Recently on retreat with about 400 people and the great teacher Adyashanti, our evenings were open to what is called satsang.
If you’re unfamiliar with the term satsang, it’s a gathering for having a spiritual conversation, to ask questions of a teacher, to hear answers about sacred matters of any kind. Everyone present gets to listen to the interactions.
You learn a ton when listening to other people ask their questions, tell their stories, and hear the conversations they have. Just like many classrooms of all kinds. This has always been a component of many educational gatherings. I’ve always loved listening to the crazy and wonderful things people ask, since I was a kid.
The first night, every so often I’d say inside my head “raise your hand”.
That voice is such a pest sometimes, you know?
“Awwww, come on! You flew on an airplane to be here, now raise your hand! You have questions! Pick one and ask it!”
I noticed how that voice had it’s usual edgy tone, but the thing is, it appears I let that voice be there now instead of trying to hammer it away.
I also noticed, no hand connected to me got raised.
Hilarious, really.
I listened intently to the others. I had the thought “Well, it’s fine if I don’t ask a question. This is fine the way it is. I’m still basking in this incredible wisdom. I’m good. What-ev.”
The next night, the same thing happened. Little voice talking, no hand raised.
Well, OK, at the end of the night at the last second, a meek half-up hand almost like I’m embarrassed or something. Of course not called on. Goofy.
(But there really are a lot of people. Is this really necessary? You’ll probably get all you need, and more, if you just sit here and listen. I mean, for gawd sakes you don’t have to go to the mic every time. Stop with the ideas about speaking up! NOT NECESSARY!)
Out walking on the third day, before satsang, along the blustery beach wearing my down jacket, I had more of a real conversation besides all the bossing around….
…..Ahhhh….that’s more like it.
More friendly.
What questions do I have, really? What would I really, really like to ask? What if I had one shot at a question of this man’s wise soul I genuinely appreciate and respect?
I had so many questions I thought of, I didn’t land on any one. Too much pressure. Too much planning.
But I felt different as I entered the great hall that night.
I raised my hand. Like, real raising your hand, like you mean it. You aren’t waving around desperate or anything.
Just, bam.
Question. Here. Now. Hello.
Adya called on me.
I walked to the microphone.
“If you feel passionate, and speak up, take the risk to say what’s on your mind….how do you know when to stop? I mean, Jesus, Martin Luther King, Gandhi….those guys had a sudden ending because of speaking up, you know?”
And there I was *risking* speaking up, in my version of risk.
Which involved walking about twenty feet, talking into a microphone with a really, really amazing, peaceful and honest person, and then sitting down.
Except, I noticed I had no fear or heart thumping, so maybe all the supposed risk was in the advanced anticipation.
Adya pointed out how the people in history that I mentioned were playing on really huge, big stages in the story of humanity. They even seemed to know of the possible outcome, but said what they said anyway.
That was their life, not mine.
And he said I could question the concept of nervousness about speaking up. I could question whether I really WAS nervous. Could I be excited? Could I be energized, moved, inspired, passionate?
Do I really need to know when to stop? Do I even think about that before talking?
No.
The conversation was so very simple.
The idea was not new to me about questioning a feeling.
But I found, I felt more thrilled to be exactly who I am than ever. Whatever arises inside me, expressing it easily, naturally.
No one but me can do that.
And I do not need to know when to stop. Just like I didn’t know when to raise my hand clearly, until I did.
No one but YOU can express YOU.
Because you are here, being you, it is wonderful.
“Truth never explains why it’s moving that way at that moment. And if you ask, it won’t give any information. It would be like a leaf asking the wind, ‘Why are you moving that way right now?’ The question doesn’t make any sense to the wind.” ~ Adyashanti
Much love, Grace