There are some great, wide open, ever-developing questions in life…like what This all means?
But today, after many existential conversations lately (and they may never end) like “who are you?” I noticed the fun of going back to basics.
A wonderful inquirer was working on her desire to make a decision about a boyfriend this morning.
Should she stay or should she go?
What a common human question around relationships…but also moving, changing jobs, pursuing education….so many areas where the decision will apparently make a difference in life.
When I was a teenager and then later into my twenties (really, it is still part of my personality, just no angst about it now mostly) I had a TERRIBLE time making decisions.
Not only did I have a terrible time knowing which way to turn, which avenue to pursue, and whether to choose Yes or No, I also thought it was awful that I had such a difficult time MAKING the decision in the first place.
I had a lot of ideas that people who make decisions quickly and clearly are more powerful.Better. So of course, if I didn’t KNOW yet what to choose, I also felt secretly bad about myself.
Anyone having a hard time making a decision….I find out first if they’re judging themselves for NOT making one. They can question whether or not they really need to make one, really really right now.
They can question the thought “I SHOULD make a decision”.
But let’s say that part is handled, and they still have trouble deciding. They still feel anxious, or weigh the pros and cons, or research until after midnight, trying to “get” the answer.
What else might be going on?
There is something very important about this decision. It is life-changing. To get married or not, to have a child or not, to sell the house or not.
It SEEMS like it’s a big freakin’ huge decision.
What it has been for me is the perception of there being a RISK. Something to be afraid of.
Finding out what it is, the dangers about the upcoming possibilities after the decision, can offer incredible insights.
- I might feel lonely
- I will lose my current life as I know it
- I could regret my choice
- I’ll never get this person/place/home/experience back again
- I’ll eliminate other possibilities in my life forever
- I will feel bad, stressed, afraid, unhappy in the future…because of this decision
When there is a lot to lose, in your perception, and you really don’t want to lose then decisions can feel hard.
There is nothing wrong with projecting where peoples’ paths take them into a future most commonly, for example, should I attend graduate school or not? I may see that many people who love their work, and who have successful careers, also went to graduate school in a field they loved.
I may see that many people who get married are very content and happy in having one mate. I may see many people who downsize and live in a small home (or who upsize and live in a really big home) enjoy their lives.
As soon as you scratch the surface, however, you’ll see that the formula breaks down, and it’s actually impossible to know what will happen FOR YOU.
All you really have to base your decision on is what is happening right here, right now, in the present moment.
I either move towards or I move away from something in the present. Enough accumulated movements toward or movements away lead to something that looks different, later.
The sweet client decided to rewrite a Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet on her boyfriend.
Rather than focusing on what she should or should not do.
That way, we could look at all the current judgments, thoughts, stressful beliefs, and upsets, and see if she was seeing them with clarity.
“The Master does his job and then stops. He understands that the universe is forever out of control, and that trying to dominate events goes against the current of the Tao. Because he believes in himself, he doesn’t try to convince others. Because he is content with himself, he doesn’t need others’ approval. Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.”~Tao Te Ching #30
My job is to look at my fears, my worry about what I see HERE and NOW.
In the midst of not being able to control anything…not being able to change anyone….how can I feel the deep contentedness with myself no matter what is going on around me?
That person, those events, that institution, this situation…if I am content, I notice that it becomes very clear which direction to turn, left or right…or sit at the intersection for awhile.
I notice what feels like a more easy, contented match, for now, and that’s the way I move.
No idea what tomorrow will bring. Easy to say “yes”, easy to say “no” if its called for.
“When you become a lover of what is, there are no more decisions to make. In my life, I just wait and watch. I know that the decision will be made in its own time, so I let go of when, where, and how. I like to say I’m a woman with no future. When there are no decisions to make, there’s no planned future. All my decisions are made for me, just as they’re all made for you.”~Byron Katie
Weighing, thinking, examining all the possibilities are all fabulous…its a fun way to use the mind. But if you notice lots of anxiety under the surface about whatever decision is made…that’s the call to look deeper.
To do The Work.
And, you will know and be OK if it’s time to say goodbye because something different calls to you…moving away or moving toward, both exciting.
Much love, Grace