A few years ago I was working with a woman on a project who, it turned out, had some judgments about me, and about what the project outcome was supposed to look like. She was not happy.
One day I said to her “is there something the matter? I would like to hear what you are thinking” and then there was a stream of concepts pouring forth. “You are not being collaborative, you don’t seem to care, you are talking behind my back to other people about me, you are a liar”.
I was so stunned, and my face I am sure turned bright red. I had no idea she felt this way. I had suspected she was not a happy person about several things in her life. My thought had been “she complains a lot”. I had actually even done The Work on my thoughts about this….and wound up feeling a lot of compassion for her….from a distance. I had believed I need to stay away from her, she was too critical, too full of complaints.
Now, here was a human being, giving me what I needed right in that moment. Right in that instant I felt fear, sadness, fret, surprise.
- I should have known how unhappy she was
- I should have seen that she would complain about me
- She is mean!
- She is judgmental, critical, a perfectionist
- She wants to be too close to me
- She is nosy, she asks too many questions
- She talks too much!
- I am too introverted
- I am too unfriendly
Investigating my thinking about this, I could see how the minute she “criticized” me, I was off into a vortex of fear. All coming down to “she doesn’t like me” and “I’ve done something wrong”.
And these thoughts themselves assume that if someone doesn’t like me it’s terrible, or that it’s possible for me to do something wrong.
The part of the mind that argues for safety, control, protection, and being careful….that part that is worried says OF COURSE YOU CAN DO SOMETHING WRONG, YOU DING-BAT! Watch out, you could make another mistake any minute now. Be careful! Just being yourself is not good enough! Being yourself might be bad! You should be more friendly, kind, talkative, open, truthful…
What if everything you’ve ever thought about someone else or about yourself that feels bad in any way is a belief that can be un-done, questioned, investigated, un-thought?
What if it’s possible to be peaceful, happy, loving, excited, joyful….in any moment, including the one where someone is yelling at you and clearly, thinks you’re making a mistake, doing it wrong, or doesn’t like you?
“Defense is the FIRST act of war. If you tell me that I’m mean, rejecting, hard, unkind, or unfair, I say “thank you sweetheart, I can find all these things in my life, I have been everything you say, and more. Tell me everything you see, and together we can help me understand. Through you, I come to know myself. Without you, how can I know the places in me that are unkind and invisible? You bring me to myself. So, sweetheart, look into my eyes and tell me again. I want you to give me everything.”~Byron Katie
I wrote down everything that woman said to me that I could remember. I looked at her words, and any place I wanted to defend or explain myself. I saw how she was right. I was distant, dismissive, I stayed away from her, something in me was bored with her, irritable, not collaborative, withdrawn. Something in ME judged HER as wrong!
She was right. I felt flooded with gratitude for her. I started talking more. I showed up more. I participated more. I said what I really thought. The whole atmosphere softened. I think about her face and I can see how hard she tries, how worried she is sometimes, how brave she was to speak up and tell the truth.
“All people are allowed to be happy at all times, forever. This is happiness: to know you are always allowed to be happy no matter who you are, what you do, and no matter what happens to you.”~Bruce di Marsico
With love,
Grace