Tag: meditation

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Make A Decision!

Beliefs about the best ways to make decisions, how to make them, and when to make them can be really heavy without us even realizing it.

What exactly is a “decision”? It’s a great word. In the latin root it meant to CUT OFF or kill. Kind of dramatic. It’s like there are different pathways or roads, and to decide is to cut off all of them except one. Deciding means eliminating possibilities.

When someone is decisive, they are considered to have solved the problem, persuaded themselves or others, convinced, settled the situation. They are clear, they move on quickly, they have killed multiple choices.

People are seen as successful when they make clear, quick, “good” decisions. People are more wishy-washy or flaky, changeable, unpredictable if they change their minds or don’t know what they will decide.

It can be really fantastic and liberating to question beliefs and theories about making decisions. Are you sure that it’s best if you decide NOW? Are you sure that it’s true that choosing-not-to-decide-IS-a-decision? (I always loved that one, so stressful in some situations if you believe it).

Is it really true that it is best if you make a good, solid, quick, zippy decision? Or bad if you reconsider, take in more data or information, let things digest, or wait?

The mind that is very identified with YOU and YOUR SUCCESS loves to chatter away at you about your problems and other peoples’ problems. It will use scary tactics and threatening ideas to force you to decide or make you nervous about a decision you just made.

I love questioning any thought, ever, that arises about making decisions that is nerve-wracking, anxiety producing, anything that creates uncertainty.

  • I need to get moving
  • I absolutely must make a decision
  • Other people will think less of me if I don’t decide
  • Not deciding means I’m procrastinating/weak/anxious
  • I made the WRONG decision
  • I’m the one who decides, it’s up to me

Your smaller ME mind, some call it the ego, will be focused on one thing only. Making the RIGHT decision. No regrets. Making sure it works out for you and those around you.

“You have a decision to make, and your mind wants to know what the right decision is. But you realize that that isn’t a relevant concern anymore because your framework for decision making has been conditioned. A “right decision” according to whom? One person’s “right” is another person’s “wrong.” If you’re not going to make decisions based on right and wrong or should and shouldn’t– which only exist in thought–then how do you move?”~Adyashanti

What is beyond the me/ego/personal mind is infinite possibility, especially if there really is no right and no wrong. It’s vast, and silent. Notice how the Universe doesn’t really ever answer the question about what is absolutely right or wrong. It allows everything, there is nothing to resist. There is NO WRONG DECISION. And no right decision. Wow!

Do not despair if you don’t know what decision to make. The mind will put so much energy into good and bad, right and wrong, justifying what you are about to decide or what you just decided. It will spew out criticisms, lists, analyses about things you “decided” from 20 years ago even.

Instead, relax. I have found it’s all I can really do once I question my thinking that seems to enjoy churning out the list of pros and cons about everything. That becomes….boring, unimportant.

Instead, know that you don’t have to know how anything will turn out. Let yourself stop trying to find the right answer. Trust in the subtle silent force of life….of love, that is just here. If you’re not sure it’s here, question your thinking.

Even if this is not the acceptable norm of society, allow a decision to come by feeling out what is true beyond fear and worry, beyond what is YOU. Literally.

“A healed mind is relieved of the belief that it must plan….”~ A Course In Miracles

Love, Grace

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That Annoying Person Should Change

There are many spiritual and philosophical traditions that encourage humans to “take responsibility” for themselves.

What does this actually mean? I am “taking” the blame, duty, liability, charge, burden, accountability for my life for myself.

The word “taking” shows that I could leave responsibility out there on another person, events, the weather, my parents, the way I grew up…..in fact it’s almost like that’s where responsibility naturally is perceived to be—out there. That’s why I have to take it.

The odd thing is, in doing The Work or any form of self-inquiry, in reading many spiritual traditions and teachings, the more we take responsibility for our lives, the more there seems to be a murky line about where I end and the rest of the world begins.

In fact, I begin to see how wherever I go, whatever I see, whomever I’m interacting with…..there I am, present right in that situation. It’s like I’m a part of the universe all the time, everywhere.

(This reminds me of Dr. Hew Len, teacher of ho’oponopono from an ancient Hawaiian spiritual practice. He told me once during a workshop how he noticed that everywhere he ever went in the world, when there was a problem, there was one common denominator—HE was there).

Debbie Ford wrote a wonderful book called Spiritual Divorce in which she writes about taking full and complete responsibility for her attraction, her marriage, and her divorce with her former husband.

It was a spiritual wake-up call, she says for taking responsibility for herself instead of blaming her partner.

So here I am willing and able to take responsibility for myself and my responses to the universe and the people in it, and I see some people in the world who are annoying, who have personality traits I don’t like or find repulsive.

I write down all the things I find most annoying about them. How I think that person should change. This is my list, on paper, of what is here that is unpleasant that I get to investigate. I expose my judgments. They are there anyway, so might as well admit it and take a look.

  • she is so sugary sweet and laughs way too often
  • she can’t stop talking
  • she is so superficial and talks about really boring things in life
  • she’s very negative, she complains too much
  • she is scared, needy, and clingy
  • I wish she would stop singing, whistling, babbling on

Taking responsibility doesn’t mean I now rip myself to shreds for being judgmental.

I see that annoying person, and I ask myself what is it in ME that is seeing this behavior, those words, that way of being as annoying? Can I watch it and look at it and see what else I’m believing?

I listened recently to Byron Katie doing the Work with a woman who was very annoyed with one of her friends. Katie asks the woman, who would you be without the thought that your friend is boring, negative, fearful, annoying or full of complaints?

Who would I be if I looked, without all the judging? If I didn’t think “I need to get away from her! I need to avoid spending time with her! She’s not that great a friend!”

I would see that this woman is being herself, and when I’m listening to her I’m afraid she will never stop talking. I am scared of her neediness, I’m scared of my own falseness when I see her, and my resistance to her. I think I should be helping out, I should be nicer. I’m afraid to speak up, thinking she will be hurt, and then I will be hurt. I’m stuck. I’m sad that this woman feels so worried, frantic, and makes so much noise. I’m sad she’s not able to relax. I’m sad thatI am not able to relax around her!

I see how this annoying person should not change until I step up and take responsibility for how I feel in her presence. She is showing me what I am scared of in the world, what I think I can’t handle. She is showing me where I forget my sense of humor, compassion, and kindness, which are so much more natural for me than being annoyed.

“You are your only hope, because we’re not changing until you do. Our job is to keep coming at you, as hard as we can, with everything that angers, upsets, or repulses you, until you understand. We love you that much, whether we’re aware of it or not. The whole world is about you.”~Byron Katie 

Love, Grace

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Choose Your Poison

The mind is funny. The other day I had the image appear (among thousands that pop in and out all day long) of one cowboy saying to another cowboy in an old wild west bar, with a gravelly voice, “greetings friend….choose your poison“. They are calling all the available liquor choices “poison”. The choice will be made which one to drink, and then they’ll sit together and talk.

The dictionary defines poison as a substance that is harmful, impairs health. Something with an inherent property of destruction to life.

There’s something defiant and totally transparent about naming the alcohol “poison”. Humorous. Not afraid, aware of what’s going on. Simple.

What is tricky is when there are other substances or much more subtle agreements about the poison we’re all going to choose to drink together and we think we’re defiant and full of laughter about it….but it’s not all that amusing.

Some of these all-group lets-join-together and drink the poison are broad beliefs like these:

  • having a young, thin, physically fit body is best
  • making lots of money is extremely important
  • finding a mate or partner or love will make me happy
  • working on oneself for improvement is vital to a better life
  • spiritual enlightenment is the best goal anyone could have

Any one of these can feel very positive, exciting, and adventurous. But when we believe they are 100% absolutely true and that I have to be the one choosing it, then holding any of these beliefs can be harmful….can destroy openness, mystery.

Believing these with all our might can actually impair our ability to have an incredible, magical relationship with the universe.

Spiritual beliefs and beliefs about how to live a good life can feel safe and comfortable, but it’s amazing that even these, if written down on paper, can be easily questioned.

I remember when I first realized that I couldn’t be sure of anything being true when it came to God, Spirit, Source, the Universe, or spiritual beliefs or principles of any kind.

Pretty frightening. You mean, nothing is certain? I can’t be sure of any clear answers? I don’t really LIKE the empty feeling, I don’t really like how unknown it all is.

“Even the most benevolent, exalted beliefs just separate us from the mysetry of life as it is. The more you set aside your beliefs and encounter life directly, without argument or struggle, the more you discover a natural responsiveness that’s inherently gentle, loving, and ethical and doesn’t require a spiritual worldview to maintain.”~Stephan Bodian

There is an “I” here that seems like me that wants to say that if I give up all seeking and confess that there is no definitive answer about anything, that I’ll be selfish and self-centered, or despairing and unhappy.

Look again at what you imagine is the worst that could happen if you Don’t Know for sure about anything.

What if you don’t choose any poison? Or what if you choose but you don’t really drink it, you just let it set on the table right in front of you and then go on about your conversations. Or…even if you drink it, you notice that the effect wears off and you’re back to I-don’t-know. (You can bounce around there, drinking and having it wear off over and over if you choose).

It seems like this is the experience of everyone. Nothing Absolute.  Many flavors.

“The Tao is infinite, eternal. Why is it eternal? It was never born; thus it can never die. Why is it infinite? It has no desires for itself; thus it is present for all beings. The Master stays behind; that is why she is ahead. She is detached from all things; that is why she is one with them. Because she has let go of herself, she is perfectly fulfilled.” ~ Tao te Ching #7

See if you can stay with the Unknown and be with it. Find out if it’s safe. See for yourself if the mysterious universe is loving and friendly. No rules.

And by the way, I like that others have had life-shifting experiences and that they have described them as Friendly. We can remember this when the going gets tough and we need a little comfort. It helps us continue to question it all.

Byron Katie says  she found out that when she believed her thoughts, she suffered, and when she didn’t believe her thoughts, she felt peace. That’s why I love questioning everything, and not choosing ANY poison.

Love, Grace

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I Need To Help Someone

Emergency!! My friend is very depressed, suicidal even, using a lot of alcohol. I need to help her! Another friend is suffering from a terminal illness. I need to help him! My child is very upset. I need to help her!

Many of us look at other humans who are expressing sadness, confusion or anger with the speedy response that we need to help that person, ASAP. We need to fix things for them, support them, DO SOMETHING.

Agony if we can’t help. Anxiety. Even frustration. Perhaps the thought that WE are doing something wrong if the person doesn’t change or become happier.

Parents have this “problem” quite often. I am the custodian of this small person in the world. This child is suffering (I can see by their tears or their anger) and I MUST act quickly to help them STOP crying or being angry.

There are so many beliefs happening in that moment that are conflicted, opposing and stressful.

This morning I facilitated a woman who was doing the Work on her ten year old, who was having a melt-down. She was very distraught about that moment, so we looked at everything that was going on right in that very situation when her son was so upset.

Here were the thoughts zooming through her mind:

  • I don’t know what to do
  • I need to do something good
  • I must not be a good parent since I can’t think of anything
  • This crying really upsets ME
  • We will be late (other people will get upset)
  • My child will have a difficult future unless I offer some kind of good solution
  • I need to meet his needs
  • I’m not good enough
  • I can’t handle this
  • People will think I’m a bad mother

I could hear the pain and suffering coming out of this situation, this incredibly difficult moment. This mother adored her son, and she believed she was supposed to know what to do to help him.

Many of us are terribly uncomfortable with other people suffering. We naturally want to help. If someone in this world gets too upset or depressed, they could kill themselves, kill someone else, start a war, have a miserable life.

When someone is really, really close to us, like parent-child relationships, then many parents actually feel responsible for the suffering they see in their children. As a parent, I’m believing I need to provide my child with skills, hope, happiness, love…all they need to have a good feeling on the inside and therefore a good life. If I were a really excellent parent, my child wouldn’t suffer!

This is a huge, tall, immense and impossible order. Not only should I know what to do if my kid is in pain, but I should have pre-emptively known what to do or say before now, so that they wouldn’t be in this situation where they are presently suffering.

Some parents, in order to counteract that sense of not knowing what to do (when they believe they SHOULD know) get more know-it-all and give lectures or say “here’s what you need to do…” and make a speech. Too frightening to admit that here in this moment of pain being expressed, they can’t really fix it.

Seeing what you actually are thinking in these moments of great stress, in the presence of someone else (like your child) feeling unhappy, and then questioning if what you think is really, really true is a wonderful first step to unhooking the agony created with wanting to rescue someone from pain.

Is it true that I need to do something? Is it true that I need to KNOW what to do or say? Is it true that if I don’t help, fix, calm down, soothe or enlighten this person that they will be lost now, and in the future?

If I couldn’t think the thought I have to help my kid, with a panicked, nervous, or intense feeling on the inside, what do I notice? How would I be with my child?

What if I could relax….even just a little….and let this child have his or her experience? Leave it the way it is. Don’t rush to offer a solution, or get upset with myself for not having one.

What if I didn’t yell at myself internally that I’m not a good enough parent, and that this child NEEDS me. What if no one in the world really needs me? Even my clients who come to me for counseling?

“Not-knowing is true knowledge. Presuming to know is a disease. First realize that you are sick; then you can move toward health. The Master is her own physician. She has healed herself of all knowing. Thus she is truly whole.”~Tao te Ching #71

If we really feel and discover this place where we are our own physician, we need nothing in this moment right in the presence of someone else who is hurting. We simply are present, knowing nothing, watching, being, trusting.

Who would I be without the thought that my child needs help, my client needs help, the world needs my help…that I should do something?

Waiting. Silent. Ready for whatever happens. Joyful at a deep level….Helpful.

Love, Grace

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Dictator-Chaos Bouncy House

In my work with many, many people with concerns about their diet and their relationship with food over the past 15 years, from ages 14 to 80, a wonderful awareness comes forward when people realize that controlling themselves vs having zero control is a core human painful experience.

Those of us with painful experiences of eating or not-eating are not alone in feeling out of control and then in control.

I call it the Dictator–Chaos Bouncy House. If you’ve ever been in an obvious addictive pattern of using something, like food, alcohol, drugs, tobacco, gambling….then you’re really familiar with it.

It goes like this: “I am NOT going to let this situation scare me, this person bug me, this experience make me fail”. The body is tight, fists clenched, thinking is directed. Our mind says things like I-will-never, I-will-always, how-dare-you, never-look-back…” This is the Dictator stance.

Then, we want to get away from the Dictator (understandably….have you ever been in a concentration camp?). We want to feel free, alive, I-can-do-whatever-I-want, live-today-for- tomorrow- I-could-die, who cares what happens! The diet can go to hell! All hell breaks loose! Chaos! Wildness! Freedom! Insobriety!

The core beliefs are shouting and very painful “I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!!!!”

This life, this situation, this existence. Even if you have no substantive addictive cycle in your life, the mind loves to think that there is a Problem here. It loves to solve problems. It loves to divide and conquer and analyze and come up with a Plan.

In our Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass today, one wonderful participant spoke of the vast, empty feeling she had when entering her home after a day of being out. Another two thought about entering the house at the end of the day thinking about all that needed to be done….too much.

I remember in the past, if I had an entire evening to myself and I felt even a tiny bit self-critical about something undone in my life, I might choose to enter Chaos instead of staying with the dark emptiness.

Drink, eat, smoke, shop, video, phone, chat, read, computer, gossip, dream…fill it up. Forget about that Nothingness thing or The List of to-do’s.

If I don’t get away from that feeling of emptiness, or fear, overwhelm or anger….that would be terrible. Devastating, too terrifying. So painful, stressful. Nooooooooo!

But then what happens if I don’t HAVE to do something about this empty moment full of loneliness or fear? Am I SURE that there is no one else, nothing else in existence out there (in here?) Am I sure there is no happiness, no sensation of peace possible? Am I sure it is all darkness, hopeless, impossible? Is it true that this is BAD?

“The Master doesn’t try to be powerful, thus he is truly powerful. The ordinary man keeps reaching for power, thus he never has enough. The Master does nothing, yet he leaves nothing undone. The ordinary man is always doing things, yet many more are left to be done. The kind man does something, yet something remains undone. The just man does something, and leaves many things to be done. The moral man does something, and when no one responds he rolls up his sleeves and uses force. 

When the Tao is lost, there is goodness. When goodness is lost, there is morality. When morality is lost, there is ritual. Ritual is the husk of true faith, the beginning of chaos. Therefore the Master concerns himself with the depths and not the surface, with the fruit and not the flower. He has no will of his own. He dwells in reality, and lets all illusions go.~Tao te Ching #38

Here I am in this moment with my empty house and free time, and the Thought Factory offering suggestions for what I could do with this moment.

Can I have a real look at reality, right here even in THIS moment, and not attempt to assert my own will? Is love present here?…..joy?….silence?….no illusions?  I need to do something, I need to feel something different from what is here right now, I am not safe….is it true?

Love, Grace

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Wanting Money

For some of us, it’s hard to admit how much we desire money. In general, if anyone asked “hey, would you like some money?” we would say yes (or immediately start thinking “what’s the catch?”).

It seems like Money would always be welcome in bigger quantities. Unlike water. Most of us, if we are not thirsty, would not always drink more water if it was around or if it was offered.

I heard Byron Katie once doing a role play with someone about money getting exchanged between the person Katie was talking with, and someone they knew. Katie suggested that if someone said to her “here is 10 thousand dollars” and looked like they were giving it to her, she would say “what do you want by giving this?”

Excellent question. So simple if we just ask…..and the answer to this question is the crux of why we would NOT, in fact, just take more money without getting more details and seeing if it is really OK with us to make that exchange.

I myself used to be so opposed to “owing” people money or owing SOMETHING if I received their money, that I preferred to go without it. It wasn’t worth the worry about whether I had given enough, offered enough or satisfied the money-giver.

Yesterday in our Money, Work and Business class, we questioned the belief “what I do is not worth the fee”. Everyone could fill in the blank on what fee they were thinking about, and what they believed they were doing in order to get that fee, whether it was a job or their own business….it doesn’t matter.

I remember talking with a real estate agent once who made what some of us would think of as a big amount of money. He felt like what he actually did was NOT worth the money he made. But after years of making a living this way, he wasn’t even going to begin considering changing occupations. Too scary to consider having less money.

I also have talked with people (usually women) who feel dependent and so far have exchanged their services of running a home, doing laundry, cooking, taking care of kids in exchange for being supported by a money-getter. They want something more, but they aren’t sure what else to do, so they keep doing the same “job”.

There are so many thoughts that rise up, that are quite stressful, when we want money and we believe we need to do something other than really be ourselves in order to get it:

  • I need to make an impression
  • I can win people over
  • When someone else likes what I do for them, I get money from them
  • I must avoid offending other people
  • I need to be polite and have good manners
  • People will think I’m selfish if I ask for money
  • People will be jealous if they see how much I make

In Katie’s book I Need Your Love–Is That True? she writes about how we humans often get into situations where we believe we need to pretend things in order to succeed. This includes making money, for some of us. She mentions Dale Carnegie and his multi-million dollar best-seller classic book about making friends and influencing people and being a great sales person. And she asks us “how do you react when you believe the thought that you can find love and approval by making yourself more likeable?”

How do you react when you believe the thought that by being likeable, you will receive more money?

There is of course absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever with learning techniques to be a great salesperson…it is only when we find ourselves stressed and full of questions about our own integrity that we need to look more deeply.

What if we stopped pretending anything or thinking we need to shift our behavior in order to get money? What if we question what we believe we need to do in order to have a job, that is stressful? What if we stop thinking WE need to figure out how to help that person over there who is giving us money to be pleased with us?

I have found if I don’t need to make an impression, don’t need to win people over, have no concern with whether or not I am liked, connect to the center of my heart and soul, notice how full of joy I feel in giving and receiving, and question that it matters what other people think….then something has started to flow that is beyond all the ideas about whether or not what I do is “worth” any money.

When we question all our thoughts about money, we naturally become more likeable.

Start where you are, you don’t have to make any huge changes. Start by questioning what it would be like if you didn’t ever pretend….see what your thoughts are about yourself and receiving, giving, and earning money.

“In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don’t try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present. When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.”~Tao te Ching #8

Undoing the stressful thoughts about money and how I dance with it has been one of the most exciting, wonderful things in life. Money us such a wonderful friend. Money is so kind, coming and going as it will, being a form of exchange.

How do you know something is worth anything? Write it down and see what you believe about money. It could change your entire life if you question your painful thinking.

Love, Grace

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Attached To Praise

Many of us notice that we are attached to hearing praise. “Wow, you are so amazing, I love what you’re doing, your work is incredible, you did that so well, you get an A, you get a gold star, I would follow you anywhere, I’m madly in love with you, you’re just so perfect…”

Teachers say these kinds of things to students, parents to children, friends to their friends, lovers to each other, employees to bosses, bosses to employees. Anyone might say this who is trying to get the attention of the other person.

It is VERY interesting to watch the place inside that likes the praise. I now like that person who likes me. I do NOT like that other person who does NOT say good things about me.

I remember when I first discovered that I would begin to “like” someone when they apparently liked me. Mostly with authority figures who seemed to think I was doing a good job. If I did a good job at something, then I should do MORE of that.

I did not want to speak up about things I saw at work or school that might take away that positive talk and reinforcement and good feeling I had. I felt safe, I didn’t want to mess up that safe feeling. They like me, oh good. Nothing bad will happen, like getting fired.

Later in life, I seemed to become interested in men who expressed romantic interest in me, attraction for me…although the suspicion of my own motives began to offer me perspective. Just because he wants me, can I detach from knowing that and ask myself if I want him?

Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with someone who is expressing interest, offering praise, saying they appreciate you, speaking their adoration….this is about seeing that some us of start to FORGET what we like and don’t like, because of what is being expressed.

Most of us are deeply drawn to being truly free. No need to receive positive strokes, hear what others think and hope that it’s favorable. But it’s hard to give up and enter the world of NOT KNOWING and doing what pleases ourselves, what is most kind to ourselves.

Here is a most beautiful test, though, thought up by Anthony deMello, that offers a true awareness of what is possible beyond all this pushing and pulling and going towards and going away from others: pretend you’re ultimately in a conversation with God, Source, Reality, the Universe.

You’re talking to IT, the Bigness beyond you. Now notice what it’s like if you tell God or the Universe that you don’t need it/him/her, or any of the praise that Bigness offers. Hearing how perfect you are does not “make” you move towards God differently, does not make you depend on God or feel attached to God.

What if you could say and feel “I am perfectly happy without you. You are free, I am free.”

Perfectly happy with or without The Universe? But I can’t do this life without some encouragement, praise, being loved, being wanted! Bosses have to like me, partners have to adore me, friends have to say how likable I am, God has to accept me unconditionally. I know what all those things look like, and I need them. I will be lonely without enjoying praise. I will be too detached, that would be weird.

“The difference between theism and nontheism is not whether one does or does not believe in God. . . Theism is a deep-seated conviction that there’s some hand to hold: if we just do the right things, someone will appreciate us and take care of us. . . Nontheism is relaxing with the ambiguity and uncertainty of the present moment without reaching for anything to protect ourselves.”~ Pema Chodron

Adyashanti once said during retreat “Enlightenment is standing on your own two feet”.

I am scared of giving up attachment to hearing warm, lovely praise only because I am imagining that it might be frightening out on the open empty plains all alone with no certainty.

But that’s what many of us really, really want. Total freedom. Not allowing ourselves to be manipulated by anything. Open and wild, trusting it all.

Love, Grace

 

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Looking For Something Means I Don’t Like NOW

It seems true that everyone is looking for something. Whether in five minutes or in during this lifetime….we are looking for excitement, peace, creativity, safety, joy, balance, contentment.

Today, I am looking to get a lot of writing done. Some people are looking for a job, a special relationship, more money, adventure, inventing something new in their lives. Maybe you are looking forward to your kids succeeding or becoming really happy.

Perhaps you seek enlightenment, bliss, being awake. Or having the best in-shape awesome healthy body you could possibly have. Or looking for a cure for your cancer.

I have found, pure looking with my hands clapping together and exuberance…is so much fun. No stress. Simple pleasure, loving my desire, loving my imagination.

But it’s soooooooo easy to click over into feeling FRUSTRATED that we don’t have that thing we’re looking for. Enter disappointment, despair, depression, terror, or FURY!

How come those other people get to find what they’re looking for? How come I don’t have it yet? Why am I not satisfied? It seems like I work SO HARD but I’m still not THERE. I keep getting interrupted, bored, tired, abandoned, discouraged. I don’t have enough time!!

Within a matter of minutes (or seconds) we’re seeing what is lacking. NOT what is here in the present situation that is satisfying and good.

Dang it.

Here’s where investigation of the mind comes in, doing The Work so we have really simple questions (not always simple to answer). Oh good, I get to dive into that “difficulty” and see what it’s here for, see what’s going on.

  • I’m not getting what I’m looking for fast enough
  • the sooner I find it, the better
  • I can’t really have fun, relax or completely enjoy myself until I find ___.
  • this moment/situation/experience could be improved if I had ___.

Things would be good if I had more money, more peace, a boyfriend, a wife….if I stayed on my diet, followed an exercise program, spent more time outdoors….if I meditated more, had time to study, found the right teacher….if I figured out the best tricks for my business growth, sold more products, launched a new offering….if my house was clean, my closet had space, the lawn was mowed.

Who would you be without the belief that you can’t relax, you can’t enjoy your desire, you can’t get what you want, you shouldn’t speak up and ask for help, or that NOW is not good enough?

But if I think that NOW is GOOD, then things will never improve! I will be a saintly pacifist with no accomplishments! I will be bummed out, never “trying” to go for anything. Life will be meaningless. NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE!!

Are you sure?

Could it be possible that I could be thrilled, full of wonder, contentedly happy, kind, and softly relaxed….right in the middle of dreaming about all that money I will have in the future and all the fun I will have in my business or job developments?

Could I be absolutely delighted right now, as I think with joy about my clean house, the mowed lawn, the work I will do on my computer, the open honest intimate conversation I will have with my spouse or my boss?

Could I be having an awesome rockin’ time dancing or attending a party by myself while excitedly thinking of how fun it is to have a date, a partner, a spouse?

Without the thoughts that something must happen, and THEN I will be really happy…I notice it’s possible to be ecstatic right now.

Even if something terrible is happening, like my father is dying….I notice without the thought that this shouldn’t be happening and that I am entirely against it, I cry and my grief flows like a river and I hold his hand and I do not feel desperate.

There is something present in every moment that is content, that is OK. Even the moments that need a slight adjustment, according to the mind, and the ones needing a major overhaul (like death and trauma).

“The plot twist changes. But underlying that, something is the same, and as far back as you can remember…….You think that enlightenment is something other than what is happening right now. This is your primary mistake”~ Adyashanti

If what is happening right now, for me, includes dreaming of running two glorious retreats full of curious, thoughtful people all doing The Work on their hatred or sadness with their imperfect bodies, and their painful addictions, then without a stressful thought about it, I feel such happiness right NOW. It’s SO FUN. I notice I start writing, I know what to do next, right in this moment.

Which way do you think you will get more of what you want? Being against what is happening right now, or being for it?

Love, Grace

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Go Really Slow If You’re In A Hurry

Many of us have a person in our lives who we repeatedly notice brings up stress for us, maybe even every single time we are in their presence. It may be someone you once knew in the past but don’t interact with anymore. But just THINKING about them makes you mad, scared, or sad.

“That jerk! That *&%^$@! I can’t believe they….! I will NEVER speak to that person again! That was the biggest mistake I ever made!”

The mind races. Full of memories, thoughts, ideas, images of that mean, nasty person who was so full of BS or such a rotten, selfish jerk. Or worse.

After I had been doing the Work for a few years, I encountered a person in my life (OK, there may have been several) who brought up unhappiness inside myself constantly. Frustration, anger. It seemed like every time I talked with them, I felt irritation or fear.

“That person makes me so mad!”

When I was believing this thought, I noticed that my body felt very tense, fists clenched, it felt like hot steam was coming out of both ears like a cartoon character. I wanted to RUN AWAY before I hit something! Boiling mad!

Simply slowing down, and not getting scared because I’m angry or scared, is the first step I found towards freedom. This work of inquiry can be about taking the most tiny baby steps towards questioning what I believe. Like even just questioning the thought that the person I’m thinking of MAKES ME MAD.

Is it true? YES! I wasn’t mad a second ago when I wasn’t thinking about them! Now I’m really mad because I AM thinking about them. Jeez!!

But can I absolutely know that it’s true that THEY are making me mad? I mean….there they are being themselves, saying what they say, acting like THAT….and who is reacting with anger? Could there be another way of responding? Am I sure it’s that person’s fault that I am feeling mad?

Who would I be without the thought that they are making me angry? That what they are doing MAKES anger rise inside me? That what they are saying creates this energy of anger in my torso and my fists?

Well. Without that thought, I am curious about where this anger comes from, or what it is. I don’t attack that person so fast, as the responsible party for this uncomfortable feeling of anger or hatred. I don’t want to run away so fast. Getting away doesn’t matter so much.

Gosh. Could it be that this anger came from somewhere OTHER than that person? I look. This takes slowing way down. It’s like taking a 3-D snapshot of this moment right after that person does what they do that “created” anger inside me. I look at this moment carefully. I see my own face. I am feeling confused. I am feeling scared, maybe even terrified. I am feeling hurt.

I am thinking that I know what it means when this person does that…and it’s not good. It means they are tricking me, taking advantage of me, hurting me, not caring about me, not understanding me. It means they can threaten my happiness or peace. It’s dangerous to be in their presence. So here comes ANGER to help out, to offer protection.

If I turn around the thought to “I am making myself angry” I see the truth of this. They are simply being themselves, having their own responses. Being human. They are not handing me a ball of anger. They do not have a magic wand and zapping me “be filled with anger NOW!”

Anger is not streaming like water or light FROM them INTO me. They are not forcing me to be angry, they are not MAKING me become angry. Even if they were holding me down and sitting on me and being violent, I cannot take their anger like a vaccuum cleaner sucks up dirt. The anger has to start from somewhere inside of ME.

So where is this anger actually produced? It’s an energy that follows my thinking. I think they can hurt me, I believe it’s really true, that I could be rejected, taken advantage of, mistreated. When I believe that this is possible, my mind produces the energy force field of anger.

What if it wasn’t possible to think that this person was a threat?

I could replay the 3-D movie again, with so much more curiosity. Frame by frame, I could see where it was in that split second that I thought I was in danger. The exact second that I didn’t believe love was present, that things could be OK no matter what.

Loving what is for me starts with slowing down every moment of any stressful experience to study it, like a scientist. Where do I believe, in this moment, that this is not a friendly universe? What do I really think is true?

“This need to control the flow of life because you somehow feel your well-being or survival is at stake is universal to the ordinary human condition. Generally experienced as tension in the gut, often in the solar plexus or the lower abdomen, it’s the glue that holds together the thoughts, feelings, images, and memories that make up the illusory self.”~ Stephen Bodian

When I am separate from you, and when I believe I MUST be separate from you because you MAKE me mad, I enhance the separation. I live with anger and fear. I see these feelings as necessary for protecting my separate self, for being safe.

Who would you be without that thought that you were in danger, something about you was in danger, when that person did what they did?

What if that moment was perfectly safe, when they did that horrible thing, said those terrible words, ripped you off, ignored you, stole your money?

Can you find anything that could be safe about that moment? Even the tiniest example?

Look at the scene again where that person made you so angry. Look at it and now, tell yourself a new story that this went just the way it did and it was OK. Reality was running itself, all headed towards a loving outcome. Everything becoming balanced, everything offering beauty, gentleness, peace. Love present in any and every moment, even that one.

Slowing that moment down to as slow motion as possible, see what is there. It may change  your entire experience of the same person in the future. You may not experience any anger again when you think about them at all. There they will be, doing what they do, and not “making” you mad.

Who are you, in that moment, when you drop the thoughts that you are threatened?

Open. Unknowing. Expansive, curious, waiting….trusting. Awake!

“It takes no time to be who you are”~ A Course In Miracles

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The Silence We All Have

One of the most comforting, interesting ideas that is repeated by many wise teachers is that we all have some part of us that is solid, unchanging, and kinda beyond this world, beyond the body, beyond whatever is happening.

I was listening to an interview with Stephen Covey, the man who wrote the popular book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People some time ago.

He said “People can’t live with change if there’s not a changeless core inside them.”

Deepak Chopra said “in the midst of chaos and movement, there is a stillness inside you.”

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who wrote so famously on the subject of death and dying said “Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose.”

I used to wonder what this silence was that people mentioned from time to time. When I closed my eyes and tried to meditate and be quiet, it was like a crowd chattering in all different languages, plus a jack-hammer going and some loud beeps like trucks make when they’re going backwards.

I would start thinking about everything. In fact, it even drove me nuts.

One of my favorite things about The Work is that I have questioned enough painful beliefs, it seems, that I began to feel a core inside me that was unchanging, and silent, and very solid and deep.

Great comfort with silence within is an absolutely amazing side-effect of The Work. Once I had questioned my thinking about the things I was most afraid of in all of my life for a couple of years, I decided to go on my first silent meditation retreat.

The first few days, I thought I might go completely bonkers. So many thoughts and voices talking, thoughts like “this is boring” or “I’m not doing this right” or replaying conversations with people I had known 20 years before.

The other day I was riding my bike and listening on my ipod to Katie talk with people about their greatest fears when they lose their jobs or can’t pay their bills. People were talking about how terrible it would be to have only a shopping cart on the street, to be homeless, to not be able to pay their utilities and have no heat or light.

Katie loves to ask “have you ever really NOT had enough? give me a time when you really didn’t have enough, what is that story, the absolute WORST moment.”

I have done this worst-case scenario thinking many, many times. My mind loves to think of scary things and present them, sort of like a fashion show of possibilities. Like my mind is saying “you thought that one was scary? How about this one!”

What a relief to have the question “who would I be without this thought, that this scene or outcome would be TERRIBLE?”

What if everything that happens offers something beautiful?

Katie says “Life will give you everything you need to go deeper.”

I love the deep places, the place inside that is very silent and expansive. All those pictures my mind invents about a scary future or annoying moment in the future, I know they are not real. They’re in my imagination.

Right there in meditation, as my mind is thinking loudly, I can realize that what I’m imagining is not even true, and remember who I would be without this story.

From Loving What Is “how do I know I don’t need two arms [fill in the blank on what you think is missing]? I only have one. There’s no mistake in the universe. The story ‘I need two arms’ is where the suffering begins, because it argues with reality. Without the story…I’m complete with no right arm…”

Wow, if I think about something I thought was missing, like more money for example, and then I drop the story that it is missing….there is an alive, open, buzzing, happy unknown space in the center of me….silent, trusting.

We all have it.