Author: Grace

Oh chuckle.

A thought popped in around money (again); it’s lack, scarcity, limits, and how I was wrong and should have planned or been more aware….

Dang, that whole thought system is very persistent, isn’t it?

I decided to sit down and inquire, in writing, even though part of my mind said “you’ve done this before already”.

The circumstance?

This new rental house, formerly owned by my first husband and father of my children who died last June, is now up for rent. My kids are keeping it, and my son has moved into the basement apartment with separate entrance and his own cool parking spot.

Excitedly, we posted the photos of the brand new paint, gorgeous blue deck, cleaned fireplaces, pretty bathroom, brand new soothing gray carpet, even some new beautiful light fixtures. The place is shining.

Signs up, learning about landlord life, and I have put a lot of time and support into helping my son and daughter take this on–my son especially really loved the idea of moving into his own basement apartment and out of his college town.

We analyzed the prices of other homes, picked something appealing in the middle to low-ish by comparison, and….

….crickets.

Well, a handful of lovely people have inquired. Two people even applied to move in.

And then they found out the basement apartment is occupied.

I felt a little dumb. Lightbulb went on.

DING!

This is a shared home situation. Everyone lives in the same 4 big walls, even if they never see one another. There’s shared laundry between two units. The big, beautiful upstairs has this one not-as-attractive point.

OH NO! 

My mind burst forth with images of recognizing this less-than-perfect issue of sharing a house, that the rent needs to be LOWER in price than you might normally think.

Internal thoughts: I did it wrong. I should have thought that through better. Now we’ve “wasted” two weeks and need to re-list. I have to change all the postings I’ve done–(can I remember all the places I posted)? It’s not as manageable for my son as expected. It’s going to be too much for him. Did we make a mistake? It’s not a good deal.

Jeez.

I sat with the inquiry, noticing when something unexpected happens with money where more is required than imagined….there’s fear.

What’s a deeper inquiry? I asked myself.

I’m believing this is dangerous, that there’s a threat. I’m believing in mistakes. I’m believing in suffering around support. I’m believing in “not enough”, or that soon there won’t be. I’m believing in lack of freedom.

Is any of that true? Seriously?

Is it better to have and keep money, get only what I expect, not ever have any surprises, or assume that if it doesn’t go as I thought it means a mistake has been made or it’s not a good deal?

REALLY? Do I want to keep believing this autopilot go-to thought when it comes to money that I can tell isn’t even true?

How do I react when I believe in danger of not having enough, later in the future (or my son or family not having enough)? How do I react when I believe it’s not a good deal anymore.

Afraid. Self-critical.

There’s the criticism zapping in again. “I” must be doing something wrong. “I” have to fix this ASAP.

When I believe the thought, it really, really matters what money is doing. It matters in that moment more than anything (I think).

It’s important enough to drop everything else (including my own peace) and focus on what to do to handle the situation well (change all the listings, lower the rent we’re asking, make a decision, worry).

So who would I be WITHOUT THIS BELIEF?

It’s immediate. But I’m also deeply committed to spending more time here in question four.

Who or what would I be? What would I notice? What is happening?

Here I am being, without my ideas about money coming and going and how it should behave, or that more is better than less. How does this feel? What is it like to sit here, without this ridiculous and stressful and worrisome belief?

If money were a romantic partner, I’d be instantly out of love with it with this recent discovery about the rent. I was criticizing it, ruminating, angry, pissy, panicking, considering myself abandoned (again), upset with me, upset with it.

Is that unconditional love?

Uh, No.

Did I ever love or appreciate the flow of money in the first place? Am I so self-concerned and all-about-me I’m willing to throw peace out the window in pursuit of “fixing” or “making” money do what I want it to do or provide what I expect it to provide?

Wow.

Talk about Control Central. Ego. Tight Fisted-ness. Insecurity.

Without the belief that money needs to be any different than it is being in this specific situation….I notice how secure I am.

I’m breathing, I’m here, I’m slightly amused, there’s no disaster.

Without the belief that money needs to be a certain way, it really doesn’t matter. I’m open. I relax.

Turning the thought around:

There is no problem here with money. There is no good deal or bad deal that ultimately matters to my life in any way. No disaster has occurred. No threat has entered my world. I’m breathing, sitting, noticing silence, watching images and pictures. There is no need for any money on any level in this precise moment now.

Turning it around on the local level, the little personal story level, the whole experience is full of learning, giving a home a big dose of TLC, offering a beautiful place to other people (what a tremendous service), aligning the price, doing this fun project with my young adult kids. This is a dance with the unfolding of an offering. I feel involved, making a difference, joyful with my kids, like a big grown up.

On the wide open impersonal level, there is just no problem here whatsoever.

Except for a thought….NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. There was insight, more data coming in.

What if this was the absolutely perfect time and way it should all unfold? Not a moment sooner or later for each piece in this process of a project coming to life?

It gives me this amazing moment to do The Work again on a persistent fear of lack, not-enoughness, and sit quietly in question four.

Who would I be without the possibility of Not Enough?

Totally trying new things, amazed at creativity and possibility that’s happened with this house renting thing. Watching things come one day at a time, not too fast or too much. No planning or hand-wringing about the future needed, or regrets in the past.

Turning the thought around again: My thinking is a problem, in this situation (not money). My own thinking is threatening me (about the future especially), my thinking was a good deal, then became not a good deal. I haven’t been loving with my thinking, especially when it comes to money doing its dance.

…Begin to notice the laws of generosity, the laws of letting money go out fearlessly and come back fearlessly. You don’t ever need more money than you have. When you understand this, you begin to realize that you already have all the security you wanted money to give you in the first place. It’s a lot easier to make money from this position. ~ Byron Katie

 

Noticing this moment and how wonderful it is, how full and incredible….and what a gift.

Nothing more required.

If you’d like to sit in inquiry on beliefs that are especially persistent stress-inducers….then retreat is an amazing place to do The Work.

I find every retreat, the time spent allows the clarity to rise up.

We’re honoring our thinking, staying present, using the mind to wonder who we’d be without our thought, finding turnarounds, imagining living them. No distractions or avoiding.

Spring Retreat has room and it’s only a month away! Book a room if you like (two king size bedrooms left) and stay onsite. Everything supported so you can do your work. 

• Spring Retreat in The Work May 15-19, 2019. Meditate, Inquire, Dance, Walk, Silence, Sharing. Register here.
• Eating Peace Process Online Brand New Version. Same principles, delivered better. Lifetime access. May 1-August 15, 2019
• April 14th half-day retreat at my cottage
• June 27th East West Books evening 7-9 pm.
• June 12-16, 2019 Breitenbush Retreat with Tom Compton
• Summer Camp for The Mind Online Inquiry
• Divorce Is Hell 8 week course Aug 18-October 13, 2019 Sundays 11 am PT/ 7 pm UK with Nadine Ferris France
• Year of Inquiry begins Sept 8, 2019–a whole year of monthly topics in The Work, and sharing inquiry together

This Sunday afternoon 2-6 pm….Mini Retreat in The Work. This is the last short gathering like this at my own home this year, and maybe forever.

I have gotten so very, very full on week days, and teaching longer retreats five times a year, it seems the natural way of it to reduce the little Sunday gatherings. (I’ll be at East West Books on Thursday, June 27th for a shorter thing 7-9 pm).

One of the things I’ve adored about a 4 hour gathering, is that when you’re familiar with The Work, there’s nothing like a time set aside to sit in inquiry and sort something out in your life that feels like a problem. It’s so precious to have the whole afternoon.

What’s amazing to so many of us, and still is to me honestly, is that this is ultimately all we need to begin to work out a pattern, an issue, a difficulty, some kind of trouble about life.

The mind says “Really? That’s it? Answer four questions? Seriously?”

Aren’t you just sitting with you-yourself-and-I? Don’t we need some kind of teacher, wisdom, friend or message from the heavens to help us figure out the answers to our problems?

Funny the mind will think it’s not enough.

It can’t be here, the answers I’m looking for. Oh no. It can’t be inside the very problem I’m looking to get rid of, right?

Can’t we just….do something fun like watch a movie or eat, drink, smoke, ignore What Is? If I have to sit down, with other people around especially, and look at my judgmental thoughts, it will be excruciating.

Sigh.

What’s funny is it seems the mind will do anything but open to sit with itself, and the thoughts it’s agonizing over, and answer four questions.

At least that’s the way it seems my mind has been, heh heh.

Just for today, though, let’s look at a global thought that’s very stressful and even frightening.

I can’t figure this out.

You know the thing you can’t figure out? That one.

Hold it in your mind. See the images of you not figuring it out. Maybe there’s another person who always drives you nuts. Or a habit you have of hurting yourself (like I did with eating and body image) or you don’t have enough time, money, success, patience.

You can’t figure it out.

Is it true?

Yes.

Are you absolutely 100% sure for all time that you can’t…right now in this moment?

No. Well, maybe. I don’t know. OK, no. I can’t absolutely know.

How do you react when you believe you can’t?

Hopeless. Screwed. Angry. Sad. Mad at myself, and the situation and confused about all the parts involved and what’s going on. I’m trying so hard! And not only can I not figure it out….there’s a list of other things I can’t figure out either.

Arrrrggggggghhhhh.

Pause. Breathe.

So, who would you be without your story of this “problem” that you can’t figure out, and the YOU that can’t do it?

In this moment, wherever you are as you read these words, feel your feet and notice the space around you. I hear the voice of Byron Katie saying “are you OK?” as she does with inquirers sometimes.

You’re alive. A non-verbal current of life.

I love this feeling of sinking into the body. Nothing to do, no problems to solve, nowhere to go, stillness. Something can possibly change right now, in this quiet stillness.

This sensation is often a first place to go with question four (who would you be without your thought you can’t figure it out) but then really considering reality:

What if you aren’t in charge, and you aren’t supposed to figure it out the way you assume you should? And what if figuring it out looks like relaxing and NOT exactly figuring it out the way you thought you were going to? What if you simply respond to what happens, and dance with it, and notice you’re aware? What if that is actually “figuring” it out?

Even if you’re dying of a disease supposedly. I know that’s dramatic. But even then. What if there was no future, no past, and only this moment here now? Could that have a quality of figuring something out to it?

Why not?

What if I am not supposed to figure out HOW, in this whole entire moment, to make enough money, clean the house, stop obsessing or thinking with drama, lose weight, talk to that friend, deal with my mother, run a marathon, fix the roof, fill the seats, help my child, sell my artwork, hire the handyman, save for retirement, get enlightened, apply for a job, get a raise, find a partner.

I mean, that’s such a relief, right? How could any of that, or even the one thing you’re wanting to resolve a particular way….get resolved in that exact particular way, with “figuring” going on?

Or, let the mind figure. It loves to figure.

Are you still OK, even if it’s busy figuring over there (up there)?

Turning the thought around: I CAN figure it out. “I” can figure it out. “I” doesn’t need to figure it out, actually. When “I” is a wide open life force, a space, a current of energy…..not the “I” who is “the one who needs to figure something out”. No figuring necessary.

Turning it around again: Figuring it out can “I”. I know that’s a bit weird. But it’s a reverse of the energy. Instead of “me” with my brain trying to hard to get somewhere, through figuring….what if it’s just as true or truer that this figuring thing can get absorbed into the mysterious “I”?

I can figure it out. Nothing more required. Nothing missing.

I love the movement of figuring can include the wisdom of simply being, the “I”, the unidentifiable sense of life force, the being here. Just here.

“This moment is not life waiting to happen, goals waiting to be achieved, words waiting to be spoken, connections waiting to be made, regrets waiting to evaporate, aliveness waiting to be felt, enlightenment waiting to be gained. No. Nothing is waiting. This is it. This moment is life.” ~ Jeff Foster

As the beginning of April arrives….my thoughts turn to spring.

We kick off inquiry each month, always, with a First Friday 90 minute telesession for anyone and everyone to do The Work. It’s completely free: Friday, April 5th 7:45-9:15 am Pacific Time. To join, click on this link here. About 15 mins before the time we begin, you’ll see 3 options for joining: phone, webcall (with your computer) or Broadcast (listen-only). If you want to speak by doing The Work OR giving feedback/asking a question, use phone or webcall.

If you’re drawn to a deeper mental “spring cleaning”, by taking a close look at the thoughts that bring us stress, angst, anger, worry or discouragement….then you may love coming to an in-person retreat if you’re anywhere near driving distance to the Pacific Northwest.

*Last one this year at Goldilocks Cottage: 4-hour afternoon mini retreat April 14th (up to 10 people only) at my home 2-6 pm $50. (June 27th is next one at East West Books 7-9 pm).
*Spring retreat  May 15-19, 2019 (commuting OK). Self-inquiry, connection, sharing and most important of all–you getting to question your thoughts with The Work step by step.
*Breitenbush Retreat with my guest facilitator this year Tom Compton June 12-16 Weds eve through Sunday lunch. Read more here and to register CALL Breitenbush 503-854-3320.

There’s nothing like being in the presence of other people who are also committed to exposing their inner thinking, sharing it, being witnessed, and questioning it. Life. Changing.

But it’s really scary sometimes to do this kind of work in a group setting. Especially if it’s not the norm for you.

And sometimes, even if it is.

I speak for myself.

The last Grace Note was about a 3-day retreat in self-inquiry, only with a powerful dimension of attending to the emotional world and expressing feelings honestly without shame, with the thought, without the thought.

I used to do this all the time in my first therapeutic group. I was in that group for three years, every single week. We did not have “The Work of Byron Katie” as a methodology (it didn’t exist yet in the Katie format).

But in our therapy group we did have a history of psychologists, philosophers and change-agents who had studied and worked with the same unnecessary suffering we’re wanting relief from: the memories, stuckness and grief we hold in our bodies and in our mental files, the things we carry forward within.

Just like in The Work, in our life-changing group we were working with the after-effects, the anxiety, the unresolved trauma, the irritation and anger, the never-ending sadness, the lack of good communication skills with other humans.

Yes, suffering seems to happen. There’s life and death, illness, aging, loss. The way it gets endlessly triggered, or the way it affects our whole view of life….that’s what we’re dissolving.

We can’t change the past, but we can learn to live with our memories and experiences with gratitude.

(Did I just say gratitude? Seriously? But yah.)

I’m considering deeply the topic of shame lately. It appears to be  showing up everywhere: with clients I work with, with some of my own memories that have come along, with people working on eating peace and other compulsions and addictions they want to quit, with people close to me.  

Shame is sneaky because it will keep a cycle going of hiding, self-hatred, guilt and non-resolution.

Because we’re believing thoughts like “I don’t deserve to live” or “I’m a stupid person” or “I am bad” or “I’m disgusting” or “I don’t deserve love”. 

So let’s do The Work today on this very powerful belief, that is also a lie. How do you know? You feel horrible when you believe it.

“I’m unlovable.”

Think about the reason you’re unlovable. You might have a list. Sometimes people have very long lists. Your proof that you don’t deserve love and there’s no hope for you.

Is it true, you’re unlovable?

According to yourself (which isn’t the most objective judge, right?) you might say “yes”. 

Your anger, frustration and sadness might be speaking. 

Can you absolutely know that it’s true, though? 

No.

How do you react when you believe you’re unlovable? 

It can be a terrible feeling. You want to stay inside, withdraw, not get together with anyone you know, move away, or of course, do something escapist and addictive. 

Often, we want to hide. We feel sorry for ourselves but also resigned. 

So who would you be without your thought that you’re unlovable? 

Yes, even in that situation, with that person, or doing that activity (like for example your favorite addictive or compulsive activity)?

Who would you really be, if you couldn’t believe your thought–even in THAT situation?

A powerful question for anyone willing to imagine an answer.

I’d see a person who is confused, suffering, deeply troubled. Maybe even frightened. Someone feeling unsupported and tormented.

Someone believing a lie.

Let’s turn this thought around: I am lovable, to myself. I am lovable to the world. I am lovable to reality/God/Universe. I am lovable to other people. I am lovable as I overeat, or get angry, or react emotionally. I am a wave of energy, in motion, doing “human”. I’m someone feeling, sensing, being, alive. 

What is love, anyway? A feeling? An energy? 

I discover as I test and try on this turnaround that I am lovable, and sense a feeling of love within, that it’s a movement, an acceptance. There’s a sense of love surrounding any emotion, including self-criticism, apathy, or discouragement. 

I’m sitting here, alive. The next minute is unknown. I’m not “going somewhere” and I don’t need to get somewhere else. I have everything supplied, apparently, as here I sit–awake and conscious.

Nothing more required.

Why wouldn’t the belief “I am lovable” with nothing to be ashamed of be just as true, or truer, than any other thought passing along this mind? And I notice, this belief is relaxing, spacious, kind. There’s curiosity, if I’ve done something upsetting to myself or anyone else. Not condemnation. 

“Do you want to meet the love of your life? Look in the mirror.” ~ Byron Katie

If you find a stuck point inside you that automatically moves to “I did it wrong” and “I am wrong” and therefor “I am unlovable” then you might want to question it.

Your stress is how you know it’s a lie.

Much love,
Grace

One of the deepest most agonizing and painful feelings people with eating issues have….is shame.

I’m ashamed of myself for having this experience, for doing this type of eating, for thinking the way I think, for feeling the feelings I feel. 

Shame stays alive with secrets, hiding, keeping things to yourself. 

I found shame stayed alive through withholding myself, through not saying what seemed true for me. 

I wanted to hide the fact that I had eating issues, and even after I was no longer having any “disordered eating” episodes, I STILL wanted to hide my eating history.

Such a disgust around what I had done with food. 

The medicine for shame? A first profoundly powerful step is to share what you’re feeling with another human being–an individual, a group, it doesn’t matter–and be willing to enter that lack of safety. 

Today I talk about shame, some secrets I wanted to keep hidden…and also answer some questions about the upcoming Eating Peace program. In brief: the program has morphed and changed constantly. Honestly it’s worked brilliantly for some, and not for others. 

I’ve been learning for several years how to deliver what has worked for me with having a normal joy of eating and food, instead of suffering around it (as well as my body). 

It’s like my own eating peace program is how to share it with you, or really how to share it with my previous version of myself–the one who was so ashamed. 

Basically in a nutshell: the newest version of Eating Peace Process will start May 1st.

Participants will begin some practices step by step into their day to study eating, silence, thinking and inquiry (The Work of Byron Katie). 

We’ll do only the foundational practices for at least 2 weeks before moving on to more focus on the underlying patterns around compulsion. It’s my desire that everyone feel comfortable, and not so ashamed, when it comes to this eating thing. 

Most important of all when it comes to shame, in general? 

Identifying what you’ve experienced, done, thought or said that you feel is worthy of shame, and questioning it!

We’ve all done it in order to lose weight, or make some kind of change: Boot Camp, Crack Down, Force, Dictatorship….Violence.

We’ve read 850 books on diets and nutrition. We believe we know what to do.

Maybe there’s something we’ve been missing, though. Something emotional, some beliefs about cravings and food and eating and our bodie, some information and awareness we haven’t been tracking in the mind. 

Every time I applied control and force to myself, they persisted. 

What if your reaction to control and force is actually a voice for integrity? A voice that’s suggesting somewhere very important you need to examine, or understand? 

Who would you be without your story of fear, dread, anger, loneliness, despair? Who would you be without the story that life (including you) can’t be trusted in this moment? Who would you be without a story of out-of-control or must-fix right now?

It doesn’t mean you have to flip to the opposite and become passive, non-active, give up, quit trying.

Curiosity about your cravings might be one of the most interesting, brilliant things you’ve ever done. 

One way you can do it is to pause for 60 seconds.

Write what you are mentally concerned with–whatever’s on your mind. Notice, let it be random, it doesn’t have to make sense logically….it’s giving a craving and an imbalance the life it needs to live to become aware of it clearly, and understand it.

Much love,Grace

P.S. Eating Peace Process, an in-depth program for those of us with eating concerns, will start May 1st. Our focus is ending the repetitive cycle, working with self-inquiry, and finding the dance between what is and what can be, with loving compassion.

I opened my eyes this morning, and heard the deep breath four other women sleeping in the same room with me, lined up on the floor on mattresses, dorm room style. The light was  just dawning in the sky out the window.


We’re on the third floor of a huge house. A big open space with wooden floors, a gas stove in the corner and a few chairs around the perimeter of the room.

I’ve slept deeply. So far, I’ve had two full days and two nights being with my slumber party mates, plus 8 other people who are also in this same house (or nearby in an AirBnb), in focused self-inquiry.

This is a kind of inquiry combined with an invitation (not a requirement) for each person present to express any emotions felt in question three: “What happens, how to do you react, when you believe this thought?

Wow.

This is the kind of emotional release work I used to do in group therapy for three years. Telling the honest truth about feelings. Saying thoughts out loud. Losing our shame. Showing how we live and act and see and feel when we believe our stressful thought.

Roxann is our facilitator. As Byron Katie’s daughter, she’s been in the work for 30 years.

It shows. She’s not had such a disturbing awakening as her own mother who went a bit mad with having no more identity (you can read more about Byron Katie’s shift of consciousness in 1986 in Loving What Is).

Roxann got to learn self-inquiry in all its various forms from observing her mother’s life, and from coming along with her own experience.

Kind of like all of us are doing here; you, me, anyone interested in this “quest” of living with questions. We’re continuously practicing identifying and then wondering about our experiences, and our reactions to reality. 

It’s sweet and humbling and joyful to be able to sit in retreat and not be the one leading the group. I have the thought every facilitator or leader in any position benefits from this….all the beautiful learning, receiving, awareness that happens when we hold different roles in groups. When we’re open to how Not Done we are.

At least it’s good for me.

After my eyes opened this early morning, and I heard the sound of other bodies breathing deeply, I heard in my head this song playing:

Sun’s up, mmm hmmm, looks okay. The world survives into another day. And I’m thinking about eternity. Some kind of ecstasy got a hold on me.

I didn’t try to think it. I didn’t plan on recalling it.

It just popped in.

A joyful, brilliant message of grace by musician and songwriter Bruce Cockburn.

It came out in 1979 the year I graduated high school.

That was the last year anything appeared to be ecstatic for a long, long time. I felt lost, stuck, insecure, confused, addicted to drama and self-criticism, tortured for about ten years. College drop-out, father dying of cancer, boyfriend gone, over-eating, over-drinking, over-training, over-smoking, over-anxious, over-dreading.

Over-Thinking.

Not enough feeling.

It struck me this morning, as I dressed with joy, picked up my laptop, and went downstairs to set out breakfast for the group before writing to you here….that simply feeling without reservation, feeling without terror of judgment about feeling, feeling without shame, feeling with freedom to let it rip, let it be there….

….is such a beautiful allowing of What Is.

People on this retreat are all experienced in The Work. Everyone’s done it, practiced it, walked through it maybe hundreds of times.

And here we are together, sitting in Question Three and BEING who we are with our beliefs, letting them live….and THEN (and just as important) sitting in Question Four and imagining who we are without our story. 

Feeling who we are without our story. Remembering being in that situation, being with that difficult person without our story.

How?

By slowing the whole process down and letting the images, scenes, memories, feelings, words, silence….giving it all time to be there and be shared and witnessed.

I am stunned in this process that when we humans tell our story of pain, the feelings come alive. The vibration of feeling moves through the body, the limbs, hands, heart, chest, arms, throat, face. 

When we have the opportunity to be witnessed in this story and experience, the story can move, shift and transform into a healing one, not a victim one.

Sitting in the circle, every time someone does their work, I’m gazing into the face of someone absolutely brilliant: someone who knows their own inner life, and has their own inner guidance (without even knowing it sometimes), someone who’s following the simple directions to be themselves with a story they really want to understand and contemplate.

It’s always a story that’s caused deep distress and pain.

So yeah.

I had a story. 

I know I’ve written about it before so if you’ve read Grace Notes for awhile, you may have even read about it for 2 or 3 times.

Sometimes….a story takes time to crack open all the way, all the way. The story has its own timeline, its own pace. Some stories are with us for a lifetime, but the perspective alters.

There I was, jumping into my story of being abandoned, discarded, actually thrown away by my first husband.

Yes, I have spent time in inquiry and found miraculous advantages for everything happening as it did.

This work was about what was left.

He threw me away.

A scream came out of me that later, I noticed, hurt my throat. “Come back!! Come back!! Don’t leave!! I can’t do this on my own!! Nooooooo!!!” 

The scream reached back in time to my father and his cancer, and all the goodbyes from anyone or anything I had ever encountered that brought me support, help, strength.

The scream even reached into the future when my mom will die, or a good friend, or any friend who’s ever vanished, or maybe my current adorable husband.

Right now, I’m amazed at the core belief that just doesn’t quit in the mind: 

“I can’t”.

I can’t live well, I can’t do it, I can’t make it, I can’t succeed.

Who would we be without this story?

This weekend, by being here in the presence of these lovely willing humans, I’ve gotten to do The Work alongside them and they with me on boyfriends, ex-partners, father, mother, brother, sister, abandonment, betrayal, disgust, cancer, hatred, rage, terror, fighting, withholding, body, stalking, boss, service, duty, loyalty- gone-overboard.

I’ve gotten to un-crack more remnants of victimhood. The harshness of feeling like a victim.

The voice that says “I can’t”.

I notice right now, as I gaze for a moment out a beautiful French door with glass, a balcony, and still gray water lapping on the shore through the trees down below; I notice that except for my thinking, there is nothing terrible happening right now. 

Absolutely nothing. 

Turning the thought around: I can.

I can go on. I can live. I can succeed. I can make it. I can survive. I can do it. I can love. 

I already have–haven’t you?

And here’s a turnaround I love so much, and we don’t always find this turnaround in every inquiry: YAHOO!!! YIPPEE!!! I can’t!!!

Because here’s what I notice; When I can’t, something else happens, someone comes in to help, I wind up somewhere unusual, I get surprised (in a good way). 

I don’t even need to believe I can….I just am. I’m being it. I’m being breathed, as Katie says. I’m just here.

I can’t, so hooray and halleluia! 

I can’t….so that thing I pictured was unnecessary, it was a lie. I can’t, because I was needed elsewhere achieving something different. I can’t become an orthopedic surgeon because I’m busy facilitating The Work and writing this note. I can’t make a million dollars because I’m busy learning how fundamentally supported I am without the cash. 

I can’t stay married the first time because I’m of far greater service to the world, and a thousand times more connected to other people (my favorite) after being “left” and getting divorced. 

Reality is always kinder than the stories we tell about it. ~ Byron Katie

You can do this work, too. 

Find a witness, one friend, a family member, someone who can listen closely to you or maybe two or three. Invite them to gather. Tell them you want to share your story, Have them listen honorably, without interruption or advice. Then, wonder what it would be like to NOT have your belief in this identity, this “I can’t” story. 

There is something so very healing and liberating about sharing what’s true in your heart–the good, the bad, and the ugly. All the explaining you want to do about how you can’t and how sad or unhappy you are about it. 

Who would you be without your story right now in this moment that you are Not Able or You Can’t and it’s bad, sad, frightening, wrong?

Maybe a smile comes to your face. Maybe you get a little charge f Can-Do. Maybe you feel a whisper of inspiration, or patience. Or if you feel like me in the moment, some kind of ecstasy takes a hold on you. 

If you want to tap into this process of doing The Work (not necessarily in the same format of spotlight focus on feelings: beginners to experienced are all welcome) then join me on spring retreat in Seattle at our beautiful retreat house May 15-19. A few rooms left for those who’d like to stay onsite (ask about the fees for rooms). Register.

I Wonder Where The Lions Are–Thinking About Eternity by Bruce Cockburn. 

Much love,
Grace

“To me, sangha is a central support in meditation practice. Sangha is a community outside the realm of our work life and our everyday life, a place where we refrain from competition and one-upping each other. It’s also an opportunity to put the brakes on people-pleasing behaviors. Rather, we tell each other the truth of our experience.” ~ Pema Chodron

Gathering in a group is so wonderful, so meaningful, so supportive, and so…..difficult. 
Because….people. 

From time to time, it dawns on me how brave people are who are willing to do The Work with others.

It’s not easy. 

The Work asks us to expose the worst thoughts we have about situations, the things we should hide. And we better keep them hidden. Right?

We have the thing we’re thinking about with concern–it’s aggressive, painful, aggravating. Something happened, it felt so terrible. 

Ugh. What would people think?

And then, on top of our sadness or irritation….we’re also guilty and ashamed. 
The last thing we want to do sometimes is call it up, talk about it, write about it, or set our minds to inquiring.

Can’t we do something else?

(Oh, you mean like eat, drink, smoke, spend, game, internet? Sure! Won’t be fun though). 

Those Judge Your Neighbor worksheets are so frightening sometimes. What if someone read them? What if he knew I was writing this? What if she found it? 

(I’ve had many people leave their worksheets at my house in a secret file, and come back to keep working on them each week or month). 

It does take a ton of courage to express yourself honestly in the childish, hurt, cutting, bitter way we feel. We’re judging ourselves simultaneously while sharing our feelings at the very same time. 

Something screams “Don’t say that! OMG, she’s saying it.”

And yet….who would we be without the belief we shouldn’t reveal this embarrassing situation, or that awful thing we did, or the terrible words that person said to us and we’re now thinking about them? Who would we be without the belief that we have something to hide?

Turning the beliefs around: it’s wonderful to reveal our innermost thoughts and judgments, it’s NOT terrible to share what happened to us, it’s powerful to say what we did. We have nothing we need to hide. Safety is here. Acceptance. Love.

Could these be just as true or truer? 

All I know is, the greatest healing and peace, unconditional love and gratitude I have ever felt is when I’ve shared very personal, revealing, difficult things about myself, about my childhood, about my life….and been heard, witnessed and accepted. 

Reading Judge Your Neighbor worksheets out loud to at least one other has a way of admitting and owning: “I am here” and “I am human”. 

I know I feel honored and full of appreciation when someone tells me something they’ve been festering over that they haven’t spoken of before. 

And it’s extra special powerful when we get to do that in groups, with supportive, kind people who are all gathered to do The Work together. We’re meeting because we want to be free of our secrets or inner turmoil of judgment. There’s something incredible about finding out other people think the very same thoughts we do. 

Wow. We are not alone. 

We can all support each other, and ourselves, to write down our judgments–the most nasty hateful fearful thoughts we’ve ever had–and take them through this process called The Work. In doing this, we discover alternative ways to see, new possibilities.

Opposites. 

Who are we all without our stressful stories? 
Loving, sharing with each other. Getting support. Not doing it while suffering, alone. 

We’re a sangha.

I hope if you’re thinking about coming to retreat, you’ll do it in May. It’s such a wonderful time of taking off the dark blankets that have been hiding our pain, shame, embarrassment, anger, or grief. 

In spring cleaning retreat, everything’s blossoming, especially our inner spirits, as we become part of the tribe called human. 

You can do this with any circle gathered together to do The Work. Find a Meetup near you, google a retreat in the area, join a study group, get a partner on skype or the phone, take a class, work with a facilitator, have a friend facilitate you, and you facilitate them. 

It’s remarkable to live with nothing to hide.

Join me on retreat in Seattle at our beautiful retreat house. A few rooms left for those who’d like to stay onsite (ask about the fees for rooms). Register. 

Much love,Grace