silent treatment – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

August 10, 2017

They’re giving me the Silent Treatment!

LIVE Facebook Friday (today!) at 11:30 am Pacific Time. The topic this time is why not to do The Work on YOURSELF….why look outside yourself to judgment (which we’re taught NEVER to do). I’ll share at the end about the upcoming Year of Inquiry program which is starting in a month.

If you don’t know about how to watch a facebook live event, it’s a simple way to use a phone video camera to connect with everyone right on facebook. It’s completely LIVE, as in Real Time. The way you can participate and watch, while it’s happening, is on my facebook page: Head over to WorkWithGrace on Facebook. (Like the page while you’re there, it helps spread the word).

Year of Inquiry is a remarkable program where you get to question your stressful beliefs for an entire year, with an amazing group of people. We learn to “be” our honest selves, and question what we think is wrong with life, in any way whatsoever. Including ourselves.

As a preview to help with deepening our internal work, I’m offering my free masterclass immersion: TEN BARRIERS that BLOCK THE WORK on August 22nd at 8:30 am Pacific Time (like, for example, feeling horribly embarrassed and ashamed you’ve screwed up–that would be Barrier #8). The class is 2 hours long with a huge amount of information.

There will be a Q & A at the very end of the Immersion Class on 8/22 about the new Year of Inquiry starting September 5th. Register for the free immersion class right HERE. It will be recorded, so if you can’t attend, you’ll receive the link for the replay. Feel free to share this with anyone you know who may be interested.

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Speaking of feeling ashamed that you’ve done something wrong….I noticed this appeared twice in recent group inquiries in Summer Camp for The Mind which is underway right now.

And then, it appeared again when working with a lovely inquirer only yesterday.

The situation: someone didn’t show up, someone said “no” in a harsh way, someone gave you the silent treatment.

You’re upset with them, even angry. And you’re also wondering if YOU are the kind of person who does something to deserve being stood up.

The mind moves into thoughts like “this always happens to me” or “I must be communicating poorly” or “I’m obviously an idiot” or “I make arrangements with the wrong kinds of people”.

You just get an overall feeling you’re wrong, bad, off, screwing up.

Even if you also blame that other person over there for not being responsible or reliable, there’s an attack on the self.

What I appreciate noticing about the Attack of The Self, is it comes out of a stressful thought about someone else. So, it’s a reaction to another stressful belief you’re assuming is true. If you were happily going about your business with absolutely no one else around, you wouldn’t feel this cutting self-criticism.

They’re giving me the silent treatment (no show, no response, no communication).

It means lots of bad things, including this thing about me that I must be asking for it or creating it somehow.

But let’s take a look at the original thought, that this silent non-communicative experience is terrible….and that other person is giving it to me.

Is it true they’re giving you the silent treatment?

YES!!

I’ve reached out. I’ve left messages. I’ve emailed. Nada.

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

Well….they could be frightened, or not know what to say, or be too angry to return my call. There’s that. It wouldn’t exactly be “giving” me the silent treatment on purpose, just for the heck of it. There’s a reason this silence is happening, and it may have something to do with them, not just me.

It might not be such a bad thing, compared to the alternative. It might not mean what I think it means.

How do you react when you believe they’re giving you the silent treatment?

Depressed. Self-condemning. Furious.

Going over the exchanges prior to the silence–what was said, or expected, in the past? Deciding that person is rude, obnoxious, screwed up. Ripping them to shreds in my mind.

Not enjoying the moment, that’s for sure.

So who would you be without this very stressful belief that they are giving you the silent treatment, and it’s awful? Without the thought it means something bad about you, or about anyone, or about life?

Huh?

You mean the silent treatment could be fine, or not a problem, or not so big a deal?

Who would I be, what would I be, how would I sit with that moment of No Person showing up, No Phone call coming in, No Text, No Email, No Letter, No Knock On The Door? What would that be like, to not fret about this thing called Silent Treatment?

I’d notice the present moment. The room I’m surrounded by, the chair I’m sitting in, the brightness of the day, the great quiet of the moment. Except in my thoughts, everything is very sweet and quiet.

Without the thought, I’d be free, and peaceful, and curious about that person I’m wondering about from time to time.

I’d trust that not everyone is supposed to be in communication with me at every moment. It’s better that way. Pausing, sabbaticals, rest, total silence is highly desirable, honestly. Why not right now?

Turning the thought around: I am giving myself the silent treatment (no show, no response, no communication).

Haha! Yes. I’m locked in on the stories of being ignored, or shunned, or avoided, or abandoned. My mind is full of horror stories of sadness, disappointment, loss, rejection. I’m feeding myself these images. I’m believing they’re true. I’m not communicating any love, responsiveness. I’m not showing up for me.

Turning it around again: That person is NOT giving me the silent treatment.

How could this be just as true, or truer?

Well, I see how wonderful my life, and how full, in this very moment. No absence, no abandonment, unless I believe in it. I’m sitting in my favorite chair, in my gorgeous little cottage. I have friends and family to connect with who are super cool and very supportive.

Perhaps noise, or conversation, is not required in the moment.

It isn’t.

How do I know?

That’s what is happening. It’s reality.

Turning it around again: I am giving that other person the silent treatment.

I know this can feel untrue, given you have reached out and that other person is not responding.

How could it be just as true that YOU are being silent? What are you being silent about? What have you not shared? What have you withheld? Where have you not communicated, or shown up, or responded freely and honestly?

Oooooh.

I have not said the truth to that person many times. I haven’t reached out when I’ve been upset. I haven’t said when I’m genuinely angry. I haven’t spoken up about my own preferences, I haven’t spoken up or asked questions when I’m curious or confused. I haven’t said what scares me, or what I’d prefer to change about our relationship.

I haven’t shared honestly.

Who’s the person who’s given the Silent Treatment?

Oh. That would be me.

To myself, to the other person.

“This is the end of the war inside you. I’m a lover of reality. How do I know I’m better off with what is? It’s what is.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

We’ve been taught we’re being given the Silent Treatment and that this is VERY BAD.

But that’s a very fearful story.

Without this story, you may notice the reality that whatever is happening is Reality’s way: Support. A break. Quiet. Time to do The Work.

Without my story of being stood up, forgotten, given silence (oh bad)….I love reality.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Come see how the problem is not you….it’s only your stressful thinking. Join me in the Immersion Class on August 22nd 8:30 am Ten Barriers to The Work and How To Dissolve Them. Click HEREto register.

July 27, 2016

She should communicate with me!

Have you ever been ghosted?

Oh man. The open imagination when someone is giving you the silent “treatment” is strange and difficult, if you don’t have inquiry to question your thoughts.

Your mind races in so many tangents. You wonder if that person who isn’t responding to you, or who is not making eye contact, or who isn’t saying anything….

….is scheming against you, or angry with you, or hating you, or thinking you’re unworthy and stupid and too boring or undeserving to care about.

I mean, wow.

I’ve had two people “ghost” me in my life. Talk about going off on a tangent! Even though I already KNEW I didn’t KNOW what it fully meant.

How could I?

The response I was getting was…..silence.

In childhood psychological development studies, researchers have observed sometimes children prefer negative, violent or critical communication over NO communication.

“Give me something….anything. What’s wrong? What’d I do?”

Let’s take a look today at this very painful belief when it runs in the mind: that person should communicate with me.

A memory.

I have an amazing friend who I’ve known only for about two years. We’ve had long conversations about human psychology and development. We share graduate studies in human behavior.

Our connection builds over time, with walks and dinners and attending a fabulous women’s retreat together (which is where we met). We talk into the night.

She comes to my wedding, but I don’t see her much. I notice her absence, but the days of the wedding festivities are so full and so fabulous, I hardly pay attention.

It never crossed my mind something was wrong.

She said she didn’t feel well, and she didn’t attend the rehearsal dinner. I assumed she was taking care of herself.

A week after the wedding, once I was settled back at home with my husband (we were postponing our honeymoon adventure for the following summer) I called her.

I left a message, bubbling with enthusiasm and questions “Did you get to talk with my cousin? Did you meet my aunt and uncle? How are you feeling? So sorry you were sick during all the celebrations. Call me ASAP!”

No call.

I email.

I receive an email back “I’m sooooo busy. Sorry! Didn’t want to bother YOU after your wedding. Off to another wedding, will make contact in a few weeks once my schedule relaxes.”

A month goes by.

I email again.

“Is everything OK?”

I didn’t ask “Are you upset with me?” because I genuinely didn’t have the slightest thought she could be.

So funny, when I know now what she was upset about. She was disturbed by something that never happened, but I can see completely how she was mistaken because of my dry sense of humor when writing.

Or who knows. She saw me through her glasses, and it was someone dangerous. Someone doing something wrong. Someone to be critical of.

I didn’t know it yet, though.

I just felt uneasy.

She should communicate with me.

Is it true?

Yes. This is weird. I love her. We are super close. She’s like a sister to me.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true, she should communicate?

No. I really can’t know this. And I am very happy, without the communication. My life was especially fun and sweet at that moment, post wedding.

How did I react when believing she should communicate?

I begin to review my behavior, or try to guess what’s going on, and I cannot find anything, so I let it go…..over and over again. I compulsively think I must have missed something. I begin to think she just didn’t like something about the wedding? She was uncomfortable with the non-traditional character of it? She didn’t like the people. Something?

I even think “Fine. Be that way” and find benefits for not being her friend. I call her names in my head. I create a list of faults. I’m better off without her.

But it bothers me, like a splinter that won’t come out.

I talk with other friends about it.

I realize I haven’t been fully, completely honest. If I really opened up my heart and spoke freely, I’d call her again and ask her some questions and tell her how I feel.

First, I do The Work. I feel clear.

My living turnaround is “I should communicate with her”.

I call her.

Voice Mail.

I say “I really love and miss you. I’m wondering if something happened. Did I do something to trouble you? You mean so much to me. I just really wanted you to know, I love you.”

I say this with a lot of words, I share some events, I’m trying to stay casual and not make a big dramatic thing out of it. The voice mail even cuts me off and I go ahead and call back and finish my message and say “Goodbye! I hope we get the chance to talk, if you’re able!”

She emails back thanking me for the sweet phone messages and apologizing for all the time gone by and she’s incredibly busy and just can’t talk right now.

I listen a think “huh.”

Maybe the intimate connection was not as I thought.

Who would I be without the belief “she should communicate with me”?

I’d notice she DID communicate with me.

Maybe this is a friendly universe, telling me who not to talk with.

I am indeed an extremely introverted person who adores spending time alone.

I turn the thought around every way possible:

She should not communicate with me. I should communicate with her. I should communicate with myself.

One at a time, I look at these turned around statements.

Given what I learned several months later, I realize she definitely couldn’t communicate with me. Not given what she mistakenly thought I did. But without knowing this yet, in that moment, the way it was good for me that she shouldn’t communicate was where I found my examples: I didn’t have to plan long drives to meet her at an expensive restaurant somewhere, spend a lot of money, feel sleepy the following morning after our binge-conversations. I didn’t have to say “no” to too-frequent invites to get together.

I should communicate with her. Yes, it was so powerful to feel the vulnerability of calling and leaving two messages in a row and saying I loved her. It felt like I exposed the full truth, no matter what she thought of me or what was going on. In the end, there was love.

I should communicate with myself in this situation. Yes, I should enjoy my own thoughts, my own mind trying to sort things out. I should notice what an interesting person I find myself to be, and how much I love, and how good it feels to be a lover of what is.

How could it be good news that person doesn’t communicate with you as you like? What if their communication level is just perfect, not too little, not too much?

“And it appears that I always have a preference for the thing happening now. I prefer the sun in the morning, and I prefer the moon at night. And I prefer to be with the person in front of me now.” ~ Byron Katie

If YOU are the one in front of you now….oh boy. What a treat, what a treat.

Thank you to everyone who gave me the incredible gift of silence, thank you. It’s not always easy.

Or maybe….I could question that.

Much love, Grace

P.S. I’m offering a masterclass webinar next week (you can choose August 4th or August 9th) addressing places we get stuck in inquiry. This concept that someone should communicate differently, or at all, is often one of those sticky, painful concepts, especially if you think badly of yourself because of the silence of someone else. Join me to learn about ways to help yourself get un-stuck with your work. We’ll have an awesome time. To reserve your seat, visit here.