Grace, Author at Question with Grace

November 22, 2014

Winding Up As The Artist Called You

Yesterday I got to work with a lovely inquirer who speaks for many of us when we’re anticipating something in the future….

….and we feel *NERVOUS*!

It’s not the type of thing we’re gonna cancel.

Oh no indeed, we’re excited about what’s about to happen….

….it’s a party, a speech we’re giving, we’re going to be on stage, we’re attending a conference, we’re taking a big exam, we’re asking someone for something important to us like a date or sex or moving in or moving out, we’re taking a trip, we’re attending a class, we’re starting a degree program.

My client was about to be the solo star in a big classical concert on stage.

The thoughts creating stress and anxiety begin to get louder, the closer the time comes to the event.

Let’s inquire….

What are your troubling thoughts? What’s the worst that could happen?

They need to like it, I want support, I want to make a difference, I should be effective, I want them to love me, I want him to be attracted to me, I want her to comfort me, I must succeed, I must win, I need to do a really good job, I need to be approved of, I need to be appreciated, I want to be relaxed, I want to be peaceful, I should calm down!

Byron Katie often talks about our human desire for love, approval or appreciation.

The very first thing to do, in this predicament, is not get upset with yourself for caring….for wanting love, approval or appreciation.

You shouldn’t calm down, until you do.

I’ve talked with so many people, and seen it in myself so regularly, that it appears to be a very normal reaction to speedy-speedy quick crave approval and then attack yourself for wanting it.

You may have noticed that telling yourself to calm down, or chill, or stop caring so much, or straighten up, or relax, doesn’t exactly work like a charm.

So let’s dial back to the belief that approval, appreciation or love would be freakin’ awesome.

Is it true?

Uh, yeah!?! Right?

Are you suggesting it isn’t? Are you nuts?

I would HATE people booing me off the stage. Or yelling, crying, screaming at me. Or talking to their friends about me in a mean way (“Did you hear her speech last weekend? Awful! I would NEVER attend a workshop with her, what a loser)!

The client I was working with imagined bad reviews in the paper, her critical mother in the audience, some oppressive “watcher” monitoring her for mistakes.

But who would you be without the belief that you could fail, screw it up….or that it would be horrible to be hated, shunned or criticized?

Woah.

So different.

If it were not truly possible to lack love, appreciation, approval?

Gloriously open. Connected to everyone and everything.

Noticing the support of the stage, the floor, the chairs filled with people, the lights, the claps, the eyeballs looking, the ceiling, the air temperature….all the incidents, arrangements, conversations, activity that became this moment, now.

And in the moment before the event happens, in my anticipation, I have only what I am imagining. I don’t actually know what it will be like, until I am there, in the moment.

It can’t be like it has ever been before, it won’t repeat anything from the past exactly as it ever happened previously, and now is only empty space with a quiet room, and pictures in my mind.

I turn the thoughts around:

They need to dislike it if they do, I have support, I don’t want to make any difference, I should be ineffective, I want me to love myself, I want me to be attracted to only me, I’m comforting them, the job I do is just right, I don’t need any approval, I already am appreciated, I want to be excited, I want to be nervous, I should be full of energy!

It’s not possible for me or anyone else to permanently fail or screw up (it could be entertaining if we do)…and I am willing to be shunned, hated, criticized or judged.

Wow, seriously?

Yes.

I notice everyone is their own unique life, that’s the way it works.

Everyone, themselves. Including me. Including you. On stage, or off stage. Judged or loved. Accepted, not accepted.

Nothing you can actually do about it.

“Anyone in harmony with what is has no past to project as a future, so there’s nothing she expects….She lets all things come because here they come anyway; it’s not as if she had a choice. She lets all things go because there they go, with or without her consent.” ~ Byron Katie

Whatever has happened, what if that’s just the way it needed to go before? And in the future, that will be what’s appropriate for that moment, whether one person is watching, or 100,000.

“When I was a child my mother said to me, ‘If you become a soldier, you’ll be a general. If you become a monk, you’ll be the pope.’ Instead I became a painter and wound up as Picasso.” ~ Picasso

Much love, Grace

November 21, 2014

Seeing Through Your Fear To Be Safe

The darkness of fear is bleak, but are you sure the story you're telling is absolutely true? — The darkness of fear is bleak, but are you sure the story you’re telling is absolutely true?

Her eyes brimmed with tears, she looked as if her heart was breaking and she was trying not to feel it.

A woman who had come to work with me was on skype, but we could see each other clearly, it was almost like being in person, even though she was across the Atlantic Ocean.

She had discovered her long-term partner had been paying for porn sites on the internet, going to places to buy sexual experience, and ran up debt feeding what seemed like an addiction to casual or sexual encounters with people he didn’t know.

She found out because of a pocket-dial. One of those weird times where the cell phone accidentally gets tapped, makes the call, and a voicemail is recorded.

She heard a long, strange 4 minute voicemail that sounded completely bizarre, and she had questions.

The questions led to more questions, realizing her partner was lying.

We’ve all had moments when it seems like someone isn’t telling the truth, or they’re telling the partial truth, or something doesn’t add up.

It’s sooooo easy to begin the barrage of thinking when betrayal, panic, fear arises.

You really believe something’s awful, and you’re terrified.

I remember having the same kind of experience myself.

I was trying to reach a man I was interested in by phone. He normally was very available. Almost always picked up the phone, we’d have long conversations. We weren’t even in a relationship….but I thought it was going in that direction.

It didn’t matter if it was called a relationship or not a relationship.

The dreamy elixir of addictive thinking was present.

I need him. I want him. He adores me. He wants me. This is thrilling. This is fabulous. This is giddy. I can’t wait for the next call.

I called back two hours later. No answer. I called back before bed. No answer. I texted the next day. No answer.

Five days later, he called and told me all about his sexcapades, illegal activity, strange dark unhappy environments.

Oh.

That’s the way it is.

And then a whole other pile of thoughts fly in like a tidal wave.

What an idiot I’ve been. I can’t believe I picked that person. He’s so wrong. I don’t need him. I don’t want him. I was so mistaken. This sucks.

Crash.

The world collapses. The dream is over.

But who would any of us be if we didn’t have the beliefs in either the ecstasy or the hell of love relationships? If we didn’t think they could save us, or kill us? If we didn’t cling to others, or avoid others?

Who would we BE without the belief that relationships offer something “special” whether it’s uplifting or earth-shattering?

Kinda weird, right?

What if we really investigated the beliefs that partnerships are such a big honkin’ deal?

Immediately, I find a middle road opening as if fog is parting, and there’s a path.

It’s OK to walk the path alone, it’s OK to walk the path holding someone’s hand, it’s OK to walk the path with a few close friends, it’s OK to walk the path with a whole group arm in arm together for awhile, and then alone again.

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look.” ~ Pema Chodron

And so I began the journey with my client that day. The journey of taking a good look.

Remembering my own looking as we investigate together.

Turning everything around: I am not abandoned now, I abandoned myself in that situation, I am set free, I do not know where this is really going, things come and things go including relationships, things are torn apart, things are built up, there is movement, all is very well except in my thinking.

Could all these things be just as true, or truer?

Yes.

“There is no greater illusion than fear, no greater wrong than preparing to defend yourself, no greater misfortune than having an enemy. Whoever can see through all fear will always be safe.” ~ Tao Te Ching #46

Much love, Grace

November 20, 2014

You Are Never Truly Homeless, Even When You Are

Several people have written to me about joining YOI (Year of Inquiry) and how it works. Our year began in September….however if you’re really wanting to be in our inquiry circle to stay close and steady in the practice of questioning stressful thoughts, with a group of awesome people, then this is a super easy and great way to do it.

Three weeks out of every month we’re on the phone or skype together, from time zones all over the world, looking deeply at our thoughts, reading our worksheets out loud, closely investigating the pain and stress that arises in our lives.

People get to partner with others in the group if they choose, and we change topics every month….but you can always do your own work, even if it seems unrelated to our month-long subject.

We meet Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. You can pick only one, or join them all. It all depends on your desire for practicing inquiry. To apply, click here.

The other day, during our Tuesday morning call, our investigating was profound.

I felt like we were the peacemakers of the world, considering our thoughts about homelessness, or any other group or person who seems frightening and strange.

Sitting on our call together, I remembered how close I came to my own “homelessness”…..

…..and how now, I see even better than ever before how NOT homeless I was back then, even though that beautiful house in my memory is no longer where I live.

I still drive by it from time to time, and gaze up the long driveway. I can’t really see the house. But images and memories pass through my mind like a speeding bullet train.

I used to think about my old house and feel sad, sad, sad.

I should never have felt we had to sell. We were so screwed up in our thinking. That was such a mistake. We didn’t have a good attitude towards money. We made life hard for ourselves for no reason.

I see so deeply today how there is nothing permanent, and thinking I need a shelter or structure over my head which stays the same is completely bonkers.

Afterall, I’m outta there sooner or later.

The reality is, I’ve actually moved by choice many times, and moved because it was what was required other times, and stayed planted right where I was other times, and looked for a place to sleep some times.

Just like everyone else.

By connecting with the fear of homelessness, by looking at someone I think of as “homeless” in my town, I turn it around and see what I’ve imagined to be so frightening, and what is at home, right now, no matter what’s going on.

Never homeless.

From that place, I notice, I can give the “homeless” person I walk past a hug.

“If you have a problem with people or the state of the world, I invite you to put your stressful thoughts on paper and question them, and to do it for the love of truth, not in order to save the world. Turn it around: save your own world. Isn’t that why you want to save the world in the first place? So that you can be happy? Well, skip the middleman, and be happy from here! You’re it. You’re the one. In this turnaround you remain active, but there’s no fear in it, no internal war. So it ceases to be war trying to teach peace. War can’t teach peace. Only peace can. I don’t try to change the world–not ever. The world changes by itself, and I’m a part of that change. I’m absolutely, totally, a lover of what is. When people ask me for help, I say yes. We inquire, and they begin to end their suffering, and in that they begin to end the suffering of the world.” ~ Byron Katie pg. 83 1000 Names For Joy

Much love,

Grace

P.S. December 6th is filling up–mini retreat in person in Seattle 1:30-5:30 pm all afternoon. What a great way to spend a winter Saturday.

November 19, 2014

Feeling Bad And Don’t Know Why? Here’s What To Do

Fairly regularly, people come to me to do The Work and say “I feel awful, I can’t sleep, I want to eat all the time, I want to drink beer, but I don’t know WHAT I’m really upset about!?!”

This is soooooo common.

You aren’t weird if you’ve noticed this in your life.

Some of the other things people will say are “I am depressed” or “I am anxious all the time” or the most fabulous give-up smack to the world….”what’s the use?”

How do I do The Work on this feeling? I can’t find a concept! Write something down?

There’s nothing to write down….or too much to write down!

Maybe you are considering humanity….and the suffering, the wars, the hunger, destruction, global warning, relationships gone astray, the hurt, the grief.

It’s so big. So hard. So terrible. Blech. I’ll just go to bed.

When it comes to doing The Work, one of the first places to begin when you just feel bad is to locate a specific objection you have about life, and oddly enough, narrow it down in a strangely specific way.

I always have people start there, just like Byron Katie herself recommends.

“But I don’t have a specific situation….I have a whole bunch of uncomfortable or horrible situations….life is just one big fat disappointment, I’m a mess, being here is no good!”

OK, no problemo.

Here’s the good news. Pick ONE.

That’s all that is necessary.

Because narrowing it down to one situation at a time is the BEST THING I EVER DID in my inquiry.

Seriously.

And I was someone who had what I thought were HUNDREDS of objectionable situations.

I used to make very global statements about the difficulties of life. I used to be sarcastic and rather dark…my humor still leans in that direction, but now it’s actually FUNNY.

“Life sucks and then you die”.

I notice…I really don’t say those kinds of things hardly ever anymore. Or, I don’t believe it when I do.

Wow.

Have no fear. If you say big generalized statements about the world, life, you, humans….and it’s dark and bitter….all you have to do is begin with one situation you ACTUALLY went through.

One really lazer, painful, ouchy incident where you got hurt.

That’s the moment.

You put it on “pause” and hold that vision in your mind of that specific situation.

Ow, ow, ow.

Even if you don’t want to remember it, or deal with it, or you feel there’s absolutely nothing you could ever do about it, ever, ever, ever.

Inquiry is investigation into reality, into the truth.

And the assumption below it all is that experiencing pain and suffering in this moment now, through remembering the past or dreading the future, means you don’t have all the lights on. You’re missing something, you’ve thought something to be true that’s probably not really true for you.

But you have to look and see for yourself.

Today….if you have a big black cloud come over you, if you experience deep despair, irritation, depression, rage, frustration, terror, fear or anxiety….

….first simply stop.

Now consider the moment where you got triggered. Maybe an image sped through your mind and it reminded you of something else. Maybe three different people had funny faces, and all added up together you were disturbed because your mind took off on a tangent of despair.

Go backwards in time to the first moment you got triggered.

The scene of the crime.

The day you lost your innocence. The moment you failed, the day you found out that news, the conversation in which it became clear you were betrayed, criticized, unloved, wrong, destroyed.

Don’t worry if you don’t have the “best” worst situation.

The one that comes to mind, is the one ready for inquiry.

Every time I thought I just “felt bad” and didn’t have a thought to question…within five minutes of writing I had a specific situation, a difficult painful relationship to investigate.

“It is only by beginning to examine and realize the falseness within our minds that we begin to awaken an intelligence that originates from beyond the realm of thinking.” ~ Adyashanti

“An unquestioned mind is the world of suffering.” ~ Byron Katie

I love knowing all that is necessary is to question.

The suffering I am experiencing is happening through not asking questions, through making statements like “LIFE SUCKS!”

Like I know, right?

Let yourself see the thing that’s bothering you, in that moment of angst, urgency, fear, sleeplessness.

Don’t start wondering if you have the right situation, or the best situation….just begin. Write that Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

You can do it!

Much love, Grace

P.S. For lots of wonderful information about doing The Work and to see Byron Katie teach you about filling out a JYN, visit www.thework.com.

November 18, 2014

Be Full of Love–Question Your Fears

So much can happen in a split second inside the imagination.

Get this.

I’m in a long-hours retreat weekend for three full days, 10 am until 11 pm-ish every day. It’s got the schedule of a hard-core zen retreat. We stand up and stretch for one minute intervals, there are two thirty minute breaks and one 90 minute meal break.

The second evening….or I should call it NIGHT since it was 11:45 pm, I decide to call my husband, hours away, on his own separate personal growth type retreat with a small group and a familiar beloved teacher for him.

As I walk to my car, my workshop day over, glancing at my text messages, emails and incoming calls missed all day, before I dial, I consider the hour.

It’s a bit late.

He might already be sleeping. He might be sleeping with a roommate or others in ear shot of the phone. He might be out of cell range. I have no idea of his environment.

Just about midnight.

I fire up the car, get the ice scraper out, clear the windshield. I begin my own drive home (for my retreat, I’m sleeping at home every night). I decide to go ahead and dial, thinking if he’s not available I’ll leave a newsy message, the kind I love to get, and wait to connect with him when we see each other again in person in a few days.

Ring Ring Ring.

I hear fumbling, a small thumping sound. Silence.

I say “hello?” Then I hear nothing. I check the phone screen. Yes, I am connected. Someone has answered his phone.

I say again “hello?”

Nothing.

I wait. It seems like I hear some foot steps. I imagine him quickly trying to hold the phone in a muffled position, exiting a dark room full of sleeping people, or a late-night retreat session, or a deep after-retreat-hours conversation about what’s being learned or discussed.

I better not talk, in case there’s total silence wherever he is and my voice would penetrate the room, coming out of the phone!

I wait. But then I say again….”Hello?” kind of anxious.

The phone screen shows seconds ticking by.

Then I hang up, feeling a little embarrassed.

Not that he would ever get upset about being called in the middle of something important, he’s not the sort to blame that on me, or anyone else. He’d be quite exceptional that way, actually, trusting that whatever incoming noises, rings and beeps occurred were for some good reason. He’d probably be amused about whatever went on. One of the most accepting and easy-going people I know.

And yet still. I should have known it was too late.

Arggh.

I should have asked him if I could call. I shouldn’t have rung his phone.

I turn on the CD and listen to a great lecture where I left off last time I was in the car, and listen to it all the way home.

In the morning, I notice….oh. There’s a voicemail.

From my husband. One minute after I phoned him last night.

He’s cheerily saying “what’s up? I saw you called but couldn’t hear anything! Call me back if you want.”

My imagination had gone through visions in tiny sparky flashes of my call causing a ring causing a disturbance causing irritation. My mind’s idea of the scene even pictured a frantic run out of a dark room, throwing a loud ringing phone out a window (what were those bump noises anyway).

My mind had even flashed on someone ELSE picking up the phone and answering it, someone who happened to be near my husband’s phone.

All that….and fortunately no intensity going anywhere. I slept well. No biggie.

But the scenes were there, the thinking had been immediately busy.

In those kinds of moments when worry starts to tweak you with pictures or creative ideas about what’s happening…

…remember to ask if it’s true.

Because, in that moment, that question was alive and well. I knew I had no idea what was happening. The movie playing was even rather entertaining.

But this is not always the case.

If you believe your worries, they turn into anxieties, then fear, then terror, then you’re flooded and overwhelmed with terrified feelings, darkness and hell.

All from not remembering to wonder “is this vision true?”

Reality check.

Look around. Nothing is happening.

I dialed a number. The phone on the other end was answered, apparently. There was a little sound, then silence.

That’s what actually happened.

One of my favorite things to do after learning of my mind’s capacity for fear-compulsion-addiction is to check out if things are true that I imagined, that I “guessed” were true.

When I called him back, I shared with him what I was seeing in my mind during those 46 seconds.

He chuckled and said “not even close.”

“It is this very personal relationship with thought that is the cause of all the fear, ignorance, and suffering which characterizes the human condition, and which destroys the manifestation of true Love in this life. As long as your experience of self and life is defined by the mechanical, conditioned, and compulsive movement of thought, you are bound to a very, very limited perception of what is real…..
…..Experience your eternalness, your holiness, your awakeness until you are convinced that you are never subject to the movement of thought, of fear, or of time. To be free of fear is to be full of Love.” ~ Adyashanti

Anyone can do this. You do not need to be special.

To be full of love, you need only to stop and see if what you are imagining is actually true.

See if there is something present besides thinking.

See if you are safe.

I don’t really know why and how my visions are created, and why so much believing, repeating thoughts, fixating on images and concepts has occurred in the past without questioning any of it.

One day, I found out about questioning what was real.

So now that I know about inquiry, now that I know to ask what is true….ahhhhhhh.

Drama, entertainment, and laughter for us all.

And lots of love.

You’re full of love, too. You might not see it if you’ve been scared, but I know it’s there.

Much love, Grace

P.S. There’s an opening in Year of Inquiry for our wonderful phone sessions. Gather with others and inquire every week via teleconference on a specific painful belief. Inquiry circle from anywhere in the world! Monthly fee, send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com for more information.

November 17, 2014

Who Are You Without That Trash?

Quite a few years ago, I spent a weekend with a man called Dr. Hew Len.

He was a gruff no-nonsense teacher of peace. No fakey fake. No nicey nice.

I happened to get to sit down next to him at the same restaurant during the lunch break on the first day.

I told him I felt awful about my rage, especially with my teenage daughter.

He said “clean.”

That was his primary teaching, his offering of what one could practice to feel free. That’s what we were learning about in his weekend workshop.

Clean your mind, stop reacting, say “I love you”, take 100% responsibility for what’s happening around you.

No questions, no stories, no explanations.

He was awesome, I loved him. And he said that if you wanted to talk and talk, even talk a little bit, you were full of BS.

This weekend I’m in another personal development retreat (I know, I know, I seem to be in a lot of these lately…we’ll talk about that LATER)!

I was reminded of Dr. Len when the workshop leader said all your stories, talking, yapping, suffering….

….all just data, just machinery, projection, comparing to the past, worrying about the future, limited.

Not the real YOU.

I thought about what question four in The Work of Byron Katie always points to: who or what would you be without your story?

Without believing your thoughts, your feelings, your judgments of other people? Without grabbing what you see, hear, touch, smell and THINK and instantly being so sure it’s all absolute reality?

Who would you be without being so sure there’s something to be worried about, or terrified of, or even happy about?

I know it’s kinda crazy.

Instead of looking at what is and believing in it, this is imagining who you would be without those thoughts…

Just get quiet and see, today.

You might think you can’t, you might think “I don’t know how to be without my thoughts!”

You don’t have to be without your thoughts altogether…that appears to be impossible.

You just have to click into the sense of not being a believer of them. See what else is here, besides thinking and stressing and reacting.

Hold still a minute. Don’t talk.

Dr. Len gives it to us without any sugar on top:

“You have given up yourself, your pureness of heart, for trash. Can you imagine giving up a pure soul for trash? This is what we do moment to moment….But if you’re at zero, everyone else will be at zero. And you really are at zero. That’s who you really are.” ~ Dr. Hew Len

You are so big, so amazingly powerful, beyond all your thinking and fears and judgments. You have done nothing wrong to have them, so don’t go getting mad at yourself.

Just be and imagine.

Dr. Len calls it zero. A big fat zero. Nothingness. Flat line. Space. Resting. Silence. Emptiness.

Don’t be scared of what it’s called.

You are not defined as your body, you are not your environment, you are not your relationships, you are not your mind, you are not your thoughts, you are not your emotions.

All these parts honorable and fascinating, nothing wrong with them.

But wow, you are all this and much more.

I LOVE YOU!

Isn’t it fun?

“Without a story of being limited, you’re infinite. There’s nothing more joyous than that–to know that you’re all things and new each moment, and that all of it is projected. People think that limitlessness is terrifying, because they don’t have inquiry. But it’s no more terrifying than sitting in your living room.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

November 15, 2014

How To Avoid Believing Other People’s Dark Twisted Money Stories

Other people's thoughts about money can be poisonous, when YOU believe them — Other people’s thoughts about money can be poisonous, when YOU believe them

The other day I was working with a client who has had the same complaint for a couple of years.

Both her son and her boyfriend have credit cards, and her name is on their accounts. Both of them don’t pay their bills on time. Both of them get late fees added to their balance due.

Since her name is on the account…it matters to her that these people pay their bills.

Our attitudes about money can take us into the strangest twisted places.

Most people would advise her to make sure her name is off those accounts, right? Then, she may not like how they operate with their money, but she’s at least not supporting it or colluding with it, or getting involved personally.

At least, that was my thought.

Why doesn’t she take her name off everything?! Maybe even close those credit card accounts and let these people she loves run their own money?

I mean…..JEEZUS! IT’S NOT THAT HARD!

Oh. Heh heh.

So easy to give advice, right? So easy to get riled up and have a stressful reaction. How fascinating.

I decided to look deeper, since this story actually triggered a voice inside ME.

Maybe you have someone close to you…a family member, a client, a best friend….they should get clear about money, stop being used, stop getting caught in weird dynamic with people around money, sort their money issues out!

Is it true?

Yes! Like I said…it’s not that hard. You cut up the card and close the account. Bam. Done.

Is it absolutely true they should figure out their weirdness about money?

Yes! Yes! Yes! Money is tricky enough without having other people involved! It’s way better to simply be responsible for creating your own money, managing your own money, relating to your own money.

Of course it’s absolutely true!!

Although….I do understand, there are many strange, underlying, dark beliefs about money, about love, that perhaps need to surface slowly over time. There is a learning curve, it appears. There may be much more going on than I would ever know.

How do I react when I see someone else doing something stupid with their money? Constantly needing more of it? Asking for free things and looking for deals? Bailing other people out?

Sorry. I feel bad about saying “stupid”.

I vow never to do anything like this myself ever again (I once got married and pooled resources, but I’ll never do that again–even though I’m remarried). I feel proud and “right” about getting myself out of debt completely, building a savings account, creating wealth.

I wonder at the bizarreness of the human psyche that has the capacity to drive someone into financial confusion, not saying “no”.

The other night, my husband and I went to see Gone Girl because it was recommended by someone I trust. I love good movies. I rarely go to the movies anymore, so this was rare.

I had no idea what it was about.

At the end, I just shook my head. I reflected on the sickness humans sometimes get into, the longing, the control, the unhappiness, the self-hate….

….and how it can be played out in a primary relationship.

The story in this movie was a fascinating and extreme version of the same things humans believe about each other every day, when their belief system about love and connection is based on fear, self-doubt, abandonment, support and neediness.

Money fits into this in a strange way.

We need money, apparently, the way we need food and water, in order to have a stable life…since we all exchange money here, usually, on planet earth (I know this could be questioned).

Wow, though.

People do crazed insane things to keep money in their lives.

And who would I be right now without the belief that all those beliefs about money are sad, depressing, tragic, twisted, dreadful?

I’d rest in a place of quiet, knowing everyone is working out their patterns and lives in the best way possible.

I can love these people rather than scoff at them or slap them in my mind. I can be truly honest.

I can do my own work about money.

If you notice others who are being crazy, damaging and unhappy about their money….

….the last thing they may need is someone angry with them and yelling at them to get it together or else.

So I asked my client what she was thinking was so terrible about saying “no”, taking her name off these other peoples’ accounts, standing in her own shoes when it comes to money?

I listened. There was a much stronger part of me hearing the story and not reacting.

And it doesn’t mean I don’t suggest separating her funds from these other people….but without expectation for any results.

All I know is, every time I do The Work with other people on money, even as facilitator, I become freer.

I don’t need to take on other peoples’ problems or concerns about money.

Ahhhhhh….the big turnaround.

When I think SHE should be clear about her responsibilities and peace and boundaries with money?

I’m the one who should be clear, responsible, peaceful and have boundaries with money, my thoughts about money, my “rightness” about money, right in the moment I’m thinking about how SHE should have clarity about money.

I speak up and speak clearly, and I allow her to be as she is, loving her where she is with money.

Nothing more required.

“You tell him yes because you’re afraid of losing something or you want something….but can you absolutely know that if you said ‘no’ he would stop loving you?…..When you believe the thought that you will stop being loved unless you give someone money, you become less wealthy.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

November 14, 2014

Decisions Decisions! But The Universe Will Give You What You Need

Decisions Are Easier Than You Think — I have to make the right decision!

Recently I’ve been having a difficult time making a decision about leaving home to attend a big annual event (known as The Cleanse) with Byron Katie.

Don’t get me wrong….it’s a beautiful event where Byron Katie sits with an empty chair on stage, and one by one, people sit in the chair next to her to do The Work, to investigate a situation or person in their lives who’s giving them grief.

In the end, through 3.5 days of that available chair on stage, perhaps 20 or 30 people get to sit with Katie as she facilitates them in looking at their beliefs about something terrible that happened, or something super irritating, something tragic, even something tolerable but persistently stressful.

While the four questions are the same for everyone, Katie–like all of us–has her original and unique way of working with them.

The process is so fascinating delving into the mind and what we really believe is absolutely true, that 400 people will come just to listen.

So yeah. It’s a cool event.

So is staying home in Seattle with my family including my son who will be back from college, my very cute husband who has a birthday on January 4th, and festivities of connection with people I love.

Without airports.

When you have a decision to make between two really awesome things….what to do?

This can happen with far more than two options for where you’ll be located during a particular time of year.

You might have a choice between two people you’d really like to have a committed relationship with, you might have to choose between two delicious meals on the menu, you might have to choose should I stay or should I go….

….the important thing to note is “this is stressful!”

Which means….time to take a look.

What I’ve found in this decision-making angst are usually three OTHER stressful thoughts that are the real confusors:

I will miss something VERY meaningful
I could make the wrong decision
I can’t trust my decisions (because see #2)

But what if you didn’t have any of these beliefs?

What if you didn’t think you’d miss anything….EVER? No matter what?

Turning the thoughts around: I won’t miss anything, it’s not possible to make the wrong decision, I can trust all my decisions.

Wow! Stunning!

What a load off!

I notice I look at flights, I look at hotels, I don’t make reservations, I feel joyful and I wind up talking with my friend Gai in Australia on skype and drinking tea.

It is obviously not necessary to know what I’m doing at the end of December right now.

I will have a clear yes or no when I do.

It may not actually even be up to “me”.

“The universe will give you what you need, against your best thought….When you do The Work and turn your thoughts around, you find advantages for what happens. You win if you’re right, you win if you’re wrong. In my life I always win, win, win, win…” ~ Byron Katie

In this moment now, all is well, future unknown.

As I feel this to be true, I realize that in the future, it will also be true….now.

Oh! I do always win!

Much love,

Grace

November 12, 2014

No One Is Immune–So Invite It In

A couple of years ago, I attended a huge conference for mental health professionals in San Francisco.

One of my favorite teachers, Irving Yalom, was the keynote speaker, in his 80s.

Most people have never heard of him.

But he is famous in the world of mental health, a beloved psychotherapist who has taught at Stanford and practiced his profession for more than 40 years.

Irving Yalom wrote in one of his many books that the capacity to tolerate uncertainty is a prerequisite for becoming a therapist, and that really we are all in this together.

Like, we’re all going to die.

“We are all in this together and there is no therapist and no person immune to the inherent tragedies of existence.” ~ Irving Yalom

This reminded me of Byron Katie saying “there are no new thoughts!”

When I first read Loving What Is, I realized that I had so many objections I could write the book Upset With What Is.

And I really did want there to be some kind of way out of this predicament. I wanted immunity to the “tragedies” of existence.

I didn’t want bad stuff to happen.

Please!?

But now, even though I’ve gone through so many of these inherent tragedies of existence at this point (death, loss, addiction, fear, despair, grief) there is truly a strange acceptance of uncertainty.

Complete and total uncertainty.

So fabulous to question the belief “I need to be certain…I need to find out…I need to know…I need to immunize myself against tragedy!”

Without the belief I need to be certain….

….without the thought that I need to know anything, have answers, give advice, or help anyone (including myself) avoid pain….

….it is indeed a strange, wild, wonderful existence.

Turning it all around: I do not need to know, I don’t need to be certain of anything, I need to NOT know, I do not need to immunize myself against anything.

Strange and unusual for the mind to sit with.

And yet….exciting. Thrilling! Brilliant!

Instantly aware of the pulse below the surface even in this moment of life, of hearing noises of cars, tapping of fingers on laptop, checking clock for the hour, the slight ache in the back, the pale light of the room, heart beating, body warm.

Awesome surroundings. Miraculous.

I wouldn’t trade any of it.

And if I would, I’ve got The Work.

“The dark thought, the shame, the malice. Meet them at the door laughing and invite them in. Be grateful for whatever comes. Because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” ~ Rumi

Much love, Grace

November 11, 2014

An Odd Thing To Do If You Know Someone Sad

Yesterday in our telegroup Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven we looked at a powerfully stressful thought that causes a lot of insanity on the planet…

She should be happy. He should be happy. Everyone should be happy!

All by itself, the idea that you want people to be happy, content, free, or peaceful is of course beautiful, true, and genuinely loving.

We love the world to be happy, all of us do.

But it’s so easy for this one to get twisted into multiple knots of confusion….

….and to bring great suffering upon yourself by wishing someone would be happy who really isn’t.

You know when the wish is stressful, because you feel pain inside your heart and an urgency that they change. You can feel the voices saying crazy mean things like “Get Happy Now, you miserable victim!” or “Snap out of it! Come on!” or “Gimme a smile!” or “Get yourself into therapy immediately!”

What if you first just slowed down this whole Race-For-Happiness thing and accepted that person’s bitter unhappiness, now.

Maybe your kid fell and cut her lip, maybe your friend is going on yet again about her awful boyfriend, maybe your dad is sitting in his chair staring out the window with a lost look, maybe another friend is going into a treatment program and acting suicidal, maybe someone you love lost someone very special.

That person cries, looks sad, sighs deeply, tells you their story. Maybe you’ve heard it before.

Then YOU feel sad, irritated, annoyed or anxious.

Stop.

Notice…who would you be without the belief they need to be happy?

Sometimes people feel guilty, just to imagine not having that belief.

I might skip along and ditch that person forever. I might be uncaring and never helpful. I might be completely self-centered. I might wind up alone, untethered, crazy. I might be abandoned. They might hate me.

I have to help other people become happy! I can’t just be happy and not care about them, that would be WEIRD.

Try it on, though….like you’re trying on a fabulous, interesting, creative new stress-free outfit.

Not having the belief that anyone else needs to be different than they are in this moment.

It doesn’t mean you don’t think they’ll be happier tomorrow, or that you hold in your heart that they arrive at happiness sooner than later, or that you want peace and awareness for them when they feel empty.

But there’s a sense of trust in this moment, here, now…that all that is being felt, including sadness, grief, rage or suicidal thoughts exist in reality….and that there is a path unfolding for everyone.

That’s life.

Without the belief that someone has to be happy in order for me to be at peace, I am free to return to my own happiness.

I can feel the wonder of Not Knowing and remain steady, my practice only to feel love, aliveness, joy in this moment now….even with that unhappy person sitting with me.

In fact, I notice I’m way more attentive, responsive, compassionate, and oddly enough, even more connected to this dear sad person.

It’s like I’m not afraid of sadness or grief or unhappiness in them. I can handle it. I know it’s temporary. I know there’s a substantive, deep pool of acceptance at the bottom of everything.

Even death, depression, failure, loss or hurt.

“Hurt feelings or discomfort of any kind cannot be caused by another person. No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I believe a stressful thought that I get hurt. And I’m the one who’s hurting me by believing what I think. This is very good news, because it means that I don’t have to get someone else to stop hurting me. I’m the one who can stop hurting me. It’s within my power…..Questioning our thoughts is the kinder way. Inquiry always leaves us as more loving human beings.” ~ Byron Katie

I don’t have to feel hurt, dread, sad, terrified when someone I love is hurting. Their reactions to their life does not “hurt” me unless I believe my stressful thinking.

As I turn the thoughts around about other people and their pain, and what I think it means, I notice I trust that the universe has got this.

Not me.

I have no absolute answers. I can be here with them, joining closely with love, and not believe they should be any different.

I have no idea what their experience is for, I don’t know what it really means, I don’t know why it happened or didn’t happen.

And that’s OK. Completely.

What a bizarre and strange thing to do when someone else close to me is hurting: nothing. Except be there, without demanding they be different.

Or….maybe joining with them in their unhappiness was the really bizarre, strange move.

As an inquirer in the teleclass said as she described her family “they’re like crabs trying to climb out of a bucket–they pinch and crawl and keep pulling each other down–back into the dark bucket. No one able to get out.”

Who would I be without the thought that the bucket is sad, the crabs are unhappy, this is a terrible, desperate situation from hell?

Unknown. Open.

Who knows what will happen, next?

Much love,

Grace