Yesterday I got to work with a lovely inquirer who speaks for many of us when we’re anticipating something in the future….
….and we feel *NERVOUS*!
It’s not the type of thing we’re gonna cancel.
Oh no indeed, we’re excited about what’s about to happen….
….it’s a party, a speech we’re giving, we’re going to be on stage, we’re attending a conference, we’re taking a big exam, we’re asking someone for something important to us like a date or sex or moving in or moving out, we’re taking a trip, we’re attending a class, we’re starting a degree program.
My client was about to be the solo star in a big classical concert on stage.
The thoughts creating stress and anxiety begin to get louder, the closer the time comes to the event.
Let’s inquire….
What are your troubling thoughts? What’s the worst that could happen?
They need to like it, I want support, I want to make a difference, I should be effective, I want them to love me, I want him to be attracted to me, I want her to comfort me, I must succeed, I must win, I need to do a really good job, I need to be approved of, I need to be appreciated, I want to be relaxed, I want to be peaceful, I should calm down!
Byron Katie often talks about our human desire for love, approval or appreciation.
The very first thing to do, in this predicament, is not get upset with yourself for caring….for wanting love, approval or appreciation.
You shouldn’t calm down, until you do.
I’ve talked with so many people, and seen it in myself so regularly, that it appears to be a very normal reaction to speedy-speedy quick crave approval and then attack yourself for wanting it.
You may have noticed that telling yourself to calm down, or chill, or stop caring so much, or straighten up, or relax, doesn’t exactly work like a charm.
So let’s dial back to the belief that approval, appreciation or love would be freakin’ awesome.
Is it true?
Uh, yeah!?! Right?
Are you suggesting it isn’t? Are you nuts?
I would HATE people booing me off the stage. Or yelling, crying, screaming at me. Or talking to their friends about me in a mean way (“Did you hear her speech last weekend? Awful! I would NEVER attend a workshop with her, what a loser)!
The client I was working with imagined bad reviews in the paper, her critical mother in the audience, some oppressive “watcher” monitoring her for mistakes.
But who would you be without the belief that you could fail, screw it up….or that it would be horrible to be hated, shunned or criticized?
Woah.
So different.
If it were not truly possible to lack love, appreciation, approval?
Gloriously open. Connected to everyone and everything.
Noticing the support of the stage, the floor, the chairs filled with people, the lights, the claps, the eyeballs looking, the ceiling, the air temperature….all the incidents, arrangements, conversations, activity that became this moment, now.
And in the moment before the event happens, in my anticipation, I have only what I am imagining. I don’t actually know what it will be like, until I am there, in the moment.
It can’t be like it has ever been before, it won’t repeat anything from the past exactly as it ever happened previously, and now is only empty space with a quiet room, and pictures in my mind.
I turn the thoughts around:
They need to dislike it if they do, I have support, I don’t want to make any difference, I should be ineffective, I want me to love myself, I want me to be attracted to only me, I’m comforting them, the job I do is just right, I don’t need any approval, I already am appreciated, I want to be excited, I want to be nervous, I should be full of energy!
It’s not possible for me or anyone else to permanently fail or screw up (it could be entertaining if we do)…and I am willing to be shunned, hated, criticized or judged.
Wow, seriously?
Yes.
I notice everyone is their own unique life, that’s the way it works.
Everyone, themselves. Including me. Including you. On stage, or off stage. Judged or loved. Accepted, not accepted.
Nothing you can actually do about it.
“Anyone in harmony with what is has no past to project as a future, so there’s nothing she expects….She lets all things come because here they come anyway; it’s not as if she had a choice. She lets all things go because there they go, with or without her consent.” ~ Byron Katie
Whatever has happened, what if that’s just the way it needed to go before? And in the future, that will be what’s appropriate for that moment, whether one person is watching, or 100,000.
“When I was a child my mother said to me, ‘If you become a soldier, you’ll be a general. If you become a monk, you’ll be the pope.’ Instead I became a painter and wound up as Picasso.” ~ Picasso
Much love, Grace