I just sat for 15 minutes without starting to type, staring into space, knowing I wanted to say something about Breitenbush and the winter retreat I just returned from.
I see many images of the inspiring joy in people’s faces when they “get” something through self-inquiry.
Someone started skipping on the last day–the way kids do on a playground. She said she was so happy, the only thing to do was to skip. A burden was lifted from her that had weighed her down for years. It was over. Her face was beaming.
I see the delight and fascination of sharing the leadership with the dear Tom Compton, and how we share back and forth with those present, each bringing a different flavor to the process which makes it grander (so my story goes) or more expansive, curiously different and very sweet.
There were exactly equal amounts of men and women participating.
The journey of being with friends in inquiry is quite stunning. The questions raised, the work done, the lightbulbs turning on in peoples’ minds.
Sometimes, a question comes up with a lurch.
Like….hold on….what??
A participant new to The Work suddenly wondered if this whole Question Four thing was such a good idea.
“Wouldn’t a parent, who questioned the thought that they should guide their child, become a blissed-out hippie? They’d ignore and neglect their kid!”
Ah. Question Four: Who Would You Be Without Your Thought?
Sometimes, it’s a little strange. Perhaps threatening.
(If you like videos, I spoke about this same situation and question four on Monday facebook live my facebook page here).
Early on in my practicing of The Work, I found myself a couple of years into the process with a problem that wasn’t changing, wasn’t going away.
I was constantly upset with a male friend who we were sort of dating and sort of not dating. Off again on again. Complicated. All that.
A day came when I found I was seething with anger, for the thousandth time, and I got to speak to Byron Katie about my disappointment and despair to find myself with so much anger and a repetitive worksheet at this guy again.
How many times was I going to have to do The Work on this same person?
JEEZ.
What I didn’t realize, was right there in that very disappointment, I was wishing desperately to be peaceful, kind, loving, and happy with the person I was doing The Work on.
I had my idea of what that looked like, like a vision of the definition of “spiritually on track”. My thoughts were that “good” people don’t go into rages, don’t get super angry, don’t criticize, aren’t selfish, never lie, aren’t greedy.
There was a long list of “rules” honestly. I must strive for those “good” qualities and squelch or move away from the “bad” ones.
But trying to get somewhere with myself and with this man wasn’t actually doing The Work.
Not at all.
That beginner spoke it more bluntly, and she spoke to something that I really did at one time, or was trying to do (it was always failing).
I was ignoring what was genuine for me in that fascinating relationship: I was not really interested in dating him.
When I spoke to Byron Katie about this predicament she said to me: “how do you know you’re supposed to be angry? You are!”
DOH!
I think that may have been the moment I recognized that doing The Work is not about being passive, condoning what’s happening, it’s not about “loving” violence or something terribly frightening and doing nothing.
It’s not about being compliant, easy-going, remaining quiet if you need to speak up, or falsely going into bliss when bliss is the farthest thing from your mind.
That was the moment I knew reality included rage, and it also included a pathway to work with the rage called honest self-inquiry.
I wasn’t eliminating my hatred, anger, fury. That would be like trying to eliminate fire from the earth. Not possible.
But I could tend to the fire, honor it, and move to safety.
The Work gives us permission to be exactly who we are. All those feelings are welcome. They are the energies that bring us awareness of our perceptions of What Is.
Good that they’re here. Let’s not try to get rid of them. They might be present for some important reason.
I’m so grateful to the inquirer who reminded me of the worry about Question Four, the fear of dishonest passivity, the potential to throw away all parts of a relationship and not attend to it with freedom and clarity, and strength.
All those years ago, when I was “working” on fixing myself and my anger with that one individual by doing The Work….I suddenly recognized that what I needed to do was to clearly break up with that guy.
No more “are we dating, or not dating?” No more volatile and confusing conversations. I wasn’t interested anymore in my addiction to my dream of how that relationship should go.
It was over.
The thing is, we also don’t have to be afraid of this desire to be peaceful, blissed out, “in the present moment”, or good spiritual people.
Why did I even come into The Work in the first place? I wanted peace.
It’s not dangerous to want peace, though. It wasn’t dangerous for me to keep doing The Work because I had a goal in mind of Non-Anger and Happy Relationship.
I simply failed.
Question Four is just a question. YOU are the one with the answer.
The question is so big and broad and wonderful, you get to explore and navigate through the mind and feelings all the possibilities. Could it mean x? Could it mean y? Can I see another way, without all my stress?
If your clear and steady path is to devote time to your kids, for example, to care for them, support them, respect your life in parenting….that’s where The Work will lead you. You care about that. You can’t Un-Care about that by answering Question Four.
What I find continuously is the wisdom of the beginner’s mind, the reminders from the beginners I get to sit with, the opening to each new situation I study with wonder–fresh, new, passionate, curious.
What I kind of wish I had spoken more to at the retreat, or more articulately, was that we’re only wondering what it would be like without our story, our interpretation, of a situation or relationship.
We’re not setting down the entire relationship and banishing it, or our feelings, for all time. We’re not abandoning what we love.
In Question Four I’m asking myself who I’d be without my suffering in this situation, in this way I’m relating? I’m asking myself who I’d be without the scary images I conjure about the future, about the past?
I’m asking if I could just try for a moment to be totally and completely open, honest and free to have this relationship I care about go wherever it goes, without me being in charge of the universe (or the future).
It doesn’t mean I don’t speak, care, love, share, talk, act, do, be.
You know what happened with me and that man I constantly did The Work on so many years ago?
I knew to break up with him. I had never, ever in my life broken up with a person (I was 44 years old at the time).
I had never been absolutely clear with a man who I was romantically interested in about my feelings when they shifted.
After that conversation with Katie, I stepped out of the room, I placed a phone call, and I told him it was over, with a feeling of loving power.
Up to that point, I had always disappeared into the mist without a conversation, since age 8 when Ernie gave me a ring stapled inside notebook paper as gift wrap at school.
I was so horrified I never spoke to Ernie again. That pattern repeated itself for the next 36 years.
I’m still learning from Question Four.
The reminder from the participant who was so worried about question four was a brilliant exploration.
I learn from every retreat and gathering with friends in The Work.
Every time. Amazing.
Tom and I are doing a retreat together again June 2-7, 2020. They’ll open registration after January 1st. To come to Breitenbush, you need to call them and sign up.
Breitenbush where we hold this retreat is such a unique place: a conference center that’s been around since the 1940s, an entire community run on its own electrical system generated from the underground hot springs.
A big beautiful lodge serves three delicious vegetarian meals a day cafeteria style. Little cabins stand in rows A, B, C, D, E, F all looking like rustic little Laura Ingalls Wilder prarie cabins; cedar walls and ceiling, a large built-in cupboard and shelf in the corner, soft lamps above the beds, a simple desk near the door, an old-fashioned radiator making the entire space warm and cozy.
There are no keys at Breitenbush. The doors don’t lock. There are no cars at Breitenbush. You park in the great parking lot, load your things in a big cart with very large wheels, and roll all your stuff to your cabin (surprisingly easy). There is no cell phone service, there is no internet.
The place our retreat meets is a beautiful stand-alone meeting house called the River Yurt.
We really have little distraction but our minds, our thoughts, the feelings that occur within….and silence.
All I can say today besides this description of a place in the Oregon Cascades, is I feel full, free, touched and so deeply appreciative of this work and what I get to witness.
How could I be so lucky?
Human beings are so fabulous.
And this is true for me both with and without their stories.
The stories people live through are astonishing. And even more so are the stories people are able to come to peace with.
Or, perhaps the stories I am able to come to peace with.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. The next retreat in The Work of Byron Katie to look at finding clarity about anything disturbing you is May 13-17, 2020 in Seattle. Spring Cleaning Retreat. Mark your calendar. We’ll either be meeting in the elegant retreat house near where I live OR….(exciting and very probable)….my new retreat space in my back yard. People can camp here, stay in airbnb’s close by (lots to choose from). It will be awesome to welcome you to my home.
P.P.S. Come to Friday Free Inquiry Jam Dec 13th.7:45 am PT. (see link above).
thanks Grace fir comments on question 4
Noëlle from Portugal
So very welcome. –Grace
Thank you Grace, a reminder that the mind loves extremes: controlling it all or controlling nothing at all. And then there is noticing where I am at now. And now. And now.
Control…and all or nothing…yes, a lovely way to put it. –Grace