Thank you, Relationship With Food

Most of you know that I consider one of my first difficult relationships the one I developed with food and eating.

It came in as a distinct relationship around adolescence, the usual time young people are becoming interested in adulthood, attraction to others, sexuality, greater responsibility.

I was afraid of the universe. Things did NOT look all that safe to me.

But from that time forward, I can honestly say that I never, ever stayed happily, openly, easily, freely on any kind of a food plan or diet.

I would decide on a late afternoon one day, “tomorrow, I am going to quit consuming Evil Sugar in all forms” and by 9:30 am the next morning I would decide “nevermind, I am going to eat whatever the hell I want”.

I gave up going on food plans or diets pretty early in my troubled eating experience. It was extremely painful to fail, when I already felt like a big failure around food and eating.

Well, recently, after hearing about it for a few years, I came to the conclusion that for three weeks, it was a pretty darn good idea for me to make some changes in my diet.

Which means, not eating whatever I want, whenever I want it.

This is honestly the first time I can remember doing this in my life since my relationship to food stopped being a violent war zone, 25 years ago.

If I’ve done some kind of food plan or been under medical guidance to not eat something, I can’t remember it, so it didn’t make a big impact.

My story has continued to be, I will eat whatever, whenever, however, whichever I want.

Sort of rebellious, I must confess.

But also, a great exploration in experimenting, learning to not be afraid of particular foods I had been told were evil (like candy), finding out for myself what actually worked for me and what didn’t.

I was so deeply committed to seeing things without a moral evaluation attached.

When I was young, people actually would say, when they ate certain foods, that it was naughty, sneaky, cheating, or bad.

Like there was some kind of dark, seductive, haunting, terrible force in that food…like the DEVIL.

But recently, all these years later….there I was actually reading about food chemistry, calories, agents, molecules, all because I thought I’d do some research on some symptoms I was having…

….and I wound up cutting out a bunch of types of food from my normal daily diet.

Just a temporary experiment, allowing myself to see what is actually true for this particular body.

Here’s the funny part I wanted to share with you all: the day after I decided it sounded interesting to do this….an old voice called me on the inner-mind telephone.

“Uh, Grace….remember me? I’m the rebellious teenager who will not be denied here. You are skating on thin ice. Do you want to fail? Are you sure you want to cut out those yummy foods you eat EVERY DAY? This is a little too much focus on food, don’t you think?”

It crossed my mind to drop the whole thing. After maybe 15 hours, 8 of which I was asleep.

Almost immediately, I recognized the fear in that voice, the one who thinks it will be deprived, starving, frightened, restricted, controlled, bossed around, and abused.

Long ago, my restriction of food, and then the huge binge-eating episodes, was like the Dictator in the Concentration Camp withholding food in a war with a Raging Urge to Stay Alive.

Back then, it was outright war, and no solution. Everyone lost, all the time.

No happiness or joy in any of those extreme swings.

I felt great compassion for that old self, so terrified as it once was.

And I saw the idea floating up to be questioned “I can’t handle this, I will be deprived, this will hurt, I won’t get what I want, too scary, too hard.”

Is that true?

Can I really absolutely know for sure that eliminating these foods and doing an experiment of eating other things instead will be too hard, that I’ll be deprived or scared or angry or hungry?

No. I can’t know that for sure.

In fact, the whole point is to see if the opposite is true. Jeez.

“So, how do you get back to heaven? To begin with, just notice the thoughts that take you away from it. You don’t have to believe everything your thoughts tell you. Just become familiar with the particular thoughts you use to deprive yourself of happiness. It may seem strange at first to get to know yourself in this way, but becoming familiar with your stressful thoughts will show you the way home to everything you need.” ~ Byron Katie

Who would I be without the belief that switching around what I am eating in this time/space reality is gonna be difficult, in any way?

Totally excited to play this game. Noticing the fun of learning. Noticing how easy it is to say “no” and then say “yes” and take care of this body the best I know how to, for today.

Turning that impulse around that believes this food experience could mean deprivation, I find these words coming alive: “I can handle this, I will be satisfied, I am satisfied right now, this will heal, I will get what I want, this isn’t scary, this is easy, this is actually fun.”

 “Life always gives us exactly the teacher we need at every moment. This includes every mosquito, every misfortune, every red light, every traffic jam, every obnoxious supervisor (or employee), every illness, every loss, every moment of joy or depression, every addiction, every piece of garbage, every breath. Every moment is the Guru.” ~ Joan Tollifson

Even a little idea about changing the way we eat….which may be a bigger idea than we think….is our teacher.

For me, one of the greatest teachers, a holy representation of my belief about life.

Thank you, Relationship With Food.

Love, Grace

P.S. Weekend intensive on Food and Eating in Seattle December 14-15, 2013. Click HERE for brief description—more on this coming soon.

Thinking–The Mother of All Addiction

Have you ever tried to stop thinking? Ooooh boy, that’s a doozy.

Especially when you’re thinking about something uncomfortable, or even traumatic.

Should I choose that or choose this? I wonder what she meant when she gave me that look? He shouldn’t have slammed the door! I can’t stand seeing the accident over and over in my mind. I can’t believe she betrayed me like that. He must have a personality disorder of some kind. I wonder what will happen tomorrow? It would be god-awful to quit smoking now, at a time like this. I’ll quit later. 

The mind is busy running, commenting on EVERYTHING. Dang, it is busy.

Good news. Have you ever also noticed that some part of you NOTICES that you are thinking? That you have a mind that’s running and chattering itself practically to death?

So even though there’s this part that’s going high-speed in the fast lane quite a bit of the time, there’s another part that seems separate from all that. It notices the thinking.

Recently I was listening to Adyashanti, a spiritual teacher I greatly admire, and he said that when we meditate, we often notice this voice kick in and we get lost in it, but when we come up for air, suddenly becoming aware that we’ve been lost in thought, we can choose to feel gratitude.

Gratitude!? For wasting time being lost in my little measly ridiculous streams of thought for the last hour?!!

Yes, he said. We can feel grateful for coming back to reality, to expansiveness, to awareness and sanity!

In the past, I would criticize myself when I popped back up from a long drawn out thinking session.

What’s WRONG WITH YOU, you dork! Why can’t you stop thinking!

Not very kind.

It’s been a true Love/Hate relationship. I hate my thinking, I love my thinking, I hate my thinking, I love my thinking, I can’t stop my thinking, I won’t stop my thinking, I should stop my thinking, I need to stop my thinking, I like my thinking, I’m annoyed by my thinking….and on and on.

And then, silence. Noticing that thinking has been happening.

One of the most wonderful tools for a very busy thinking mind, is to offer it INQUIRY.

It seems like that mind just loves a good question. It gives it something to do! It loves giving answers!

If you have a repetitive thought…pause and ask: Is it true, what I am thinking? Is it really, absolutely 100% true? Can I know this is true?

How do I react when I’m thinking?

I lose sight of some of the world around me. I get lost “in thought.” I’m not very happy. I don’t see or hear very well. Sometimes I get furious, or depressed. I get very discouraged. Sometimes I get a rush of adrenaline, I’m anticipating, I’m excited.

If it’s heavy-duty fearful thinking, I can’t sleep well. I’m paranoid, or grief-stricken. Or I want to sleep too much. Or I want to escape and I may have an escapish-behavior. I used to eat!

Who would I be without thinking? If I really couldn’t think anymore, what would that be like?

That’s a wonderful thing to imagine. Sometimes, there’s something a little disconcerting about it. If I didn’t think, I would be a zombie, or a vegetable, or a nincompoop! I’d be rude! I’d be MORE lost than I am when I do think! I’d make terrible decisions! Oh no!

But what if it wasn’t scary? What if we were more efficient, more amazing, more energetic, more clear….without all the thinking?

“To enjoy the world without judgment is what a realized life is like.”~Joko Beck

Considering what lots of thinking has done for me so far, I’m willing to question the truth of it.

In fact, in questioning my thinking, I notice my life has become more calm, more free, more relaxed, more rich, more beautiful than ever before. Every day is quite wonderful.

My thinking is still alive and well, but oh how thrilling to not believe it…every moment I get freedom from beliefs is so much fun!

Maybe I’ve been addicted to thinking, but now, I’m learning what to do with the thoughts. Bring them to inquiry. Ask if they’re true.

And OH BOY…A One Year Program for The Addictive Mind is READY!!

If you’ve been one of the many people who have asked about this one-year program for a small group to work together in support of questioning all the biggest “thoughts” we’ve ever learned that feel stressful…

Go here to read all about it I can’t wait to start in June on a fabulous journey.

“Imagine your house of thoughts standing in the middle of an ocean of light from a trillion stars. Imagine your awareness trapped inside the darkness of that house, struggling daily to live off the artificial light of your limited experiences. Now imagine the walls crumbling down…”~ Michael Singer

Love, Grace

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Tuesday, March 26 – May 14, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In LifeThursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To HeavenWorking With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend.Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.  
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.    

In Person workshops:

  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, April 6, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm  Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  • SIGN UP FOR BOTH SATURDAY MINI RETREATS FOR $125
  • One-Day Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Saturday, June 15, 2013, Thunder Bay, Ontario, CANADA. $175 includes workshop, snacks, wonderful catered lunch. Please click HERE learn more and to register. 
  • Loving Your Body As Is Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

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This Moment Needs To Change

As so many of you already know, I work with people often who have some compulsive behavior(s) they want to quit.

Anyone who has ever had this experience knows it feels very frustrating and frightening. The self-criticism that appears around this is brutal.

The compulsion to Do Something is deep in many humans. It feels overwhelming, almost like there is no choice, like the person engaged in the process is compelled, beyond all reason, to act.

It doesn’t matter if the compulsion is to take drugs, smoke, drink alcohol, take medicine, work, exercise, drink coffee, watch TV, eat ice cream, watch porn, smoke something, play computer games, check your cell phone, go on Facebook, be sexual, gamble, or shop….it all comes from a similar source.

I hate this moment. I MUST do something to change this moment.

It has been one of the most liberating experiences for me in life to look at what I think I hate that drives me to force a change.

  • People are mean, stupid or hurtful
  • Someone abandoned me, I am all alone
  • I need money, pleasure, love, entertainment
  • The world is a dangerous place
  • This is boring
  • I can’t handle this feeling of sadness, anger, grief, or fear
  • Something about me isn’t good enough
  • Life is hard

Every single one of these thoughts can be taken to inquiry. Every one can be examined to find out if they are really 100% true.

The best way that I have found to work with what I am against about life, where I conclude in the flash of a second that this moment is not good, is to slow the whole thing down to sooooo slow that it’s practically at a stand-still (can you hear the slow-motion voice moving like molasses?)

First, why is that moment uncomfortable, bad, annoying, or sad? Make a list (like the one above in bullets).

Then take just one of the thoughts you’ve written and look at it.

Is it true? Can you absolutely know it? Are you positive?

You can see how you react when you believe your thoughts are true. You use some substance or behavior or thinking process to “find relief”. You lash out at other people, or at yourself.

You try to find comfort somewhere, anywhere.

I used to wolf down food when I felt someone was angry with me or disapproved of me. It scared me to death, because I thought they were right. I thought I was inadequate, not good enough. Eat-eat-eat, then starve-starve-starve.

This weekend I decided to not drink coffee and just see what my entertaining little mind would come up with about why it needed the coffee, what coffee was for, and what big disaster would occur if I never drank it again.

I identified what I thought coffee did for me. It’s was a cure for lack of energy and boredom.

Which I don’t actually have, it turns out. I was just anticipating the possibility of not having energy and being bored, or not having enough money. That would be HORRIBLE! OMG!

Who would I be without the thought that coffee helps me push, get pumped up, wake up, turn up the volume, do other activities, work, get things done, and get more energy?

Who would I be without the thought that I need anything to be different in that moment right before the auto-pilot cup of morning coffee?

Free. Not enslaved to “having” to drink it.

Without the thought that life is hard, or boring, or that I can’t handle certain feelings or emotions, or that I need money or love or excitement, or that the world is a dangerous place, or that someone was mean to me, or that I’m not good enough…

This present moment is full, expansive, packed with colors, movement, sound. I am awake. This body feels whatever its feeling and there are no emergencies.

Without these stressful thoughts, the feeling that I need to DO SOMETHING goes away.

No compulsions.

“Suffering is how life tells you that you are resisting or misperceiving what is real and true…Deeper understanding and insight flow forth from a quiet mind.”~Adyashanti

Every time I have ever thought “I need to do _____” some small or large level of suffering has followed.

Now when I stop and inquire, I discover peace and quiet. Nothing lacking.

If I can do it, anyone can. Seriously.

If you’d like to inquire in a group on your biggest fears about life and the world being a dangerous place, come join the Pain, Sickness and Death teleclass that starts Thursday. We’ll meet from 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. All you need is a telephone. All assignments are sent via email. Write me at grace@workwithgrace.com if you want to join or have questions.

Love, Grace

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

Click here to register for the Pain, Sickness and Death Class!

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Tuesday, March 26 – May 14, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In LifeThursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To HeavenWorking With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.     

Quitting Doesn’t Work

The thought to QUIT something is a common and understandable human strategy for managing difficult situations. Since that experience was bad…I’m never going to have it again!! I quit!

  • You want me to do WHAT on this job?! I quit!!
  • Constantly bending over backwards for money? I quit!
  • Uncomfortable with eating, smoking, drinking, using? I quit!
  • Feeling very annoyed or unhappy in this relationship? I quit!
  • Angry, hurt, afraid of “x”? I quit!
  • Despairing with the state of this world, of life? I quit!

In many situations, people decide to take the path of renunciation. It feels easiest, most clear, most precise, perhaps the most powerful.

Renunciates, in many religious traditions, are those who have made vows to give up many things; wealth, possessions, and passion (sexuality). People can often see the benefit in what it would be like to never have lust, longing, desire, wanting.

In both Christian and Buddhist, and many other religious paths, the freedom offered by renunciating the world and our needs in it are considered holy. More spiritual. I can get down to the business of communing with God, Spirit, Source, Universe.

I was very drawn to this approach to problem-solving. Instead of being so frustrated with not getting what I want, I would just quit asking, quit looking for it. I would QUIT WANTING!

Boy, that approach sure didn’t work. I could suppress, smash down, abandon, reject, deny, yield, veto myself, and give up and it would feel 100% forever! Never again will I speak to that person! Never again will I binge-eat!

In a matter of time…the struggle would reappear. I would need more resolve or a bigger will.

When I was 19 I decided I was going to be detached from now on (I quit!) from my past. I was going to be in the present moment. My past did not matter. I was going to stop repeating patterns.

I became fascinated with monks and renunciates, with devotees who stepped away from normal life. I became a Comparative Religion major in college (before I quit!)

In this world but NOT of it! Screw this world!

I packed everything I owned into my car. I went to the dump. I watched like a pure observer as all my school yearbooks, my photo albums, my journals, my favorite books, most of my clothes, my special childhood toys, my keepsakes fell from my hands into the enormous and deep hole that would then be trucked off into the garbage pits.

A grand purge of anything from my past history. Ready to start fresh and new.

Unfortunately, to my deepest despair, I found that it did not work. Just like diets, berating myself, being harsh, hating myself, or making plans to “get rid” of things. Rats.

There had to be another way.

I began to realize, even back then before I had encountered Byron Katie, that inquiry actually comes alive in all of us, in whatever way it can—-it is waiting. The mind begins to question itself. It wonders. It asks. It believes. It repeats itself, it is very persistent.

So I stopped renunciating, I stopped quitting. I stopped all “New Years Resolutions”. I stopped big grand sweeping Rejections. Only because they didn’t ever seem to work. They didn’t actually feel good, and I couldn’t stick with them.

It is such a strange and great paradox, because even though I quit quitting…I knew that I could live lovingly and peacefully, without the pain of wanting something to be different. I just KNEW it was possible.

It may seem counter-intuitive, a little crazy perhaps, somewhat confusing….but the way beyond “quitting” is to study the very thing I want to quit.

I open to this situation and allow it to be here. In fact, I know that since this situation brings up a lot of feelings, and thoughts, it is full of teaching. It is full of the possibility of discovery, of enlightenment.

So that thing, that person, that behavior, those thoughts, those feelings, that job, that relationship, that substance that you imagine “quitting”….write them down. Write down everything you hate about it and love about it. Use the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Then begin to inquire. Study and investigate your most painful thoughts and feelings. It’s like taking inventory (this is done in the 12 Step programs). Don’t quit it! Study it all!

Here is the amazing thing that can come from this simple process: The things that you wanted to quit? They will quit you.

Ram Tzu knows this…

You are perfect.
Your every defect
Is perfectly defined.
Your every blemish
Is perfectly placed.
Your every absurd action
Is perfectly timed.
Only God could make
Something this ridiculous
Work.
Ram Tzu , NO WAY for the Spiritually “Advanced”

Love, Grace