Month: August 2012

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Dictator-Chaos Bouncy House

In my work with many, many people with concerns about their diet and their relationship with food over the past 15 years, from ages 14 to 80, a wonderful awareness comes forward when people realize that controlling themselves vs having zero control is a core human painful experience.

Those of us with painful experiences of eating or not-eating are not alone in feeling out of control and then in control.

I call it the Dictator–Chaos Bouncy House. If you’ve ever been in an obvious addictive pattern of using something, like food, alcohol, drugs, tobacco, gambling….then you’re really familiar with it.

It goes like this: “I am NOT going to let this situation scare me, this person bug me, this experience make me fail”. The body is tight, fists clenched, thinking is directed. Our mind says things like I-will-never, I-will-always, how-dare-you, never-look-back…” This is the Dictator stance.

Then, we want to get away from the Dictator (understandably….have you ever been in a concentration camp?). We want to feel free, alive, I-can-do-whatever-I-want, live-today-for- tomorrow- I-could-die, who cares what happens! The diet can go to hell! All hell breaks loose! Chaos! Wildness! Freedom! Insobriety!

The core beliefs are shouting and very painful “I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!!!!”

This life, this situation, this existence. Even if you have no substantive addictive cycle in your life, the mind loves to think that there is a Problem here. It loves to solve problems. It loves to divide and conquer and analyze and come up with a Plan.

In our Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass today, one wonderful participant spoke of the vast, empty feeling she had when entering her home after a day of being out. Another two thought about entering the house at the end of the day thinking about all that needed to be done….too much.

I remember in the past, if I had an entire evening to myself and I felt even a tiny bit self-critical about something undone in my life, I might choose to enter Chaos instead of staying with the dark emptiness.

Drink, eat, smoke, shop, video, phone, chat, read, computer, gossip, dream…fill it up. Forget about that Nothingness thing or The List of to-do’s.

If I don’t get away from that feeling of emptiness, or fear, overwhelm or anger….that would be terrible. Devastating, too terrifying. So painful, stressful. Nooooooooo!

But then what happens if I don’t HAVE to do something about this empty moment full of loneliness or fear? Am I SURE that there is no one else, nothing else in existence out there (in here?) Am I sure there is no happiness, no sensation of peace possible? Am I sure it is all darkness, hopeless, impossible? Is it true that this is BAD?

“The Master doesn’t try to be powerful, thus he is truly powerful. The ordinary man keeps reaching for power, thus he never has enough. The Master does nothing, yet he leaves nothing undone. The ordinary man is always doing things, yet many more are left to be done. The kind man does something, yet something remains undone. The just man does something, and leaves many things to be done. The moral man does something, and when no one responds he rolls up his sleeves and uses force. 

When the Tao is lost, there is goodness. When goodness is lost, there is morality. When morality is lost, there is ritual. Ritual is the husk of true faith, the beginning of chaos. Therefore the Master concerns himself with the depths and not the surface, with the fruit and not the flower. He has no will of his own. He dwells in reality, and lets all illusions go.~Tao te Ching #38

Here I am in this moment with my empty house and free time, and the Thought Factory offering suggestions for what I could do with this moment.

Can I have a real look at reality, right here even in THIS moment, and not attempt to assert my own will? Is love present here?…..joy?….silence?….no illusions?  I need to do something, I need to feel something different from what is here right now, I am not safe….is it true?

Love, Grace

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Click Here to register for any fall class to learn how to do The Work of Byron Katie on these powerful topics in your life.

 

Horrible Food Wonderful Food – Tuesdays, Sept 18-Nov 13, 2012, 8:15-9:45 am Pacific (no class 10/30)

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven – Saturdays, Sept 22-Nov 17, 2012 8 – 9:30 am PT (no class 10/27) 

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Fridays, Sept 21-Nov 16, 2012 10-11:30 am PT (class one time on Thursday 10/25, no class 11/2)

Money, Work and Business – Thursdays, Sept 27- Nov 15, 2012, 8-9:30 am Pacific Time (no class 11/1) 

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Wanting Money

For some of us, it’s hard to admit how much we desire money. In general, if anyone asked “hey, would you like some money?” we would say yes (or immediately start thinking “what’s the catch?”).

It seems like Money would always be welcome in bigger quantities. Unlike water. Most of us, if we are not thirsty, would not always drink more water if it was around or if it was offered.

I heard Byron Katie once doing a role play with someone about money getting exchanged between the person Katie was talking with, and someone they knew. Katie suggested that if someone said to her “here is 10 thousand dollars” and looked like they were giving it to her, she would say “what do you want by giving this?”

Excellent question. So simple if we just ask…..and the answer to this question is the crux of why we would NOT, in fact, just take more money without getting more details and seeing if it is really OK with us to make that exchange.

I myself used to be so opposed to “owing” people money or owing SOMETHING if I received their money, that I preferred to go without it. It wasn’t worth the worry about whether I had given enough, offered enough or satisfied the money-giver.

Yesterday in our Money, Work and Business class, we questioned the belief “what I do is not worth the fee”. Everyone could fill in the blank on what fee they were thinking about, and what they believed they were doing in order to get that fee, whether it was a job or their own business….it doesn’t matter.

I remember talking with a real estate agent once who made what some of us would think of as a big amount of money. He felt like what he actually did was NOT worth the money he made. But after years of making a living this way, he wasn’t even going to begin considering changing occupations. Too scary to consider having less money.

I also have talked with people (usually women) who feel dependent and so far have exchanged their services of running a home, doing laundry, cooking, taking care of kids in exchange for being supported by a money-getter. They want something more, but they aren’t sure what else to do, so they keep doing the same “job”.

There are so many thoughts that rise up, that are quite stressful, when we want money and we believe we need to do something other than really be ourselves in order to get it:

  • I need to make an impression
  • I can win people over
  • When someone else likes what I do for them, I get money from them
  • I must avoid offending other people
  • I need to be polite and have good manners
  • People will think I’m selfish if I ask for money
  • People will be jealous if they see how much I make

In Katie’s book I Need Your Love–Is That True? she writes about how we humans often get into situations where we believe we need to pretend things in order to succeed. This includes making money, for some of us. She mentions Dale Carnegie and his multi-million dollar best-seller classic book about making friends and influencing people and being a great sales person. And she asks us “how do you react when you believe the thought that you can find love and approval by making yourself more likeable?”

How do you react when you believe the thought that by being likeable, you will receive more money?

There is of course absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever with learning techniques to be a great salesperson…it is only when we find ourselves stressed and full of questions about our own integrity that we need to look more deeply.

What if we stopped pretending anything or thinking we need to shift our behavior in order to get money? What if we question what we believe we need to do in order to have a job, that is stressful? What if we stop thinking WE need to figure out how to help that person over there who is giving us money to be pleased with us?

I have found if I don’t need to make an impression, don’t need to win people over, have no concern with whether or not I am liked, connect to the center of my heart and soul, notice how full of joy I feel in giving and receiving, and question that it matters what other people think….then something has started to flow that is beyond all the ideas about whether or not what I do is “worth” any money.

When we question all our thoughts about money, we naturally become more likeable.

Start where you are, you don’t have to make any huge changes. Start by questioning what it would be like if you didn’t ever pretend….see what your thoughts are about yourself and receiving, giving, and earning money.

“In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don’t try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present. When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.”~Tao te Ching #8

Undoing the stressful thoughts about money and how I dance with it has been one of the most exciting, wonderful things in life. Money us such a wonderful friend. Money is so kind, coming and going as it will, being a form of exchange.

How do you know something is worth anything? Write it down and see what you believe about money. It could change your entire life if you question your painful thinking.

Love, Grace

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Attached To Praise

Many of us notice that we are attached to hearing praise. “Wow, you are so amazing, I love what you’re doing, your work is incredible, you did that so well, you get an A, you get a gold star, I would follow you anywhere, I’m madly in love with you, you’re just so perfect…”

Teachers say these kinds of things to students, parents to children, friends to their friends, lovers to each other, employees to bosses, bosses to employees. Anyone might say this who is trying to get the attention of the other person.

It is VERY interesting to watch the place inside that likes the praise. I now like that person who likes me. I do NOT like that other person who does NOT say good things about me.

I remember when I first discovered that I would begin to “like” someone when they apparently liked me. Mostly with authority figures who seemed to think I was doing a good job. If I did a good job at something, then I should do MORE of that.

I did not want to speak up about things I saw at work or school that might take away that positive talk and reinforcement and good feeling I had. I felt safe, I didn’t want to mess up that safe feeling. They like me, oh good. Nothing bad will happen, like getting fired.

Later in life, I seemed to become interested in men who expressed romantic interest in me, attraction for me…although the suspicion of my own motives began to offer me perspective. Just because he wants me, can I detach from knowing that and ask myself if I want him?

Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with someone who is expressing interest, offering praise, saying they appreciate you, speaking their adoration….this is about seeing that some us of start to FORGET what we like and don’t like, because of what is being expressed.

Most of us are deeply drawn to being truly free. No need to receive positive strokes, hear what others think and hope that it’s favorable. But it’s hard to give up and enter the world of NOT KNOWING and doing what pleases ourselves, what is most kind to ourselves.

Here is a most beautiful test, though, thought up by Anthony deMello, that offers a true awareness of what is possible beyond all this pushing and pulling and going towards and going away from others: pretend you’re ultimately in a conversation with God, Source, Reality, the Universe.

You’re talking to IT, the Bigness beyond you. Now notice what it’s like if you tell God or the Universe that you don’t need it/him/her, or any of the praise that Bigness offers. Hearing how perfect you are does not “make” you move towards God differently, does not make you depend on God or feel attached to God.

What if you could say and feel “I am perfectly happy without you. You are free, I am free.”

Perfectly happy with or without The Universe? But I can’t do this life without some encouragement, praise, being loved, being wanted! Bosses have to like me, partners have to adore me, friends have to say how likable I am, God has to accept me unconditionally. I know what all those things look like, and I need them. I will be lonely without enjoying praise. I will be too detached, that would be weird.

“The difference between theism and nontheism is not whether one does or does not believe in God. . . Theism is a deep-seated conviction that there’s some hand to hold: if we just do the right things, someone will appreciate us and take care of us. . . Nontheism is relaxing with the ambiguity and uncertainty of the present moment without reaching for anything to protect ourselves.”~ Pema Chodron

Adyashanti once said during retreat “Enlightenment is standing on your own two feet”.

I am scared of giving up attachment to hearing warm, lovely praise only because I am imagining that it might be frightening out on the open empty plains all alone with no certainty.

But that’s what many of us really, really want. Total freedom. Not allowing ourselves to be manipulated by anything. Open and wild, trusting it all.

Love, Grace

 

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Addicted To Your Thinking

The process of addiction is something humans have experienced for centuries. We all immediately have a picture in our minds of what addiction looks like…a person doing some wild activity or ingesting something that causes a change in their experience.

We usually have visions of drug addicts or alcoholics lying in the street or sleeping all day. People in bad shape physically.

But addiction can be subtle. VERY subtle. As subtle as a thought.

The mind is busy. It’s running from the moment you open your eyes after sleeping. There is unconsciousness, then consciousness, repeating itself over and over.

The mind loves to think about success, solving problems, keeping safe, and staying comfortable. If there is a perceived threat…it will often kick into high gear, if we haven’t learned that “high gear” mode doesn’t always work that well.

People in a cycle of some addictive process where they use a strong substance like alcohol, or engage in some intense behavior (like crazy spending and shopping) tend to hate feeling strong, uncomfortable or painful emotions.

The thing is, most of us don’t like feeling uncomfortable emotions. But it’s trickier to identify if our attempt to get away from them becomes quiet, more subtle, softer.

Adyashanti, a wonderful spiritual teacher who I mention fairly often, talks about all of us being addicts. Addicted to thinking about ourselves. To moving AWAY from what is happening inside us, away from discomfort.

Excitement is a strong, powerful surge inside humans that usually is thought of as good. It definitely can take you away from other, more unpleasant feelings. When someone is trapped in the addiction cycle, there is sadness or pain, then the thought of the THING that might help you feel better…..oh goody!

The thing that might help you feel better could be planning obsessively for the future, dreaming of your big trip or your new house. The thing that might help you feel better is exercising, maybe even for 2 – 3 hours. The thing that might help you feel better is talking with the person you have a crush on, watching pornography, surprising someone with a gift, donating to a worthy cause (Dr. Frederick Wolverton, a wonderful addiction specialist and therapist, calls this the Oprah Syndrome).

These subtle forms of reaching towards feeling better and moving away from what is present DO have fewer consequences than blatant escapist addiction activities. Thank goodness we don’t wake up in a strange hotel room wondering how we got there.

But the mind in all those situations is committed to NOT staying with what is true. It likes to escape from it. Until you let it have its voice.

Right in that experience when we feel “bad” if we can identify what we are believing and thinking, then we will not have to work to get back to happiness or balance. We take a deep breath and stay, right here. We do not frantically, or even softly, jump into the urge to get away from this troubling place that is HERE and NOW.

This, right here, is not good enough. I am not good enough. Here and Now is not happy, not peaceful. This needs to change!

“Not to be able to stop thinking is a dreadful affliction, but we don’t realize this because almost everybody is suffering from it, so it is considered normal. This incessant mental noise prevents you from finding that realm of inner stillness that is inseparable from Being……All cravings are the mind seeking salvation or fulfillment in external things and in the future as a substitute for the joy of Being.”~Eckhart Tolle

Addicted to the noise of thinking. Addicted to seeking salvation from this present moment, in the next thing we do (in the future).

Good news. It’s possible to stop. In fact, there is a part of us all that is silent. Not noisy at all.

You can investigate this moment and what your mind is thinking. There is something beyond the busy mind that observes, that is calm and sane.

“Now is not quite good enough”—is it true? Absolutely for all time, 100% true without a doubt?

Who would you be without this thought? If you waited for a second, just to make sure this moment doesn’t have some kind of joy present within it?

What would it be like to experience the opposite of that uncomfortable thought?

NOW IS COMPLETELY AND ENTIRELY GOOD ENOUGH. AND SO AM I.

Love, Grace

 

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Looking For Something Means I Don’t Like NOW

It seems true that everyone is looking for something. Whether in five minutes or in during this lifetime….we are looking for excitement, peace, creativity, safety, joy, balance, contentment.

Today, I am looking to get a lot of writing done. Some people are looking for a job, a special relationship, more money, adventure, inventing something new in their lives. Maybe you are looking forward to your kids succeeding or becoming really happy.

Perhaps you seek enlightenment, bliss, being awake. Or having the best in-shape awesome healthy body you could possibly have. Or looking for a cure for your cancer.

I have found, pure looking with my hands clapping together and exuberance…is so much fun. No stress. Simple pleasure, loving my desire, loving my imagination.

But it’s soooooooo easy to click over into feeling FRUSTRATED that we don’t have that thing we’re looking for. Enter disappointment, despair, depression, terror, or FURY!

How come those other people get to find what they’re looking for? How come I don’t have it yet? Why am I not satisfied? It seems like I work SO HARD but I’m still not THERE. I keep getting interrupted, bored, tired, abandoned, discouraged. I don’t have enough time!!

Within a matter of minutes (or seconds) we’re seeing what is lacking. NOT what is here in the present situation that is satisfying and good.

Dang it.

Here’s where investigation of the mind comes in, doing The Work so we have really simple questions (not always simple to answer). Oh good, I get to dive into that “difficulty” and see what it’s here for, see what’s going on.

  • I’m not getting what I’m looking for fast enough
  • the sooner I find it, the better
  • I can’t really have fun, relax or completely enjoy myself until I find ___.
  • this moment/situation/experience could be improved if I had ___.

Things would be good if I had more money, more peace, a boyfriend, a wife….if I stayed on my diet, followed an exercise program, spent more time outdoors….if I meditated more, had time to study, found the right teacher….if I figured out the best tricks for my business growth, sold more products, launched a new offering….if my house was clean, my closet had space, the lawn was mowed.

Who would you be without the belief that you can’t relax, you can’t enjoy your desire, you can’t get what you want, you shouldn’t speak up and ask for help, or that NOW is not good enough?

But if I think that NOW is GOOD, then things will never improve! I will be a saintly pacifist with no accomplishments! I will be bummed out, never “trying” to go for anything. Life will be meaningless. NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE!!

Are you sure?

Could it be possible that I could be thrilled, full of wonder, contentedly happy, kind, and softly relaxed….right in the middle of dreaming about all that money I will have in the future and all the fun I will have in my business or job developments?

Could I be absolutely delighted right now, as I think with joy about my clean house, the mowed lawn, the work I will do on my computer, the open honest intimate conversation I will have with my spouse or my boss?

Could I be having an awesome rockin’ time dancing or attending a party by myself while excitedly thinking of how fun it is to have a date, a partner, a spouse?

Without the thoughts that something must happen, and THEN I will be really happy…I notice it’s possible to be ecstatic right now.

Even if something terrible is happening, like my father is dying….I notice without the thought that this shouldn’t be happening and that I am entirely against it, I cry and my grief flows like a river and I hold his hand and I do not feel desperate.

There is something present in every moment that is content, that is OK. Even the moments that need a slight adjustment, according to the mind, and the ones needing a major overhaul (like death and trauma).

“The plot twist changes. But underlying that, something is the same, and as far back as you can remember…….You think that enlightenment is something other than what is happening right now. This is your primary mistake”~ Adyashanti

If what is happening right now, for me, includes dreaming of running two glorious retreats full of curious, thoughtful people all doing The Work on their hatred or sadness with their imperfect bodies, and their painful addictions, then without a stressful thought about it, I feel such happiness right NOW. It’s SO FUN. I notice I start writing, I know what to do next, right in this moment.

Which way do you think you will get more of what you want? Being against what is happening right now, or being for it?

Love, Grace

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Go Really Slow If You’re In A Hurry

Many of us have a person in our lives who we repeatedly notice brings up stress for us, maybe even every single time we are in their presence. It may be someone you once knew in the past but don’t interact with anymore. But just THINKING about them makes you mad, scared, or sad.

“That jerk! That *&%^$@! I can’t believe they….! I will NEVER speak to that person again! That was the biggest mistake I ever made!”

The mind races. Full of memories, thoughts, ideas, images of that mean, nasty person who was so full of BS or such a rotten, selfish jerk. Or worse.

After I had been doing the Work for a few years, I encountered a person in my life (OK, there may have been several) who brought up unhappiness inside myself constantly. Frustration, anger. It seemed like every time I talked with them, I felt irritation or fear.

“That person makes me so mad!”

When I was believing this thought, I noticed that my body felt very tense, fists clenched, it felt like hot steam was coming out of both ears like a cartoon character. I wanted to RUN AWAY before I hit something! Boiling mad!

Simply slowing down, and not getting scared because I’m angry or scared, is the first step I found towards freedom. This work of inquiry can be about taking the most tiny baby steps towards questioning what I believe. Like even just questioning the thought that the person I’m thinking of MAKES ME MAD.

Is it true? YES! I wasn’t mad a second ago when I wasn’t thinking about them! Now I’m really mad because I AM thinking about them. Jeez!!

But can I absolutely know that it’s true that THEY are making me mad? I mean….there they are being themselves, saying what they say, acting like THAT….and who is reacting with anger? Could there be another way of responding? Am I sure it’s that person’s fault that I am feeling mad?

Who would I be without the thought that they are making me angry? That what they are doing MAKES anger rise inside me? That what they are saying creates this energy of anger in my torso and my fists?

Well. Without that thought, I am curious about where this anger comes from, or what it is. I don’t attack that person so fast, as the responsible party for this uncomfortable feeling of anger or hatred. I don’t want to run away so fast. Getting away doesn’t matter so much.

Gosh. Could it be that this anger came from somewhere OTHER than that person? I look. This takes slowing way down. It’s like taking a 3-D snapshot of this moment right after that person does what they do that “created” anger inside me. I look at this moment carefully. I see my own face. I am feeling confused. I am feeling scared, maybe even terrified. I am feeling hurt.

I am thinking that I know what it means when this person does that…and it’s not good. It means they are tricking me, taking advantage of me, hurting me, not caring about me, not understanding me. It means they can threaten my happiness or peace. It’s dangerous to be in their presence. So here comes ANGER to help out, to offer protection.

If I turn around the thought to “I am making myself angry” I see the truth of this. They are simply being themselves, having their own responses. Being human. They are not handing me a ball of anger. They do not have a magic wand and zapping me “be filled with anger NOW!”

Anger is not streaming like water or light FROM them INTO me. They are not forcing me to be angry, they are not MAKING me become angry. Even if they were holding me down and sitting on me and being violent, I cannot take their anger like a vaccuum cleaner sucks up dirt. The anger has to start from somewhere inside of ME.

So where is this anger actually produced? It’s an energy that follows my thinking. I think they can hurt me, I believe it’s really true, that I could be rejected, taken advantage of, mistreated. When I believe that this is possible, my mind produces the energy force field of anger.

What if it wasn’t possible to think that this person was a threat?

I could replay the 3-D movie again, with so much more curiosity. Frame by frame, I could see where it was in that split second that I thought I was in danger. The exact second that I didn’t believe love was present, that things could be OK no matter what.

Loving what is for me starts with slowing down every moment of any stressful experience to study it, like a scientist. Where do I believe, in this moment, that this is not a friendly universe? What do I really think is true?

“This need to control the flow of life because you somehow feel your well-being or survival is at stake is universal to the ordinary human condition. Generally experienced as tension in the gut, often in the solar plexus or the lower abdomen, it’s the glue that holds together the thoughts, feelings, images, and memories that make up the illusory self.”~ Stephen Bodian

When I am separate from you, and when I believe I MUST be separate from you because you MAKE me mad, I enhance the separation. I live with anger and fear. I see these feelings as necessary for protecting my separate self, for being safe.

Who would you be without that thought that you were in danger, something about you was in danger, when that person did what they did?

What if that moment was perfectly safe, when they did that horrible thing, said those terrible words, ripped you off, ignored you, stole your money?

Can you find anything that could be safe about that moment? Even the tiniest example?

Look at the scene again where that person made you so angry. Look at it and now, tell yourself a new story that this went just the way it did and it was OK. Reality was running itself, all headed towards a loving outcome. Everything becoming balanced, everything offering beauty, gentleness, peace. Love present in any and every moment, even that one.

Slowing that moment down to as slow motion as possible, see what is there. It may change  your entire experience of the same person in the future. You may not experience any anger again when you think about them at all. There they will be, doing what they do, and not “making” you mad.

Who are you, in that moment, when you drop the thoughts that you are threatened?

Open. Unknowing. Expansive, curious, waiting….trusting. Awake!

“It takes no time to be who you are”~ A Course In Miracles

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The Silence We All Have

One of the most comforting, interesting ideas that is repeated by many wise teachers is that we all have some part of us that is solid, unchanging, and kinda beyond this world, beyond the body, beyond whatever is happening.

I was listening to an interview with Stephen Covey, the man who wrote the popular book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People some time ago.

He said “People can’t live with change if there’s not a changeless core inside them.”

Deepak Chopra said “in the midst of chaos and movement, there is a stillness inside you.”

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who wrote so famously on the subject of death and dying said “Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose.”

I used to wonder what this silence was that people mentioned from time to time. When I closed my eyes and tried to meditate and be quiet, it was like a crowd chattering in all different languages, plus a jack-hammer going and some loud beeps like trucks make when they’re going backwards.

I would start thinking about everything. In fact, it even drove me nuts.

One of my favorite things about The Work is that I have questioned enough painful beliefs, it seems, that I began to feel a core inside me that was unchanging, and silent, and very solid and deep.

Great comfort with silence within is an absolutely amazing side-effect of The Work. Once I had questioned my thinking about the things I was most afraid of in all of my life for a couple of years, I decided to go on my first silent meditation retreat.

The first few days, I thought I might go completely bonkers. So many thoughts and voices talking, thoughts like “this is boring” or “I’m not doing this right” or replaying conversations with people I had known 20 years before.

The other day I was riding my bike and listening on my ipod to Katie talk with people about their greatest fears when they lose their jobs or can’t pay their bills. People were talking about how terrible it would be to have only a shopping cart on the street, to be homeless, to not be able to pay their utilities and have no heat or light.

Katie loves to ask “have you ever really NOT had enough? give me a time when you really didn’t have enough, what is that story, the absolute WORST moment.”

I have done this worst-case scenario thinking many, many times. My mind loves to think of scary things and present them, sort of like a fashion show of possibilities. Like my mind is saying “you thought that one was scary? How about this one!”

What a relief to have the question “who would I be without this thought, that this scene or outcome would be TERRIBLE?”

What if everything that happens offers something beautiful?

Katie says “Life will give you everything you need to go deeper.”

I love the deep places, the place inside that is very silent and expansive. All those pictures my mind invents about a scary future or annoying moment in the future, I know they are not real. They’re in my imagination.

Right there in meditation, as my mind is thinking loudly, I can realize that what I’m imagining is not even true, and remember who I would be without this story.

From Loving What Is “how do I know I don’t need two arms [fill in the blank on what you think is missing]? I only have one. There’s no mistake in the universe. The story ‘I need two arms’ is where the suffering begins, because it argues with reality. Without the story…I’m complete with no right arm…”

Wow, if I think about something I thought was missing, like more money for example, and then I drop the story that it is missing….there is an alive, open, buzzing, happy unknown space in the center of me….silent, trusting.

We all have it.

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You Must Not Want It Bad Enough!

Stephen Mitchell, the author and translator of many ancient mystical texts (and married to Byron Katie), writes about non-action in his forward to his translation of the Tao Te Ching: A good athlete can enter a state of body-awareness in which the right stroke or the right movement happens by itself, effortlessly, without any interference of the conscious will.

All of us have this kind of experience in our lives, when things came together without our “trying” to make it happen. We know we want to be “over there”; for example, on a trip to a distant country, at a different point in our career, to change the shape of our body, to stop smoking, to reach peace in a vital relationship, to be on time, to win the competition.

And one day, we are there. Why now?

The thought that I can Do Something and Will myself to go in a certain direction, or will someone else to go in a certain direction, is very difficult to give up, especially if we are the type of person who loves discipline and structure.

Sometimes the sense of a lack of will power is the reason people hire life coaches or health coaches or personal trainers. They say things like “I’m gonna hire that coach so they kick my butt into shape” or “I need some accountability”. There is the person who is the whip-driver and the person who “needs” to get whipped. Power is perceived to be missing from the whippee. Something needs to be done. Things are very serious.

The deal these two people make often assumes that the person getting coached needs to make their will stronger, and to destroy some other loser part of themselves.

  • winners never quit and quitters never win
  • no pain, no gain
  • I’m going to get there, or die trying
  • get MAD!
  • you must not want it bad enough!

Have you noticed that the more you push, cajole, fight, twist, criticize, battle or attack something, the more energy it takes? The more you try to build up power inside yourself using force, the more tired you feel, or more unhappy, or more doubtful, and endlessly dissatisfied?

It does not feel stress-free, peaceful, or fun.

I remember giving up diets forever. They never, ever worked for me anyway. I got as thin as possible and it excellent physical condition, and then there was more effort, and a sense of being imprisoned and having to be alert at all times, cravings and anger at certain foods.

I wanted true freedom. Honest freedom. I wanted to be like I was when I was a child, when I barely remember food. I wanted my natural will, the way it was, to be effortless. I wanted to not have to work on my will power at all, to not think of myself as so lacking.

I had a lot of painful beliefs and thinking to question and Un-Do in order to get back to an uninhibited life around eating and my body. They were base-level core painful beliefs that were not true, like “I am unlovable, my appetite is too big, my feelings are too dramatic, I am greedy.”

Most importantly, I noticed that all of those kinds of thoughts about being fierce, aggressively holding the line, getting mad, or thinking I should be forcing myself to success were the opposite of loving and kind, and not the way I wanted to live.

If I could do it with food and eating, anyone can do it. I took my behavior and thinking to the extreme edges, which helped it all crash and burn. Total surrender. Total loss. Complete failure.

When it is not so serious and you give up fighting, instead of losing, you might find that playing comes alive. Joy, excitement, open to anything. Willing to have a body that does what it does.

“The best athlete wants his opponent at his best. The best general enters the mind of his enemy. The best businessman serves the communal good. The best leader follows the will of the people. All of them embody the virtue of non-competition. Not that they don’t love to compete, but they do it in the spirit of play. In this they are like children and in harmony with the Tao.”~Tao Te Ching #68

I want my aggressive big-appetite self to step out into the open, I want to enter and understand the mind of my obsessive self that gets fixed on things like an addict, I want to be open and supportive to every inch of my amazing body, I want to play with food and eating, explore my cravings, biting into yummy things and then moving on to something else the minute I’m full. In harmony with what is.

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Let The Nightmares Be There

Fear can get triggered by running into a scary person we haven’t seen in years for whom we have unresolved feelings, having an accident, being in an earthquake, surviving a war, over-hearing an uncomfortable conversation between strangers in a store, noticing a disturbing photo, seeing a violent movie.

Without a willingness to stay and look at the thoughts, even though they are so full of fear, they just repeat themselves and keep flashing the images. We have nightmares, trouble sleeping.

Yesterday I watched a science fiction movie. There was one theme I found very disturbing, one set of “bad guys”. They really creeped me out.

So, what thoughts are present that I can work with? I know the only way to deal consciously with these thoughts is through identifying them, identifying what I’m resistant to, to what I am against.

  • there is horror and violence in this world
  • the sickness and terror some people experience through war, torture or violence is unbearable
  • people shouldn’t make violent and depressing movies
  • the capacity for evil is just as great as the capacity for good, this is terrifying
  • I can’t stop thinking about that scene, that situation
  • I am driving myself crazy, my mind is not being helpful
  • I need to shut my mind down 

Through inquiry, I ask myself the question “who would I be WITHOUT the thought that I need to shut my mind down?” Who would I be without the thought that I need to avoid any violent images and scary movies and never think about frightening moments in my life or terrible things that have happened to humans throughout history?

I notice I’m afraid that if I didn’t have the thought that I need to shut my mind off, my mind would just run rampant like a runaway train going bonkers and heading for a dreadful destructive ending. If I really didn’t have the thought that this mind needs to calm down, slow down, shut itself OFF of the nightmare images….then I’d have them all the time 24/7 and life would be hell.

I would NEVER find peace.

Really??! I look again. Am I sure the mind is only interested in turning up the volume on violent imagery? In nightmares? In torturous thoughts? That left to its own devices without being SHUT DOWN, it would explode with constant stressful thinking without end?

Not the most positive attitude towards the mind.

Here’s the mind, being itself, trying to work out the weirdness of violence (or whatever it’s doing) and then another thought, part of the same mind, that it should stop itself and shut itself down.

Kind of harsh, I notice.  Kind of violent.

I love realizing that if I didn’t WANT to shut my mind off, it might calm down all by itself. That it would recognized all the images are not real.

Just maybe, the mind is always heading towards balance and a resting place. Maybe that is its natural condition, and I don’t have to worry that MY mind is some sort of monster of self-torture that I have to fight against.

I realize I’ve had the thought often that I need to shut something down. This has been my thought about other people, events, ideas, circumstances. I’m afraid that if I didn’t have the thought to control something I don’t like, that I would be totally passive and lie down on the ground in apathy or despair. Plus, the thing that needs to be shut down would go crazy multiplying itself and going completely OUT of control.

But living the turnaround, I find, is much easier. “I do NOT need to shut my mind down.”

I let it be as it is. This is only Thinking. Being afraid at the moment.

Stephan Bodian in his book Wake Up Now writes about this mind and its apparent busy thinking. He writes that Tibetan master Thrangu Rinpoche said “The reason you find nothing….when you look for your mind, is that the nature of your mind is insubstantiality, emptiness.” 

Phew. The mind is insubstantial. Very changeable, twisting and turning and getting revved up then slowing down. That’s what it does.

And what if you did not believe that you NEED to shut another person down (like to stop communicating with them, for example) or that you need to shut down a possible bad event happening in the future, or that you need to shut down any chance of losing money, losing your job, losing credibility?

How relaxing it is not to have to apply that kind of lock-down energy towards anything. I enter the I-Don’t-Know reality.

Humility, beauty, love, peace and joy appear. I picture the violence, I see the images of people I’m afraid of or hurt by, I see “terrible” experiences, and I move beyond all these, strangely, by not being so terrified of them, by not being against them. I see that I am not just my Mind. There is something else broader here.

There is a place inside me that is not bothered at all, that doesn’t need to shut down anything. Spirit, mystery.

“Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.”~Eckhart Tolle

As Adyashanti says, “let everything be the way it is.” Just leave it alone and allow it to be exactly the way it is. Those people who bug you, that situation you keep remembering, those weird science fiction monsters that eat people when they’re still alive. Even your precious, busy mind.

Leaving everything alone is better than the alternative. And more grown up, more successful, more peaceful in the end. Try it and see.

Love, Grace

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A Cup Of Tea Experiment

Byron Katie has a wonderful exercise in her book I Need Your Love–Is It True? that I adored doing the first time I read it. Here is the exercise:

“Think of someone you want to impress, or whose love you really want, or who you’re afraid of displeasing or who you think has power over you.

Now imagine having a cup of tea with this person. Imagine that during this time, you don’t make the slightest attempt to influence his or her mental life. Imagine that all you want is to let them have their thoughts, their tea, and their experience. 

What does it feel like to sit in the presence of that person in this way? What do you notice about how it feels to be you? What do you notice about the other person?”

I pick a spiritual teacher who has a huge following, someone many people admire and receive help from about very deep and profound issues. I admire their work enormously. Many people all over the world know their name. I can hardly imagine having tea with them.

I notice first, without the need to impress in any way, that my body feels much calmer, more relaxed, open. I notice I look directly at this interesting person, and they are looking at me. I notice thinking about myself at first that I have nothing really to offer…..and awareness that I thought I should have something to offer.

I notice thinking that I should ask them some questions, perhaps about my personal spiritual practice. It seems sort of ridiculous, though, without wanting to impress or displease or be attended to.

If I were really not making one single drop of an attempt to influence this person, I notice silence, and maybe joyful questions coming out of this silence. I would ask the questions, if they arose. I notice feeling a smile come to my face, so delighted.

If I really were not trying for anything, everything is paused. I notice, there is not really a ME here that needs anything at all. Strange, emptiness. Perhaps neither one of us speaks.

And I stay with myself, neither trying to please or not trying to please. Just there. Moments of thinking “wow, this person I have so admired, right there in a chair across from me”. Yet, I am here, no need for anything, without trying to “get” something from them, including recognition.

“As you identify less and less with the “I”, you will be more at ease with everybody and with everything. Do you know why? Because you are no longer afraid of being hurt or not liked. You no longer desire to impress anyone. Can you imagine the relief when you don’t have to impress anyone anymore? Oh, what a relief. Happiness at last!”~ Anthony deMello

What a magnificent way to live in that moment, having tea, seeing everything around this “me” that apparently is sitting in a chair, with eyes looking out. Table, cup, sky, sounds of birds, smells of flowers, tea, cooking.

Who knows, in this delighted, grateful, relaxed place I might hear THEM ask ME some questions. I notice they really love being here with me, without anyone trying to impress anyone else or help anyone else or accomplish or achieve something.

Without the thought that I need to influence, be remembered, gain anything……I am leaving everything alone, leaving it the way it is. It’s actually hilarious. Here comes laughter!

I would love to hear what comes to you when you do this exercise! Please head for the blog post of this same article at Grace Notes at Work With Grace and share what you imagine, what it feels like, what you notice and learn. Can’t wait to see what you post below!