Dear Inquirers,
Secret Confession: I am shy, embarrassed, protective and nervous about going naked in broad daylight! People do this at Breitenbush Hotsprings (where I was just co-teaching a retreat).
Wow what an absolutely fantastic 4-day retreat, despite this Unrevealed Secret! I am once again amazed at the power and love found in the middle of a group gathered to do inquiry. People came from across the whole country, from corners of the US, and it was sooooo sweet and incredible!
So here is the True Confession: I never went in the naked hotsprings during daylight hours. Only at night under the stars when everyone was murmuring quietly in hushed voices.
And no one could see in detail my imperfect BODY! OMG!
At this retreat, we did the work first on one troubling relationship that has brought angst, sadness, anger, frustration or stress of any kind, as far back into the past as desired.
But what about that troubling relationship with the BODY??!! That dastardly betraying imperfect lump of flesh!
We began our work on the Body part way into the retreat. As we all wrote down all the negative, stressful thoughts we have about our bodies, the laughter welled up. The sheer volume on our lists of what is wrong with the body was incredible.
Too many wrinkles, too much fat here, not enough fat there, too many veins, too much swelling, pain in the back, in the legs, in the neck, gray hair, aching joints, lumps in the wrong places, injuries, dislocations, sagging skin, cellulite-covered thighs, bruises, poor digestion, needing to pee too often.
The body is a wealth of stressful thoughts. My relationship with this body is a profound snapshot of my relationship with my life.
What does it mean about us that we have these flaws?
What am I believing it means about me that I have jiggly and lumpy thighs or thick knees, that skin is starting to wrinkle and sag in many places on this body of mine?
What do I believe other people will see and think if I’m running around naked at the hotsprings in broad daylight!??!
People will think (as if I know): “Oh…I thought she was younger than that….oh, I thought she was in better physical condition that that….oh, I thought she was more disciplined and closer to perfect….oh, I thought she was nicer looking than that….”
They will not like me, they will not be interested in me, they will not think I have anything to offer, they will not be attracted to me, they will not want to know me better, they will dismiss me, they will be bored.
Yes, it’s that petty and ridiculous.
But oh the beauty of discovering this long-held true secret that started so long ago, somewhere in childhood, when I began to believe that I was all my body and not my inner soul. When I started to believe this body could be attractive or ugly to others, and that this could mean I had company or loneliness. When I started to believe that this body needed to be protected at all costs, because if it got sick or died, I would suffer.
What if being sick, having pain, having a flaw, or dying is NOT suffering?
“Every story we tell is about body-identification. Without a story, there’s no body. When you believe that you are this body, you stay limited, you get to be small, you get to see yourself as apparently encapsulated in one separate form. So every thought has to be about your survival or your health or your comfort or your pleasure, because if you let up for a moment, there would be no body-identification.” ~Byron Katie
What if I have been focused on the body so I wouldn’t have to be limitless expansive emptiness…something that is entirely beyond the body and beyond “me”? What if that’s the Real Secret Confession?
Love,
Grace