Tag: success

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You belong wherever you are.

It’s First Friday this week. Meaning, inquiry time online together, open to anyone and everyone. Listen, share, do The Work. You can remain quiet or participate however you like.

Enter your name and email in the link here (it’s the easiest way to get the instructions for how to join). Your email won’t be used for anything except giving you access the First Friday call. If you’re able to make a donation, you’ll see the contribution link on the call page (not required). See you Friday.

Speaking of getting connected…sometimes the opposite feeling is rather troubling.

Disconnected. Left out. Not belonging.

Have you ever felt like you weren’t a part of whatever’s happening? Uncared for? Ignored? Not as close to the group as others? Dismissed? Maybe even rejected?

And here’s a funny thing I’ve noticed: those of us who feel left out or on the outside of a culture, society, group or family actually spend time avoiding or getting away from what seems false about the crowds.

At least I did.

It’s almost like the craving for genuine connection becomes so acute, there’s no tolerance for scenes where people appear loud, hyper, distracted, false, needy, or driven.

Sometimes, we avoid our own family of origin. Too much of that feeling of being left out rises to the forefront.

Or we avoid those friends who have all known each other since 8th grade. Too stuck in the same patterns of conversation.

Let’s do The Work.

Can you find a group or a time in your life when you felt left out?

The other day I had a vivid memory (I shared it on my facebook live show when it popped in my head).

I was at a sister’s birthday party when I was 10 and she was turning 9. It was summer, hot, and so incredibly beautiful outside. The perfect northwest summer day.

Many of my sister’s friends were gathered round the picnic table and every place setting had a little colored cup filled with candy. Balloons bounced in the breeze.

Everything looked so magical to me.

And I was overwhelmed with a feeling of intense jealousy as my sister opened her gifts. One after another beautiful presents, smiles, claps, colors, and then….oh terrible sinking envy.

She got a black tape recorder. 

I WANTED A TAPE RECORDER!

How come she got one before I did?

The thing is, I already had the equally terrible thought that since I was jealous and envious, I was selfish and bad. I couldn’t let anyone see, especially my mom.

She did not approve. I knew it.

I felt so humiliated, left out, unnoticed. I had to gulp my tears. The rest of the party was horrible. I quietly slipped away to my room.

Only years later did I put together that six months earlier, my own birthday party in the dark of January was switched to my friend Sari’s house last minute because my mother was sick with breast cancer and having surgery.

I didn’t really know what was happening, just that it wasn’t good. I remember being worried, and no one at all in my family was at my party. I remember liking the party OK, and enjoying my friends who apparently successfully made it to Sari’s house instead of mine. But I was so anxious.

And even though I was ten, I had no words to communicate any of this. I just felt sick, and empty, and left out, and not even sure why. I felt like I didn’t belong, and everyone else got what they wanted in all of life, but not me. (I didn’t really put details together clearly at the time).

What a great early childhood moment for The Work.

I’m left out. I don’t belong. 

Is that true?

Yes.

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

No. I’m here at my sister’s party. I’m not kicked out.

How did I react when I believed that thought that I was left out?

Very sad. Distressed. Not saying one word to anyone.

Who would I be without my belief?

I’d hold my mom’s hand (or try). I’d find my dad (where was he, anyway)? I’d find a friend in the neighborhood. I’d try to find help, connection. I do know there were people around. I was not all alone.

I’d feel OK in my own skin, no matter what was happening.

Turning the thought around: I’m not left out. I do belong.

Isn’t this just as true, or truer?

Yes.

I was able to speak English, which was the prevailing language. I had the capacity to sit down at the picnic table (I was standing off away from the gathering). I could ask my sister if I could play with her tape recorder sometime (we had a ball with it later).

I’m a part of that family. I have a room in that house. I’m a kid. I’m breathing the air, watching, enjoying the warm summer day, delighted as anyone else is. I don’t have to believe it’s wrong to want something wonderful. I don’t have to believe I’m selfish.

Since that time, I’ve learned so much about counteracting isolation. I’ve entered into group situations set up for honesty and true connection. Places that felt safe.

Places where I could question “I’m selfish” or “I’m wrong” or “I’m needy”.

Twelve step meetings, support groups, therapy groups, trainings, schools, workshops, meditation retreats, places where guidance and structure is given for participants.

My favorite!

I love being touched by the sharing human beings do in groups, the loving council shared, the wisdom.

I also love simply finding connection to myself most of all. Not needing anything more, not needing to be seen by anyone but myself. Being here, joyfully in silence at this very moment, as I type away in the dark night of an autumn northwest–only about 15 miles from that August day many years ago.

If it’s time to gather in genuine sharing and inquiry, which brings such honest clarity to any group, then there are many choices coming soon in the Pacific Northwest for gathering together:

  • October 17th evening through October 21st morning, autumn retreat. One room left onsite, with a hot tub and beautiful gardens for everyone.
  • December 6-9 a winter retreat in the winter woods of Breitenbush Thursday evening through Sunday morning. Hotsprings pools, warm cozy cabins, delicious vegetarian organic meals, steam sauna, The Work mental cleansing.
If you anticipate any holiday groups with worry or dread, what an extra special time to gather now as we head into winter and the final quarter of this calendar year. You get to be with others, but mostly, with yourself.
We’re gathering openly and honestly with our own minds, our own thoughts, and learning to enjoy the company.
When your eyes are tired the world is tired also. 
When your vision has gone, no part of the world can find you. 
Time to go into the dark where the night has eyes to recognize its own. 
There you can be sure you are not beyond love.  
The dark will be your home tonight.  
The night will give you a horizon further than you can see. 
You must learn one thing. 
The world was made to be free in. 
Give up all the other worlds except the one to which you belong. 
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you.
~ David Whyte

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Come.

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When your mind becomes clear, love can pour into your life

youarelove
love surrounds you, is you

Feeling attraction towards another person is sooooo fun, right?

It happens in all cultures and places in the world and in history.

We make movies about epic love stories, the ups, the downs, the angst, the fulfillment.

Humans love attraction and to fulfill the attraction towards another (and actually, towards anything wanted)….

….to move towards what they want, to connect with it, to investigate it, to explore it, learn all about it, maybe even merge with it, obtain it, get there, have it, be with it.

I mean…..there is a HUGE market in romance novels, right?

The thing is…..there’s something we all actually know that isn’t quite so fun.

We don’t like to know it.

What we know is that it can be pretty stressful on either side of that brilliant fire moment when you get what you want.

Before you get what you want, and you’re hungry. After you get what you want, and you’re full.

a) If you’re on the side of BEFORE you get what you want….

….stress enters with beliefs like: this is taking too long, I’m lonely, it’s too late, I should be farther along by now, the person I want isn’t available, I’m too shy, they won’t like me, I’m empty, I could fail, I hate waiting, this is too stressful, I’m unhappy the way it is, I won’t make it, this sucks, cry.

b) If you’re on the side of AFTER you get what you want….

….stress enters with beliefs like: now what, I’m not really satisfied, what’s next, oh no I’m never satisfied, I’m bored, this isn’t what I expected, this isn’t it, I want something else, I got it wrong, I made a mistake, there must be something more, I’ll keep going, I’ll never rest, I can’t stop now, strive, frustration.

And it seems like that luscious juicy delicious all-satisfied resting place is very short lived.

I once heard one of my favorite teachers, Adyashanti, talking about this. He said as a serious professional bike athlete in his past, he could relate.

An athlete trains and trains for 12 years to cross a line first. Finally the day comes. She or he wins.

Adya chuckled while speaking at this point, saying….

….the winning athlete gets 3 days, maybe a week, of absolute joyful bliss of accomplishment.

Then it’s time to move on.

Wohn-wohn-wohn.

This may be a simplistic way of putting it, and it’s not all black and white, but it’s highlighting the feeling of being attracted to something, a goal, or a person, where the sense of completeness is not yet discovered or felt.

Over here, with myself, I am empty or missing or alone.

If I had that, over THERE then I would be whole, full, found and together.

But is that actually true?

We notice the mind doesn’t ever really feel satisfied. Not the individual personal mind with a small “m”.

It’s constantly unsure.

It’s constantly looking out for what’s missing. It’s constantly thinking it needs something.

Who would you be, though, without your beliefs about LOVE?

If you couldn’t have the thought that you need more love, that you need a mate to actually become loved?

It’s the weirdest, most opposite thought to the dream of what all the love songs are about.

It’s not NORMAL to be satisfied and feel love, connection, presence, wholeness right here.

Except….what if it was?

What if you could sit here, this instant, and turn this whole crazy something-is-missing festival into a love-is-here festival?

Is there something besides your disappointed mind, or your anxious thoughts, that can notice the room you’re in right now?

How does your body feel while you read these words?

What else is surrounding you?

What if you took a deep, deep breath right now, and felt the love pouring into your body through the life force of oxygen?

What if now was enough, enough, enough….

….what would this feel like? What would you walk like? How would you behave today? What would you say? What would you do?

Turning all the thoughts around to the opposite:

This is taking just the right amount of time, I’m connected, it’s not too late, I should be exactly where I am, anything is available to me, I’m not too shy, they like me, I can’t fail, I love pausing, this is exciting, I’m happy the way it is, I will make it, this is awesome, I relax….

….now is sweet, I’m really satisfied, what’s next, my thinking is never satisfied (and I am), I’m entertained, this is better than I expected, this is it, I want this, I got it right, I made a correction, there must be something less, I’ll keep going, I’ll always rest, I can stop now, relax.

This could all be just as true or truer, whether you think you need a lover, a million dollars, to achieve “x”.

Whether it’s true love or spiritual enlightenment, what if this moment here was enough?

“Love is what you are already. Love doesn’t seek anything. It’s already complete. It doesn’t want, doesn’t need, has no shoulds. It already has everything it wants, it already is everything it wants, just the way it wants it…..Seeking love is how you lose the awareness of love. But you can only lose the awareness of it, not the state. That’s not an option, because love is what we all are. That’s immovable.When you investigate your stressful thinking and your mind becomes clear, love pours into your life, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” ~ Byron Katie

In this present moment, I love the sights I have on the horizon. The things I imagine will be fun and wonderful when I arrive there.
But I also know, just like you, that thing we already know.
That it doesn’t really matter if I get there. At all.
The grand experience of peace can only be with letting go of the outcome, the idea of the way it will be someday, later on.
This doesn’t mean if you actually feel alone that you don’t pick up the phone and talk with a good friend, and study your aloneness. It doesn’t mean laying in bed all day (unless it is what is called for in the body). It’s doesn’t mean feeling negatively resigned to never getting “it”. It doesn’t mean dropping your writing schedule as you write your book.
It is noticing what is here, rather than focusing on what is not. It is noticing the nothingness rather than the content of what is passing.

 

It is feeling the love pouring in through the air, the floor you’re standing on, the chair you’re sitting in, the teenager walking past you, the window you’re looking out of, the skin touching the door knob, the warm chest of a friend you’re hugging.

 

And when you feel this way, right NOW….

 

….do you think it might be more possible, or less possible, to experience that luscious juicy all-satisfied fire spark Ah-Ha place?

 

Just saying.
Much Love, Grace
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You Have To Do Stuff To Succeed–Is That True?

I was sitting on the squishy white sofa, avocado green pillow at my back, my friend Gail next to me on my right. The overhead fan slowly spun above, and the room soft and cool. Gathered ’round are 8 other friends in comfy chairs. The room is quiet, but buzzing with silent energy.

Then something happened inside my mind and heart, and it was very, very good.

So good I was moved to tears. They streamed down my cheeks for the sheer gratitude and surprise and recognition.

I’ll try to explain what it was.

I’m on retreat with a small group of friends, as you know, exploring reality…..my favorite.

Of course, every single day is an exploration of reality. You’re doing it today, yourself.

But there I was, in meditation, and thinking about consciousness. We were contemplating familiar questions many spiritual teachers ask “Who is looking? Who is listening? What is it that is aware right now?”

I was talking with Ross, the teacher I’ve been with on retreat, and inquiring into these questions. I didn’t really get it…even though I could feel something potent.

Ross asked me “Where do your words come from right now, as you’re talking? Right NOW?”

And suddenly I could see how immediate were these words that spilled out of my mouth, the words that formed a question I had just asked, or a sentence I had just spoken.

The sound of these words was born, just a split second ago. The feeling behind these words was flowing forth. I didn’t invent them, they simply were created.

I could feel where these words just came from, so very close. Like this sensation of nothing becoming something. A fabulous empty vast energy.

Where do your words come from, when you are talking?

Is everything like this? It is simply born, without me doing anything, really?

You have to “do” things….to live well, to succeed, to achieve, to get something, to wake up, to make peace, to have good relationships, to make money. All of these states require YOU to DO something to get them.

Is that true?

Yes. At least that’s what I’ve always thought. Of course I have to do things! Are you NUTS?! I would otherwise sit around all day snacking and staring into space.

But are you sure you have to do stuff? Are you sure you must manage, direct, and do?

No. I’m not sure anymore. No. This is suddenly today, much less true than ever before today.

How do you react when you believe you have to do things in life?

I know it’s a weird question, a weird concept. So much of what we hear is how we HAVE to, we MUST, we SHOULD (fill in the blank).

But who would you be without that thought? Who would you be without the belief that you have to do anything?

As Adyashanti once said when I was on retreat with him, just try to sit on the couch for once, without making yourself get up….see if you can get up when you get up, no forcing.

HUH?

But wait.

Without getting all deep and mixed up and crazy about it, I see who I would be without the thought that I need to do anything in order to be happy.

It’s astonishing.

Very exciting. Unexpected.

Not resigned, slow, waiting, stubborn, or giving up. Not that kind of non-doing. This is a thrill of watching whatever is created in any moment. Paying attention. Noticing that stuff happens constantly, and you can do what you do and relax.

“You know, all that’s required of me is that I be good enough just to sit in this chair now. It’s doesn’t matter what my mind says. That’s all that’s required of me….Only a huge ego could say that you’re supposed to be doing something that you’re not doing.” ~ Byron Katie

I turn the thoughts around: You have to Un-Do things, or donothing….to live well, to succeed, to achieve, to get something, to wake up, to make peace, to have good relationships, to make money.

None of these states require YOU to DO anything to get them.

Just be yourself instead.

A gorgeous being of love, light, peace, wonder.

And if you’re not sure that’s true….question your stressful beliefs.

“Practice not doing, and everything will fall into place.” ~ Tao Te Ching #3

That’s what made me cry today.

Love, Grace

 

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What If I Invite Them, And They Don’t Come?

Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat June 25-29 has a car camping spot, plus one camp site, for anyone to stay on the grounds who wants to attend our retreat, which is bursting full (can’t wait to be with everyone who is coming)!

We’ve been moved to a larger retreat space at Breitenbush because of all the fabulous people enrolled (it’s called the River Yurt).

If you thought you were too late to come to Breitenbush, and you’re happy camping in a gorgeous old-growth forest near natural hot springs….then you’re in luck.

But call today, these last few spaces will go speedy quick.

******

There’s such an astonishing quantity of inner beliefs around inviting, gathering, bringing people together, raising the roof, creating a tribe, forming a posse.

Even if you’re imagining a birthday celebration for yourself, with other people, and you want those you love to come together in one place, on the same day (preferably, ha ha!)….

….that one idea of putting out the invite alone is slightly stressful for some people.

Whether you’re super crazy shy or just a little uncomfortable with loads of attention and asking people to join you, little thoughts can appear that aren’t exactly friendly.

You may be a manager at work who has to get all the staff to come to a meeting, you may want to create a meaningful moment before a big occasion, you may want moral support from your very besties, you may be wanting to fill up a workshop or an event because you’re a healer with something important to offer, you may want to ask someone on a date.

Such an exciting idea!!

But then…..here come the thoughts:

  • no one will be available
  • they won’t want to come
  • I need to make sure they have a stunning mind-blowing magnificent time, or else they’ll never want to see me again
  • they’ll think I am (fill in the blank; boring, stupid, unworthy, attention-seeking, selfish, childish, inexperienced, unpolished, silly, unimportant, meek)
  • if everyone says no, it will prove I’m unworthy (and alone)
If you feel these kinds of thoughts, without questioning them, you’ll probably have a few butterflies in your stomach as you get ready to create an event.
Or a terrible sinking feeling of nerves-on-ice.
If you have a dream, and then you notice some doubts about who will show up to join you in that dream….
….let’s do The Work on it today and see what happens.
(It will be good).
The first thing to do is to get a really good solid picture of the WORST thing that could happen.
Seriously.
You invite people to your graduation party, and one or two people show up. They stay for a polite amount of time and exit.
Or whatever your scenario.
You know it’s already crossed your mind! So just go ahead and go there.
As you think about that uncomfortable future possibility….
….see if it’s true that it would be a bad thing if no one showed up, if the cute man you’ve wanted to ask to tea said no, or if your wedding was attended by only half the number you expected?
Yes. It’s true.
That would suck.
Are you positive?
Kind of. Um. Yeah, I’m pretty sure it would be bad.
How do you react when you believe it would be HORRIBLE if no one showed? That it means there’s something wrong with you, you are not liked, you’re boring?
How do you react when you think other people think you’re a dork? Or unworthy?
Sinking, sinking down to the bottom of the lake. Very disappointed. Sad. I’m stupid.
I should never have asked.
Ow.
But who would you be without those beliefs?
If you couldn’t even have the thought that it’s bad if no one shows up, that you aren’t important, or that it’s hard to invite people to things?
Oh. That’s different.
Yes, it’s more…..fun. It’s easy. It’s not a big effort, it’s just a question. I’m expressing an idea into the universe and seeing if there are others who want to join.
It’s not personal.
I can even keep asking, if I continue to want company, without expectation, for the joy of asking!
Without any of these beliefs, that future horror movie moment when it’s a supposed disaster is not a disaster. It’s just quieter, or more intimate than I thought it would be.
Just me, and silence.
I like silence.
I turn the thoughts around:
  • everyone will be available
  • they will want to come
  • I do NOT need to make sure they have a stunning mind-blowing magnificent time, I could make sure I myself have a stunning mind-blowing magnificent time
  • they’ll think I am (exciting, brilliant, worthy, content, self-confident, playful, experienced, polished, deep, important, strong)….and they’ll think whatever they think
  • if everyone says no, it proves nothing, and being alone is wonderful

“Success is an internal experience that’s lived out with nothing to stop it. If you could get this, it’s the end of suffering, the end of shortages…..Show me any area when you cannot play big. And no one ever has to know, it can be a secret. Every step is for you, for you, for you. Everything becomes big when you’re in service. You can’t even claim the service. When you’re aware of your life and how amazing you are, you see how amazing everything is. Even the ground that supports your next step.” ~ Byron Katie

  Wow, oh wow. Invite everyone. Don’t invite anyone. All absolutely brilliantly wonderful. This moment, now, full of such joyful sensation that I notice…. …everything and everyone is coming.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Definitely room in Summer Camp June Session. Group calls are Monday afternoons, Tuesday mornings, Thursday mid-mornings Pacific time. Try it, you might like it. Inquiry freedom! I’m inviting you–hee hee!

 

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Nothing Is Impossible For You

The other day, I was watching a short video by a young man who started a daily blog some years ago….

….who is now so successful, he was on Oprah last year as a representative of the next generation of personal development teachers.

(His name is Mastin Kipp).

While I don’t know him personally, I have met more successful, interesting, movers-and-shakers sorts of people in the past couple of years than I ever knew before.

I started thinking about how funny that we humans have celebrities, those we admire and are inspired by.

Admiring someone is generally a very joyful experience. There they are, being themselves, and WE feel different just by hearing them, being in their presence, watching how they relate to others, feeling their energy.

I’ve been to personal growth workshops in the past where I was asked to consider who I hold in great esteem, who I trust, love, and feel very grateful for, past or present.

Some of the people on my list are the very same as on other peoples’ lists: Gandhi, Byron Katie, Adyashanti, Martin Luther King, Oprah, Martha Graham, Pema Chodron, Desmond Tutu, Cheri Huber, Jesus.

Now think about yourself and how you measure up to all those others. If you entered a room where they were all hanging out, talking, laughing, being….

….how would you feel?

There is a good reason I bring this up. Trust me. It’s called COMPARISON.

It happens.

So I’m watching Mastin and his adorable and sincere manner, and suddenly the thought enters: I’m old enough to be his mother.

I’ll never be on Oprah.

Too late.

I don’t have much time.

I dinked around so long having emotional and spiritual crises, addictive behavior, was insecure, unstable, low confidence, that I lost my chance to be a STAR.

Of course, I had to chuckle about one second later. But you may find these kinds of thoughts stick around awhile, and don’t feel so hot.

Let’s take a look.

You should have started sooner, been more confident, gotten it together, and succeeded by now……you are not as successful as you could be.

Is that true?

Yes! I COULDA BEEN A CONTENDER!

(That’s a famous Marlon Brando scene from On The Waterfront. Say it with a thick New York accent).

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that you’re not successful YET, that you need to be more, better, bigger, different?

Are you positive your story-line needs improvement?

Even if you’re starting from scratch after a huge life transition. Even if you just got divorced, or found out you have cancer. Even if you thought you’d have “x” in your bank account by now, but instead you’re in debt.

Are you sure you failed to Get There? That you’re not living up to your potential, or being the Best You Could Be?

No.

This story may be unfolding at just the right pace, the right time, in the right manner.

But even if you said YES….keep going with your investigation of this kind of stressful thinking.

How do you react when you believe you aren’t where you COULD be? You’re aren’t as successful as THAT person over there?

Fists clenched. Working past midnight. Thinking I need to “catch up”. Anxious. Tired. Discouraged. Why bother.

Not very happy in this present moment. Images of all those amazing, incredible people who I’ve admired, and how far, far away I am from being like any of them.

Sad day.

So who would you be without the belief that you’re too late? Too old? Not accomplishing? Not meeting your top potential NOW?

Curious. Instead of feeling like a deflated balloon, I stand up. I think about writing some of my admirers a letter. I join groups that are full of awesome, interesting people. I watch my intimidated feeling turn into excitement, without the belief that I don’t cut it here.

“Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do.” ~ Byron Katie 

I turn the thoughts around to the opposites.

I am the best I could be, this here is excellent, I am right on time, I am on Oprah right this minute (doesn’t it make you laugh out loud for the fun of it, just to pretend? Why not?!)

This is my own STAR television show, right here, as I write these words. I am a great success, greater than ever I imagined. Life is strange, unusual, full of turns and twists and thick plots that I could have NEVER thought up on my own.

Or maybe I could have thought them up (eye twinkle).

I AM A CONTENDER!

(Remember, New York accent).

“The forward step is always moving ahead, always trying to attain what you want, whether it’s a material possession or inner peace. The forward step is very familiar: seeking and more seeking, striving and more striving, always looking for peace, always looking for happiness, looking for love. To take the backward step means to just turn around, reverse the whole process of looking for satisfaction on the outside, and look at precisely the place where you are standing. See if what you are looking for isn’t already present in your experience.” ~ Adyashanti

Can I simply rest here, now in this present moment, without believing that I missed out on something, or need to get somewhere by next week?

Phew. Yeah. I can do that.

Do you think you’ll be more successful tomorrow if you relax your comparisons today, or crank them up?

See what I mean?

“For governing a country well there is nothing better than moderation. The mark of a moderate man is freedom from his own ideas. Tolerant like the sky, all-pervading like sunlight, firm like a mountain, supple like a tree in the wind, he has no destination in view and makes use of anything life happens to bring his way. Nothing is impossible for him. Because he has let go, he can care for the people’s welfare as a mother cares for her child.” ~ Tao Te Ching #59

Much love, Grace

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One Sneaky Belief Successful People Think That Keeps Their Stress High

Breitenbush 4 day retreat is in 3 months—exactly! To find out more and learn how to sign up: CLICK HERE. If you register early, you get a big wonderful variety of housing choices. And an early-bird price!

*****

As I’ve spent more time in the last decade discovering quite astonishing things about this mind that apparently inhabits whoever I am….

….I’ve noticed some really fascinating stressful beliefs about success, clarity and seeking answers about life.

I’ve encountered hundreds of people wanting to end their personal pain, addiction, compulsive urges, unease, or unhappiness.

Often, when people get some traction, stability, when they find solid ground, they aren’t so sad or traumatized anymore. Through personal inquiry, they question deeply and they stop reacting so fast to the world around them as if it’s dangerous or dark….as if it hurt them.

Then after awhile, they might feel more successful. They might start feeling creative, dreaming bigger dreams. Maybe they dare to try something completely different.

Exciting!!

Sometimes people say to me that they feel finding The Work and self-inquiry saved their life.

They realize that their relationship with their spouse, before the work, was going downhill. Fast. Or their connection to one of their children, or a sibling was rough. Sometimes Money was agonizing at one time, and now they’re out of debt completely (like my story) and doing pretty well. Or they were a survivor of a major life trauma, and now they can actually find peace in the midst of all that.

Something shifted…..but then…..some other slightly stressful ideas appear.

Now that I feel so good, renewed, rejuvenated, more clear than ever in my life….I should be doing it differently: faster, better, bigger.

I call it the Success Stress part of the story. You feel stressed because you’re thinking thoughts about the ways you, or your world, could improve.

I should be more successful by now. I should be over it. I want to make a difference. 

These are little persnickety thoughts that create a little frustration. But if you don’t take them to inquiry….they may grow. You may not realize how powerful they can be, and how debilitating.

I should be somewhere other than here, where I am. 

Especially when it comes to my weight, my health, my spiritual awareness, my generosity, my love life, my career….you get the idea.

Let’s take a look, with The Work.

Is it true, that you should be doing better in that department by now? Is it true that you should be somewhere else?

Yes. I know I’m capable of much more. I have a book proposal almost done. I have fantastic workshops that could be taught to many more people. I want to spend more time with my family. I want to go on some adventures.

Can you absolutely, really, really know this is completely true?

Well…it SEEMS like it would be nice. It SEEMS like I’ll feel very psyched, thrilled and proud. But no, I can’t really know.

And there is something about being here, today, that is sooooooo sweet, even as I work on my writing or upcoming retreats, or plans, or buy plane tickets.

How do I react when I think the thought that I should be THERE, not here?

Clamped down, like I’m racing. Competitive with an image of the future. Pushy. Determined. No down time. Little rest.

I say “there’s no time, there’s no time, there’s no time” in about three hundred different ways through my week. Like everything is QUICK, quick, quick!

But who would you be…..you successful, clear person who is so eager to learn and grow….who would you BE without the thought that a little further on is better?

That next week or next month or next year you need to be MORE successful and YOU have to wake up, expand, achieve?!!!

Wow. Kind of crazy, how different that is from the usual way. You mean, it’s not up to me, all by myself?

“Most humans are never fully present in the now, because unconsciously they believe that the next moment must be more important than this one. But then you miss your whole life, which is never not now.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Even though I feel so much more content, so changed, since being able to identify and question what I believe….do I still think that the future might be just a wee more important than today?

And if so, who would I be without that belief?

Who would I be without even knowing what success actually is? Without needing or wanting anything more in this day, today?

I notice that I don’t lie down on the couch, which is one of the greatest fears of so many successful people if they give up their drive, their motivation, their discipline. I don’t quit, I don’t go to bed.

I don’t FEEL like going to bed! I write with joy. I contemplate. I feel so excited, creative, alive. I write and tweak new curriculum. I spend time with my cute husband and children.

I actually feel more energy NOW than I ever used to feel when I had the thoughts that I MUST achieve success.

And I could die today–ha ha! What freedom!

“To cease cherishing illusions is a way of inverting the energy of seeking. The energy of seeking will be there in one form or another until you wake up from the dream state. You can’t just get rid of it……And if you’re like most spiritually oriented people, your spirituality is your most cherished illusion. Imagine that.” ~ Adyashanti

If you notice that you’d like to dissolve stressful beliefs about your own success (or lack of it) then you will LOVE coming to Breitenbush in June. No matter where you are on the trajectory of life, whether you’re wanting to question deep disappointment, or mild angst, come join me and my co-facilitator Susan Beekman.

If you need to rest and sink into deleting your stress, this is an amazing venue, a gorgeous natural environment, and very affordable.

Click here to read more.

I can’t wait to meet you!

Love, Grace

 

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You Are Interesting

This morning the current MONEY teleclass met at our usual hour, barely light at 8 am, eagles chirping away in the pine tree where they like to sit behind my little cottage, me on my couch with my headphones connected to skype.

As people shared their thoughts from the journaling prompt, and then a situation they identified as very stressful when someone didn’t want what they had to offer….

…I marveled at how often I’ve experienced this thought, or worried about potentially having the thought, in my life:

“That person is not interested in what I’m offering”. 

This can be so complex and gritty, a whole network and system of ideas and troubling beliefs.

It may or may not have to do with money.

First of all, what do I mean by “offering” something? Is that why anyone would be interested in me…at all…because they think I have something to offer them?

And what is “not interested” and how do I know it’s true that they aren’t?

Is it a look on their face, an unreturned phone call, no email reply, or are they shouting NO I AM NOT INTERESTED!

If they’re shouting, does it really mean they aren’t?

(Remember my favorite book Green Eggs and Ham? That guy Sam-I-Am kept asking ‘are you interested?’ and after 859 No’s he got a Yes).

Why was Sam-I-Am so persistent anyway?!!

So is it true that the person in question is not interested in what I’m offering? Maybe yes, maybe no.

I’m only stressed with this belief when I think they should be, when I want them to be, when I think it will be uncomfortable or sad if they aren’t.

Like that cute man one time who was a professional surfer….

YES! It’s true! That person is not interested!

Can I absolutely know that it’s true?

YES. He said no. She didn’t sign up for the class. They didn’t offer me the job. He never called back. No one bought my product. She broke up with me.

How do I react when I believe that thought?

What I heard in our class today that seemed most painful was the running voice that people had about themselves.

It means (ouch) that I am not interesting. I did something wrong. It means I have nothing worth offering.

Wow, harsh.

So who would you be without the thought that someone isn’t interested and it means you aren’t interesting?

Who would you be without the thought that it might have been nicer if they had been interested?

For me…..wildly free.

Back into myself seeing what I want in the moment….what I am moved to do next.

Someone in the class said “I would be clear, I would ask a direct question”.

I might be Sam-I-Am and be having a ball asking….”how ’bout on a train? with a mouse? on a boat?”

Trying on every possibility with humor and joy.

I might hear a “no” and move on. I’d feel playful, efficient, clear.

I turn the thoughts around:  

That person is not interested in what I have to offer, that person should not be interested, I am not interested in what they are offering me (a “no” for example), I am not interested in what I offer myself. 

Wow, I do see where I’ve stopped asking, quit, shut down, moved away with sadness, felt disappointment, been upset with myself, no longer found myself superbly interesting…

….right in that moment when I’ve believed I want that otherperson to be interested in me.

“You have everything you need in order to be an honest human being. No one ever has to be afraid of the truth. It’s the defenses that we build around the truth that strike fear into our hearts.” ~ Byron Katie

When I stop believing that someone else should be interested in what I have to offer, I feel how fun it is to be interested in myself, and interested in my work, and interested in money, or relationships, or friendship, in a really fun way.

Oh boy!

“What the world doesn’t tell you–because it doesn’t know–is that you cannot BECOME successful. You can only BE successful. Don’t let a mad world tell you that success is anything other than a successful present moment.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Today, as people say yes and no and come toward me or move away…I stay in my integrity, humor, and love for myself…

….whatever level of interest they have.

Success is present, right now. You are success.

With much love, Grace

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Obi-Wan Ken-YOU-Be, You’re Your Only Hope!

Even though I saw Star Wars when it first came out, all those years ago, and even though I’ve never seen it again, I still remember many fantastic scenes.

One of my favorite was the video message of Princess Leah saying “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope!”

She’s strong, proud, and powerful.

It seemed in the story, to me, that perhaps….just maybe….good things were coming to the princess.

She was sending out a request, but who knows, maybe there was Other Hope alive there as well.

The adventure! It was ON!

The other day I was working with a young woman who feels entirely unsuccessful in finding a mate.

She feels good about her fun career, her capacity to earn money, her opportunities for adventure, the closeness of friends.

But darn it, that ideal relationship is elusive.

Many people consider parts of their lives like miserable failures, or disappointments.

This is an interesting exercise in questioning your thinking….to really examine that place where you feel like a dolt, like you’ve made mistakes.

Like you just don’t measure up compared to others. Maybe you’re mediocre when you hoped to rock the house.

You had dreams….but….YAWN.

Maybe you’ve completely blown it.

Take a moment right now and consider where in your life you have beenunsuccessful.

Have you been unsuccessful, or less than brilliant, in your career? In making money? In being free from addiction? In being normal weight? In finding that fabulous beloved partner? In finishing that creative project? In becoming enlightened?

Now…let’s do The Work on this idea, that you are Less Than Genius when it comes to this subject.

You know what Brilliance looks like, what Success looks like.

It’s over there…that person is successful in this area. Not me.

First of all, get really quiet and answer this question: Is it true that you are not successful in this most important, wonderful, significant area for you?

Are you sure you are not successful?

Yes Yes Yes! I know what my life would look like if I were successful! NOT LIKE THIS.

I’m a loser in this area. (I’m even a loser for thinking so self-critically, I should love myself, right?)

Hold it.

Slow it down and see, if it was only you who can give the Final Answer. (I can hear the game show host from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and his voice saying IS THAT YOUR FINAL ANSWER?)

Is it true that you are unsuccessful in this arena you’re thinking about?

Yes or No are both fine. Just watch which one is actually true for you, it’s quite fascinating.

And now, next question….

…How do you react when you believe the thought that you are unsuccessful at “x”? What happens in that moment?

I used to feel so low, like the scum of the earth. A kind of heavy, flat weight, pulling me down to horizontal.

Acute depression. Bitter vicious stream of thought, calling myself names.

I ate food, lots of it, when I wasn’t hungry.

Then I’d feel worse. And numbly forget all about the original lack of success.

I wouldn’t even try to go succeed at whatever “x” was (for me it was having a fun, interesting job, earning money, connecting with others honestly, being real, saying “no”, finishing my book, sending my writing to publishers).

Why bother trying to change?

Look at all this evidence for my failure…..I had proof based on stories of the past.

I didn’t have The Work back then…but fortunately I had people in my life who were deeply encouraging, who reminded me of what I actually knew was really the truth….

….that I was successful in these areas.

Wait. What?

But. I don’t have a boyfriend! I don’t have a retirement account! I’m twenty pounds overweight! I binge eat! I need a job!

Yes, you read that correctly.

Who would you be if instead of thinking you are unsuccessful in this topic, that you are SUCCESSFUL.

Full of success. Capable, brilliant, sparkling, learning, growing, undefined, making course corrections, compassionate, kind to yourself, understanding, loving, waking up.

I notice that in every moment I’ve lived, I was always doing the best I could.

The critical mind tends to come in and quickly say “no you weren’t…you knew better…you should have done blah blah blah…”

But let yourself find examples of what you’ve learned, how you’ve been successful, how losing taught you something perhaps, how that intense experience supported you.

Even if you are a single person (and some part of you imagines it would be better to be in a relationship) see how you have been successful with who you are, with your experience.

How has it been of advantage to go slow, spend time alone, work extremely hard, be abandoned by that lover, not earn much money, not become a guru, be overweight, get sick, use drugs or alcohol?

Maybe when you stop riding yourself for your faults, you may find that the honest truth is that you’re peaceful with where you are in this moment with that apparently unsuccessful topic.

For me? I am so grateful for my under-earning, low, depressive, addictive, emotional reaction to life….

….because it all was a big fat wake up call.

It put me on this trajectory (the client said the same thing).

A humble learner. Someone going beyond their family traditions. Someone entering uncharted territory.

Someone living with the possibility of being joyful with What Is.

Maybe the entire way your life has gone is exactly the perfect path you’ve needed to find your freedom.

“You are your only hope, because we’re not changing until you do. Our job is to keep coming at you, as hard as we can, with everything that angers, upsets, or repulses you, until you understand. We love you that much, whether we’re aware of it or not. The whole world is about you.” ~ Byron Katie

If you have a hard time finding the advantages for past “failures”, or your current status, or your lack of freedom, or your not-quite-there yet….

….sit down and do The Work.

If it’s really hard, and you can’t imagine being your own only hope, you can join the upcoming two classes that start in September and get yourself some support to stay in inquiry: either the One Year Program (fantastic small group of genius inquirers) or the 8-week Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass.

Love, Grace

P.S. The One Year Program is filling: choose to join the teleclass, the teleclass plus solo sessions, or the teleclass/solo sessions AND in-person retreats. You may want to decide soon! Write with questions: grace@workwithgrace.com