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This is the only time you suffer. Amazing.

There’s a little more than a whole month before registration for Year of Inquiry closes (August 31). Summer Camp for The Mind is still underway, and quite a few people won’t officially sign up until Summer Camp ends on August 18th. Space is limited, but I’m not over half full yet, so for those of you nervous about it filling before August 31st, you’ve got time. (I’ll send out a message if it looks like YOI will fill before August 31).

Speaking of deadlines.

I was working with a lovely inquirer the other day who wanted to know if signing up for Year of Inquiry would help her finish a huge creative project.

Will it help me reach success?

Ha ha!

I have no idea about that.

She laughed, too.

She’s done The Work enough to know, this isn’t about trying to get somewhere down the road, into a future place where we’re successful, making money, happy, in a good relationship, forgiving towards everyone, living the dream (whatever that is) or enlightened.

It’s a weird paradoxical thing, because those who will embark on a one year program together will apparently share many months and time watching webinars, posting and sharing insights or questions on our private secret forum, calling in to do The Work together, trading sessions one-on-one in The Work with each other, and joining together for retreats (those who can travel to Seattle area).

It’s a deep, regular return to self-inquiry, with others, with ourselves.

There’ll be a whole lotta inquiry going on.

The paradoxical thing about it is….when I hear of others doing inquiry over time, when I notice my own practice over time, I actually DO see change. Sometimes significant, astonishing change.

For myself, the “success” I feel in a creative way is enormous. When I have an idea or vision to invent or put together something, or a thought about including or moving towards something, it feels as if things move that way very easily. So although I have no idea about goals and striving and milestones….life sure does seem simpler and easier and quite amazing with inquiry at the wheel.

What I’d recommend first, if you have ideas about what you’ll achieve with anything, including Year of Inquiry, is to question anything stressful that appears to get between you and moving towards that lovely thing you’re envisioning.

Who knows what can happen.

Most important about Year of Inquiry is that it provides a structure for a way of life that includes The Work. Regularly. With other people. Sharing. Questioning your stress and suffering.

What could be better than this kind of intimacy?

All I know is, as I practice The Work, my thinking becomes lighter, and so does life. Things I thought were drastic and awful….just don’t seem that way anymore.

“The only time you suffer is when you believe a thought that argues with reality. You are the cause of your own suffering–but only all of it.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Now don’t take that personally. YOU are not the bad seed, the ONE who is a blight on living. It’s actually very, very good news that your thinking is the cause of all your suffering.

Because then, all I need for the greatest “success” is to question what I think is not success.

Who would I be without my story?

 

Starting another Year of Inquiry. LOL!

Much love,

Grace

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The Work of Byron Katie on Personal Shame. Begin.

Feeling ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, disgusted with yourself is one of the worst feelings ever.

If you’re like me at all, I used to want to hide in a closet and never come out if I felt embarrassed about something I said or did.

I ate. Or smoked. Or went to movies to take my mind off myself doing that embarrassing thing, or acting that dumb way, or making that stupid mistake. I’d call myself an idiot.

I wanted to leave town and never show my face again.

If someone triggered me into an experience of feeling shame, I might also have thoughts like “that person is so mean, rude, controlling, nasty, immature, etc,” and judge the heck out of them.

They MADE me feel so bad!

Up until a few years ago, if I felt confronted by someone about a thing I said or did that they didn’t like, I might go overboard to fix it, make it so they didn’t think poorly of me, and then hope it was never mentioned again. It was like I couldn’t relax until I knew they liked me.

If I felt like someone had a poor image of me, I stopped answering their phone calls or efforts to get together. Too dangerous.

It’s powerful to look at what you’re thinking, and believing, when you feel ashamed.

I once had a friend say I wasn’t helping out enough around the meal clean up.

Instant shame.

My impulse was to rush to the kitchen and start frantically cleaning everything in sight. I actually DID jump up and move. It never occurred to me for a second to say my back hurt and I was stretching, so I’m opting out.

OMG! I could never say that! (It almost feels weird to write it even now, years later! Who cares about your hurt back, just suck it up and pitch in…..right?!)

What was really going on in the moment someone confronted me, or had a request, or criticized me….were thoughts almost entirely about my ego being bruised, my identity of Good Person being shattered.

  • She should think I’m awesome. At all times.
  • No one should ever be hurt by something I do or say.
  • I must be perceived as caring, thoughtful and kind.
  • People should all love me (and they don’t).
  • It’s not safe to have people dislike you–they can hurt you, cut you off, ditch you, and stab you in the back

One thing I noticed about these underlying fears were….

….they weren’t really about SHAME!

Shame was the reaction. Shame was what happened when I believed someone didn’t like me. Like a weird motivator of violence against myself so I’d fix me.

I was actually terrified out of my skull if someone moved away from me, thought critically of me, didn’t like something I said or did.

I was terrified because I thought I should be perfect and perfect meant never disturbing anyone else, ever. Maybe if they knew everything about me, they WOULD be disturbed. So I have to keep a lid on it.

Now….you can take this even farther by wondering if there’s anyone early in your life who you worried about their view of you?

My parents instantly come to mind, and today, my father.

He was very proper, upstanding, charitable, kind, not at all aggressive, thoughtful, and caring. He only showed anger once a year. He was very faithful in the church, and devoted. He was someone who in my eyes, and in the eyes of many, did the “right” thing. He never put his foot in his mouth, or bothered anyone, it seemed. He was a beloved professor to many students.

But somehow, it was clear that he also had very high standards. He disapproved of quite a few behaviors, and spoke of people he didn’t respect.

Just listening to his words, I vowed to make sure I would never be someone who he could talk about like this. I wanted him to love me all the time, and never be critical.

There’s RIGHT and there’s WRONG. I believed it.

Do you have someone who if they didn’t approve of you, you’d feel absolutely terrible? Has that actually happened?

Even if it hasn’t happened, you can hold that upstanding person in your mind, and notice the fear that enters if you think they MIGHT disapprove of you, or they are disapproving of someone else.

If you’ve done something that if THEY knew you did it, they’d reject you….you can imagine them finding out, and do The Work from this horrifying prospect: someone you care about very much KNOWS what you did, and they disapprove.

Let’s do The Work!

Is it true you need their approval? Is it true that because of the way it went in that situation, you are a bad person? Is it true you must always be perceived as generous, kind, patient, or good in some other way? Is it true you must never, ever, ever hurt anyone’s feelings, and if you do–FIX IT–or hide it forever?

Sigh.

It’s a lot of pressure.

I can’t really know it’s true. It’s hard to be good in everyone’s eyes. It’s hard to TRY to be perfect, to WORK at doing the right thing.

It’s exhausting, actually.

How I react, when I believe I need to be perceived as safe, good, and loving and “work” at it….is I don’t speak the truth, I’m very careful with most humans (especially anyone who reminds me of my dad) and I worry if someone doesn’t express praise, or approval, or doesn’t give me a nod or smile.

Holy Smokes. So stressful.

Who would you be without the belief you have to be good, right, upstanding, clear, loving, and not ever do anything that would disturb someone?

Wait. Really?

Are you sure it’s OK not to work at being the best possible person in the entire world that I could be (and this equals never bothering anyone)?

Yes.

Because it just doesn’t seem natural to have to work, and get all twisted in a pretzel to make sure you look acceptable, and accepting.

Who would you be without this stressful story that you need to be seen as upstanding, positive, healthy, nice, kind…whatever your words are that you worry about NOT being?

Who would you be without the belief you need to be approved of, by THAT person (you know the one)?

How could it be a good thing that someone hasn’t found you ideal, or perfect? How could it be of benefit that someone said “no” or “you did it wrong!”

Whew. I almost have no idea.

I’ve been operating as if this is a given for so many years, I can’t imagine feeling entirely free to be myself, naturally me, without shame or judgment.

And then….

….I feel it. Just a wee bit. Who I’d be, What I’d be, without the thought.

It’s so light. It’s exciting. Magnificent even.

Without the belief I shouldn’t impose on anyone, or be disapproved of, or be perceived as unloving….

….I am very happy suddenly. Like it’s just completely 100% OK to be whatever this is. Responding, being, connecting, disconnecting. Being a human. Not expecting myself to be more, or other than, human.

Turning the underlying thoughts around:

  • She should think I’m human, capable of foibles. At all times.
  • People should be hurt by something I do or say, when they are.
  • I must NOT be perceived as caring, thoughtful and kind.
  • People shouldn’t all love me (and they do–hee hee).
  • It’s not safe to have people like you (how interesting!)–they can hurt you, cut you off, ditch you, and stab you in the back. And, they can heal you, open you up, set you free, wake you up.

These turnarounds feel so much lighter, so much more true than the original stressful thoughts.

They are worth sitting with slowly, deliberately, and finding your own answers one by one.

“You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.”

~ Mary Oliver from the poem Wild Geese

For more sharing on shame and working with this stressful experience, listen to Peace Talk Podcast Episode 133 right HERE.

f you feel shame about something, my number one suggestion?

Pick only one moment where you believe you did it wrong, or you ARE wrong.

Write a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on that moment. Write down all your beliefs (it’s OK to hide it somewhere, so no one can find it and read it). Write down what you think the WORST thing is that could happen if the whole world was aware of this about you.

Then begin to inquire.

“Your separation from God has ripened. 

Now fall like a golden fruit 

Into my hand. 

All your wounds from craving love

Exist because of heroic deeds.

Now trade in those medals;

That courage will help this world.”

~ Hafiz, from the Poem Trying To Wear Pants

Much love,

Grace

P.S. My hands are clapping with the inquirers signing up for Year of Inquiry. If there’s any way to explore and dissolve shame, its with steady self-inquiry using The Work in the presence of other people.

I find no other way so helpful. Read about YOI HERE and scroll all the way down for fees, how the program works, and the schedule. People in Institute for The Work receive credit worth one full School for The Work plus 80 credits of one-to-one partnering. Join us. Your courage will help this world. At least, that’s my story.

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Feel bad, in a fog, and not sure why? Burn through, like this.

Do you ever have the thought that you’re not even sure what you’re upset about, or worried about, or anxious about, or sad about….

….you just know you feel troubled, bad, uncomfortable?

How do you do The Work if you can’t really come up with a belief to write down or investigate?

I have two ideas you might find super helpful today, if you’ve had this experience. One involves a little data collection, one just takes you into inquiry right now.

The thing about the data collection option, is people (OK, this would be me) might say UGGGGH. I can’t wait a second longer! I hate looking, wondering, collecting. Plus the word “data” reminds me of white coats and cold surfaces.

So I’ll give you the Go-Directly-To-Inquiry suggestion first.

Sit still for a few minutes. Maybe only one. Get a pen and paper or your computer and write “I have no reason to feel bad” or “I need to know what my thoughts are right now” or “This is too hard” or “Something disturbing is happening.”

Those are the kinds of thoughts I had when I felt foggy, confused, and not able to see what specifically bothered me about being alive in that particular moment.

You can actually then take your thought through the four questions.

If you’re inspired and you don’t believe you have to know anything more than you do, you might even be able to write a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, even if it feels repetitive and not super deep or like a pile of troubled thoughts just hanging out in the atmosphere, weighing you down.

It’s still a place to start, and maybe more powerful than you realize. You’ll probably discover a thing or two in the inquiry process.

The second suggestion….the “data” one (just pretend the word is a nice, calm, soft word for a moment)….goes like this:

Get a little baby notebook, the kind that’s pocket sized and thin. Or a notepad. Or one piece of paper, that can fold and stuff into your pocket. Carry it around with you all day long and when you feel a surge of emotion, or notice something you don’t like, write down what you’re thinking, even if it doesn’t make logical sense.

Notice especially what you Do Not Like. If you don’t like a picture or image that crosses your mind, write it down. If you don’t like someone’s appearance, or their shirt color, or the street, or the dirty dishes in the sink, write it down.

I don’t like the weather. I don’t like my hair. I don’t like the pain in my back. I don’t like her shoes. I don’t like my dirty car. I don’t like the way I told my dad’s death story to the listening group–I went on too long. I don’t like her sarcastic text last summer. I don’t like moving away from Kansas.

It’s a running tally.

And by the way, my family moved away from Kansas in 1969, so what pops into your head that you don’t like might be really, really old.

Pop.

It’ll just be there.

No need to explain anything, this is a list for YOU alone.

No pressure to start inquiring immediately, just an exercise in noticing.

You might be very, very surprised at what comes to the surface, if you’re being a neutral researcher, collecting a bit of data about this working mind.

And voila.

Stressful stories tend to appear, the more relaxed you become about allowing them to be seen.

When I had a really rough relationship underway (apparently) I did this data collection with the man I was supposedly dating at the time. My “thought catcher” notebook was green, and in my purse or bag at all times. If I had a thought that had anything at all to do with the man in question, I’d write it down. I’d see the picture, and note the scene.

“Moment he said ‘x’ at the horse race” or “Words he muttered about his neighbors when we were sitting in his back yard” or “the way he put his arm around me possessively during dinner at Brad’s house”.

Here’s one of the best things I noticed about this data collection notebook.

As I kept it over many weeks (months) I would review what I had written before. Some moments or situations I did The Work on, but some went flitting by, and I actually forgot about them, even though they were pretty stressful….and even though I wrote them down.

I would read, and think….WOW. That’s right! He said ‘x’ and I ignored it. He did ‘y’ after I asked him something and I didn’t ask him to elaborate at all. He asked me ‘z’ and I laughed, instead of being honest about my fear of the question.

My own desire to go unconscious and NOT think about my stressful thoughts was evident, right in the notebook.

I kept doing The Work….kept returning to the issues without being so judgmental towards myself that I’m repeating the same thing over and over.

Everything became clearer, and clearer, and clearer, until the relationship became easy, not hard. I said “no” honestly, and “yes” honestly, and it naturally unfolded the way it needed to.

The thing about tracking and continuing to look, even if you don’t always want to….

….is insight and awareness begins to blossom and flower.

I had a lot of practice in trying to cut my thoughts down as if they were weeds, or leave the yard entirely, or hate the field because it was just so scary how fast it grew.

So it took some alternate kind of energy, a non-violent sort of open, kind approach to this mind, that whatever it was doing was the best it could, and worth taking a look at.

The more I could consider taking a look at the voices or pictures in this head as it moved through the day, the easier it became. Logging, noticing, writing it down without so much judgment, without such quick judgment of the content.

If you find it difficult to do this….you are not alone.

I STILL have the thought sometimes that sounds like…..”do I HAVE TO look at this? Seriously? Can’t we just party, instead?” Meaning, eat, drink, smoke, distract.

Believe me. If that worked, I’d probably be doing it. I’d still be thinking that identifying my thoughts and questioning them was the hardest way, and eating or blacking out was the easy way.

It’s the opposite.

If you need help along the way, to keep going, then you might be seriously considering Year of Inquiry starting September 5th. I’m getting a ton of questions about it. Registration will officially close August 31st. Everyone enrolling will make a solo appointment with me right away that fits with your schedule. You’ll have two months to decide (until November 1st, 2017) if it’s right for you and if it isn’t, for any reason, you can withdraw. Full payment, and also payment plans for 12 months, are available.

All I can say is, I myself wouldn’t have done The Work without regular, committed, connected time with others in a group or at least one person to partner with regularly, without stopping, keeping steady at it just like any Olympic athlete might be training.

I know there is no competition really, this isn’t a contest or an attempt to “win”. But in this world of humanity, if you aren’t training and coaching and doing your daily practice with the fun of the huge upcoming Olympics in mind, there will definitely be no participation in the field at all.

Left to my own devices, all I was doing was floundering through a murky forest of thought and beliefs that were incredibly stressful.

Connecting with others brought such insight, sharing, lowering of fear, intimacy and awareness, I am forever grateful for each and every person willing to do The Work with me along the way.

I definitely couldn’t have done it without you.

And I’m grateful also for every person who has ever bugged me, because I couldn’t find this power of love and truth without them, either.

If you’re wanting to commit to steady ongoing practice with other beautiful inquirers, Year of Inquiry might be the perfect way. You can read about Year of Inquiry HERE and scroll down for logistical details like the schedule, fees, and the monthly topics. People in Institute for The Work receive credit worth one full School for The Work plus 80 credits of one-to-one partnering.

“These four questions will join any program you’ve got and enhance it. Any religion you have — they’ll enhance it. If you have no religion, they will bring you joy. And they’ll burn up anything that isn’t true for you. They’ll burn through to the reality that has always been waiting.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Let me know how your data collection goes, or if you have questions. You can do this.

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Eating Peace: Are you more afraid of hunger than you realize?

Have you ever really considered how you feel about hunger?

Noticing the conflict within of fighting hunger, being torn about it, having thoughts and beliefs about it, can offer incredible insights.

Maybe you feel determined to overcome your hunger, or conquer or override your hunger urges. This is usually a diet mentality approach. When I was on a diet, I was furiously controlling my hunger, or any signs of hunger. Doing anything I could to take up arms against hunger and learn tricks to manage hunger without giving into it….eating….took huge amounts of energy.

When I supposedly “won” over hunger, I felt good. I felt like I WAS good. I was being good.

When talking about hunger and eating, other people I knew who were interested in losing weight or not responding to their own hunger would call eating outside of the diet plan “cheating”. Like we’re playing some kind of strange game called Control Yourself Forever when it comes to food.

I felt like hunger was a “problem”.

For me, this meant also that submitting to hunger was a problem. Giving in to the urge to eat was like failing.

Others might feel like giving in to hunger is the only option, they’ll say “screw it!” and eat rebelliously. (I did this one, too).

But what if you really looked at what you’re believing and thinking about hunger that brings fear, sorrow, guilt, or violence into your mind?

I found, when I wrote down how and what I felt about hunger, very very honestly, I understood why I was so upset about it.

When you write it down, you can take what you write to inquiry using The Work of Byron Katie: the four questions and turnarounds that offer such wonderful insight into your exploration of your inner world.

Today I’m sharing thoughts about being hungry, and how to question them. If you do this, you may find a lightness about the flow of eating you never imagined possible.

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The stress of trying to get rid of your thoughts….can be deadly

Year of Inquiry is now taking registrations for 2017-2018. Read all about it HERE and scroll down for logistical details like the schedule, fees, and the monthly topics. We begin Sept 5th. It’s OK to think about it a bit. It’s a big commitment, worth pondering. I usually take registrations until August 30th. If it looks like it will fill before then, I’ll let you know.

For the first time ever, Institute for The Work candidates training to be certified in The Work can earn an entire School for The Work plus 80 credits more by completing the YOI Program.

Everyone in Year of Inquiry ends the year with two months of Summer Camp for The Mind, underway right now.

And what a great call just yesterday, where we heard about a situation some might call tragic.

Someone close to us dies, unexpectedly, from a drug overdose.

Death sometimes seems like the worst case scenario–not always, not hands-down The Worst–but often with death or thinking of death, we feel the pain of loss, the finality, the sadness, the quick in-breath.

Our minds start dancing about, running to find whose fault it is or answer the question about why it occurred. Who contributed? Could someone have stopped it? How did this happen?

Recently I’ve received a few email letters from folks who don’t feel like living, who can’t stand living with a mind that’s dark, destructive, violent, or depressive. They just want to get out of the anxiety, get away from thoughts that hurt.

I don’t blame them for a second.

Having a mind that’s yelling at you is very tough. People report feeling almost traumatized by their own mind.

One thing I know that helps, when it comes to inquiry?

Questioning this thought: I hate my mind. It has to stop. I have to shut it down.

These are the kinds of thoughts I used to have all the time that prompted binge-eating, or drinking, or smoking, or obsessing about one problem or topic without being able to put it down, ever.

I imagine it’s what someone was thinking, in part, that would want to use heroin, or a drug to the point of overdosing on it.

So let’s inquire. Because almost everyone has had these kinds of thoughts about disliking their own mental process. They may not decide they want to die, but they still have thoughts like “I’m a mess, I should be different, I hate how I am, how I think.”

Is it true your mind has to stop, you have to shut it down or change it, you need to quit having the thoughts you do?

What? Of course it’s true!

It’s why I’m doing The Work.

Right?

Pause. Wait.

Can you absolutely know it’s true you have to change your thinking, quit thinking that way, get away from your thoughts, shut them down?

Um. It’s weird, but I can’t say “yes, it’s absolutely true.”

I notice people think thoughts that are terrifying, depressing, enraged, desperate, confusing, sad. I’ve thought a lot of them. Probably billions of them.

It seems that in reality, the way of it, people think difficult thoughts.

My difficult thoughts, actually, have been what has pointed to the places I most need to look. The places I felt most traumatized, ashamed of, where my beliefs were the most stressful.

So it can’t be absolutely true that I shouldn’t, or they shouldn’t, think stressful thoughts.

How do you react when you believe you MUST change your thinking, end it, remove it, delete it, get away from it?

The way I reacted is I felt worse. I read books. I signed up for programs to help. I ate. I went to a movie. I felt horrible. I didn’t talk with anyone. I isolated myself. I withdrew from people, not wanting to be around them or connect with them. I drank. I attacked my own mind very viciously, with words. I moved on to the next program. I felt bad. My feelings were wild, intense, frightening, just like my thoughts about how much I hated my thoughts.

So who would I be without this thought that my mind is my enemy, it’s thinking the wrong way, it needs to stop, it needs to change, NOW?

Weird.

But a strange sense of excitement, even a very soft “wow” begins to arise.

You mean, this battling mind so full of dark thoughts and mean, nasty words, and brutal attacks towards itself….wasn’t my enemy?

Didn’t need to be shut down with force?

I notice, without the thought that my thoughts are terrible and need to be changed….

….this present moment suddenly becomes lighter.

Looking at the past, it also seems lighter. Like a long, unusual journey through brambles, storms, dangerous seas….but also sunny weather, lazy days, moving connections, insights.

I don’t need to seek anything that’s missing, or DO something to eliminate or make change….without the thought my mind needs to be fixed, changed, shut down, hated.

Without any thought that I must fight and kill the mind, I don’t actually have any interest in getting in gear for a war.

I might listen to what it’s saying instead.

Oh. Wow.

Turning the concepts around: I love my mind. It has to keep going. I have to open it up. I shouldn’t be different, I accept how I am, how I think.

These feel so much more gentle. Could they be just as true, or truer? What are examples?

Well, the thoughts I have, even if violent and aggravating or scary, are telling me important things about how I’m viewing the world.

They’re telling me I’m upset about a thing or two. They’re reminding me…Re-Minding me…what to look at much more closely, for understanding and awareness. They actually help my mind rejoin itself and come back together.

Sure, it doesn’t feel that great to have a mind full of trauma, pictures, worries, criticism, judgment. But it’s doing what it can do to get my attention!

I want to look and to know. It’s actually pretty amazing to go back, and to look, at events and situations that overwhelmed me and freaked me out, especially to look with inquiry and investigation at a deep level.

I’d rather not bypass, come to think of it. It never worked to eat my head off (I love that phrase, doesn’t it just say the perfect reason for eating I had at the time? Eating my head OFF). It never worked to try to shut the thinking down, or enforce change in my mind, or chant lots of affirmations.

Every time there’s a battle, I lose. Even if I’m at war with my own thoughts.

Byron Katie says from time to time: “We either believe our thoughts, or we question them. There’s no other choice.”

I keep discovering, there isn’t any other choice. Part of me would like there to be (OK, not really). Isn’t there a short cut somewhere? Can’t it just stop? You mean my choices really are A) Believe or B) Question. Can’t I do something else?

No.

I am not in charge.

Not even of this thinking.

I am not in charge of discovering self-inquiry either….I backed into it and kept following it because I noticed when I believed all those swirling wild uncomfortable troubling thoughts, I suffered and wanted to shut down the suffering with force.

When I questioned those troubling thoughts, they seemed to turn into laughter. Trust. Love. Even joy.

The inquiry offered wisdom, and making things very simple: questioning just one concept at a time.

“I don’t let go of my concepts–I meet them with understanding. Then they let go of me.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Much love, Grace

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Trusting everyone, even the betrayers. Especially the betrayers.

Such fantastic moments are being shared by Summer Camp for The Mind inquirers. Powerful, stressful, intense moments with other humans, with the body, with a loved one, with a stranger, with a job.

I get sooooo inspired by everyone’s process, by hearing inquiry. It’s amazing how this work is so freeing and wise by simply listening to the answers of people who are DOING The Work.

OK, I’ll stop ranting and raving about how excited I am. Let’s look at a thought I was reminded of in someone’s inquiry:

He betrayed me.

You might use “she” or you might use “God” or you might use “it” (the body betrayed me, or ‘money’ betrayed me, or this job betrayed me).

The thing about betrayal is you feel tricked, fooled. Like you thought one thing, and then….

….the wonderful thing you expected didn’t happen, or something really BAD happened and it was a massive surprise.

The etymology of the word “betrayal” is from the Latin “to hand over” or “to unintentionally show true character”. Nothing so harsh in these words. But it later began to mean “to expose to the enemy” or “mislead, deceive, delude”.

Like being led in the wrong direction, made vulnerable to pain, or hurt.

This is an incredible thing to question, the deep belief that because someone “betrayed” me, I am exposed to hurt….and more hurt.

I made a short list of people who I believed betrayed me, in any way at all.

A very close friend, a sister, a romantic interest, a co-worker, the rose bush stump in our back yard that I stepped on at age seven.

THEY BETRAYED ME!

I realized, I DID believe the definition given in the dictionary, the etymology of the word. I believed these people surprised me unexpectedly with exposure to pain, loss, hurt, rejection.

Is it true they plopped me or thrust me into a world of pain, loss, hurt or rejection?

Hmmm.

YES.

Can I absolutely know this is true that the thing I’m looking at, the person, the incident….was a betrayal? Or permanently damaging? Or 100% hurt 24/7 for my entire life in all ways?

No.

Even if I’m injured and I’ll never have the same body again….I notice without injury I’ll never have the same body again, too (it’s always changing and will eventually die). Even if I’m feeling hurt about what a person is doing or did, my life continues and who am I to say it’s worse, or “bad” because of the way it’s going?

Who would I be without the story of betrayal, or hurt?

Right now. Here in this moment. What if I forgot, or couldn’t think “HE BETRAYED ME” in any way whatsoever.

Without the thought, I look around the room and out the french doors of the cottage, and see a wild bunny nibbling on something in the grass. I hear the washing machine start to spin. I see an invisible silent breeze flutter through the cherry tree leaves. I hear a small airplane overhead. I have infinite possibilities of pictures in my head about the world….imagination. Events I remember, wonderings about things to come.

Holding it all in HERE, Now.

No way to conclude in any kind of finality “I was hurt” when I thought I was.

What if I turned the thought around?

He healed me. He did not betray me. 

Can I find examples?

I have found them for every single one of the incidents, experiences, situations, events that I considered betrayals. Good things came from them all:

  • I was cast free from the current trajectory of my life in relationship, and got to completely reset the course. I got to learn about relationship with me, and make that the primary love of my life. Ahhhhhh. Isn’t that what I MOST wanted?
  • My business grew and improved to heights I didn’t imagine were possible. I found out legally I could be of service in ways I didn’t realize. I felt more confident and clear.
  • I was given the perfect opportunity to question my thinking at an extremely deep level, which is all I ever really truly wanted. Enlightenment about life and the world, and to see the safety and support around me.
  • I never forgot that beautiful little backyard where my family lived for only a year where my foot collided with a trimmed rose bush, and I was in bed for a week with the mumps. The awareness of temporarily being here on planet earth, in a body that can be “hurt”. Seeing this clearly at age seven, feeling gratitude for watching the abilities to walk come, and go, and come again.
  • Noticing that with absolutely no money to my name (or very, very little) I survived. Very well, actually. Without money being required for happiness. What an incredible lesson to learn.
Turning it around again:

 

I betrayed him, them, her. I betrayed myself.
 
Wow. I’m afraid I DID betray them, it, him, her. I raged at them in my mind. I opposed them, criticized them, tore them apart internally, withdrew, dismissed them. Stayed mad. Talked to other people about them or it. Talked piteously about myself and how I was done wrong.

 

I betrayed myself by taking the situation so personally, so seriously. By not opening my heart and mind up to relaxing, and choosing NOT to fight with the circumstances. I felt guilty. I said mean things to myself. I considered myself worthy of being betrayed and looked for my fault and how I asked for it. I saw myself as a tiny nothing, treated badly….a victim.

 

What I know about the betrayal moments now, are that they all brought on massive learning, and a willingness to surrender, accept, trust. They broke my heart….and a broken heart can be broken wide open, and expand three sizes just like the Grinch Who Stole Christmas. Or three hundred.

 

Would I take any of those betrayal moments away?

 

No.

 

Because if I did, if I could, I’m pretty sure I’d be missing something. Something great and vast and mysterious and unexplainable.

 

Now we wouldn’t want that, would we.

 

“I trust everyone. I trust everyone to do what they do, and I’m never disappointed. And since I trust people, I know to let them find their own way.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Year of Inquiry is officially taking registrations for 2017-2018. Read all about it HERE. It’s the most wonderful adventure. ITW candidates can earn credit work an entire School for The Work plus 80 credits more.

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Faster than the speed of light; it’s a bird, it’s a plane…it’s a thought!

During the Being With Byron Katie Silent Retreat the actual sessions with Katie and audience were not, of course, so silent.

Hands were raised, incredible questions asked, wisdom shared, and the brilliant dialogues and people doing The Work with Katie, so inspiring.

It also wasn’t so silent in the head.

Yaketty yaketty yak.

The mind works so fast, it’s chattering and talking and making it’s opinion known so quickly, you can’t even hear the words.

The imagery that arises in the mind, the words, the sensations….

….they all seem to travel at 120 miles per hour. Or 200 kilometers.

Faster than the speed of light, it’s a bird, it’s a plane….it’s a THOUGHT!

And the thought acts like Superman, too.

This is true, real and great and powerful. Be afraid.

After the very first day of the retreat, I suddenly became aware that I had been chattering about several big things in my life, without even stopping to question them, for months.

It was like the brakes went on, screeching to a huge halt.

Katie asked everyone to consider moments in their lives when they believed they were not OK. Make a list.

Who would I be without any of those stressful thoughts about moments when I supposedly wasn’t OK?

 

Here’s one thing I noticed. And when it occurred to me, I just shook my head and almost started laughing out loud.

 

Most of the stressful times when I thought I really wasn’t OK, when I was scared….this is a little embarrassing….

 

….I was sitting on my couch, alone in my cute little cottage living room.

 

Here’s me reading a text saying she’s through with the family.

 

Here’s me reading a letter I just opened in the mail from the Department of Health.

 

Here’s me reading an email from an old flame saying he’s coming over. Now.

 

Here’s me reading my bank statement which says $10.16 and I have a mortgage bill of $1800 due in two days.

 

I mean. It’s just soooo obvious that the stress came from inside my creative head, not from actual reality. It was all future anticipation of what horrible thing might happen in an hour, or a week, or a couple of months.

 

None of those things I pictured ever happened. Not one.

 

Wow.

 

And the rest of the retreat only went up from there.

 

A stunning reminder of the power of the incredible question: is it true?

 

“You move totally away from reality when you believe that there is a legitimate reason to suffer.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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When the student is ready…the story will appear. Or so it seems for me, today.

 

For two days, my primary focus has been sitting with Byron Katie (as she is streamed via video from Switzerland) and a beautiful group of people sharing complete silence together in between all the sessions.

This may sound a little funny….like not that exciting, or perhaps even difficult (I’ve been on very difficult silent retreats before when my mind was very active), or maybe weird that it’s all on video so how could this be “real”.

But oh my.

Am I ever glad I have done this for 3 years in a row, even though this year my venue went away last minute, I had to grab something site-unseen and I thought it wasn’t going to be so nice being in the city center (one of my thoughts) and I thought I was going to “lose” money, blah blah blah.

None of that logistical, financial or detail stuff matters at all, in comparison to the beauty of questioning stressful stories, hearing Katie answer peoples’ questions, hearing the incredible work the people in Switzerland are doing.

Here’s one thing I know.

I would not sit still like this, with 3 hours of silence in between sessions (just like the folks in Switzerland). I wouldn’t take the morning walk in silence where we all intentionally walk together in walking meditation. I wouldn’t write out my own thoughts, taking note, doing The Work with people in between sessions if they’re really upset or confused. I just wouldn’t give myself that (this is also a story, I realize).

The way I’d do it on my own is to watch it in segments, get up, walk away, pause the video, do laundry, answer emails, answer the phone, NOT write worksheets or contemplate the astonishing concepts people bring forward on my own.

People in the retreat in Switzerland have done worksheets on death, extreme violence at the hand of a parent, the meat industry, needing the love of a partner, wanting mother to be different. Their situations are so beautiful, and amazing, and such teaching for those of us who listen.

One of the participants did The Work on life today. What a big wide-open concept. She was worried, actually terrorized, that life was dangerous or something terrible could happen.

Katie asked us all, during a 3 hour silent break, to think about any times in our lives when we were not OK, and to write them down.

When was I not OK?

Part of me was thinking I know I’m OK….I’m completely OK so far.

Yet, I still had visions and pictures of the times appearing in my mind, even though I’ve done The Work on major aspects of these situations.

I had fun writing them anyway.

  • When I lost all my money and couldn’t pay the mortgage
  • When my former husband said he didn’t want to be married anymore
  • When my sister cut me off
  • When one of my best friends betrayed me by reporting me to the Department of Health for a completely false reason
  • When I tore my right hamstring off my right pelvic bone
  • When I learned I had cancer–a sarcoma tumor on my thigh
  • When I learned my dad was dying of leukemia many years ago

The thing is….I’ve found great peace by doing The Work on all these things. I’ve even found that I’d welcome them happening again (almost) because of the learning, the total OK-ness, that resulted.

I wanted to go back further, though.

I wanted to follow Katie’s invitation to write about Father-Mother-Sister-Brother from the distant past. The things that happened where original beliefs were born.

Like the first betrayal, the first awareness that I would die, the first awareness that my mom or dad would die, the first time I hurt myself physically, the first fight with a sister, the first sadness with a best friend.

I just couldn’t get into it.

Too old. Too far away. Not possible. I don’t feel upset, and I can’t even remember it anymore.

Then. Something happened.

I decided to walk during the 3 hour break. I felt a huge draw to move through the neighborhood of this darling house we were calling our Being-With-Byron-Katie-Silent-Retreat house.

I walked past a Open House for sale, only a few blocks from our retreat. I suddenly realized, I’ve been here before. I broke silence for a moment when the real estate agent approached me in the very quiet house. I said I grew up near here and pointed out the window across the water to another neighborhood about a mile away.

She whipped out her phone and looked up my high school sweetheart’s name in association with the houses on the street.

He lived two houses away. This house was one of his friends’ house. My friend Isabel lived 5 houses away. My friend Sarah lived 8 houses away.

I left the Open House and walked twenty feet to the front of my high school sweetheart’s house. I suddenly remembered walking up the hill to visit him. I remembered walking up the same hill to visit my friend Sarah in sixth grade.

I followed my same path I took many times back to the family home I grew up in, and took a photo.

Everything was coming back to me, like a huge early saga of a movie. I felt nostalgic, and sad, and full of longing, and love, and amazement that here I was, my future 56 year old self, visiting from the future….which was the NOW. None of those nostalgic or sad emotions filled me, they were in the background. They weren’t ALL of me, like so many stories have been.

I mostly felt….gratitude.

There’s the house of Mr. Glass who my dad liked so much, there’s the short-cut up from the play field, here’s the little grocery store where it was such a big deal to walk down the street and get an ice cream bar or some kind of treat, here’s the elementary school, here’s the street where I learned to drive and cars can’t even use it anymore–it’s exclusively closed for walking, there’s one of my best friend’s house where I got served pancakes by his kind mom Mrs. Miller who was also super nice when my dad died.

How lucky can one person be?

To be shown this visit, so that I remember some other times I thought I was not OK that were early. Boyfriend breaking up with me. Sarah moving to White Plains, New York. Fighting with my sister and throwing her clothes out of the window. Mom getting breast cancer. My skin color dividing me from others. Feeling fat.

I can go there.

I can do this work.

I can remember, on purpose.

Byron Katie said to us yesterday (I’m paraphrasing so I can’t put quotes around this one): I’m asking you to go to Hell. I know this is not a little thing. But there are four questions you can take with you. Don’t go, in fact, unless you take the four questions. But in Hell, with these questions….peace becomes possible.

Anything is possible.

What I love noticing is, how safe we are right now, as we go in our minds to that hellish place or that terrifying, awful place, or that sad place we remember.

I am so very safe indeed right now. I am so surrounded by abundance, and the support I need right when I need it. I’m almost shocked with the perfection of it all.

And today, because I just happen to be someone who loves the work, and who therefore arranged this retreat, and wound up renting this retreat house, which happened to be near my old neighborhood of my childhood (all of which I could never have planned)….

….I’m ready to do The Work on things that weren’t available to me before. They appear now. Memories. Situations. Hellish times or even just slightly bothersome ones. Rising up for inquiry.

And I love whatever appears to you, in your particular life, is just right for you, too. Whatever bugs you. If it’s present, you can inquire.

“Just to notice what is, is love.” ~ Byron Katie

 

Much love,

Grace

P.S. If you want to join our Being With Byron Katie Retreat for the second two days (Monday 7/10 and Tuesday 7/11) here in Seattle, there are people who have to go to work tomorrow, who won’t be at the retreat house with us–so there is room for you. Email me.

P.P.S. The photo above is right by our retreat house, down the hill, and in my old neighborhood where I grew up. Portage Bay Lilies.

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The one thing harder than accepting this.

What absolutely thrilling excitement of the very best kind to sit with those who came to the webinar immersion class yesterday. Slides, concepts shared, my experience, people asking great questions.

Webinar Immersion: Ten Barriers That Can Keep The Work…From Working. It’s so much information. An entire 90 minutes of sharing what’s blocked my own work or hearing what’s made others hesitate, these ten “barriers” I’ve named. I talk about Year of Inquiry for all of you interested, at the very end. Listen to the recording HERE. And thank you, thank you, for being here.

And I had so much fun afterwards going live on Facebook. What a nut case. I actually crack myself up sometimes (OK I do that a lot–no one else is laughing, except me).

But here I am being excited about the upcoming (today!) Being With Byron Katie Retreat, plus all the people who were with me on the Ten Barriers webinar. Check out my video HERE.

I just love The Work, that’s all.

I love sharing The Work. I love seeing people get amazed at their own inquiry process. I love finding my own personal discoveries in the middle of hard times, painful experiences, loss, worry or fear.

It’s stunning, really.

I continuously get floored by the people I work with. They are so courageous and so brilliant. Wow.

I’m sure I actually need every single person who comes my way.

You all show me how to sit in The Work and find answers, and answer the questions.

When I receive payment for facilitating this work, it’s fairly remarkable. The exchange could be the other way around. I give THEM some kind of payment, or gift. Because the person sharing their inner thoughts, and then reading it and giving it up to inquiry, is brave, and clear, and so very inspiring to me.

They have no idea they’re bringing me freedom, by having us look at the story together. I get to explore and investigate this terrible, stressful, difficult situation….and THEY brought it to ME.

Sometimes the voice within says “wow, I wonder if there can be any peace in this situation they present?”

There always is peace. Every time.

Everyone shows me where.

So today, thank you ever so much for bringing your work to the free First Friday calls, for showing up with all your sharing and questions during the Ten Barriers webinar, for joining me to watch and participate in Being With Byron Katie.

There is still room if you can make it today (we’re in Seattle), to sit with us in retreat for 4 days and spend time in silence, and with Katie. Everyone there gets to watch anything you miss through Sept 30th.

And you know that relationship, that event, that situation, that issue, that problem?

You can inquire. It’s so possible to take a good look, and explore what’s true for you about what went down.

“There’s only one thing harder than accepting this, and that is not accepting it.” ~ Byron Katie

If I can help you in any way with inquiry (secretly it’s if you can help me in any way with inquiry) then please ask. I will share with honestly what it’s been like to stick with self-inquiry, even when I didn’t like it. I wasn’t sure what else to do, so no real alternative, honestly.

Question your thinking, change your world. Seriously.

Much love,

Grace

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Real marriage = married to the truth (and TEN BARRIERS webinar TODAY)

It’s a big inquiry offering day. All free for anyone.

Let’s do The Work, together.

FIRST FRIDAY open simple inquiry jam for everyone and anyone. 7:45 – 9:00 am Pacific Time. Join HERE. You’ll see your options for connection when you visit this link about 20 minutes before the session begins.

Webinar Immersion Class: Ten Barriers That Can Keep The Work…From Working. To attend join me HERE. You’ll want to view this one on a device with a screen where you can watch the slides. Everyone receives a free download of a new short summary I put together listing the ten barriers. At the very end I’ll share and answer your questions about the Year of Inquiry, which is now accepting registrations for fall.

Five years ago exactly today, I got married for the second time.

It was such a fun, fabulous, stress-free, joyful occasion….I never knew a ceremonial event with many people gathered could be so playful and precious.

Here’s a never-before-seen (I think it’s true) photo that appeared in my computer files today. I’m sharing it with you today because it reminds me of knowing what it’s like to be without those thoughts.

There were so many glorious parts to the 4 day celebration, and the 2 hour ceremony itself: sharing by the community, poetry, quotes, songs, calling in the ancestors, intention, celebration of love in every form for everyone present (not just commitment between two), honoring of old traditions and family members, dancing, feasting.

For me, it was truly an experience of who I could personally be without my ancient stressful stories of “love”, “partnership”, “friends”, “family”, “supposed-to”, “have-to”, and “must”.

Thank you to The Work for giving me back such freedom. A kind I hadn’t remembered or known since I was a child talking to the fairies in the garden.

“When I make a commitment, it’s to my own truth, and there’s no higher or lower. ‘I love, honor, and obey you–and I may change my mind.’ I’m married only to God-reality. That’s where my commitment is. It can’t be to a particular person….Unless we marry the truth, there is no real marriage.” ~ Byron Katie

I have a very dear sweet man called a husband, a beautiful extended family, and so many friends and people to share this life with, including you.

Much love,

Grace