This past weekend, I was facilitating my Saturday morning dance and dripping with sweat and bursting with inspiration, as usual, and I decided to do a few cartwheels.
A few cartwheels is not a big deal for me, I did them non-stop from age 10 through 16 and then often beyond that, so they are kind of part of my natural movement.
But then I felt myself pretending I was on the gymnastics mat from almost forty years ago (astonishing, as it seemed like yesterday) and go for a round-off.
Suddenly I was back in my memories and living them out right in that moment….the run, the build-up, the intention to go hard, fast, and push off the floor and fly into that awesome movement of palms down to the floor, body flipping upside down and over, feet landing with a great spring and jump….
….and as I soared through the air, in my fantasies and in real life…..I felt a searing pain jab through my entire right leg from upper hip, shooting down into my knee and even my foot.
I did not fall, but it felt like my right hip was ripped out of the socket (that could be a little dramatic).
Thirty seconds later I was talking to myself “Yeah, that’s right. Walk it out. Keep moving, don’t sit down”.
I couldn’t have sat if I wanted to, there was such a huge pain in my right butt cheek.
I felt nauseated.
And then, I felt scared. And defiant. Like…OK that happened and NOW it is going AWAY.
Right? Universe? Hello?
In that moment of pain, and then the moments that followed, the mind kicked in with commentary about the situation.
- Should I go to urgent care? But I’m still walking.
- I need to know what happened, I need an assessment of the damage.
- I’m an idiot.
- Don’t let anyone see that you just did this to yourself
- I am aging, just like everyone else. I can’t do gymnastics anymore (and this is terrible).
- That was stupid.
- Now I’ll miss: birthday party, bike ride, work, driving, doing whatever I want, accomplishing things around the house, writing (can’t sit up)
- I can’t stand lying flat all day long, this is boring
- I should welcome this opportunity like a meditation retreat
- boy howdy, I’m not putting up with my no-dairy diet today! forget it!
Alarm bells! Panic Button! World War Z!
On the way home, wincing a bit and furrowing my brow, I could see my mind panic with visions of my end of life, no more dancing, sitting all crinkled up in a chair at age 100, suffering, remembering my life in gymnastics all those years ago.
Sad, upsetting, life-is-rough-then-you-die, down with pain, the beginning of the end, its over!
Thank goodness, as I took some turns into zombie-belief-land, turns out I had made a date to trade sessions in The Work with a very dear facilitator.
I wrote down my judgments on my hip, and all the ways it should change.
The most important being….it should not have gotten hurt. That simply shouldn’t have happened.
I watched my mind have a hissy fit. I made coffee and put half and half in it, even though I’ve been consuming no dairy for a few weeks. I felt sour.
I texted the two most top-level athlete friends I know and asked them for advice. One said something about tears and operations to reconnect ligaments.
I didn’t like this situation.
Stop. Is that true?
Even with the mind strategizing all the ways to heal quickly, prevent it from every happening again, and chide me for being stupid….can I really know that this SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED.
Because it actually did happen. So arguing with reality is a bit, ummm, presumptuous.
“I don’t order God around. I don’t presume to know whether life or death is better for me or for anyone I love. How can I know that?” ~ Byron Katie
WITH the thought that this event shouldn’t have happened, and I should not be hurt, I am entirely focused on the hurt. The worry. Imagining my days ahead. Sorry for myself. Angry with myself.
WITH the thought that this shouldn’t have happened…cream in my coffee suddenly becomes necessary. I need things to taste good.
Stop again. Who would I be WITHOUT the thought that this should not have happened?
Such a bizarre and foreign question. The mind normally races off, so dang positive its right about getting hurt.
But what an incredible question to contemplate. What if I really did not believe that this was BAD BAD BAD? What would that be like? Who would I be then?
It’s an adventure. Everything I thought I was doing is cancelled. Open territory.
I’m right up into the deep questions of the cosmos. Not caught up in the to-do list and busy.
Everything stops.
I enter the opposite field, where all is well. I am studying this experience, instead of raging a war with it.
- I lie down and take ibuprofen medicine
- I don’t need to know what happened, or become a doctor and understand the entire gamut of possibilities and hip anatomy
- I’m a normal human being, not a zombie OR special
- I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of
- I am aging, just like everyone else, halleluia. What a fascinating path.
- do I really need to do round-offs to have a happy life?
- That was brilliant!
- Now I’ll gain: slowing down, staying home, watching a movie with my daughter, watching another movie with my husband, reading about Buddhist practice in business, doing nothing, having time to do The Work with my friend for 2.5 hours
- I love lying flat all day long, this is exciting
- this IS like a meditation retreat
I watched the advantages come alive about this situation, because I decided to look for them, not resist them.
Watching myself be human.
“When inquiry is alive inside you, thoughts don’t pull you away from loving whatever happens, as it happens. Pain is always on its way out; it’s the story of a past.”~ Byron Katie
In the moment of the round-off pain did I love it? Well. My mind did not. It was doing its Emergency Management thing.
But I notice that now, a few days later, and after doing The Work, I am relaxed, quieter. Writing this sitting up.
Drinking a cup of tea with coconut milk.
Love, Grace
P.S. If you’re like me and you need support to stay in inquiry, connecting with other wonderful humans all of whom are interested in remembering to question their thinking….then come join either the One Year Program (fantastic small group of genius inquirers) or the 8-week Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass. Both meet on Thursdays.