I am going to die.
Have you ever had this thought, and been afraid?
It flashed through my mind when the doctor said “I need to talk to you about your biopsy.”
Bam. A surge of energy coursing through like a firehose from center of my body up out through my chest and throat and face.
No. Not this.
The mind almost didn’t have words…..but it DID have beliefs. It was an internal scream and urge to run.
I might have said to you at the time, if you asked what I was thinking……”nothing. I was in shock, I couldn’t think!”
But that isn’t actually true.
I was afraid I was going to die.
Dying is a bad, bad, bad terrible thing.
We all know that’s true, right?
Everything surged together in time into one penetrating moment.
“You have cancer.”
Exploding on the inside, outside staring with huge eyes. Listening to the doctor’s words with razor-sharp carefulness. Shaking very slightly, showing nothing much externally, part of me knowing I really have no information at this point.
Only the word “cancer”.
That word has so much put on it, it was hard to weed out the thoughts.
Cancer = death.
And death by cancer is the worst. Right?
Is it absolutely true, though?
Yes. Too short. I am only in my forties. I should live until….a ripe old age. I should live.
(I had this thought WHILE I am actually STILL ALIVE, notice).
So cancer = death, and death is bad ESPECIALLY by cancer…..is that really actually true?
No idea.
Well, actually, as I sit and contemplate….no.
I’ve heard death is stunning, beyond belief, heaven, mysterious.
I see I Do Not Know.
Once again, what is true is simply “it’s a mystery”.
I also notice cancer lives here in lots of humans who do not die.
Does anyone actually “die” when they hear the diagnosis “you have cancer?” I’ve NEVER heard of that happening before. But my mind reacts to that word “cancer” as if I am on my way out.
(Um….and this was always true when it comes to the body…I notice).
All that happened when I heard “you have cancer” was a beating heart and surge of energy and ears in wide open alert listening mode.
Those can all be very, very good things.
Who would I be without the belief cancer = death, and death = bad?
From a far off distance, I feel laughter coming on.
I’m here. I’m back.
I’m typing in this moment, and breathing. I look up out the window and see a street outside with pavement, and green leaves all around. I see sky.
I get a taste of the nectar of being here, without any past or future.
I notice I’m not even clear about who “you” is when the doctor says “you have cancer.” Because she’s talking about this body, but I seem to expand much farther than this body. I mean, I see a tree hundreds of feet away, far outside a window.
That whole scene was almost a decade ago, with the whole doctor saying “you have cancer” deal.
That whole scene is a movie in my head in the present, actually.
And here in the present, considering death….
….I imagine it to be the most tremendous journey and adventure I’ve ever taken.
I see it’s got nothing to do with my mind, either.
My thoughts have a hissy fit about cancer and death, but something within here, present right now is absolutely thrilled even though this mind is not so sure.
It says “Let’s Go! Bring it on! Abundant life is shining everywhere! Look!”
I turn the belief around: I am not going to die. I am going to live. This body is going to die. This individuality is going to die. This selfishness is going to die. This fear is going to die.
This “I” is not.
In the Byron Katie event I was viewing until yesterday a man raised his hand in the audience. He spoke with a thick accent. He was from Japan, and very moved by The Work.
He said “Do you know what ‘I’ really means in Japanese?”
He looked around the room, smiling, looking up at Katie, pausing.
“It means Love.”
Is it possible for love to die, altogether, absolutely?
Even if someone has cancer, even if someone divorces you, even if you have a huge fight, even if you personally kill someone else, even if you’re in prison for your entire life?
No love, anywhere in sight?
I haven’t found it to be true yet.
Not even close to true.
“Cancer happens. It has a right to life. Where I live is…what do I know about what’s best for me? If I have cancer that’s fine with me, if I don’t have cancer that’s fine with me. It’s not really my business if this body has cancer. My business is to work with my mind and to keep this body as respectfully as I can, and the rest is all good.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Still many days of Summer Camp For The Mind (all the way until August 7th) so join us for this inquiry blitz with a daily telesession including two weekend 2-hour telesessions doing The Work. Sliding scale. Join any time.