Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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I need more time!

First Friday Inquiry with Grace is here! We start at 7:45 am Pacific Time. Everyone and anyone is welcome to join, listen, raise your hand to share or “do” The Work. We’ll begin by filling out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. Use this as a time to simply do The Work. I’ll walk you through step by step. Beginners and experienced all are welcome. All you need to bring is a pen and paper, dial in with your phone or computer, and get ready to open your mind.

Click the link here to join me for First Friday (everyone joining will be muted, so don’t be shy, you can come and see what it’s like by listening in). No one is required to share out loud.

And…

Sunday at 5 pm Pacific Time the doors close for Year of Inquiry. I am so, so honored and excited for the beautiful group who have joined. While the full program earns a huge number of credits for Certification in The Work (166) through the Institute for The Work, the most important part of this program is doing The Work. Some people will do TeleSessions Only (the flexible version where you are not earning credit) and some will jump in to complete all requirements for training in the Institute as a Certified Facilitator. Two levels of participation.

I get so excited because….wondering if our stressful beliefs are true is a most stunning and beautiful experience to have.

To read about Year of Inquiry and enroll, visit HERE. If you have questions, I’ll probably be answering them all weekend, so don’t hesitate to write grace@workwithgrace.com.

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One thing we’ll be doing in Year of Inquiry Month Three is noticing our common, frequent Top Ten Stressful Hits. Have you ever noticed repetitive objections or complaints can repeat themselves regularly, over and over, in your head?

There’s not enough time. Life is hard. He doesn’t care about me. I’ve been abandoned. I need x in order to be happy. I can’t go on unless…..

The scenes, or situations, or even the people and characters involved can change….

…but here comes the same thought. Again.

Byron Katie refers to these kinds of repetitive thoughts as Underlying Beliefs (and so do other speakers, authors, researchers).

These beliefs maybe formed when you were really young. Or perhaps they began before your time, and they were passed along from generation to generation and you received these beliefs from your mom or dad without even realizing it.

You can still question them. Especially when they’re stressful.

The other day, I was writing for a book project underway. I get to write one chapter in a collection of chapters written by facilitators of The Work who have been inquiring for a long time. The deadline for the chapter was yesterday.

I had the thought just like I’ve had with so many projects and events in life: “I need more time.”

It’s possible this thought will never go away. It’s just a little voice that likes to sing. About “time”.

Time, time, time we love time! More time, more time, more! Not enough time, not enough time, not enough!

I chuckled after I heard the thought “I need more time”. Because almost immediately I had the question “Is it true?”

No.

Because I really have sat many times with this inquiry and felt the spaciousness of what it’s like without believing I need more time. For anything.

Not more time for this book writing project, not for hanging out with a close friend, not for making more money, not for running a race, not for weeding the garden, not for waking up or becoming enlightened, not for being alive.

I notice there’s always this moment, here right now. I can only finish what I finish, do what I do, live this life, be this.

There’s no more time available….that’s reality. There’s no less time either. The amount of time required is in the hands of something else, some other force, not this personal small identity of “me”.

Who would you be without this underlying belief, a human belief passed along for ages from one to the next to the next, that we must hurry, or we’re under pressure, or there’s not enough time?

What if Unfinished…..is OK?

Could the amount we have be enough? Be plenty?

Turning my ancient repetitive belief around: I have enough time. I do not need more time. Only my thinking needs more time.

Could it be the manuscript of this book chapter is “done” for now?

Of course. I tweak, edit, correct, update. Then the deadline comes, and off it goes. Good enough. What else would it be?

What are genuine examples of how you do NOT need more time in your life, for whatever you think you need more time for?

Why do you need more time, anyway?

Ahhhhh, therein lies the interesting question. Because I love this so much, I’m afraid of losing it. Because I dislike this, I need time to fix it. Because people will disapprove, time will fix the disapproval. Because people approve, time will keep it going.

Are any of these conclusions absolutely true?

“Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time–past and future–the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

It’s only my thinking that actually needs more time.

And one way I can give my thinking more time….is questioning it’s beliefs, with The Work.

Ahhhhhhh.

The question, O me! so sad, recurring–What good amid these, O me, O life?
Answer.
That you are here–that life exists, and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.
~ Walt Whitman
Much love,
Grace

P.S. I was on the radio with some local Seattle people. Listen to the show HERE.

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Here’s the bottom line

Countdown to Year of Inquiry starting next week with Orientation, and the following week with live calls. We’re very close to full.

I love beginning the new year in September. It’s probably conditioning from schooling my entire childhood. It begins to feel like fall, with more orange sun, longer shadows, slightly shorter days. And my hands are clapping to think of sitting in self-inquiry with all the wonderful people showing up to share a year together.

There are 3 final spots open for the FULL program (receiving ITW credit for the equivalent of a School for The Work plus 80 more partnering credits plus a few more for a total of 166).

Two people asked about receiving credit inside ITW even if they’ve already completed two Schools for The Work. The answer is YES, you’d get credit in ITW for this Year of Inquiry program if you complete it in full, even if you’ve got two schools or more already on your certification resume.

So if you are interested in really diving in to full blown training and moving towards certification in The Work, being in your own investigation of what has stressed you in your life, and being a part of a group doing this together for a year….join us in this deep way to practice and sink into The Work as a way of living.

If you have questions about the full program, I’m happy to talk (press reply and we’ll set up a time). The fee for the FULL program earning all credits in the Institute for The Work is $3200 (or you can have the option of paying monthly). You’ll come to two retreats in Seattle (October and May) and partner with someone in the group once a month (you’ll receive a partner assignment, you don’t have to choose a partner yourself).

To join sign up here (you’ll see links at the bottom for your program choice): JOIN NOW.

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How do we know something’s stressful?

We feel it. Anger, rage, horror, terror, anxiety, shock, worry, sadness.

When feelings are really big….they can’t be missed.

But what about less obvious emotions? What if you feel just a slight irritation, or annoyance, or boredom?

Sometimes, when a feeling isn’t so crushing (and sometimes even when it is)….we humans can tend to move with speed towards the first instinctual order of business: Stop the feeling!! I want to get off!! 

Think about what it’s like when you take care of an upset baby.

We begin to try to figure out why the baby is crying, angry, fearful, distressed. If all basics are handled (hungry, thirsty, tired, diaper changed) then we often move to cheer the baby up. We shake shiny things, sing songs, make goofy noises, snap our fingers, bounce.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that….it’s often what works beautifully for babies.

As adults, however, there may be more than survival-level disturbances or needs. We are fed, clothed, watered and awake. Needs are met in the physical world.

Yet, instead of inquiring, writing, and studying more deeply what might be bothering us, we automatically want to shake shiny things. Eat, drink, smoke, nap, sneak, watch netflix, internet, clean, text, date, buy, spend, work.

Make the distress stop! 

If the stress stems from a disturbance in the mind, however, based on believing what you think as the Truth….

….no shiny thing will ever really work to end the suffering.

(I tried it with food, and it wasn’t pretty).

It may be interesting for awhile, but then, if you’re like me, you might feel haunted by ghosts from the past, or images of what terrible thing might happen in the future.

It goes unresolved until you inquire into the nature of what you fear, or of what you find most heart-breaking.

The good news?

Sitting with the pain and difficulty, and the feelings–whether big or small–winds up being the easier way.

It’s weird, I know. Am I saying the harder way is the easier way?

Yeah, I basically AM saying the “harder” way (feeling strongly, looking at the suffering directly) is easier.

The best way I know how to do this….and it involves listening to the mind and including it as a companion, not an enemy….

….is The Work.

Even if you never join Year of Inquiry or any other group program, you can do The Work. You can do it for free.

First, sit down and think of ONE thing only that’s bothering you. Maybe in the back of your mind. One person who betrayed you, or hurt you, or who you haven’t forgiven.

Remembering that person, see the situation that disturbs you most, and write it down using a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Be so very honest on this worksheet. Furious, desperate, vengeful, grief-stricken.

It might be really, really uncomfortable….but you’ve got four questions. The secret sauce to transformation. The end of having to keep talking about that problem endlessly.

You can do this!

“Here’s the bottom line: suffering is optional. If you prefer to suffer, go on believing your stressful thoughts. But if you’d rather be happy, question them.” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself

Much love,
Grace

P.S. Here’s the latest Peace Talk podcast on boredom stress. Enjoy and let me know what you think. Leave a review on itunes if you’re able to figure out how to leave reviews (LOL).

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Exclude nothing, welcome it. The astonishing practice of The Work.

Have you ever experienced the feeling like you know The Work of Byron Katie is transformative, you’ve tried it, you’ve done it, you’ve been in workshops on The Work, you’ve sat with Katie in person, you’ve even gone to The School for The Work….

….and yet, something isn’t jarring loose? Something keeps on keepin’ on, it keeps repeating itself, you keep feeling bad about the same thing, you don’t really get how to address your particular relationship(s) or issue?

It can’t be so simple, can it? You can’t just “question your thinking” and change your life, can you?

Yet we’re drawn, constantly, to inquire once we’ve been bit by the bug of the power of self-inquiry. To wonder about if what we’re thinking is actually true is amazing!

What if everything I’ve ever been terrified of isn’t actually true?

Wow. Exciting.

But even though I’ve known and deeply experienced and been fundamentally changed and impressed by The Work, I haven’t always felt the power of it.

I know how to do The Work, but….(we have our reasons we don’t do it, or we think it won’t work….)

The grooves and habits we’re in are perhaps deep, and practiced for many years (since childhood)!

Over the past ten years I’ve worked on my own thoughts about the following topics, and worked with so many people who were suffering about the very same situations.

  • Doing The Work on someone who really angers you, where you felt resentment or even rage for being betrayed, ignored, hurt.
  • Doing The Work on money, or loss of your job, or feeling anxious about your survival because of the volatility of money or your career.
  • Doing The Work on addictions, like going to the fridge for more, more, more when you’re clearly not hungry, or drinking to where you don’t remember what you said, or smoking cigarettes when you thought you already quit.
  • Doing The Work on love, sexuality, couples, marriage or divorce
  • Doing The Work on getting cancer, hurting yourself physically, aging, or not being attractive enough.
  • Doing The Work on the pain of being alive, on mother, father, sister, brother….on everything we learned or experienced when we were tiny things.

If you wonder about hitches or blocks about doing The Work, like thinking it’s not as big a deal as it seems, or it’s just not so light and easy, you may enjoy listening to the live immersion webinar today.

Come join me for an investigation of what typically blocks us when it comes to this profound and transformational self-inquiry.

We start today, Tuesday, August 22nd at 8:30 am PT: Ten Barriers to The Work and How To Dissolve Them. (2 hours) Click HERE to register. Bring a pen and paper.

At the very end, and I mean truly after 90 minutes of only focusing on barriers to The Work and wonderful exercises to help crack them….I’ll talk about Year of Inquiry for those interested in the one year program starting soon (live calls start the week of Sept 15).

But if you aren’t drawn or can’t attend this live webinar….don’t worry.

I’m here with you in The Work. No one needs a webinar to do The Work. The Work is something you can do, free of charge, by answering four questions and finding turnarounds.

All you need to do is identify one particularly stressful thought today. Write it down.

Then hold it up against the four questions. Keep repeating it over again, as you wonder about every question, and every answer. Then find your turnarounds….all the opposites to your stressful belief.

If you have a special and particularly difficult stressful thought, hit reply and let me know what it is and if you’ve worked it before. I’ll write about it in a Grace Note soon.

“When the mind begins inquiry as a practice, it learns as a student of itself that everything is for it. Everything adds to it, enlightens it, nourishes it, reveals it. Nothing is or ever was against it. This is a mind that has grown beyond opposites. It’s no longer split. It keeps opening, because it’s living out of a fearless, undefended state, and it’s eager for knowledge. It realizes that it’s everything, so it learns to exclude nothing, to welcome it all.” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself

Let’s do The Work. Because nothing could be so wonderful as to not be against what happens.

Much love,

Grace

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No one knows what’s good and what’s bad about the body (+ immersion class 8/22)

Ever wondered what all the fuss is about when it comes to doing The Work of Byron Katie?

Even when I had powerful insights questioning my stressful thinking, I sometimes got really stuck.

Sometimes, it felt like The Work wasn’t “working”! I’d consider the same person for the thousandth time and how much they bugged me, or have the very same fear about money, or my child, or my body appear in my thoughts once more.

Quite awhile ago, I began to notice some of the same patterns of resistance to self-inquiry in other people too, as I facilitated them or had great discussions with them about their investigations into suffering.

Studying the resistance to self-inquiry, an immersion class was created: Ten Common Barriers That Keep The Work From Working…and How to Dissolve Them.

It’s packed full of information, several exercises that may help you deepen your experience of inquiry and The Work, and the four primary ingredients I’ve found that keep us clear, and practicing.

At the end of the very robust class chock full of information, I’ll share about one of my favorite and most thorough programs: Year of Inquiry (which starts in September). It’s for those interested in a structured program in the practice and training of The Work of Byron Katie.

But even if you would never sign up for a program that lasted an entire year….this immersion 2-hour course should give you some inspiration and ideas about exploring your own inner world, and enjoying the transformation that often results.

We’ll meet Tuesday, August 22nd 8:30 am Pacific Time. To register, sign up HERE.

Speaking of resistance.

Not long ago, I was at a summer gathering outdoors. People were dressed in shorts, tank tops, sun dresses, and bathing suits.

And an old familiar thought suddenly appeared.

I saw someone I know to be the same age as I am, with gorgeously streaking gray and blonde hair (no hair color going on over there), a tall, thin, muscular-looking body, cool shorts, and the perfect matching tank top.

As I looked, I thought “she is so beautiful, and has remained in such perfect shape.”

I asked her about hip pain, or back problems. Nope. I asked her if she still exercising a lot. Oh yes! Yoga, pilates, cross-country skiing in winter, long walks and long bike rides.

The thought that suddenly appeared was…..I don’t look like that, or do such extensive activity. My body is sagging. My skin is drooping. I do not have leg muscles that still look fabulous like those muscles over there.

Boo hiss.

Body comparison is a magnificent topic, and not uncommon, for doing The Work.

It feels like an old worn-down groove of thinking, those comparing thoughts: This body must perform, look wonderful, carry me without pain, stay healthy, appear age-less (or slowly aging), not wrinkle or sag, be strong.

Perhaps you have the thought your body should weigh “x” or look like “y” when it doesn’t.

That other way is better. Not this way that I am.

One powerful question you can use to dig a little deeper into this comparison stress, is to wonder what it means that you look the way you do, and that other person looks like that?

What does it mean about you, that your body is the way it is?

For me, my body the way it is right now compared to this friend’s body, was a reminder of what I can’t do anymore, and maybe ever, again. I no longer can ride for miles on my bike, I can’t even seem to skip a day of yoga without back pain, I don’t have tight skin, and my muscles definitely do not show up distinctly like they once did.

It means I’m on the downhill slope of a life in a body. It’s eventually going to die.

Which is no small thought.

Sometimes, the concern people have about the disappointment of their body is that they will not be loved, they will be rejected, they won’t be admired, they’ll be ignored.

It always means something stressful, when you feel a clench about looking at someone else’s body and finding your own lacking, or even ugly.

I can’t experience pleasure, I’m not good enough, I’m rejected, I have no support, people don’t care about me, I have nothing to offer, my life is over.

But who would you be without these stressful stories of the body?

Who would I be in that moment with my friend, without believing my body was worse, her body was better, something was wrong or unfair or hard about the situation, in any way?

I’d be noticing how much appreciation I have for this incredible body I’ve been inhabiting for all these years.

I’d be laughing at the mind and it’s urge to decide something’s wrong, or unacceptable, or ugly—when it can’t possibly know it’s true.

I’d be noticing that sagging seems to be the way of it.

So do I think I know better than God, or reality?

I’d be laughing at my own arrogance, but with a lightness–not with self-criticism or harshness. Seeing I do the best I can, I inquire.

Turning the thought around: I can experience pleasure, I AM good enough, my thoughts are rejecting me (not other people, not the world), I have support, people care about me, I have everything to offer. This body must do exactly what it’s doing, this body must look the way it does (it’s already wonderful), my thinking must not carry me with pain, decline, appear to be aging, wrinkle or sag, my thinking must no be weak. 

Wow.

These are all so incredibly true.

My body is just simply being itself, doing it’s job, living it’s full life (which is potentially half over) and I really don’t know where this is all going.

“No one knows what’s good and what’s bad. No one knows what death is. Maybe it’s not a something; maybe it’s not even a nothing. It’s the pure unknown, and I love that. We imagine that death is a state of being or a state of nothingness, and we frighten ourselves with our own concepts. I’m a lover of what is: I love sickness and health, coming and going, life and death. I see life and death as equal. Reality is good; so death must be good, whatever it is, if it’s anything at all.” ~ Byron Katie

Who would I really be without my story of what the body is doing, as I stand in the presence of this tall, muscular, thin friend of mine?

Filled with gratitude for this temporary time here on planet earth, apparently in this magical body, appreciating that other body over there (and many more) and knowing nothing, nothing, nothing at all.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Being strangely a bit more organized than usual (because I’m almost 3 weeks ahead of schedule), you’re invited to attend this 2 hour online immersion course on August 22nd at 8:30 am Pacific Time. Love to have you with me there. Register for the live class right HERE.

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Thinking of quitting? It’s probably not up to you. Drop the probably.

The other afternoon, a thought popped into my head. It wasn’t exactly peaceful.

“You should just quit.”

The thought was about working. Running my business, doing The Work for a living.

Right in the middle of an afternoon.

  • this will go on forever
  • I’ll never have any savings (or enough of ‘x’)
  • you haven’t amounted to much
  • so what (referring to just about anything)
  • I can’t retire like other people
I thought about canceling my noon yoga class, and the plan to work on the chapter I’m writing for an upcoming book on The Work, and definitely let’s not think about another podcast.
Who cares! 
The funny thing was, it was probably my brain trying to get me to take a break, go outside, relax. Or it was just a random suggestion. I love how the mind will recommend quitting when things seem a little bit hard, or very hard.
I notice these “So What” kinds of thoughts about work and projects come in only when I’m pushing hard, not taking any breaks, skipping meditation, not pausing to do The Work, avoiding rest.
But people, including me, frequently have this thought about quitting when they get upset with someone, feel pushed in between a rock and a hard place, and don’t know another way out. In an extreme way, “quitting” is what people are doing who feel suicidal and imagine exiting life here on planet earth.
Do you have anything you’ve thought about quitting recently?
You should.
Is it true?
No.
How do I react when I have the thought I should quit?
I have pictures of a future where I am no longer doing the thing. No longer in that relationship. No longer going to that location. No longer doing that work.
It is really amazing how powerful the urge to LEAVE is. Cut ’em off! I’m never speaking to her again! Goodbye forever! I quit!
Who would I be without the story of quitting?
Noticing I continue. I stick with the person, situation, circumstance, activity, or not. And it may have little to do with the thought of quitting.
Or nothing at all to do with it.
Turning the thought around: I don’t quit. I quit my thinking. “It” quit me.
All of these options have been true….and now that I think about it and do The Work on this idea of quitting….
….I’m not sure I’ve ever been the one that made quitting happen. I either just knew it was time to stop, or not. Perhaps fatigue and exhaustion caused quitting. Perhaps an awareness the thing wasn’t required resulted in quitting. Perhaps doing The Work caused quitting.
Perhaps there was no quitting whatsoever, even though the idea ran so loudly through my mind.
Here I am writing down the thoughts, sharing them with other people, doing The Work right in front of everyone (as a reader once said to me).
“I follow the way of it, which is always revealed in the moment. It’s God’s will, and it’s always crystal clear. When you no longer have a will of your own, there is no time and space. It all becomes a flow. You don’t decide, you flow from one happening to the next, and everything is decided for you…..This morning I had the thought to shower, and I notice that I stayed with the email. I find that fascinating. Showering was a wonderful idea. Will it move to that, or not? It’s exciting to wait and watch and allow life to move at its own pace as it continues to do what it does.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names for Joy
 
I have the idea to quit. I don’t quit. I have the idea to quit. One day I do.
Is it happening because I’ve decided so?
Never.
There are so many beautiful complexities to the life, the flow, the world. They include this mind, sometimes talking it seems to no one.
The ultimate full-blown complete opposite turnaround: I should just begin. But it’s already happening.
  • this will go on forever YAY!
  • I’ll always have enough of everything I need! WOOHOO!
  • you haven’t amounted to much, which is PERFECT
  • so what (referring to just about anything) HOORAY!
  • I can’t retire like other people. SO LUCKY!
Every new moment, beginning fresh. Looking around at the unknown, the mysterious, the shape of this room, the going for a walk, returning home, writing. Activities did change today. Nothing quit. Life is still here, continuing, never-ending. Always more possibilities, always room for The Work, always life just here, being.

Much love,

Grace

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This is the only time you suffer. Amazing.

There’s a little more than a whole month before registration for Year of Inquiry closes (August 31). Summer Camp for The Mind is still underway, and quite a few people won’t officially sign up until Summer Camp ends on August 18th. Space is limited, but I’m not over half full yet, so for those of you nervous about it filling before August 31st, you’ve got time. (I’ll send out a message if it looks like YOI will fill before August 31).

Speaking of deadlines.

I was working with a lovely inquirer the other day who wanted to know if signing up for Year of Inquiry would help her finish a huge creative project.

Will it help me reach success?

Ha ha!

I have no idea about that.

She laughed, too.

She’s done The Work enough to know, this isn’t about trying to get somewhere down the road, into a future place where we’re successful, making money, happy, in a good relationship, forgiving towards everyone, living the dream (whatever that is) or enlightened.

It’s a weird paradoxical thing, because those who will embark on a one year program together will apparently share many months and time watching webinars, posting and sharing insights or questions on our private secret forum, calling in to do The Work together, trading sessions one-on-one in The Work with each other, and joining together for retreats (those who can travel to Seattle area).

It’s a deep, regular return to self-inquiry, with others, with ourselves.

There’ll be a whole lotta inquiry going on.

The paradoxical thing about it is….when I hear of others doing inquiry over time, when I notice my own practice over time, I actually DO see change. Sometimes significant, astonishing change.

For myself, the “success” I feel in a creative way is enormous. When I have an idea or vision to invent or put together something, or a thought about including or moving towards something, it feels as if things move that way very easily. So although I have no idea about goals and striving and milestones….life sure does seem simpler and easier and quite amazing with inquiry at the wheel.

What I’d recommend first, if you have ideas about what you’ll achieve with anything, including Year of Inquiry, is to question anything stressful that appears to get between you and moving towards that lovely thing you’re envisioning.

Who knows what can happen.

Most important about Year of Inquiry is that it provides a structure for a way of life that includes The Work. Regularly. With other people. Sharing. Questioning your stress and suffering.

What could be better than this kind of intimacy?

All I know is, as I practice The Work, my thinking becomes lighter, and so does life. Things I thought were drastic and awful….just don’t seem that way anymore.

“The only time you suffer is when you believe a thought that argues with reality. You are the cause of your own suffering–but only all of it.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Now don’t take that personally. YOU are not the bad seed, the ONE who is a blight on living. It’s actually very, very good news that your thinking is the cause of all your suffering.

Because then, all I need for the greatest “success” is to question what I think is not success.

Who would I be without my story?

 

Starting another Year of Inquiry. LOL!

Much love,

Grace

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The Work of Byron Katie on Personal Shame. Begin.

Feeling ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, disgusted with yourself is one of the worst feelings ever.

If you’re like me at all, I used to want to hide in a closet and never come out if I felt embarrassed about something I said or did.

I ate. Or smoked. Or went to movies to take my mind off myself doing that embarrassing thing, or acting that dumb way, or making that stupid mistake. I’d call myself an idiot.

I wanted to leave town and never show my face again.

If someone triggered me into an experience of feeling shame, I might also have thoughts like “that person is so mean, rude, controlling, nasty, immature, etc,” and judge the heck out of them.

They MADE me feel so bad!

Up until a few years ago, if I felt confronted by someone about a thing I said or did that they didn’t like, I might go overboard to fix it, make it so they didn’t think poorly of me, and then hope it was never mentioned again. It was like I couldn’t relax until I knew they liked me.

If I felt like someone had a poor image of me, I stopped answering their phone calls or efforts to get together. Too dangerous.

It’s powerful to look at what you’re thinking, and believing, when you feel ashamed.

I once had a friend say I wasn’t helping out enough around the meal clean up.

Instant shame.

My impulse was to rush to the kitchen and start frantically cleaning everything in sight. I actually DID jump up and move. It never occurred to me for a second to say my back hurt and I was stretching, so I’m opting out.

OMG! I could never say that! (It almost feels weird to write it even now, years later! Who cares about your hurt back, just suck it up and pitch in…..right?!)

What was really going on in the moment someone confronted me, or had a request, or criticized me….were thoughts almost entirely about my ego being bruised, my identity of Good Person being shattered.

  • She should think I’m awesome. At all times.
  • No one should ever be hurt by something I do or say.
  • I must be perceived as caring, thoughtful and kind.
  • People should all love me (and they don’t).
  • It’s not safe to have people dislike you–they can hurt you, cut you off, ditch you, and stab you in the back

One thing I noticed about these underlying fears were….

….they weren’t really about SHAME!

Shame was the reaction. Shame was what happened when I believed someone didn’t like me. Like a weird motivator of violence against myself so I’d fix me.

I was actually terrified out of my skull if someone moved away from me, thought critically of me, didn’t like something I said or did.

I was terrified because I thought I should be perfect and perfect meant never disturbing anyone else, ever. Maybe if they knew everything about me, they WOULD be disturbed. So I have to keep a lid on it.

Now….you can take this even farther by wondering if there’s anyone early in your life who you worried about their view of you?

My parents instantly come to mind, and today, my father.

He was very proper, upstanding, charitable, kind, not at all aggressive, thoughtful, and caring. He only showed anger once a year. He was very faithful in the church, and devoted. He was someone who in my eyes, and in the eyes of many, did the “right” thing. He never put his foot in his mouth, or bothered anyone, it seemed. He was a beloved professor to many students.

But somehow, it was clear that he also had very high standards. He disapproved of quite a few behaviors, and spoke of people he didn’t respect.

Just listening to his words, I vowed to make sure I would never be someone who he could talk about like this. I wanted him to love me all the time, and never be critical.

There’s RIGHT and there’s WRONG. I believed it.

Do you have someone who if they didn’t approve of you, you’d feel absolutely terrible? Has that actually happened?

Even if it hasn’t happened, you can hold that upstanding person in your mind, and notice the fear that enters if you think they MIGHT disapprove of you, or they are disapproving of someone else.

If you’ve done something that if THEY knew you did it, they’d reject you….you can imagine them finding out, and do The Work from this horrifying prospect: someone you care about very much KNOWS what you did, and they disapprove.

Let’s do The Work!

Is it true you need their approval? Is it true that because of the way it went in that situation, you are a bad person? Is it true you must always be perceived as generous, kind, patient, or good in some other way? Is it true you must never, ever, ever hurt anyone’s feelings, and if you do–FIX IT–or hide it forever?

Sigh.

It’s a lot of pressure.

I can’t really know it’s true. It’s hard to be good in everyone’s eyes. It’s hard to TRY to be perfect, to WORK at doing the right thing.

It’s exhausting, actually.

How I react, when I believe I need to be perceived as safe, good, and loving and “work” at it….is I don’t speak the truth, I’m very careful with most humans (especially anyone who reminds me of my dad) and I worry if someone doesn’t express praise, or approval, or doesn’t give me a nod or smile.

Holy Smokes. So stressful.

Who would you be without the belief you have to be good, right, upstanding, clear, loving, and not ever do anything that would disturb someone?

Wait. Really?

Are you sure it’s OK not to work at being the best possible person in the entire world that I could be (and this equals never bothering anyone)?

Yes.

Because it just doesn’t seem natural to have to work, and get all twisted in a pretzel to make sure you look acceptable, and accepting.

Who would you be without this stressful story that you need to be seen as upstanding, positive, healthy, nice, kind…whatever your words are that you worry about NOT being?

Who would you be without the belief you need to be approved of, by THAT person (you know the one)?

How could it be a good thing that someone hasn’t found you ideal, or perfect? How could it be of benefit that someone said “no” or “you did it wrong!”

Whew. I almost have no idea.

I’ve been operating as if this is a given for so many years, I can’t imagine feeling entirely free to be myself, naturally me, without shame or judgment.

And then….

….I feel it. Just a wee bit. Who I’d be, What I’d be, without the thought.

It’s so light. It’s exciting. Magnificent even.

Without the belief I shouldn’t impose on anyone, or be disapproved of, or be perceived as unloving….

….I am very happy suddenly. Like it’s just completely 100% OK to be whatever this is. Responding, being, connecting, disconnecting. Being a human. Not expecting myself to be more, or other than, human.

Turning the underlying thoughts around:

  • She should think I’m human, capable of foibles. At all times.
  • People should be hurt by something I do or say, when they are.
  • I must NOT be perceived as caring, thoughtful and kind.
  • People shouldn’t all love me (and they do–hee hee).
  • It’s not safe to have people like you (how interesting!)–they can hurt you, cut you off, ditch you, and stab you in the back. And, they can heal you, open you up, set you free, wake you up.

These turnarounds feel so much lighter, so much more true than the original stressful thoughts.

They are worth sitting with slowly, deliberately, and finding your own answers one by one.

“You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.”

~ Mary Oliver from the poem Wild Geese

For more sharing on shame and working with this stressful experience, listen to Peace Talk Podcast Episode 133 right HERE.

f you feel shame about something, my number one suggestion?

Pick only one moment where you believe you did it wrong, or you ARE wrong.

Write a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on that moment. Write down all your beliefs (it’s OK to hide it somewhere, so no one can find it and read it). Write down what you think the WORST thing is that could happen if the whole world was aware of this about you.

Then begin to inquire.

“Your separation from God has ripened. 

Now fall like a golden fruit 

Into my hand. 

All your wounds from craving love

Exist because of heroic deeds.

Now trade in those medals;

That courage will help this world.”

~ Hafiz, from the Poem Trying To Wear Pants

Much love,

Grace

P.S. My hands are clapping with the inquirers signing up for Year of Inquiry. If there’s any way to explore and dissolve shame, its with steady self-inquiry using The Work in the presence of other people.

I find no other way so helpful. Read about YOI HERE and scroll all the way down for fees, how the program works, and the schedule. People in Institute for The Work receive credit worth one full School for The Work plus 80 credits of one-to-one partnering. Join us. Your courage will help this world. At least, that’s my story.

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Feel bad, in a fog, and not sure why? Burn through, like this.

Do you ever have the thought that you’re not even sure what you’re upset about, or worried about, or anxious about, or sad about….

….you just know you feel troubled, bad, uncomfortable?

How do you do The Work if you can’t really come up with a belief to write down or investigate?

I have two ideas you might find super helpful today, if you’ve had this experience. One involves a little data collection, one just takes you into inquiry right now.

The thing about the data collection option, is people (OK, this would be me) might say UGGGGH. I can’t wait a second longer! I hate looking, wondering, collecting. Plus the word “data” reminds me of white coats and cold surfaces.

So I’ll give you the Go-Directly-To-Inquiry suggestion first.

Sit still for a few minutes. Maybe only one. Get a pen and paper or your computer and write “I have no reason to feel bad” or “I need to know what my thoughts are right now” or “This is too hard” or “Something disturbing is happening.”

Those are the kinds of thoughts I had when I felt foggy, confused, and not able to see what specifically bothered me about being alive in that particular moment.

You can actually then take your thought through the four questions.

If you’re inspired and you don’t believe you have to know anything more than you do, you might even be able to write a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, even if it feels repetitive and not super deep or like a pile of troubled thoughts just hanging out in the atmosphere, weighing you down.

It’s still a place to start, and maybe more powerful than you realize. You’ll probably discover a thing or two in the inquiry process.

The second suggestion….the “data” one (just pretend the word is a nice, calm, soft word for a moment)….goes like this:

Get a little baby notebook, the kind that’s pocket sized and thin. Or a notepad. Or one piece of paper, that can fold and stuff into your pocket. Carry it around with you all day long and when you feel a surge of emotion, or notice something you don’t like, write down what you’re thinking, even if it doesn’t make logical sense.

Notice especially what you Do Not Like. If you don’t like a picture or image that crosses your mind, write it down. If you don’t like someone’s appearance, or their shirt color, or the street, or the dirty dishes in the sink, write it down.

I don’t like the weather. I don’t like my hair. I don’t like the pain in my back. I don’t like her shoes. I don’t like my dirty car. I don’t like the way I told my dad’s death story to the listening group–I went on too long. I don’t like her sarcastic text last summer. I don’t like moving away from Kansas.

It’s a running tally.

And by the way, my family moved away from Kansas in 1969, so what pops into your head that you don’t like might be really, really old.

Pop.

It’ll just be there.

No need to explain anything, this is a list for YOU alone.

No pressure to start inquiring immediately, just an exercise in noticing.

You might be very, very surprised at what comes to the surface, if you’re being a neutral researcher, collecting a bit of data about this working mind.

And voila.

Stressful stories tend to appear, the more relaxed you become about allowing them to be seen.

When I had a really rough relationship underway (apparently) I did this data collection with the man I was supposedly dating at the time. My “thought catcher” notebook was green, and in my purse or bag at all times. If I had a thought that had anything at all to do with the man in question, I’d write it down. I’d see the picture, and note the scene.

“Moment he said ‘x’ at the horse race” or “Words he muttered about his neighbors when we were sitting in his back yard” or “the way he put his arm around me possessively during dinner at Brad’s house”.

Here’s one of the best things I noticed about this data collection notebook.

As I kept it over many weeks (months) I would review what I had written before. Some moments or situations I did The Work on, but some went flitting by, and I actually forgot about them, even though they were pretty stressful….and even though I wrote them down.

I would read, and think….WOW. That’s right! He said ‘x’ and I ignored it. He did ‘y’ after I asked him something and I didn’t ask him to elaborate at all. He asked me ‘z’ and I laughed, instead of being honest about my fear of the question.

My own desire to go unconscious and NOT think about my stressful thoughts was evident, right in the notebook.

I kept doing The Work….kept returning to the issues without being so judgmental towards myself that I’m repeating the same thing over and over.

Everything became clearer, and clearer, and clearer, until the relationship became easy, not hard. I said “no” honestly, and “yes” honestly, and it naturally unfolded the way it needed to.

The thing about tracking and continuing to look, even if you don’t always want to….

….is insight and awareness begins to blossom and flower.

I had a lot of practice in trying to cut my thoughts down as if they were weeds, or leave the yard entirely, or hate the field because it was just so scary how fast it grew.

So it took some alternate kind of energy, a non-violent sort of open, kind approach to this mind, that whatever it was doing was the best it could, and worth taking a look at.

The more I could consider taking a look at the voices or pictures in this head as it moved through the day, the easier it became. Logging, noticing, writing it down without so much judgment, without such quick judgment of the content.

If you find it difficult to do this….you are not alone.

I STILL have the thought sometimes that sounds like…..”do I HAVE TO look at this? Seriously? Can’t we just party, instead?” Meaning, eat, drink, smoke, distract.

Believe me. If that worked, I’d probably be doing it. I’d still be thinking that identifying my thoughts and questioning them was the hardest way, and eating or blacking out was the easy way.

It’s the opposite.

If you need help along the way, to keep going, then you might be seriously considering Year of Inquiry starting September 5th. I’m getting a ton of questions about it. Registration will officially close August 31st. Everyone enrolling will make a solo appointment with me right away that fits with your schedule. You’ll have two months to decide (until November 1st, 2017) if it’s right for you and if it isn’t, for any reason, you can withdraw. Full payment, and also payment plans for 12 months, are available.

All I can say is, I myself wouldn’t have done The Work without regular, committed, connected time with others in a group or at least one person to partner with regularly, without stopping, keeping steady at it just like any Olympic athlete might be training.

I know there is no competition really, this isn’t a contest or an attempt to “win”. But in this world of humanity, if you aren’t training and coaching and doing your daily practice with the fun of the huge upcoming Olympics in mind, there will definitely be no participation in the field at all.

Left to my own devices, all I was doing was floundering through a murky forest of thought and beliefs that were incredibly stressful.

Connecting with others brought such insight, sharing, lowering of fear, intimacy and awareness, I am forever grateful for each and every person willing to do The Work with me along the way.

I definitely couldn’t have done it without you.

And I’m grateful also for every person who has ever bugged me, because I couldn’t find this power of love and truth without them, either.

If you’re wanting to commit to steady ongoing practice with other beautiful inquirers, Year of Inquiry might be the perfect way. You can read about Year of Inquiry HERE and scroll down for logistical details like the schedule, fees, and the monthly topics. People in Institute for The Work receive credit worth one full School for The Work plus 80 credits of one-to-one partnering.

“These four questions will join any program you’ve got and enhance it. Any religion you have — they’ll enhance it. If you have no religion, they will bring you joy. And they’ll burn up anything that isn’t true for you. They’ll burn through to the reality that has always been waiting.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Let me know how your data collection goes, or if you have questions. You can do this.

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The stress of trying to get rid of your thoughts….can be deadly

Year of Inquiry is now taking registrations for 2017-2018. Read all about it HERE and scroll down for logistical details like the schedule, fees, and the monthly topics. We begin Sept 5th. It’s OK to think about it a bit. It’s a big commitment, worth pondering. I usually take registrations until August 30th. If it looks like it will fill before then, I’ll let you know.

For the first time ever, Institute for The Work candidates training to be certified in The Work can earn an entire School for The Work plus 80 credits more by completing the YOI Program.

Everyone in Year of Inquiry ends the year with two months of Summer Camp for The Mind, underway right now.

And what a great call just yesterday, where we heard about a situation some might call tragic.

Someone close to us dies, unexpectedly, from a drug overdose.

Death sometimes seems like the worst case scenario–not always, not hands-down The Worst–but often with death or thinking of death, we feel the pain of loss, the finality, the sadness, the quick in-breath.

Our minds start dancing about, running to find whose fault it is or answer the question about why it occurred. Who contributed? Could someone have stopped it? How did this happen?

Recently I’ve received a few email letters from folks who don’t feel like living, who can’t stand living with a mind that’s dark, destructive, violent, or depressive. They just want to get out of the anxiety, get away from thoughts that hurt.

I don’t blame them for a second.

Having a mind that’s yelling at you is very tough. People report feeling almost traumatized by their own mind.

One thing I know that helps, when it comes to inquiry?

Questioning this thought: I hate my mind. It has to stop. I have to shut it down.

These are the kinds of thoughts I used to have all the time that prompted binge-eating, or drinking, or smoking, or obsessing about one problem or topic without being able to put it down, ever.

I imagine it’s what someone was thinking, in part, that would want to use heroin, or a drug to the point of overdosing on it.

So let’s inquire. Because almost everyone has had these kinds of thoughts about disliking their own mental process. They may not decide they want to die, but they still have thoughts like “I’m a mess, I should be different, I hate how I am, how I think.”

Is it true your mind has to stop, you have to shut it down or change it, you need to quit having the thoughts you do?

What? Of course it’s true!

It’s why I’m doing The Work.

Right?

Pause. Wait.

Can you absolutely know it’s true you have to change your thinking, quit thinking that way, get away from your thoughts, shut them down?

Um. It’s weird, but I can’t say “yes, it’s absolutely true.”

I notice people think thoughts that are terrifying, depressing, enraged, desperate, confusing, sad. I’ve thought a lot of them. Probably billions of them.

It seems that in reality, the way of it, people think difficult thoughts.

My difficult thoughts, actually, have been what has pointed to the places I most need to look. The places I felt most traumatized, ashamed of, where my beliefs were the most stressful.

So it can’t be absolutely true that I shouldn’t, or they shouldn’t, think stressful thoughts.

How do you react when you believe you MUST change your thinking, end it, remove it, delete it, get away from it?

The way I reacted is I felt worse. I read books. I signed up for programs to help. I ate. I went to a movie. I felt horrible. I didn’t talk with anyone. I isolated myself. I withdrew from people, not wanting to be around them or connect with them. I drank. I attacked my own mind very viciously, with words. I moved on to the next program. I felt bad. My feelings were wild, intense, frightening, just like my thoughts about how much I hated my thoughts.

So who would I be without this thought that my mind is my enemy, it’s thinking the wrong way, it needs to stop, it needs to change, NOW?

Weird.

But a strange sense of excitement, even a very soft “wow” begins to arise.

You mean, this battling mind so full of dark thoughts and mean, nasty words, and brutal attacks towards itself….wasn’t my enemy?

Didn’t need to be shut down with force?

I notice, without the thought that my thoughts are terrible and need to be changed….

….this present moment suddenly becomes lighter.

Looking at the past, it also seems lighter. Like a long, unusual journey through brambles, storms, dangerous seas….but also sunny weather, lazy days, moving connections, insights.

I don’t need to seek anything that’s missing, or DO something to eliminate or make change….without the thought my mind needs to be fixed, changed, shut down, hated.

Without any thought that I must fight and kill the mind, I don’t actually have any interest in getting in gear for a war.

I might listen to what it’s saying instead.

Oh. Wow.

Turning the concepts around: I love my mind. It has to keep going. I have to open it up. I shouldn’t be different, I accept how I am, how I think.

These feel so much more gentle. Could they be just as true, or truer? What are examples?

Well, the thoughts I have, even if violent and aggravating or scary, are telling me important things about how I’m viewing the world.

They’re telling me I’m upset about a thing or two. They’re reminding me…Re-Minding me…what to look at much more closely, for understanding and awareness. They actually help my mind rejoin itself and come back together.

Sure, it doesn’t feel that great to have a mind full of trauma, pictures, worries, criticism, judgment. But it’s doing what it can do to get my attention!

I want to look and to know. It’s actually pretty amazing to go back, and to look, at events and situations that overwhelmed me and freaked me out, especially to look with inquiry and investigation at a deep level.

I’d rather not bypass, come to think of it. It never worked to eat my head off (I love that phrase, doesn’t it just say the perfect reason for eating I had at the time? Eating my head OFF). It never worked to try to shut the thinking down, or enforce change in my mind, or chant lots of affirmations.

Every time there’s a battle, I lose. Even if I’m at war with my own thoughts.

Byron Katie says from time to time: “We either believe our thoughts, or we question them. There’s no other choice.”

I keep discovering, there isn’t any other choice. Part of me would like there to be (OK, not really). Isn’t there a short cut somewhere? Can’t it just stop? You mean my choices really are A) Believe or B) Question. Can’t I do something else?

No.

I am not in charge.

Not even of this thinking.

I am not in charge of discovering self-inquiry either….I backed into it and kept following it because I noticed when I believed all those swirling wild uncomfortable troubling thoughts, I suffered and wanted to shut down the suffering with force.

When I questioned those troubling thoughts, they seemed to turn into laughter. Trust. Love. Even joy.

The inquiry offered wisdom, and making things very simple: questioning just one concept at a time.

“I don’t let go of my concepts–I meet them with understanding. Then they let go of me.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Much love, Grace

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Trusting everyone, even the betrayers. Especially the betrayers.

Such fantastic moments are being shared by Summer Camp for The Mind inquirers. Powerful, stressful, intense moments with other humans, with the body, with a loved one, with a stranger, with a job.

I get sooooo inspired by everyone’s process, by hearing inquiry. It’s amazing how this work is so freeing and wise by simply listening to the answers of people who are DOING The Work.

OK, I’ll stop ranting and raving about how excited I am. Let’s look at a thought I was reminded of in someone’s inquiry:

He betrayed me.

You might use “she” or you might use “God” or you might use “it” (the body betrayed me, or ‘money’ betrayed me, or this job betrayed me).

The thing about betrayal is you feel tricked, fooled. Like you thought one thing, and then….

….the wonderful thing you expected didn’t happen, or something really BAD happened and it was a massive surprise.

The etymology of the word “betrayal” is from the Latin “to hand over” or “to unintentionally show true character”. Nothing so harsh in these words. But it later began to mean “to expose to the enemy” or “mislead, deceive, delude”.

Like being led in the wrong direction, made vulnerable to pain, or hurt.

This is an incredible thing to question, the deep belief that because someone “betrayed” me, I am exposed to hurt….and more hurt.

I made a short list of people who I believed betrayed me, in any way at all.

A very close friend, a sister, a romantic interest, a co-worker, the rose bush stump in our back yard that I stepped on at age seven.

THEY BETRAYED ME!

I realized, I DID believe the definition given in the dictionary, the etymology of the word. I believed these people surprised me unexpectedly with exposure to pain, loss, hurt, rejection.

Is it true they plopped me or thrust me into a world of pain, loss, hurt or rejection?

Hmmm.

YES.

Can I absolutely know this is true that the thing I’m looking at, the person, the incident….was a betrayal? Or permanently damaging? Or 100% hurt 24/7 for my entire life in all ways?

No.

Even if I’m injured and I’ll never have the same body again….I notice without injury I’ll never have the same body again, too (it’s always changing and will eventually die). Even if I’m feeling hurt about what a person is doing or did, my life continues and who am I to say it’s worse, or “bad” because of the way it’s going?

Who would I be without the story of betrayal, or hurt?

Right now. Here in this moment. What if I forgot, or couldn’t think “HE BETRAYED ME” in any way whatsoever.

Without the thought, I look around the room and out the french doors of the cottage, and see a wild bunny nibbling on something in the grass. I hear the washing machine start to spin. I see an invisible silent breeze flutter through the cherry tree leaves. I hear a small airplane overhead. I have infinite possibilities of pictures in my head about the world….imagination. Events I remember, wonderings about things to come.

Holding it all in HERE, Now.

No way to conclude in any kind of finality “I was hurt” when I thought I was.

What if I turned the thought around?

He healed me. He did not betray me. 

Can I find examples?

I have found them for every single one of the incidents, experiences, situations, events that I considered betrayals. Good things came from them all:

  • I was cast free from the current trajectory of my life in relationship, and got to completely reset the course. I got to learn about relationship with me, and make that the primary love of my life. Ahhhhhh. Isn’t that what I MOST wanted?
  • My business grew and improved to heights I didn’t imagine were possible. I found out legally I could be of service in ways I didn’t realize. I felt more confident and clear.
  • I was given the perfect opportunity to question my thinking at an extremely deep level, which is all I ever really truly wanted. Enlightenment about life and the world, and to see the safety and support around me.
  • I never forgot that beautiful little backyard where my family lived for only a year where my foot collided with a trimmed rose bush, and I was in bed for a week with the mumps. The awareness of temporarily being here on planet earth, in a body that can be “hurt”. Seeing this clearly at age seven, feeling gratitude for watching the abilities to walk come, and go, and come again.
  • Noticing that with absolutely no money to my name (or very, very little) I survived. Very well, actually. Without money being required for happiness. What an incredible lesson to learn.
Turning it around again:

 

I betrayed him, them, her. I betrayed myself.
 
Wow. I’m afraid I DID betray them, it, him, her. I raged at them in my mind. I opposed them, criticized them, tore them apart internally, withdrew, dismissed them. Stayed mad. Talked to other people about them or it. Talked piteously about myself and how I was done wrong.

 

I betrayed myself by taking the situation so personally, so seriously. By not opening my heart and mind up to relaxing, and choosing NOT to fight with the circumstances. I felt guilty. I said mean things to myself. I considered myself worthy of being betrayed and looked for my fault and how I asked for it. I saw myself as a tiny nothing, treated badly….a victim.

 

What I know about the betrayal moments now, are that they all brought on massive learning, and a willingness to surrender, accept, trust. They broke my heart….and a broken heart can be broken wide open, and expand three sizes just like the Grinch Who Stole Christmas. Or three hundred.

 

Would I take any of those betrayal moments away?

 

No.

 

Because if I did, if I could, I’m pretty sure I’d be missing something. Something great and vast and mysterious and unexplainable.

 

Now we wouldn’t want that, would we.

 

“I trust everyone. I trust everyone to do what they do, and I’m never disappointed. And since I trust people, I know to let them find their own way.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Year of Inquiry is officially taking registrations for 2017-2018. Read all about it HERE. It’s the most wonderful adventure. ITW candidates can earn credit work an entire School for The Work plus 80 credits more.