When you think of you-know-who…are you feeling stress or peace?

You gotta admit, this is pretty clear.

I felt smacked down.

Inside I had a voice that said something like “fine, take your completely-at-peace self outta here and go f*%^ yourself, see if I care.”

That would be slightly defensive, wouldn’t it?

Saying something sarcastic, saying I didn’t want to talk anymore, saying he was acting defensive, pointing out he didn’t exactly seem at peace…..any of my immediate comments would be feeding the very same slap-down energy.

War.

I could feel it inside when he told me these words, like a fire ready to explode, in my gut, and I wanted to cry.

The words to accompany the feeling, if I spoke them out loud, were basically like a scream, a wail, pure cussing, a rage.

Inside this voice was having a fit of Poor Me, or I-Have-Been-Ditched or I-Have-Been-Threatened or I-Have-Never-Been-So-Insulted-In-My-Life.

Defend, defend, defend.

And right under this, very hurt.

A great sweeping sense of pain.

I knew that if I wanted to learn from this interaction (and I always do, please) I needed to listen, not tell him what to do or how to be or send back a defensive or hostile text.

I also knew, I needed to focus back on myself and get in my own business, not on his.

How do you get back inside your own business, when someone ditches you, or tells you they don’t like what you said?

The Work.

I identified my thoughts, the hurt ones yelling in my head and bursting in my heart and feeling sick in my stomach.

He doesn’t care about me. He thinks I’m shit. He’s an asshole. He’s a big fat baby, and a victim. He’s so rude. He doesn’t understand me. He’s a liar. He’s sick. He hurt me.

Take a deep breath.

Is it true?

Yes, cry. Hurt, angry, raging, fists pounding, choked up, abandoned.

Are you sure it’s true? Really, really sure?

Deep breath again.

I pause, I look. I see the movie in my head of him, I see the words on my phone, I feel tears form in my eyes. It’s like anger has nowhere to go. And a sadness….why are people so mean like this, so full of rage? Was my pep talk to him really that horrible? Jeez. Poor me.

(I ask myself these questions almost simultaneously while doing The Work….why am I so full of rage? Can I find how what I said WAS horrible?)

Is it absolutely true, all these things I mention, all this pain about him?

In the breath, I look around and see outside the windshield of the quiet parked car. The world is still underway outside this car.

I stop and sob a minute. So hurt.

Is it absolutely true he is this mean asshole who thinks I’m shit, doesn’t understand me, is manipulative and babyish and rude….and he hurt me?

Back then in my car, I said YES!

Fists gripping the steering wheel. Then back to writing.

Now, as I look back doing this work….I can’t say it was absolutely true.

No, it wasn’t.

I don’t know, I don’t know. I have no idea of the entirety of what was going on there. What came out of it was an important and very good change. So, no, it was not absolutely true….even if I have doubts. I survived, I had happy moments, I wasn’t all-hurt-all-the-time. I’m not even sure “I” was hurt. Wow.

How do you react when you believe these thoughts?

In writing, I look at each thought one at a time. I want to give my mind clarity, not get scattered, settle down. I want freedom.

The silent part of me can see how I’m sitting in a quiet car, alone, and how peaceful this moment is EXCEPT for my thoughts.

How do I react, when I believe and think these thoughts? I hate. I feel furious. I want to throw a knife. I feel violent. I want to cry. I feel scared. I think I’m right. I think he’s wrong. I think I’m better. I think he’s worse. I think he’s the source of pain, not my own thinking. Wow.

This isn’t just “defensive”, it’s the energy of war.

So who would you be without the belief? Without the thought that this list of horrible qualities I’ve written down and offenses and meanness are all true?

Hold still.

What would that be like, if the thoughts you have about someone who you think hurt you…..were not true?

What would it be like to not have the thoughts in your head at all? Like, if you couldn’t think them?

This is not denial, not playing mind-games with yourself trying to be nicey-nice when you do NOT feel nice.

But remember how I wasn’t so sure my thoughts were the Absolute Truth of All Time (as if I was God) anyway….and after some time passed I realize my thoughts about this person might not be true at all?

In that moment I felt so hurt and criticized, what was happening really?

Memories. Movies playing in my head. Very quiet car, rain pattering on windshield, skin on steering wheel, things (called cars and people) moving about.

As I remember the words, the letters on a screen I read, I realize without the thought, I’d be a person reading a text (and not even that, since it’s a memory) and no one ever yelled at me. No one ever screamed for me to stay away from them. No one ever said I was shit, or they didn’t care about me.

I look more closely, I spend time there looking instead of picking up a verbal baseball bat to prepare to hit.

Because fetching a baseball bat, whether physically or with words, is actually…..hell. I can feel in the heartbreak, in the turmoil, how hellish it really is.

As I sit and look with this space of a breath, and not believing what I’m thinking is 100% true, I see a person in my mind (my friend), trying to do the best he can. And he even said “I am completely at peace.”

Wow, I didn’t even hear (believe) those words. Why not? Because, they are actually at one level entirely true, no matter how he’s acting or what he’s doing.

Turning the thoughts around:

He does care about me. I don’t care about him. I don’t care about myself. I think I’m shit, I think he’s shit. I’m an asshole. I’m a big fat baby, and a victim, in this situation. He’s so direct and clear. I don’t understand him, or myself. I’m a liar. I’m sick. I hurt him.

What if these were just as true, or truer?

I slowly, carefully, with unconditional acceptance for myself, found examples.

And then….this boiling energy, and hurt energy, lifted and seemed to vanish instantly.

I became aware of how much I love him, and also don’t have to be his best friend. I don’t actually see him all that much, I realized. I don’t know in depth about his life, I’ve assumed a lot, and what I heard at that time via text scared me, I replied with advice “you’ll get through this”, so he would settle down and stop being so upset.

I really was a liar!

I was scared of his opinions, and scared of his temper. I didn’t want to show how sad I felt, how scared, and how horrified I was about his troubling story and life circumstances.

I covered all that up and told him “in the end you’ll be OK” and honestly, I don’t even know what OK looked like. The situation he had shared with me sounded absolutely awful, with many people getting hurt and acting crazy.

I dismissed his situation, I didn’t care about him.

The truth would have been to write “Your situation sounds truly awful. I don’t know what to say. If you want to do The Work, I’m here. If you want me to listen, I can do that–but barely. I’m feeling pretty sad about it.”

I hurt him.

Oh.

I hurt myself, too.

I got very caught up in someone else appearing to freak out (which I don’t know was actually true) and I freaked myself out, about their situation, in zero to 60 in less than one second (the time it took to read a text) and started ladling out advice to get him to stop freaking out, so I could, too.

Wow.

“For thousands of years we’ve been told not to judge–but let’s face it, we do it all the time. We all have judgments running in our heads. Through The Work we finally have permission to let those judgments speak out, or even scream out, on paper. We may find that even the most unpleasant thoughts can be met with unconditional love…..This doesn’t mean that you have to invite your enemy to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see the person again, you may even divorce him or her, but as you think about the person, are you feeling stress or peace?” ~ Byron Katie