Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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Yikes! Workaholics Doing The Work?

You’d think the LAST thing anyone would want to give a
workaholic…would be something called, “The Work!”

Like adding fuel to the fire?
Like giving a cat burglar your house key?
Like giving a beaver a chainsaw?
Like Bill Gates winning the lottery?

And speaking from (LOTS of) experience, it’s actually
pretty hard NOT to try to use your own established, painful
patterns–in my case, workaholic-neurotic–when you first start inquiring
into your thinking.

Like the fly endlessly droning on the window, struggling in the
same old way to get out…and TRULY EXPECTING a different result.

In other words, we try to work “hard” to make “The Work”
work just that little bit better…

…just a little bit more control (which hurts)
…just a little bit more force (which hurts)
…just a little bit more manipulation (which hurts)

Like going bowling and watching the ball heading toward the
right gutter…so you tense up and lean to the right to “make” it go straight!

It’s funny what we do. If something doesn’t work, why not just do the same
thing? Only harder?

And when we’re in the midst of the desperation and struggle and
“workaholism”…it seems to make absolutely perfect sense.

We actually BELIEVE we’re going to “fix” the situation with
more of the same…harder, faster, more pressure…and more of
the INTERNAL VIOLENCE AGAINST OURSELVES that has
never worked in the first place.

It’s just more of the subtle ways we try to exert our “control”
over ourselves and everything around us.

We’re so amazingly laser-ed in on fixing ourselves so we
can finally have money, order, control, enough accomplished,
more time, and improve just a little more…

…that THEN, we can finally relax, take a break, and be happy.

It’s my story to the hilt! Years and years of agony, trying harder,
and more and more force that just made me more miserable.
Honestly, I was doing it a little to myself this past week, while
doing taxes! Here comes the mind, creeping in with it’s “good
ideas” for working harder…

When I first tried to do The Work I couldn’t sit still long enough
to really get anywhere.

Some people have breakthroughs by going to a “Katie event.”
Some by doing The Work on the Helpline.
Some by going to the School (which is what I did, 3 times).
Some by working with one of the many fabulous facilitators
on the Byron Katie website.
Some by working in teleclasses where you realize the
astonishing fact that everyone’s thoughts are just like yours!

Such a relief!

It can seem like a “new” revelation…over and over and over…

…as you educate your mind.

Because your MIND would have you believe that it’s JUST YOU.

That you’re the only one suffering…you’re ALONE…there’s
no one out there…there’s no hope…you’ll never succeed…

…so why bother trying? You never make it.

Some people see suicide as the only way out. I sure thought about it,
but that’s the mind’s job and it’s incredibly subtle in leading you
down the same old path…believing it will finally work…THIS time.

My new teleclass is for:

-work-aholics
-overwhelm-aholics
-money-aholics
-get-motivated-aholics
-stress-aholics
-finally-get-organized-aholics,
-fix-myself-aholics
-I’ve-gotta-quit-procrastinating-aholics
-success-books-aholics
-success-seminar-aholics

Because they all hurt.

The teleclass where we get to sidetrack those runaway trains-to-nowhere
and despair, and finally steer them to the gentle, peaceful station
that’s the home within ourselves…where we can breathe and let
our knotted stomachs relax and let our aching shoulders drop.

The teleclass starts on Wednesdays, Feb. 22nd for 8 weeks of working
together and partnering–to looking at the pain of work and money.

Sending you relief from stress and trying so hard,

Grace

“Grace, I love how you are so affirming of everyone’s process and are 
such an accepting/loving presence.”–Celia, teleclass participant

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Superbowl Baloney Vs Blasphemy

It’s easy to dismiss the Superbowl as unimportant or baloney.

A lot of people do. I didn’t watch any of it.  I didn’t think about it much…I knew
people were out there enjoying themselves watching it and I wondered who was
winning and losing…but some people even speak as if they’re AGAINST the
Superbowl itself!

“There are more important things going on in the world…why make such
a fuss over something so ridiculous and contrived and UNimportant in the
great scheme of things?”

“Just a bunch of overgrown boys who promote violence, and competition…
pushing a stupid ball back and forth on a field.”

“All this fuss over a GAME. Look at all the money, the advertising, the
hype!”

But the fans might really think any of this kind of thinking is BLASPHEMY!

So who’s “right?” Wow, it’s just another competition!

One of the things I love about watching Byron Katie work with people is the
way she never “takes sides”…even when the person she’s working with seems
to have an absolutely LEGITIMATE case…

…even when I don’t notice that I’m subtly starting to “agree” with the persons story…
as are the people around me.

Katie also says that the longer you do The Work, the more you start to see that
EVERYTHING is a metaphor of mind.

So if you have no attachment to sports, whether it be the Superbowl or the soccer
matches in parts of the world where people are sometimes KILLED during rioting…

Watch your own reactions to:

Liberals vs Conservatives
Atheists vs Believers
Deep vs Shallow People
Accepting vs Judgmental People
Materialist vs Spiritual
Capitalist vs Humanitarian
Arrogant vs Humble
Rich vs Poor
Terrorist vs World Peace Activist
Haves vs Have Nots
Woman’s Rights vs Male Oppressors
Polar bears/Ozone layer/Global Warming vs
Big Oil & Earth-Destroying Uncaring Corporations

…and of course, the postman (or woman) vs the dogs!

Or… if it’s not sports, watch your reactions to a son or daughter or niece or nephew’s
performance at a debate, singing or piano recital, or spelling bee.

How do you feel in your body? Are you SO wanting them to do well…is it stressful?
Can you hardly stand the tension?

I can remember almost being sick before a cross-country meet when I was back in college, or before I went on stage when in the theater.

Or how are you doing right before a job interview?

There’s freedom in questioning ALL of the above…and less tension and stress in your body when you do…and more love.

As Katie also says, “What you’re left with AFTER you question your thinking is ALWAYS kinder than your story.”

One of my favorite places to question thoughts and judgments is in our RELATIONSHIPS…the “who’s right and who’s wrong” and the “winning and losing” can become incredibly painful.

So much so that the argument “takes over” and all we want to do is PROVE that our most beloved friends, children, lovers, co-workers…

…ARE WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!

It’s the real nitty-gritty of our lives.

But it can be so confusing, and so hard to stop, even when it makes no sense at all and
everybody loses…

…just as intense as a screaming match between Giants and Patriots fans on
Superbowl Sunday.

And is it really any different?

The countdown to my next “Relationship Hell into Heaven” teleclass is just 3 days.
It starts on Super Friday, at 8 am PST for 8 weeks of uncovering what is happening
when we’re hurting the ones we love, hurting ourselves with the bitter negative thinking
about ourselves, and can’t seem to stop.

Wishing you clarity and laughter when you feel yourself getting caught up in winning and losing…

And by the way…I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out! (I love that joke).
Yes, laughing about competition is MUCH more fun than hating the competition.

Love,
Grace

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Non Superbowl Suicide Survival Testimonial

I was going to write an e-mail that had something to do
with the upcoming Superbowl…maybe about how powerful
our internal “winning and losing” can be…not just in fueling
the multi-billion-dollar sports industry…

But in arguments and power struggles with the people we
dearly love and cherish…that start as innocent differences of
opinion…but that then escalate…almost with a life of their
own…into winning and losing that hurts and attacks.

But I got this e-mail in response to the one Friday about
cravings and trying to fill ourselves and our lives with other things…

…like food, sex, money, looking beautiful, being smart and getting
lots of degrees, exercise, power, enough approval to make the
pain stop…it’s all the same thing.
———
Dear Grace,

I had tears in my eyes when I was reading your e-mail from yesterday.

I could really see how your struggle with food and eating was just
like my attempts to do enough, and learn enough when I was
in my early twenties.

I was innocently trying to make myself OK, but didn’t know how.

I tried with all my strength but I just couldn’t ever succeed at what
I was trying to do which wasn’t anything all that unusual.

I was in such despair and depression after trying over and over
that I just couldn’t try any more and I couldn’t see that my struggle
would ever end.

I finally took sleeping pills and booze, to make sure it was enough
to kill me because no matter what, I didn’t want to go through this anymore.
My mom found me and I was rushed to the hospital
and was in a coma for a couple days.

I woke up and was then angry to still be alive and on top of everything
else, I would now have to face the embarrassment of having
tried to commit suicide.

Like you, and so many people I’ve talked to, I’ve done a life time
of seeking with every therapy, meditation technique, prayer, success
seminar, religion, book, practice, soul searching, journaling, and
trying to find answers from people I thought could provide them.

It seems that I learned something from everything, but with doing
The Work these last years, it seems that all my previous searching
makes sense and I have compassion for myself and what I was
doing and though I still struggle with many things, I notice a
deepening sense of peace and little by little, struggle less and less.

I find that working alone and with others in teleclasses and the
helpline and with friends who do The Work, I have a common
language of the soul to continue this process.

Sometimes there are periods where I actually don’t struggle
or strain at all.

It’s not a big mystical thing like I thought it would be.

But it is the greatest gift and miracle I could ever imagine to
just feel OK as an ordinary person.

–A friend in The Work and in Life.
—————–
I love hearing from this dear fellow traveler about his own life
journey.

Come join one of the upcoming teleclasses, all listed here. We
laugh, we cry, we investigate….amazing!

Love,
Grace

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Craving Torture Freedom

Craving. Wanting. Desiring. Grabbing. Needing.

I used to have this experience on a daily basis. If I didn’t
have an overwhelming compulsion to eat food, I might have
been in the middle of smoking a cigarette (yes, I used to smoke).
Or I might have been drinking wine.

The feeling was sooooo strong, sooooo dramatic and intense.

My mind was convinced “if I can’t get something to satisfy
my craving, I will die, I will explode, I will go crazy!”

Nevermind that right in the middle of that thought I felt
entirely and completely CRAZY already.

I had a one-track, focused, determined mind. I WANT.

Then, after indulging….I would feel desperate, full of despair, full of
self-hate (why can’t I control this???) and suicidal.

I would get a PLAN. I’ll get a new diet and do yoga, say affirmations,
have a meditation practice, get up at 6 am to exercise, buy
special food….and follow the plan. I’d get CONTROL of the
situation. of myself, of my symptoms, of my cravings.

But I always knew there must be another way…..

There must be a way to live without such intense craving,
without feeling crazy, without wanting to destroy myself.

I began to look at the moment of CRAVING and seeing what was
going on right in that split second. I had amazing guides along the
way; therapists, friends, practitioners….

And I began to question my thinking right in that moment of craving.
What do I actually really, really want? Is it true that I MUST get
something or go crazy? Is it true that I can’t handle this feeling right
now? Is it absolutely true that I am needy, or that I NEED SOMETHING
NOW OR I WILL EXPLODE??!!

I slowed down and found out what was actually true, for me.

That’s what we do in the teleclass group Horrible Food Wonderful Food.
We look at different parts of our thinking about eating, craving, wanting,
diets, plans, fat, thin…..watching all the thoughts that gallop along with curiosity.
What is this moment showing me? What is this feeling?

Even if you’re not sure what you’re thinking….it starts to become
clear. And it’s fun! It’s not torture!

Wow, who would have ever thought that CRAVING would be OK.
Even FUN.

And guess what? I haven’t felt the pull of craving turning into self-hate
around food, smoking or drinking for many years now. Everyone
has their own journey, their own timeline….but for someone who once
wanted to commit suicide just to get out of the cycle of craving, my
thoughts are now my friends and I love all my interactions with food!

You can have this too, I know it.

The next teleclass starts Saturdays (only offered once a year on the
weekend) February 11th, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. You can do The Work for
breakfast, as Katie likes to say (although I know some of you will be
in other distant time zones so you can do The Work for lunch…or dinner!)

To your freedom,

Grace

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Bogus See-Saw Thinking

The National Science Foundation several years back estimated that
most humans think around 50 thousand thoughts per day.  Many of these
thoughts (you many have noticed) are the opposites of each other.

It’s like riding a SEE-SAW!

“I’d be happier if I was alone”…”I’d be happier if I was with a life-partner
and had a big huge family”…”I’d be happier if I had more room in my
house”…”I’d be happier if I down-sized and got rid of all my stuff”…
“I’d be happier if I quit my job”….”I’d be happier if I got a promotion”…

Back and forth and back and forth….the same ideas, over and over again.

I speak from experience.

And it got really discouraging, sometimes deeply depressing, sometimes
making me want to stay in bed all day. Or smoke, drink, eat, run, spend.

One of my favorite movies of all time is Ground Hog Day. The main
character gets stuck in the same day, over and over and over again.

Just like our thoughts, and moods…Up Down Up Down.

Yesterday I worked with a client who was feeling unhappy about
being so alone in her life. The day before, I worked with a client who
was really tired of her 20 year marriage.

Doing The Work is like jumping off the see-saw.

When it comes to relationships….wow, being able to take just one of
these repeating thoughts, stop the see-saw, and HOLD STILL for a few
minutes, as long as it takes to ask “is it absolutely true?” And then
keep going with each step in The Work.

Doing The Work on being alone and sad….or on that rotten, difficult,
unsatisfying relationship in your life….I have found this stops the
see-saw.

Everything becomes still, peaceful, slow….even hilarious, like in
the movie Ground Hog Day.

If you’re noticing thousands of repeating thoughts about another
person….first of all, you’re normal, since there are 50 thousand
thoughts in only one day.

And, regular normal people, like you and me, can get off the see-saw
ride and stand delighted, full of joy, skipping down the street…at peace
and enjoying your own thinking, enjoying your own life…
like Bill Murray at the end of the movie.

Come along and join the adventure in the upcoming teleclass
‘Turning Relationship Hell Into Heaven” that starts Friday,
Feb. 10th.

Happy Ground Hog Day and See-Sawing in the Playground,

Grace

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It’s Not A Thought—I Just FEEL It

Have you ever noticed that you’re suddenly just feeling lousy?

And it seems there’s really “no good reason?”

But you hear all this Byron Katie stuff about feeeeeelings coming because you’re believing a “thought?”

And you can’t find any thought that made you feel this way?

And you think it may be a crock about feelings coming from thoughts?

Because the misery just HAPPENS!

The guilt just APPEARS!

The fear in suddenly THERE!

Well it’s very common. I hear it in my teleclasses and individual sessions all the time.

Thoughts streak through our minds with blazing speed.

And not just ONE thought, but sometimes dozens in seconds.

Then suddenly a flood of anger or shame or hate, is twisting our stomachs and flooding our shaking bodies with adrenaline.

That’s why putting the thoughts on paper helps “hold” your thinking in place…so you can finally take a look at it.

Katie says, that at one time, she couldn’t sit still enough to write anything.

And I, personally, had been trying to do The Work for a long time before I could actually be present enough to sit “with” my thinking.

That’s why facilitating with a partner can be so helpful.

Your partner/faciliator “holds” your thought for you, gently bringing you back, when the mind goes racing off on a rabbit trail…

…which is it’s job. That’s what the mind does.

The other day, one of teleclass members sent me a note about the continuing relationship they have with other members from a class from about 6 months ago.

They’re now in ANOTHER class together…tenderly “holding” thoughts for each other again.

The sweetness and kindness they hold for each other made my heart just swell with gratitude…and wonder…and amazement.

This process continues to “knock my socks off”…a hundred times a day.

So just continue to do YOUR work. Be patient and gentle with yourself and expect nothing. Let it DO you. Give yourself the gift of letting someone “hold” your precious thinking for you…

Whether it’s on paper, listening to audios, on the helpline, in a teleclass, with a friend, or at a “Katie event.”

With love, wonder, and amazement,

Grace

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Send-Off To Money Class Participants

A sweet goodbye and “sendoff” during our 8th teleclass.

To sweet friends I carry with me, whether we’re together
on our teleclass, doing exercises together between classes,
meeting at a “Katie event”…or who knows where.

From Kenya, Japan, Florida, Seattle, New York, Minnesota…
performers, doctors, artists, actor, teacher, sister facilitator.

Someone said, as we were about to end the last call, how amazing
it is that we, as we’re doing The Work, can just come together in
a blink of an eye and become a community of mutual support.

And we can look, almost immediately, into the darkest corners
of our lives–that can turnaround into the brightest.

And what a relief to “compress” time.

It’s so wonderful we don’t need years of gradually getting to know
each other, taking tentative steps to see if it’s safe, before we can
open up to the most important things…

…troubling, hateful, scary, shameful, …exciting, precious, exhilarating!

And somehow, The Work provides a framework to shine the light
ANYWHERE…at anything…on anyone…at any time…no matter
how horrible or impossible or disgusting the situation or the
people in your life seems to be.

It’s great that the worst thing that can EVER happen is a thought.

And one other thing I love is The Work (amidst oceans of things
I love) is it’s NOT about following a “guru” who has “the” answers.

I’ve heard Byron Katie say so many times, that it’s NOT about
“her,” or “her” answers, or about doing what “she” does,
but about finding the answers to YOUR OWN questions.

And heaven forbid, it’s not about following ME or my answers!!!!

That’s why I love hearing about group members continuing to
work together long after the “official teleclass” is over.

So do your Work alone, with friends, at events, or join me
on one of my 3 upcoming teleclasses that start in the next 2 weeks.

They’re all 8-week courses, starting on Feb. 10 and 11 (see below).

Love to all,

Grace

“Grace, I love how you are so affirming of everyone’s process and are 
such an accepting/loving presence.”–Celia, teleclass participant

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Extreme Relationship Thinking

I’ll never forget when my daughter was a little girl (she is now 14)
and I watched her do the thing we sometimes do when we’re not getting 100% connection and attention from a friend. When we’re not getting what we want!

She was REALLY angry. Another little girl was visiting and they were
playing with dolls. I suddenly heard my daughter’s voice yelling
“I’m NEVER GOING TO BE YOUR FRIEND AGAIN!”

I looked into the room to see her standing with her arms crossed giving
the evil eye to her playmate, the room full of stunned silence.

Oh the agony! The drama!

But I have found that us grown-ups have the same kind of voice on the
inside, the same one that when we’re hurt or when we think we’re not going
to get what we think we want, says “…NEVER!” or “…ALWAYS!”

When my marriage was ending seven years ago, I was extra fearful.
I wasn’t sure I could live on my own. I had a lot of stories about
relationships and what husbands and wives were supposed to act like.

I had lots of thoughts that had the words “never!” and “always!” in them.

Thoughts like “I’ll never love again”…”I’ll always be abandoned”…”I’ve
never been good at living alone”…”My children will always remember
this as horrible”…

When I was the most scared, my mind would fill up with all kinds of
horrifying scenarios. I’d imagine myself living on the street pushing
around a shopping cart. I would feel anger, resentment, terror, agonizing
grief.

Thank goodness for The Work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Was I really abandoned? Did this all really mean I did something wrong?

What would it be like if I didn’t believe that thought?!

What if it was possible that life was actually going exactly as it was going,
and I could be…..peaceful? Content? Ready for adventure?

I noticed I was breathing, I had shelter, food, a car, books, friends, three
awesome sisters, a great mom, a huge, loving extended family, fantastic
neighbors…and FINALLY time to myself that I had always wanted.

And there was more, and more, and more that I noticed.

I started realizing that change in an important relationship was only
change, not a gigantic disaster. It was even exciting!

If you’d like to join the journey to peace with an important person
in your life….your spouse, your mother, your son, your co-worker…

Come join the next teleclass:

Relationship Hell to Heaven: Fridays, Feb 10 – April 6, 2012
8 – 9:30 am Pacific Time

Much love and peace,

Grace

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Sexuality Class #2

Wow again. I’m so grateful.

We just finished sexuality teleclass #2, and it such a blessing to have a
forum, a sanctuary, a safe haven with dear friends…

…to bring light into darkness and pain…as we question our thoughts.

Because no matter the topic–food, relationships, sex, money–whatever
we hide and are ashamed of, it’s always painful.

But it just seems that sex has more thoughts-per-square inch
than other topics…even though I know it’s not true.

Today it ALL seemed to come up…

-desperate needing
-using sex for love
-using sex for stress management
-wanting people to like us (both women and men)
-thinking “we or they” are perverted (both men and women)
-first noticing our bodies as kids
-taking advantage of others and ourselves (both women and men)
-masturbation (both women and men)

So much per square inch…both pain and pleasure.

It’s so painful when our natural curiosity, fascination, impulses,
fun, and goodness are turned IN on ourselves as accusation,
shame, humiliation, hiding, and desperate pretending.

On the other hand, being in question #4 and then turning it around…

There’s gentleness, passion, hilarity, pleasure, love, goofiness (that’s me)
and laughing at ourselves…and having another playground to explore.

We even talked about our male and female “equipment” and letting it
have its life…

…like watching people just do what they do without judgment…
what IS… as if watching as aliens from another planet and just
seeing what this interesting species is all about.

It’s such a freeing perspective not to analyze every little breath we take
and criticize every thought and impulse…which is soooo exhausting!

And not very good foreplay, either!

It’s hard to have fun or passion with your THINKING
looking over your shoulder with a scowl…tapping it’s foot…
ready to rap your knuckles if you put an eyelash out of line.

So be gentle with yourself with everything sexual about you…your
shape, your smell, your thoughts, your desires, your “equipment!”

Sending love and acceptance and fun,

Grace

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Say It! Say No!

I’ve been known to say that if I only did The Work
on my thoughts about saying “No”….enough lightbulbs
would go off to light up the whole city of Seattle in January!

That takes a LOT of lightbulbs….(have you heard about
how much sun Seattle gets in January? Let’s just say it’s the
opposite of tropical).

I used to think it was rude to say “No”.

If I said “No”, I needed to explain myself and give a really good excuse
for saying “No”—like “my grandmother is sick”.

If I said “No”, I needed to give something in exchange for
saying “No”, to soften the harshness of the mean, nasty word “No”.
Like, “I can’t buy that for you right now, but later we can watch
a movie together” (and I didn’t really want to watch
the movie either).

If I said “No”, I recognized that I was really afraid that some
person in my life, even that stranger who asked me for $10 on the
street, would get angry, resentful, hurt, sad, or frightened.

If that person felt any of those feelings, they would hurt me
or go away. They wouldn’t like me.

Oh the horror of someone not liking me!

It’s pretty funny, but I’m not kidding that it felt really, really, really painful
on the inside. I REALLY wanted people to like me, I wanted
their approval, and I thought that if they did, I would feel happy.

I still get moments like this, but I’ve got The Work now, so I can
question ANYTHING that feels uncomfortable. Like getting asked
for something, and then seeing that my answer is “No”.

That’s what I love about looking deeply at Relationships that are
important in my life. The people I see the most often, interract with
regularly, or who have been in my life the longest, these folks are
often the ones I notice I want to please.

I can’t wait to start again with looking at those other people….
my kids, colleagues, mother, grandfather, partner….and bring
what I think about them to the surface for inquiry.

I love shining the lightbulbs on all these crazy, mean, nasty,
frightening thoughts….and finding out how I really want to
answer when someone says “can you do something for me?”

“No!” is so much fun now. So is “Yes!” Wow, this is freedom!!

Come join a wonderful group to look at just the kind of thinking
that gets you feeling stuck, mad, or pissy…

Much love, fun, and lightbulb flashes,

Grace