As I went to sleep last night, and as I awoke again this morning, I noticed a feeling had followed me through the night.
Not exactly a light-hearted, fun-loving, desirable feeling.
No.
This felt like discouragement. A physical, sinking, low-energy feeling of something “not working”.
Have you ever noticed you stop having words or clarity about your feelings….but they just seem off?
So many talk and write about the human condition being one of attaching to ideas, and feelings, and following them without protest or question.
When my kids were little, one of my favorite books I read to them was called “Alexander and the horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day.”
We’ll still joke sometimes about horrible-terrible-no-good-very-bad days.
But here’s where they get a bit off the track….when you have this uncomfortable or low feeling….and you judge it in ways that make the situation even worse, even bigger, even more difficult.
Kinda like piling it on, like adding dry cedar logs to the fire, like giving yourself a kick when you’re already down.
I could feel that kind of energy knocking on the door.
It goes like this:
What is the source of this feeling? (Hardly pausing for even one second to really reflect, instead going fast to the next thought).
Hmmm, maybe it was something I ate. Maybe it’s the dreary gray sky and rainy weather. Maybe it’s my bank account. Maybe it’s hormones associated with menopause. Maybe I’ve been irresponsible around this need to find new health insurance for 2015 since I’m self-employed. Maybe I’m kidding myself that I could successfully run a business. Maybe I’ll never make a million dollars or pay off my house the way I’m planning.
You might have your own version.
It sneaks in and grows very rapidly sometimes.
I’ll never get there. I’ll never find what I’m looking for. I’ll never be where I want to be.
Life is hard. Bleh.
“I need to know why I’m feeling this sadish discontented discouragement.”
Is that true?
Yes. Then I can nip it in the bud next time.
So many fun things have happened in the past few weeks, what’s my problem anyway? JEEZUS.
Wait.
Are you sure you need to know why this ebb and flow, this downer time, this inner urge?
Are you sure it’s bad? Are you positive this is a no good very bad day?
Are you sure you can’t handle the grief, the sadness, the incident, the situation you remember….the life you’ve gone through?
No.
Who would you be without the belief that you need to perk up, this is unhappiness, there’s no hope, you SHOULD be discouraged, or that life is hard? Without the belief you need to find out why you’re not feeling so good today?
Even as the question comes out….something in me chuckles.
Without these thoughts…I look around where I am. I’m back in this moment, now, noticing the complete and utter silence in this room. Only the buzzing of the tiny refrigerator motor.
The walls, the pictures, the table, the chair, the fingers, the bookshelf, the darkness outside, everything very, very quiet.
Feeling what is right here, without thought, without discouragement, without plans for the future, without need for more, without needing to KNOW.
“Inquiry is grace. It wakes up inside you, and it’s alive, and there’s no suffering that can stand against it. It will take you over, and then it doesn’t matter what life brings you, ‘good’ or ‘bad’…..Even the most radical problem becomes just a sweet, natural happening, an opportunity for your own self-realization.” ~ Byron Katie
Staying right here is all that is needed.
Remember to ask “is it true?” and become very still.
No need to go anywhere, do anything, understand it thoroughly.
Whew, nothing required.
Much love, Grace