions about all of this. Write any time if you’ve got more! If you are new to YOI, be sure to tell me about yourself by clicking HERE (the application).

******

Which is a perfect segueway into a sometimes-stressful thought.

I need to know, plan and be clear about what’s going to happen in the future. Otherwise…..something bad will happen.

This can be around retreat-creation, workshops or ANY offerings, parties, festivities, big gatherings, concerts, retirement funds, vacations, holidays, educational programs, growth of your business, career plans, moving, selling things, an extended family dinner.

Man oh man this is big on stress. I’ve heard from many mothers who experience this when envisioning family gatherings or holidays.

I have to get organized, plan, make lists, implement, manage and set up whatever it is, or else….

OR….you may go the opposite way (I’m guilty of this, too). You may avoid lists, plans, structure. You may prefer to be spontaneous, last-minute, and resist being tied down. You may be forgetful of details or not naturally organized.

The thing is, both directions can bring a lot of stress. And some great reasons to dig in and discover more deeply what’s really bothering you.

In any situation where you’re thinking of the future and you feel some anxiety or determination or resistance that isn’t peaceful, what is the “bad” thing that you’re imagining could happen, if things don’t go right?

  • people will be disappointed
  • they need to love it, or they won’t come again
  • if I change my mind, they’ll be offended
  • if I don’t do it, no one will do it
  • there will be no gathering unless I make it happen (and it would be really sad if it doesn’t happen)
  • I’ll miss out
  • if it’s bad, it will be my fault
Bottom line, I want everyone including me to love it. All Good All The Time. No Mistakes. Safe, Responsible, Kind, Fair, Honest.

But who would you be without the belief that you HAVE to plan, organize, prevent disappointments, work hard, “make” it happen, put in effort that you don’t really want to put in?

Without the belief that something bad could happen, if you don’t?

It’s a huge, big question.

What….you mean….I wouldn’t need to put myself out, over-work to make an event perfect, run the show, get myself exhausted over making something just right?

Yes.

What would that be like, to not be concerned for the future?

What if you let yourself relax? Rest? Let it go? Enjoy yourself thoroughly, without trying to prevent upset from happening later?

What if you did not need approval, or safety, in the future? If you didn’t need to know what was happening at all? What if you didn’t care, in a good way, what other people decided?

“I am here to un-create. The only thing that exists is the belief that just arose. Prior to that belief, there was no existence. There is nothing to create, no one creating, no creation. Go back to the space between thoughts…A belief arises. Even ‘isn’t it a beautiful day?’ and you come out of the vastness. You’re out of the world, you left the world. You entered the world of illusion. Your natural state is prior to belief….Haven’t you noticed a plan hurts?” ~ Byron Katie

Wow.

Without ME planning, organizing, creating, without effort, or goals, or having to DO….I’m being. Things occur to me to do, I do it. Things even appear at the perfect time, to be done. I follow the inner gut feel that knows what to do.

“I am movement. I watch it do itself. I create nothing. It’s not my business. Un-do yourself. Drop your plan.” ~ Byron Katie

Nothing wrong with planning with integrity and peace, with packing your bag to go on a trip, with getting the car brakes tuned up, with cleaning the toilet, with setting your business fees, with joining a dating service, with enrolling in a special program, with inviting every family member (they say yes or no, both are good).

But soooooo much more fun.

“So there are two ways you can live: you can devote your life to staying in your comfort zone, or you can work on your freedom. In other words, you can devote your whole life to the process of making sure everything fits within your limited model, or you can devote your life to freeing yourself from the limits of your model.” ~ Michael Singer

Much love, Grace

P.S. Can’t wait to meet you if you’re coming to YOI. I also have a program in Eating Peace beginning later in September (new model, beta version) and will be teaching Relationship Hell To Heaven again in the fall (8 weeks).

 

Posted on

Resistance Doesn’t Change That It Happened

When someone I love suffers, whether a client, someone in my family, a dear friend…I sometimes feel great grief.

I am with a loving human being, who is doing their best….and they have just found out their son has cancer, their husband has been racking up secret addiction debt, their aunt has sold the family heirloom behind everyone’s back, their best friend has been making up stories about them due to jealous madness.

The loss is gut-wrenching.

The person sobs, or feels frantic, stunned, ruined.

One of the most powerful things about The Work is the way you can stop and look at the nature of reality, the way you are seeing it in every moment.

The Work is not some kind of mind-game, although it may feel heavy with thought, with energy in the brain, in the head, with ideas and images and voices talking to us….while the body is reacting in fear, terror, sadness, desperation.

The Work is four questions. Good questions.

Not magical, twisty, special, secret questions….simply four powerful questions worthy of asking yourself if your mind is spinning, and you notice your thoughts and your body are reacting….even in the most dire situations.

So if you have a terrible situation occurring in your life, or something that occurred in the past that is truly frightening…

….stop for a moment. Breathe deeply.

It is 100% horrible. You are not safe. You can’t bear it. You won’t make it through this emotionally. There is nothing good that could come of this.

Is it true?

I once sat with a woman who was in a car crash. She was the driver.

Her family had gone to Disneyland for a long-awaited vacation. She and her husband had planned for months. Her two daughters each were allowed to bring a good friend. They traded off driving from the midwest all the way to Los Angeles and had a spectacular time.

On the way back, a malfunction in their SUV. In the middle of wide open plains, no other traffic in site, the entire vehicle flipped off the highway.

Her husband was killed, one daughter, and the other daughter’s best friend. Everyone on one side of the van, instantly killed.

What I learned from that courageous woman, as she answered the four questions, was that even this was handle-able.

“If something happens that we don’t like, we resist it. But since what we’re resisting has already taken place, what good is it to resist? If your best friend moves away, it’s understandable that you don’t like it. But your inner resistance to that event for years to come does not change the fact that they did, indeed, move away. It does not do anything to the reality of the situation….It is not life’s events that are causing problems or stress. It is your resistance to life’s events that is causing this experience….Stop resisting.” ~ Michael Singer

One way I know to stop resisting, besides lying on the floor, is to investigate the beliefs that appear, screaming in your head, when something apparently awful happens.

Can you absolutely know it is true that this is 100% horrible? You are not safe? You can’t bear it? You won’t make it through this emotionally? There is nothing good that could come of this?

No.

Nothing has been 100% horrible, I have always been safe, I have been able to bear everything, I’ve found happiness again even after much destruction, and there is great goodness that has come out of it.

Who would you be without these thoughts? What would it feel like? Without labeling the sensations you feel? Without being so sure you know this is wrong? Without listening to all the chatter in your head, all the words?

Without the idea that you are not safe?

“The apparent craziness of the world, like everything else, is a gift that we can use to set our minds free. Any stressful thought that you have about the planet, for example, shows you where you are stuck, where your energy is being exhausted in not fully meeting life as it is, without conditions.” ~ Byron Katie

You can turn the thoughts in your mind around and find examples of how these opposite thoughts are true.

It’s a practice that cracks open the universe…allowing you to see how worthy, loved, innocent, and powerful you are.

And how you’ve made it, so far, through everything.

Much love, Grace

 

Posted on

That Person Who Hurt You–Choose Suffering or Peace

Today my retreat comes to an end, although I won’t be home for another 2 or 3 days.

I still get to connect with several friends, spend the night again in Ashland, Oregon on the way north, and be in a quiet car enjoying my thoughts as I drive back to Sea-Town.

And there will be many thoughts…that’s for sure.

That’s been what it’s like so far through life.

But there’s also something else, and this is phenomenally important if you want peace.

Noticing that thinking is not you.

On our last night of retreat, our little group elected to watch Oprah interview the fantastic and inspiring Michael Singer.

If you’ve been around Grace Notes for awhile, I put in quotes by Michael regularly.

Watching him on video, I was inspired all over again. There are many reasons, but one of them is that he has a juicy, tough, difficult, painful betrayal story.

He was falsely accused of a crime.

And yet…it was not painful at all.

He used it as an opportunity to grow, to lose the pieces of him that did not really matter, the ego-centered fearful pieces, the ones afraid of the future.

Many of us have experienced what we call betrayal.

Sometimes, like in Shakespearean drama, people set up and scheme whole manipulated stories in order to hurt others, win, get even, get revenge.

People tell secrets, start rumors that aren’t true, hurt other people, lie, steal, cheat, or sometimes even kill other people.

I had a dear friend once accuse me of faking that I don’t have a master’s degree, and telling other people behind my back instead of coming to me directly.

It was one of the weirdest experiences I have ever known. I sent her a copy of my degree.

But why would she do that?

Doesn’t the mind sooooo want to figure that out. Why? What’d I do? What’s wrong with her? How could she have ever assumed such a weird thing? Did I miss something? Was she mentally ill? Did she distort some part of my graduation history?

I need to understand that painful situation, I need to know why.

Is that true?

Wow. No.

Why do I need to get involved? Do I want peace, or drama in my life?

Peace.

How do I react when I believe I need to understand, resolve, settle that situation? When I believe I need to get why it happened?

Analyzing, rehashing, puzzled, confused, uncomfortable, sad, disappointed, shocked.

But who would I be without the belief that I need to understand that difficult experience, or the why, where, how, who, what-for of any of it?

“The prerequisite to true freedom is to decide that you do not want to suffer anymore. You must decide that you want to enjoy your life and that there is no reason for stress, inner pain, or fear.” ~ Michael Singer

Without the thought that I need to THINK and resolve this betrayal problem, or defend, or prove something….I rest in awareness where there are no big reactions.

I can observe from the silence that sees everything, the wide open space.

I turn the thought around: I do not need to understand that situation, I do not need to know why.

This is truer. I do not need to defend myself, or be passive either. I can take all the appropriate measures to be clear and kind and powerful.

From this crystal clear place, without suffering, I notice great compassion for those who commit crimes, who make big mistakes, who perpetrate damage or difficulty for others.

They are doing the best they can.

But most of all, this tough experience is an invitation to take the high road, the road to the higher self full of loving awareness, the place where I need not get hooked, controlled, or hurt by someone else in this world.

If I can be with this, in this kind of situation, I will be free. I will be free from that mind that has to get a handle on everything and figure bad, twisted stuff out. I will be free from the mind that is full of fear.

“It is impossible to be hurt except by your own thoughts.” ~ Course in Miracles 

If you feel hurt by someone….see if you can find inside of you the part that knows you are innocent, and all is well, and there is nothing to fear.
See if you can leave it alone, stop worrying about why it happened, and let everything be the way it is, no complaining.
You’ll be much happier that way. Guaranteed.
Love, Grace
Posted on

The Dreadful Mistake You May Be Making About Your Enemy

Quite some time ago, I had a very dear friend who surprised me by something she did.

In a bad way.

Like a scene from a great Shakespeare tragedy, she misunderstood something about me and assumed the worst and decided the best way to handle it was to never speak to me again, without explanation or confrontation, and then get vicious.

She shouldn’t think I’m a dishonest person.

Is that true?

Yes! Yes! I am totally honest! She is WRONG about me! She got some kind of twisted, unclear information and…

Wait.

Answer the question.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that someone shouldn’t think poorly of you? Really?

No. People are allowed to think what they think. I have no idea why this unusual and strange situation appeared. It did.

How do you react when you believe that someone has the wrong idea about you? Or a completely distorted, maybe disturbed view of you?

I want to fix it! This is where the phrase comes from “I must clear my good name!”

I mean….people die in the movies clearing OTHER peoples’ good names, so I definitely need to prove mine. Right?

Inside, with this thought, is a feeling of deep sadness. Puzzled. Thinking “what did I do to make such a weird idea come out of her? Maybe I should have done it differently!”

Defensive, confused.

The urge to be thought well of, especially when someone appears to be saying things that aren’t even true, is strong. I feel separate from that other person, who seems to have gone a little nuts, or isn’t seeing things “right”.

Sigh.

Now the grand question….who would you be without the belief that someone shouldn’t think you are dishonest (or whatever you think they are thinking)?

As you hold that dear person’s face in your mind and heart, even if they’ve said terrible and mean things about you…who would you be right now if you couldn’t even have the thought that it’s a problem?

It’s not denial I’m talking about. It’s relaxing, in the presence of something that appears to be an attack.

Stepping to the side.

Laying down your defensive arms.

“So when you find yourself in a dark place where you’ve been countless, countless times, you can think maybe it’s time to get a little golden spade and dig myself out of this place.” ~ Pema Chodron

As Pema Chodron’s teacher, Chogyam Trungpa, Rinpoche, said to her when she said she felt angry, depressed, and unhappy one day:

“You find yourself lying on the bottom of the ocean with your face in the sand, and even though all the sand is going up your nose and into your mouth and your eyes and ears, you stand up and you begin walking again. Then the next wave comes and knocks you down. The waves just keep coming, but each time you get knocked down, you stand up and keep walking. After a while, you’ll find that the waves appear to be getting smaller.”

Without the belief that someone should think better of me than they do, I notice the waves feel smaller.

In fact, I notice that in this room, in this moment as I remember my friend, there aren’t any waves.

I can think of her with great appreciation for how much fun we used to have, our long and thorough conversations, the sweet connection we had for about four years.

Turning the thought around: “she should think I’m dishonest.”

How is that good for me, for the world, that she thinks what she thinks?

Well, partly because of her assumptions, I retraced my steps and found I had done everything perfectly, by the book (and I didn’t even know it!) when it came to my career.

I have more free time, not getting together with her. I don’t like to spend money on restaurant food very much, or be around people who drink a lot of alcohol, so that’s eliminated.

And dishonest? I’ve withheld how I truly feel a thousand times to others, I’ve pretended I was sick to get out of doing something, I’ve made myself out to be less fearful than I really am.

I shouldn’t think she’s a dishonest person.

Oh. Wow.

She’s doing the best she can. Everyone is. I don’t know what’s going on over there, with her.

My perception of her is actually inside ME. It’s ME that’s got a trigger of sadness and upset at being thought poorly of….I haven’t talked with her in ages.

“You will be surprised to find that in most situations there’s nothing to deal with except for your own fears and desires. Fear and desire make everything seem so complicated. If you don’t have fear or desire about an event, there’s really nothing to deal with. You simply allow life to unfold and interact with it in a natural and rational manner.” ~ Michael Singer

I notice that when I’m believing I know what someone else should be thinking or feeling, it’s very, very stressful.

My only project is me, and my own thoughts and feelings. And even that is not really a project.

Now that’s easier….to make an understatement.

“There is no greater misfortune than underestimating your enemy. Underestimating your enemy means thinking he is evil. Thus you destroy your three treasures (simplicity, patience and compassion) and become an enemy yourself. 

When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield.” ~ Tao Te Ching #69

That person who finds you less than wonderful?

Thank them for showing you what is needed to truly love unconditionally.

You don’t have to say it out loud, or even contact them. It’s for you.

You’ll be OK, it’s safe. You’ll be more than OK. Really.

Much love, Grace

Posted on

Hurting And Not Hurting Flow Together

Yesterday I had to lie flat on my bed all afternoon, taking ibuprofen (anti-inflammatory pain pills).

Remember the right hamstring story from six months ago?

Well, even if you don’t….this lower right back hamstring nerve area was hurting, the place I tore last year followed by surgery. I tweaked it dancing recently. Again.

Rats. There is nothing good about this! Fist shaking at the sky!

This is definitely a problem!!

Doing The Work on physical ailments can be really amazing. Let’s go for it!

Is it true that this is bad, I hate the pain, nothing good can come of it? Is it true that it hurts?

Yes. I can still feel it now, what are you talking about…is it true.Jeez.

But can you absolutely know that this is a bad situation, a situation to hate, a problem, a difficulty…that this really does hurt?

No.

I worked with clients, answered emails, even had an awesome session with a beautiful inquirer who always devotes two hours to her work, and my back and hamstring never crossed my mind during any of these activities or interactions.

How do I react when I don’t like the physical sensation I feel?

I clutch against it. I think about the future and how it will get worse. I think things like “I have to stop dancing, I can’t bike, I can’t run, I’m aging, this is getting worse, there is no way for this to go but downhill, I’ll be dealing with this forever until I’m dead.”

I get pictures of my mom and her own back issues and want to interview her about exactly every minutia of experience she’s had, what she did, how I can short cut the process to No Pain.

I react also by ignoring the pain. Pain, what pain? Who cares?

So who would you be without the thought that this is wrong, difficult, bad, that I’m against this sensation? Without the thought that I hurt?

“You put someone that understands the mind in a cell and lock the door and tell them that they’re never going to be released and that’s it for life……and if they love everything they think, then they really are experiencing gratitude. If they don’t love what they think, it’s a torture chamber.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the thought, I notice a very strong sensation, tingling, I want to either lie still or shift around. I notice I forget about it as the mind becomes interested in other things, the room gets fuller, then the attention towards this area becomes more acute again.

I feel pressure, like a rock with sharp edges, stuck in my lower right back. I think of calling the doctor, or calling the physical therapist….maybe I do.

Without the thought that this is a grave, serious, terrible, difficult or annoying situation (this could apply to any situation, right?) then I am simply here, living this experience.

“It’s amazing to see what we end up doing with our Will. We actually assert our will in opposition to the flow of life. If something happens that we don’t like, we resist it. But since what we’re resisting has already taken place, what good is it to resist?…It does not do anything to the reality of that situation.” ~ Michael Singer

Turning the thought around: this is a wonderful situation, it doesn’t hurt. 

This is not denial, it’s actually playing with the awareness of all things, all sides….entering non-duality.

Yesterday, I lay in bed and did The Work with others for 7 hours. I had breaks, I wrote, I got up and ate a delicious orange and leftover pizza. I talked with my funny and beautiful daughter.

How spectacular to notice that even though it hurts, it also doesn’t hurt.

Much love, Grace