A lovely inquirer at the Breitenbush 4 day retreat several years ago said she had a common “problem”.
She was single, but pining over someone.
Until this moment, I didn’t know about how much pining, longing, curiosity, and imagining had been happening in her mind.
It turned out, she had been on a sports team with the person who she dreamed of for two years.
She explained to me how she would see the Other Beloved Person running, moving, talking….and watch them. Open eyes, but quiet, from a distance, wanting more.
Two years? I perked up my ears.
That’s a long time, I thought, and a lot of opportunity to connect and get to know one another. And yet, she had never even had more than a two minute conversation with the person of interest.
Wow…I wondered what was going on?
There she was, dreaming of a potential love possibility, feeling passionate and admiring from a distance, finding pleasure at watching this “other”, but never moving towards that person to ask for more time, even a longer conversation.
Never reaching out with the question: can I spend some time with you?
And then, a wave of sadness crossed her face as she spoke with me, and she said “I tell myself I’m going to go over there and strike up a conversation…..but then I chicken out, over and over. I procrastinate. I say I’ll do it next time.”
I could see the self-criticism piled up on her back like the weight of the world.
She shared a flood of thoughts about how she never acted fast enough, she was too nervous, she put things off too much.
A great stream of self-criticism and frustration with herself came out.
I knew this is common, but tricky…because the self-attack can cover up the potential fear or discomfort we might have of actually doing something.
“We would all change if we knew how. This inquiry is how.” ~ Byron Katie
I could feel myself agreeing with her, nodding. Yes, you should go for it. No, you shouldn’t be so careful. Yes, you should stop procrastinating. Yes, you should ask. No, you shouldn’t wait any longer.
However….what was happening, despite these kinds of ideas about getting oneself to go for it, was no action.
So was it true that this dear woman sitting with me should take action, muster up the courage to make further contact, break through her discomfort, go for it?
No. That is not what was happening.
I might think so. I might think that action would be more satisfying, that procrastinating on this further would be agonizing, that she should speak up.
But I really do not know what is best for this dear inquirer.
I remember Byron Katie talking with a woman once about similar stressful thoughts. The woman said “but Katie, I could never ask that person for attention…it would be so rude.”
Katie responded “then don’t ask”.
No prodding, pushing, cajoling, expecting.
Everyone has their own pace, their own process, their own lessons, growth, insights.
Who would I be without the thought that she would be happier asserting herself?
Who would I be without the thought that something would be better off happening, than NOT happening?
What about my own situations….when I have had the thought that I should take action, but I don’t? That I ought to raise my hand, talk, ask, make a request, speak up, offer my opinion, participate more actively?
Who would I be without the thought that I should do anything, or that it is “right” and “strong” to do so, and “wrong” or “weak” not to do so?
I relax.
Without all the ideas about who should speak up, and when, and what I think would be better…there is an open, alive, very sweet discussion.
We enter the unknown.
We suddenly can see the next layer below…the one that loves the dream, the one not wanting to risk destroying the fantasy, the one that is very simply enjoying, without further contact, a tender, sweet appreciation with nothing more required.
Without the thought that anyone, including you, is procrastinating, then this is a new moment right now.
There is no fear of failure, or a list of what should be happening. A new, empty, open moment. With an idea arising in it. A creative impulse to go THAT way, over there.
I relax commands on myself, treating myself with meanness and harshness like a dictator, and then comes a spark that I could also question the idea that I could lose.
Without one harsh thought, the next stressful thought can appear, and that one can be unearthed.
Without the thought that procrastination is happening and it is bad….this woman sees how afraid she’s been of losing this feeling in her heart of appreciation and love when gazing upon someone from afar.
I could lose something, if I ask somebody for time, attention, help, support, contact….I could receive a “no”….I could get disappointed….
….is that true?
Yes!
Absolutely 100% true?
No.
But who would I be without the thought that I could lose something, lose connection, love, kindness, appreciation by speaking up, by making a request?
Without the thought that I could lose anything….my mind is open and I’m in this present moment.
I can give you some guidance, but I can’t give you any hope. You’re hoping that it will get better at some point in the future (and I’m not saying it won’t) but it has to get better internally NOW….The situation is as it is, but one begins to form a conceptual image of oneself as failing. And as the conceptual image of yourself failing gets strengthened, you experience emotions that correspond to those mental images and thoughts….But if you were not trapped in your thoughts, you could look on this situation as an opportunity. ~ Eckhart Tolle
I love that all that is necessary (and not even necessary) is being here, present and noticing.
Instead of a risk, or a hassle, carefulness, avoidance, or worry about this situation and this thing I want….what if there is an opportunity for something to shift right NOW?
Much love,
Grace