Yesterday I spent time contemplating a moment when I’ve felt I’m not enough.
It’s called Morning.
Don’t get me wrong….I LOVE the morning. I’m such a morning person, always have been. I love waking up with a big open wide day ahead of me. I usually sleep really well. I sleep deeply. I wake up feeling good physically, sometimes kind of excited.
And yet, often, within literally 60 seconds of eyes open, still lying down in bed, the lists appear.
I wrote about this thoroughly in my Eating Peace note, and I know some of you get both Grace Notes and Eating Peace notes in your inbox, so don’t worry, I’m not going to talk about the same exact thing today.
But those lists. Holy Smokes. If you take them seriously, it can be stressful.
And here is one very painful idea that might be on your list, that is something kind of subtly twisted that the mind spouts off sometimes, and can make you feel sad and resigned.
It’s the belief that YOU are the problem.
Not other people. YOU.
You don’t feel light and happy because of this knowledge. It’s not like “oh goody, I only have to worry about myself, not those other jerks, whew what a relief.”
This is more like “it always comes back to me, I am completely f*&%ed up, I’m a loser, I never get it, I never change, I’m stupid, I can see this is all me, not other people, I know I need to grok something here but I keep missing it.”
Awhile back I had the sweetest client who was working on his relationship with his elderly mom.
He had done mega self-help programs. He was a therapist. He had spent 40+ years researching human behavior and happiness. He had a lot to say about his mother, her childhood, his childhood. He had great understanding of how everyone was hooked up in personality, what was going on in this difficult relationship.
When he went to write a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, he said something I hear again and again from inquirers….
….I already know this worksheet isn’t about my mother, it’s about me. I already know I need to change. I can hear the turnarounds in my head as I write them all down on paper. If I write down that she’s a bitch, I already know that I act the same way and that I’m an ass.
Ouch.
This is not doing The Work.
Not if you think all this and feel self-criticism, discouragement, anger, resentment towards yourself, or self-hate.
Not if you’re SURE you know what the problem is, and it’s You.
“Explore being open to possibilities beyond what you think you know. There’s nothing more exciting than discovering the don’t-know mind. It’s like diving. Keep asking the quesion and wait. Let the answer find you…..When the mind asks sincerely, the heart will respond. You may begin to experience revelations about yourself and your world, revelations that can transform your whole life, forever.” ~ Byron Katie
What if you stopped being so sure it’s YOU all the time?
Who would you be without that belief that when you feel stress, something is wrong with you, and you should fix it (with The Work or whatever else you know about)?
What if you stopped thinking you need to change….at all?
What if you just relaxed about all of it, without giving up in disgust?
What if you turned your thought around that it’s always YOU that’s the problem, in any situation where you’re having trouble with other people….
….what if you tried on the crazy idea that it’s NEVER you that’s the problem when you have troubles with other people in your life, like your mother?
How could this be as true, or truer?
Here are my examples:
1) This mind is running like a little machine, busy with spewing out thoughts that it learned when old enough to think. Did “I” do that? No.
2) This experience with another person who bugs me or incites anger, fear or sadness inside me is magnetic, I get pulled to looking at it, thinking about it, ruminating over it, fascinated by it over and over again…maybe that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me, but instead that there’s something important here to investigate.
3) I am not ‘letting’ something bother me when I should not let it bother me. If I could control that, I would. Maybe it’s supposed to bother me, since it does.
Maybe I am sensitive, loving, caring, and tender on the inside. That’s why I care about this tricky and disturbing relationship, because I’m not being real and loving with ME when it comes to that person.
I’m believing I hate that person, or I think they hate me….which is a lie.
I love that person, I’m connected to her. We’re humans in this soup called planet earth, together.
“If you’re not trying to make people fit into your preconceived notions of what you like and dislike, you will find that relationships are not really that difficult. If you’re not so busy judging and resisting people based upon what is blocked inside of you, you will find that they are much easier to get along with–and so are you. Letting go of yourself is the simplest way to get closer to others.” ~ Michael Singer
This includes letting go of your own thoughts about things being your fault. Letting go of your preconceived notions about YOU and that you don’t like “x” about you and you do like “y” about you.
What if your relationship with yourself were not really that difficult? What if you didn’t have to resist who you are, especially when it comes to other people?
What if how you’re reacting is OK?
Welcome to The Work.
Much love, Grace