Grace, Author at Question with Grace

May 2, 2014

How To Stop Resisting and Persisting

What you resist, persists.

I know you’ve heard that phrase before.

What about when a friend says it to you, right after you’ve just spilled your guts (for the 100th time about the same thing)?

I know, I know! What I resist, persists! I’m TRYING to stop resisting here, but it’s HAAAAAARD!

(Picture someone wiggling around wearing a straightjacket, their face turning red).

Yesterday in the Year of Inquiry group, we investigated the belief “this situation (or person, place, maybe you) requires fixing”.

Sometimes, we have the same kinds of thoughts, over and over again. We’d like to change, but don’t know how.

Gosh, it really needs fixing. It needs to become different. ASAP.

Here are some really, really common resistant moments and experiences that people have written to me about, or worked with me in addressing.

I’ve gone through every single one.

Eating too much, especially at night when alone
Bouncing checks or not having enough money
Complaining about your career
Telling yourself you should be exercising more
Thinking about your ex-partner
Criticizing your current partner
Worrying about your kid(s)

These thoughts come along about your work, your life, your spouse, your activities, your money, your spiritual life, your success.

Then you say “I’M AGAINST THIS! DOWN WITH THIS SITUATION!”

If you go down the Resistance Path….which assumes you need to fix it….

…..here’s what I find always happens: You attack the thing or situation outside of yourself, you attack YOU for being involved in the first place, you feel lousy, you hate it, you make a plan to change, it doesn’t, you attack the situation or thing outside yourself, you attack yourself….

….you get the picture. Merry-go-round.

No Freedom. No peace.

In war, resistance is considered the opposing force. In psychiatry, resistance is never wanting to bring something dark and secretive or unconscious into consciousness. In biological science, resistant diseases can’t be attacked or broken apart.

It’s tight, tense, scheming, full of plans.

Let’s do The Work and inquire.

Pick just one of those places in your life that you notice bugs you, more than once, and probably a whole lot.

I’m completely against this situation. This relationship. This person. This job.

Is it true, that you’re against it?

YES! Duh! Who wouldn’t be? I can show you my proof and tell you my difficult story.

Can you be absolutely sure that you’re against this, the whole shebang? Are you positive that there is NOTHING to like, nothing serving you, nothing helpful, in this activity, this person, this job, or this dynamic?

When I used to binge-eat many years ago, at the beginning of my healing journey if you had asked me if there was anything helpful about having an eating disorder, I would have said “No! What are you, nuts?!”

But can you be absolutely 100% positive that everything about this repetitive situation….your complaints about that person, dreaming about your past, obsessing about your future, repeating the same thing many times (like addiction)….can you be sure you hate it? That you’re entirely against it?

No.

This is really important to notice.

When I ate, I’d get distracted, I’d feel comfort, I’d switch channels, I’d calm down, I’d tune out.

So I wasn’t completely and totally against binge-eating. I could have barely admitted it. But that was truer.

How do you react when you believe you are against something!? When you believe that the way to peace is to fight, defend, bolster yourself up, justify yourself, build an army, make a plan? When you believe this situation requires fixing, it is broken?

I react with great aggression towards myself, or towards others. Even if its all on the inside. It’s like a storm, internally.

When I hold resistance to anything or anyone, or any moment, any feeling, any circumstance….

….I feel terrible, sad, urgent. I call myself an idiot. I notice how stuck I am.

I lash out at other people. Or clam up. Give up.

“Self-hate encourages you to judge, then it beats you for judging. You judge someone else and it’s simply self-hate projected outward, then you get to use it back on yourself when you beat yourself for judging! We call this ‘Heads you lose, tails you lose.'” ~ Cheri Huber

So who would you be without the thought that you MUST resist this thing? Without the belief that you are against this situation, or yourself, or that person?

Who would you be if you were a tree, that simply stands there, rooted very deeply into the ground, bending with the wind?

Who would you be without the belief that you have to do something about this pesky situation? You have to fight, destroy, change or end it?

No war. No resistance.

It’s pretty counter-intuitive in many ways. The mind wants to make a goal, get a plan together. Form a posse.

It will tell you “I must quit smoking” or “I absolutely have to stop overeating” or “this job sucks”.

We already know how you react when you believe you have to resist something in order to make it end.

You lose.

So what is the opposite, to your thoughts of resistance?

I want this to keep going, this situation is working somehow in some weird way, I am not against this, there are advantages to this situation occurring in my life….

…I LOVE THIS!

Well, OK, maybe you can’t quite say you love it…but can you not hate it?

I’m in favor of this situation. I’m FOR it.

How could that be true?

For me all those binge-eating episodes and anxiety-ridden experiences showed me where I was confused, missing something, lost. They inspired the most incredible lifetime journey, still unfolding, of brightening reality.

A profound journey unlike anything I could ever imagine was going to happen.

Find out why you might be in favor of that thing you thought you were against.

Notice what it feels like, in your body, to not resist it.

You may not know what you need to do next….but in this exact moment, doesn’t that feel better to lay down your arms?

That’s the beginning. Let it be the way it is.

You got this.

“A lover of what is looks forward to everything: life, death, disease, loss, earthquakes, bombs, anything the mind might be tempted to call ‘bad’. Life will bring us everything we need, to show us what we haven’t undone yet. Nothing outside ourselves can make us suffer. Except for our unquestioned thoughts, every place is paradise.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

May 1, 2014

Create Your Own Mini Retreat

Room for two more people on Saturday in Seattle’s Mini Retreat, write to me by hitting “reply” to this email if you want to come. 1:30-5:30 pm, worth 4 CEUs.

The process of the doing The Work really is like a guided meditation.

You can do it with yourself, if you’re patient with your own mind.

To have your own mini retreat like the one we’ll be doing in person on Saturday afternoon, set aside at least one hour of quiet time. Get a friend if you can. That will really help you stay on track.

Then follow these steps.

Step One: Think of a situation in which you felt hurt, anxious, angry or sad about someone else. Don’t do it on yourself. Everyone always wants to do it on themselves. But you weren’t born upset with yourself….it came alive through interactions with other people for the most part.

So go outward first, to keep it really simple.

Step Two: Get what you’re thinking, all the awkward, vicious, judgmental, depressing stuff on paper. Don’t edit yourself. You can burn the paper afterwards. The worksheet for doing this is the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and you can get it atwww.thework.com.

Step Three: Look over everything you’ve written down. All your aggressive, mean, childish, petty, judgmental concepts about that person in that difficult situation.

Pick ONE. Make sure the sentence, this concept, is very simple. If you’re like me and you write long sentences, you may have to break up this concept into two or three very simple, shorter sentences.

For example, you might write: “I am upset because he lied to me about the business transactions and told our secretary that she was going to be fired so she stormed out of the office”. To break this long sentence up, you would write: “he lied to me” and “he told our secretary she was going to be fired” and “she stormed out of the office.”

If you spend time with the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet you will consider on a very deep level WHY this was upsetting for you.

You’ll begin to wonder.

If someone “storms out” what is the trouble with that?

What should or shouldn’t have happened instead? What do you really, really need in that situation to bring you happiness, peace, tranquility, comfort?

Step Four: After you’ve picked only one, simple concept, either answer the questions called The Work in writing….or have someone ask you those questions.

Take it slowly.

Here are the four questions:

1) Is it true?

2) Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

3) How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

4) Who would you be without the thought, if you couldn’t even have the thought at all?

Step Five: Turn the thought you’ve been questioning around to the opposites. Example: he lied to me becomes a) I lied to him, b) he did NOT lie to me, and c) I lied to myself.

Study all of these. Open yourself to all of them. Open your heart to the flip side of the dual nature of the mind. Truth/Lying, Mean/Kind, Hate/Love.

Enter the world of All Sides. No Absolutes.

We’ll do this, quietly and in silence on Saturday.

But even if you live a long, long way from Seattle….you can have your own mini-retreat. Invite a few people over. Print out Judge Your Neighbor worksheets, and then the Facilitation Guide with the questions of The Work.

You never know what one afternoon meditation session can bring.

“The Work is meditation. It’s about awareness; it’s not about trying to change your mind. Let your mind ask the questions, then contemplate. Take your time, go inside, and wait for the deeper answers to surface.” ~ Byron Katie

If you notice that you’re a thinker….then having this time with that mind full of thoughts is so precious, you may be astonished at what can happen, rather than upset with your speedy analytical mental activity.

Your own brilliance may shine. You may find clarity, your own wisdom, your own answers.

Your life may change, just a little (or a whole lot). Soften, relax, pause, expand.

Sign me up.

Much love, Grace

April 30, 2014

Be In This Yuck Place From Your True Nature

“I don’t like it here.”

This past week, two inquirers noticed this thought and how terribly stressful it could become.

Ooooh boy, I can relate.

I used to have this thought all the time about being on the planet.

I once had a very dear friend who felt constantly depressed because of living in the same city I live in, where it rains a lot during the winter. She stayed here for a decade. Then finally, returned to the place she grew up. Lots of sun.

Depression and sadness averted? Not really.

I had another friend who moved as far away from home as possible, to a place where the weather was mild, the people were mild, the temperature was mild, the landscape was mild. Lots of successful-looking huge houses on the beach. No family drama.

Was the inside of his head mild?

Uh. That would be NO. He struggled constantly to stop anxiety, switch medications, find another new solution, and change his feelings of rage towards other humans.

Let’s do The Work.

If you have a place you think of as imperfect, or horrible, where your life actually takes you there on purpose sometimes, then recall it now.

Even if you hardly ever go there anymore, but when you talk about it, you complain with a vengeance….this may be your chance to settle something important about that place.

You don’t like it there.

Is that true?

Yes, it’s dirty, dusty, noisy, the water comes out of the taps cloudy, everyone tries to pick your pocket, the food could make you sick, it’s too hot, it’s too cold, too many creepers on the streets, too much snow, traffic, pollution, people squish you, too crowded, houses are too ticky-tacky matching…..

….you get the idea.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that you don’t like it?

I close my eyes, I feel what that place feels like.

I slow waaaaay down. Hearing, smelling, tasting, seeing, touching, feeling. Being there, remembering it, images rushing by in my mind.

Not absolutely true.

How do I react when I believe I don’t like it here?

I talk about it, I fight against it, I disagree with other people who do like it, I hate positive comments about it, I attack it, I feel aggressive towards it, I feel frightened and run away from it.

I think of it as a problem that must be solved.

I love it when I said to my husband “I hate the clutter in this room! It’s the wrong furniture! It’s been five years of living this way!”

Like we’ve been living in terrible conditions and he surely agrees with me what a terrible plight we’re in.

“Your life is in a mess. You want to get out of it. It’s in a mess because of your ideas. You have wrong ideas. Don’t even bother trying to catch the culprit……The simplest formula to this: the world is full of sorrow, the root of sorrow is desire or attachment, the uprooting of sorrow is desire-less-ness, the uprooting of attachments.” ~ Anthony De Mello

Who would you be without the thought that you don’t like it here? That it’s fine if you prefer one place over another place, but you don’t really mind this situation?

Without the thought that right here at the dump, in the garbage pit, on the side of the freeway, in the middle of war…..I don’t believe with a vengeance that I hate it here?

Really? Wow.

It does not mean that I don’t look around, get up, seek shelter, ask for help, move to a quieter table.

I can do all those things, and have preferences….without clinging on to the belief that I should like every minute of every hour non-stop.

I like it here.

Could that be as true, or truer?

I notice, it is so much more fun to like it here. Incredible, really. The most fascinating and luscious place, such variety, the movie changing constantly, every moment a different possibility.

A movement, a hum, ideas coming and going, nothing to fear, nothing to actually be against, nothing to eliminate. Including everything, everything.

I like my thoughts here. They, too, come and go. They spring up then fade back. Intense, then asleep.

Even the middle of a concentration camp. Not playing at denial, simply noticing there is something to like here.

This heart beating, the sky, a bug, that sound.

Who knows what might happen, now that you like this place, just a little. The war might be over. And you could live anywhere.

“You realize that you never really wanted whatever you thought you wanted. You realize that behind all of your desires was a single desire: to experience each moment from your true nature.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

April 29, 2014

He’s Asking Too Much–Is It True?

It’s only two months now until the Breitenbush Annual summer retreat immersion in The Work.

If you register by this Thursday, May 1st, it’s only $395 for tuition. You add lodging and meals based on your own preference.

To sign up call Breitenbush on the phone at 503-854-7174. The reservation desk is open, even if the campus is not, so listen carefully to their outgoing message and press the right buttons to get connected.

Speaking of ancient old-fashioned ways of making reservations….

….I’m in love with my new smart phone.

If a phone can do what this phone does (it talks to me when it can tell I’m moving in car, so I’m hands-free, wow)…

…then one would think that registering for ANYTHING should be easy.

The other day I took a six hour CEU (Certified Education Units) training for my certification in counseling in Washington state entitled “Mental Health Ethics in the Digital Age”.

As our brilliant lecturer began the program and asked everyone what devices they used and whether or not they had websites, the range of answers was enormous.

Someone shouted from the back of the room that she would NEVER sign up for facebook. Later on I taught her about Instagram and Snapchat, which I learned from my teens.

I thought she was going to have a heart attack. (We laughed!)

People get fired up about social media and doing things online, getting information stolen or interrupted or spied on. Many people are oriented towards face-to-face contact or talking on the phone rather than email or chat room.

It’s really interesting noticing a little stabbing judgy thoughts about people, new technology and devices and programs, and what they should or should not be doing.

A man wrote me recently asking to please send information to his P.O. Box about the Breitenbush retreat. No email or phone number.

I wondered what information, exactly? I have a ton of information already on my website, and on www.thework.com events, and on facebook events.

Can’t you get it there?

I must confess, I resisted.

Send a physical written letter thing? Jeez, what a lot of unnecessary work! In this day and age? He must be 100 years old!

(Gosh, could it be that sometimes, the information I list out there online might be a little hard to find, or confusing, or—gasp—incorrect?)

Well. It’s a little embarrassing to admit I didn’t want to write a postcard, but this is worthy of The Work.

Because everything is.

It’s kinda like the same as getting all worked up about traffic, or interruptions, or losing your dollars in the vending machine….

….is it true, that this question requires an inconvenient action? Is it true that giving a response is a hassle?

No.

It took me less than five minutes to send a postcard today, to the requested address.

Is it true that I would know what that person’s motivation, age, situation or personality is like, who is making this request?

People who get enraged at traffic often think they know what the drivers are like: rude, unconscious, unsafe, distracted.

But can you know that this is true?

Can you be SURE that you know whatever you think you know about the questioner?

Not at all.

How do you react when you believe the thought that someone is asking you for something inconvenient, or something that is “making” you expend extra energy?

Well, heck, the way I react is I dismiss them. I think they’re irritants. I want to ignore them, get away from them.

Sometimes people feel this way at work. Someone asks them to complete something new, different, extra, unusual.

What a pain-in-the-ass!

Fume fume fume.

Maybe you do a poor job, just to make them sorry. So they never ask you again.

But who would you be if you couldn’t even have the thought that his request is a hassle? That her question was stupid? That their complaint is frightening? That she asks for too much?

“There isn’t any hell or heaven except for how we relate to our world. Hell is just resistance to life. When you want to say no to the situation you’re in, it’s fine to say no, but when you build up a big case to the point where you are so convinced that you would draw your sword and cut off someone’s head, that kind of resistance to life is hell.” ~ Pema Chodron

I may not have a sword….but my mind is shooting daggers. This is not really that different.

In fact, I see that if I can notice this internal stab, it’s a lot easier to soften, relax and surrender and take the most natural next step.

Like send a simple postcard to someone I never met.

Then, it never turns into war. I use my intuition, I respond.

Yes. No. Not right now. Maybe later. Pause. Wait. Yes.

I turn the thoughts around: Breitenbush should reserve only by phone and appear to be closed a lot, that man is not asking for too much, they aren’t hassling me, it is not difficult, I don’t know what they are thinking…

I follow the simple directions.

It’s very efficient. And much easier.

Even fun.

Heck, now I’m thinking I could have written more. I could have printed out something from my website and sent it. Ha ha, it moved the way it did.

Gently.

“When you think that someone or something other than yourself needs to change, you’re mentally out of your business.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

April 28, 2014

True Relief In Changing Absolutely Nothing

Only three more spots in the mini retreat this coming weekend. If you want to go from beginning to end investigating one personal dilemma, problem, person, situation, or pattern in your life that causes upset….

….and learn how to facilitate someone through the process as well….

….we’ll go from beginning to end in four hours. Four CEUs for mental health professionals. 1:30-5:30 on Saturday 5/3.

Write grace@workwithgrace.com with questions or to register.

**********

I’ve been teaching the Money teleclass again lately.

I love bringing the awareness of supply to the forefront again, like every time I do the money class.

Looking at money, and what it symbolizes, means, represents.

All the stories, so fantastic, so thoroughly fascinating.

Seeing what you *think* will give you support, time, relaxation or freedom in your life is truly exciting.

Throughout human history, people have had complex and confusing ideas….but very common ones….about what they need in order to have support, security, or freedom.

Money, a boyfriend, a wife, a lover, youth, good parents, a different partner, a guru, a teacher, a method, a meditation retreat, enlightenment, a different mind (we went over that yesterday), a fair divorce, health, weight loss, beauty.

One of my favorite questions that Byron Katie asks is “what would you have, if you had what you think you need in order to be happy?”

So what would you have, if your partner quit smoking? What would you have, if you got married? What would you have, if you won the lottery? What would you have, if you no longer had cancer?

Often we’re just sure we’d have it better. Life would be easier, safer, more interesting, more loving.

I always thought having more money would make life easier.

You pick the thing you want to investigate with me right now…that thing that if it changed, and you got MORE or LESS of it….

….you’d be rockin’ the casbah in no time.

Well….first off….is it true that if you got more (or less) of it that you’d be happy?

Yes. If I won the billion dollar lottery, I’d be jumping up and down, I’d never have to worry again, I’d get so excited to share it, I’d be free to move forward on x, y, z.

Yes. If I had a husband who was a competitive athlete I’d have more health and fitness, and therefore happiness, in my life.

Yes. If I had all the time in the world for retreats I’d be zoning out on bliss and clarity at all times.

Yes. A client of mine said if she didn’t have cancer, all the fear, pain and danger in her day-to-day activities would dissolve.

Yes. Another client said if he go that new promotion, he’d jump for joy.

But can you absolutely know that its true?

I once heard Adyashanti talking about the way we get a nice new car and its awesome for about two weeks. Or less.

Or a new lover. Pretty exciting for some amount of time. Then we find faults. The relationship isn’t giving us what we anticipated or hoped for.

So we start to look for something different, something else. Not quite there yet.

No. I really can’t know its true that if I got what I think I want, I’d be totally and completely satisfied and happy.

But who would you be without the thought that having a bunch of money, or attention, or fame, or love from a person….

….or a bunch less sickness, mental analysis, boredom, work….

….would give you real happiness?

Wow, it’s astonishing.

Without the story that you need anything, in order to be happy, a very strange and exquisite emptiness is felt. Like a big question mark. A very quiet but powerful silence. Everything slows down.

Nothing, absolutely nothing (including the right spiritual message) could give me happiness, that I don’t already have?

You mean I’m not lacking something? Or in need?

I don’t need to have a back-up plan, or save something in reserves for a rainy day? Or keep hunting, endlessly, for my true love, or my true teacher, or the right answer, or enlightenment?

Ha ha!

Without the thought that I need even a drop of something to gain or achieve something better….

….laughter wells up from underneath somewhere, behind and below and all around.

Turning the thought around: I don’t need that thing in order to be happy. Maybe that thing (or person) needs more of me. Maybe I need more of myself, more awareness of what is here.

Well, I sure notice that what I always needed was more of myself, not money, love or security (etc). I kept looking at myself like I was just a mind, thinking thinking thinking.

But we are all so much more than what we *think*.

What does your pinky toe say about this effort to find awareness, enlightenment, money, truth, or health?

Pinky Toe is very happy, already. It doesn’t even “get” trying to find enlightenment or a lover or extra cash.

Phew. Nothing more to do. Nothing to find or get. Nothing to acquire.

You already know that stopping, and resting, is just what the doctor ordered. Sweet, magnificent rest.

“When your image of the me takes a break, you’ll find all you are doing at that moment is just being open. You feel quite relieved that you are not trying to get to another moment or a better experience. You feel yourself just being in a very relaxed, easy sense of peace. You haven’t gained anything at all–you’re not smarter, you don’t necessarily know more than anyone else, and you haven’t suddenly become holy.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

April 27, 2014

You Can Love Your Mind

This past week, and many other times before, I’ve talked with truly honest and genuine inquirers who say this:

I am soooo angry, I am furious, I hate everything, I’m mad at my mate, my child, the traffic, my friends, everyone’s annoying, I am just so freakin’ judgmental, I can’t stand my own mind!

When you have this experience, and view the world through these pissy-irritable glasses, it’s not exactly fun.

Like a committee of screaming voices in the head that go from zero to hate in about one-quarter second.

Then you feel anxious, you hate yourself and your own thinking, and you lose.

As Byron Katie says….100% of the time. You lose.

You know it, right?

The loss feels horrible, you get depressed, explosive, you act ways you’d rather not act, you say snappy things to people you love, you become one of those negative complaining sorts.

The kind of person you don’t want to be.

I once was very close friends with someone who was exceptionally critical (my assessment, but he agreed).

We had long, long conversations about anger, death, what made us nervous, what we wanted, what was upsetting about life.

I noticed that this friend would often be at war with his own mind, hating the way it worked, trying to find a cure for his judgmental nature.

He should relax, he should calm down, he should stop being so critical, he is really afraid, he is so nervous and suspicious about everything under the sun…..

….but was that true?

Yes! He would feel a thousand percent better if he just chilled out a little, jeez. He should grow up, what a baby! He keeps wanting everything to be perfect, and it never will be.

Can I absolutely know that this is true?

Can I absolutely know he should stop having a mind like that, stop judging, stop carrying on, stop criticizing, stop being so horribly mean and nasty towards everyone and everything?

Yes! I’m positive he’d have a better life, and so would everyone around him!

But wait.

Maybe judgment, criticism and nastiness all exist for a reason…..they are part of reality, after all.

Maybe he needs to be just as judgmental and rude as he is, for reasons I don’t even know.

I’ve felt that mean and critical before. I’ve been enraged, bossy, controlling.

Sigh. It may not be absolutely true that he shouldn’t be like that.

I know how I react when I believe the thought that anyone should be different, including MY OWN MIND.

I want order! I command that things go my way NOW!

It’s quite hopeless. Have you ever ordered your own mind to stop being so judgmental? Has it worked?

Who would I be without that thought? Without even being able to think that idea that he shouldn’t be so critical?

I wait, to answer this question. It takes a moment.

Without the thought that for the benefit of all, he should be different?

Dang. That is one mind-altering, crazy different way to look at this.

But I realize, I’d be…..less angry. Lighter. I might move away from him, towards a quieter place under the trees. I might give him a hug and tell him I care about him.

If he pushed me away, I would not take it personally. I might realize he’s feeling the way I’ve felt so many times before. I’d leave him alone.

“It is in the arena of personal relationships that the illusion of a separate self clings most tenaciously and insidiously. Indeed, there is nothing that derails more spiritual seekers than the grasping at and attaching to personal relationships.” ~ Adyashanti

I turn the thoughts around to the opposites: he should NOT stop being the judgy way he’s being, he should keep on doing what he’s doing, I should stop being the way I am being when I’m looking at him, I should stop being so critical of myself.

Could I allow my own critical mind, and his critical mind….to be as they are? No need to change them?

No need to fix anything. At all. Whatsoever.

Including my own mental analysis, criticism, judgment and overwhelm.

Inside I feel an inner sobbing, a welling up of release, freedom, letting go, defeat, surrender.

Acceptance of all that is, including criticisms and judgments and Huge Committee Voices that appear to attack the world non-stop, whether in his head or my own.

“All that happiness is already supplied. But the unquestioned mind is so loud, you don’t realize the happiness underneath the mind.” ~ Byron Katie

Today, if you could really sit with the ultimate turnarounds to the thoughts that generate out like a machine when you’re upset, anxious about the future, disappointed about the past…

….could the opposites be as true, or truer, than your original beliefs?

I am soooo supported, I am ecstatic, I love everything, I’m connected to my mate, my child, the traffic, my friends, everyone’s incredible, I am just so freakin’ accepting, I absolutely love my own mind!

Wow.

I love my own mind?

Why not?

“You know why I care about loving someone? It hurts until I do. I am someone who knows the difference between what hurts and what doesn’t. I discovered what masochism really is, and that discovery left me as someone who loves you…..If you hate me, you hate you. If you love me, you love you.” ~ Byron Katie

Today, I love my own mind. I love that it is such a busy-bee.

I notice that when I love it, instead of waging war on it for being a judgment machine….

….it gets much, much quieter.

And sort of, well, friendly.

“All you need is already within you, only you must approach your self with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors.” ~ Nisargadatta

Much love, Grace

April 25, 2014

Breitenbush Retreat and Mini Retreat Deadlines Soon

Two deadlines looming.

That sounds like the beginning of a poem.

The poetry of living with a dramatic, expressive mind using dramatic, expressive language. And noticing time limits approaching.

Deadline #1: Next week, Wednesday April 30th is the last day to register for Breitenbush Hotsprings Retreat and get the Early Bird super low fee for a four-day retreat ($395). June 25-29th.

To register for this luscious time for body, mind, spirit….you must call Breitenbush. You have to actually phone them, the old fashioned way 503-854-3320.

Deadline #2: May 3rd the last mini retreat for several months. We meet in Seattle at Goldilocks Cottage, limited to ten participants.

Here’s the wonderful thing about both of these retreats:

Contact live and in-person with your inner world, through showing up, making connection, being there, putting your stake in the ground.

One is four hours.

One is four days.

Which one would you like to attend?

And really, have you noticed how dramatic and expressive the voices inside tend to be? Because the word DEADLINE is kind of intense.

I love learning about the origin of words and phrases. “Deadline” was first coined during the Civil War in the US, inside prisons. If a prisoner crossed a certain boundary line past the stockade, the guards were instructed to shoot.

Cross the line (probably headed in the direction of the prison wall) and you were going to be…..well, dead.

Back to earth….and present reality….I have questioned this “deadline” when it comes to retreats, and even the description of it as “looming” and found neither one to be true.

But I have found that making friends with my own thoughts, patterns, conditioning, and all that I have absorbed and assumed to be true…..

…..a matter of life or death of happiness.

Navigating life while also believing in terrible danger, loss, chaos, horror, fear, devastation, and tragedy is very hard.

It feels like death warmed over, as my grandma used to say.

If your own mind aims at you like a guard, every time you approach an invisible line, telling you to step back or you’ll be dead, you might feel very much like you’re trapped in hell.

The way to begin, if you really feel depressed, concerned, anxious, fearful and lost….is to write down everything that you feel upset about.

What’s dangerous? What’s horrifying?

You may have a long list. That’s OK. You may have a short one. That’s OK too.

I hate that we have to die, I hate that my marriage ended, I hate that this world is confusing, I hate that my child suffered, I hate that I lost my previous better life, I hate the absence of money, I hate my own mind, I hate that there are starving banished people, I hate how some people treat others.

The world is a confusing (or terrible) place.

Now pick just one concept, to begin the process.

It’s hard for the mind to stop and pick just ONE objection.

But that’s where The Work of Byron Katie begins. Self-inquiry has started here in many other forms of inquiry as well, for centuries of human spiritual and existential investigation. Looking at ONE concept or principle at a time.

When I gather together with others, we have a landing place. The runway. We all get on the airplane together. The group energy and intent sets a tone to stay, look together, not to go off on tangents or avoid difficult feelings.

During your inquiry, or afterwards, you may take off.

“The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.” ~ Pema Chodron

Gathering with others, we build together, even if we don’t know the outcome. We’re on retreat for the purpose of looking at our thoughts, our beliefs, our perceptions of the world.

Nothing has been more life-changing for me that asking if it is true when I believe something troubling.

I might have done this all by myself on a desert island, but despite my occasional plans to go live in a monastery, my life has turned out to be active and of this world.

Retreats happen in the middle of it all. My best investigation has been done in the presence of other investigators.

“Let’s remember why we’re here at retreat: for this amazing opportunity to really look into the core of our own existence, the core of life itself that is so easy to overlook. It’s so easy not to pay attention to it, because it’s not noisy and it’s not clamoring for attention like all the other aspects of the human mind……So we come here to give our attention, our affection, our time. Our most highly prized commodity is our time. Anything or anyone you give your time to shows immediately what is most important.” Adyashanti

Is it time to join with others for four hours, or four days, to really look into the core of your existence? To break through all the chatter, anger, war, discord and angst keeping you feeling trapped?

If YES, then come, come, wherever you are.

Much love, Grace

April 24, 2014

Every Loss Has To Be A Gain

When a beloved furry pet dies, it can feel very sad.

Several people have written me lately about their animal friends dying, and feeling grief, depression, regret.

I haven’t had a pet as an adult…but I understand the welling up of tears and all the thoughts that start to churn that may turn out to feel stressful.

I miss him
I should have done more with her
If only I had known that was his last day
her life was too short
I could have done better

Funny how when something is “lost” and the life of that animal, or person even, is over….we sometimes want to reach back and grab for more.

More time, more cuddles, more conversations, more intimacy.

A dear inquirer who recently lost a little cat noticed thoughts of guilt entering her mind….

….if I had known she was going to die, I would have let her eat more food and enjoy more pleasures, not been so strict.

Let’s take a look at this difficult thought that can appear with loss of someone you love, whether a pet or a person.

I could have done better.

Is that true?

Are you sure?

Because you only knew what you knew, in that previous moment. You know a little more now, here in this moment. What if you weren’t supposed to know it back then?

The mind may argue….“but I DID kind of know. I should have paid attention, I should have followed my intuition, I knew I could do better, I could have been more clear, honest, aware, trusting, astute, kind…”

Are you really sure you could have done better? Are you 100% positive that you should have known what you didn’t know, or decided what you didn’t decide?

Many years ago, I became pregnant, and after terrible agonizing, had an abortion.

When asked later in life what I believed to be the absolute worst thing I had ever done, the thing I felt most guilt about…..it was that.

I had never known prior to that experience what post-traumatic stress syndrome might be like. I was beside myself with grief and regret. I was sick for days. It stayed with me for a decade. I was shocked by my own dreadful thoughts towards myself. I couldn’t stop thinking about it for years.

One of the first Byron Katie events I ever went to, a woman stood up and said it out loud. She regretted having an abortion.

I still felt so much shame, I couldn’t believe this woman told the same story, publicly, holding a microphone!

But as Katie asked her to question her beliefs, to do The Work, something shifted inside about this thing called “regret”.

In the dictionary, regret is defined as the sorrow about the loss of opportunity.

Ah, there’s the rub.

The image of the future or past (which is actually false and does not exist) where opportunity lives, or used to live.

Now, not only is this life lost, but this imagined and vivid alternate opportunity. The one where the person or animal I care about is alive, or happy.

Over and over again, in the distant past, I imagined the birthdate, the gender, the life of this child that never was.

Deep torture.

Who would I be without that thought, that I could have done better?

“You can’t let go of a stressful thought, because you didn’t create it in the first place. A thought just appears. You’re not doing it. You can’t let go of what you have no control over. Once you’ve questioned the thought, you don’t let go of it, IT lets go of YOU. It no longer means what you thought it meant.” ~ Byron Katie

Imagine who you would be without the belief that you could have done better. Because it’s possible that what you’re thinking NOW is imagination, too.

Without that thought?

Freedom, acceptance for this self that is beyond knowing. Peace far, far past all the stuff I think.

A great feeling of everything being exceptionally well and very strange and mysterious.

I turn the thought around: I could not have done any better. I did the best I possibly could.

How could that be truer?

I can find how that experience drew me into such suffering that the equal and opposite breaking-free became possible. I contemplated short lives, and noticed that every length of life you could ever imagine happens here on planet earth….from a few hours to over 100 years.

I don’t have three children to take care of, I can focus on two.

“Clinging creates the bricks and mortar with which we build a conceptual self.” ~ Michael Singer

I gave that entity a gift of very little agonizing and suffering, and a return to a place without bodies…somewhere I’ll be again one day.

My life has been filled with so much, this life has not been empty because another life “left” it.

“Every loss has to be a gain, unless the loss is being judged by a confused mind….The simple truth of it is that what happens is the best thing that can happen.” ~ Byron Katie

What is the gain, in your life?

Much love, Grace

April 23, 2014

What To Do About Annoying Interruptions

May 3rd: mini retreat in Seattle, 1:30-5:30 pm at Goldilocks Cottage. Mini retreats offer a power-packed in-depth investigation of a situation you find faulty in your life. You’ll look at what you are against and take it through the four questions. Everyone welcome. You can earn 4 CEUs if you’re a mental health professional.

Speaking of power-packed in-depth investigations…

The three Year of Inquiry (YOI) groups have been coming up with such juicy, brilliant concepts for questioning. Very universal (they all are, really).

But yesterday morning, we looked at a moment everyone in this world has probably experienced, with varying degrees of disturbance.

Your Peace. Interrupted.

By that other person entering the building, coming home early, yelling loudly, shouting in the crowd, calling you when you’re busy, stopping by unexpectedly, turning on the TV, asking you for something.

Kids, spouses, partners, friends, strangers.

Humans can interrupt you at any time, any moment!! It’s a mine field out there!! Escape for the hills!

The type of interruption we observed was the kind where someone is friendly, exuberant even (one YOI member was investigating her thoughts about a puppy), cute, interested in you, innocent….

…someone you love, who you care about and often spend time with.

Except not right now.

I’m BUSY!! JEEZ!!

Can’t you see I’m trying to “fill-in-the-blank”? (Write, read, meditate, answer emails, talk to someone else).

That little split second of a moment when you want to shut them down, annoyed, angry, wanting to un-do this disturbing moment.

But who would you be without the thought that you are truly disturbed?

Without the thought that having no choice in that moment is a bad thing?

“In most cases, you have no right to demand that this person live up to your expectations; someone else in your place would be exposed to this behavior and would experience no annoyance at all. Just contemplate this truth….How foolish of you to demand that someone else live up to standards and norms programmed into you.” ~ Anthony de Mello

This does not mean that you never speak up, never make requests. You may move yourself into more pleasant surroundings. There will be a most loving approach, all the way around.

Turning the thought around: My peace is not interrupted.

My peace is never interrupted.

Can you find where this could be truer?

“The Master’s power is like this. He lets all things come and go effortlessly, without desire. He never expects results; thus he is never disappointed. He is never disappointed; thus his spirit never grows old.” ~ Tao Te Ching #55

Don’t read this as a way you are not measuring up….simply notice, contemplate.

Can you let one tiny part of your resistance go? Even just a little teensy eensy bit may make a huge difference next time.

You never know.

Much love, Grace

April 22, 2014

Doing The Work On Yourself

A very sincere inquirer contacted me to renew a series of sessions doing The Work recently.

She’s done the School for The Work, she has deep appreciation for and experience in examining her mind using the four questions.

But she had a dilemma, something I’ve heard from others, not just this caring woman.

How do I do The Work on myself?

Because, she said, I “get” that the process of observing my world and feeling upset has to do with stressful thinking….

….but the stressful thoughts inside my mind are all about me, not others.

If you think this from time to time, (or all the time) you are certainly not alone.

“Most of us have been pointing our criticism and judgments at ourselves for years, and it hasn’t solved anything yet…..It is extremely difficult to judge yourself. Some of us are very invested in our identifications; our ideas about ourselves–how we should look, how we should feel, what we should or shouldn’t be doing–are so strong that we may not be able to answer the four questions and do the turnarounds honestly.” ~ Byron Katie

I always recommend finding incidents and people who you really feel hurt by, because noticing your thoughts about these situations and relaxing them, allowing them to be, even turning them around to the opposite, can be deeply empowering.

But if you use your answers to slap yourself and get meaner than ever….maybe doing The Work on what you think about the universe, your mind, your thoughts, or your feelings can be very enlightening.

Start by making a list about what you hate about yourself. Be specific, be clear.

Here’s what the inquirer I worked with today found:

I’ll never succeed
I can’t stop being anxious (and I should stop)
My sleep patterns are ridiculous, I can’t sleep at the right time
This depression goes on and on, without change
Where is God? Not here!
My situation is hopeless, I want to give up
I’m a burden to all the people who love me

Ouch, ouch, ouch.

Even one of these thoughts will make you crawl under the covers, or sob, or wish you were dead.

I remember feeling this way myself.

At the end of my rope. Totally defeated.

Let’s take a look at some of these thoughts (like I did with my client).

Is it true that this situation is completely and totally hopeless? Are you sure you’re a burden to everyone who encounters you? Can you be certain that you should stop being anxious, and that your depression has lasted too long?

Yes. Double yes.

Sigh.

Even if you know this to be absolutely true for you….notice how you react and what happens next for you, when you believe these kinds of thoughts.

I feel soooo tired. More depressed. Desperate, isolated, fragmented. Against my mind, thinking there is something wrong with me and my brain, and that life isn’t supposed to be this way.

Angry, imploded. In the past, I might want to drink a lot, smoke, or eat even when not hungry. I’d avoid other people. Very introverted.

So who would you be without these kinds of terrible, painful thoughts?

Without the thought that your situation is hopeless, who would you be?

Listening. Taking one step. Going outside. Stopping. Looking. Waiting until you’re moved to go where you go.

I turn the thoughts around:

I always succeed (the “I” that is eternal)
I can stop being anxious (and I shouldn’t stop until I do)
My sleep patterns are what they are, there is no right time or way to sleep (comparing is very stressful)
This depression does NOT go on without change
God is here
My situation is not hopeless, I don’t want to give up
I’m NOT a burden to all the people who love me, I’m a burden to myself

I can find the truth in all of these turnarounds….but here is one profound idea: YES, this is quite hopeless, but that is NOT a bad thing, it’s a good thing.

I know it’s weird.

The first time ever that I talked with Adya on a longer meditation retreat, I went up to the microphone. Not too shy to speak and ask a question. I was burning with curiosity.

I surprised myself by standing at the mic, and not being able to talk. Like the words got caught inside my throat, and stuck…and then tears welled up.

All I said at first, after some silence and trying to control my choking up was “I’ve tried everything….”

(Honestly, I now don’t believe that was even true, but it was good I believed that at the time, haha).

Adya said “Congratulations”.

Wait. What?

Oh.

Hopeless. Oh.

Nothing I can do. Nothing possible to do to get out of this situation, not really. Wow.

It does take some pressure off. You know?

“When you realize the truth, then you know that this truth is not fooling around. This truth wants you, and it wants your life, and it’s going to devour you and eat you up for dinner. The truth is not playing games.” ~ Adyashanti

When you feel like all the thoughts that plague you are about yourself, about your mind, your feelings, your way of thinking, your mood….then go for it. Be there.

You can call the Help Line at www.thework.com and receive facilitation on your thoughts.

If I could do this inquiry, so can you, so can you.

“Waking up is like dying. Dying to the past. Dying to the known. Dying to all your thoughts, ideas and beliefs. Dying to who and what you think you are. Dying to all hope of something better. Dying to everything. Letting go of every attempt to hold on. Losing everything that can be lost and discovering what remains.” ~ Joan Tollifson (joantollifson.com)

Much love, Grace