Yesterday, I got the privilege of facilitating self-inquiry with someone who was afraid of public speaking.
What a common and excruciatingly stressful human experience.
It doesn’t have to be “public” speaking we’re afraid of….it can be “private” speaking, small group speaking, one-on-one speaking.
Any time we’re afraid of saying what we’re thinking, feeling, suggesting, stating, or even asking for something we want OUT LOUD.
As this sincere and thoughtful person questioned her belief, I remembered all the times I didn’t raise my hand in class, or voice my opinion with a group of friends as we chose a restaurant, or tell the person on a romantic date that I didn’t like the movie choice, or share something in a talking circle.
I sat through an entire feature film of Pink Floyd when I was too young to understand why someone with such a weird name would be playing guitar in the desert.
So what are the most common thoughts about speaking, especially public speaking, where many people might be looking at you and listening all at once?
- they are judging me
- I don’t want to be boring, ineffective, slow, confusing
- I need to keep their attention
- I need to be funny
- I want them to be amazed by my wisdom, power, wit, confidence, humor, brilliance
- they should think I’m awesome, interesting, helpful
- I should make a difference in their lives!
The image of the Perfect Speaker Me is over there, hovering in the mind in the back of the room….and I’m hoping, waiting, and demanding myself to be like that.
Not like this…..with sweat forming in my arm pits, my stomach slightly nauseated, my voice all jittery, and my heart pounding into my ears.
So on top of what I should look like and offer the audience, I also should NOT feel nervous, anxious, unclear, or mixed up.
But I do feel these things.
I am arguing with what is reality. I am against what happens to be true, in the moment.
Together the inquirer and I investigated the idea that she should be confident, even though she wasn’t.
What do you think YOU should be, that you aren’t?
People seem to think these kinds of thoughts all the time, every single day.
I should be thin, I should be peaceful, I shouldn’t have cravings, I should be happy, I shouldn’t be depressed, I should be joyful, I should be in the now, I should be free, I should be enlightened, I shouldn’t be worried, I should be calm, I shouldn’t be nervous, I should be young, I should be pain-free, I shouldn’t be lonely….
….this can go on forever.
I know when I believe this sort of thinking, I am seeing myself as lacking something, needing an adjustment, needing to “get” something.
I seek for answers, I read, I mull, I gather information.
Who would I be without the thought that I should be confident, or strong, peaceful, or powerful…that I should make a difference to people or be engaging and entertaining and funny?
Who would I be without the thought that I need to stop being so dang nervous?
As I imagine who I would be without the thought that I need to be “x” then I find I find the whole scene pretty funny.
Really? Not thinking I should change? WOW!
You mean, in this particular moment where I am afraid of the audience and nervous as I walk onto stage and sweating as I begin my speech and deliver information….
….that this experience doesn’t need to change, in order for me to be happy?
I would simply notice: woman with beating heart, huge big energy running through the body, seeing the faces all looking this way, seeing the human eyes directed toward me.
Then I would notice that the fluttery excitement changes, and I begin to talk, or whatever happens next.
Even if I am only speaking to one person, and I am afraid to say something to them, without the thought that it could go badly, that they could judge me, that this is a terrible risk….
…..I begin. My voice trembles, feelings course through me, and then they shift.
What are the turnarounds to these ideas I think of as so very stressful about speaking?
- I am thrilled and grateful for their judgments, and I hope they share them in great detail, so I can know the listeners and improve my message or delivery
- It’s totally fine to be boring, ineffective, slow, confusing….it helps me learn to develop passion, effectiveness, precision, speed and clarity!
- I need to keep my own attention
- I don’t need to be funny (except to myself)
- I want only to be amazed by their wisdom, power, wit, confidence, humor, brilliance, and enjoy all this in me
- I should think I’m awesome, interesting, helpful
- I should make a difference in my own
life! And the audience should make a difference for me!
“Happiness is the natural state for someone who knows that there’s nothing to know and that we already have everything we need, right here now.” ~ Byron Katie
What would it be like to give a speech, go on stage, bring up that difficult topic…without believing that whatever happened before, during or after the words were spoken, was bad?
“I find that life never falls short and doesn’t require a future. Everything I need is always supplied, and I don’t have to do anything for it. There is nothing more exciting than loving what is.” ~ Byron Katie
Now go out there and speak, or be very quiet, and enjoy yourself!
Love, Grace
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