Grace, Author at Question with Grace

February 3, 2015

Do You Think You’re Supposed To Be Loving & Patient ALL The Time?

Eating Peace Online starts on February 22nd. This is my baby, born after years of study, healing, and training. I am now in service as a light worker to others who need help changing their relationship with eating, forever.

How to Be a Happy Parent starts Monday, February 23rd. Head over to my website to learn more or hit reply if you have questions. A cool bunch of moms are signing up–dads are welcome too!

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Speaking of kids.

Last week my new podcast Peace Talk turned out to be about kids, or really, taking care of people…

…and what a hassle that can be! Jeez!

When I first began doing The Work, I investigated my thoughts on just about everybody else before my kids.

They were quite young when I found The Work.

I was so in love with them! I almost had a weird reaction to being a mom I hadn’t anticipated, which was “why didn’t someone tell me this would be so fantastic, ecstatic, and wondrous!?”

Of all the choices I had for careers, work, or creative projects….

….this was the BEST EVER.

I gave birth at home, it was pretty easy, I had super relaxed pregnancies. For once, something appeared to come very naturally to me. Being a mom.

And then.

One day we’re driving to the store, my two kids in car seats in the back seat.

Suddenly, a piercing scream and the youngest is grabbing her brother’s shirt and pulling, and he’s shouting at her to stop.

Something is thrown and it jets past my ear and I hear it hit the front windshield.

Nothing breaks, it was just a plastic apple from the doll house kitchen.

But I was SOOOOOOO MAD!

I screamed at the top of MY lungs shouting “STOP! NOW!” and it felt like my head would explode and fire was coming out of my ears.

My throat actually hurt afterwards.

What the ?

I couldn’t believe how big that scream was.

What was wrong with me? Was my patience faltering? Was I worse than I ever imagined when it comes to maturity and kindness when parenting? Was I a complete whack-job? Would I turn out to be Mommie-Dearest and screw up my kids?

Self-hate, self-hate, self-hate.

I would try hard never to have these kinds of “losing it” moments.

Ever.

Well….in case you haven’t noticed…

…”trying hard” doesn’t exactly work as a solution to a difficult situation or a big feeling.

I needed to explore that moment very, very, very slowly….and do The Work.

It begins with writing a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet of course, getting all the thoughts, beliefs and concerns on paper, so you can see what it is you were feeling and thinking.

What I love about The Work is that you can let out all the ridiculous, completely babyish judgments and just let ’em rip on paper.

Even about your kids.

The ones who don’t deserve your criticism, because they aren’t conditioned yet, they aren’t evil bad people, they’re being little humans.

Yes, even those innocent children you get to judge, and take your judgments to inquiry.

What a relief!

You can start with kids, or if you don’t have any children who are driving you nuts, focus on someone else who makes you cray-cray.

They should quit bickering, she shouldn’t grab, he shouldn’t bite, they should go to bed, I need them to be quiet.

And don’t go flipping your concepts into turnarounds on yourself and aim it back at you, like you’re shooting a criticism gun at your own head—no—instead, notice what is revealed to you, watch what’s disturbing you really, see what your feelings are about, and relax.

When you get to the turnarounds, you might discover new ideas about how to be with your kids (or those other annoying people) in ways that make you laugh out loud, instead of screaming.

Your love for them may pour through, without you even trying.

“Who would you be without the belief that you’re supposed to love your children right now? You’d be free to love them or not, and to be a very good parent, whatever you’re feeling right now….Inquiry sets us free of trying to be anything we’re not.” ~ Byron Katie

Love,

Grace

P.S. everyone who signs up for the parenting class will receive a little book as a gift called “Byron Katie on Parents and Children”. I’ll mail it to you myself.

February 2, 2015

Want A Do-Over In A Love Relationship?

Have you ever wanted a do-over when it comes to a relationship?

Lately I’ve done The Work with many people who have romantic partner troubles.

She left, he left, I need her, he’s gone, she shouldn’t have had other partners before me, he shouldn’t have found someone else so fast, she shouldn’t have kids with another man, I’ve been hurt, abandoned, I’ve lost the other person.

Woah, it’s a long and sad tale…..for many people, for centuries.

The funny thing is, it can even hurt when you know these thoughts aren’t actually true.

When my 16 year marriage was ending, I was shocked at the level of grief, rage and fear that sometimes surfaced.

As I did The Work carefully, investigating all my inner worries…

…I discovered that I used this experience to prove there was something wrong with me, that I had missed something, made a mistake, that I had become worthy of being left.

Ow. No wonder it hurt.

The ego-centered mind just LOVES to wind up being a victim and lash out at the world…it really gets off on it.

As I began to date people (I love close, intimate relationships, so this felt really natural) I had a brand new experience I hadn’t really been aware of before.

I twisted myself up like a pretzel trying to be pleasing!

Never again did I want anyone to decide to leave me, or even entertain the idea.

Trouble is, when you try to be sooooo easy-going, so perfect, so nice, so pleasant to be around…

…you can practically make yourself sick, literally, with the falseness of it all.

It’s so fake!

(I felt anxious, vulnerable and awful during that prezel-bending time–which just happens to be when I got a cancerous tumor on my leg).

Who would you be without the belief you need to figure out what someone else wants, and do that, in order not to be rejected or win their approval?

Who would you be without the belief that it’s possible to even be rejected or abandoned or approved of, at all?

Seriously.

What if someone breaking up with you was the same as them saying “bye honey, I’m leaving for work”!

You don’t freak out when that happens, right?

You consider it NORMAL.

It would be weird if they DIDN’T ever leave!!

What if you turned these thoughts around about yourself, or your need to please or protect yourself?

He set me free, she considered me strong and independent enough to handle it, I don’t need anyone (in a good way), she should have had every single partner and all they taught her, he should have found someone else very fast to free me up, so grateful she had kids with another man, I’ve been healed, I’ve been found, I am worthy of being set free, this was a repair (not a mistake), there is something right with me.

Woohoo!

Allow yourself to feel this, not just catch it mentally in your mind.

The joy is immense. There is no need for creating barriers or shields between yourself and others, or over-pleasing.

All you do is let yourself be right here, present, loving everyone around including yourself in this amazing moment.

And watch what happens.

Here’s an example of the total goofiness in trying to carefully calculate what might please someone else….from one of my favorite movies ever….

….Groundhogs Day….

….which is TODAY!!

Laugh and be free! You get a do-over!!

Love, Grace

February 1, 2015

Calendar of Upcoming Courses The Work of Byron Katie

I often don’t email on Sundays.

This is a short and sweet quickie list of coming events since so many have asked.

So if you want to know what classes and programs are rolling out….here they are:

*Eating Peace Online – 12 week intensive – 90 min webinar each week, plus optional Weds live practice sessions 9-10:30 am and 5:15-6:45 pm PT February 22-May 13, 2015 $997

*How To Be A Happy Parent – Mondays 10-11:30 am PT February 23-April 13, 2015 8 week telecourse to investigate your painful moments in parenting, when you wish it was going differently with your kid(s) $395

*Relationship Hell To Heaven – Tuesdays 5:15-6:45 pm PT March 24-May 12, 2015 Bring any troubling relationship to inquiry to find out what’s really true about your painful interactions and give yourself peace $395

*Pain, Sickness and Death – Saturdays 7:30 – 9 am PT February 28-April 18 (no class 3/21 or 3/28) 6 sessions $295

*Seattle In Person Mini Retreat March 7 and/or June 6 1:30-5:30 pm 4 CEUs for mental health professionals The Work of Byron Katie from start to finish $70 ($55 for repeaters)

*Year of Inquiry Deep Practice Group – two openings – 3 telegroups per week, come to one or all 3. Topic changes each month. Share one mind all inquiring and waking up together! Term ends August 2015. $197 per mo plus optional May 29-31 in-person retreat in Seattle

*Breitenbush Hot Springs Annual Summer Retreat to Declare Peace June 24-28, 2015 $395 early bird ($495 after May 1) Fabulous food, nurturing environment, pristine old growth forest and natural silent soaking hot springs. Mind-Body-Freedom. Must call 503-854-3320 to register through Breitenbush. Will sell out.

Hit reply if you have any questions. Can’t wait to see you.

Love,

Grace

January 31, 2015

Does Your Happiness Depend On Getting A New Job?

The other day, a lovely inquirer sent me an email to ask if I would write a Grace Note about job loss.

As in….

….HEEEELLLLLLPPPPP! I LOST MY JOB!!!!! OMG!!

If you’ve ever had the experience of unexpectedly losing work, the one or only way you relied on income, then you might panic.

Or….could it be your thinking is making you panic?

(Say yes).

Right now, in the Money teleclass, we’re looking at Everything Money. And it’s so closely connected to Everything Work, because you do your work, it seems, to obtain the paycheck.

Otherwise, you probably wouldn’t go to that job, right?

When you like your job, or you feel happy with the security it provides, you may feel very threatened when it drops out from under you in a way you didn’t plan.

First step….breathe very deeply.

And then, do The Work.

Here’s how you might approach your predicament, if you notice you’re waking up at night, anxiously checking job postings, or freaking out….

It’s a little counter-intuitive, as in opposite of what you might naturally do.

After you’ve breathed a few big deep breaths, and relaxed yourself as best you can….

….consider your Worst Case Scenario.

I know this is odd.

But what’s deeply helpful is to actually explore, rather than going insane on the inside and trying to avoid feeling too much, your greatest fear in this situation.

What are you picturing?

Are you thinking you’ll have to move? That you’ll lose all your worldly possessions? That you’ll be considered a failure? That you’ll starve to death? That you’ll be living under a bridge?

Be realistic now.

When I lost all my money, I had visions of absolute failure. When I really thought it through and took a look a my prospects, I knew my mom would take me in (she had already offered). I knew it would take a whole lot of crazy circumstances for me to ever become homeless. Too many friends, too many family members.

It made me sick to think I was about to lose my house to foreclosure (I didn’t actually wind up losing it, but I cut it close) and I felt like sucha loser.

The shame was immense. I wouldn’t have wanted any of those family members or friends to know….that was the real problem.

My embarrassment. My self-criticism and anger with me. My fury at feeling so alone and unsupported.

So who would I be without these self-defeating beliefs? Without these visions of me the victim? Me who wasted my education, who should have gone to medical school and planned a better career?

Who would I be without the belief that I was unsupported, and foolish? Who would I be without the belief that I needed money in order to be happy?

Noticing how much I still had.

Feeling the joy and excitement of change, new possibilities, inventing a new life, open.

Turning the thoughts around: you are supported, you are being invited to something new, you are smart, connected, a winner, you don’t need more money in order to be happy.

You will be fine if you lose your house, your possessions, your car.

More than fine, it could be an incredible, magical adventure.

That’s what happened to me.

I now have a house the most perfect size for cleaning, living in, sharing with my kids and husband, having people over….and it’s an 8th the size of my old house. I’ll have it paid off completely in less than a decade.

I love every piece of work I do (well, maybe some of the admin stuff irritates me from time to time, but its rare).

I own a car without any car payments.

The sky’s the limit with my income possibilities, it just keeps going up.

Every day I get to question my thinking, and study silence (my favorite).

See the benefits of whatever it is you’ve lost. They will be there, if you look.

See how it could be a good thing that you’ve landed where you are.

You may as well give some weight to the advantage of reality, rather than objecting to it.

In fact, the more you resist, the more you lose. Bummer, but it’s true.

“When you’ve become a total success in business and have more money than you could ever spend, what are you going to have? Happiness? Isn’t that why you wanted money? Let’s take a shortcut that can last a lifetime. Answer this question: Who would you be without the story ‘My future depends on making a lot of money’?Happier. More relaxed. With or without the money. You’d have everything you wanted money for in the first place.” ~ Byron Katie in Question Your Thinking, Change The World

Who would you be, right now, without the belief you need a job, or money, to be happy?

Having a blast finding a new job?

Love, Grace

January 30, 2015

Are You Afraid It’s Not Going To Work Out Perfectly?

Who would you be without the belief it has to be perfect?

I’m preparing for the Eating Peace 3 day retreat coming up next week, exactly a week from today. It’s jamming full, with a waiting list. Wow.

When you are really excited about something coming in the future, how do you react?

Do you over-prepare? Do you make lists? Do you organize and re-organize? Do you worry?

From time to time, someone comes to me for facilitation on their stressful beliefs about an upcoming event.

A wedding, a party, a retreat, a show, an interview, a presentation, an exam.

I’ve written before about the beliefs that whatever it is has to be good.

Must. Be. Good.

But let’s say….you know it’s gonna be awesome. You know your stuff, you feel in the flow, you’ve got experience, you’re excited.

Yet, still.

There are some other stressful worries.

I noticed one last night, as I watched the clock tick past 8, past 9, past 10 pm and had no end in sight to my final curriculum preparation and writing.

My biggest problem?

What to eliminate that I’ve learned, and teach, about freeing yourself from obsession with food.

Gosh….there’s so MUCH!

How can I cram it all in???!!!!!

Oh, wait.

That’s what I used to say about FOOD, right?

How can I cram it all in?

I suddenly realized, a familiar old thought is entering my consciousness: I want to include it all, I don’t want to eliminate a thing.

Leaving something out would mean deprivation. Missing something. Not having it all.

Oh brother….time to do The Work.

Is it true that eliminating something is bad?

Is it true when making a choice that whatever is decided against might be longed for later?

People sometimes feel this way about lovers, houses they’re buying, cars, pets, flavors, majors, school, movies.

I want ALL of them, I don’t want to “have to” pick!

But who would you be without that belief?

Who would I be without the thought that deleting and eliminating some exercises, and picking only some, will mean not everything gets covered?

Who would I be without the belief that it all needs to happen ASAP, too, so that I can rest and relax AFTER I’m done?

What if it could simply go the way it goes, and I’m participating in a co-created effort….me and the universe together, inventing.

Which means, being very very kind to myself, taking a bath, going to bed, doing something light, sitting quietly doing nothing.

Because, in the end, that’s what brought me freedom from obsession and compulsive thinking and behavior around food—love and kindness for myself, in the present moment.

Simple.

If you have dreadful worries about something coming in the future…

…stop for a moment.

Ask yourself, what if I loved myself wildly right now? What if I was my absolute most brilliant, sweet, fun and clever best friend, right now in this moment?

What would I do?

You know what I just did?

I set down my laptop, stood up from where I sat on my couch, and did a little jig in the middle of my living room floor, then stretched my arms way up high, took a long, deep breath, and felt what this whole room feels like….

….looking around at the beautiful colors, smelling the air, hearing the hum of the fridge, listening to the beautiful silence.

That’s what’s happening now.

What’s happening for you right now?

“In actuality, things have already worked out, beyond the story. For in this moment, in reality, there is already no goal, no image of perfection, no comparison, no ‘should’ or ‘should not’, and the thoughts, sensations, feelings, sounds and smells appearing right now are entirely appropriate, wonderfully fitting and beautifully timely for this moment in the movie of your life….Face it. Your life is never going to work out. Hallelujah.” ~ Jeff Foster

Isn’t it so exciting to simply feel in this moment?

Maybe all is very, very well without the worry or planning.

Drop the “maybe”.

Love,

Grace

P.S. Another week of podcasts is rolling out–Monday, Wednesday and Friday this week–my little 5 minute Peace Talks. Head over to itunes to listen by clicking this link HERE and be sure to submit a rating for me! I so appreciate all of you who gave such great ratings!!

January 29, 2015

Using Housecleaning For Spiritual Awakening

Feeling a little hostile about house cleaning?

Housecleaning Wars.

You know what I’m talkin’ about, right?

He didn’t clean up after himself, they left mugs in the sink, you call that tidying a room (?), they left all the food out, he should have hung up those clothes, she shouldn’t have broken the glass, they should have swept the floor and bought a new box of garbage bags….

….yada yada yada it goes on and on.

You scan the room, you don’t like it.

It should look different than it looks.

Parents often dictate to their kids and have steam coming right out of both ears when the kids don’t do it right, or quickly enough, or at all.

But the other day, I had a very interesting experience.

The Other Side.

As in, I was the one who was seen through critical eyes–the loser who didn’t clean up right.

(Hanging head in shame).

The kitchen was bustling, people were finishing their lunch meals. A large group of 7-10 close friends were in a big private home kitchen.

There were a lot of house rules.

I mean, a lot.

I’m good at rules. I’m exquisite at rules. When there are rule-lists, I keep them (wouldn’t want to be seen as a loser, or disliked for not keeping the rules, afterall)!

I don’t like making trouble. I lean towards the least conflicted way possible.

When I was a kid, it was much faster to take care of the rules, handle the rules, not complain about the rules, do your chores…

…because the consequences of speaking up, arguing, or refusing to pitch in could mean extreme rage or exasperation from my mother.

That was worse than anything. It made me sick to my stomach with anxiety, with the fear of rejection and dismissal.

If I don’t do it well, I’ll be considered Not Good Enough.

So guess what. Of course.

Kitchen is full, lights are on, food is spread, dishes are clanking. I’ve gone to a space in the living room area, lying down, stretching, noticing I’m not hungry yet and can’t imagine eating right then, seeing how my body feels, what it wants to do….

….when, uh oh.

The dreaded worst thing ever.

Someone in the group came all the way over to where I was, looked at me very directly, and said “could you please come help in the kitchen?”

Anxiety, a question mark over my head.

When I finally asked, slightly embarrassed and afraid of the answer, if she thought I wasn’t doing enough, the answer was…..YES.

Yikes. Confirmed criminal. Ugh.

But right in that confirmation….

….who would I be without the belief that being seen critically, being seen as not good enough (no matter what it is, in this case cleaning) is a horrible thing?

I mean, why?

Does everyone need to think I’m a freakin’ genius? Or a brilliant and caring cleaner?

Ha ha!

The identity of ego is so sneaky, so massive. It would get upset at someone else getting upset with me.

It would have a hissy fit and say things inside like “how dare she!” or “the nerve!” or “she should never see me poorly!”

Who would I be without any of this? How would it feel if someone could express their honest opinion, ask a simple question, and I responded honestly?

Turning the thought around: she should ask me to help, she’s right, she can say whatever she wants, I shouldn’t ask me to help (I did this so many times in my life–said yes to something I really wanted to say no to).

In that very moment, without being motivated to please but instead being honest, I could notice my answer might be “no”.

It was also TRUE that I wasn’t helping.

I was separate from everyone else at that moment. My stomach ached a little. I had no interest in eating lunch. I was having a huge internal experience of shifting at a deep level that I couldn’t explain, and I felt slightly frightened and slightly ecstatic.

I wanted at that moment to be out of the room altogether.

It was absolutely true I wasn’t helping in the kitchen!

I had been intently talking to a visitor who was only there for a short while, who had been asking me lots of questions. I was distracted, and off.

Without the belief, entering the turnarounds, I stop the game of believing a crime has been committed, or someone has accused me and it’s terrible, or something’s wrong.

Something’s exactly right.

“So if you want to find out how openness relates to each moment, just go inside. Be that openness. Be that emptiness. All you can do is ask yourself, inquire for yourself. How is it relating to this thought in my head? To this person? To this moment? You can see this. Go directly to the source, to the only authority that is finally liberating: your own awakeness, your own emptiness perceiving this moment. It will teach you how to live.” ~ Adyashanti

If the one who get adversarial, or wants to prove it’s worthy of being admired, gets involved, then BAM…

…Everything becomes very, very small and imploded into this fighting moment, now.

But without all that…

…even housecleaning wars become a moment to use for spiritual awakening instead of spiritual sleeping.

So lucky, so lucky.

Love, Grace

January 29, 2015

Eating Peace: What Goes In Your Journal Part 1

Have you wondered what you’re supposed to write in your journal about food and eating?

Three key things come to mind that may help a lot:

your sense of hunger and fullness in situations with food
how you are feeling emotionally
what you really, really want (instead of, or besides, food)

These are big, wide subjects.

But getting your feelings and thoughts out from the inside of you to something you can re-read and investigate is sooooo powerful.

Don’t worry about making it perfect, or re-reading it right away.

First, simply express yourself.

See what’s going on.

Slow everything down to slow, slow motion—because then you’ll see what’s really there, without it fogging out or disappearing before you realize what drove you to eat the uncomfortable way in the first place.

Watch here to hear how I worked with my Binge Journal. Let me know how it goes for you by leaving a comment below the video–I’ll respond if you have questions!

Eating Peace – What goes in the Journal Part 1

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Eating Peace Workshop is sold out. If you’d like to be on the waiting list for the upcoming retreat here in north Seattle, write grace@workwithgrace.com. Click HERE to read more about the retreat.

January 28, 2015

Not Enough Time? An Unexpected Place To Find Some

The pull of everyday life can seem *crazy* busy, right?

Common cries of most people are thoughts like these:

we’ve got only 15 minutes to get lunch made, kids loaded, breakfast eaten, and get to school on time—-HURRY!

I have 102 emails in my Inbox and they need replies

my job takes such a huge chunk out of my day, how will I ever have time for meditation, journaling, healing my thoughts, doing The Work, becoming enlightened

there are so many requests or demands for my time

it would be selfish to focus on myself, or too expensive to focus on myself (I would need to spend money)

there’s always something! I “have to” go to the store, do laundry, write, get my project finished, fix something that broke, put out a fire

The underlying view: I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME!!!!!

Such a good one for inquiry.

First…..are you sure it’s true?

OMG Yes!

If I never slept, all would be well. If there were 28 hours in a day, if I could set the clock back ten years, if, if, if…..

You know what that thought feels like when you think it.

You run lists.

Your heart beats fast, you get all squeezed and wound up tight tight tight.

You imagine what will happen if you do NOT take care of the list.

Your imagination runs wild with being late, getting fired, people being unhappy with you, losing money, having a bad future–whether its tomorrow, or your upcoming vacation.

Or, worst of all, you might never ever accomplish your greatest dreams.

They all take TIME.

And you don’t have it.

Disappointment, sadness, rage, irritation, fury, fear, anxiety.

Last night, I was in an airport after a beautiful 4 day retreat with a small group and teacher I work with these days, in a very deeply meaningful study of stillness and silence.

Early in the morning and late in the evening, outside of our small group time together every day, I wrote my Grace Notes and checked emails.

It felt easy and sweet, not a problem.

Hitting the airport, visions of my upcoming Eating Peace retreat came to mind and little to-do’s needing to happen in these final ten days before it occurs.

I need to stick this into the curriculum, get the little papers with questions on them written for that exercise, order notebooks, get a good map for our location, etc.

Although I’m mostly joyful, thrilled (its sold out) and excited to meet everyone coming to the retreat…I had to take a deep breath and remember, this is the real retreat for me, right now.

Right here, in the airport. On the road. In daily life.

If you don’t exactly get there all that easily (I remember lack-of-time freak-outs very well, and I bet you five bucks they happen again) then you are very, very normal.

Consider right now, as you take the time to read this….

….who would you be without the belief that you need more time, for anything? Without the belief running in your mind that you don’t have enough time to follow your dreams or achieve them?

Without the belief that it takes more time to awaken?

Wow. Seriously?

How could that be possible?

Just check.

Who would you be without that idea entering your mind?

“Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time–past and future–the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Without the idea of time being necessary, I wouldn’t focus on five minutes from now. I wouldn’t build a story out of my end-of-life, I wouldn’t move into the drama of things-not-done.

I’d kick back on the airplane and close my eyes and feel the pulse of life beating in my veins and the edges of the universe in every direction.

Ha ha!

Just a small thing, no big deal.

And even while I’m doing tasks for coming events, I can remember to feel presence buzzing, now.

You can too!

Turn the thought around: It doesn’t matter what time it is or how late you are or when you get that thing done. It’s OK if you don’t finish. You don’t “have to”, no one is forcing you to do anything.

Remember how funny it is. Laugh when you start thinking you don’t have enough time.

You DO have just the exact right amount of time.

Or maybe YOU don’t have any time, it’s not in your command, so just give up and give in and show up when you do–everything exactly on time at the perfect moment.

Ahhhhhhhhh.

Love, Grace

January 27, 2015

Question Suffering, Become Service

helpingpeople — When you question your fear of other people suffering…and find the truth…you may be of brilliant service

When other people are suffering, how do you feel?

Noticing your own response can offer huge revelation to how you react to others….

….and where it might go wrong.

Wrong….meaning: they hurt, you hurt, and now, no one is at peace.

Let’s do The Work here.

So, someone you love is hurting.

They’re crying, or talking wildly fast with fear and anxiety, or sitting in despair after telling you “I just found out I have cancer.”

Maybe they’re opening up and telling about their road through hellish addiction, or confessing their truth about wrong-doing, or the torture they feel about their kids, spouses or financial situation.

Or one of the worst fears: a person you care about is so unhappy, they threaten suicide.

Whew.

A lot of us are trained or conditioned to worry immediately when someone else is troubled.

How DO you react when you believe its a bad, bad thing that someone is suffering?

Do you go ballistic trying to save them?

You call professionals, you check in with them daily, your energy moves out into wondering how they are constantly, or where they are, if they’re alive, are they OK.

Do you feel terror, sadness, panic or awful grief yourself?

Hand-wringing, hand-wringing.

Many years ago, I got a job working on an academic research project where I needed to go interview patients in their homes who were on hospice care (meaning, they were terminally ill) and ask them questions about their pain, their depression and their quality of life.

The first person I visited happened to be a woman only a few years older than I was, who was dying of breast cancer.

I was a perfect stranger with a laptop, coming over and asking her many personal questions about how she felt, how frightened she was, if she felt cared for from day to day.

She openly answered all of them.

When I left and went to my car, I sat a moment in the parking lot and wept.

Over the weeks, months, and years ahead, I got far more comfortable spending time with people on hospice. I learned of all kinds of diseases from hundreds of cancers to congenital heart failure to Lou Gehrig’s (ALS) disease and made friends with people who had them all, visiting them every week.

All those friends died.

Who would you really, really be without the belief that this other person’s suffering is scary, or difficult, or you need to quick do something to help them? Who would you be without the thought that their dying, or hurting (even emotionally) means anything about you?

I know it’s very weird to imagine this belief.

But it can be incredibly liberating to sit with someone in pain and not feel pain yourself.

Because let’s face it….you don’t.

“Hurt feelings or discomfort of any kind cannot be caused by another person. No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I believe a stressful thought that I get hurt. And I’m the one who’s hurting me by believing what I think.” ~ Byron Katie

This includes in situations where someone else is in a state of great distress, emotionally or physically.
Without the belief that it means something personally about you, and it’s frightening….

….you might be more compassionate, more connecting, more close to those people.

You might have a very, very wide open mind that knows nothing about this person’s predicament, and you show up in service without avoiding, without giving advice, without trying to change them.

Including, not trying to keep them alive or fix all their troubles.

(I tried to do this as a parent. It doesn’t work.)

I don’t know about you, but when people have just sat with me and listened quietly, without being frightened, without panicking, without giving me any advice….

….it’s felt like heaven.

Turning the thoughts around: if someone is suffering, it is not scary, it isn’t bad, bad, bad, it’s not so dreadful, its the way of it right at that moment.

How could this be as true, or truer?

This isn’t to deny the reality of physical pain, sickness, decay or traumatic life experiences….

….just noticing how dang normal these are.

They happen everyday!

Where did we get the idea they shouldn’t? Who thought that up?

Turning the thoughts around again: if I am suffering, its not scary, it isn’t so bad, bad, bad, it’s not so dreadful, its the way of it at this moment.

Sorrow or grief wells up, I feel fear, but if I stay with it, I notice it changes, it morphs.

It crashes like a wave on the sand and recedes.

It falls back into silence….just like everything else, without thought.

“When you approach the edges you feel insecurity, jealousy, fear, or self-consciousness. You pull back, and if you are like most people, you stop trying. Spirituality begins when you decide that you’ll never stop trying. Spirituality is the commitment to go beyond, no matter what it takes.” ~ Michael Singer

Stay with those you love who are suffering.

Question you can’t handle it, or they can’t.

Notice how you both can.

“The further one goes, the less one knows.” ~ Tao Te Ching

Love, Grace

January 25, 2015

Three things to consider if The Work isn’t working

What if The Work isn't working? — What if The Work isn’t working?

Several people have written to ask me lately….

….what do I do if The Work isn’t really working?

They’ve explained that they’ve done The Work over and over again on the same person, or they feel continually depressed, or they’ve got a terrible addiction like eating or drinking or smoking, or they hate their situation-job, spouse, marriage, home, kids, finances, spiritual.

They’ve done The Work, many times even, and have No Results.

“What do I do now?” they ask.

If you’re someone who’s had this despairing question…

…I don’t know what exactly is happening, but I can tell you what’s been true in my experience when I’ve had this question myself.

It’s one of THREE possibilities, every time, when I have the same belief or troubling experience repeat itself again in my life.

1) Even though I say or “think” I’ve been doing The Work, I haven’t been….not really.

It’s been more like I’ve been finding turnarounds in my head while driving my car, or I’ve been wondering for a few minutes who I would be without my stressful belief and coming up with a blank, or I’ve started worksheets and never finished them.

I really haven’t started from zero, filled a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet out very, very slowly and with care and contemplation to get the best thoughts down on paper, and then gone through each thought one by one.

It’s sooooooo hard!

Isn’t there a shortcut or something?

Um. Not really.

The Work IS the shortest shortcut.

2) I’ve had a really sneaky, deep, and desperate underlying motive.

Like I’m clawing for solid ground, I just want a fear-free answer, a place of peace NOW!!

This means, when you start doing The Work you might have a “plan” on where you’ll end up (blissful) or what will happen (magic, joy, happiness) after you question your thinking.

You are refusing to tolerate the depth of despair, depression or loss.

You’re against suffering….

….so you can’t allow yourself to see something True for you, because you believe it hurts (you forgot you could do The Work on THAT pain as well).

You try to use The Work to bypass the pain, and get to the good part ASAP.

It’s so normal to try to feel better, but if you’re trying to whistle in the dark, there will be a fake feeling….

….even just a teensy bit of a fake feeling….

….and you won’t fall to your knees, with the Truth rising above all else.

(As I said, that’s the way its been for me-if it works for you to try to be positive like saying affirmations or eliminating your “negative” thoughts, then go for it!)

3) Lastly, something or someone is repeatedly bugging me or triggering sorrow because I haven’t gotten to the very root core of my inquiry (yet).

I thought I was “done” with that.

But no.

Sorry, Charlie.

You just lost, again. You were just betrayed, again. You were just criticized, again. You were ambushed, again. You were conned, again. You shouldn’t have trusted, again. You should have trusted, again. You shouldn’t have loved, again. You missed out, again. You got scared, again.

Sigh.

Be very, very gentle with yourself.

How do you know you’re supposed to be right in the middle of what you’re feeling, thinking, hearing, seeing, doing, or experiencing?

You are.

A brief story:

After two years of doing The Work myself, very intently after it was introduced into my life, this very question rose up for me one day in a really deep look at someone I was so pissed off at, I could hardly see straight.

“This guy was such a jerk!” I thought.

Arrrrrrgggghhhhh!

I HATED him. I hated myself for trying to be friends with him, and going back for more interactions.

I hated myself for hating him.

Surely, I wasn’t seeing something?

My mind must be twisted and ridiculous. There must be something wrong with me. I needed to do The Work MORE on this guy, I was so disturbed in his presence.

I raised my hand at an event with Byron Katie and asked “I’m doing The Work many times on this one person I find so disturbing, and I’m still furious!”

Katie replied, “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? You are!”

Oh.

Wow.

I’ve been working this whole time with an underlying motive that I should be “loving what is” about everyone at all times, including this obnoxious screwed up mentally ill person.

Almost immediately, my objection to this person and his words and behaviors, completely shifted.

That was THE WAY HE WAS. The way of it.

I was not in control of this situation. I was not the ruler of the universe, including all the self-criticism I had of ME for feeling HATE.

This would not change, just like the weather.

I could rage and scream at myself (and him) and the storm clouds, and have a hissy fit every time it rained…

…or I could calm down, and take good care of myself, and pursue what I really wanted.

I was free.

I was suddenly no longer angry.

I was simply clear that I really didn’t want to interact with him in the way I had, and I was instantly so very grateful for everything he had ever said and done.

I understood.

That was the last time I ever did The Work on that person, and every time I think of him, I really do now smile-I had some of the most amazing learning experiences of my life in the presence of that person.

“In The Way, nothing is personal. You are merely an instrument in the hands of the forces, participating in the harmony of balance. You must reach the point where your whole interest lies in the balance and not in any personal preference for how things should be. It’s that way with all of life. The more you can work with the balance, the more you can just sail through life. Effortless action is what happens when you come into the Tao. Life happens, you’re there, but you don’t make it happen. There is no burden, there is no stress. The forces take care of themselves as you sit in the center. That is the Tao. It’s the most beautiful place in all of life. You can’t touch it, but you can be at one with it.” ~ Michael Singer

Love, Grace