| I’ve been living with my adorable husband for 4 years now, and known for five, but never had the opportunity to assembly a piece of IKEA furniture together.
If you haven’t put IKEA furniture together before….you’re in for an adventure in analysis, patience, deciphering code, and victory. We put a wardrobe together for 5 hours….well, ALMOST put it together. Was that worth the cost of the reduced fee for a sturdy pine wardrobe, I ask? And let’s define sturdy, by the way… But I digress! The most important thing I found very intriguing was my inner thought patterns that flowed out towards this person I know very well, my team mate on this project. Goal = get wardrobe built. During that goal….oh look. Gosh, was that ME who was thinking such things?
The whole thing was hysterically funny, really. I was like a dog holding a bone and you would have to kill me to get it. I was not leaving that room until that thing was put together, come hell or high water. At midnight, we turned in. With the doors not yet assembled. AAARRRRGHGHGHGHG! Heh heh, not that I would take a little furniture assembly seriously or anything. The Work can be applied on any stressful situation. Even if the stress is mild. Even if you have NO investment and it’s totally and completely 100% fine with you that things are going EXACTLY the way they are and it’s NO BIG DEAL, and who cares…it’s only a piece of furniture! This should go faster. Is that true? Can I absolutely know that everything would be BETTER if this thing went faster? Am I sure that this is not fun? And that HE should know how to put this together without even looking at the directions? Is it really annoying when someone else does it differently? What are the advantages of doing this little mini project in life? Who would I be without the thought that this task is irritating, time-consuming, or unimportant? Or that I can do it better alone? What daily tasks do you find irritating or less-than-pleasurable? What’s the payoff in finding them unpleasant? The thing is, even small teensy little incidents or tasks can be experienced joyfully or with attack. Like driving in traffic, picking up groceries, going to the library, vacuuming, mowing the lawn, going to the gym. These are the things we do most repeatedly in our lives, after all. What if they were not just ho-hum, and not irritating, but WONDERFUL? The way I know out of the idea that something is unpleasant is to question it. The sooner the better. No. It should not go faster. No, it should not go as I command. No, I do not know how to do this but I can follow directions and so can my companion. Everything is OK. In fact, this is quite magical. There are only pictures on the directions, but we are doing it without words. It’s a game. The hammer moves, the screw driver appears, someone explains what they just figured out, hands all operate together to lift, turn, create. It should go exactly the speed it is going. This wardrobe, this traffic, that appointment, that phone call, this day, that taxi ride, this road-service phone call, that ambulance, this test, that shopping trip….this life. This experience should go exactly as it is going. In fact, it’s beyond me to think about ordering moments, space, knowledge and time around. And wardrobes. That’s the job of Something Else. “Rushing into action, you fail. Trying to grasp things, you lose them. Forcing a project to completion, you ruin what was almost ripe. Therefore the Master takes action by letting things take their course. He remains as calm at the end as at the beginning. He has nothing, thus has nothing to lose.”~Tao Te Ching #64 Love, Grace Learn About All Teleclasses Here
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Give Evil Nothing To Oppose
Resistance is Futile!
One of the most fun and well-used quotes from Star Trek.
And an idea that enters my experience of life over and over: when I resist something that is happening, it hurts, uses a lot of energy, and often turns out to be futile.
But what is meant by resistance, exactly, in this context? Especially when we mean that having it will amount to nothing, offer nothing, that having it won’t matter one way or the other….we’ll still wind up in the same place.
I have a picture in my mind of a tiny ant shaking its fist at a huge elephant coming its way. The ant is digging in its heals, furious, enraged, building a barricade, setting up forces so that it is not stepped on. The enormity of the elephant being itself, walking along with the ant directly in its path, is simply too much.
The tricky part about this thing called “resistance” is that often, we don’t study it, we’re just in it, like swimming inside resistance-soup. Busy building the barricade instead of getting out of the way.
What part is actually futile and where is the sensation to be resistant coming from? Is there anger or fear present? Do I have an internal “no” that wants to be spoken? What’s going on in this moment of wanting to set up a barrier against a situation? What is happening when I feel resistance?
The other day I was reading about physical pain, and then emotional pain.
It occurred to me, for the ten-thousandth time, that fear is a fascinating reaction to life events.
Something happens, then the body quickly has a response with adrenaline shooting through the arms and chest, the stomach flip-flopping, images of what will happen crossing the mind, the heart beating faster.
The body says RUUUUUNNNNN! or FIIIIGHTTTT!
Energy surges through the body. There’s an urge to strike, attack, or escape and hide.
There are famous stories about people foiling their enemies, receiving justice, and being set free.
Picture the scene in the Sound of Music when the whole VonTrapp family is hiking on foot over the mountains, with only the clothing on their back, into a free country, and the refrain “Climb every mountain…”
We all clap for joy! They made it!
In that moment, it appears that resistance was not futile. They ran, they were free.
Back to looking at “resistance” and what we really, really mean.
Because sometimes, in very critical and crucial situations, it is indeed futile….
For me, as I’ve studied this over time, I find that I used to think that NON-resistance was passivity.
Not resisting meant being apathetic, suppressing fear, not showing I cared, not saying no, not speaking up, not taking action.
Resistors were trouble-makers, rogues, defiant people, too outspoken, rebels.
But studying “resistance” more deeply, in my unique situations, I find I have the answer to what is futile even if I take only a tiny half-second to consider and be with it.
You already generally know when its futile and when its not.
When action is appropriate, honorable, has integrity, and is open-minded, you will take action that will move with the greatest ease.
When non-action contains the most integrity and honesty for you, that will be right.
The feeling to look at is feeling AGAINST the whole situation. Screaming “NO!” in your mind. Feeling hate for someone, or extreme disappointment, or deep grief. Believing with intensity that you can’t handle this, or this is such a terrible situation that you must get frantic.
Are you sure it’s 100% terrible?
“The instruction isn’t then to ‘smash ahead and karate-chop that whole thing’; the instruction is to soften, to connect with your heart and engender a basic attitude of generosity and compassion toward yourself…” ~Pema Chodron
Pema Chodron suggests that we can cultivate warriorship AND a gentle heart and clarity.
Climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow, ’til you find your dream.
Set to music, this is joyful. Here comes the elephant…it looks like the best plan is to move. It’s not even a plan…it’s just the way it goes.
Warrior clarity.
Life powerfully expressing itself, non-resistantly, open and courageous. Changing. Free.
“Center your country in the Tao and evil will have no power. Not that it isn’t there, but you’ll be able to step out of its way. Give evil nothing to oppose and it will disappear by itself.” ~Tao Te Ching #60
Love, Grace
Learn About All Teleclasses Here
- A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker. June 2013 – May 2014, Tuesday tele classes * 2 in-person retreats. Click here to read all about it.
- Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Tuesday, March 26 – May 14, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
- Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295.
- Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
- Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
- Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
In Person workshops:
- Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, April 6, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
- Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
- SIGN UP FOR BOTH SATURDAY MINI RETREATS FOR $125 – Click here to register for one or both mini-retreats:
- One-Day Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Saturday, June 15, 2013, Thunder Bay, Ontario, CANADA. $175 includes workshop, snacks, wonderful catered lunch. Please click HERE learn more and to register.
- Loving Your Body As Is Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013.For all the information please click HERE.
If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.
Knock ‘Em Down Off Their Pedestals
Have you ever noticed how people you admire greatly often become more “human” as time goes by and you get to know them better?
This may not mean that you no longer admire them….but your appreciation has got a different flavor to it. The admiration isn’t unrealistic. The admiration isn’t worship.
It isn’t you in comparison to them, with them being “better” than you, even in the most subtle way.
When I’ve admired someone, I’m looking at a human quality that makes my heart sing. I’m seeing what I love in humanity. I see what’s possible, that I may not have been sure of before.
I admire teachers with integrity, and powerful speakers, and great athletes, and life-changing authors.
Throughout human history, there are great stories of people who admired someone, but then discovered a shocking quality, or a behavior, or something that this accomplished person did that is not admirable.
A beloved leader who turns out to be embezzling funds, or a brilliant scientist who turns out to be schizophrenic, or a best friend who was bitter, jealous and conniving, or a spiritual leader who is having relationships with students, or a sibling who was having an affair with his brother’s wife, or a psychologist who has disdain for her clients.
So disappointing, such betrayal, surprise, terrible grief.
But is it true that this person should have remained so perfect in our eyes? Should they have stayed up on a pedestal, with no flaws?
What could possibly be the advantage of eyes getting opened like that?
If it’s ever happened to you…you may know.
For me, I stopped clinging, wondering, feeling anxious, or being over there in that person’s business instead of my own.
It shook me into standing on my own, without an imaginary comparison of what I thought of as someone “better” than me or someone who could “help” me.
I no longer had someone supportive to lean on (that wasn’t myself). I no longer had wishy-washy opinions. I had to accept my own personal authority, not someone else’s.
These qualities are what I actually always admired in other people. And now, since there wasn’t anyone who was 100% perfect….I could see myself as alone, independent, capable, clear, loving, and laser-sharp.
I also knew who not to hang out with anymore.
Who would I be without the thought that its HORRIBLE when someone crashes and burns in my eyes, has faults, does something super alarming, turns out to be untrustworthy or a total farce?
I’d be me watching a storm happen, but not be in the middle of it. I’d be myself….free, with only mystery as my guide. No leader necessary. No teacher, no guru, no method.
I’d be filled with compassion for that other struggling person who has done that unconscionable thing.
I’d be open-minded, full of love….and saying goodbye.
“…take full responsibility for your life and never forfeit it over to someone else.” ~ Adyashanti
What are the advantages you’ve experienced to someone you admired getting blown off the rails, getting revealed, getting taken down a notch or two or three?
Write and tell me, I’d love to hear your examples below in the comments.
Love, Grace
P.S. If you’re pretty upset with someone in your life revealing their true colors…come to Seattle for a Saturday afternoon and we’ll do The Work 4/6 and 5/18. Free yourself!
Learn About All Teleclasses Here
- Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Tuesday, March 26 – May 14, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
- Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295.
- Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
- Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
- Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
In Person workshops:
- Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, April 6, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
- Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
- SIGN UP FOR BOTH SATURDAY MINI RETREATS FOR $125
- One-Day Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Saturday, June 15, 2013, Thunder Bay, Ontario, CANADA. $175 includes workshop, snacks, wonderful catered lunch. Please click HERE learn more and to register.
- Loving Your Body As Is Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013.For all the information please click HERE.
If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.
Thinking–The Mother of All Addiction
Have you ever tried to stop thinking? Ooooh boy, that’s a doozy.
Especially when you’re thinking about something uncomfortable, or even traumatic.
Should I choose that or choose this? I wonder what she meant when she gave me that look? He shouldn’t have slammed the door! I can’t stand seeing the accident over and over in my mind. I can’t believe she betrayed me like that. He must have a personality disorder of some kind. I wonder what will happen tomorrow? It would be god-awful to quit smoking now, at a time like this. I’ll quit later.
The mind is busy running, commenting on EVERYTHING. Dang, it is busy.
Good news. Have you ever also noticed that some part of you NOTICES that you are thinking? That you have a mind that’s running and chattering itself practically to death?
So even though there’s this part that’s going high-speed in the fast lane quite a bit of the time, there’s another part that seems separate from all that. It notices the thinking.
Recently I was listening to Adyashanti, a spiritual teacher I greatly admire, and he said that when we meditate, we often notice this voice kick in and we get lost in it, but when we come up for air, suddenly becoming aware that we’ve been lost in thought, we can choose to feel gratitude.
Gratitude!? For wasting time being lost in my little measly ridiculous streams of thought for the last hour?!!
Yes, he said. We can feel grateful for coming back to reality, to expansiveness, to awareness and sanity!
In the past, I would criticize myself when I popped back up from a long drawn out thinking session.
What’s WRONG WITH YOU, you dork! Why can’t you stop thinking!
Not very kind.
It’s been a true Love/Hate relationship. I hate my thinking, I love my thinking, I hate my thinking, I love my thinking, I can’t stop my thinking, I won’t stop my thinking, I should stop my thinking, I need to stop my thinking, I like my thinking, I’m annoyed by my thinking….and on and on.
And then, silence. Noticing that thinking has been happening.
One of the most wonderful tools for a very busy thinking mind, is to offer it INQUIRY.
It seems like that mind just loves a good question. It gives it something to do! It loves giving answers!
If you have a repetitive thought…pause and ask: Is it true, what I am thinking? Is it really, absolutely 100% true? Can I know this is true?
How do I react when I’m thinking?
I lose sight of some of the world around me. I get lost “in thought.” I’m not very happy. I don’t see or hear very well. Sometimes I get furious, or depressed. I get very discouraged. Sometimes I get a rush of adrenaline, I’m anticipating, I’m excited.
If it’s heavy-duty fearful thinking, I can’t sleep well. I’m paranoid, or grief-stricken. Or I want to sleep too much. Or I want to escape and I may have an escapish-behavior. I used to eat!
Who would I be without thinking? If I really couldn’t think anymore, what would that be like?
That’s a wonderful thing to imagine. Sometimes, there’s something a little disconcerting about it. If I didn’t think, I would be a zombie, or a vegetable, or a nincompoop! I’d be rude! I’d be MORE lost than I am when I do think! I’d make terrible decisions! Oh no!
But what if it wasn’t scary? What if we were more efficient, more amazing, more energetic, more clear….without all the thinking?
“To enjoy the world without judgment is what a realized life is like.”~Joko Beck
Considering what lots of thinking has done for me so far, I’m willing to question the truth of it.
In fact, in questioning my thinking, I notice my life has become more calm, more free, more relaxed, more rich, more beautiful than ever before. Every day is quite wonderful.
My thinking is still alive and well, but oh how thrilling to not believe it…every moment I get freedom from beliefs is so much fun!
Maybe I’ve been addicted to thinking, but now, I’m learning what to do with the thoughts. Bring them to inquiry. Ask if they’re true.
And OH BOY…A One Year Program for The Addictive Mind is READY!!
If you’ve been one of the many people who have asked about this one-year program for a small group to work together in support of questioning all the biggest “thoughts” we’ve ever learned that feel stressful…
Go here to read all about it. I can’t wait to start in June on a fabulous journey.
“Imagine your house of thoughts standing in the middle of an ocean of light from a trillion stars. Imagine your awareness trapped inside the darkness of that house, struggling daily to live off the artificial light of your limited experiences. Now imagine the walls crumbling down…”~ Michael Singer
Love, Grace
Learn About All Teleclasses Here
- Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Tuesday, March 26 – May 14, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
- Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295.
- Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend.Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
- Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
- Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
In Person workshops:
- Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, April 6, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
- Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
- SIGN UP FOR BOTH SATURDAY MINI RETREATS FOR $125
- One-Day Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Saturday, June 15, 2013, Thunder Bay, Ontario, CANADA. $175 includes workshop, snacks, wonderful catered lunch. Please click HERE learn more and to register.
- Loving Your Body As Is Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.
If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.
Being My Own Perfect Partner
One of the greatest all-time teachings for me, that booted me into maturity (but not before diving into being a total baby) was my divorce.
Ahhhh, the list of “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” about relationships was magnificently long. I had a whole book, documented with evidence and case notes from other people’s situations and my own, about what long-term relationships are supposed to look like.
Since this one didn’t look like MY ideal, I thought it was a tragedy.
I also thought that SINCE I didn’t have a “good” relationship, and what I had was ending, I would be going down in terms of money, livelihood, having a home, supporting myself, and having connection, a best friend, and fun.
I believed that none of those things could now happen….now that my marriage appeared over. I was stunned.
I had no idea my sense of myself was so small. That I did not feel I could manage, or support myself, or succeed, or thrive, or take care of my children and my home.
Good thing that marriage ended, because I had to learn the fast and hard way (or maybe it was the quick and easy way, now that I think about it) how to truly love my own company and believe in myself, as someone who didn’t need outside support.
It was in the end, the gift of a lifetime.
If anyone could have given me the most precious, amazing, life-changing event that would require me to become fierce, strong and powerful….it would have been my marriage ending just the way it did.
Relationships are said to be, for many, the heart of where we learn about ourselves and grow up and awaken.
We can clearly see where we grovel for love, approval and appreciation. We can see where we are dependent, or untrustworthy, or fake, or ingratiating. We can see clearly how critical we are, or impatient.
If we use these experiences with someone else to open and learn….there’s no stopping us from growing in deep wisdom. The most important thing is to stay, be present with the strong feelings, and remain connected to ourselves, as imperfect as we are.
Back then, during my divorce, I realized for the first time how strongly I held the belief “I am worthy of being left, I am worthy of being abandoned”.
That’s why it was happening, obviously! Otherwise, it wouldn’t be happening.
But that is the twisty-turvy logic of the little mind that is very critical and doesn’t want to sit with FEAR.
Truly, the turnaround was truer for me. I was worthy of never being left and never being abandoned, because I myself am here, with me, through all of it.
There is something actually beyond this little bitty separate self, that has always been here, watching and observing. Always rooted in love and power. Like a mysterious current, an electromagnetic kind of force field. Presence, aliveness.
This powerful energy seems to know so deeply that all is very, very well, and that some little relationship change is nothing in the great scheme of things.
What-ever, it says. There is simply no problem.
In a couple of weeks on March 29, we’ll start the teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven on Fridays 8-9:30 am Pacific time. This certainly does not have to be a romantic or committed partnership…this can be dedicated time for The Work on your mother, father, sibling, co-worker, boss, neighbor, friend.
This work is about looking at the judgments and pain and suffering we feel most acutely, that seems to be coming from OVER THERE, from that other person’s actions, and understanding the meaning we create about ourselves. The meaning that hurts.
“Failure is an opportunity. If you blame someone else, there is no end to the blame. Therefore the Master fulfills her own obligations and corrects her own mistakes. She does what she needs to do and demands nothing of others.”~Tao Te Ching #79
I question my thinking about myself when someone does or says something surprising in my life. When I am scared, or sad, or angry, or disappointed and I think THEY need to change so that I can be happy, I KNOW there is no end to waiting, and to blame.
Now I am so grateful for the experience of something ending or changing with someone I know, its mind-blowing. That’s what it took for me to find out how powerful, strong and steady I am, how I am the perfect partner for myself.
Now, every relationship in my life is icing on the cake. Until it isn’t, and then I do The Work!
Love, Grace
P.S. The next Horrible Food Wonderful Food begins June 11th.
I Have To Diet To Be Thin
I was thinking the other day about Obedience.
This was after reading an article on disordered eating and the quest some individuals have for thinness. The author of the article discovered some sense within herself of being obedient when she tried to be “thin”.
Of course it seems like there are many reasons for the desire to be thin: the collective culture in which we live appears to love it, our mom or dad talked of it as an important goal, it might be healthier, we could look attractive to potential sexual partners, we might appear “powerful” on stage or in front of a crowd, blah blah blah.
These are all quite amazing to question, to see if you really think any of them are absolutely true.
Even if you find they are not true, you may still find the desire smouldering in you to be thinner than you are, to hold on the thinness you’ve achieved, or to be proud of how thin you’ve become.
Good grief! Can you imagine not caring about how thin or fat you actually are?
RING THE ALARM BELLS! This would lead to disaster!!
Sometimes even after we’ve questioned our reasons for being thin, or anything else that seems to be desirable for that matter (money, love, sex, success, enlightenment) it is difficult to find who we would really be without the thought.
We think that without vigilance or commitment, even if its stressful, we will fail. We will be big fatsos, or neglectful parents, or lazy unemployed low-achievers, or single forever.
If I didn’t care about being thin, making money, or having a partner, I would break the rules, move out of the boundaries I’ve always believed in, I would blow up like a blimp, be a loser, and no one would like me.
But can you really know that this is true?
Do you KNOW that you need to believe something stressful, that you don’t REALLY believe in, in order to stay motivated and be happy? Does that even make sense?
Long ago, I canned the diets forever. I knew that feeling like I was in prison was not the way to happiness.
Do you want to obey the commands of others around you, or society, or the rumors you’ve heard that thin is better than fat? Rich is better than poor? Coupled is better than single?
(And of course, they are not commands….it’s all in the perceptions of the one who is looking).
Long ago, I read Fat Is A Feminist Issue by Susie Orbach. I don’t remember exactly what she said, but the title alone was enough. I passed the book on many years ago, but I know that I recognized a possibility that the messages I heard around me were actually very painful, and untrue.
Sometimes a true “diet” is saying “no” to the general accepted norm.
A wonderful client, who does not have eating issues of any kind, reminded me of Susie’s book awhile back, and how it nipped the worry about her food in the bud at an early age.
She didn’t want to feel like she was obeying anything when it came to eating, except her own body’s wisdom, her own mind’s wisdom.
Who would you be without the thought that weighing this number is better than weighing that number? Who would you be without the thought that you should eat vegetables and avoid sugar? Who would you be without the thought that people will not think you’re cool or powerful unless you’re thin?
If you really think you’d eat candy all day long and become a recluse…there is wonderful work to do.
You might question that you are your own worst enemy.
Pema Chodron speaks of renunciation, a term used by many teachers in many religions. Kind and loving renunciation is not passive. It is not a voice that says “great, I am against diets so I will eat and eat all day long, who cares”.
It is a clear, focused way. An awareness of the self. It gathers information from others, from doctors, nutritionists, books, and then waits to see how it lines up internally.
“Even though you’ve dropped your agenda, even though you are trying to work WITH situations instead of struggling AGAINST them, nevertheless you may have to say, ‘You can stay here tonight, but tomorrow you’re going, and if you don’t get out of here, I am calling the police.’ You don’t really know what’s going to benefit somebody, but it doesn’t benefit anybody to allow someone to beat you up, eat all your food, and put you out on the street.”~Pema Chodron
You know already in your heart what is of benefit for you, and what is not, what brings freedom and what brings imprisonment. You may sometimes benefit in questioning those bickering internal voices, and telling them to go by not believing them.
Today I seem to make a green smoothie every single morning for breakfast, with an entire head of raw broccoli and kale leaves of all kinds, or spinach, and ground flax seeds and banana and other ingredients. This has been going on for a long while now, like 5 or 6 months.
I have no agenda. I don’t know why not to do it at this point.
“I’ve heard people say that they cling to their painful thoughts because they’re afraid that without them they wouldn’t be activists for peace. “If I feel peaceful,” they say, “why would I bother taking action at all?” My answer is “Because that’s what love does.” To think that we need sadness or outrage to motivate us to do what’s right is insane. As if the clearer and happier you get, the less kind you become. As if when someone finds freedom, she just sits around all day wiith drool running down her chin. My experience is the opposite. Love is action.” ~ Byron Katie
I say, find out who you are without the thought that you “have to” be an activist or take action or go on a diet or get a job. You could be amazed at the love, energy, and behavior that comes out of you.
And you might wind up thin.
Love, Grace
P.S. The next Horrible Food Wonderful Food begins June 11th.
Is It Bigger Than A Bread Box? Best Trick Question Ever
It’s amazing how painful, penetrating and persistent thoughts can be about the Self.
This Self is unworthy, not good enough, not perfect, the One that made a mistake.
When I have visited this Land Of No-Good then the thoughts start having babies like rabbits, multiplying in a thousand directions with pictures and comparisons about other people who have done it better than ME.
Plus, OF COURSE, the Voice has to get turned on that is also critical of the self being self-critical.
Jeez, what’s wrong with you being so insecure? You already KNOW you’re doing the best you can. How much therapy or how many workshops do you need, can’t you give it a rest?
The thing is, all of it goes into the basket of what Scott Kiloby calls The Deficient Self.
It’s such a deep conditioning, or so it seems, to think in terms of the negative consequences of the future. It’s like there is a belief that I need to push myself, correct myself, or improve….or else.
Or else later I will be sorry. I will be in pain. Tomorrow I will fail worse than today, if I don’t pull it together. Next week I will be depressed, fatter, lonely, worried, banished.
Next year I will be living on the street, no friends, no one speaking to me, no health, no money, no happiness.
If I don’t work on going UP, I will go DOWN. Heck, even staying in this same place would be bad. Yep, only IMPROVEMENT and GOING UP is acceptable.
People out there say we are enough, we have enough, we have all we need for anything we want to do already. We’ve got it.
But that makes no sense to the person who absolutely believes that it is true that this Self is Deficient.
I used to like to hang around people who said supportive, kind things. I liked my therapist in my early 20s who was so nurturing and loving. I liked it when someone said “you look mahrvelous!” I liked it when someone said “you are so brave, generous, interesting, funny.”
If someone said I was a bitch, or a chicken-shit (definitely bad if they started squalking like a hen) or selfish, it was like when the Hulk was called Angry.
How dare you say that about MOI…..or if I didn’t have an angry response I would be terrified at being seen. It was like I had the belief that I must be perceived well ALL THE TIME.
Dangerous things happen to people when they are not perceived well!
What’s the worst that could happen if someone is not liked? They could be put to death. Banished from the kingdom forever. Hurt.
Such a fear of the Deficiency of the Self.
What if it wasn’t true? What if the whole entire story is mistaken? What if there actually is NOT a self that isn’t good enough or big enough or strong enough or committed enough or powerful enough or determined enough or honest enough or rich enough?
What if there is no self that needs to be defended, or bolstered up?
What if no one is any better than anyone else? It sounds easy to say this is true, but watch you mind compare yourself to others…it gets very convinced that the person over there has “got it”. They are “further along” than me.
That person over there is awakened, enlightened, peaceful….doing something right.
All by itself this may be a very joyful thought. I love seeing other joyful people and all their different flavors and ways and personalities!
But if I compare and find myself lacking, even in the tiniest way….ouch.
When I spend time with one of my Self-Improvement thoughts, that is my way out of the gerbil-cage belief system of repeating this idea over and over.
- I need to relax more
- I should pay attention to the little things in life
- I don’t want to analyze the universe so much
- I want to wake up
- I need to stay on track
- I am selfish, too fearful
- I care too much about other people
And by the way, while we’re at it, I don’t always exactly have a Supremely Happy world view. What’s wrong with me?!
I love how Adyashanti, Steven Bodian, and many of my favorite teachers ask “who are you?” Who or What is this Self you think doesn’t measure up?
Adya once asked me “is it bigger than a bread box?” I went on a hike after that conversation and got more and more frustrated.
Dang it, there was nothing there. As soon as I looked…what did he mean “bigger than a bread box?” This has nothing to do with shape or size, and I can’t even find a location.
Is this a trick question?
“There is nothing to attain except the realization that there is nothing to attain.” ~ Tony Parsons
“Do not worry about your life….Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin…” ~ Jesus
There’s nothing solid here, this Self, whether deficient or not. WOW. What a relief. Nothing actually there to improve. And how bizarre, too!
That was a good trick question.
Love, Grace
Death, The Greatest Show On Earth
Many of us have spent time thinking about physical pain, illness, trauma, danger, aging or dying. We ALL know someone sick, hurt, injured. We all know people who have died.
Really, Death and Dying seem to be, sometimes The Greatest Show On Earth!
That’s my own little joke with myself….the greatest mystery of all, though, it seems.
What on earth is going on here in this place? We’re born, and then we will die, no matter what, at least in the body.
Loads of speculation about what happens next, no ability to prove anything. Great effort to find out and explore what happens. Inquiring minds want to KNOW!
Recently, I re-read a wonderful passage of Byron Katie doing The Work with a woman who had cancer. The woman said “my body is in ruins”.
Even if my body is not currently in “ruins”…as I read the script of Katie’s session with the woman, I knew that indeed my own body isn’t getting out of here alive. In some ways, it is already in ruins, too.
Just take a look at this body in 50 years! I’ll bet you a million bucks you’ll see TOTAL RUINS. Maybe even in 10 years, who knows, or next week.
It’s strange how much fear is stimulated with this kind of awareness. Many people have never even questioned the thought that dying is bad, that it’s horrible to have a body that will only end up in ruins.
Is it true that it’s bad news? Really?
I discover that it’s as if there is one part of my mind that is a frightened baby, very terrified, uncertain. It was assurance, doesn’t like the unknown.
But there is another part, that we all have, that is very certain, wise, observing, neutral, peaceful…even deeply joyful.
When I stop and answer the four questions of The Work, my little freaked out mind gets to settle down and answer, and the wise one gets uncovered and comes out to help.
Getting sick, or dying, is bad news. Aiyiyi, look how I react when I think that thought!
Panic, terror, nausea, adrenaline, mind starts finding solutions, the Plan of Attack. (This doesn’t mean NOT to do research. Research can be fun and invigorating when it is without terror).
Who would I be without the thought that getting sick or dying is bad? Even for the people I love?
Well, to be honest, there are many moments in the day when I am not thinking this thought, so it already happens. I am alive, going about my business here and there, sleeping, moving, eating, drinking, bathing, talking, listening, reading…all without the thought that dying or sickness is bad.
What about the second I learn I have cancer, or remember that I will be dying at some point in the next fifty years, give or take?
Who would I be without the thought that dying is bad, right in THAT MOMENT?
I’d be excited. Curious. Willing. Surrendered, relaxed, open. Ready for the adventure. Noticing what TODAY is like. Seeing the clouds that look like cotton balls outside the window right now.
“When it’s no longer at war here [Katie points to her head], it’s no longer at war there-with the body, with cancer, with anybody. When we know we’re going to die, when we really get that, in that moment we realize that we’re not in control. And then we get to watch. We get to watch this beautiful way of it. And love it. And not miss our own death.”~Byron Katie
I don’t know what will happen for the rest of my life and when that day will come that is my last one here, in this lifetime.
But I sure can practice getting ready for it, by questioning my thinking, my fear, my need to be in control, my worries, my angst, my terrors about both life now and impending death.
I don’t really have a choice. I figure it’s suffer, or inquire. That seems to be the case.
“When the fear of death comes up, say yes.”~Adyashanti
A small teleclass is beginning in three hours to address physical pain, sickness and death together…our fears, our imaginings, our worries. We’ll meet for 6 weeks. It is not necessary, of course, to have any current illness or pain…and, you may also have a terminal illness, chronic pain, or someone’s death in your life. Whatever your situation, you are welcome to the group. Click HERE to register or read more about it.
Love, Grace
That Look She Gave Me Hurt
Do you remember when your mother, or some other important adult in your life, would give you a “look” that might make your heart sink to the floor?
She doesn’t like me! I did something wrong! I’m cast out of favor!
In my adult life, one interesting place I’ve noticed stressful beliefs multiplying and producing conflict is when someone close to me thinks that I am the one with the “look”, and then they react or look worried, and then I think THEY have a “look”, and then I have a “look” that says “I Didn’t Have A Look–What’s Wrong With You!”
Did you follow that?
It all happens in the split second of an eye blinking.
My daughter who is 15 cares very much what I think, hears what I say, and takes in a great deal of what I do, even when I think she doesn’t notice (and maybe she doesn’t).
This morning I exclaimed “Oh look at the time! You might be late!” and it appears she thought I was critical of her. Then I WAS critical of her because she “over-reacted”. Hilarious! Fortunately we were laughing about it later.
It’s amazing how often we assume, based on small conversation, or a look, or a gesture, or the absence of conversation, or silence, what is going on with someone….and that it’s BAD.
If we don’t like it when other people object to something we’re doing…we have to be very careful NOT to do anything that might cause objection.
I used to walk around with a lot of fear about other peoples’ criticism. It still is something that enters my psyche. Especially with people I admire.
Those people who are “famous” in my mind I might feel shy around. I might be watching, hold back, have an attitude of wanting to take in all they are saying and doing, and not fully engage.
Then, on top of wanting them to approve of me, I also think I shouldn’t be caring about that, so there’s a voice that is instantly criticizing the one who wants approval.
GAWD, stop being so sensitive! Stop caring what others think of you!
“I want them to like me, but I really shouldn’t want that.”
And of course, I sometimes assume that other people want ME to like THEM (and want to hide the fact that they want me to). So I might make sure I’m nice, or draw them out, so theyknow I like them, if I do.
It’s a lot of work and gets very complicated.
But let’s get to the core underlying belief…no matter how much I’ve told myself I shouldn’t care, sometimes I do. So let’s take a look.
Do I really want people to like me? That seems like such an old story, an ancient assumption.
Of course I want that! It would be terrible to be disliked, ignored, shunned, or kicked out! I love having a special, loving, fun, easy connection with someone! I love joking around! I can’t do that unless they like me! Why would I give that up, are you nuts?!
When I have questioned my thinking and done The Work, I realize that I want people to like what they like, and NOT like what they don’t like.
That’s what I want for myself. It’s total freedom. At this moment I like, then the next moment I don’t like. No “have-to” about liking anything.
I notice that “likes” come and go. They change quickly. Preferences shift. Today I like salami, another day it grosses me out.
This person I joke around with, that other person we have serious conversations.
When I relax completely and allow the world to be what it is, with all the personalities within it, life is very easy.
Without the thought that I want anyone to like me, I do not have to be afraid that I’ll be unpleasant, brusk, unlikable and rejected.
In fact, I’m very authentic. I’m deeply happy. I’m like a truly free person, coming and going as I please and allowing other people to come and go as they please.
Someone thinks I don’t like them, and it’s not a big deal. No need to rush in and “fix” or “correct” their perception, unless that’s the kind thing to do and the way it goes.
“How do you react when you think you need people’s love? Do you become a slave for their approval? Do you live an inauthentic life because you can’t bear the thought that they might disapprove of you? Do you try to figure out how they would like you to be, and then try to become that, like a chameleon? In fact, you never really get their love. You turn into someone you aren’t, and then when they say “I love you,” you can’t believe it, because they’re loving a facade. They’re loving someone who doesn’t even exist, the person you’re pretending to be. It’s difficult to seek other people’s love. It’s deadly. In seeking it, you lose what is genuine. This is the prison we create for ourselves as we seek what we already have.” ~ Byron Katie
Even if you do the opposite and instead of being a chameleon, you act defiant all the time, making sure you DON’T CARE if people like you (ha)…you still can’t believe people like the real, honest you, since you haven’t shown them.
My favorite way of breaking down this ancient story of caring what other people think is to find genuine examples of what the advantages are when people haven’t liked me.
- I don’t have to talk with them, I have more free time
- I get more alone time to talk with myself (my favorite)!
- They get what they need or want from someone else
- I don’t have to “work” at changing their impression of me
- They show me where I still care or feel “hurt” and I can question my thinking
- I get to live in a world where not everyone likes, needs, or wants me…phew
“It’s not your job to like me, it’s mine.”~Byron Katie
Love, Grace
P.S. Look at all the teleclasses and in-person retreats below! Join me in questioning the amazing mind, I love your presence.
Learn About All Teleclasses Here
Click here to register for the Pain, Sickness and Death Class!
- Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Tuesday, March 26 – May 14, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
- Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295.
- Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
- Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
- Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
In Person workshops:
- Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, April 6, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
- Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
- SIGN UP FOR BOTH SATURDAY MINI RETREATS FOR $125
- One-Day Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Saturday, June 15, 2013, Thunder Bay, Ontario, CANADA. $175 includes workshop, snacks, wonderful catered lunch. Please click HERE learn more and to register.
- Loving Your Body As Is Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013.For all the information please click HERE.
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Upcoming Teleclasses and Retreats
It’s Announcement Day everybody!
Six week teleclass Pain, Sickness and Death begins Thursday evenings 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time, starts this week 3/7. Room for 2 more. Come join a group for inquiry on some of the most difficult situations.
The next Earning Money class begins March 26! I know several people have asked. We’ll have this one in the evenings on Tuesdays 5:15 – 6:45 pm. This is rarely offered in the evening Pacific time, so jump on board if you’re ready to look at Money, Work and Business. If you’re in Australia, it will be noon for you on Wednesdays!
Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starts Fridays, March 29 8:00 – 9:30 am Pacific for 8 weeks. A profound look at one person who is difficult in your life: partner, sibling, child, parent…anyone.
Sorry for the delay on all the wonderful details for A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind. It’s almost ready! It will be worth the wait—I’m sure we will have a powerful, amazing group to work together all year. So exciting! All the information will be ready by this weekend.
Two Half-Day Mini-Retreat Saturdays: April 6th and May 18th, 2013, 1:30 pm – 5:30 pm. Inquiry at Goldilocks Cottage in Seattle. $125 for both days, $70 for only one. Tea and light snacks provided. Come learn, practice, expand your inquiry. Meet others to join in facilitation. A wonderful way to spend a Saturday afternoon…enlightening yourself.
To register for both or one of these mini-half-days, click HERE and then click on the PayPal button.
And of course, last but not least…Breitenbush Hot Springs Summer Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Love Your Body. What if your body wasn’t a problem?
June 26-30, 2013. Please read all about the Breitenbush Retreat and get the registration details by clicking HERE.
As always, if finances hold you back, write to me at grace@workwithgrace.com to talk about a trade or option that can work for you.
“Don’t believe every thing you think.”~ Byron Katie
Love, Grace