On my way out of Bali, as I sit in the busy airport here with many people scurrying by and tons of languages flowing through the air, I’m reflecting on all I’ve seen, learned, felt, and taken in for 3 weeks.
Here I am, ready to say goodbye to paradise (as the big sign says).
Interestingly, I have to tell you about a most fascinating travel experience, the opportunity here to discover underlying money beliefs….in the middle of a thing called bargaining.
Many countries of the world engage in “bargaining”. Negotiating, dickering, bantering, haggling, cuttin’ a deal, finding agreement.
In Bali, there were goods spread out in the market, with no prices on anything.
When I saw a beautiful lace traditional kind of sweater that I was interested in buying, and I asked “how much?” the woman said “how much do you want to offer?”
Gulp! Um. Er. Uh. Really?
This is killing me! The woman was waiting, looking, with penetrating eyes.
Quick–I looked around uncomfortably, with a shifting glance, hoping someone would step out of the woodwork to help me.
Stressful thoughts enter, like a little army marching in:
- I could offer her anything? That’s too hard!
- I can’t offer $5! She could get insulted and become angry, or withdraw, and then I won’t get what I want.
- I have to know what the “insult” line is beforehand
- If I offer too high and she says instantly “yes!” then I’ll be stuck knowing I paid more than I needed to pay, I’ll be obligated to cough up the money
- I can’t change my mind
- She thinks I’m rich (which is dangerous, if she doesn’t feel rich)
- I might get tricked
- I quit! I can’t shop here!
No! I don’t like the sweater! I walked away, without ever saying a word.
Lordy, the thoughts were suddenly there, BAM! Showing me what I imagined could be true in this strange moment of two humans from different sides of the world considering making a trade.
The thing that’s so fascinating about these beliefs, when I look at the list, is that often, we humans have these same kinds of beliefs in our relationship with other people when we want to ask them for something.
It doesn’t have to be money.
I decided to inquire and do The Work. I realize I’m imagining uncomfortable things can happen, and a big lack of trust.
I look at “she’ll get insulted if I make a low offer”.
I ask myself what is so frightening or bad about her getting insulted?
What about anyone in your life? Let’s say you want time, money, attention, connection, and you want the exchange to feel super easy for you (a “low” offer)?
What is worrisome about that?
Because I want this to go well, I want that person to like me, I want them to feel satisfied (not jipped), I want that person to feel good about interacting with me, I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable, everything needs to be fair….if they feel safe and secure, then I can feel safe and secure.
“It’s bad to insult someone by asking for something I want”.
Is that really true?
My first answer is yes. It feels like it’s bad. I don’t want to insult anyone. I need to be careful. I need to see everything from THEIR side as a form of protection.
But is it absolutely true that it’s BAD if I insult someone by asking for what I want?
No.
That person is allowed to feel whatever they feel, including insult.
That person has their own life, their experience, their beliefs.
And I do NOT know for sure that they are insulted, or that it is my fault if they are.
How do I react when I believe that it’s bad if I insult someone by asking for what I want?
Very careful. I stay quiet. I check out all angles on my wants before I speak up. I make sure I am appropriate, acceptable, that I anticipate someone else’s reaction before I ask anything.
I am in their business.
I treat them like they are unable to manage their feelings, that they could hurt me, that they could become offended (and that would be horrible).
I treat myself like I am capable of ruining someone’s day. I feel guilty, apologetic. I excuse myself or walk away. I don’t participate.
How do I react when I believe the thought “it’s bad to insult someone when asking for something I want?”
I do not ask for what I want.
Who would I be without the thought that I could insult someone at any given moment, and I need to be careful?
This does not mean I barge through, crush everyone in my way, elbow people out, walk over people, demand that I get what I want.
That’s the flip side of the exact same coin (speaking of money) of winning, losing, grabbing, controlling.
I have found that when people feel scared of offending other people when asking for what they want, another way they react is to put up a barrier, and demand what they want.
It’s not that.
Who would I really be if I didn’t believe the thought that the whole asking/responding dynamic MEANS risk, confusion, guilt, insult, fear, worry, should/shouldn’t, caring, love, approval, fairness?
What if anyone could ask anything, and then get an honest response…without it meaning something ELSE?
What if a “no” is fantastic and a “yes” is fantastic, both important, good, honorable, honest, simple?
Who would I be without the thought that I might insult someone if I ask for something I want?
I would be free. I wouldn’t have to be careful. I wouldn’t worry about the response of others when I ask for something.
I wouldn’t get mad at people for asking ME to do things I don’t want to do. I’d just say “no”.
I’d have a lot more fun asking for what I want!! I’d laugh when I got it, and chuckle and keep going (or not) when I didn’t.
I’d keep asking until I got what I wanted, like when Byron Katie suggests that if you need a job, go to the first store and say “will you hire me?” and if they say no, go to the next place, and keep asking if it takes 1000 people.
Turning this belief-system around about money and asking, I find an opposite recipe for how to live, without fear of negotiating when it comes to money, or anything else for that matter.
- I could offer her anything? Oh how very exciting! WOW!
- I can offer $5! She could get insulted and become angry, or withdraw, and then I can say, how about $10? I can check what’s right with me on the inside, and trust it.
- If I offer too high and she says instantly “yes!” then I’ll be privileged knowing I paid exactly what I needed to pay, I’ll be honored to give the gift of money
- I can always change my mind
- She thinks I’m rich! Halleluia, that’s a great way to see me!
- I might get blessed
- I join! I can shop here!
I went back to the store a few days later, after self-inquiring.
Me and that shop owner had a fantastic time, laughing and making faces and communicating without speaking each other’s language, and I offered less than half and she said “no! no!” and frowned…and then I waited, and she made an offer back, and we laughed, and connected, and I now am flying home with a gorgeous pale pink lace hand made Balinese women’s sweater.
I had a blast haggling it out. Everybody happy.
If you find that you have money thoughts, and trouble asking, negotiating, setting fees, asking for a raise or a job….if you find you feel negative about money, and “earning” it or spending it or needing it or wanting it…
Come join the Money teleclass. We look at money, buying, selling, promoting, marketing, asking, not-enough, needing, wanting, believing stressful thoughts.
And if you really know you can’t spend the money to take the class…ask for what you want. You never know, you might get it, before you even have to ask 1,000 times!
“What stories we assign to pieces of paper! Rich or poor, we believe the same stories over and over again. Isn’t it time for you to end that suffering? Financial freedom is not about manifesting new cars or high-paying jobs. It is about being absolutely secure and loving whatever reality brings you. The truth is that you’re supposed to have exactly as much money as you have right now. No more, no less. How do you know when you’re supposed to have more? When you do. How do you know when you’re supposed to have less? When you do. Realizing this is true abundance. It leaves you without a care in the world.” ~ Byron Katie
Love, Grace
P.S. One space left in Horrible Food Wonderful Food starting Tuesday 5:15 pm Pacific time and two spaces left in the One Year Program of Small Group Inquiry together.
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