Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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Go Towards The Dark

The study of Addiction; how it happens, what we mean by it, how we know we’re addicted, and how to find peace beyond it, is an interest humanity has had for centuries.

At a basic level, Addiction can be defined as a compulsive urge to escape the present moment, to escape feelings that rise.

A wonderful author and psychologist who has worked with people recovering from addiction for 30 years, Frederick Woolverton, describes any addictive process, no matter what the substance or activity, as an attempt to avoid internal darkness.

I remember Adyashanti saying at a retreat once that we’re all addicted to our thinking, we are all Addicts. We’re all addicted to distracting ourselves, forgetting about ourselves for awhile. To getting away from that pesky dark, emptiness we notice.

OH DEAR. Does this mean I have to go towards the darkness? Like, not AVOID it? But. That’s scary.

In our Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass this week a thoughtful participant offered the troubling concept “I need to control my emotions”.

I used to live with this belief under the surface of every interaction I had with others; going to work, studying, being with my parents, talking with friends.

All would be fine if my emotions were in check, if I didn’t actually feel anything dramatic, powerful, intense…if I didn’t feel scared, angry or sad. Then life was easy. Things were peaceful, simple, pleasant, fun or exciting.

But OH NO if I felt any fear over about a 2 on a scale of 0-10, or any sadness over a 4 on that same scale, or any anger more than a 1 on the scale of 0-10….then the need for a substance to help stop the feeling would come along. I couldn’t seem to close off the feeling on my own. “I need to control my emotions…I need to shut this down.”

How did I control my emotions? Why, by eating of course. Stuffing, shoving, cramming food in with a vengeance, with a force that was VERY ANGRY. I would also smoke cigarettes, having a quiet moment with them instead of actually expressing my deepest feelings to a human.

Drinking alcohol also served a purposed in changing feelings and thoughts. It would derail sadness and fear, kind of like switching theaters in the middle of an intense and troubling movie.

The problem is, while it appeared that I was doing everything I possibly could to control my emotions, they would pop up like geysers at Yellowstone. I’d run to plug up the fountain of emotion spewing out, only to have a new one pop up the next day 100 yards away.

It was a lot of work to avoid feeling big feelings, to avoid internal darkness.

Fortunately, the addictive process offers an unsatisfying and temporary solution. It also has really painful side effects….like horrible physical sickness or spending lots of money. There is no lasting peace whatsoever. It makes people wake up to wanting another way to live.

I found that through exploration and study of this amazing process of addiction, of giving myself a break from the attempt to control what was inside of me all the time, to be willing to stick with the internal darkness that haunted me, and to speak honestly to other people about it….the addictive processes stopped.

The good news is that just a drop of Willingness to be aware of what is happening inside of you, of being open to it instead of afraid of it, puts you on the path towards ending the annoying cycle of glimpsing darkness and trying to run away from it.

“Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain…you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain.”~ Eckhart Tolle

It can feel really difficult at first, when the addictive process you’re in doesn’t actually work anymore. When you stop using the substance or pattern, you may feel panicky or raw, or super-hyper sensitive. Your pain may now be sitting there totally exposed.

You may decide to look at the opposite to the concepts you’ve had before about your emotions. “I need to stop controlling my emotions, I need to feel everything, I need to share what I’m feeling authentically, I need to face my greatest pain…”

You may have to trust others who have gone before you….even if they’re saying “Go Towards The Dark!”  

It’s worth it.

Love, Grace

 

Click Here to register for any fall class.

 

Horrible Food Wonderful Food – Tuesdays, Sept 18-Nov 13, 2012, 8:15-9:45 am Pacific (no class 10/30)

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven – Saturdays, Sept 22-Nov 17, 2012 8 – 9:30 am PT (no class 10/27) 

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Fridays, Sept 21-Nov 16, 2012 10-11:30 am PT (class one time on Thursday 10/25, no class 11/2)

Money, Work and Business – Thursdays, Sept 27- Nov 15, 2012, 8-9:30 am Pacific Time (no class 11/1)

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The Body Games

A very common experience of being in the human body is to criticize it, think it needs improvement. This body is too old, too round, too slow, too sick, too scarred, it hurts too much, too fat, too ugly, too wrinkled, too bumpy, too imperfect.

Olympic athletes are those of us humans who are zoning in on maximum human capacity for precision, speed, grace, power. By comparison, this group appears to be out there on the edge of the curve, the closest to perfect. Everyone shows up at the same place to compete, to do their absolute best. To win.

The thing is, it’s called the Olympic GAMES. But to a lot of people competing, or watching, it might not be a game exactly. At least it’s not fun. It’s REALLY SERIOUS.

I remember reading when I was a kid about the original Olympic Games being a fight to the death. That does seem quite serious.

Looking at our bodies for some of us becomes extremely life-and-death oriented. I see the flaws, I grip against that picture. I hate it. I decide to fix it, I’ll do anything to bring it up to More Perfect.

Samsara is the word in Sanskrit used for the activity of humans perceiving reality with an agitated or unsettled mind. A continuous flow of birth and death, never ending. Like being trapped in a strange and very creative dream where life repeats itself in different forms endlessly; suffering, achieving, ecstasy, devastation. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

The idea enters for many of us, just like the ancient religions, that it would be nice to get off the treadmill of happy-sad, good-bad. To get past it somehow, feel peaceful and non-reactive to everything.

This includes this body. It gets injured, it changes, it ages, but I long to accept it anyway, to not be affected by its changes like when I’m believing it’s a matter of life or death and it’s freakin’ Very Serious.

But that’s easy to say, not so easy to actually do. Right?

I heard Adyashanti speak once of Samsara as being Closed.

Samsara is a movement AWAY from what is actually happening. It means I don’t like it, I want it to change, I find it unpleasant….I’m against or I want to avoid this person, this thing, this event, this situation. I want to avoid having an imperfect body.

To be truly open to this body, to let go of wanting it to be different…wow, that’s an amazing feat. But possible. Very possible!

In fact, even being willing to let go of wanting it to be different, is an amazing thing to experience.

I remember discovering that I imagined that if I didn’t have the thought that my body needed improvement, then it might become worse. Uglier, repulsive, sick, inadequate…dead.

I believed I had to keep the thought that the body needs to be improved, or else DISASTER. No winning the GAMES! Not even a chance.

What I found, however, was that the body runs itself in the most amazing way, without my improvement plan, without my criticism, without my harping, my judgment, my energy, my hatred, my anger, or my control or planning. This body lives, without me living in Samsara with it.

My critical thinking is not actually necessary for the body to be wonderful as it is. In fact, less thinking about the body has led to greater enjoyment of it.

Kind of like the world. It runs without my opinion. And I find it’s more peaceful the less I give an opinion, the less I judge it and criticize it.

The more Open I am to each moment, to every person I encounter, to the image I see in the mirror, the more power I actually have to facilitate change, beauty, clarity. Now how funny is that?!

The more I see it really as a GAME, a fun game, not a serious matter of life-or-death, the more I accomplish, the more I create.

“Governing a large country is like frying a small fish. You spoil it with too much poking. Center your country in the Tao an evil will have no power. Not that it isn’t there, but you’ll be able to step out of its way. Give evil nothing to oppose and it will disappear by itself”~ Tao te Ching #60

Governing this body, I spoil it with too much mental poking. Criticism and comparison is all around in my consciousness, in the magazines with picture of models, in the news with pictures of amazing athletes. But I can step out of the way. I don’t oppose this body, I don’t attack it for being the way it is, and the hatred of it disappears.

At the moment of the performance, in the Olympics or otherwise, I am so much more in the flow without poking. I only get there by questioning what I think is true. By not believing it is True that this body isn’t good enough, all is empty around me, unknown, mysterious. A Fun Game.

Love, Grace

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You Don’t Need More Money

Money is such a fascinating topic, so many opposing thoughts and ideas. Most of us feel pretty sure we want more of it. More is better. Less is worse.

Inquiring around money, I have found, offers so much awareness about Wanting and Not Wanting, it has the kernel of understanding everything about my perception of life. Wow! Really? Yes, really.

Here is this thing called Money. I use it to trade for other stuff. I like the stuff. I like books, fixing my broken bathroom, and going on retreat. I like taking classes, buying gifts for people, and buying groceries for my family.

The Money itself is not stressful. It just sits there, being itself. I have found that I don’t like it when there’s distance between Me and Money. There is something I want, and I don’t have enough money to trade for it.

Turning this entire belief around that there is distance between me and money, I sit with the experience that there is NO DISTANCE between us. How could that possibly be, when it appears there is no money in my bank account (in the amount I prefer) or no money in my pocket?

Here’s when it gets really fun. What do you think you need money for in the first place? What do you really truly feel distant from, if it’s not money? Joy? Relaxation? Connection with people? Adventure? Happiness? Security?

Are you absolutely sure you can’t experience joy, relaxation, connection, adventure, happiness or security in this moment? Are you sure you need something more?

What if your only project is to see what life is like right here and right now with exactly the amount of money you have. You may have the privilege of having no money at all. Can you notice that joy is possible anyway?

I remember doing The Work on “I can’t afford to travel”. When I turned the thought around realized what kind of Adventures I could go on, right in my own city. There were huge areas of the city I had never explored before. Shops in China Town I had never been in, houses I had never even seen, street names I had no idea were even in my city.

“When you’ve become a total success in business and have more money than you could ever spend, what are you going to have? Happiness? Isn’t that why you wanted money? Let’s take a shortcut that can last a lifetime. Answer this question: who would you be without the story ‘My future depends on making a lot of money?’ Happier. More relaxed. With or without the money. You’d have everything you wanted money for in the first place.”~ Byron Katie 

I notice when I feel connected to money, like it’s my best friend and we are having fun together. I don’t have the thoughts that it’s not giving me enough attention, it should stay with me and never leave, I need to think about it all the time (Obsessive!) or scheme to figure out how to manipulate it into sticking with me.

I call that a troubled relationship. I’ve had those before. They aren’t very much fun.

“If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never truly be fulfilled. If you happiness depends on money, you will never be happy with yourself. Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” ~ Tao te Ching #44

To really let this sink in, I find examples of how there is nothing missing here that I would need money to acquire.

I am supported by this couch I sit on, I have friends all over the place right here and in countries everywhere (!), I have a computer, streets to walk on, trees to sit under….I have piles of books to read, a gorgeous day ahead of me, food filling up my refrigerator, a telephone.

Rejoice in the way it is right now. Even if you have lost “everything” and have no money. You get to see the bare bones of what you do have. You get to slow down, to stop. Air to breathe. Ground to sit on. A bite to eat, a glass of water. A place to lie down.

WITH the thought that I NEED more money: I am sad, in an empty cell like a jail, life looks bleak or frightening, I crawl into a fetal position and wait…tense, unhappy.

WITHOUT the thought that I need more money: WOW. There is stuff everywhere. Wealth, riches, colors, amazement, infinite possibilities, excitement, peace.

Love, Grace

 

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He Should Change

Anthony deMello, the wonderful Jesuit priest and author, wrote that he has news that is VERY GOOD:  none of us has to do anything to change. In fact, he said, the more you do, the worse it gets.

All we really need to do is understand ourselves.

We’re about to spend some time doing this starting Thursday, in the teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven. We look at relationships with ANYONE: spouse, parent, child, boss, colleague, employee.

Just like doing The Work of Byron Katie, there is no list of what you should do in order to change…in fact in a very careful, measured way, the suggestion of inquiry is to study the pain, like scientists studying ants or other strange insects.

So, I found myself thinking about someone who I have found troubling. When I think about him, I notice negative feelings inside. These feelings are inside ME, not inside HIM. So who is the one suffering with the negative experience here?

Step number one is to see what I’m thinking, what I think is true, what I repeat to myself over and over again when I think about this person:

  • he should get his life together
  • he should stop drinking
  • he’s deceptive, lying and manipulative

The only way I could have these kinds of thoughts and feelings is if I expected something different. I see fault, I see need for improvement, I see a more Perfect Image hanging over the person’s head.

I am actually demanding that the person change. They should be a little different, or a LOT different, than they are. The bigger the painful thoughts, the more demands I have, and vice versa. The bigger the emotion, the farther I see that person from their perfect possibility in my mind.

What is the common denominator in every experience I’ve ever had where there is a Problem? Hmmm, gosh…. Just one common element that is present, every time I experience stress, every time I see something missing or something not quite up to snuff?

What is it that is always present, every time I think about that annoying person? ME!

I am always present when I see a problem. Everything else, in fact, changes. People come and go, issues are different, concerns are new or old…but every time I see a problem, oops, there I am.

“In a genuine relationship, there is an outward flow of open, alert attention toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever.”~ Eckhart Tolle

 Just imagine that person who you are judging and defining as less-than-perfect as instead someone who you want nothing for, and nothing from, at all. No wanting whatsoever.

There they are, shining their star (as a wonderful wise friend used to say to me). There they are, doing their thing. I can spend time with them, or not.

I turn everything around that I think, doing The Work:

  • I should get my life together, especially when it comes to analyzing other peoples’ lives
  • I should stop being addicted to my thinking that there is a problem with others
  • I am deceptive, lying, and manipulative, especially when I’m thinking I’m Miss Innocent or I try to act like I’m accepting, when I’m not

“No person on earth has the power to make you unhappy.”~Anthony deMello

 Do The Work and get free from that unhappiness! And if you need some group support to help you, join fellow travelers in the teleclass on Thursdays for the next 8 weeks, 10am-11:30 am Pacific time.

Love, Grace

Click Here to register for the Thursday class!

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Falling Off A Cliff Is Exciting

Sometime last year, I was startled at the sight of the cover of National Geographic.

It was a photo of a young man standing on a very thin ledge at Yosemite National Park in the US. This ledge rested in the middle of a massive face of rock called Half Dome, hundreds of feet from the ground, hundreds of feet from the top.

The young man had no ropes, no equipment of any kind.

I guess in the world of rock climbers, at some point someone had the thought “Gosh, I’d be able to climb Half Dome FASTER without all these annoying ropes and safety devices”. It’s called Free Climbing.

Now, many people would consider this a huge risk, even crazy.

I kept thinking about the photo. I was inside that body on the cliff, looking down at my shoes barely fitting on the ledge, looking out at pure space and air. It would only take one small movement, grabbing at an edge that broke or moved, the foot moving 3 centimeters off good support, and the body could fall to the death.

The nervous part of me was alarmed. I didn’t mind that the climbers were achieving these feats, but something got stirred up when standing right in the shoes of that man on the cliff.

Where would the body land if it fell–would other friends and fellow-climbers be standing right there at the bottom? What would they see? What would the fall be like on the way down?

For some the images can be so frightening just to imagine death, accidents, terror….we only have to see a photo. The reaction isn’t as far as we think from being in the middle of the actual event.

But, it’s only truly terrifying when we start believing that this image is TERRIBLE. The worst that could happen: Death is horrifying. I need to preserve my life. I need to be careful. Everyone should be careful, especially children. I need to live. That guy on the cliff shouldn’t die until he’s older.

The thing is, being afraid of what COULD happen is really only a story about what has already happened in the past and deciding that the story is BAD.

No one really knows exactly and precisely what happens the second we’re falling, dying, the moments after, everything beyond that moment. There may be people who return from that experience of “dying” to live and who have stories to tell, but even that is THEIR experience, not ours from this body’s perspective. It’s a great Mystery, absolutely unknown.

“What I love most about reality is that it’s always the story of a past. And what I love most about the past is that it’s over. And because I’m no longer insane, I don’t argue with it. Arguing with it feels unkind inside me. Just to notice what is, is love.” ~Byron Katie

So what IS reality? Some people love to move their bodies up a cliff and feel the joy, power, expression, the urge to GO, to focus, to stay in the perfect flow, to play, to win, to try. Some of these people “fall” off the cliff and their bodies die.

I see that people die at every age, in every circumstance you could ever dream of. Young, old, taking risks, taking no risk at all.

Without the terror of death or accidents, I notice that today I feel excited, adventurous, peaceful, happy, in the flow. I notice it’s fun to take risks, ones just right for me. I notice I’m having so much fun in so many areas, I have no interest in climbing cliffs, and yet today could be my last in this body, it’s totally possible.

I notice what a Playground this place is, people running all over the place taking all kinds of rides. When I feel uncertainty, anxiety, worry when thinking about the young man on the cliff, I write my concepts down and investigate them. I have to stop and slow down to do this. Are they really absolutely true?

Death comes along. We’ll all get to participate in the adventure. That’s Reality. “It doesn’t wait for our vote, our permission, or our opinion—-have you noticed? ~BK

If I were to fall off a cliff today, it seems most wonderful if I felt joy doing whatever I was doing in the moment before falling, even during the actual fall. Relaxed, thrilled, entering the Mystery. Knowing nothing about what will happen next. Because I actually don’t.

Love, Grace

P.S. If you register today, July 23rd at 9:00 pm Pacific time, you can still join Our Wonderful Sexuality even though we’ve met once (but that’s the deadline). Horrible Food Wonderful Food has room for one if you register by Thursday, July 26 at 9:00 pm Pacific, and on July 26th at 10:00 am the fabulous Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven will begin, to look at an important relationship in your life and where it was, or currently is, troubling.

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Egos Wanted For Hazardous Journey

While reading recently, I came across a wonderful reprint of a 1913 Help Wanted Ad written by the famous explorer Sir Ernest Shackleton:

MEN WANTED for Hazardous Journey, Small wages, bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful. Honor and recognition in case of success.

I laughed as I thought of what a Help Wanted ad would look like for the spiritual journey surrendering to What Is:

EGOS WANTED for Hazardous Journey, zero wages, bitter emptiness, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, confusion and discomfort, safe return impossible. Honor and recognition will mean nothing after success. 

Jed McKenna, author of Spiritual Enlightenment The Damndest Thing(and two other great books) says, if we only knew beforehand what it would be like to wake up to reality, we would run the other direction without looking back.

This is from the perspective of the ME, though. The one that wants what it wants when it wants it. The one afraid of death, physical ailments, mean people, earthquakes, starvation, losing.

If I had gotten My Own Way then I would have the powers offered in most fairy tales since the first stories were told: I could snap my fingers and have material objects appear, I could wiggle my nose and put spells on people, I would be able to fly like Wonder Woman.

Most of all, if I ruled the world, there would be no suffering. I have my list of what involves suffering and what causes it, and I would eliminate those things.

However, as Byron Katie says, I don’t get a vote. God did not actually ask for MY opinion on how to run the Universe.

“The ego’s plan for salvation centers around holding grievances. It maintains that, if someone else spoke or acted differently, if some external circumstance or event were changed, you would be saved….The change of mind necessary for salvation is thus demanded of everyone and everything except yourself.”~A Course In Miracles

It is actually, ironically (for the me-centered little self) a great relief, a peace beyond anything I ever imagined, to let go of anything being anyone else’s fault. Inside the center of us all there is an empty beauty, a mysterious, joyful excitement. Happiness.

“The Tao doesn’t take sides; it gives birth to both good and evil. The Master doesn’t take sides; she welcomes both saints and sinners. The Tao is like a bellows: it is empty yet infinitely capable. The more you use it, the more it produces; the more you talk of it, the less you understand. HOLD ON TO THE CENTER”. ~ Tao Te Ching #5

Come join the Hazardous Journey. Let’s face it, you already have. Might as well accept it….it’s more fun that way.

Love, Grace

 

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Oh Goodie, I’m Stuck!

Feeling stuck somewhere in your life can feel excruciating.

  • I’m stuck thinking about the same thing over and over and I wish I could forget it
  • I can’t resolve my relationship with my partner
  • I can’t accept my boss, she’s too annoying
  • My career is boring, I want to retire, but I have no other work
  • I won’t ever find a mate, I’m stuck being alone
  • I’m never going to be satisfied with my unhealthy body
  • I have to have money to be happy
  • I’m stuck being unenlightened, I’m not happy

I heard a zen koan story once that went something like this: a man is holding on to a branch of a tree which hangs over a cliff with his teeth. His hands are tied behind his back. The zen master teacher says “say the one thing that will save you”.

The man is stuck. There is no way out. He is going to die, it is just a matter of when.

The mind loves to try to figure it out and find the answer. It says “there must be another way….there must be a way out and I’m just not seeing it yet. There must be something I can do, a new technique, a special practice, there must be a clue….I’m sure that I am not actually stuck! Not really!”

The feeling that comes with these thoughts of being totally and completely stuck can be so depressing, full of despair.

Once on a meditation retreat I said to the teacher Adyashanti “I can’t stand it, I’ve tried everything” and he said “Congratulations”.

Nothing to do, nothing to find. Just stop.

So I look at my thoughts which feel the most despairing, the ones that feel trapped. I inquire if this is really bad, the way I’m presuming.

It’s terrible that I keep thinking about the same trauma or person over and over again, is that true? I wish I could forget it, is that absolutely true?

I can’t resolve it, accept it, make peace with it, whatever it is…is that really true? I don’t truly understand life, I haven’t reached enlightenment and I should. Is that really true?

I will never be happy with this stuck, repetitive thinking. I will never be peaceful in this situation. I have to get out of here.

What if I turned the thought around? “Being stuck is awesome, fantastic, brilliant, perfect”.

What are examples of this?

  • I stop pushing and demanding an answer
  • I relax in my body and welcome all my thinking
  • I say “oh goodie, I am stuck” and this feels really different
  • I feel how big the universe and reality is, so much bigger than me, and feel a trust that it knows what it’s doing
  • It’s OK not to get how to fix my predicament, I let it be here to discover what it’s here for
  • I just sit, I’m silent
  • I don’t have to be unhappy about being “stuck”

Letting go of the branch of the tree that I’m holding onto with my teeth doesn’t look bad at all when death, the inevitable, is a good thing.

Letting go and relaxing is fine when I stop believing that being stuck is terrible, dreadful and depressing.

“Unhappiness is the belief in the wrongness of being. To be unhappy is to feel that you are wrong to be who you are.” ~ Bruce Di Marsico

Whatever you are thinking, welcome it. It’s here for your inquiry.

With love, Grace

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I Can’t Stand Their Fighting!

One of the most profound areas of torture for many people is in the realm of parenting.

One of my favorite graduate school psychology professors said “the key to being successful in parenting is being willing to be hated”. 

This morning a thoughtful and brilliant client came to our session having written down all her judgments about her two daughters hitting each other, ages six and eight. There they were at the kitchen table, and one of them lunges at the other, who then punches the first in the face.

The mother, my client, then screamed.

Sometimes it may feel like the biggest emotional moments are right in the presence of our children. That has been the case for me, just like this dear client.

It’s really quite funny LATER, to look back at the scene. And looking back is a very necessary step, frame by frame, for the inquiry process. Getting curious about what bugged me most of all, why I “lost it” in that moment, why I “couldn’t take it anymore”.

Once when my children were much younger than they are now, early in inquiry, they were bickering in the back seat of the car while I was driving. I could feel the geyser of anger coming from the center of my stomach….oh no, here it is!

What are the painful thoughts in that moment? You don’t even have to be a parent really to identify these kinds of thoughts. Imagine yourself in a situation where children are yelling, fighting, hitting, calling each other names….maybe you’ve even seen that in a movie.

(Yes, I know, adults appear to do these things too).

  • They should not yell
  • It is too noisy
  • They should treat each other with respect
  • This noise has to STOP
  • There is nothing I can do
  • Here is an example of the selfishness of human nature
  • I could get hurt if I intervene
  • I’m a terrible mother/father!
  • I need to know what to do!!!!!

To work with this moment as if it has something incredible to offer, an understanding, rather than just wanting to get away from those loud, mean children, or make them stop, is an entirely different experience of this moment.

“See if you can catch yourself complaining in either speech or thought, about a situation you find yourself in, what other people do or say, your surroundings, your life situation, even the weather. To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness”. ~Eckhart Tolle 

Instead of feeling like a victim of these people who are fighting in my presence, I write down my beliefs. They are ones that have been passed along from generation to generation before me, what children should or should not do, how they should or should not be, and what it means that these children, who are apparently MINE (question this) are behaving this way.

What is the most frightening thing that could happen if they keep fighting?

My client answered immediately: they will hate each other always, they will refuse to return home for Thanksgiving, I will be a grandma without my daughters here together, they will not support each other when I’m gone.

Can we really know that it’s true that these hitting children are full of rage that will last for years? What if there is nothing to be afraid of? What if I am enough, I can do what needs to be done, even if I’m not sure what it is?

What if they should yell, it is not too noisy, they are naturally respectful, the noise does not have to stop. What if this is an example of the passion and love in human nature, and that I won’t get hurt if I intervene.

“In spite of the seven thousand books of expert advice, the right way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers and… mothers.  Only your grandmother and Ghengis Khan know how to do it”.  ~Billy Cosby

All I can do when I feel upset with children is, go back and look again, after the emotion has passed. What do I believe about this scene, this situation? Inquire and learn. Either we believe our thoughts or we don’t. Believing them keeps the pattern running. Questioning takes the intensity right out of it.

You don’t need to know what to do. Just question your thinking.

With love, Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-person Workshop Saturday and Sunday

June 2-3, 2012 in Seattle, Washington

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Not Hiding My Violence And Pain

This morning I was reading from Loving What Is, Byron Katie’s book about The Work and how she discovered it. There are many dialogues of people with whom Katie did the Work in the second half of the book.

I randomly opened the pages to a man who is very angry at his uncle for advising him poorly on the stock market.

What an amazing story to question, the thought patterns which say “that person should not have told me what they told me”. Or the opposite, “they should have told me something different, something better…”

  • My friend shouldn’t have told me that insulting joke
  • My dad should have told me why he was depressed
  • The man I was dating shouldn’t have told me I wasn’t his type
  • My grandfather should have told me how to make money
  • My grandmother shouldn’t have told me she was lonely
  • My co-worker shouldn’t have told me she didn’t trust me
  • That doctor shouldn’t have told me the mole was nothing to worry about

This morning in our teleclass Horrible Food Wonderful Food a participant selected the thought to bring to inquiry “I needed her to tell me not to hide my eating”.

How amazing to get an idea of who we would be without the thought that anyone should have said something different than what they have said so far. Or that we needed them to help us. Or that they should have said more.

What if we were ourselves, following advice, not following it, hearing their words, noticing the reactions inside of us….wanting just what we wanted (like cookies) without feeling shame, guilty, desperation, anger, sadness.

I have loved doing The Work on the concept “they shouldn’t have said that!” I bring the situation I’m most upset about to mind. There the person is, speaking. Words are coming out of her mouth. Her face is red. Her eyes are squinting.

Right in that moment, I remember what felt so terrifying about her speaking, the way her face looked. I remember what I thought it meant about me or about them, or the world, that was very stressful.

  • She hates me, I hurt her, I’m bad, I should have done it differently
  • Doctors can’t be trusted, bad things can happen to me
  • I did something wrong
  • My grandmother is suffering and I can’t help her
  • My grandfather didn’t think I was good enough to make money
  • My dad doesn’t think I’m good to talk with about his inner life
  • My friend is making fun of me
  • I am unattractive, ugly

When I do The Work, I not only find acceptance of what everyone has said or not said, I also find that I can find examples of how it was an advantage for me that it went just exactly the way it went.

So the man working with Katie saw his list of demands that he wanted from his uncle, and as he looked at every demand, he discovered that he was the only one who could really give him what he needed or wanted. Not his uncle.

I give myself the gift of the turnaround “I need to tell myself not to hide my eating“. I need to tell myself it is OK to be me, not hiding my behavior, my thinking, my feelings.

I tell people about my story of being bulimic for ten years, going on these episodes of crazed eating so much food it was amazing I could hold it, and then forcing myself to vomit. That I was borderline anorexic for two years, controlling every bite that went in my mouth (which was very little) and deciding I would simply never respond to hunger, ever.

I tell people of my terrible violent relationship with food and eating and how that is now over. I tell people that I eat whatever I want now, whenever I want to eat it. Sometimes I have a moment where I think I ate too much but it’s rare, sometimes I have a moment where I think I’m too hungry and “I can’t stand it” but it’s rare. Sometimes I look at my darling fiance’s bottle of coke and I think “he shouldn’t drink that” but then I laugh.

I know what to do the minute I feel anxiety or pain or discouragement of any kind. I see what it is I am believing, first, and then take it to inquiry.

“There is no such thing as verbal abuse. There’s only someone telling me a truth that I don’t want to hear. If I were really able to hear my accuser, I would find my freedom…..If your uncle says something that hurts, he’s just revealed what you haven’t wanted to look at yet.” ~ Byron Katie

Our mothers and fathers and all the people around us with their explanations and ideas about food, or stock tips, all these people with their intense feelings and words…maybe they are God in disguise. Giving us everything we need or don’t need for our freedom.

With love, Grace

Sign up for The Work With Grace in Seattle on June 2-3

The Hidden Gift in ANY Relationship

June 27 – July 1 in the glorious Breitenbush Hotsprings Resort in Oregon! Please register at www.breitenbush.com.

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Mothers And Forgiveness

Today I have been thinking (again) about Mothers and Forgiveness.

I used to be frustrated with the idea of forgiveness. It seemed like forgiving meant saying it was OK that bad, mean, awful things happened and I should grin and bear it. Or I should rise above that and be a better person.

Forgiving was a sort of dangerous concept. If I “forgave” then I would be setting myself up for getting hurt again. I might get crucified…like Jesus.

No, forgiveness was not going to be for me. I’d rather resent, protect, make sure I could defend myself, and stay away forever from the source of the pain….whoever it was. It was better knowing exactly who the enemy was. And it wasn’t me!

And while we’re at it, I must NEVER FORGET what happened. I would never get fooled again into being the victim.

Of course, we’ll overlook the fact that I have to be vigilant, careful, nervous, anxious, sad, enraged or distrustful every time I think about the “perpetrator”.

The last and 8th session of Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven just occurred yesterday (and won’t start again until July). Each and every class is like a treasure box, all the participants doing the most amazing, thoughtful work from their own sweet, amazing lives.

The power of the group working together is so incredible!

It’s a microcosm of the deepest support in life, all of us journeying together, walking along the path towards a Beautiful Mystery. We all give each other ideas, where if we were stuck in our own mind we might not be able to see our stressful thoughts clearly.

So there we are are in the teleclass and many of us thinking about one person who has really bugged us, someone who has dished out a lot of pain and aggravation, someone who has been absolutely hurtful.

I love how Katie mentions that during her first years of inquiry, she worked so often on her mother. These are the thoughts Katie writes about in A Thousand Names For Joy:

  • My mother doesn’t love me
  • She loves my sister and brother more than me
  • She should invite me to family gatherings
  • If I tell the truth about what happened, she’ll deny it and no one will believe me

I can add these from my own list:

  • My mother is too angry
  • My mother is too cheerful
  • My mother gets hurt too easily
  • My mother is too critical

Katie says that she would write down her thought, as we do in the Work, one at a time. This is so, so, so, so important.

One thought at a time.

My mind is so busy, fast, and interested in proving that the other person over there (my mother) is inadequate that I can hardly take half a breath before finding 20 examples of proof at how imperfect that person has been. Images come screeching in for attention.

The mind is very chaotic. Katie suggests “you can’t stop mental chaos, however motivated you are. But if you identify one piece of chaos and stabilize it, then the whole world begins to make sense”. 

One thought at a time.

Some participants in the class still felt like the person they brought to our 8 weeks together was not their best friend. Maybe not even close.

I say, don’t try to make them be your best friend, your favorite human, the mother you always thought you wanted. Just keep noticing what your mind says that feels painful.

That’s all that is necessary. One thought at a time.

Don’t worry about whether you find the most painful thought to inquire about, or the “best” thought to question. Just watch what you are thinking, the mind will bring it to you. Write down only one. It doesn’t matter if it’s completely silly sounding, like “my mother shouldn’t have looked away”.

Just let your mind answer the questions; Is it true? Are you 100% sure? How do you react when you believe that thought? Who would you be without that thought? What is the opposite?

Forgiveness will just come along, and exactly the right time, it the most perfect way.

“Inquiry changes the world faster than you can imagine….” ~Byron Katie.  

With love, Grace