Have you ever felt abandoned? Left out? Sure those other people are judging you, or couldn’t care less about you? Suspicious they dislike you, disrespect you, find you entirely unimportant?
The other day as I listened as a beautiful client talked about a whole group of people leaving her out. She had loads of excellent proof.
Certain Men.
They don’t care, they disrespect, they’re unkind, they’re rude, they’re entitled.
I remembered a moment I felt the very same thing.
My situation?
I’m in someone’s massive living room (a man’s). A huge wall has been slid open on one side of the house, to an electric blue swimming pool and gorgeous night patio. People all around me, socializing together at this big dinner. I’m aware many of them earn gazillions of dollars a year in their businesses….including our host. While it’s a mix of men and women, my thought is the majority are men. Everyone is friendly, funny, young to old.
I’m sitting near a woman, who I feel closer to. She says “I feel like a peon in this group, with my business only earning a million a year”.
OMG.
What?
I don’t even earn 100K a year. And SHE feels like she’s a peon? She earns a million dollars? Seriously?
What am I then?
I don’t belong here. Panic. What if they all knew? I’m such a dunce to have asked to come. I thought I might fit in. I don’t. Where’s the exit? How embarrassing. Look at this ugly grey sweater I’m wearing. What if they knew I got it at Goodwill? I need to stay calm.
In zero to sixty seconds, I also decided all the supremely successful people were men. They could care less if I was there, or not. A woman who never thought about money, earning or business until the past couple of years (at least, I never thought about it as my department, or something I might get involved with).
They don’t value me. I have nothing to give them that they would value.
Wow. Such a stressful thought, in that situation.
Where have you had this kind of thought, about not fitting in, and feeling concern about it? It doesn’t have to be about salaries and money, it could be something completely different. And yet, the very same stressful belief.
What’s the worst that could happen, if you don’t fit in, or you have nothing of value?
Banishment. Ridicule. Loneliness. Failure. Abandonment. Maybe even death. Or a low quality of life. Or an empty Saturday night.
I decided to do The Work, right along with the client (I usually do) as she looked into her situation, with all her past proof of slights from this entire group of people. Those People. (In my case, very wealthy men).
Is it true they don’t value me, in that situation?
Yes.
No one is sitting near me. No one is talking to me. The only man who DID talk with me for awhile told me I would need an attitude adjustment about money and wealth.
How could he tell this, when he doesn’t know me very well? I must dress or present myself in a way that says “She’s got a lower income.” It must be me.
Seriously? Is this absolutely true? Are you 100% sure? Do you know beyond doubt they don’t value you?
No. I have no idea what’s going on, honestly. Besides a lot of images and assumptions in my own mind.
How do you react when you believe they don’t value you?
Oh wow. I feel ashamed. I’m positive I don’t belong. I almost feel….apologetic! Like I should have known I don’t belong and it’s my fault I’m on this couch, in this house. Something weird happened and I wound up here, by accident.
How do I treat money, and men who look like they have it?
A big barrier descends between me, and them. Those guys know about x, y and z (the things money can buy) and those guys dress like a, b, and c and those guys are in the club and most other people aren’t (I’m not). I make big grand generalizations about these men and I treat them like strange animals. Or even enemies.
Who would you be without your thoughts that they don’t see your worth, your value, your importance?
I’d see people all milling about being….humans. I’d suddenly be back inside this body, apparently inhabited by “me” (whatever that is, which is quite mysterious) looking out at the world rather in awe, curious, wondering about it. I’d be connected to them, not putting them in an inhuman category, all lumped together into Those Guys.
How would I treat money, and myself, and that moment in time….without the belief I have no value there for other people in the room?
Watching how I joined the bandwagon and de-valued myself, and de-valued them, and grew uncomfortable and separated in an instant, with only a thought between me and happiness.
I might speak to the very kind man who shared with me his observations that I could have some trouble with money and wealth….
….and notice he was absolutely 1000% percent right. I did.
Turning the thought around: They DO value me. I have something they highly value.
Could this be just as true, or truer?
Of course. They said “yes” to my asking if I could join them. They smile. They respond if I speak to them. They look like strong, passionate, happy people. They’re showing up and participating here, joining in. Sharing the air. They aren’t kicking anyone out, including me.
Turning it around again: I don’t value them. I don’t value myself.
Wow. Harsh.
Both are true. I don’t value the way I love going to Goodwill to find clothing. I don’t value myself when I have zero money, or when I almost foreclosed on my house, or how incredibly passionate I am about learning now about money. I don’t value how much I love trading money for services and experiences and learning. I don’t value having NO money–also very exciting and meaningful. In fact, having no money was one of the greatest teachers of all time for me.
I didn’t remember the turnaround, right in the moment I heard “a million dollars” that my worth and value is unconditional, and so is everyone else’s. Money and things come and go constantly. The body comes and goes, too. But this pulsing life force is right here, present, humming.
Ecstatic. Alive, Here.
I don’t value them for who they are on the inside, I judge them based on their appearance, their behavior with me, how they move, how their faces look, what they talk about, and how much money I believe they have.
Hmmm.
I think I owe Those Ultra Wealthy Men a big apology, inside my mind, for considering them to have no value, for judging them, for assuming who they are.
Of course, the images in my mind don’t even exist. They were figments of my imagination. Flashes of experience I used to “prove” I was a victim of someone else who thought I didn’t have value, when I was the one lowering my own value.
Crazy how the mind can do that.
“If I think you are my problem, I am insane.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love, Grace