Category: Uncategorized

• June 27th East West Books evening 7-9 pm.
• June 12-16, 2019 Breitenbush Retreat with Tom Compton
• Summer Camp for The Mind Online Inquiry
• Divorce Is Hell 8 week course Aug 18-October 13, 2019 Sundays 11 am PT/ 7 pm UK with Nadine Ferris France
• Year of Inquiry begins Sept 8, 2019–a whole year of monthly topics in The Work, and sharing inquiry together
• always free: First Friday inquiry power hour (90 mins) 7:45am PT

I’m a little unconventional and sometimes just a wee rebellious (aren’t we all).

Today is Mother’s Day and has been in the US for about 100 years. I notice it never occurs to me to actually plan on writing about the current season or holiday or special day that everyone is celebrating  just because everyone is doing it.

As you know, I go with the thought I’ve noticed creating stress, the one inviting inquiry at the moment.

Today, there was a lot of morning commentary on this day called Mother’s Day, it turns out, that it became the topic of what this mind began thinking about!

I personally haven’t wanted brunch, gifts or “happy mother’s day” greeting cards as a mother. I love that life brings me into regular contact with my children (now young adults) but more importantly with mothering, whether my kids are here or not.

I found out something interesting today, when my husband started reading out loud to me about the history of mother’s day from his laptop.

Anna Jarvis, who was honoring her mother at the memorial of her mother’s death during this time of year in the early 1900s, was responsible for submitting the day as an official holiday in the United States.

A decade later, she was jailed for disturbing the peace at a candy factory churning out “mother’s day” products. She disliked the commercialization. She considered the way the holiday had gone to be missing the entire point.

LOL.

Intrigued, I looked up the word “mother” and the origins of the old word.

It’s very old. It sounds similar in many languages.

It comes from “mater” in Latin. The physical world of matter. Giving birth to the physical.

A “mat” is a woven collection of reeds and plants from the earth. Made of the physical matter of ‘mother/matter’ earth.

Inquiry, investigation, clarity, consciousness about “mother” and what it means…

…this interests me.

What is “mother”? What are my thoughts, images and ideas about mother?

There’s the mother we experienced as children, the ideal mothering we’ve imagined, the mothering we ourselves have done (and you can be any gender or age reading this, and if you’ve ever tended to anything or brought anything to life in physical form, then you’ve mothered it in some way).

I love how Byron Katie mentions from time to time that she did The Work on her own mother for 3 years daily. Or, maybe it was one year. A long time.

Then, Roxann, Katie’s daughter mentioned that she, too, did The Work on her mother for 3 years.

The mother of our pasts, the mother in our minds, the mother we remember, the mother who hurt our feelings, the mother we’re angry with, but even the mother we appreciated and loved so very much and learned so much from (we can keep the good-feeling stories if we like them, or not) or the mother who is absent.

This morning as I listened and sat in meditation, I had the thought “I have a mother” and “I am a mother”.

And then the question “Is it true?”

Well, er….yeah. I mean, what are you talking about? Of course it’s true!

Except…right now in my quiet meditation space in a living room with the sounds of many birds singing outside and an occasional car noise like a motor, or a door closing…

….I “have” a mother….I am a mother….

True?

I notice I can’t know this is true when it comes to the physical form of “my” mother, or of “my” children. None of those are present (except in my mind). My thoughts see these characters (my mother, my son, my daughter) all busy living their lives doing what they do in different physical locations in the “material” mother world.

And I’m loving this quiet morning here, so beautiful. Wind chimes now. Silence. A bowl of strawberries.

Oh look, it’s deciding to write.

I have a mother. I don’t have a mother. Are either of these true?

No. I am completely and fully and entirely supported in every way. Physically nourished. Clothing. Lovely sweater wrapped around me. A last-minute brand new client unexpectedly added on this morning who was so sweet. Sacred texts. Silence. Being left alone. Writing. Cool clear water from a hand made glass. Inquiry. Mind.

Surrounded by “matter” mother. SURROUNDED.

I have a mother–true?

I don’t have a mother–true?

I am a mother–true?

In my past, yes. In my heart and mind, yes. In this moment mothering is happening, yes.

It all only depends on what I’m perceiving, the story I’m telling, the proof I’m aware of, the images being conjured up.

I notice what happens when I have thoughts about mother’s absence or the ideal mother who should have been or my own mothering that should have been different….

….only then am I disturbed. 

And what happens when I believe the mothering I received could have been better, (or could have been worse)? When I believe something about mother should be different, whether now or before or later?

Suffering, anger, sadness, grief, longing.

When I believe I have a mother: images and thoughts. The good-feeling memories, the troubled ones that hurt. Heart-break sometimes.

When I believe I don’t have a mother: anger, furious, small, powerless, abandoned. Images of being a victim.

When I believe I AM a mother: images of my children and cradling them when they were babies all the way to images of them as adults and astonished at how it all changes and morphs.

Only if I believe I am a mother and that means (fill in the blank with something stressful) do I become upset.

What happens when I don’t have any thought that I have a mother, I don’t have a mother, or that I am a mother?

It almost seems funny.

I can’t prove these are true in this moment. I can tell all kinds of stories about giving birth, or being a child. They are from the past.

I guess to be here on planet earth in a body, I needed a mother human to give birth to me…but I remember nothing about that birth.

This physical body is evidence I had a mother. But I have one right now?

Hmmm. Don’t see the one in my imagination. Not here today in the living room.

If physical body is the proof, then I look around in this moment.

None of those imagined characters are here.

However. It’s true I see matter everywhere. I’m sitting on it, surrounded by it, infused with it, hearing it make noise, seeing shapes and sizes and colors, feeling this body pulsating, a brown cushion lying on its side on the couch.

How do I react when I believe thoughts about mother? What happens when I have a mother, or I don’t have one, or I am one? Mind jumps all over the places, looking. Showing images. Running like a little machine.

Who would I be without one single stressful story of mother? Who would I be without the belief that I had a mother, I have a mother, I don’t have a mother, I AM a mother?

No beliefs that shout with suffering cries: “mother should, I should, I want, mother wants, I need, mother needs, I am, mother is, I never want, mother never wants”…..?

Who would I be right now in the presence of “mother” thoughts without any belief that “mother” should be different than it is?

Wow.

Mind stops for a sec. It feels spacious. Sort of….magical, just for a tiny moment. Nothing special, but this moment so full, sparkling. Everywhere I look, everything I hear is astonishing. I have no idea what anything means or what anything is for.

Without my conclusions about mother, I’d be massively curious. I’d wonder about mothering itself as a verb.

I’d be mothered. I’d be mothering. Mothering would be me. Mothering would be happening. I’d be mothering my thinking, and my thoughts would be mothering me.

Mothering, mattering. 

I’d be noticing what’s here and how fascinating the world is right in this moment.

I look up from my writing and out my big picture window into the front yard, and on the street, which often has walkers out in front, there’s a woman and a little girl. They pause as the girl does a handstand. Then they continue out of sight.

I chuckle. A little theater show of possible mother-daughter right in front of me. Mother waiting for child, a moment in time. Birds tweeting still. Leaves rustling.

I consider my history and all those images I’ve fought and inquiry I’ve brought forward about mother and what should or should not have happened, and what should or should not happen in the future, and what I myself should have done in mothering my children, or not done….

….and I notice a stunning sense of gratitude in this moment about all the mothering of the world. All that’s ever happened in my entire life is supported by mothering.

Every. Single. Second.

When I needed to be left alone for my next step in evolution, I was. When I needed to do something by myself for the first time, it was presented to me. When I needed to serve constantly and understand how to do that without suffering, that was in my life (having kids for example).

When I needed to have silence and ease, it was always available (I didn’t always take it).

When I needed a person to be mothering to me, there were countless. When I need me to be a mother to myself or others, it came forth.

Except my in my mind, mothering is here.

What “matters” is here.

Could this all be just as true?

Yes.

And when I think it isn’t, I can investigate.

I realize suddenly in this writing, that I am a mother, even in this moment where no children appear to be present.

I am a mother in inquiry. We all are.

I am mothering my own thoughts and beliefs, and have been doing this as best I can for many years and many sittings.

I continue holding the mind with loving, mothering energy as long as it’s needed until perhaps it can walk by itself (and it’s OK too if it never can).

I ask Question Four “who would I be?”

I wonder. I find such exciting answers. I connect to the capacity to feel love, unconditional love–the ultimate shining experience of motherness. I am still here, finding the way to let mind rest.

Something called “me” is finding a way back, always, to loving kindness, gratitude, peace.

“When there is fear, pain, confusion or sadness moving in you, do not despair or come to conclusions about yourself. Be honoured that these misunderstood guests, at once both ancient and timeless, weary from a lifetime’s lonely travel, have finally found their home in you. They are children of consciousness one and all, beloved children of yourself, deserving of the deepest respect and friendship. Offer them the deep rest of yourself, and let them warm their toes by your raging fire…” ~ Jeff Foster

Thank you for The Work of Byron Katie for all the mothering it’s done for me. Giving birth to new ways of seeing everything.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. It’s not too late to come to spring retreat and give your heart the gift of nurturing the thoughts that have plagued you about life, or mothering. There’s even a room for you if you need to stay onsite. We begin Wednesday. A perfect mothering gift for yourself. Information here. Or hit reply and ask.

Our Year of Inquiry group had such a powerful session yesterday.

We’ve just begun Month Nine and our topic is Underlying Beliefs and Revisiting the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

I always say this every month about every topic, but this really is one of my favorites….it allows us to sit with the JYN prompts, before we even apply the four questions….and fill it out as a meditation.

When I take time to go very slowly and identify my thinking, my objections, my worries, my fears, what I truly wanted, what I believe should have happened, what I needed….and really write it the way I’m perceiving it, listening to myself with great acceptance….wow.

My entire perspective of life is revealed in just one situation.

I was so moved by the inquirer in our Year of Inquiry call, so very touched, because I could follow right along with her and do my own work.

Her situation: taking a relative to dinner who has been living on the street for several months, deep in drug use. The relative asked to spend the night on her couch, and she said no. Dropping the relative back on the street, she felt guilty and frightened.

As she did her work (me asking the four questions), everyone on the call did our own inquiry along with her, silently.

We pictured a moment where we believed someone could get hurt, something terrible could happen, we could experience loss, guilt, pain….the world is a harsh place, the street is dangerous, sickness, homelessness, death is bad. 

I had images of some of my own family, when they’ve been in pain.

I saw all the people feeling so frustrated about eating issues and suffering over compulsion, all the alcohol users, the people in psych wards or hospice I’ve visited.

I thought of a client who came once with severe depression who sat on my couch and cried, he had so much grief, and then said he wasn’t up to doing The Work….then stood up and said “we’re done for today” and left.

I remembered how I felt bad about him leaving.

He’s not OK. I need to help him.

The world is full of suffering. He’s in a dangerous place. I should have been more useful. I failed.

Is it true these people are in danger? Is it true they need help?

Yes! Of course it’s true!

Isn’t it mean or cold to NOT believe they’re in danger, or suffering?

Long ago at my first School for The Work with Byron Katie, I raised my hand in the big conference room full of people, after a morning walk.

“I just passed a woman lying on newspapers on a stone bench by the busy rush hour road. It’s sad, Katie. There are people suffering out there. She didn’t have a place to sleep last night!”

Katie asked me “is that true?”

I realized I couldn’t know. I had no idea. All I did was walk by her.

But isn’t that uncaring? Isn’t that ignoring the reality? Who lies on newspapers at 7:00 am by a busy road?

I sure don’t.

Or, if I did, I’d be suffering. I like beds.

And by the way, what kind of God allows all this anyhow, plus all the other millions of incidents and situations causing pain?

But as I sat back in my chair after that brief conversation with Katie, I realize how my mind had taken off with the assumption of pain and agony that woman must be going through, and how terrible her life was to bring her to that place, and I could not know anything I was thinking was true.

I didn’t even really know that if I myself were on a stone bench sleeping on newspapers that I would be unhappy. I had never done that before.

Back to my client.

I should have stopped him and said “you still have 20 minutes for our session, so just sit here and say nothing, but don’t leave!”

(I thought of me saying that later on, not in the moment).

He’s not OK.

Is that true?

I don’t know.

I can’t absolutely know he’s not OK. At all.

So….no. Not true.

How do I react when I think someone else I care about isn’t OK?

I have all kinds of images in my head about terrible things getting worse. I picture them suffering, going crazy, in hospitals, dying.

Who would you be without the thought that he’s not OK? She’s not OK?

Woah.

And while we’re at it, let’s say it also doesn’t mean you’re an uncaring cold-hearted jerk if you don’t believe they are NOT OK.

We’re just wondering what it’s like without assuming they aren’t.

I immediately feel as if I remember they are quite powerful. I have no idea what brought them to the moment where I happen to see them, and it’s just a moment in time.

I’m aware they are here on planet earth….being themselves. Alive. Breathing. Crying. Asking. Sleeping. Taking care of themselves as best they can.

I’m not in charge.

Without the belief “that person is NOT OK” I’m still seeing them, I’m not dumb, I’m aware….I’m here with them. I have a sense of trust, not suspicion.

I’m open to my mind might be seeing this a little wonky: assuming there’s a God allowing terrible things to happen hither and yon randomly screwing with the human race.

That might not be true. Heh heh. 

I had time to take a walk after our group inquiry call, before my next client.

The sun was shining brightly and blossoms literally bursting everywhere–it seemed the air was full of sugar perfume, and oh the colors. Red, purple, pink, white, blue, yellow in every floral shape and size danced along my entire walk.

I thought more deeply of turnarounds on my walk.

He IS OK, she IS OK. 

I am not OK, especially when I believe those people are not OK. My thinking isn’t OK. 

These are all just as true….truer.

The inquirers in Year of Inquiry as they shared their own situations and feedback with the woman who had done The Work were so touching to me.

They had such deep reflections about someone they love in their lives dying, changing, or suffering in some way….and the brilliant shining awareness of how much they love that person.

Hearts bursting with love for the people close to them, with appreciation, gratitude, wonder.

And I saw on my walk how much I loved an almost-stranger who sat on my couch in tears, a woman I saw for only fifteen seconds on a bench one time, my family members, my kids, my parents, these Year of Inquiry people who are helping me see how much love is showering the world, in any situation.

“When this Work found me, my daughter was, in her words, an alcoholic and doing drugs. And the questions were alive in me. ‘Her addiction is killing her’–can I absolutely know that’s true? No. And who would I be without this story? I would be totally there for her, loving her with all my heart, as long as she lasts. Maybe she’ll die tomorrow of an overdose, but she’s in my arms now.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

P.S. There’s still room for you to come to spring retreat next week. Jump on a plane, drive your car, take the bus. Doing this kind of work can change your entire perspective, about the whole world and everyone in it. Amazing. Give yourself the time. I’ll be right here with you.

There’s something extra-special about gathering in person to do this work for several days. Inquiry, silent walks (I’ll show you my favorites), inquiry, sharing, meditation, sacred poetry, more inquiry, ah-ha moments, allowing everything to be as it is.

Ahhhhhhh.

• Eating Peace Process Online Brand New Version. Same principles, delivered better. Lifetime access. May-August 2019
• June 27th East West Books evening 7-9 pm.
• June 12-16, 2019 Breitenbush Retreat with Tom Compton
• Summer Camp for The Mind Online Inquiry
• Divorce Is Hell 8 week course Aug 18-October 13, 2019 Sundays 11 am PT/ 7 pm UK with Nadine Ferris France
• Year of Inquiry begins Sept 8, 2019–a whole year of monthly topics in The Work, and sharing inquiry together
• always free: First Friday inquiry power hour (90 mins) 7:45am PT

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”-as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering-the situation is hopeless.” ~ Byron Katie

Someone asked me what retreat was like again doing The Work.

Oh my. How can I describe such a wonderful experience? Each and every retreat is like a precious gem.

A unique group, personal and important inquiry, and the brilliance of humans finding their own answers.

In a nutshell, retreats are several days set aside to do nothing but meet your own thoughts with understanding. The word “retreat” actually means to fall back, to settle down, to pause, to stop fighting, right?

So fitting, because I find it’s what we’re opening up to about reality itself. Not Fighting It.

An adventure in being completely honest about What Is, and then exploring our Truths about it.

No one else’s truth or answers, only our own.

Sure, there are other people here, sitting in the room with you.

But honestly?

We’re not so focused on getting to know one another, or sharing whole stories from start to finish, or exposing all our pain or doing special exercises (except for some that help us identify our thinking).

Retreats set aside for doing The Work feel to me like making very deep contact with my own inner world, without running for dear life, or deflecting away, or avoiding what frightens or angers or saddens me.

I suppose in some ways the opposite of “retreat” is also true. I’m connecting very closely. Rather than retreating, I’m diving all the way in to understand something I’ve opposed.

I’m giving myself time to be with my mind, and question something I’ve perceived as a cause of suffering.

What I find happens is time dedicated to questioning my thinking allow the hours, then days, to go to work on it and transform it without me even trying. Something sinks in, and a power of love and support unfolds without any teacher or guru or special method necessary (as Van Morrison sings). I follow the directions and step-by-step fall into wondering who I am without my thinking?

What?!

Wouldn’t I be a zombie without my stressful belief? Maybe I’d have no idea what was going on?

LOL.

Maybe I have no idea already.

Two retreats are coming up soon. One is only 8 days away: spring retreat in Seattle! May 15-19. The other is at Breitenbush in Oregon June 12-16. Seattle’s retreat is $485. Breitenbush Retreat is $495.

Oh, and there’s always music, beautiful poetry and quotes, and one special outing involving movement without talking. A great experience of being, and letting our work be.

For both retreats, we begin Weds evening and you’ll start right away by identifying a situation from any time in your entire life where you believe whatever was going on shouldn’t have happened.

You needed something. Something was missing. Something was threatened. You lost something. It hurt. Something was said, written, implied, damaged, gone. Someone was rude, vicious, violent, suffering, absent.

So many moments. It shouldn’t have happened that way (says the mind).

Oh such a profound treat, in the weirdest way possible, to state what I did not like and why, and tear that moment to shreds, or complain, or cry on paper (whatever the sentiment).

There’s something that gets released.

Yesterday on the weekly Monday facebook live, for example, we did The Work on the belief “I need x, in order to be happy”.

I need money, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a baby, a house, a job, support, friends….air.

I need it. Without it, I can’t be happy.

Is it true?

Watch the inquiry here.

And I’m LOVING interviewing the wonderful people I’ve met in The Work, who have been on many retreats, sat with themselves in self-inquiry, gone to The School for The Work, and experience their lives as completely changed because of questioning their thinking on what should not have happened.

My guest this time is Tamami Fujiwara, Certified Facilitator.

One of the things I loved most about her sharing was that when she first encountered The Work, she hated it.

Listen to our conversation here on itunes Peace Talk episode 147.

For those wanting to come along to group tele-inquiry….today’s the day. Connect here at 7:45 am Pacific Time.

We meet for 90 minutes. Come do The work. All you need is pen, paper and open mind.

You are welcome to sit, listen, meditate and not even share at all.

Only 2-3 people usually sit in the hot seat and “do” The Work, but everyone gets to comment or give feedback or share the impact of the work if you choose. 

First Friday Free Open Inquiry Call. Connect here at 7:45 am Pacific Time. We meet for 90 minutes. Come do The work. All you need is pen, paper and open mind.

If you’ve ever thought of coming to a four day retreat in The Work, this is one of the best times this spring (in only 2 weeks).

It’s not the glorious flowers or the beauty of the sun and rain and lush grass in the northwest, or the joy I know that can occur with the amount of time we have connecting to our inner world and inquiring into our stress.

The reason this may be a particularly special time is because this is the last time most likely that I’m going to be in the retreat house I’ve been renting for several years….and because we have spots I also want to remind you that partial scholarship space is available. 

I’m always open to requests for scholarship, but sometimes there’s hardly any room and the retreat is full before I can turn my attention to scholarship help.

That’s not true this spring.

So if money and finances are the thing holding you back from jumping in to retreat starting May 15th….send me a note.

And believe me, I know the stressful thoughts kicking in when you consider yourself asking for scholarship.

I’ve been there.

My thinking went like this:

• this so embarrassing that I don’t have the money to pay
• I’m a loser
• I can’t pull it together with money
• I have to be extra special appreciative or a really good ‘student’ if I ask for a cut in the fee
• I better get this work and SHOW somehow that I got it
• I better be grateful, I must show it was worth it to allow me to come at a lower fee
• I’m a mess with money
• I’ll never have enough
• my lack of finances shows how screwed up I am
• I will owe for this later
• I need to pay it back, whatever it takes
• I’m so dependent on others for money, jeez–what’s wrong with me
• I must need to fix my thinking about money and supply
• I’m so needy

OMG.

I had every single one of those thoughts.

And here’s the thing. I had these thoughts, and then my financial situation tanked even further and I had them even more, like the volume turned up on all of them–the orchestra was playing very loudly.

So much shame.

I really felt having no money meant I was lazy, unwilling or wrong.

My confidence was terrible and I had no trust in the process of life when it came to money.

It’s still a shaky process. I admit, I don’t always like to talk about money, I don’t always like to tell people what I charge (depending on what’s i my head that I’m projecting), and I’m frightened of appearing greedy or indulgent.

It’s like I have this deep belief that discussing money matters is very private and shameful, and kind of like I shouldn’t even mention it.

If you trust life, God, the universe, being here….then no you shouldn’t be concerned about money. Right?

Well, let’s question that thought. Because it’s very stressful.

You shouldn’t be concerned about your financial wellbeing, money coming in, money going out, having enough supply.

Is that true that you shouldn’t worry about it?

No.

I notice my first impulse sometimes is to worry. It’s too late, I worried. I notice there are brilliant reasons to be concerned. I don’t like not paying bills. I don’t like being late on rent. I don’t like not having enough food. I don’t like being unable to do something, go somewhere (sign up for a retreat) because of money AND I don’t like yelling at myself that I shouldn’t worry, when I do.

Can I absolutely know it’s true I shouldn’t be worrying about money?

No. The worry is present. My mind is imagining, sure, and that’s what it does.

How do you react when you believe you shouldn’t worry about money, be concerned with money, believe you don’t have enough money?

I hide my fears. I don’t ask for assistance. I pretend I’m fine.

My sweet husband says when we first started getting to know each other and spending time together, he had no idea that my bank account had plummeted and how much fear and terror I was in.

I don’t know if I was consciously trying to hide it, but I was. I’d think it was none of his business, and also that I didn’t want him to believe I was seeking financial help, or needy.

Yikes.

I admit I was in his business, and everyone else’s business. They shouldn’t know I was worried about money. NO ONE should know. Shameful!

It meant I was a failure and a loser.

So who would you be without the belief you shouldn’t worry about money, or let money stop you from doing something important, or have money be the reason you don’t move forward in your life, or try something different, or ask for help (like a partial scholarship)?

Without the belief, I noticed I asked for help. I told people I needed it. I asked what they would do in my situation.

When I did, people donated furniture, dishes, silverware, blue drinking glasses. My mother helped me, gave me support, said I could live in her basement (I never needed to). My kids went on free lunch at school and got two meals a day. (I still didn’t apply for food stamps which I would have qualified for).

One of my sisters gave me an interest-free loan for an entire year. Things looked dire for me, she took a risk in not being repaid.

A good friend sent me a newspaper article for low income families, because she knew my plight. It was about a special private fund created for kids in middle school that if they kept their grades up through their entire high school career, then they’d get free in-state tuition at any college. My son qualified and his entire freshman year was paid for by that fund.

And then there was all the generosity from workshop leaders and people giving me tuition reduction or trades for important activities and learning events. My new friend who ran a dance in Seattle gave me a set-up job so I could attend every week without paying since even $10 was hard (and that’s where I met my husband).

I took workshops in mindset, inquiry, meditation, small business growth, private practice, life coaching, leadership training, behavior science, psychology, stress reduction….things that build confidence and helped me find a way back to solid ground with money.

Every workshop I actually took, I received partial funding for, and I worked behind the scenes to help with tasks and do what they needed.

I asked people for help with job hunting and looked and looked and would feel like giving up and then look again. I became willing to work anywhere. (I loved the book How Starbucks Saved My Life by a midlife man, Michael Gates Gill, who lost everything in his privileged life and starting working for Starbucks).

Without the story of shame or fear about money, or about worrying about money….I notice I can talk about it much more easily (and that doesn’t mean it’s always and entirely easy. I still notice stressful thoughts arise).

I’ve also noticed how OK I am without money. Even feeling freedom in fact.

Money comes, goes, and I do not have the gripping fear I once had about it.

Wow. Sometimes, there’s nothing like not having money (or anything) to teach you how OK it is to not have it.

What freedom to be beyond the belief “I need it in order to be happy”.

Without the belief that I shouldn’t worry, ask, get concerned, wonder, talk about money….I catch myself and I question my thinking and notice what is OK in this moment now and also that I’m thirsty, so I go get some water.

There’s no shame in drinking water, I notice. There’s no shame in finding supply in the world for what’s needed.

Water…..yummy. So delicious.

Money…..so fun to trade for things like retreats and workshops and raincoats. So delicious.

I do notice that almost nothing is needed, (which is a powerful  inquiry in itself about needs) and all the fun on this playground of life, with money coming and going and no need to go nuts about it.

I notice the benefits of having none, how exciting and impractical and adventurous and fascinating. I notice the benefits of having money too, and how I’ve believed it protects me from having to ask for assistance (which I used to believe was failing).

“Run from what’s comfortable. Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious. I have tried prudent planning long enough. From now on I’ll be mad.” ~ Rumi

I destroyed my reputation as a person who had it all together with money in my life. I asked for help. I became a true student.

Who would you be without your story about worry and money and needs?

I notice without my story, I send out this message that I have space in the spring retreat and if your concern about attending is money, why not ask for some assistance?

I’ll be honest about what works. The retreat house does cost a lot so you contributing something seems right, and maybe that’s not even true without my story (haha).

Without my money story, I notice I need to write a big fat check today for this building project happening in my back yard, and that I’m not sure where all the funds are coming from that will pay for this project since the bid has gone over what was originally planned….and I seem to still write the check.

I’m amazed I can even write a check like this, considering my poverty ten years ago.

“The only place we can be happy is right here, right now–not tomorrow, not in ten minutes.  Happiness can’t be achieved.  We can’t get it from money or sex or fame or approval or anything on the outside.  We can only find happiness within us:  unchanging, immovable, ever-present, ever-waiting.  If we pursue it, it runs away.  If we stop pursuing it and question our minds instead, the source of all stress disappears.” ~ Byron Katie

Oh chuckle.

A thought popped in around money (again); it’s lack, scarcity, limits, and how I was wrong and should have planned or been more aware….

Dang, that whole thought system is very persistent, isn’t it?

I decided to sit down and inquire, in writing, even though part of my mind said “you’ve done this before already”.

The circumstance?

This new rental house, formerly owned by my first husband and father of my children who died last June, is now up for rent. My kids are keeping it, and my son has moved into the basement apartment with separate entrance and his own cool parking spot.

Excitedly, we posted the photos of the brand new paint, gorgeous blue deck, cleaned fireplaces, pretty bathroom, brand new soothing gray carpet, even some new beautiful light fixtures. The place is shining.

Signs up, learning about landlord life, and I have put a lot of time and support into helping my son and daughter take this on–my son especially really loved the idea of moving into his own basement apartment and out of his college town.

We analyzed the prices of other homes, picked something appealing in the middle to low-ish by comparison, and….

….crickets.

Well, a handful of lovely people have inquired. Two people even applied to move in.

And then they found out the basement apartment is occupied.

I felt a little dumb. Lightbulb went on.

DING!

This is a shared home situation. Everyone lives in the same 4 big walls, even if they never see one another. There’s shared laundry between two units. The big, beautiful upstairs has this one not-as-attractive point.

OH NO! 

My mind burst forth with images of recognizing this less-than-perfect issue of sharing a house, that the rent needs to be LOWER in price than you might normally think.

Internal thoughts: I did it wrong. I should have thought that through better. Now we’ve “wasted” two weeks and need to re-list. I have to change all the postings I’ve done–(can I remember all the places I posted)? It’s not as manageable for my son as expected. It’s going to be too much for him. Did we make a mistake? It’s not a good deal.

Jeez.

I sat with the inquiry, noticing when something unexpected happens with money where more is required than imagined….there’s fear.

What’s a deeper inquiry? I asked myself.

I’m believing this is dangerous, that there’s a threat. I’m believing in mistakes. I’m believing in suffering around support. I’m believing in “not enough”, or that soon there won’t be. I’m believing in lack of freedom.

Is any of that true? Seriously?

Is it better to have and keep money, get only what I expect, not ever have any surprises, or assume that if it doesn’t go as I thought it means a mistake has been made or it’s not a good deal?

REALLY? Do I want to keep believing this autopilot go-to thought when it comes to money that I can tell isn’t even true?

How do I react when I believe in danger of not having enough, later in the future (or my son or family not having enough)? How do I react when I believe it’s not a good deal anymore.

Afraid. Self-critical.

There’s the criticism zapping in again. “I” must be doing something wrong. “I” have to fix this ASAP.

When I believe the thought, it really, really matters what money is doing. It matters in that moment more than anything (I think).

It’s important enough to drop everything else (including my own peace) and focus on what to do to handle the situation well (change all the listings, lower the rent we’re asking, make a decision, worry).

So who would I be WITHOUT THIS BELIEF?

It’s immediate. But I’m also deeply committed to spending more time here in question four.

Who or what would I be? What would I notice? What is happening?

Here I am being, without my ideas about money coming and going and how it should behave, or that more is better than less. How does this feel? What is it like to sit here, without this ridiculous and stressful and worrisome belief?

If money were a romantic partner, I’d be instantly out of love with it with this recent discovery about the rent. I was criticizing it, ruminating, angry, pissy, panicking, considering myself abandoned (again), upset with me, upset with it.

Is that unconditional love?

Uh, No.

Did I ever love or appreciate the flow of money in the first place? Am I so self-concerned and all-about-me I’m willing to throw peace out the window in pursuit of “fixing” or “making” money do what I want it to do or provide what I expect it to provide?

Wow.

Talk about Control Central. Ego. Tight Fisted-ness. Insecurity.

Without the belief that money needs to be any different than it is being in this specific situation….I notice how secure I am.

I’m breathing, I’m here, I’m slightly amused, there’s no disaster.

Without the belief that money needs to be a certain way, it really doesn’t matter. I’m open. I relax.

Turning the thought around:

There is no problem here with money. There is no good deal or bad deal that ultimately matters to my life in any way. No disaster has occurred. No threat has entered my world. I’m breathing, sitting, noticing silence, watching images and pictures. There is no need for any money on any level in this precise moment now.

Turning it around on the local level, the little personal story level, the whole experience is full of learning, giving a home a big dose of TLC, offering a beautiful place to other people (what a tremendous service), aligning the price, doing this fun project with my young adult kids. This is a dance with the unfolding of an offering. I feel involved, making a difference, joyful with my kids, like a big grown up.

On the wide open impersonal level, there is just no problem here whatsoever.

Except for a thought….NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. There was insight, more data coming in.

What if this was the absolutely perfect time and way it should all unfold? Not a moment sooner or later for each piece in this process of a project coming to life?

It gives me this amazing moment to do The Work again on a persistent fear of lack, not-enoughness, and sit quietly in question four.

Who would I be without the possibility of Not Enough?

Totally trying new things, amazed at creativity and possibility that’s happened with this house renting thing. Watching things come one day at a time, not too fast or too much. No planning or hand-wringing about the future needed, or regrets in the past.

Turning the thought around again: My thinking is a problem, in this situation (not money). My own thinking is threatening me (about the future especially), my thinking was a good deal, then became not a good deal. I haven’t been loving with my thinking, especially when it comes to money doing its dance.

…Begin to notice the laws of generosity, the laws of letting money go out fearlessly and come back fearlessly. You don’t ever need more money than you have. When you understand this, you begin to realize that you already have all the security you wanted money to give you in the first place. It’s a lot easier to make money from this position. ~ Byron Katie

 

Noticing this moment and how wonderful it is, how full and incredible….and what a gift.

Nothing more required.

If you’d like to sit in inquiry on beliefs that are especially persistent stress-inducers….then retreat is an amazing place to do The Work.

I find every retreat, the time spent allows the clarity to rise up.

We’re honoring our thinking, staying present, using the mind to wonder who we’d be without our thought, finding turnarounds, imagining living them. No distractions or avoiding.

Spring Retreat has room and it’s only a month away! Book a room if you like (two king size bedrooms left) and stay onsite. Everything supported so you can do your work. 

• Spring Retreat in The Work May 15-19, 2019. Meditate, Inquire, Dance, Walk, Silence, Sharing. Register here.
• Eating Peace Process Online Brand New Version. Same principles, delivered better. Lifetime access. May 1-August 15, 2019
• April 14th half-day retreat at my cottage
• June 27th East West Books evening 7-9 pm.
• June 12-16, 2019 Breitenbush Retreat with Tom Compton
• Summer Camp for The Mind Online Inquiry
• Divorce Is Hell 8 week course Aug 18-October 13, 2019 Sundays 11 am PT/ 7 pm UK with Nadine Ferris France
• Year of Inquiry begins Sept 8, 2019–a whole year of monthly topics in The Work, and sharing inquiry together

This Sunday afternoon 2-6 pm….Mini Retreat in The Work. This is the last short gathering like this at my own home this year, and maybe forever.

I have gotten so very, very full on week days, and teaching longer retreats five times a year, it seems the natural way of it to reduce the little Sunday gatherings. (I’ll be at East West Books on Thursday, June 27th for a shorter thing 7-9 pm).

One of the things I’ve adored about a 4 hour gathering, is that when you’re familiar with The Work, there’s nothing like a time set aside to sit in inquiry and sort something out in your life that feels like a problem. It’s so precious to have the whole afternoon.

What’s amazing to so many of us, and still is to me honestly, is that this is ultimately all we need to begin to work out a pattern, an issue, a difficulty, some kind of trouble about life.

The mind says “Really? That’s it? Answer four questions? Seriously?”

Aren’t you just sitting with you-yourself-and-I? Don’t we need some kind of teacher, wisdom, friend or message from the heavens to help us figure out the answers to our problems?

Funny the mind will think it’s not enough.

It can’t be here, the answers I’m looking for. Oh no. It can’t be inside the very problem I’m looking to get rid of, right?

Can’t we just….do something fun like watch a movie or eat, drink, smoke, ignore What Is? If I have to sit down, with other people around especially, and look at my judgmental thoughts, it will be excruciating.

Sigh.

What’s funny is it seems the mind will do anything but open to sit with itself, and the thoughts it’s agonizing over, and answer four questions.

At least that’s the way it seems my mind has been, heh heh.

Just for today, though, let’s look at a global thought that’s very stressful and even frightening.

I can’t figure this out.

You know the thing you can’t figure out? That one.

Hold it in your mind. See the images of you not figuring it out. Maybe there’s another person who always drives you nuts. Or a habit you have of hurting yourself (like I did with eating and body image) or you don’t have enough time, money, success, patience.

You can’t figure it out.

Is it true?

Yes.

Are you absolutely 100% sure for all time that you can’t…right now in this moment?

No. Well, maybe. I don’t know. OK, no. I can’t absolutely know.

How do you react when you believe you can’t?

Hopeless. Screwed. Angry. Sad. Mad at myself, and the situation and confused about all the parts involved and what’s going on. I’m trying so hard! And not only can I not figure it out….there’s a list of other things I can’t figure out either.

Arrrrggggggghhhhh.

Pause. Breathe.

So, who would you be without your story of this “problem” that you can’t figure out, and the YOU that can’t do it?

In this moment, wherever you are as you read these words, feel your feet and notice the space around you. I hear the voice of Byron Katie saying “are you OK?” as she does with inquirers sometimes.

You’re alive. A non-verbal current of life.

I love this feeling of sinking into the body. Nothing to do, no problems to solve, nowhere to go, stillness. Something can possibly change right now, in this quiet stillness.

This sensation is often a first place to go with question four (who would you be without your thought you can’t figure it out) but then really considering reality:

What if you aren’t in charge, and you aren’t supposed to figure it out the way you assume you should? And what if figuring it out looks like relaxing and NOT exactly figuring it out the way you thought you were going to? What if you simply respond to what happens, and dance with it, and notice you’re aware? What if that is actually “figuring” it out?

Even if you’re dying of a disease supposedly. I know that’s dramatic. But even then. What if there was no future, no past, and only this moment here now? Could that have a quality of figuring something out to it?

Why not?

What if I am not supposed to figure out HOW, in this whole entire moment, to make enough money, clean the house, stop obsessing or thinking with drama, lose weight, talk to that friend, deal with my mother, run a marathon, fix the roof, fill the seats, help my child, sell my artwork, hire the handyman, save for retirement, get enlightened, apply for a job, get a raise, find a partner.

I mean, that’s such a relief, right? How could any of that, or even the one thing you’re wanting to resolve a particular way….get resolved in that exact particular way, with “figuring” going on?

Or, let the mind figure. It loves to figure.

Are you still OK, even if it’s busy figuring over there (up there)?

Turning the thought around: I CAN figure it out. “I” can figure it out. “I” doesn’t need to figure it out, actually. When “I” is a wide open life force, a space, a current of energy…..not the “I” who is “the one who needs to figure something out”. No figuring necessary.

Turning it around again: Figuring it out can “I”. I know that’s a bit weird. But it’s a reverse of the energy. Instead of “me” with my brain trying to hard to get somewhere, through figuring….what if it’s just as true or truer that this figuring thing can get absorbed into the mysterious “I”?

I can figure it out. Nothing more required. Nothing missing.

I love the movement of figuring can include the wisdom of simply being, the “I”, the unidentifiable sense of life force, the being here. Just here.

“This moment is not life waiting to happen, goals waiting to be achieved, words waiting to be spoken, connections waiting to be made, regrets waiting to evaporate, aliveness waiting to be felt, enlightenment waiting to be gained. No. Nothing is waiting. This is it. This moment is life.” ~ Jeff Foster