Twice in the past week I’ve had two of the dearest people, who have amazing work to offer the world, express quietly to me….
….I am afraid. Business is drying up. Maybe I’m not supposed to be doing what I’m doing. I’m making very little money.
Wowser have I ever been there.
Walking the tightrope between two worlds, it may seem.
What are the two worlds?
Success and Failure. Heaven and Hell. Love and Hate. Trust and Fear.
One side of the tightrope, the world is plentiful, full of possibility, encourages you to continue to press on. It’s light and airy, without gravity. You can’t fall, you can fly. Wide open empty space and the pulsing feel of rightness, support, trust.
The other side of the tightrope, the world is also full of wide open space, but the space is dangerous. If you enter it, you die. You can fall, there’s no support, the ground isn’t anywhere near in sight. The pulsing feeling is of wrongness, fear, trepidation, worry, panic.
But here’s the deal.
There aren’t really two worlds.
There are two feelings, two experiences, two polarities.
Anything can be happening, and you could be feeling either one of these, or bouncing between the two.
They are feelings, imagination, ideas.
Your feelings point to what you believe is true.
You can’t pretend they don’t.
If you say “I know it’s NOT really true that I’ll fall to my death if I fall off this tightrope” but you’re pretty sure that could happen, then the feeling will remain tight, clenched and full of fearful warning.
You’ll be very, very careful and very, very distraught. Maybe frozen.
If you say “I know it’s God’s will that I’m abundant and prosperous”but you notice you don’t have enough money to pay the rent, then the haunted feeling of self-criticism will keep you angry, frustrated and resentful and very distant from whatever God is to you…..believing there must be something wrong with you or you’re missing something, you just can’t get it right.
You’ll be very, very discouraged and very, very self-condemning.
When you’re discouraged like this, you may indeed need to take some kind of action, but I strongly suggest doing The Work of Byron Katie first.
Question your stressful thinking and feeling.
This is doing The Work on money, support, success, and believing there’s a peaceful place that exists somewhere, and it’s not here.
Support is not here, is that true?
If you need to pay a huge bill, right now….let all your ideas about how you’re supposed to do that fall away.
If you’ve got a pattern of constantly NOT being able to pay all your bills and you’re tired of it….eliminate expenses, apply for other jobs, sell your house, call people and ask them for suggestions on how to stabilize, rent out your house for awhile and go live in a trailer.
Or not. Do none of this. Stay where you are. Watch, notice. Life will makes changes for you.
You might watch your objections arise instantly when I make suggestions for change.
What? Sell my house? That’s ridiculous, that would be total failure, where would I live, I have nowhere to go, I can’t live in a trailer OMG, oh no, oh no, oh no!
What? Get a full time job so I can keep my house? Seriously? I’ll be trapped at an office forever, my creativity will be crushed, I’ll have to deal with a boss again, I hate office buildings.
What? Get a second part time bridge job while I keep offering this beautiful work I love? I can’t do that, it would be a failure, I would HATE doing that job, it’s too discouraging, I refuse.
What? Start paying my debts off slowly, even if I only have $10 a month? That will take too long, I’ll still be paying when I’m 80 years old, it won’t get me where I want, why bother, my whole life will only be all about paying debt.
Six years ago, I was $80,000 in debt. Yep.
This included $50,000 home equity line of credit, maxed out all the way, on my little cottage. Then $30,000 more on credit cards and other unpaid bills and a loan to one of my sisters. I don’t even include my actual home mortgage in this figure, but that was debt, too (still is).
The one thing I can say about that period is, all I could really do is The Work, and notice what was available to me, what was something I could try.
There was a point when I KNEW if I DID go down (lose the house, move in with mom) at least I did everything I could possibly have imagined.
I tried it all, even though a lot of it terrified, embarrassed, or discouraged me.
Who would I be without the belief support is not here?
OK with losing it all, and seeing what remains.
Ah ha. What remains?
A lot, I noticed seven years ago.
“Your awareness can expand to encompass vast space instead of limited space in which you dwell. Then, when you look back at that little house you built, you will wonder why you were ever in there.” ~ Michael Singer