Have you ever mulled over, re-thought, re-hashed a difficult situation with someone in your life in an effort to find a good solution, to get it squared away once and for all so it’s all tied up nicely, it’s over and done, and you never have to think about it again?
That business deal that went sour several years ago, wow that was rough. That really good friend who got some kind of twisted information or who was misinformed who hurt you so badly. That lover or partner who dazzled you but it was all a sham. That uncle who led you astray in career advice. That class you spent all that money on that didn’t really pay off.
I’ve got it!
I know what I need to do to fix my problem with that person, place or thing who bugged me!
With that whole situation….I’ve got a plan.
I’ll write them a letter, explaining myself. I’ll send them a nice card. I’ll email them and say hello and ask about their family. I’ll call them up and say how sorry I am and follow the script on making amends and making it right. I’ll practice forgiveness work and repeat my mantras over and over.
So you do your program.
But you’re still thinking about that irritating, horrible, upsetting situation with that disturbing person yet again, in the middle of the night.
When it seems there’s nothing more to say that’s really useful, when you’ve already written an honest letter, when you’ve attempted to make it right, but it still bothers you….
….thank goodness for self-inquiry.
You can dig deeper and find out what’s left, for you to learn, on the inside of you.
Without ever making contact, reaching out, fixing anything, trying to make it all rosy and shiny with effort.
You can just stop all those other efforts at getting it resolved, and trust that it appears for inquiry inside your heart and mind, because it’s important somehow.
So there you are, going about your day (or you wake up in the night after a dream, perhaps with that person in it) and you think DAMN, why the hell did that happen back then? What was going on with her or him? Why can’t I know what really went on? How could I have let that occur in my life?
Why? How? What?
Pause.
Instead of trying to understand the entire story from start to finish, journal on it, analyze it half to death all over again….
….maybe just see what one of the simple, stressful thoughts is that popped into your mind?
Did something scare you in the present, as you remember that situation and that relationship?
She could hurt me again. He’s still out there. I’m in danger. Something terrible could happen, like before.
I don’t want to be thinking about this person!!!!
Is that true?
Yes! I’ve done my work! I’ve tried everything, I’ve made amends, I’ve done counseling, I’ve done grief and letting go rituals, I’ve talked with friends and family, I’ve taken responsibility for my part.
Are you sure you don’t want to think of them? Ever, ever? Cuz too bad, you are.
Yes, it feels like I should be totally over this. It seems like it’s absolutely true.
Done. Over. Bye Bye. Forever.
How do you react when you think you’ve done everything, and it still reappears as a problem?
Angry. Irritated. Very sad. Pictures flash of the same scenes I’ve thought about 500 times.
I get upset with my own thoughts. We’ve gone over this before, can’t you remember?
But who would you be without the belief that you shouldn’t think about someone, or some troubling situation, ever again, even though there you are thinking of it?
…”Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably…” ~ from Rumi’s The Guest House
Ahhhh.
Without the belief that I shouldn’t be thinking, or don’t want to be thinking about so-and-so or such-and-such….I allow the pictures, the memories, the feeling to rise and be as they are.
Here.
And here’s what I’ve noticed, every time: when I relax with the thoughts as they are, when I let them be there….when I treat them honorably….they always bring me something precious.
You should be thinking, yet again, about that unresolved thing from the past.
How do you know?
Because you are.
“No one has ever been able to control his thinking, although people may tell the story of how they have. I don’t let go of my thoughts–I meet them with understanding. Then they let go of me.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love, Grace