Tag: sibling rivalry

Posted on

No one can deprive you of water. Or love.

Sibling rivalry.

We’ve all heard the term, we know what it is.

But ugh, when you feel it yourself….it’s very painful.

And it doesn’t have to be “sibling” to hurt. Rivalry in any form, between any two people or groups, can turn very sour, very heart-breaking.

People frequently feel this kind of angst with their former spouse, with a boss who fired them, with a friend who shocked them, with a partner who betrayed them.

Rivalry.

But for me this past weekend, it was rivalry of the sibling kind.

I did or said something, or the whole family did or said something, or our mother did or said something…..and now one sibling has been radio silent for about a year.

Until.

The big extended family function that just happened.

How many times has an inquirer contacted me to do The Work when a wedding, funeral, graduation or other kind of ceremony is scheduled, and they anticipate seeing their rival?

It’s OK when they aren’t around, but being in their presence incites the pain all over again, and the fear.

At least, that’s what I noticed happened with me.

It was almost embarrassing, because I “thought” I had done The Work on this person. I had remembered so many moments from childhood I appreciated with her. I knew I loved her so very much–love was not the issue. I had become aware of how much I admired her. I accepted she needs a sabbatical. I left her alone.

But the lack of acknowledgement hurt. The silence.

It all appeared in an instant.

The family event is underway. People are cooking, tables are set. Big greetings and hugs are happening as people who haven’t seen on another for years connect. Ooohs and aaaahs and sounds of joy fly into the air. The big day has arrived.

And then, someone whispers that the relative in question just showed up. “She’s here!”

What do I do? A wave of nervousness runs through my stomach. I’ll be so very happy if she approaches. Anything, something.

Nothing.

During the entire day of festivities, conversations, then evening celebration. Nada.

The hurt comes waving through. Like a voice from a 5 year old child.

She hates me. 

Here’s my proof. No eye contact. No words. No connection attempted.

Super awkward.

Other siblings don’t seem to have the same trouble with it (I check in with two of them). They appear unruffled and Whatever about it.

So not only does she hate me, but other family members are more mature and relaxed and detached about this person. I must really have a problem. My mind is racing. I feel even worse.

I begin to do The Work. Again. But this time, a new and different thought, and from the point of view of an inner five year old.

The word “rivalry” comes from a Latin word for stream or brook (rivus). The root word “ri” is run or flow. Rivalry are two people who share the same stream of water. Or really, two people who compete for it.

Water is a necessity of life. The physical body will die without it.

I often notice, humans (including me) feel that love is a necessity of life. Acceptance, connection, intimacy. The sense that we’re supported, or wanted.

Interesting that this word “rivalry” focuses on the competition for one source, only one winner, people who are equals in their need to share the stream feeling threatened.

In the sense of Sibling Rivalry, the source of this flow is mother or father. Or both. The feeling within is somehow that I’m not going to get it, I’m left out, I’m lost, I’m potentially rejected. The parent isn’t going to give me what I need. What I need is scarce.

And then….the belief that the person competing with me wants me gone, out, shut off, silenced.

She hates me!

Is it true?

Yes. OK, no. I can’t know this is true. In fact, deep down I know we have a powerful connection.

How do I react when I think this thought that she hates me, is threatening me, can’t be bothered to make contact with me?

Awful. Frightened. I want to escape and get out of here. I want to be as far away from this as possible. She should stay on her end of the stream. Or find another stream.

Sometimes, people have reported to me that they feel absolutely horrible about themselves. Discarded like garbage. Unwanted (by lovers leaving them especially).

I noticed I had pictures flashing through my mind of her stony, mean face. I heard her saying nasty things (she didn’t actually say anything). I started thinking it’s perfectly fine not to have her in my life. I make mental lists of what I don’t like about her, trying to justify my position.

But who would I be without my very painful story of hate, of rivalry, of needing her love?

Wow.

I almost couldn’t do it, yet the question hung in the air throughout my time at the big family celebration.

Who would I be without this “problem” on my mind?

Who would I be without this fearful story?

Watching life, people make kind and loving connections. Noticing she’s a part of the family, and her presence is welcome. So is mine. Watching us all share in the stream of life, imperfectly having our hard times or our caring times.

Everyone simply being human.

No one doing it wrong.

Seeing that it’s on my mind, then it isn’t on my mind. Watching me not reach out myself, feeling insecure, feeling like it’s BIG and OMINOUS, then watching me forget about it for an entire conversation with someone in the family, a niece, an aunt, a nephew, a cousin, an uncle, a second cousin once removed, the new partner of a cousin, a great uncle.

Feeling the hot sun, resting in the shade, watching a flock of birds overhead all making unusual bird sounds calling to one another.

Turning the thought around: she loves me, I hate myself, I hate her.

I study this energy I’m calling “hate” that I’ve thought is coming from her.

I notice I have no idea what it is, and I can’t say it’s coming from her either. This thing called “hate” feels very strong, centered in the heart, explosive, wild, mysterious, loving.

Wait….did you say loving?

Haha. Yes.

I see the energy of hate is an energy that says “you matter to me!”

Even if the way you think that person matters is negative, or that you need to get away from them, that they are your rival.

By definition, this rivalry I feel means I am sharing the river with this person. I can’t help it. Sharing is happening.

In this experience of apparently being in the presence of someone who is Other than me, I’m loving myself, I’m hating myself, I’m loving them, I’m hating them, I’m believing they are hating me, and loving me too.

All crashing together like a gigantic wave.

Part of the family events for the weekend included a river float trip. Everyone receiving their own inner tube and paddles, getting taken in a van up the river to float home over a 4 hour ride.

The river held the entire family. All the bodies, ages, emotions.

The river shared by almost 40 people, and 4000 more (truly) on a hot summer day in a gorgeous, cold, gentle river.

Eagles flying overhead, wild ducks and half-grown babies all following the mother, big trout flashing down below the surface, long brown carp hugging the bottom, fresh sweet water rolling along, big round rocks and boulders to swerve around under the surface.

Sharing was happening, and competition was not required. A faster speed to the finish line was not desired, or required. Survival was not threatened. There was enough comfort, pleasure, peace, sunscreen. Excitement on a moment of rapids, food enjoyed from the tube with the cooler in it, water to drink, sights to see, a time of quiet with eyes closed, moving along without trying.

A great humanity was on this cool river together, including anyone and everyone’s supposed rivalry. Or lack of rivalry. (And by the way, I never saw the person who hates me the entire time–she was somewhere far behind me I’m not even sure where). All of us sharing the stream. Whether people were speaking to each other, or not, or knew one another, or were related, or strangers, or neighbors, or had something to say, or not.

Could it be possible to I’m moving along down the stream, and so is everyone else?

Yes.

And suddenly, the feeling of living the turnaround turns a corner for the first time in a year, after many moments of inquiry and exploration and wonderings and investigation of fear, pain, disappointment, or anger and feeling misunderstood and unloved.

And I take out a pen and paper, ready to write a letter to this person I care about so much, of how I wind up “hating” myself and believing I am hated and thinking I’m cast out, with not enough peace to survive…..and how untrue that all is.

“This is an insane belief. People should stop judging people? What planet do you think you’re on? Make yourself at home here: When you come to planet Earth, you judge us and we judge you. That’s it. It a nice planet to live on, once you get the ground rules straight…..So I’ll strike a deal with you. When YOU stop judging THEM for judging you, then go talk to them about judgment. It may take awhile. No one can deprive me of my family–no one but me.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is 

I like the “it may take awhile” part.

It takes the time it takes, and you may continuously and regularly get to practice.

Just keep going. Like the river itself. Flowing along to the sea.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Two hour entirely free online immersion course TEN BARRIERS that BLOCK THE WORK on August 22nd at 8:30 am Pacific Time (like, for example, hating yourself for not being farther along). Love to have you with me there. Q & A at the end on the new Year of Inquiry starting September 5th. Register for the live class right HERE.

Posted on

Reading someone close your worksheet on THEM (gasp!)

honest
it may seem frightening….but telling the truth is easier.  Judge Your Neighbor, write it down, ask 4 questions, turn it around.

Best. People. Ever. Signing up for Year of Inquiry.

Yesterday, I spoke with someone asking about the partnering thing I mention we do. As in….you have a choice of zero partnering,casual partnering, or immersion partnering.

And what, pray tell, is “immersion partnering”?

This is what the inquirer wanted to know.

First of all, just in case you don’t know…..”partnering” means you are paired with someone else in Year of Inquiry (by moi) and you connect with that person to trade facilitation in The Work.

Actually, you can partner in The Work with anyone, any time. I worked with one lovely woman for 2 years, weekly, both of us facilitating one another through worksheet after worksheet, discovery upon discovery. It was a brilliant sharing of our lives, honestly, together.

One person facilitates, one person does The Work, then you switch roles.

I always have people connect for partnering in my programs, because you get to know each other so very, very well that way. You learn about your own process, you find acceptance for yourself as you reveal your judgments or hear someone else’s. It’s an awesome experience.

Except.

When what you’re hearing hurts, or feels scary. Or the person starts to bug you.

A flash back.

One of my sisters has attended the School for The Work. It’s why I went a few months later, after she reported such immense learning, and came back smiling from ear to ear.

But I don’t feel so close to her, even though we are two School graduates.

We had a major upset about ten years earlier, when I went to visit her across country (to the east coast) with my newborn baby and my then-husband.

Things didn’t go so well back then for that trip. We had a fantastic greeting on day one, enjoyable day two, but then something started going awry on day three, day four. I was irritable, couldn’t sleep well with a nursing baby. My sister had plans for us and I felt like it was impossible to keep to the schedule. My husband was uncomfortable on the futon. Disappointment. Fatigue. Not talking it through. Tension.

My then-husband, me and our baby caught a plane home early.

The whole relationship felt different. What was once super close, now felt immensely distant.

We didn’t speak for a long time. I avoided it. I felt awful. I felt tense. I was sad but didn’t know how to bring up the “problem” which got older and older as time passed.

Then we both within months, as I said, attended the School for The Work.

Ring, ring, ring.

“Hello?”

“It’s your sister. I’m wondering if we can break through what’s been going on for ten years between us, and talk about it.”

Hearts beating. This is scary. Intimacy.

“Agreed”.

We made arrangements to get together in person, for four hours,(I’m pretty sure I said I thought two would be fine) and write worksheets on each other that we would read out loud, and the other one would then facilitate.

Wow.

I thought about the upcoming meeting with nervousness and hope for days before it happened. I felt excited, and terrified. And I knew it was a good thing, at the deepest level.

Before my sister came over to my house, I wrote about three worksheets, noticing my urge to edit what I put there. I wasn’t so great at the time at staying in one situation. I included moments from childhood, I skipped to the time of the terrible visit (ten years in the past now). I chose not to swear, I felt too frightened anyway. I felt a weird mixture of wanting to be completely honest, but wanting to not go overboard or freak out or be enraged. No way.

Despite the carefulness, there was truth on that worksheet. Honest pain and hurt, and saying so.

Her worksheet on me was honest, too.

To get through this wild ride of exposing our inner thoughts about the other, we copied what we had seen Byron Katie do with people when they do The Work on each other up on stage. One person reads their worksheet, looks up, says “I am ____ with YOU, because _____”. The reader gets eye contact. The listener says “thank you.”

Yep. We did that.

I said “thank you” to my younger sister who said something on her worksheet like “I’m angry with you because you got the best of everything, first. I’m angry with you for being so mean to me when I was a kid. I’m angry with you for being so immature about communicating honestly”.

I don’t remember what she said, exactly, but it stung. And it was true….that’s what I remember.

She was right.

We spent four hours facilitating each other, back and forth. It was one of the most intimate, frightening, wonderful, painful experiences I’ve ever had.

Now that’s some serious partnering.

Immersion partnering, has a few tones that are similar.

The people electing to partner with this kind of depth get to capture their judgments about the facilitation and partnering process they’ve just experienced, on paper.

This can be any petty judgments about being asked questions or the way the process unfolded, or the cadence of someone’s voice as they facilitate. These are the kinds of things we grow up being told to NEVER under ANY circumstance say out loud. The little criticisms saying “I don’t like this”.

Since the two partners are usually not family members or close friends (before Year Of Inquiry that is….after YOI they sure might be)….the concepts captured on a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet may seem much less intense than the ones I wrote about my sister, or she wrote about me.

And yet….the same concerns exist between people who don’t know each other well as for people who know and love each other very deeply.

Can I speak what’s true, and not be cut off from love? Can I be honest and safe?

I’m here to say…..yes.

In fact, speaking what’s true for you, even when you’re terrified, can bring you closer to love, and safer than you ever imagined. That’s the funny part.

It can bring you closer to yourself.

No one in Year of Inquiry has to do this immersion level partnering, and anyone can opt-out any time, for periods when they’re away, or need a break, or have lots happening in their lives.

People are free to opt for Zero Partnering. This works, too. You simply want to be facilitated, and find your own answers, and pairing up with others is a bit much for now–you have some deep work to do.

Casual level partnering is the kind I did over two years with the amazing woman I connected with weekly. You bring your Judge Your Neighbor worksheet to the session, you choose how long you’re meeting, and you each get a turn facilitating and being facilitated on a difficult situation in your life. You can do this once a month, or four times a month, it doesn’t matter.

What I like about the people in Year of Inquiry is they test out the waters and try on what’s right for themselves, and they are in all walks of life and all places of experience with The Work.

We’re supporting and moving in this journey together, questioning the stressed out mind and the perspective that sees the water glass as half empty, rather than half full.

No “right” or “wrong” with how we’re doing it. Ever.

And you know what?

I am sooooo very close to that same sister I did The Work with. It’s absolutely awesome. I can trust her to be honest. There’s no wondering what she’s thinking. She shows up. I admire her so much. I feel happy in her presence.

There are still 8 days until Orientation for Year of Inquiry on September 1st. Three more spots make the ideal full YOI. Is one of them yours?

“We’re all children when we believe unquestioned, nursery-school thoughts. ‘He doesn’t like me.’ ‘He’s a bad person.’ ‘It’s not fair.’ ‘I need to be punished.’ ‘ I’ll cry to get what I want.’ ‘I’m a victim.’ ‘You are my problem.’….Have you graduated yet?” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?

Year of Inquiry: a profound commitment

“Doing YOI, I have found it much easier to do the work with other people. I’ve done it enough that it is just in me so I think about it a lot throughout my day. However, that is vastly different than consciously setting a time to do the work. I found this to be more solidifying of the work within me than I realized it would be. It was as though I was out of practice and this got me back into it in a big way. Perhaps something like an athlete that has been out of practice for a while then gets back into it. The strongest part was the action of me making a commitment to do this for an entire year. There was something very profound in that. Having the fellowship of everybody else was very strong for me as well….Much love to you.” (YOI participant 2014) 

Much love, Grace