Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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Thank You, Critical People

I love what I’ve learned from Byron Katie about criticism.

I thought about it today when the Year of Inquiry group took a deep dive into investigating the belief “my dad shouldn’t have been so critical.”

Dang.

This thought has been one I’ve thought MANY times about people.

That rude, mean woman…she is so judgmental! That snobbish guy, he is so critical! My grandpa…he was so controlling! That boyfriend was so demanding, so condemning! That teacher was so belittling!

I love doing this exercise: write down the words that critical person said, or implied, and see what is so difficult about them.

For example.

There was a woman I worked on a project with quite some time ago. We were on a board together. She apparently had been talking about my behavior to another leader, without my knowing about it.

I had the thought she was super hyper critical and it wasn’t fair.

Years later, doing this exercise, I wrote down what I could remember her actually saying, and how her face looked, that frightened and angered me.

Here was the list: Grace makes mistakes, she’s not paying close attention, she’s not being a team player, she doesn’t volunteer for parts of the work we need to get done, she never copies me on emails, it doesn’t seem like she cares.

This person talked to me a whole lot. I would think to myself “I wish she’d stop talking” but I never said anything. It felt like she chattered away without taking a breath.

And then on top of all that running off of her mouth, she was criticizing me behind my back.

But I did this exercise, after questioning my thoughts about her being so critical. Why did I think of these things as critical? Why did her saying these things to me creating a feeling of defense or justification inside me?

Could these things be true?

Did I make mistakes? Yes. I flubbed up months and days and put in the wrong time on reports. I accidentally made computer data entry errors. I wasn’t paying close attention.

I also wasn’t a team player. I was sitting there thinking she was blabbing on all the time and never stepped in and tried to connect with her, I just wrote her off. I decided I didn’t like her. Not very teamish.

It was absolutely true that I didn’t volunteer for parts of the project that had to get done. I’d think when we went over the to-do list “ew, I’m not doing that drudgery thing, I want the good jobs”.

I was afraid I couldn’t even do some of the jobs, and never even asked for help. I felt intimidated.

And it was also totally true that I didn’t copy this woman on emails that she might have found interesting. I was fearful of her criticism, so I avoided letting her know what was going on.

I didn’t care enough to speak up, tell the truth, bare my soul, say how uncomfortable and unhappy I was in my relationship to her.

She was right.

Here’s the interesting thing that happened….

I did this work internally. I had very little contact with that person anymore, so it was all something I was doing at a quiet internal level, on my own.

I began to see benefits for her behavior. I saw how she was brave to speak up about me, even if it wasn’t to my face. I never spoke up to her face either, so she was one step more brave than me who kept it all inside. I saw how she was willing to tell her truth. I saw how much she valued connection and honesty.

Plus, after it all came out, and I learned she was talking about me and criticizing me, I snapped out of my passive insecure never-speaking-up behavior.

I pulled it together and started doing a really excellent job. I checked my work so I didn’t make stupid clerical mistakes that would mess people up later. I took more ownership. I connected. I got more honest.

I was still fuming half the time, but I also did The Work constantly, regularly, on this person….and I still did The Work later on this person when I didn’t see her anymore.

And one day, I ran into her and another person who had also worked on the same project.

This mean, critical, bitchy woman turned to the other person who had been connected to our project and said “Grace really did great things back then, she made fabulous contributions, she became really accomplished and made a big difference.”

I walked away thinking….

….wow.

Because I knew what she said, she meant.

She doesn’t make up fake nice stuff.

And I had to see the turnaround was more true. She wasn’t critical, she was appreciative, generous with her honesty.

She called me out to be bigger than I was being. She called me into being greater than I thought I could be.

Come to think of it, every single person who has ever criticized me has done that.

EVERY ONE.

“Criticism is an immense gift for those who are interested in self-realization. For those who aren’t, welcome to hell, welcome to being at war with your partner, your neighbors, your children, your boss. When you open your arms to criticism, you are your own direct path to freedom, because you can’t change us or what we think about you. You are your only way to stand with a friend as a friend, even when she perceives you as an enemy. And until you can be intimate with us however badly we think of you, your Work isn’t done.” ~ Byron Katie

 

Much Love,  Grace

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The Good In Darkness

One of the most astonishing lightbulbs that lit up for me on the inside when it came to self-inquiry was when I really *got* the idea of welcoming EVERYTHING in my life.

Not just good stuff. But bad stuff.

Especially the bad stuff.

In fact, the whole point of the re-orientation or this different new view is inviting the “bad” stuff.

Bring It On.

Wait. Seriously?

Yah. Doesn’t mean you have to be thrilled about it.

This is noticing how very difficult things, even acute suffering, have interesting teachings, surprise awareness, redirections that you never would have thought up all on your own, surrender that winds up being deeply liberating.

This is the goodness….or call it acceptance if “good” is a little too much for you….in darkness.

The gift of darkness.

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.” ~ Mary Oliver

Here’s where to start if you’re not so sure about this idea.

The Work.

Here is the thought. You really think it’s true:

“There is nothing good that came out of that horrible experience. When I got cancer, when I was involved with that jerk, when he left me, when she died, when she stabbed me in the back, when I made that awful decision.”

Is it true?

Pick only one troubling experience, not all of them at once. Just one.

Is it absolutely true that nothing, nothing, nothing good came from it?

No. (If you answered yes, keep going anyway).

How do you react when you believe nothing good came from that difficult time?

I spend a lot of energy making sure it never happens again. I’m afraid when I see the images of it repeating itself. I feel haunted. I’m anxious just walking around, when I remember it. I don’t sleep well. I can’t relax.

Take a deep breath. Pause a moment, with that memory that’s rough.

Now who would you be without the belief that absolutely nothing of benefit came from that experience?

I feel a possibility of relaxing. I might not relax all the way, instantly…but a peaceful pink colored light off in the distance, like the sunrise is over there.

I notice I’m breathing, alive. My heart beats. I have a pulse. I have a place to lie down. I have friends. The sky is shining. I maybe feel a thrill of interest inside, a ray of hope as they say.

Turning the thought around:

Something of great and profound benefit is coming out of that difficult experience.

What already has happened, that you could call a benefit? Even the tiniest thing?

Once you start, you may begin to find more, and more.

I had to make decisions for myself, completely independently, completely on my own….I took care of myself much better….I stopped worrying so much about perfect health all the time….I enjoyed time with friends….I became more honest and sincere and real….I discarded what wasn’t working in my life and asked for help….I felt power inside me that I never knew existed….I found love inside me at the deepest depths, no matter what was going on around me.

“The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance….

….What is to give light must endure burning.” ~ Viktor Frankl

Byron Katie says, if it’s a friendly universe, what is an example of the friendliness of your life, your experience, your reality even in those darker times?

This is not fakey-fake making up positive happy face stuff.

It’s being open to seeing if this could be true, and finding genuine examples of this, no matter how small.

Even if it’s hard.

You can do this.

If you are in the seat of being someone who really wants to take time in a small retreat of only ten people, this November…

…I have a very special opportunity for those in leadership, therapists, holistic practitioners, managers, those who might wrestle with darkness or others’ darkness whose intention is to find the friendliness, or the advantage, or the openness possible in dark experiences.

This is the Serenity Retreat: Using Darkness For Good.

I’ve mentioned it before, and now there are new logistics.

We will gather Tuesday, November 11th (an awesome power number day 11/11) through Thursday, November 13th. We will dive deeply into looking at prevailing darkness, what feels too hard…death, loss, illness, tragedy, fracture.

You’ll be surrounded in nurturing luxury. Breakfast, lunch, snacks and beverages are on me for all three days. You’ll only need to care for your own dinner two evenings, your choice, your time for self-care or connection with others. The venue is pure northwest elegance.

Our first evening together, we’ll have Cheri Huber (to be confirmed shortly), insightful meditation teacher and author of “There is Nothing Wrong With You”. She brings years of wisdom to difficult life events.

We’ll move with care and willingness through the inquiry process, the power of the small group holding our investigation steady when the mind would prefer distraction, escape.

We’ll stay.

Our second evening, November 12th, we’ll have the exceptional poet guide David Whyte with us.

All participants will leave with a new level of openness towards their darkest experience, their personal challenge, their greatest fear.

Everyone will have a road map of how to turn this experience around, how to live this openness to inviting in everything.

To feeling the upmost courage with anything that could happen.

We end in the afternoon of Thursday, November 13th at 3 pm to return to our families, clients, offices, communities, and roles as guides.

To apply, please click this link. You will be given detailed information about the cost and logistics. This is only a preliminary raised hand of your interest, you will not be obligated to attend or registered just yet.

Registration for this retreat Serenity: Using Darkness For Good will close on Monday, September 15th.

And even if this is not for you at this time…go within to that dark place and discover what is really true.

You may find a clearing, for a new delight.

THE GUEST HOUSE

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Jelaluddin Rumi

Much Love, Grace

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See It For Yourself

Sunday, September 28th 4-6 pm in Seattle at my cottage. Meetup!

Anyone is welcome.

It’s an introduction and walk right through self-inquiry using The Work of Byron Katie. You’ll get a taste of the process. $10 donation but if you’re between jobs and even that amount is tough….this is my service to you, and I’m honored to offer this work. I have handouts, bring a pen and journal or paper.

Then on October 4th, a Saturday afternoon 1:30-5:30, I’m offering a mini retreat where you can earn 4 CEUs if you’re a mental health practitioner. $70 for first-timers, $55 if you’re repeating the afternoon. You’ll do The Work yourself, and also learn to facilitate someone else through it too.

For either one, just write and say “yes” and I’ll get you signed up and send you a link to make your payment (or you can bring it the day you come).

You know, speaking of mini retreats or meetups, it’s kind of weird offering something as profound and life-changing as self-inquiry has been for me…..in only a few hours.

Sometimes sitting together with eager individuals to do The Work feels like I’m offering something a little absurd like “come find out how to have a deep relaxation towards life, accept yourself, and accept all those people you’ve ever known…in two hours.”

Really? I mean, who could “get” something like that in two hours?!

I didn’t, that’s for sure.

And then, I realize….I’m having a slightly stressful thought.

I want people to understand, to find this practice helpful, to dissolve their pain, to feel the love and joy of life.

I want them to feel as completely and deeply trusting of reality, even if difficult and rough things happen (especially when those painful, rough, horrible things happen).

I don’t have answers for anyone.

But I feel a thrill of excitement about being alive and being here that is nothing like the dread, fear and depression I once had. I would love if everyone got to experience this!

My current husband says he’s not too sure he would have been attracted to me when I was younger.

Ha ha! I wasn’t attracted to me! So of course not!

I think these kinds of thoughts: “I want everyone on the planet, everyone I touch, to feel loved, hopeful, accepted. I want everyone to feel liberated from their torment, their sadness at the events that have happened in their lives, their worry about the future.”

Well, that’s really sweet and nice….(and actually genuine)….

….but if right on the heels of that sentiment is an urge to help, like an ache, or a wanting inside for someone to be happy….then uh oh.

Better check in with The Work.

I would love it if everyone could find peace, feel loved, be happy, calm down, relax, wake up, find freedom….is it true?

Well. Yeah! Of course I want that!

Are you sure they aren’t peaceful, though? Even those grumpy, mean people? Even those addicts? Even those who have experienced terrible misfortune? Even the people who committed suicide?

Yes. They aren’t!

I think it could have gone better for them. I really do. I’m sad when I think about their lives being so disrupted, and containing so much suffering.

It’s true.

How do you react when you believe, though, that it really would be better if those people found peace….like, now?

Hmmm.

It’s a bit off the Totally Letting Go energy.

It’s got an urge to it, a big *hope*. Like there’s a better way.

I once had a friend who thought breath-work and dancing every day was the end-all be-all and everyone should do those two things and all the people who didn’t do those two things were unhappy losers.

I once was on an airplane with a couple who wanted me to join their religion and prayed for me, with me sitting right there. They were so well-intentioned, it was really very sweet.

And, it wasn’t my thing.

Who would you be without the belief that you need to find peace? Or that anyone else does either? Or that you know anything about what’s helpful for someone else?

Wow, crazy.

Different.

I pause.

Without the belief….I just go about my business.

It’s hilarious, really.

I notice I still offer meetups, and mini retreats, and workshops, and Year of Inquiry, and couples counseling, and solo sessions, and teleclasses.

Part of me looks at all that and thinks “what on earth is she doing?”

It is soooo funny!

And soooo fun!

Without the belief that anyone needs any of what I’m offering in the least, I notice I enjoy everyone more and more and more.

People come and go and stay or leave.

That’s the way of it in every moment, all day long. Activity happening. Movement of life, going here, coming there, active, pulsing.

I could just as easily be cleaning houses or waiting tables or acting on stage or going to an office building every day….all completely fascinating options.

Turning the thought around: I would love it if I could find peace, feel loved, be happy, calm down, relax, wake up, find freedom. 

It is irrelevant if anyone else “finds” these things.

And peace, love, happiness, calm, relaxation, awakeness and freedom are already here, available to me, right now.

Even in the darkest, most terrible, threatening moments.

I know that’s weird to say. It’s not diminishing your very great difficulties.

Only that life is this. All these things. And different “answers” and ideas and orientations and learnings.

Nothing is The Answer.

“Your outer journey may contain a million steps; your inner journey only has one: the step you are taking right now.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Whatever way you’ve gone and whatever way you’re going, you can stop right in this moment that you’re reading these words and see if the difficult thing you’re believing is actually true.

Your way.

“Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.” ~ Morpheus

Much Love,  Grace

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Take A Break From The Self-Critical Bull

Do you ever put yourself down?

Oh man.

In the past, I’ve easily heard come right out of my mouth little phrases said under my breath TO myself, like “you idiot, what the hell were you thinking?” or “come on, pull it together, it’s not that big a deal” or “what the f*&% is wrong with you?”

It’s no secret that we’re sometimes super crazy harsh with ourselves.

My harsh voice used to be really vicious.

Geneen Roth, one of my favorite authors and teachers of inner freedom from the turmoil of eating troubles, calls it The Voice.

Or maybe it was her friend (who I also adore) Annie Lamott, who is also a writer.

Annie once said that The Voice was like KFCK radio station.

Turned on, it spouts obscenities, mean phrases, attacks, sarcasm and criticism, all directed at YOU, that no friend who ever cared about you would EVER say.

Many people who come to work with me say they really don’t think that many mean things about other people….

….it’s this KFCK radio station that’s the worst, and they want to do The Work on themselves instead of others.

The weird thing is….over time, I began to understand why Byron Katie suggests not doing The Work on yourself and your thoughts about who you are….

….but instead, to just point your finger outward and rip someone else to shreds.

It’s because when you look at yourself, your observations and perceptions are so completely insane, it’s often hard to find clarity or to perceive what the truth actually is for you.

You are in the soup, with yourself, and you can’t really ask your own mind easily to find a genuinely neutral, open-minded answerer.

Sometimes, when you’re tempted do The Work on yourself, you have a big motive.

You’re hoping you’ll CHANGE.

If you hope someone changes when you do The Work, INCLUDING YOU, then you’re setting yourself up for big fat disappointment.

I know it’s kind of counter-intuitive….to actually investigate a belief system or way of looking at something inside you (or others) without a secret wish that they will change.

Why do The Work?! I mean seriously! You mean I just have to ACCEPT EVERYTHING?!

All those nasty and imperfect qualities?!

Impossible! NEVER! I will fight for improvement of the person who I am until the day I die!

But what if you dropped the thought that you are missing something, you need to change, you KNOW that the quality you’re objecting to is bad and needs to be eliminated?

I love telling people about a conversation I had with Byron Katie once.

I said I did The Work over and over again, on the same few people, and I was still really freakin’ angry!

She replied “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? YOU ARE!”

Oh! Huh.

Then it dawned on me how much I tried to be a never-angry person.

No wonder I used to eat food and throw up sometimes long ago, or run five miles super hard, or work overtime. My anger was getting trapped in an inner explosion in my stomach.

It didn’t mean it was time for me to start yelling at everyone else, instead of yelling at myself….that doesn’t feel good either (and I already did that, anyway, on the inside).

But just acknowledging the quality I disliked, and seeing how human I was, what a relief! I started to have an attitude of being open to how much it benefitted me to experience the quality of anger….or any other objectional quality, for that matter.

Anger was powerful, zesty, fervent, intense, passionate, exciting!

Who would you be without the belief that you should change?

It’s a seriously new thought for some people. They may have had the thought they should change since age three.

“As my mother used to say, “You’re like a bull in a china shop.” Did you ever hear that? If you let your mind imagine a bull getting loose in a china shop, that’s how the me is. It’s knocking things over, things like the most precious china. With a whisk of its tail, there goes . . . grandma’s four-generation-old antique china cups! Boom-they’re gone. When your me is operating, it’s like that bull. It tends to make a lot of noise because it’s always in a slightly adversarial relationship with its moment. It produces noisy thoughts, feelings, beliefs, or opinions. It also likes to search, moving its head around, scanning for the right emotion in the body, scanning through the mind for the right concept…Inside, there is something that is not creating nearly as much noise as the me. This something else, this openness, this awakeness, is not searching for the next moment or scanning for the right emotion or experience. You can get the sense of it now.” ~ Adyashanti

Right now. No scanning for what’s wrong. No criticism.

Just wait, and feel it.

If that feels hard to do, don’t worry. Even that is OK.

Much Love,  Grace

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Those Troubling Relationships Were Perfect For You

This past week the Year of Inquiry participants started in our very first month together as we gather for twelve months on the phone to do inquiry.
We have a different topic every month, all year.
What’s the first topic we address?
Why, Family of Origin of course. The original foundational experiences that seem to have shaped us.
[Cut to The Sound of Music. Maria is playing her guitar and singing“we start at the very beginning, it’s the very best place to start…”]
Family of Origin was called FOO in my Behavioral Science graduate school program. I love calling it FOO.
It reminds me of taking something with greater levity, in fact really goofy….like saying Fooey! Foo Boo! Foo Poo!
But I know, it doesn’t always seem so light. Even if the memories run way back, and seem like they happened a long, long time ago.
These are the people who influenced us strongly. These people we’ve spent a lot of time with when we were kids, or perhaps we’ve longed for their presence in our lives. We’ve felt like something was missing, or wrong, or terrible, when it comes to them.
Maybe we just had one big run-in with that person, and we still remember the incident sharply, and the jab we felt in our gut at the time.
People mostly picked “mom” or “dad” to do The Work on, but this is not required. Siblings, grandparents, neighbors, cousins, teachers.
One inquirer had a very difficult experience with a doctor she saw when she was a teenager.
The great thing about this approach to self-inquiry, is that YOUR life, and even your mind, right now, as it remembers your life, is guiding you in the most perfect way possible to your freedom.
I love the way that happens.
That person who stimulated irritation, sadness, fear, anxiety, hatred, nervousness or grief inside you….that’s the person to start with.
“Your daughter is the perfect daughter for you, because she’s going to bring up every un-investigated concept you have until you get a clue about reality. That’s her job. Everything has its job. This candle’s job is to burn, this rose’s job is to blossom, your daughter’s job is to use drugs, my job is to drink my tea right now. And when you understand, she’ll follow you, she’ll understand. It’s a law, because she’s your projection. When you move into the polarity of truth, so will she. Hell here, hell there. Peace here, peace there.” ~ Byron Katie
 
Those FOO are the perfect FOO for me. This doesn’t mean I do a number on myself and switch to believing it’s all my fault and I’m the one who had the wrong view…..not at all. The projection is innocent.
I grew into believing concepts, without investigating, in the presence of these people.
Now, I get to question my thinking, and notice I have the most amazing, beautiful sisters I could ever dream of–all so powerful, so brilliant, so unique. I have a mother who is kind, loving, independent, a huge contributor to the city we live in. I have a father, grandparents, and extended family in every direction who are the most intriguing, fascinating, wonderful people (even though they’ve all passed away).
Each person a curious facet of the puzzle of unraveling a belief-system, so the world is getting bigger and bigger.
If you’d like to take a look at important relationships in your life, long past or currently present (you get to choose who) come join the 8 week class that starts Mondays, Sept 22nd – November 10th. We meet from 9-10:30 am Pacific Time.
Click HERE to register.
“There is no greater illusion than fear, no greater wrong than preparing to defend yourself, no greater misfortune than having an enemy.” ~ Tao Te Ching #46
 
Much Love, 

Grace

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Help! I Have Too Much To Do!

I have too much to do!

Have you ever had this thought, and felt extreme stress about it?

Like this urgent, inward implosion, fist-clenching.

For me…this thought popped up this morning as I noticed 76 emails in my Inbox (after being away for the weekend and only checking a few times) PLUS the ongoing urge to make my website more classy PLUS the major project underway to roll out the newest version of Eating Peace after receiving vital and fantastic feedback from people who took the 8 week class 8 months ago.

(How long does it have to take? What is the hold up here?! Jeezus!)

And there’s the book-writing project, organizing the Year of Inquiry retreat in only 12 days, signing up for yoga, figuring out what bookshelves to purchase for my cottage, getting my kid’s retainer replaced, and trying to make dates with friends even if its talking with them on the phone!

Sometimes, the list seems sooooo overwhelming!

Not enough time! I should be getting things done!

Yowser!

It’s true! It’s true! It’s true! It’s true!

Take a deep breath.

How do I react when I believe I have tons to do, not enough time, and I should be more productive?

Either an inner revving, like putting the gas pedal down all the way to the floor while the gears are in “park” (it’s very loud, and you go nowhere)….

….OR I start in on the list with a sense of emergency, like I have to keep my nose to the grindstone and get as much as possible done and hope for the best….

….OR I decide I need a break, dammit, and I crash. Maybe go to a movie or watch Breaking Bad on Netflix (which I can hardly let myself do, to be honest, even though I LOVE that the main character has terminal cancer and limited time to make $750,000K).

There has to be a balance somewhere.

But, where?

Oh. I almost forgot. That’s right.

It’s in imagining who I would be without the belief that I have to get stuff done ASAP, there’s not much time, I have a huge to-do list, I need to get that goal achieved come hell or high water.

If I were simply here, in this moment now, writing.

Yes, I would still know all that cool stuff I have that I want to do.

That excellent new class for me designing my own website, making handouts for the retreat and putting the exercises I have planned in the perfect order, arranging for renting a bike when I’m in Scottsdale next month.

I might also calmly make a list of all I’d like to accomplish, and map out the time I’m devoting to these things, so I can actually see what I’m doing throughout the day.

Suddenly, I remember the resistance I had thirty years ago to keeping an eating journal.

I’ve told you about that before. Oh the pain.

Every week I’d go into my therapist’s office and she’d say “Did you buy a journal to write down your thoughts about food in yet…the binge journal?”

At first, I hadn’t even remembered it all week. Not one single time. She’d have to mention it every week for awhile.

You couldn’t miss the point that there was something inside me against looking at what was going on.

Finally I went to a stationary store.

I found a gorgeous, leather bound, red journal with a blank cover. Smaller than a full-sized piece of paper, thin enough to slip into my backpack or purse.

I left it sitting by my bedside for a few more weeks, empty.

And then one day, I stuffed my face with food in a frenzy during an afternoon when I was supposed to be writing a paper for a college class. None of my housemates were home. I had been eating tiny amounts of their food, stealing a little enough so they hopefully wouldn’t notice. I had then gone to the store to succumb to buying a whole half gallon of ice cream, a loaf of bread and a box of butter, plus anything else I could find that sounded good.

After it was all over and I was incredibly sick to my stomach and almost crying with remorse, I saw that red journal sitting on my bedside.

I opened it and started writing.

What was I afraid of, before binge eating? What was REALLY bothering me? Where was my anxiety born? Was this all really my fault? Did the eating help?

Who would I be without those thoughts that I’m a failure if I don’t achieve this, if I don’t do “well”, if I don’t succeed, if the final bell goes off before I get the ball in the basket?

Without the belief that I have to go fast, or lose? Without the belief that I have to push myself as hard and as fast and as intensely as humanly possible, or else?

I’d notice, without those beliefs, the green leaves waving back and forth in the distance outside the french doors of my cottage. I’d hear the silent hum of the fridge over in the kitchen. I’d see the pretty blue clock telling time, without any judgment about the rightness or wrongness of what time it actually appears to be in this moment.

I’d feel a surge of joy.

Back in college and in therapy, so long ago, I might have noticed in that moment, writing a paper, the kitchen I sat in at that time, the sky outside the window, the air I was breathing in the room, the mind working, expressing.

I might have closed my eyes for a moment, gone outside for a walk, called a friend, read a poem, taken a bath.

“Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone.” ~ Lin Yutang

“Live out of your imagination, not your history.”~ Stephen Covey

Turning the thoughts around:

I should not be getting anything done. I should be getting absolutely nothing done. Nothing is ever really done. There may not even be an “I” who is determined to “get” it done.

I feel excited, thrilled even.

Imagining all the people, no matter what the number, who I can help by finishing the Eating Peace course. The joy at having bookshelves in my bedroom instead of stacking piles of books on the floor. The fun of completing that book proposal.

“You can’t outsmart reality. Where you are right now might be the safest place in the world. We just don’t know.” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace

P.S. Relationship Teleclass filling, and Seattle in-person 4 hour mini retreat on 10/4. Come join me for glorious inquiry!

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Advantages of Visiting The Strange and Dangerous

We had been driving for hours. A family vacation road trip.  

“Only 3 more miles!” I said.

As we entered the national park I wondered how long until we actually see the famous lake. Because of me we’ve taken a 3 hour detour to our destination later today just to see this lake, which I can barely remember from my childhood. I know I was here when I was about ten, with my parents and sisters.

We’re now driving on a quiet two lane road, we’ve gained lots of elevation. Up ahead, we see a few cars parked along a very short stone wall.

“I’m just going to stop right up there, then we can look on the map and see how far to the best viewpoint or hike”.

I turn off the road.

We all gasp.

Suddenly before us is the gigantic, indescribable, brilliant blue Crater Lake. We leap out and stand, awestruck.

My kids, ages 17 and 20, are also stunned.

My son says it looks like a mystical other-planet, like something out of a movie.

He hops over the stone wall, walking towards the edge of the massive cliff. My daughter follows, even stumbling a little over as she hops the wall. My husband goes too, right past the sign that says “CAUTION” with a picture of someone falling off a cliff.

“Get back over here!” I say to them all “Didn’t you see the sign?”

My heart is beating and I’m a little shaky.

“It’s fine, mom, jeez!”

“No, I really want you to get back over here behind the wall, that’s why the wall is here.”

My son is now actually climbing up a small rock formation off to the edge that has a very small tree gripping its roots into the boulders.

The drop-off is sheer from that tree, hundreds and hundreds of feet. We are at a very high vista where we can see the entire lake stretching out before us. This lake sits in the top of a volcano that blew up about 8000 years ago.

I am picturing my daughter following my son, she is headed that way. My husband is too.

“Do NOT climb up there please, you’re freaking me out!”

We all laugh, I even say I seem to be having a weird physical reaction, my stomach almost feels sick. Oh yes, that thing where I’m a bit afraid of heights. I almost forgot.

“I really either can’t look or I want you to come back”.

My daughter comes back, climbs back over the wall and exclaims “Mom, wow, you are sooo scared”! She gives me a hug. I laugh, but still feeling the adrenaline in my stomach.

The thing is, even while this is all happening, something is watching it all, observing.

Lake, Sky, Cliffs, Son, Daughter, Husband, Wall, Moonscape, Chipmunk, Wind, Stomach, Blue.

This body is reacting, but inside (or entirely outside) knows all is well, nothing to fear.

But let’s look, to help out that frightened voice, the one that imagines the worst….someone falling to their death. When my kids were younger, I might have shouted in anger for them to stay next to me if they started climbing over walls.

A terrible deadly fall could happen.

Is it true?

Of course it’s true! Haven’t you ever heard of gravity and people falling before? It happens all the time on this planet!

Are you sure?

Yes. It COULD happen. It’s happened before, it’s happening somewhere right now. People are falling. It could happen again.

Although, now that I think about it, no one is falling right now in my perception. Only the possibility of falling is happening.

My reaction to “they could fall” is wild. Pure fear.

The most vivid picture is the moment they lose their balance. They are there, then gone. No way of finding out if they are OK. Images of them crumpled far, far below so far away you can hardly see their bodies.

An intense feeling of reaching out and pulling back towards me, towards solid ground.

I pause….looking at this strange and wild scene.

Who would I be without that belief, without the fear of falling, without the fear of heights, without the fear of loved ones vanishing into thin air?

Laughing.

Astonished at the craziness of landscape on this planet, the wonder of the earth which is so bizarre and full of unusual visions, like this one.

Realizing that I am categorizing this as an unusual vision, and sitting at home on my couch as a normal vision. Either one could be just as weird, if it was unfamiliar.

A bird from this lake area, for example, would be terrified in my house.

If I had no reference for falling, for thinking I KNOW what’s a bad or good outcome (falling, bad…nothing unexpected, good)….

….I’d be almost tearful with how weird and exciting it all is.

Here, now. Perceiving an incredible expansive landscape. Totally in love with my family, noticing I love them being alive in these bodies for the moment, all together.

Knowing there will be a moment when none of us have these bodies anymore. And apparently in this moment none of the bodies are disappearing over a cliff.

Without the belief that falling could happen and it would be horrible, without needing this fear to go away, I realize this gasp, this heightened energy, is awareness of infinite space, strange and unusual and new vistas, uncertainty.

I myself feel like I’m on the edge of the world.

It doesn’t matter if other bodies, that happen to be my family, are going closer to the edge. They are happy, comfortable, playful, exploring.

“No matter how far astray or deluded you become, you can never get a single step away from the Infinite’s embrace. If you could all at once stop believing your dreaming mind and be completely still right in the midst of your present state, the Infinite would effortlessly present itself.” ~ Adyashanti

We get back into the car, continue a short way along the road, and stop again. We climb a switchback trail up the side of a peak, and then climb up into a lookout tower built long ago.

I’m still aware of the edge. One part of me still wants to tell my kids to keep back.

But another imagines flying over this incredible land, flying into outer space, flying into unknown worlds. Maybe that’s what it would be like to fall off the cliff from a human body, who knows.

What I notice is that right in that moment, no one is falling….

….except me, falling in love with wild open unknown space.

Isn’t that what I’ve always wanted?

Much Love, Grace

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Giving Up Being Stuck in Dreams, Photo Albums and Pictures

The other night I had a fascinating dream.

Do you remember your dreams? Some people remember them all, some remember none of them, some remember only from time to time, some have the same dream over and over again.

Dreams are quite intriguing. I used to write a lot of them down, they would pour out of me like a short novel. I had to do it upon waking since the memory and images would fade away, disappearing into the fog, unless I got them quick on paper.

In my dream, I was entering a large convention center. It was sparkling clean, the sun was magnificently bright like California, the stairs going up and in were white, the building was white stone, elegant.

Other people were also entering the building, and the cool, smooth marble hotel lobby. The sound of voices and excited talking, murmuring, conversations was everywhere.

As I entered the main convention room, whomever was on the stage was in the far distance. There was already a large crowd in the audience, with only a few rows of chairs available at the back of the room.

I suddenly realized, in the dream, that this was the first time The School for The Work was being led by someone other than Byron Katie.

I woke up thinking about time passing, life unfolding, and how powerful that we imagine all comings and goings, past and future, the absolutely stunning change occurring constantly, in every day that goes by.
Many of us keep photo albums. A picture is taken, and saved. When we look at old photos of times gone past, it can evoke many other images, memories, thoughts, feelings.
The thing is, we don’t need to look at a scrapbook or photo album to recall places, relationships, or to recognize how something once was and how different it is now.
I once had a really close friend who did The Work with me a lot. We facilitated each other through the four questions.
One day we decided to start doing The Work on loss. We started with easier stuff than people.
My friend asked me what I was most afraid of losing? I thought and thought. My house? My precious bracelet? My computer?
I asked her what she was most afraid of losing. She said her photo album. Especially of her kid growing up.
Inside, I was like “seriously?”
But as I thought about it, I realized I had sometimes avoided looking at pictures of the past, or the future, because it made me SAD!
“I want everything to be like it was before, I don’t want it to change, I want people to stay alive, I want my kids to be little again.”

Who would you be without those thoughts? Without thinking, as you become keenly aware of change, that it’s sad, or hard, or difficult, or that you wish for those other days?

I would look at the pictures and feel the sweetest joy in remembering that time. I would feel the feelings come and go, relaxing, knowing these are just images, and no longer exist.

This is true about photos I’m actually holding in my hand, looking at, or dreams I have about the future.

“Life without a reason, a purpose, a position… the mind is frightened of this because then ‘my life’ is over with, and life lives itself and moves from itself in a totally different dimension. This way of living is just life moving. That’s all….This awareness and life are one thing, one movement, one happening, in this moment — unfolding without reason, without goal, without direction.The only thing that makes it difficult to find that state and remain in that state is people wanting to retain their position in space and time. “I want to know where I’m going. I want to know if I’ve arrived. I want to know who to love and hate. I want to know. I don’t really want to be; I want to know. Isn’t enlightenment the ultimate state of knowing?” No. It’s the ultimate state of being. The price is knowing.” ~ Adyashanti

When I give up knowing what these pictures really mean, whether real pictures in a photo album or dream pictures in my head, I just BE.

I’m sitting, being with these images, feeling stillness inside.

Noticing how strange and wonderful life is, how it changes, sometimes wildly, dramatically, people and places coming and going.

“Colors blind the eye. Sounds deafen the ear. Flavors numb the taste. Thoughts weaken the mind. Desires wither the heart. The Master observes the world but trusts his inner vision. He allows things to come and go. His heart is open as the sky.” ~ Tao Te Ching #12

A picture enters the mind (something 1000 times a day, right?) and you can trust it to come and go.

“I want everything to change and move, I want people to live and die, I want my kids to live and die, I want everything to happen the way it happens, then and now and later.”

Wow. That’s can be a startling turnaround.

But how amazing to feel the freedom of a heart as open as the sky.

Much Love, 

Grace

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Yes? No? Maybe? Finding Freedom From Gut-Wrenching Indecision

Oooh boy, when it comes to making decisions, sometimes it produces a lot of stress inside.

What should I do?! Which should I pick?! What if I regret it?!

This past week I’ve talked with not one, not two, not three, but FOUR wonderful inquirers on this topic of making a decision….

….and how much it hurts.

The pressure, the worry, the fear.

Inquirers I spoke with either had a decision they just made that was painful, or an impending deadline with a big decision looming, or the hand-wringing decision where the list of pros and cons seems about the same, so you can’t decide.

But before I say more about inquiry and decisions….some of you have asked about upcoming teleclasses.

I’ll be offering my powerful 8 week Relationship Hell to Heaven teleclass starting Monday, Sept. 22 at 9-10:30 am Pacific time.

Any relationship will work as your starting point.

Anyone you’ve argued with or felt disturbed by. We start from the beginning to look deeply at that person, those conditions, those situations…and understand what really bothers us, what’s true and what’s false.

More on this later, but if you want to register, you can click the button at the end of the email. If you have questions, hit reply and I’ll answer.

So back to the decision drawing board….

….Ha ha, isn’t what I just did just like making decisions sometimes?

You start contemplating a problem, a dilemma, or a choice, and you begin to sort out a few ideas about each. You research and collect some information. You’ve got an idea in mind, why you’re even thinking about all this in the first place.

And then, you switch the subject.

Whatevah, I can’t make a decision right now…I’ll wait and see.

It doesn’t come easily. Your mind gets tired. You ask your friends and family to all listen to your dilemma and put in a vote.

A friend once told me about how she had so much trouble making decisions at one point in her life, that if she was presented with two options for events in one night, she’d get sick to her stomach.

She would start driving to one, change her mind and turn the car around to head to the other, then turn the car around again to head back to the first.

She wanted to be in both places at once.

This might seem minor, but the anxiety can be monumental.

The first thing to do is to see what your mind is telling you about this decision. It may not be very friendly.

  • If I don’t say yes, I’ll miss a huge opportunity
  • If I don’t say yes, I’ll have nothing
  • If I don’t choose the right thing, something terrible will happen
  • I have to make the right decision
  • It’s possible to make the wrong decision
  • I could ruin my life or someone else’s life if I make this decision
  • What I say “no” to, I will lose forever
The dilemmas I heard about this week were big. Whether or not to have a baby, deciding between two schools for a child, what to do with a beloved pet, whether or not to enroll in a program.

I just about exploded my own head with important decisions: what to major in at school, should I go to graduate school, should I get married, buy that house or this house, offer this program, quit my part time job, get a job over there, homeschool my kids…

I think I drove my friends seriously crazy with that decision about homeschooling kids! (More on that one in a past Grace Note).

So let’s look at these core thoughts about decisions, and what the REAL fear is.

Is it true that you have to say yes, or lose something? Are you sure YOU *have* to make the right decision? Are you positive that if it goes bad later on, it will be because of YOUR decision? Are you sure you couldn’t handle a little disappointment, or new information, down the line in the future?

Well….no. Since you put it that way.

I have no idea what will happen tomorrow. Or next week. Or after I decide. Life will carry on, until it doesn’t.

How do you react when you think you’re in charge? When you think it’s all on you, your the one who has to make it happen? When your actions have to be right, not wrong, and your future MUST be favorable?

Yikes! So much banking on this future, so much fear of feeling bad later on and trying to avoid feeling bad or feeling regret or feeling like I lost something!

Who would you be without that belief, if you couldn’t think the thoughts that you need to make the right choice, it HAS to be good, you can’t make a mistake, you might hurt someone or yourself, you have to be very careful?

Woah.

Ha ha. Not so serious.

“You can sit there and think, ‘Oh, I need to do something with my stocks’, and then you can inquire. Is It True? No, I can’t really know that…..So you just let the process have you. You just sit there with what your passion is, and read, and watch the Internet and let it educate you. And the decision will come from that, at the perfect time. It’s a beautiful thing. You’ll lose money because of that decision, or you’ll make money. As it should be. But when you think you’re supposed to do something with your stocks and imagine that you’re the doer, that’s pure delusion. Just follow your passion. Do what you love, inquire, and have a happy life while you’re doing it.” ~ Byron Katie

Turning the thoughts around:

  • If I say yes, I’ll miss a huge opportunity….if I say yes OR no, I’ll always have opportunity, as long as I’m alive
  • If I say yes, I’ll have nothing….I love nothing, space, emptiness
  • There is no right or wrong thing, and something wonderful will happen….it always does
  • I do not have to make the right decision…there is no right or wrong decision, I can work with whatever happens
  • It’s impossible to make the wrong decision
  • I could save, create, build, expand my life or someone else’s life if I make this decision
  • What I say “no” to, I will gain forever

Couldn’t these thoughts be just as true, or truer about making decisions?

And I love what one fabulous inquirer found just yesterday in playing with the turnarounds all the way:

“A right decision has to un-make me.”

Giggling! So true!

All my effort, anxiety, pushing, poking, weighing-in, analyzing….

….all of it assisting the un-doing of “me” as the boss of the future, when it comes to decisions.

“In the pursuit of knowledge, every day something is added. In the practice of the Tao, every day something is dropped. Less and less do you need to force things, until finally you arrive at non-action. When nothing is done, nothing is left undone. True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way. It can’t be gained by interfering.” ~ Tao Te Ching #48

And here’s the link if you want to sign up for Relationship Hell to Heaven, 8 weeks of doing The Work on People. Freedom!

Click here to read all about it, and register.

Much Love, Grace

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Feedback Anxiety Days

I have an exciting new project starting in the near future…a Podcast!

I hope it’ll be super helpful for continuing to offer you (and me) inspiration in questioning your troubled thinking and seeing what unexpected fun, relief, and freedom can appear in your life.

Click Here to answer two brief questions about it…the first one being: what should the title of the podcast be? You get to choose between two, or offer me a suggestion. It’ll only take two seconds, so click here to give me your feedback. It will really help me out.

Speaking of feedback…what an interesting area of investigation for our relationships with others.

Someone gives us feedback, we like it or we don’t like it. We give someone feedback, they like it, or not so much.

And then…we might have a few thoughts about those people who either gave us feedback or who we gave feedback to, and what it means.

That rotten jerk, how dare he say such a thing to me, I will never talk to him again! That beeoch, she’s so defensive, I was just trying to tell her to chill out! Those dorks, they don’t know what they’re talking about when they say I screwed up! These ding bats, they never change, even when I give them good suggestions!

This week in the Our Wonderful Sexuality teleclass, a fabulous inquirer had this thought to bring to questioning: “I want my partner to prioritize my feedback!”

Yeah! You got that right!

People should listen to what I want, hear what I’m suggesting, understand my ideas, take my comments into consideration!

Or what about if you’re on the reverse side of the feedback, where you’re the receiver?

People should stop being so picky, stop trying to control the situation, be more flexible, not have so many opinions, quit competing with me!

The stress appears all in that moment, so speedy it’s faster than greased lightening. FEAR!

Whether you’ve given feedback that appears to be ignored or criticized, or received feedback you don’t like….some of the same core beliefs come alive.

And they can cause a lot of pain on the inside.

I’m kicked out. They don’t like me. I’m not important. I did it wrong. No one cares about me.

Let’s take a look.

Hold that situation in your mind, where feedback went BAD.

Either you gave it or received it, and it hurt.

In that situation, is it true that you did something wrong, you’re out, you’re not likable or important, or that those people don’t care about you?

Yes. They said mean things. They withdrew. I feel guilty. I should have never….they should never….

Are you positively sure these things are true, that the way the feedback was given or received was overall BAD BAD?

No.

I don’t know everything going on in that other person’s mind. They are allowed their own opinion. They have it anyway, I notice.

How do you react when you believe this feedback exchange means YOU are outta line, you messed up?

Oh man.

Sick to my stomach, enraged, ready to go on a rant, or hit something! Ready to QUIT!

Fine! If that’s the way you react to me speaking up then good riddance! If that’s what you think of me, then good riddance!

(March off, slam door. Write email, hit send).

So who would you be without the belief that this news, this feedback, means you are unlovable, wrong, or uncared for, stupid, or unimportant?

“If a criticism hurts you, that means you’re defending against it. Your body will let you know very clearly when you’re feeling hurt or defensive. If you don’t pay attention, the feeling rises and becomes anger and attack, in the form of defense and justification. It’s not right or wrong, it just isn’t intelligent. War isn’t intelligent……After you’ve done inquiry for a while, you can listen to any criticism without defense or justification, openly, delightedly. It’s the end of trying to control what can’t ever be controlled: other people’s perception.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the belief that I am hurt in this feedback thing that’s happened….WOW.

I actually want to know more.

If they don’t like my feedback, I want to hear more about their thoughts, their feelings, what’s going on inside.

If I’ve gotten their feedback, I hear it and nod and allow it to enter me, instead of pushing it away.

And a most remarkable thing happens.

Closeness. Intimacy. Maybe tears, questions asked, concerns spoken out loud. Contact.

I turn the thoughts around:

I’m invited in. They like me. I’m important. I did it right. Everyone cares about me. 

I notice now that the people I’ve had greatest conflict with, what we’d call (to put it mildly) negative feedback…have been the most important, dynamic, powerful teachers in my life.

“Every time you find yourself irritated or angry with someone, the one to look at is not that person but yourself….Search for this person’s defects in your own heart and in your unconscious mind, and your annoyance will turn to gratitude that his or her behavior has led you to self-discovery.” ~ Anthony De Mello

OK, so when I’m afraid I’m not loved and given uncomfortable feedback, or they ignore or react to mine….I can look inside myself.

Oh. It’s pretty vast in here. Right?

It’s expansive, open, patient, unattached, spacious, gracious, full of humor.

I thought it was them….then I thought it was me….but then I realized it’s no one.

Ha ha!

Bring on the feedback!

Much Love,  Grace