A man on a blind date once said to me “I find you ugly”.
In our society, this is generally considered soooo rude, right?
In a flash of him saying it, my stomach felt nauseated, my chest felt hot, my heart beating, my face flushed and turning red.
I felt like a caged animal. I gotta get outta here. Yet I was frozen in my chair.
I tried to control my tears with all my might.
Like this fist came in a said “whatever you do, absolutely do NOT SHOW that his statement has affected you.”
So first, the painful statement….then….I also have to deal with my own inner commander telling me not to allow him to see the pain.
I see that situation as an amazing one for understanding now. So blunt, so direct, so confusing!
Many of us aren’t around people who say caustic things very often, or make stabbing remarks, or yell, or cuss at us.
And when there are pretty uncommon and punchy words, it’s surprising!
So let’s examine this situation.
Why is it disturbing, anyway? Seriously? I mean, what’s wrong with ugly?
You would have thought from my inner immediate reaction that he was about to kill me, or that he punched me in the stomach.
But there were still two people, sitting on chairs in a coffee shop. That’s it.
He just hurt me.
Is it true?
Physically, no. Space and calm were everywhere around, air, mugs, tables, other people, floor, dust, napkins.
So is it true that he hurt me emotionally? Is it true that his words were painful?
Yes, although, hmmm. If I were deaf, or if I didn’t actually HEAR those words, then I would have remained comfortable.
My interpretation of the words was painful. I believed he was saying many other things, besides “you’re ugly”. I believed it meant a whole suitcase load of very painful truths.
So I didn’t actually really know that HE just hurt me.
No. Not absolutely true.
How did I react when I believed the thought that he hurt me?
The suitcase of stressful beliefs exploded open about other people (especially men) and their preferred opinions of me.
I thought his words meant I was unworthy, rejected, hated, disliked, worthless, unimportant, and cast aside.
I thought his words meant I was not measuring up in the attractive department, and therefore I would be single, alone, and lost for the rest of my life.
Wow, so much, so instantly, from one comment.
If he had said a piece of art on the wall was ugly, would I have had trouble breathing?
So who or what would I actually be, in that very moment, without the belief that he hurt me, or he shouldn’t have expressed his opinion, or that I am worthless?
A whole world opens up of beliefs to review. A whole world of freedom becomes possible.
Wow, all that time I thought I was supposed to be beautiful, in order to be liked! OMG!
All that time I thought I was supposed to be admired, that men were supposed to find me appealing, that I needed their approval!
Without the thought that I need him to think I’m pretty, or that I need a man, or that I will be alone, or that I am rejected and worthless in this situation….
….I hear his words, and they enter me and pass through me instead of gripping me in the chest like a piano just fell on my head (like in the cartoons).
Without the thought…I might have asked him what he sees, what makes him say that right now.
I might have learned a lot (actually I did, later, when I did The Work).
I turn the thought around.
I have not just been hurt by him….I have been hurt by my own thinking.
Being ugly to someone does not mean that I am rejected, worthless, or that I will be alone forever.
And what about my own opinion of myself? Don’t I look in the mirror and find flaws, for most of my life?
Wouldn’t I absolutely love to still adore myself, even though I find parts of myself ugly sometimes? Do I notice how I love other people even though I am sometimes repulsed or frightened by their appearance?
Isn’t it actually far truer that I do adore what is inside me, and inside others?
Can I love myself in the presence of this human, who just hacked apart my ideal fairy tale version of this situation?
Haven’t I always wanted to be free to be whatever I am, and end the War on the Body and Appearance and Striving For Perfection?
Well…I just lost. War Over.
Nice.
“Through you, I come to know myself. Without you, how can I know the places in me that are unkind and invisible? You bring me to myself. So, sweetheart, look into my eyes and tell me again. I want you to give me everything……if you say one single thing that I have the urge to defend, that thing is the very pearl waiting inside me to be discovered.” ~ Byron Katie
Much Love, Grace