William James is known as one of the great father’s of psychology, the study of the human mind and how we behave and what’s going between what seems to be “thought” and “reality”.
He was doing his thing several years before Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud were having deep conversations in Austria.
James is famous for being consulted by Bill W, who also became famous for his recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous from terrible alcoholism.
The other day I learned that James had a crisis when he was in his late twenties. He felt like he touched bottom in despair about what his life was for, and whether it was worth it, and if he was really good at anything or just one big failure.
But then instead of killing himself, it came to him to make a decision. Before doing anything final, he would conduct a year long experiment: he would practice believing that he had free will.
He would believe he could change.
He could not know what would happen tomorrow, or anything about his destiny, but he could choose today to look at what he was thinking, believing, doing, how he was being….and freely question it.
He decided that during this One Year Experiment, he would choose to live AS IF he did not know what was true, but that he would believe in free will.
This is not believing that it could be positive, or wonderful, or perfect, or turn out super wildly good.
Only orienting toward freedom to choose, in any split second.
“You either believe your thoughts, or you question them. There’s no other choice.” ~ Byron Katie
James did this by looking at what was going on around him, apparently. By writing a lot in his journal. By looking at what he was actually telling himself.
This is of course what we’re doing with The Work or any clear form of self-inquiry.
I remember when I felt so awful about my pattern of binge-eating, overeating, snacking, unconscious eating and never really enjoying food in a deep, satisfying way.
One day, I understood that food was not what I was looking for.
That may seem sooooo obvious.
But if it was so obvious, why was I always going back to food every time I had that “feeling”?
Something was skipping by really, really, really fast.
It skipped over the awareness that I was insanely hungry for something…and re-directed the hunger, urge and craving toeating.
It almost didn’t matter what I was eating. More detail about what I craved and why became clear later.
But first, I noticed that I was damn hungry. For something. And then I noticed it wasn’t food. Because my stomach would be stuffed, but I still wanted more food. Wires were getting crossed.
I had a similar experience to Mr. William James. I saw that food wasn’t satisfying me, just about EVER, so I would believe, ever so tentatively, that there was something else that WAS satisfying.
I decided the universe wouldn’t be set up in such a way that a human would stuff food into a pipe that actually was built for divinity, power, beauty, joy, and silence….and have that work out in the end.
Well….it DID work out in the end. Because of knowing it didn’t work.
I was settling for way too small. Here’s what I said to myself when I was about 22, after vomiting a gigantic amount of food I didn’t even really want:
“I was born with the same human capabilities as everyone else. I will not quit until I figure out what is so off here. I HAVE to be able to eat and love food when hungry, and not care about it when I’m full. That’s the normal natural way of it. I can be in that club. It’s my nature, too.”
Back then, even though I wasn’t too sure life was entirely worth living, I knew I would never kill myself. I was too stubbornly determined that the dilemma of living out of balance was resolvable.
Something turned a corner, almost imperceptibly.
It took about a decade before all obsession with food fell away and I became easy with food. Little visitations have returned here and there, it continues to be refined always…but there is no agony about eating anymore, and it’s never returned in over twenty years.
Now, I’m a thought detective instead.
Now here’s the weird thing. I did not make any of those thoughts come in that brought determination to my plight. Did I invent them?
No.
There was absolutely nothing special about me whatsoever.
It still sounds better to this entity I am calling “me” to continue to live and experience this world outside of being an extreme addict, and to enjoy all the ins and outs, ups and downs, joy and sorrow, and completely bizarre weirdness of this place.
Today, I have been thinking about life and death, and the energy and effort it takes if you decide to actually put an end to your life as you know it…whether physically or emotionally.
There is something that moves towards change. It goes. It has a flow.
We appear to have free will. Or perhaps we have the capacity to believe we have free will.
Either way, if you ask “is it true?” to whatever you’re thinking…you may wait, pause, feel quiet, notice that you are not only your thoughts, find benefits to things the way they are, notice how you can feel peace for no reason.
If you ask “is it true?” you may discover there is nothing to do, and it isn’t. You just really don’t know.
“Do not seek the truth: only cease to cherish opinions….if you wish to know the truth, then hold no opinion for or against anything. To set up what you like against what you dislike is a disease of the mind.” ~ Seng-Ts’an
Blessings to all who decide to play the chess move with the universe that says it’s time to die, who kill themselves or kill other people around them, or annihilate all possibilities and burn bridges.
And blessings to all who look on others who take that path, and feel sad about their suffering.
All I can do in this moment right now is to notice the urge to think something is good, or bad, or that I am against or for it, or that I like this or hate that…but I have no idea if any of it is true.
And I know nothing about what is next, for anyone. I just know the easiest way is to rest in peace. Stop. Relax. Hold Still.
Robin Williams, and all the other people who have committed suicide, ever, and everyone who has ever had a violent, scared, abusive, fearful, horrifying thought….Rest In Peace.
Thank you for helping me see.
RIP.
Much love, Grace