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First Friday is tomorrow! Open, free meditation in The Work for anyone and everyone interested in questioning their stressful beliefs. No experience necessary. 

Friday, March 1st 7:45-9:15 am PT. Everyone dials in (no video), is guided through filling out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet (the fabulous step one), then 2-3 people get to “do” The Work out loud. Join us HERE. Choose phone or WebCall if you want to be heard. Choose Broadcast if you prefer to listen-only.

Also, if you’re in the free Eating Peace facebook support group, I’ll come at 10 am PT to do a facebook live also on Friday. Request membership by visiting here. I’m a part of it but only share about once a week. Sweet people there for simple encouragement and inquiry.

Doing The Work is sometimes like an arduous excavation, it seems.

Kind of like what’s happening in my back yard, literally.

As the digging began, it was very exciting and kind of sad at the same time (goodbye old garage rec room where many memories happened). A huge loud machine, not exactly relaxing, came rolling in.

Sometimes, the gigantic machine was inches from my actual cottage as it squeezed into the small driveway to get to the back yard.

Smash, crash, loads of garbage and destroyed material, wires, glass, roofing, door. I was absolutely fascinated. 

And then….five days into the destruction….a phone call.

“There’s something too unstable about the soil. It’s very sandy (this was once a lake bottom and a swamp). We have to do MORE foundational work before we even get started building”. 

Oh. 

Reminds me of diving deeply into self-inquiry and all the beliefs about life, the world, relationships, incidents, scary things, sad things. AGAIN.

Here comes the mind all over again. Believing something’s wrong, dangerous.

But there’s more. It’s not as easy as we thought. 

The other day in a private group, where we do inquiry together (it was the Eating Peace program)….someone brought up her feeling of being Against Ambivalence. 

Wow, what a permeating and long-lasting stressful thought.

As I considered this belief and perspective, I noticed that in anything my mind perceives as “a relationship” I’ve often experienced ambivalence.

Love interests, friendships, family, the city I live in, my neighborhood, politics, the weather, a major project I’m working on (the new version of Eating Peace curriculum which has been a year in the making), a book I think I’m writing, my body, saying yes, saying no, food and other substances. 

Ambivalence.

The word comes from combining two important words only about 100 years ago: ‘ambi’ and ‘value’. Ambi, meaning “two” and value meaning to have “worth”. 

As we looked at this idea of ambivalence and how it shouldn’t happen, I was struck by noticing that the nature of everything appears to have worth, and, absence of worth.

Both. And all the variations in between, like a song with hight notes and low notes.

Someone brought to an individual solo session in inquiry this past week the deeply stressful belief that the mind shouldn’t be so unstable. 

There is was again: two, multiple, variety, many, unpredictable, shared. BAD!!

I’m against it. The mind says it wants: “one, singular, same, solo, individual, non-dual, clear, final”. Decision made. Game over.

That’s better….right?

Is that true?

How do we react when we believe something shouldn’t be ambivalent, including my own relationship with x, y, or z?

I get firmer and more convicted. I seek for how to fortify my thinking or my decision. I have intolerance for the unknown. As a thoughtful inquirer said in our eating peace group call; “I KNOW”.

I know how this should be going. I know how my mind should react. I know how the future will be. I know what’s wrong. I know what’s right. I know that unless I quit being ambivalent about food or eating (or whatever it is I’m looking at), I’ll be doing it wrong.

It’s full of getting convinced and looking for the right answers and energy. 

Hmm. Not very relaxing. Not very free.

So who would we be without the belief that when something is ambivalent, including my own thought process or feelings (even life), it’s wrong and shouldn’t be that way?

WOW.

Without the belief, I almost begin to wonder if anything is NOT full of multiple values, multiple variety of ways it can go, a huge unknown of infinite possibilities and happenings. 

Without the belief that ambivalence shouldn’t be, I relax. I notice the innocence of this situation. I notice the sweetness of not knowing, and the immense joy and freedom available, no matter what this mind is doing.

In this moment, there’s a huge hole in the back yard, and sandy soil, and stillness while it all waits for the soil scientist geo-something-or-other and the architect to decide what needs to make it stable. 

I’m not in charge. I’m not the expert. I wait.

I notice I don’t say “stop the project! I can’t stand it!” (it’s not true) and I don’t say “I don’t care if it costs thousands of dollars to fix!” (because I do care, and I don’t have the dollars). 

I just pause. I watch. I go about my day.

Turning the thought around: it’s wonderful to be ambivalent, it’s natural to be ambivalent, I am supported in this ambivalence! I should be ambivalent, because I am. The mind is ambivalent–about everything! Yahoo! (Haha). 

Could this be just as true, or truer? 

Maybe there are wonderful reasons for this feeling of being torn.

Maybe there is effort, understanding, discomfort, energy required for this process.

Maybe it’s helping me surrender to what is. To cry, rage, laugh, hold still, be curious, be open. 

I notice this building project behind my house is a phenomenal effort, three years in the making (architect, plans, permits, saving money, refinancing, taking a loan, trusting the future, consulting). 

It’s requiring awareness of thought once again about money, change, creativity, creation, patience. 

Part of the building will be office and retreat space for the work I do. This requires great trust in my life’s work, today, and the future of service I imagine offering. 

I get to see how it goes, whether my mind is torn, or not. 

I get to see that I am not in control of so much of it–just a player in the dance. 
Isn’t this what I always want when it comes to being alive, here on planet earth, with all this?

If you want what visible reality can give, you’re an employee.
If you want the unseen world, you’re not living your truth.Both wishes are foolish, but you’ll be forgiven for forgetting that what you really want is love’s confusing joy.~ Jalaluddin Rumi

I like the part about love’s “confusing” joy. 

Ambivalent. Confusing. In love. Laughing. Wondering how this is all going to go….

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Spring Retreat in The Work is May 15-19, 2019. Register.

P.P.S. If you’re on the Eating Peace mailing list (not Grace Notes), you’re receiving this note because many of you are so interested in simply doing The Work of Byron Katie you might like coming to First Friday tomorrow. See the link at the top to join us!
Other upcoming events:

• Eating Peace Process Online Brand New Version. Same principles, delivered better. Lifetime access. May 1-August 15, 2019
• April 14th half-day retreat at my cottage
• June 9th half-day retreat at my cottage
• June 12-16, 2019 Breitenbush Retreat with Tom Compton
• Summer Camp for The Mind Online Inquiry
• Divorce Is Hell 8 week course Aug 18-October 13, 2019 Sundays 11 am PT/ 7 pm UK with Nadine Ferris France
• Year of Inquiry begins Sept 8, 2019–a whole year of monthly topics in The Work, and sharing inquiry together

Have you ever been starting something new, and the thought comes in, “Jesus, when will this be over?”

It’s literally the first fifteen minutes of an all-day workshop. 

The tech equipment isn’t working on stage. The people look suspicious. The venue is very cold. The first exercise is to turn to our ‘neighbor’ and share why we came to this workshop. 

Seriously? I don’t care why my neighbor came. Maybe I should leave.

Doubt can come careening through our experience about anythingnew. (Gosh….maybe there was nervousness about turning to the neighbor. Maybe we’re in the right place, at the right time, on the right day. With the right neighbor). 

About a month ago, I started lifting weights to address my hamstring injury from 2013.

The one where, if you’ve been reading Grace Notes for awhile, my right hamstring tore from the sits-bone (followed by surgery to re-attach it) because I decided it was a good idea to do a gymnastics move I used to perform when I was fifteen. 

It’s been mostly hurting in one way or another since then. 

I’ve done many physical therapies, checked with the surgeon who originally performed the repair, had another MRI, myofascial release therapy, massage, stretching, feldenkrais, yoga. 

And done many worksheets: “This should go away, I hate this, my leg is ruined, I’ll never run again, my life is over”. 

One day, I heard strengthening all the leg muscles would help. Not exactly a new thought. But for some strange reason I will never know, I suddenly downloaded a program for weight training, and started.

To do this program, I had to go to the gym. That’s not unusual for me. But going into the weight lifting section of the gym….that’s a different story. 

I generally stick to exercise equipment I can do while reading my books. 

Off I went, with youtube videos on my phone of how I was supposed to perform each new weight lift. 

There were some uncomfortable moments trying to figure out the name of certain machines or where that particular dumbbell is in this place (don’t look at me)!

But one day, a few weeks into my new program, I went to the gym at 5 pm in the afternoon. 

Bad idea. 

Triple the amount of people, with clanking noises and hard rock music more prevalent on the speakers. Lots of men with very big arms, spotting each other. 

They know I’m a novice. They think I don’t belong here.They’re staring at me.

I caught myself having this pattern of thought energy: I am not like them. I don’t belong. 

Is it true?

No.

How do I react when I believe I’m the one who is not like the others. 

Crabby. 

Nervous. Turning up my headphones. Watching them, but not too long, or too much.

Noting some of the equipment and how they’re using it. Seeing the huge size of the weights they have on their bars. Noticing another woman in the area and thinking “oh good, I’m not alone.”

Such suspicion about not belonging! 

Who would I be without the thought they think *something* of me (and it’s not good)?

Who would I be without the belief there’s any danger here? Or that I need to know something I don’t know?

I notice the delight of seeing these unique people. I listen to their voices, especially one man’s whose normal speaking voice appears to be yelling. I love hearing their banter, the cadence of their laughter, the jokes to one another. Noticing they don’t address me, bother me, or even say one thing to me. I’m completely welcome, I’m not kicked out.
In fact, one muscular man with gray hair looks at me and just as I begin to think I need to move out of his view, he asks “Did you leave a blue sweatshirt over there?”

Oh. 

Yes I did. 

How kind of him.

I turn my thoughts around: They don’t know I’m a novice, and it doesn’t matter if they DO know it. They think “oh how cool, a woman who could be my mom is here in the gym. Love it.” They think I belong here. They’re not staring at me.

These could all be just as true, or truer. 

Turning the thoughts around to myself: I don’t know I’m a novice. I think I don’t belong here. I think they don’t belong here (want them gone). I’m staring at them! The thing is, none of these thoughts are true, when I inquire. They are all founded in the assumptions that I should know something before I know it, and that being new at something is “bad” or will bring rejection from others. 

With something new, you have to start. It’s weird at the beginning. You might not like the change. 

“Sometimes the ‘fault’ that you perceive in another isn’t even there. It is a total misinterpretation, a projection by a mind conditioned to see enemies and make itself right….And what you react to in another, you strengthen in yourself.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Has Not Belonging ever really happened in a permanent, unresolvable way? 

Not one time, ever. 

Today, how fun to notice what’s new. This moment here, now. This gorgeous morning.

How many things I’ve learned so far in this lifetime going from baby to experienced.

The brilliant and helpful people everywhere on planet earth. 

In this new moment, I open a full calendar telling me what needs to happen when, including my gym visit. I notice the hamstring injury pain has been reduced to almost nothing over the past 4 weeks. 

Perhaps a new thing you find uncomfortable, and yet you’re drawn, is beckoning you today? 

Without believing your stressful thoughts about it…you might walk towards the door, being a new baby learning how every step of the way. 

Much love,Grace

P.S. Spring Retreat is May 15-19, 2019. Register.
Other upcoming events:

• Eating Peace Process Online May 1-August 15, 2019
• April 14th half-day retreat
• June 9th half-day retreat
• June 12-16, 2019 Breitenbush Retreat with Tom Compton
• Summer Camp for The Mind Online Inquiry
• Divorce Is Hell 8 week course Aug 18-October 13, 2019 Sundays 11 am PT/ 7 pm UK with Nadine Ferris France
• Year of Inquiry begins Sept 8, 2019–a whole year of monthly topics in The Work, and sharing inquiry together

Long ago, I was ranting and complaining about myself really viciously.

It wasn’t the usual kind of inner rant, as if I had a really mean, abusive voice yelling at me “Why did you eat that? What’s wrong with you? Really? You’ll NEVER get this right.”

This particular rant, I was actually sharing what I was thinking out loud. 

I was in a 12 Step Meeting (I can’t remember which kind, I went to many). I felt full of despair, and it was definitely about food and eating and my body. I felt entirely disgusted with myself and the whole ongoing experience.

What I wanted most was to shut down my behavior, my mind. I did NOT appear to want to understand what was going on with a more open mind. 

I knew what was right and what was wrong, and I was definitely wrong.What if I had been able to pause, and treat myself with loving compassion….and ask if what I was thinking was true?

How did I react when I believed I KNEW I was doing it wrong?

Full of despair, anger, self-attack, aggression, dictatorship.Who would I be without “my” opinion?

Someone shared something with me after my sobbing and complaining and agonizing about how awful I was. 

It changed my life. 

Not instantly and forever. I went into that mode of judgment to the self again, oh yes.

Many times. 

But something was aware of the words the person shared with me, and how they were truer than what I was saying to myself.

What I see is, when I give up being furious with myself about my behavior or my appearance related to weight, I have a chance of understanding what’s happening in a bigger picture, and ending the torture.
Love allows all the “bad” things we do with food and eating, it seems, to dissolve.

Not violence and control. 

“We grow to believe we need to be improved and are badgered into self-improvement programs. But none of that is true. We don’t need more criticism or badgering; we need a loving, supportive ‘coach’.” ~ Cheri Huber

Much love,Grace

P.S. Eating Peace Process, an in-depth program for those of us with eating concerns, will start again May 1st. Stay tuned for more about this program about self-inquiry, ending control vs wild abandon mentality, and using the way we eat to enlighten ourselves to what’s really true: love has the power. 

In the past week alone, five people have asked me what spring retreat is like?
Schedule, pace, environment, group, breaks, meals, exercises…. what’s it all like anyway?

At first, I saw in my mind’s eye a bigger picture response. The 30,000 foot view from the airplane way above in the sky–where we can see the whole landscape: 

Spring “Mental” Cleaning. Unraveling our stressful thinking by questioning what we think is absolutely true. Undoing the repetitive processes we get into that build up like scummy soap film or grime in the bathroom. 

We’re cleaning up our thinking, slowly and steadily answering four questions and finding turnarounds. 

It’s giving the mind a bit of a scrub. Things become clearer. 

In the airplane all-expansive view, I thought of the new brilliant craze of decluttering brought forth by Marie Kondo and her lovely quintessential Japanese approach to junk clearing. 

We’re doing this with our minds, spending some time with situations we’ve found kind-of disturbing….or deeply traumatic.

We lay the whole thing out before us (the way Marie has everyone lay their entire wardrobe out on the bed).

There it all is, that situation we feel troubled by. We’re starting by simply looking at the whole situation. 

We write down what we most objected to, what we wanted, what should have happened instead, what we really needed and maybe still need now, our most frustrating or anguished thoughts, who we blame. 

And then, we begin to take each item–each thought or story-form or concept about that particular contact with Reality–and investigate. We’re checking to see what’s genuinely True for us.

Marie tells her customers to say “thank you” to the items they’re sending to Goodwill, or to the dump. 

It’s pretty hard for us to let some things go, or to empty the storage container….even if it’s been a bad or anxiety-producing memory.

“I have to remember this! I have to hold on to it! I have to fix it! I have to get rid of this awful thing! I don’t know how else to think!”

There’s quite a bit of psychic “stuff” and memories to wade through when it comes to some situations, right? 

Thank you, goodbye.

It seems to happen naturally when we give ourselves space and time, with other people, to consider our thoughts so deliberately and attentively.

Some people leave retreat feeling like 100 pounds of weight have lifted. No longer storing and carrying that painful story. They know what to do the next time something comes up: The Work.

So, what’s spring retreat like in Seattle, in the trenches?

Well, first of all, it’s not exactly “trenches”. LOL. 

We’re not going to war. It feels much more like we’re declaring peace. It is a retreat from daily life, but concentrating with a sharp focus on our minds. 

We gather in a circle in a rather ornate living room of a place I discovered a few years ago for retreats and weddings. It’s less than a mile from my cottage, where I used to offer spring cleaning retreat. Nowadays, the cottage is just too small. 

The retreat house, built in 1918, has an elegant and quirky feel; old push-button light switches, statues of fairies and woodland creatures throughout the gardens, a meditation space outside, Alice-in-Wonderful little benches and hammocks scattered about. 

Plus, a hot tub. With a towel warmer.

I loved it when I saw it because much of what this work is about is using our imaginations to see complete opposites, other possibilities, and the magic that can happen when we question our subjective reality. 

Why not this new way? Did that statue of an angel just move?

The support of the circle is brilliant. Somehow because we’re together and we know our thoughts affect the way we’re navigating life….together we can understand more how our thoughts have patterned themselves. 

People always seem to have the right questions, at the right times, even in the right order. It’s a bit cliche, but it really does appear that every retreat is unique; the perfect people have come together to inspire one another’s work.

I learn every time from listening to someone else’s work or insights. Inspiration comes alive. New endings to old stories.

Curious about retreat logistics? 

We start most days at 9:30 am. Saturday we begin at 8:30 am as we have a special outing to move the body your way–or sit still or walk (you’ll get to decide exactly what’s right for you. Nothing is mandatory). 

Meal breaks are on your own, and since we have our own kitchen, people use the fridge for groceries and cooking, or venture out to the town center for something good (tons of options). We usually take 90 minutes midday, and 90 minutes again for evening break. 

Every evening after dinner except Friday we have a session together. Friday is open for out-of-towners who frequently request one evening to go into Seattle for fun, or to have a night at the retreat house in silence to contemplate and digest their work so far.

Onsite during our retreat, we’ve got a beautiful laundry room, a basement sitting room, a dining room table to gather around. It’s like we all move in for the 4 days together (even though some people commute daily) with all our comfort needs cared for. Tea, cream, coffee is all provided. I set up my little chairs when we need more seats (better than back jacks for most people). 

Finally, the feel and the flow….the essence of spring cleaning retreat in The Work with me:

Everyone has a folder with all the handouts supplied that you’ll ever need for doing The Work, and for facilitating The Work. 

Many therapists, healers, coaches and holistic practitioners have come to spring cleaning retreat to learn and practice this process step by step. 

As I mentioned, you get to begin with one situation you’ve found disturbing when you consider it, or re-consider it, and ponder, and wonder, and wish it had never happened or wish it could have gone another way. Something that feels unfinished. Something troubling about life. 

You get to pick what it is you want to work on. You’ll know. 

And then, let this fascinating activity begin: stepping into the four questions one by one. Answering, noticing. 

During our time together, we pair-off a few times. No expertise, special knowledge, or know-how is needed to be a facilitator. In fact, approaching this work with the innocence of a child, like it’s a brand new moment, is encouraged.

Like all groups coming together, there’s a sense of bonding and cohesion that happens as each time goes by. If you’ve been in retreat with me before, you know I love the way of checking in called “talking stick” style. Instead of discussion, each person gets to share something they discovered, perhaps something they’re wondering about, something they’ve become aware of. 

This work is about uncovering blind spots. 

It’s like holding a yoga pose in these profound questions: Is it true, the meaning I’ve placed on that incident, or person? Who would I be without these glasses on?

No one is pushed or cajoled, there is no right or wrong way to do it. Curiosity comes up, questions come up. All of them are welcome. 

I love offering some unique exercises for practicing living turnarounds and digesting our inner work. We walk almost daily in silence for 30 minutes to one hour in the beautiful exercise called “The Morning Walk” from the School for The Work. We have a special module on saying “no”. We look at body issues for those who want to. We look at common snags in facilitating others. 

Everyone who attends spring cleaning retreat comes away with knowing how to do The Work from start to finish, and knowing how to work with others as a facilitator. 

But far more important than knowing The Work is feeling the “cleaning” and decluttering that happens, and the lightness of being that floats into the atmosphere.

Much love,Grace

P.S. For a taster of this process, I’m doing a half-day retreat at my cottage on February 24th. Some knowledge of what The Work is, or fully experienced all welcome. Join me here. 

Outside my living room window the Seattle spring retreat seems in a galaxy far, far away. Three whole months. May 15-19, 2019.

By then, the the future, spring will likely have arrived. Despite volatile weather and unexpected extremes, all this snow will certainly be gone. Giant buds and blossoms will be filling the gardens at the retreat house.

Change will have unfolded in the atmosphere, things will be different. Some things will seem familiar and others the same.

Often, our minds think as if the status of the current situation (either the miserable one or the fabulous one) will never end.

The way it is now is bad. And it could get worse. 

Mental thoughts rush towards other disasters occurring, not just the one(s) we’ve experienced. 

Since we got in a fender-bender, we could get into another one….

….and this time someone could be hurt. Or maimed. Or killed.This happens in the movies and great stories constantly. Just when you think everything’s going to be OK after all….
.

…a twist. Not so fast thinking all’s-well-that-end’s-well, buster. 

Bad Things Happen, remember?!

We all do it. We take our thoughts very, very seriously. (You’ve probably noticed). 

We experience something, it gets placed in our mental file as “true” and BAM, it comes up as a re-minder when something is happening you don’t like or something is happening that makes you nervous. 

The other day, someone in the Eating Peace Process shared a fabulous thought that’s very, very stressful and often piles on top of our negative outlooks about something that’s happened. 

Not only do I dislike the way things are going for me in “x” area (I have proof, I can give you my list of examples that bad things have happened)….but I also condemn myself for being upset or stressed out by saying: 

I should be over this by now.I have my own top hit parade. I can relate. Here are the things I should be over by now:

• I should be over that troubling relationship with the guy from 10 years ago–I should never think of him for a second, ever
• I should be over the bizarre betrayal by one of my best friends (who vanished from my life) from 7 years ago. Especially when the majority of what came from it was good for me.
• I should be over my preference for staying on the sidelines and not enjoying crowds or huge groups
• I should be over my string-light fettish–getting annoyed when they burn out or stop working within 3 months of buying
• I should get over wanting my husband to stop drinking coke every single day
• I should get over thinking I’m never doing enough to refine or expand my career, work and service in the world 
• I should get over being concerned about my practically non-existent retirement fund

I had the thought 1,000,000 times that I should get over my insane binge-eating behavior for years and years. It was on repeat every few days, with a vicious criticism, followed by deep sadness and despair. 

But is it really true we should be over thinking something we didn’t even try to think? Is it really *me* who’s Not Over it, and therefore me who should be? Can I stop the mind from running? Can I stop it from showing me those scary pictures? Am I the one who created a mind that even does this in the first place? Who is this “I” who should be getting over something in this moment?

Am I sure I need to listen to with great interest, or believe, what the mind is saying?

(Uh, No.)

I always notice if something really terrifies me, when I try to STOP the pictures or directives in my head….it gets a little worse. I have pictures and examples of the future looking way better, or more grim, than this present moment. 

The present moment appears to be an enemy, when I think the thoughts in my mind shouldn’t be here, when they are.

I’m in resistance. I’m tight, defensive, and making plans and lists. I really isn’t fun, or funny, or light, or free. 

So who would we be without this troubling thought “I should be over this”?

Well first of all, I immediately take a deep breath and relax a little. I feel less critical about the situation, and less worked up. 

I might even start laughing. 

The other day, someone wrote a comment on my youtube channel where I share about eating obsession, eating compulsion, emotional eating, and suggestions about stopping the insanity that may or may not work for you. 

The comment was under the video interview I got to do with Byron Katie a couple of weeks ago where I asked her questions about the topic of eating.

The commenter said word-for-word “god I hated your voice, it sounds like a dying mule”. 

OMG.

Today, I was laughing one of those deep, carefree, tear-inducing laughs with a friend on how incredibly and absurdly funny the comment was….which had honestly disturbed me for a day or so. 

I should definitely be over someone roasting my voice like that, especially a stranger on the internet. 

Right?

Because….it’s all such a story. The meaning is never what we think. 

One person’s dying-mule voice is another person’s gentle and very relaxed voice. (I remember thinking after watching part of the video again later–but before the comment–that my voice was soooo soft and I was kind of dazed with gratitude that I was even talking with Katie in such a way, so I didn’t have much to say–so this commenter could easily have been speaking to that energy).

I love finding the turnarounds. 

First of all, I should NOT be over it. Obviously. It’s occurred to me, that’s the reality. Here comes the photo album and novella about That Topic once again. 

I do however love noticing, with such delight, that the thing I wish I was over is actually in the past, and I AM over it. It’s only my THOUGHTS that aren’t over it. 

I’ve gone about my business in the world, shared laughter and crying and good times and hard times and woken up each day and lived a human life….AFTER that thing was entirely over. 

More turnarounds: I should be over my thinking. I should be under it. 

Yah. I should notice that my thoughts are the only thing all revved up. The room is quiet. The heater is whirring. The string lights are twinkling on the porch. 

Under my head and my brain, there’s a neck, and an entire body with hands typing away, and torso and legs solidly holding everything up, and feet resting easy on the floor.

Drawing the attention under, past, away from thinking is hard–sort of–but not impossible. 

And maybe not as hard as we “think”. 

Let it play. Let the show go on. Let the movie rewind and play again and rewind (don’t they have this kind of scene in haunted houses sometimes, there’s a movie playing forever on a screen)? 

There the mind is being itself, an image-producing machine. 

It doesn’t mean it’s true.

If you want to join an always-incredible group of inquiring minds and dig in to your own thought process, and question it in a way that works….oh that spring retreat.

Remember the one I mentioned so long ago at the beginning of this email?
Come and do The Work to bring peace to your awareness and the way you perceive any moment. 

We’re not changing the fact that something happened–it did. We’re looking at the meaning we put on it that holds us back now, that has us continue to suffer.

Of course it’s not possible to change the past, but I notice over and over again that when I question my stories, I’m not so sure that what happened….shouldn’t have.

I’m not guilty, or missing something, or wrong, or incompetent. I’m just human. Able to notice all that I AM over. Able to notice all the immense joy in the room, in this life, which isn’t even “my” life.

Even with a drop of ease on this present moment, how might that flavor the next one, or tomorrow, or the entire future?

If you’re looking for some spring mental cleaning, read more and sign up here. If you need to stay onsite, please ask about the five rooms available for reservation (OK to share). 

“One of the greatest addictions is the addiction to thinking. Can’t stop drinking, can’t stop smoking, can’t stop eating…can’t stop thinking. Thinking is the greatest of any addiction. It’s a drug that’s been around for a long time. Thinking has the ability to create havoc in your life, and confuse you. Your choice is not to understand more, but to practice the state of Not Thinking….We call it presence, or awareness.  ~ Eckhart Tolle

When we just seem to NOT stop thinking certain thoughts, and feeling bad about them or about the memories….the best thing I know that works for dislodging the thinking “addiction” is The Work. 

Four questions and finding the turnarounds. Nothing more complicated than that.

We turn towards the story, look at it closely head-on, and question it.

So Exciting.  

Much love, Grace

Seeing things in right/wrong, black/white, good/bad, perfect/broken, credible/untrustworthy, real/false, junk/treasure, health/disease….

….yikes. Sigh. 

It’s such a grand flip-flop. 

A world of duality.

And when it comes to food….what a huge massive list there is of “right” foods and “wrong” foods. 

It becomes a religion. Good vs Evil. 

And on top of that, we’ll believe if we succumb to eating, over-eating, purging, consuming that off-limits item….

….WE are bad. We are out of control. Without personal power or personal authority. 

I find when we have this sense of powerlessness, there’s sometimes so much resentment and feeling like a victim (of our own behaviors and foods) and suffering. 

Who would we be without the beliefs that the only way to acquire supportive power and strength is to follow the “right” plan?

What if we stepped away from a religious, dictatorship or authoritarian view of eating, food, or body image?

“Out beyond right and wrong, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” ~ Jalaluddin Rumi

Turning the thought around: there is no wrong/evil/bad food. There is only wrong/evil/bad “thinking” or perspective about some foods. 

Can we be peaceful in the presence of any kind of food?

This is the way to true feeling of power; beyond rules, regulation, diet plans, rigidity.

Placing the blame or judgment on food, eating, the body, those other people, even ourselves….leaves us powerless. 

Instead, with our eating patterns we can get very curious, non-judgmental, full of wonder, asking questions, intrigued by this off-balance eating behavior and what is going on.

That’s where the gold is. 

Out in that field. 

Much love, Grace

Right now, I’m mid-way through facilitating a six week live video-conference course with Nadine Ferris France (a fabulous facilitator of The Work who lives in Ireland). It’s called Divorce, Separation, Break-Up Is Hell: Is It True?

The curriculum we’re using (and updating as we go) is the very same curriculum I developed with a good friend Charlotte in 2005.

It all happened after our first School for The Work, when Charlotte and I shared our beliefs about divorces we were navigating. We laughed, we cried, we learned. We did The Work with each other. We created a course to gather others in to do it with us.

Yikes, that was an intense time.

Back then in my first year after The School which was also my first year becoming single again, I slept literally about 4 hours a night. I remember doing The Work on sleeping itself. “I need to sleep” (as I was awake at 3:30 am yet again).

Is it true? I guess not. I’m awake.

That was the break-up of the century. Literally, the break-up of a lifetime. I was devastated, panicked, confused, and unbelievably sad.

Not only did this unexpected break-up occur (it felt like it came of nowhere) but I had to get a job and move to a different home. The life changes felt insane for me at the time. They felt like riding a roller coaster gone off the tracks.

This was not in the plan.

When I look back, I can see an intricate series of thoughts about primary love relationships….and rules about them I thought were true (or were supposed to be true)….come crashing apart.

These thoughts went like this:

• commitment means forever–for life
• divorce or break-up means failure or immorality
• my partner gives me security, adventure, happiness
• it’s sad when someone leaves
• being alone is hard
• being together is blissful
• being alone means you’ve got love problems
• love means never having to say your sorry (I learned that one in sixth grade–it was in a cartoon–which should have given me a clue about whether it was true or not)
• you should always love only one person at a time
• your partner should love only you, no one else
• etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, blah, blah

It’s like there’s a rule book about what’s right, and what’s wrong, in relationships.

The thing is….having the rule book is incredibly stressful.

The minute someone does something that’s NOT expected, planned, “good” or “right” in a relationship, we freak out. The minute someone even suggests doing something that’s frightening, we worry.

At least I sure did.

This month in Year of Inquiry, we’re looking at our beliefs about relationships from the past, present, future. Love gone wrong. Love hoped for. Valentine’s Day is in only ten days. Hopes, dreams, disappointments, loss, wishes.

That relationship should have gone another way.

Can you find a relationship–any relationship? (It’s OK if it’s a friendship or a professional relationship, it will still be useful to inquire).
it should have gone differently–Is it true?

Yes!

Can you absolutely know it’s true? Are you 100% sure beyond a shadow of a doubt for all time, that the relationship you have in mind should have gone another way?

No. What’s the reality? It didn’t.

How do you react when you believe that relationship should have gone another way than it did?

Wow. I’ve had this thought many times. I see pictures of the “better” alternative. I regret, I cry, I wish, I beg, I shut down.

I don’t notice how lovely my life is today, right now in this moment. I complain. I tell the story over and over again of how hard, how much it hurt, how bad it was. I tell other people the story. I treat myself like I did it wrong. I suffer.

So who would you be without this painful story that the relationship should have gone differently?

Yowser. It’s a little like a frying pan to the head—bbboooiiinnngggg!!

Without the belief we shouldn’t have broken up? Without the belief he shouldn’t have done that? Without the story it could be so much better?

Just. Wow.

It’s kind of exciting. Thrilling even.

Noticing the adventure of people coming, going, coming, disagreeing, agreeing, pushing, pulling, lying, truth-telling, leaving, returning, leaving forever, even dying. And not having a war with it.

Turning the thought around: It shouldn’t have gone differently. My thinking should have gone differently.

How is it a good thing that it went as it did? What else became possible? What else is still possible now? What became easier for you? What did you learn?

In the divorce from my first marriage, I learned a strength within I never even imagined–a sense of trust and joy about the inner world, and outer world, I didn’t even know could be real. I was astonished.

It was the rug pulled out from under me that woke me up to the safety of being here (and no, I certainly didn’t always feel safe from the inquiry….it was a process and still is).

Yes, it was magnificently hard. Yes, it hurt like the deepest heartbreak I had never ever felt before. Yes, it changed my life entirely for the better.

I started a career. I took care of my own house. I went on the most incredible adventures–literally on airplanes and boats and driving places to meet new people and hear new wisdom and learn how to deeply meditate. I worked harder than I had ever worked before. I dated many people. I made new friends.

I took workshops on qigong, self-employment, money mindset, dance, art, meditation, parenting, addiction, compulsion, grief. I read so many books. I had quiet time. I became a better, less anxious mother.

What happened with relationships taught me about love stories, and how to stop believing what doesn’t really matter.

“What really matters is not your thoughts, not your emotions, not even the outside world….The only thing that really matters is the you that’s in there. The kingdom is within you….When you can pull back behind the experience, what’s left is you. And you are the most beautiful thing that walked the face of the earth.” ~ Michael Singer
I’m not saying I feel this way every second of every hour (ha), but it is amazing to think the divorce I went through, the deep questioning of the Love Rule Book, has been a road to discovering what is wonderful and mysterious, even beautiful, about All This.

If you have a sore heart because of loss, disappointment, unhappiness, irritability, fear, worry or pain because of what happened with someone else in the world–that you believe shouldn’t have gone that way–then you’re in for a treat when you do The Work.

If you live in Seattle area, then this coming Sunday February 10th 2-6 pm is half-day retreat in The Work at Goldilocks Cottage (my place in Lake Forest Park). A wonderful time to go through the whole process from start to finish and see what happens. Only $50, a small group. Learn more and sign up here.

…”As long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,
Grace

P.S. For a deeper experience: One (and maybe two) spots have come available for a small intimate healing retreat called Sit In The Fire with Roxann Burroughs (Byron Katie’s daughter) March 22-24 in the Seattle area (outside of the city, but not by much). Hit reply to this email and let me know if you’d like to talk or want more information and I’ll send it to you. We start Friday morning and end Sunday 2 pm.

Spring retreat registrations are happening. May 15-19, 2019 Seattle. Sign up here. If you need to stay onsite, please ask about the five rooms available for reservation.

 

It’s here: First Friday online at 7:45 am Pacific Time. Ninety minutes, dial in and listen or participate. If you want to be heard or to speak any time or ask questions, please connect using WebCall or Phone. If you want to follow along and just listen-in (you can use the chat feature in writing) then use Broadcast.

If the line appears to be full, hang up and re-connect again using Broadcast.

We’ll start at the very beginning (like Maria in the Sound of Music). All you need to do is to bring your stressful experience–you know the one–and we’ll write a JYN, followed by hearing 2-3 people do The Work.

First Friday link is here.

So to keep it light, although it can seem so very serious when we’re suffering with our thoughts….let’s sing.

Maria Starting At The Very Beginning

We start at the very beginning:
What am I really really thinking–un-evolved, immature, angry, judgmental, irritated, frightened, sad, repetitive?

It’s a very good place to start:
I write all these thoughts down, without editing.

When you read, you begin with A-B-C:
When you do The Work you begin with, Who did it to me? Who did it to me?

When you sing, you begin with Do-Re-Mi:
With The Work the first question just happens to be…is it true?

Doe a deer, a female deer:
Is it true, is it really, really true?

Me, a name I call myself,
How do I react when I believe? (I run far)

Sew, a needle pulling thread,
Who would I be without that thought?

Tea, a drink with jam and bread,
And let’s turn the thoughts around!

Well, that was silly.

And oh so fun.

And doing The Work is profound and fun and laughter-inducing and sometimes very heart-breaking. Just like our minds and the ways we think.

“If I can teach you anything, it is to identify the stressful thoughts that you’re believing and to question them, to get still enough so that you can hear your own answers. Stress is the gift that alerts you to your asleepness. Feelings like anger or sadness exist only to alert you to the fact that you’re believing your own stories.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,
Grace

I’m still joyfully contemplating the conversation I got to have with Byron Katie about eating, guilt, hopelessness, ice cream, and the changes she herself experienced that were so radical.

If you didn’t see it yet, you can watch it here.

The great questions when it comes to our eating woes usually sound like “what’s wrong with me?” or “why can’t I just stop this obsessing?”

And there are also many more lists of “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” that also plague us.
Last weekend, I jumped out of bed on Saturday morning so happy and excited because Saturday mornings I put on a dance with my husband Jon that has become one of the highlights of our week.

We create a huge, eclectic set list 80 minutes long, we rent a dance hall for two hours, we roll in speakers, laptop and sound equipment and hang up fabrics to decorate the space….and we sweat without planning or trying or pushing. Forty to sixty people come every time.

For me, it feels like the thrilling movement like the kind when you’re a child and you spring into the day, leap down the steps, roll down a hill, fly along on your bicycle, or jump for joy.

There is no “should” about exercising. There is no “shouldn’t” about sitting still.

One thing I think that helped me deeply recover at a core level from my eating and body image obsession was to question every rule I ever learned that I had not actually tested out and felt to be true for myself.

One of these rules was most certainly “I should be exercising”. 

Ugh.

My belief, especially as an athlete, was that I should be pounding the pavement at all times and all hours. NEVER LAZE AROUND.

It became very serious, and rule that meant if I exercises, I was “good” and if I didn’t I was “bad”.

Who would you be without that dreadful story?

I noticed I began to love moving in my body again, when I didn’t have a “should” about it. I quit the long runs. I quit doing anything that wasn’t pleasant or fantastic. I tried new forms of movement like aikido, and qigong, yoga and freeform dance.

Much love,Grace

P.S. My monthly open First Friday 7:45 am PT for anyone wanting to take 90 minutes to meditate in The Work (no fee) is TOMORROW. Join ten minutes before we begin (7:35 am) here. If you want to speak and be heard, choose phone or WebCall to connect. Listen-only choose Broadcast. 

This morning as I opened my eyes, I thought…it’s just another day, and it’s sweet and fun that on the calendar in our civilization this day is my birthday. I notice, we’re rather joyful about birth.

The beginning of something, the start of something new, the movement that happens after gestation and ponderings and unseen growth.

And there’s nothing like being born out of suffering and into awareness or learning or insight about something….whether it’s small or very big. I’m so glad I bumped into whatever suffering I encountered (and will encounter again) and that somehow it led to wanting out, to wanting freedom.

Every time I do The Work either with myself or in the presence of another inquirer, a little birth happens. Sometimes painless and natural, sometimes….not so much. But it’s worth it, soooooo worth it.

So looking on my calendar, here comes some dedicated time scheduled for The Work with others.

If you’re within driving distance of Seattle: Sunday, Feb 10th 2-6 pm we’ll do a half-day mini retreat here in my living room. (Reserve your spot here.)

It’s been awhile since friends have come together for a little retreat on a Sunday afternoon. I can’t wait.

Because there’s nothing like taking a few hours to sit with a situation and gather together the stressful, unedited, judgey, nasty, desperate, sad thoughts about that thing or person we’re at odds with…..and slow the mind’s reactivity down.

That slowness is one thing I notice happens every single time I do The Work.

Sometimes in the past, I wanted to write with such vigor and intensity about a situation, person or condition that my pen was smashing into the paper and tearing it up.

Very angry.

Very scared.

Sure that what I’m thinking is true–certainly feeling like it is. What I love about The Work, is we get to go there.

That’s step #1 in this birth process out of suffering. Just like so many spiritual teachings or teachers offer us: turn towards the pain, go into the pain.

How? Start by writing a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

All the rage, fear, anxiety, nerves, sadness, loss, upset, troubled feelings all emanating from that incident, that encounter….we get to see them all, written on paper.

There isn’t any thought to hold it in, or hold back, or start changing your mean thoughts to something kinder right now, or start saying positive affirmations, or criticize yourself because you’re freaking out….

….The invitation is simply to write the thoughts you’re thinking about that person or thing down.

The simplicity is almost so weird, it’s like….that’s it? That’s all? Really?

But I’ve found so much wisdom coming out of the answers to the four questions on these thoughts I wrote down.

The process begins with the dumb, childish, embarrassing thoughts…the ones you prefer not to mention, the ones you don’t want to admit or to share.

The process begins by confessing, sharing, admitting, opening up to your painful thoughts.

That’s it. We turn towards the disruption we feel in our hearts about what’s been difficult in any way in our lives, and name it.

“Our avoidance of pain keeps us locked in a cycle of suffering. The Buddha said that what we take to be solid isn’t really solid. It’s fluid. It’s dynamic energy. And not only do we take our opponents and obstacles to be solid; we also believe ourselves to be solid or permanent. In the West, we add the belief that the self is bad. That night I spent meditating, I discovered that there is no solid, bad me. It’s all just ineffable experience.” ~ Pema Chodron

So today, if you’re noticing you haven’t sat down and started The Work yet on THAT situation (you know the one)….schedule some time to start.

If you seek a longer period of sinking into self-inquiry and investigating more thoroughly….come to a longer retreat.

And today, in honor of the beautiful poet Mary Oliver, I share with you this lovely piece that a friend in The Work sent me today. Happy Birthday to us all.

“Early Morning, My Birthday”
The snails on the pink sleds of their bodies are moving
among the morning glories.
The spider is asleep among the red thumbs
of the raspberries.
What shall I do, what shall I do?
The rain is slow
The little birds are alive in it.
Even the beetles.
The green leaves lap it up.
What shall I do, what shall I do?
The wasp sits on the porch in her paper castle.
The blue heron floats out of the clouds.
The fish leaps, all rainbow and mouth, from the dark water.
This morning the water lilies are no less lovely, I think,
than the lilies of Monet.
And I do not want anymore to be useful, to be docile, to lead
children out of the fields into the text
of civility, to teach them that they are (they are not) better
than the grass.
Mary Oliver, New and Selected Poems, Vol. 1 (1992)

*Spring Mental Cleaning Retreat May 15-19, 2019 Read more and register here. Lodging is already half reserved so if you’d like to stay in the retreat house, be sure to make your request soon (fees for the rooms are on the info page).

*Breitenbush Summer Retreat. This year my co-facilitator guest is the absolutely lovely Tom Compton. Join us at this gorgeous place in Oregon for 4 nights and 5 days. Early bird rate through April 14th but the sooner you book, the more normal lodging choices you have.

*Save the date: east coast Autumn Retreat November 6-10, 2019. This year’s fall retreat on the east coast of the US. We begin Weds evening and end Sunday noon.

Much love to you on this glorious new day, Grace