Tag: loving what is

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Fantastic BFF Friends

I was talking to a friend yesterday morning…about friends.

About being a friend, having friends, being friends with yourself,
best friends, BFFs, new friends, old friends, and how the world keeps
getting friendlier, the longer you do The Work.

There’s nothing like having a friend–who you can tell everything to.

Sometimes it’s almost “magical” when you open up to another
person…you can hear YOU reflected back by a loving mirror.

It’s also strange how the world can seem so scary, unfriendly,
confusing, and even terrifying…when you feel “friendless,”
alone, and seem to have nowhere to turn.

On February 10, my next teleclass starts. It’s about relationships
of every kind and the thoughts that turn them into battlegrounds,
cemeteries, and ghost towns…instead of safe harbors, greenhouses,
and fertile places to grow.

It all starts with your OWN thinking, even if you’re surrounded
by people and family and friends at every turn…

…and even if you don’t have a friend in the world, which
seems ABSOLUTELY TRUE when we’re believing our thoughts.

And it’s about what I said earlier:

“…how the world keeps getting friendlier, the longer you do The Work.”

When you’re in emotional pain, a statement like that seems like
utter nonsense…even insulting…and absolutely ridiculous when
you’re in the grip of a broken, bruised, or struggling relationship…

…and love seems like some far off, cruel, or bittersweet dream
that only plays on the radio or those super-sad CDs.

The class is called:

Turning Relationship-HELL into Heaven.
Do you want someone to forgive you? Do you wonder who’s fault it is?
Are ancient grudges destroying your family? Have you left a trail of
“serial” relationship behind you?  Do you think people are just plain mean?
Are co-workers driving you nuts (or your boss, lover, mother, or kids)?
Do you fight and make up (a lot)? Do you just give up and think “why bother?”
Do you feel like you’d finally be happy if people understood you?
Do you think you deserve better, but secretly think you’ll be alone forever?

Do you feel devastated because someone close has gone away?

These thoughts and feelings are not enemies, they’re actually friends
who open door to healing, lasting peace, and relationship contentment.

I know about broken relationships after coming back from
the Byron Katie School six years ago, only to hear my husband
say he was moving out! “What?”

Boy…did that throw all the thoughts I’ve mentioned, right
in my face!

And that “magical” thing I mentioned? I “found” it by questioning
my thinking about my former husband (who’s now a dear friend),
sisters, mom, kids, friends, partner…and about myself.

It wasn’t overnight, by any means. But by gently and consistently
doing The Work, I now find friends everywhere…from a stranger
on the corner, to my ever-deepening relationships with
my partner, kids, clients, family…you name it!

I hope you’ll join me at the class, with a group of friends,
and that you’ll continue to find your freedom by questioning
your thoughts.

Much love, Grace

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Alumni in New Sexuality Teleclass

Two quick fun things about Thursday’s new sexuality class.

One is my no-secret secret. The other is that 2 of the members
are “alumni”…meaning, they’ve been in other classes of mine.

I love, love, love, love that…because we’re already friends,
and we just go deeper and deeper…together.

Friends who we can tell ANYTHING about ourselves…
the “worst” things about us (Question 3: fears, discomfort, shame)…

…and the best (Question 4) the natural comfort with our bodies, the
curiosity, the pleasure of touch, excitement, passion, attraction, and peace.

The no-secret secret is that sometimes people in my classes think
THEY are getting a lot out of the class and I’M doing the
facilitating as my “job.”

But it’s the most wonderful thing in the world for ME, too.

I do my own work with everyone, as they’re doing theirs. And
having a variety of people means we can find those places
in ourselves we might not have thought of before.

For me, it’s like being given minute-by-minute gifts…for hours
every day…of more and more freedom and peace.

Like Byron Katie says: “Just when you think
your life can’t get any better…it DOES.”

So I’m grateful for all the people in my classes (I’m also flattered
my returning “alumni” want to do more with me!)

Here are more topics that come up, besides the ones from yesterday’s e-mail:

  • needing, pleasing, wanting…desperately and endlessly (then hating yourself for being a “doormat”)
  • thinking sex will “fill” you…though it never truly does
  • giving and giving without receiving what you need
  • wondering if there shouldn’t be something more to sex
  • feeling embarrassed about your body: too fat, skinny, weird shape (of embarrassing parts), clumsiness, smells, secretions
  • trying to get (well-deserved) approval but not believing it when you do
  • can’t stop thinking about your body image so it’s interfering with sex and actually “being there” with your partner (this was a BIG one for me, I preferred sex in the dark before inquiry)

Groups are great, because you get to hear that everybody’s got
the same crazy jumble and tumble of thoughts that you do…
…and the relief when you reveal something horrible and no
one even thinks it’s a big deal-except YOU!

It’s so amazing when the BIG terrors and deep-dark stuff
isn’t even a blip on someone else’s radar–IT’S JUST A THOUGHT!

Much love and fun and peace with your sexuality,

Grace

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Hideous Cellulite Humiliation

Think of your “worst nightmare.”

One of mine was having people see, be disgusted by,
know the truth about, or laugh at my jiggling thigh cellulite.

And if I really capture the worst..
…and go deep…right to the heart of the worst imaginable,
internally-squirming, cold-sweat humiliation….

Or as Byron Katie sometimes says, “What’s your worst nightmare?”
The real “knife-in-the-heart” reaction?

When it comes to my body, it would be standing on stage,
either in a bikini or maybe even naked, with all the people
I know in the audience, thinking “eewwwww, I had no idea,
she is in terrible shape, how disgusting!”

I’d be standing facing away from them, at a slight angle under bright
lights so the backs of my thighs, where the wavy bumps
and rolls, would absolutely STAND OUT for everyone to see.

The audience would be feeling terrible for me, extreme pity. Murmurs
of horror and shame.

And I’d have nowhere to run or escape, and no way to erase this
image of my body from their minds, ever.

Whew! That’s really what it was like for me.

You have to have some amazingly powerful images and thoughts to
be as self-hating as I was.

So how did I react when I believed the thought that my thighs were
disgusting? This is question #3 of course in The Work.

I wanted to DIE…get away, squirm, cover my hideously ugly thighs, think
about changing my diet, exercise more. I had images of men turning away in
disgust and women being disappointed, saying, “Yuck!” when they saw
me, and feel devastatingly discouraged. I wished I had a different body,
and I felt a LOT of internal pain.

That’s why one of my most favorite quotes in the world is:

“Where you stumble, there lies your treasure” by Joseph Campbell.

I turned the spot light on this pain, even though I chided myself for being
ridiculous, superficial, and caring about looks waaaay too much.

And now, I don’t feel the same way in the slightest about my body
anymore.

But if someone had told me this was possible, I would have thought they
were false, pie-in-the-sky, bullshit-preaching, positive-thinking liars.

Though secretly, behind the anger and fear, I would have desperately
wanted to believe it was possible…

But now, I actually LIVE in the fourth question of The Work, “Who
would you be WITHOUT that thought that my thighs look disgusting?”
Without the thought that cellulite is ugly.

I can actually look in the mirror, at the cellulite that’s STILL THERE,
and feel completely at peace and happy without a twinge of
self-hate or embarrassment or revulsion. I decided it looked like Texas
Hill Country…beautiful rolling hills. I wouldn’t say “those hills need
to be flat and smooth for them to be beautiful”. Hilarious!

This is what we were dealing with this past weekend in my hometown
Seattle, Washington, USA.

And I feel grateful, with such a connection to the courageous 14 folks
who were here with me, doing their own precious work on their
painful moments with food, body image, body shapes, and eating.

And I hope that by reading this, if you’re struggling with your
own thoughts…at any level…even if it’s just 2 extra pounds that
you think “shouldn’t” be there on your thighs or face or stomach…

…that it brings you a little more acceptance and peace, and
awareness of how you’re believing something about what you see,
when you criticize your body, that isn’t actually true for you.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. My food teleclass starts tomorrow on Tuesday to work with more
folks with these same kinds of thoughts and feelings. At the moment,
there’s one last spot available…and there’s even a GUY in the class!

Lot’s of guys think this is only “what women go through”!

If it’s full when you sign up, I’ll let you know right away
and I’ll put you right on the waiting list for the next
one which will be in a couple months on Saturdays.

It’s called:

Horrible Food-Wonderful Food!

Healing the Love/Hate Relationship with
Eating, Food, & Our Bodies-that Leads
to Weight Gain & Loss, Anorexia, Bulimia,
Exercise Addiction, Binge Eating,
Dangerous Diets and Depression.

Also starting on Thursday:

Our Wonderful SEXUALITY!
Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love,
Fear, Body Image, Confusion, Tenderness…
and Joyful Intimacy!   Starts Jan. 19

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Live From The Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend

I can’t help but be amazed over and over again
when a group gathers together to look deeply at beliefs,
concepts, awareness of themselves, this human life.

Last night 15 people gathered together in our workshop
together to slow down the mind and see what’s going on
in this relationship with food, how we experience eating,
and what we believe about our bodies.

This is the basic stuff of life and death, really. We eat,
it keeps the body going somehow, giving it energy,
and then we also have all these enormous, extremely
painful beliefs about what would be better, how it isn’t
enough, how it’s too much, how I need to improve, and
how I need to live as long as possible and be “healthy”.

We all questioned the belief “food shouldn’t tempt me”.

An amazing idea, and a very painful one…and one so
many of us think every day, about food or other things.

To believe I shouldn’t be tempted by something lovely
in this world, that something terrible will happen if I am
tempted…that something in me is needy or weak if I am
tempted…that something is wrong with me…

Out of this comes control, diets, fear, anger, an outright
war rages battle, self-hate.

When we turned the thought around “I should be tempted”
something inside relaxed for people. There it is, and I’m
tempted. This is not an emergency.

Can I just be with this moment without so much fear,
noticing what I’m thinking that delicious looking food will
give me if I eat it, looking around and seeing other things
also besides food, noticing that I’m actually OK right now,
I’m alive and breathing and all is well.

This is the beginning of freedom!

Love, Grace

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Diet-Food Teleclass Confusion

A quick note to clear up any confusion about the
“Food” teleclass that starts next week (Tuesday
Jan 17th, 8-9:30 AM Pacific Std Time, for 8 weeks).

Some people think it’s only for people with scary,
super-serious issues like I had–I was suicidally anorexic
and bulimic and terribly confused about my body image.

But this teleclass is actually for EVERYONE…because
we’ve all got issues with food–and it’s NOT just women!

Like one guy who’s going to be on the teleclass.

He said he can feel how low-level anxiety and worry
will send him to the kitchen for a quick snack or some coffee.

Which doesn’t seem like that big of a deal.

But he’s got arthritis starting in a few knuckles and is “mildly
panicked” about his hands and is getting ready to do a nutrition
program to see if it will help.

The program requires just 3 meals a day for the first 10 days
with NO SNACKING.

And he’s noticing more panic and fear coming up, with
thoughts like:

“I can’t do it!!!!!!!!!”

He says it feels “crippling” when he believes those thoughts and
sees the image of himself being desperate to eat and hungry
and suffering and tired and weak for lack of food.

Hummm…sounds EXACTLY like me in my anorexic/bulimic days…

…and like EXACTLY the thoughts I hear from people trying to
lose weight, gain weight, or deal with ANY issues with food or
being obsessed with how they look.

So no matter who you are or what you’re struggling with, if
you’re even curious about the class, feel free to call me
and ask any question you might have about The Work or
whether your problem is beyond this class…or even if it
seems too unimportant to bother us in this class.

All are welcome…even the normal looking guy with
average body weight and the arthritis in his knuckles.

And no one’s problem is too big or too small.

Wishing you peace with food and your body (I felt hopeless
about finding peace, and now I hardly think about food or
my body…..if I can change so can you).

Love, Grace

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Flat Out Lizard Drinking

I love the Aussies, the Kenyans, the Japanese,
the French, the English, the Mexicans, the Dutch.

I love the folks I get to meet from around the world
at the Byron Katie events and on my teleclasses.

I love how we can all connect, from all over
the globe, on the internet with Skype and conference calls.

I also love the “lizard” thing, from one of my Aussie
companions on this journey, who I met in a teleclass.

In Aussie-speak, “flat out like a lizard drinking,”
means being VERRRRRRRRRRRRY busy.

Hilarious!

Which is great, because even though the teleclasses are
sometimes dealing with the most painful, gut-wrenching
things we can possibly go through…

…sometimes there’s a lot of goofing around, laughter,
loving teasing, and kidding.

And sometimes, after the teleclasses, group members
even stay in touch and keep doing The Work together.

In my teleclasses, there are writers, professionals,
unemployed, other facilitators, doctors, people going through
bankruptcy, therapists, actors, business owners, factory workers,
homemakers, students.

And no matter where your pain is coming from and what
you do in life, we all think the same thoughts.

It’s so freeing to be an “ordinary” human being…even
with the “worst” problems imaginable.

To realize you’re not better or worse, higher or lower.

Check the links below to see what fits your life best in
my teleclasses…the next one to start, next Tuesday,
focuses on food, eating, and body image. Then there’s a
great one on Sex and Sexuality starting next Thursday Jan. 19th.

Click on the link and send me an email to let me know which
class you’re signing on with.

We’ll be Flat Out Lizard Drinking with The Work, and let
everything else relax.

Much love to all, Grace

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Tebow-Time Thinking

If you haven’t heard of Tim Tebow, it’s
really quite a story, and fascinating to watch.

He’s an underdog quarterback for the Denver Broncos
and a very religious young man.

He just won an outstanding game where all the sports
pundits said he was washed up after  a couple
“dismal failures.”

He’s also been the center of HUGE polarizing controversies
about wearing his religion on his sleeve, whether he’s
good enough to play at this position, etc., etc.

Millions of people love him and millions hate him.

There are so many concepts surrounding things
like this…so many things to do The Work on that can take
us to our freedom.

I was a dedicated cross-country athlete in high school and college
and know how powerful the concepts of winning and losing are.

But it’s not just athletics.

It can be an argument where 2 innocent people with different
ideas gradually escalate into anger and viciousness about
who wins the argument…when they actually love each other.

Sometimes it’s polite viciousness and anger, sometimes it’s
with shouting and screaming.

It can be with food and eating and weight and whether
WE are winning or the FOOD is winning (when it’s
really our thinking).

It’s fun just looking at the Tebow phenomenon, where people
identify so fiercely with an underdog, like Tim Tebow, and have
HUGE emotional investments in how their “hero” does…
it makes for wonderful Work.

Winning and losing and “proving” ourselves can fuel
billion dollar industries-sports, politics, or a business trying
to get “market share,” or get revenge and crush the competition.

Or it can make us suffer along, with every bite of food we take.
My weekend on food and eating is in three days in Seattle. We are officially full but there’s room for one more if you email me soon. We’re diving into the game and getting to the root of what we’re believing—would love to have you join me.

Much love, Grace

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I Can’t Do That

One of the most sneaky, sad, depressing ways
my thinking has messed with my peace and freedom
is with this simple but powerful thought “I CAN’T DO THAT”.

It comes right after a really fantastic idea.

It comes right after a really frightening idea.

It comes right after I get a vision of something in the
future that might be possible, and it feels big and juicy
and like a wild dream.

The mind is such a pessimist! Here are some of the reasons
my thinking comes up with WHY I can’t do something:

–he will be very sad
–she won’t approve of me
–they will think I’m greedy
–people will get outrageously mad at me
–people will find me disgusting and uncool
–I’ll screw it up and regret I tried to do it

All very, very stressful beliefs, and all full of a good punch
that often results in “DON’T EVEN TRY IT”.

But what if you could do that. What if you knew you
really, really, really wanted to do it, you were drawn
to do it, something in you was saying “Go! Now!” or
you keep coming back to the idea over and over again.

Even if it’s just a little whiff of an idea, a soft breeze passing,
a tiny hint of a suggestion…”I CAN do that”. Why not see if it’s
just as true, or truer, that you can.

It’s not really that I can’t do something, most of the time.
I try, and I do it or I don’t do it…it may not even matter.

Come see what it’s like to live the turnarounds of these stressful
beliefs, share with others who may have had the same painful
beliefs, and question them using The Work together.

We have only one spot left for this weekend retreat on food, eating
and the body. And the teleclass with the same topic starts next
Tuesday!

I would love to have you join me on the journey to the freedom of
seeing if you can do it, without terrible stress and panic.

Love, Grace

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Bare Naked Heart

Although it was scary at first (and still
is at times), doing The Work with others
and allowing them to see where I hide from
the world and myself, is one of the most liberating
things I’ve ever done…and continue to do….

…my heart…bare and naked!

So…here’s some of MY latest work.

Which I’m showing you here for a 2 reasons.

One is, to help dispel the myth that people who’ve
been “in” The Work for a long time are in some
way “different,” more “evolved,” or “superior.”

If anything, the longer you’ve been in The Work,
the thoughts you work on seem even MORE petty,
trivial, and ridiculous.

And I guess the 2nd reason is sort of the same.

To remind you that we’re all working on the same
thoughts and can learn from each other’s work.

I continue to marvel at how everyone’s work
in my classes…is MY work, too.

I’m also amazed at the courage, integrity, and
innocence of “us.”

My clients and class members inspire ME!

With that said, here’s my one liner. I’ll give
you the whole thing over the next couple days
in a thumbnail form (not all the scribbling, doodles,
and arrows in the margins of my notebook):

“He/She should stop hurting”

I look out into the world, I talk with the most
amazing, beautiful people, and sometimes I feel
sad that they are “hurting” or suffering; grieving,
smoking, drinking, overeating, hopeless, full of despair,
cheated, lost, desperate, suicidal, afraid…

They are sad, so I am sad.

Now that’s rather…funny really. Stay tuned for how
I work with this thought. And write me about your
experience of working it as well.

We’re all in this together.

Love, Grace

 

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I’m Not Good Enough

I was thinking again about all your stressful beliefs you
all have sent in to me, and discovering a very common
belief “I’m not good enough”.

I hear Katie’s voice saying “Good enough for WHAT?!”

What an amazing question. I find that to try to answer it,
I’m dumbfounded (great word, eh?)

So let’s really look at this concept, which is so common and
has been around in the human race for…well, maybe since
the first cave man died from tripping over a cliff and his friend found him
on the river bed below and thought “I better not ever let this happen
to me, I need to be good enough”.

At least it feels like survival 101. I find when I’m thinking
“I’m not good enough” I start scheming on how to get better.
Or, go crawl in bed and avoid things, which is at least apparently
risk-free.

But who would I be if I didn’t have the idea that I’m not good enough?

First of all, I’d show up. I’d attend the big meeting, I’d raise my hand,
if I had the idea to go talk to that attractive person over there
I probably would do it. I’d sign up for a new class, I’d call many of my
friends and ask them if they know anyone hiring for jobs right now.
I’d sign up for OK Cupid free online dating service.

I’d call my mother. I’d finish my resume. I’d think of someone who I
know is super duper supportive and call them to talk. I’d ask someone
to facilitate me on my stressful beliefs.

I’m GOOD ENOUGH to be this person who is sitting here on the couch,
writing this email. I’m good enough to find out I might not know
everything…wow, I hardly have words to express it…
I think that I’m struck DUMB (dumb-founded, right?)

It literally means NOT TALKING.

Amazed and in awe by all that I’m good enough for. You are too!

What are you good enough for? I bet there’s a lot…everything you’ve done
so far, everything you’ve felt, everything you’ve lived has been good
enough. You’re here right now, perfectly YOU, including all your
stressy beliefs.

WOW! You guys are awesome!

And when you don’t think so, come join a class. The support is fabulous,
and you discover how you aren’t alone.

Love, Grace