sickness – Page 2 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

December 4, 2013

Get Your Body Problem Solved

It was the evening of the day after Thanksgiving. The night was very dark and chilly. It had been a quiet day full of reading, (some clients for me), and watching an old movie we all wanted to see because it won Best Picture in 1970.

Inside our little cottage it was very toasty, bright and cozy.

My son then noticed he didn’t feel that good. He went to bed. In the morning, he threw up.

An hour later, he threw up again. And a little later, again.

Then my daughter threw up.

Going into “mom” mode, I’m getting them medicine, feeling their foreheads for their temperature, going out to buy them anything they’ll drink to get rehydrated. A day of attending to the sick, but doing other things as well.

We’re all analyzing what they ate, for food poisoning analysis.

Then, my husband threw up. He never gets sick, not like this.

I have the thought enter my mind “uh oh.”

Then right away, “Wow, I haven’t gotten it! It’s going to pass me by, I’m going to avoid it, maybe I’ll never feel a thing!”

A day later, I myself am throwing up, several times during the night. Followed by the fever and chills for 24 hours that everyone else also has.

A little experience of illness will get any mind going, if it’s not questioned, with thoughts of alarm.

In my mind, I’m thinking about the great plague of Europe and how it rampaged through everyone and killed the majority of the population.

The body is vulnerable, there is no one who is protected against illness, I can be destroyed.

Nooooooo!!!!!

(And by the way….I also thought….isn’t the whole torn off hamstring enough? Apparently not).

Fortunately for me, one of the YOI groups started its new topic this month: The Work on The Body.

I guide everyone through filling out the Judge Your Body worksheet right there on the phone together, so we take the time (so easy to dismiss) to sit and consider what our most stressful, painful, agonizing beliefs are about this body.

People found that as they allowed their judgments to come to the surface, they sometimes felt embarrassed or nervous about saying them out loud. Sometimes I have felt superficial when I identify my stressful beliefs on my body, like I shouldn’t care this much about the body being healthy, or looking “attractive” or being in top condition.

Everyone gets sick, stop complaining!

But rejecting these thoughts or shoving them away and trying to think positively doesn’t really work. Not when I’ve been sad, or terrified, anxious or alarmed.

So…..how wonderful to have The Work for identifying deeper emotional pain around living in this body.

“I shouldn’t get sick”.

Is it true?

Yes, how could that not be true? What purpose would getting sick offer? How could there be ANYTHING useful, good, or advantageous about getting sick?

Who set this universe up anyway?!!! I need to have a word!!!

(Notice how the mind goes from not liking the situation to finding out whose fault it is in less than 2 seconds).

Can I absolutely know that its true that I shouldn’t get sick? That no one should ever, ever get sick?

Well….since sickness has existed for as long as humans have existed, as far as I now, then it can not be true that sickness SHOULDN’T exist. Because it does.

But maybe I don’t know something about all this. Maybe my version of health or sickness is not quite….accurate, shall we say?

How do I react when I believe that I shouldn’t get sick, that my family shouldn’t, or that anyone I know shouldn’t?

When they get sick….I’m against it.

I’m sad, discouraged, angry, depressed, frightened. I think about the plague.

But who would I be without the thought that I shouldn’t get sick?

When our YOI group got to answering this question together on the phone, they almost didn’t know how to even imagine what they’d be like, without the thought that this body appeared to be a problem.

Yet if you take only a moment, without the thought that there is a problem….

….isn’t it lighter? Even quite astonishing?

The fear dissolves, the focus on this body softens. The sense of it being a part of a greater force of life, nature, or Whatever, is clear.

“The mind is only at war with itself. It’s as though on one side you have the terrified mind, the child, the I-know mind. “I’m so frightened, I’m so frightened! I have cancer, it’s so terrible, I know, I know, I know. I’m sick, I’m going to die.” And then over here, on the other side, we have the mind that is still and quiet and wise. This mind does not move. It rests in its own wisdom. When you put the questions in between them, it’s like a bridge for this one to travel over.” ~ Byron Katie

I turn the thought around to the opposite “I should get sick”.

This doesn’t mean I should believe that getting sick is the best and most wonderful thing that ever happened….but perhaps I am mistaken about its horrors.

For myself, I notice that in these past few days, examples of it being true that I should get sick (besides the obvious example that I WAS sick) was that I noticed how OK everything was anyway.

Our family kept talking about what we might have eaten, or how the illness traveled invisibly, or what was in our throw up, or how fascinating that the body does this weird thing.

Everyone was taking care of one another, everyone changed gears and stayed home.

I cancelled appointments and rescheduled them. I slept. I thought about the body and it’s vulnerability and felt a release, an acceptance, a surrender. No way out.

I may discover more. But I feel sort of….excited. Like it’s no big deal.

There is a mind here, present at all times, resting in its own wisdom. I have it, you have it….we all do.

“The Unknown is more vast, more open, more peaceful, and more freeing than you ever imagined it would be. If you don’t experience it that way, it means you’re not resting there; you’re still trying to know. That will cause you to suffer because you’re choosing security over Freedom. When you rest deeply in the Unknown without trying to escape, your experience becomes very vast. As the experience of the Unknown deepens, your boundaries begin to dissolve. You realize, not just intellectually but on a deep level, that you have no idea who or what you are.” Adyashanti

Who would you be without your story that your body is vulnerable, and this is a dangerous situation?

What if its not even YOUR body?

Love, Grace

October 24, 2013

I Gotta Get Outta Here!

I was lying on a flat white slab in pale blue hospital scrubs. All jewelry, hair clip, rings removed.

The technicians put a strap around my ankles to bind them together, and something heavy and flat across my upper torso.

They asked me if I wanted to listen to music and when I nodded yes, they put a big earphone head set over my head. On top of the earplugs I already had inserted.

Then with buzzing and whirrs and machine sounds, I was pushed into a white donut hole tube, with the wall only inches above my face.

Suddenly, I had the feeling of going into a coffin….um, OK. Are you sure this thing is safe?

Jeez, is this really necessary, I mean, it’s not like this procedure taking pictures of my hip will actually STOP the injury pain, right?

Maybe, on second thought, I’m good.

Nevermind! I don’t need an MRI afterall!

“To he who is in fear, everything russles.” ~ Sophocles

Heh heh.

Almost immediately as I went into the tube…..with my gut starting to clench with slight unexpected panic….something also reminded me of inquiry, like almost simultaneously.

I’m trapped, I need to get outta here, this is dangerous.

Is this true?

This is not the only time I’ve believed this thought.

Have you ever been in a dark alley on a rainy night, a run-down warehouse on the edge of town, or an abandoned car on a remote highway?

Like, you know, people in those scary movies? (That I will NEVER watch, by the way).

Or what about at a family holiday gathering? A huge too-loud concert? A really really boring meeting? Or when you just did something kind of embarrassing.

I’m trapped, I need to get outta here, this is dangerous.

Right?

I love it when inquiry rises up to the moment.

Is it actually true? Seriously? Entirely true?

Am I really not safe, and trapped?

No.

How do I react when I believe it? When the thought shouts in my head?

A wave of adrenaline blasts through my system. I have pictures of not being able to move, of dying a slow death of suffocation, gasping desperately for air.

I’m a victim. No way out. Really scary music starts playing in the back ground, or really sad music.

So who would I be without the thought that in this situation, I’m trapped, or that I have to get out, or that I’m in danger?

Pretty huge question. But very profound.

Without the thought that I am not safe, my whole entire body relaxes.

I don’t know what’s in store for me, but just any sense of openness to what might happen next, there is a tinge of sweetness.

I don’t have to love it, I don’t have to be overjoyed about this situation…but I notice I’m not overwhelmed with fear.

Even when I feel some fear. It’s not all of me.

In the big MRI machine, I hold really still so this doesn’t have to go any longer than necessary, and I fall asleep.

Without the thought that some location is unsafe, terrifying, dangerous….

….I look around and see space, shapes, light, absence of light, I hear sounds, quiet, silence, I feel air against my skin.

I notice that nothing is happening to my actual body.

I am free, I don’t need to go anywhere, this is safe.

In this moment, this is entirely and completely true, just right in this exact short moment with no future.

Everything very alive, pulsing, moving. Strong energy present.

In other words, I’m not turning passive, I’m not denying that things are alert, strong, and powerful in this organism.

But I am looking very clearly at what is and what is NOT true.

“Fear and insecurity always wait for any and all who dare to probe the depths of the Unknown. The true seeker of liberation must have an uncompromising desire to discover Eternal Truth, a desire that outweighs any tendency to hesitate and contract in the face of fear. It is only when the fear of the Unknown is openly embraced that it begins to transform into the positive energy and intensity necessary to awaken from conditioned existence.” ~ Adyashanti

As I investigate even the smallest worry honestly….

…I may become accepting of my fear, fascinated with the insecurity that bubbles up.

This is aliveness, desire, intensity!

I’m ready to bust out of all those conditioned beliefs about being trapped in coffins and what-not.

It was only my thinking that was trapped, victimized, fearful, and dangerous!

Everything else was fine.

Woohoo!

If you’re wanting connection with others to examine fears that come forward around Pain, Sickness and Death….then what a wonderful time to do it. The PSD Teleclass starts next Tuesday, 5:15-6:45 pm Pacific time. Limited to 8 participants.

Love, Grace

April 12, 2013

Have A Body? Lose Control

Only a few more weeks of the early-registration fee of $295 for the Breitenbush retreat focusing on the issues we have with our bodies….more on that in a minute! After May 1st the registration fee goes up to $350. We have an amazing group forming. The retreat is limited to 14. The fee I just mentioned is the tuition…everyone coming phones Breitenbush to reserve your chosen accommodations (tent platform or your own bungalow?) and delicious meals.

Click HERE to read all about it.

What does it mean to do The Work on The Body?

Well….have you ever had a stressful thought about your body? A thought that when you think it, you experience discomfort of any kind?

Spending some time with the stress about having a body like yours can be quite revealing. Thoughts about the body are so critical, agonizing, and painful…and then, we’ll have thoughts about ourselves and how we really shouldn’t HAVE these critical thoughts about our bodies.

First the thought, as I pass the glass window on the street “gosh, your butt looks too big” or “wow, your face really is looking old these days”. Then the thought “I can’t believe you’re not OVER criticizing your looks at your age, you should know not to care”. Then the thought “I need to relax, take care of my superficial thoughts, handle my health better”.

And so on. The cycle of “thinking” in a compulsive way along the lines of things not being good the way they are.

Especially this body. So imperfect and so frail.

Bodies can be the entry point into awakening like no other. With this thing I live in, called a body, I am aware of my need to be attractive to other humans, my desire to be attractive to myself, my frailty, pain, weakness, the smallness or temporariness of being in this body..death and impermanence.

My thoughts about my body are, in fact, thoughts about life and death. They all lead to the most profound, similar place.

For me, the mind can start spewing thoughts so quickly on the body, it’s faster than a speeding bullet!

I wish I were twenty years younger again
I don’t have enough time (here on the planet)
my hip should stop hurting
I need to do yoga, stop aging, have zero pain
dying is not going to be fun or easy
I hate when other people die
I hate feeling bad, I never want to get sick again
my face shouldn’t have wrinkles, my hair shouldn’t turn gray, my feet shouldn’t hurt

The list goes on. There are cures, too, around every corner. You can start in on all kinds of ways to “solve” the “problem” of having this condition.

And yet, as I inquire over time, even on the dumbest most mundane thoughts about my body, I get such insight and love for this thing that it becomes simple, easy, and not a source of regret or wishful thinking.

I love being exactly in this body, at this time, at this age, with these little feelings and conditions. It’s magnificent…it’s surrender. I see how it does not take changing or altering this body to experience joy, love, acceptance, connection, intimacy and peace.

Doing The Work on the body leads to the grandest, most wonderful questions and awareness that I am not this body, there is much more here….and that for some reason, this whole thing is temporary.

What if your thoughts looked instead for the benefits in your condition? The opposite sort of experiences?

I wish I were twenty years older…I’d be closer to that fun moment called death (or croaking) that I’ve heard a zillion things about but will only experience once
I have all the time I would ever need on this planet, in this lifetime
my hip should keep hurting, it’s a sensation that’s speaking
I don’t need to do anything, I need to keep aging (that would be weird to stop aging), I need to have great pain and notice I can learn to relax with it, and that it leaves
dying is going to be the easiest thing I’ve ever done…I won’t even be doing it (finally it won’t be up to me, kinda like life if I really think about it)
I experience great love when other people die (so far, always true)
I’m open to feeling physically bad, I’m open to getting sick again…there are advantages and I can find them
my face should have wrinkles, my hair should turn gray, my feet should hurt…I get to have this amazing aging experience in this life (vs die young).

By having this body, as it does exactly what it does, I get to see how nature works in this particular form. I get to respond to this particular body, I get to feel what reality/God/source is offering through this body.

I get to see how much more I am than this body. This mind doing its amazing thing…wondering, exploring, feeling, sensing. Body and mind and beyond all interacting. A great mystery.

The most amazing thing is how free I am, even with this body. Everyone is.

“Now sweetheart, close your eyes, and go to the place where you are very, very ill….Now see if you can locate the place that doesn’t care. The place that really isn’t bothered by it. It’s there. See if you can locate it—the part of you that is unaffected. The part of you that just watches. Go back to the last time you were in so much pain and see if you can locate it……Go back with it again. It’s a part—no matter how much pain you’re in—it’s witnessing, watching…..Good. That’s the one that cares nothing for control. So let that one grow. It cares nothing for control.”~Byron Katie

Inquiring into your thoughts about your body, you may find very quickly that you are inquiring about what it means to be alive, and to know you will die.

For me, this is spiritual awakening. Surrender, gratitude…the freedom of not caring.

Do The Work on your body and have a glorious time caring nothing for what everyone else thinks, what you think. (Join us at Breitenbush).

“If you want to become whole, let yourself be partial. If you want to become straight, let yourself be crooked. If you want to become full, let yourself be empty. If you want to be reborn, let yourself die. If you want to be given everything, give everything up.”~Tao Te Ching #22

Love, Grace

October 7, 2012

Being Sick Happens

Being sick or having pain in the body is typically difficult for most humans.

This hurts. It should stop. I need help. This is a problem.

Here is this body, which normally we think of as “ours”, which we’re inhabiting. It’s making noise right now. It’s bringing attention to itself, or part of itself, it seems.

So what do we mean by “this is a problem”?

I just had a fever for about 30 hours, sleeping from 7:00 pm until dawn two nights in a row. Very unusual. It appears to be gone this morning, although my stomach still hurts and is very tender to the touch.

Part of the mind kicks into high gear “What did I eat? What could this be? Am I reacting to that flu shot? Where’s the Tylenol? I must do everything I can to get rid of this.”

The mind is interested in the past and the future. What happened (so I can understand it and prevent it) and what can I do to get rid of it in the future. Hopefully the NEAR future.

But with inquiry, something else also arises with sickness or pain, I’ve noticed. I feel all the sensations and strangely, without really trying, I begin to find advantages. I’m not kidding, this happens almost as quickly as the resistance to the pain. Weird.

So what is good about this fever state over the past couple of days? What is useful? Even just a drop of usefulness…it doesn’t have to be amazing, life-changing, or fantastic.

I happen to be traveling, on my way to a meditation retreat, so with this stomach pain increasing I notice how well I still move from point A to point B, just at a slower pace.
I don’t have to worry about finding something good to eat for lunch when I get off the plane.
I go straight to a hotel room instead of exploring the area, I spend the day by myself quietly, I go to sleep for 12 hours.
I participate in the meditation retreat even though my whole body is pulsing with fever and all my bones ache, I know being right here is fabulous and better than anywhere else.
I notice that I completely forget about my body for sections of time, because my mind gets very interested in the teaching, the conversation, the questions raised by participants in this retreat.
I don’t think about where or how to exercise, run or move the body in the usual daily practice I have of doing that.
I remember how this body is not all of me, it is some kind of vehicle, it will die and dissolve one day, it has a limited life span, this physical thing is all temporary…for me and for everyone. That’s the way of it.
I realize how vulnerable this body is, and get the chance once again to contemplate this vulnerability as NOT being terrible. Could it even be beautiful? Vulnerability, after all, is open, sensitive, delicate, gentle and without defense. Quiet and fearless.

Then suddenly I am amazed. Feeling ill has brought this reflection on the temporary nature of this body. I could die this weekend (although probably not, chuckle).

I see how this one part of my mind doesn’t like that idea. It feels afraid of dying. It is against pain and accidents and sickness. It demands wellness at all times.

I laugh, though, because that Dictator Defender part of the mind, I see, is only afraid.

It thinks that “I” am this body…that I am important as this body. It thinks that if this body dies, then “I” will end and that is BAD.

The Dictator Defender thinks there is danger lurking here.

I need to LIVE!!!

Really? Is it true? What for?

The world will continue to revolve, life will spring up everywhere, in fact right now in the present moment, life and death are happening all over the place.

The people I love and who love me will go on and have amazing adventures…that would happen whether I was alive or dead actually.

Reality, the Universe, All This…seems to be changing constantly; unstable, morphing, moving, undulating, alive, transforming.

I discover here, with sickness, that I imagined that I would miss something if I were ill. That it would be better if I were not ill. I absolutely cannot know that this is true.

In fact, I’m pretty dang sure in this moment that it is incredible to have been feverish for a day and a half. I just learned or re-learned that what I truly am is not this body.

I am a part of a great Consciousness that continues, exists, and contains everything, where things within it come and go. This body doesn’t matter, really.

“In the beginning was the Tao. All things issue from it; all things return to it….Seeing into darkness is clarity. Knowing how to yield is strength. Use your own light and return to the source of light. This is called practicing eternity.”~Tao Te Ching #52

Maybe it is not sad that this body doesn’t matter. Just imagine if it wasn’t. Maybe it is not frightening, or depressing, or shocking.

Who would you be without that thought that you need this body, you need this body to be healthy, you need to live, or you need to defend against vulnerability, sickness or death?

Wow. I would be observing. Noticing. Amazed. Watching. Here Now. Not Afraid. Not Against.

I would also take Tylenol and drink lots of water. Which I did.