Tag: sexuality and inquiry

Posted on

When You Question Your Thoughts About Sexuality…

Today is the last day of the 8 week teleclass I’ve been facilitating called Our Wonderful Sexuality.

It was a small class this time. It’s a funny class that way. People really want to investigate their thoughts about sex and sexuality, but then they hesitate, decide….nevermind.

A couple of people dropped out early on to go to individual sessions instead. They always do in this particular class.

“It’s too hard to do The Work on sexual stuff with other people…too embarrassing, I’ll do it by myself. I can’t talk about situations where people were naked, especially ME!”

But I love what is revealed for the brave souls who dare to do The Work on sex, moments involving attraction or encounters with others, whether uncomfortable or boring or frustrating or disgusting.

There is so much in the moments where sexual expression was possible, or actually happened, or is remembered…you can almost spend months and months just on looking at feelings of attraction, sexual encounters, your experience of sexuality…

….and learn a huge amount about yourself and your thoughts about relationships.

Even relationships that have nothing to do with sexual expression.

Really, in the end, the same kinds of objections appear in these moments as in many other moments with humans.

That person is coming on too strong, they don’t care about me, they aren’t interesting to me, they’re trying to control me, I want to feel good in that person’s presence but I don’t because they are too “x”, they are too pushy, they should ask me what I want, they should back off, they are too passive, I’ll get hurt, someone else will get hurt, we already got hurt.

These kinds of evaluations seem to be going on constantly in the middle of regular conversations and meetings with others, and then they also drone on in even the relationships with our beloved partners.

As we were all on the phone together at some point during the past two months, I remembered several moments where there were sparks happening between me and another person….

….and then the awareness of how often I had thought it was too much or not enough.

Hardly ever just right.

Kind of the same thoughts I had about food and eating that I mentioned in another Grace Note very recently.

So many objections! And never getting to the “just right”.

But who would you be, without the the belief that someone in the world who you felt sensual or sexual interest in should have been more or less of something?

Keep that situation in your mind, and put the pause button on it, and really sit with that image.

Who would you be without your story?

WITH the story, I’ve heard many inquirers do things like bolt, break off the relationship, chase after the relationship, ask for change, feel disappointed, try to change themselves.

Whew, it’s a ton of work!

Without the thought, there’s a natural and easy movement. The very first thing I find happening, is a return to being inside myself, to being with me. I’m connected completely with myself and enjoying the energy and joy of this other person with no expectations.

You may move away, you may stay present and keep the conversation going, you may get closer.

Without thought in that situation where something happens and you have a response, without judgment or criticism or “it should be different” you naturally move a certain direction….only you know which way is right for you.

I love the turnarounds most of all in these inquiries.

I am coming on too strong with my objections or my hesitations, I don’t care about myself, I am not interesting to ME, I’m trying to control them or control myself, it’s really OK to notice if I feel good or bad in someone’s presence and move where I need to, I am too “x”, they aren’t too pushy, I am too pushy, I should ask myself what I want, I should back off from all these judgments, I am too passive, I won’t get hurt unless I hurt myself, I’m getting healed (not hurt). 

I love not believing my thoughts about the people I see in my memories, in my mind, where I thought difficult encounters happened.

And I notice those scenes I’m replaying in my head are….movies.

They aren’t actually happening right now. They happened a long time ago.

As Byron Katie asks regularly…”are those people you are seeing in your mind images, or the actual people?”

Images of course. Never the actual people.

“When I hear people say that they love someone and want to be loved in return, I know they’re not talking about love. They’re talking about something else….Love joins everything, without condition. It doesn’t avoid the nightmare; it looks forward to it and then inquires. There is no way to join except to get free of your belief that you want something from your partner. That’s true joining.” ~ Byron Katie

This doesn’t mean I don’t ask for what I want, I am free to ask!

The answer is yes, or no, I move from there.

Now, after an enormous amount of wonderful work on wonderful sexuality, I notice I am in a beautiful, loving, exciting, fun, playful, joyful relationship with a man who I’m married to and we’ve been together six years, and it keeps getting better and better.

I never would have thought that possible.

Sure, there are moments of the old thoughts coming in, patterns, ideas, expectations….they simply can’t be taken very seriously.

They can’t be believed.

Thank God! Thank inquiry!

What

Would

Happen if God leaned down

And gave you a full wet

Kiss?

Hafiz

Doesn’t mind answering astronomical questions

Like that:

You would surely start

Reciting all day, inebriated,

Rogue-poems

Like

This.

~ Hafiz

Much Love,

Grace

P.S. Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starts next week Mondays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. Still a few spaces. Click HERE for more information.

Posted on

Question Your Beliefs About Two Big No-No’s

Oh boy. Next week, I get to start investigating two of my favorite topics.

Money and Sex.

Wait. Did I say “favorite” topics?

It’s still kind of embarrassing to even mention them. Especially in spiritual work, or self-inquiry, or worlds that are far more important than these mundane arenas where people get crazy.

So, so, so….of this world.

Of this body. Desire. Grabby. Ridiculous.

Ewww. Please. 

But before you delete this Grace Note today, let’s just say that these topics may be highly worthy of taking a look at, and that your thoughts about them may be related to your thoughts about love, God, life, yourself, and this universe.

If you wrote out all your stressful, troubling, disruptive beliefs about money and sex, what would they be?

  • I don’t have enough
  • those other people have too much
  • those other people are gross
  • it takes too much work, or compromise, to really enjoy it
  • I can’t be free and have lots of it in my life
  • if I had more, I would be free, happy, thrilled
  • there are right and wrong ways to have it
  • that person won’t give me what I want, withholds
  • that other person wants too much, or demands too much
  • I am left out
  • I am incapable of getting it, there’s something wrong with me

Am I talking about money, or sex, with this list?

Well it could be either one or both, of course, you’re no dummy.

These are global beliefs, sometimes deeply painful and confusing. They show up when we make exchanges with other humans, or want to. With the ways we make trades.

If you notice you’re nervous or disappointed around either money, or sex, or both….you’re probably not alone.

Instead of trying to DO something about your “problem”…..how about doing The Work?

Let’s start with one of the most common beliefs about money or sex that I hear all the time in working with people: more is better, less is worse. 

Is it true?

Well, it appears to be true in the movies. It seems like good feelings, ecstatic feelings, come from having more. And sad, empty, or frightened feelings come from having less.

Are you sure?

No.

How do you react when you believe the thought that more is better, less is worse?

So dang grabby, like a hunter stalking the planet. Restless, pushy, planning, hoarding, suspicious, sick stomach, hopeless, wretched, ugly, giving up, resigned.

Mad at other people who have the same ideas as me.

But who would you be without this belief even entering your mind that more is better, less is worse? What if you just couldn’t even see that, couldn’t even have that idea?

Present. Now.

Aware of the absurdity of more, or less. No comparison.

“We think that because Jesus and Buddha wore robes and owned nothing, that’s how freedom is supposed to look. But can you live a normal life and be free? Can you do it from here, right now? That’s what I want for you. We have the same desire: your freedom….Whenever you think that your needs are not being met, you’re telling the story of a future.” ~ Byron Katie

Turn your thoughts around about money and sex.

You may enjoy both without all the angst, conditions, demands, or grabbing. You don’t have to be against or for either one.

Now here’s the best part of all.

If you write down your stressful beliefs about money and/or sex, get them all out on paper, and then turn them all around, or insert “life” or “love” into your concepts instead of money or sex, you may get a big surprise about your relationship with life, the universe….with YOU.

Could it be that what you believe about money or sex is what you believe about yourself, or God? Check and see.

  • I don’t have enough life, love…I am not enough
  • those other people have too much…not me
  • those other people are gross…not me
  • it takes too much work, or compromise, to really enjoy life, to really enjoy this world, to really enjoy myself
  • I can’t be free and have lots of love, or God, in my life
  • if I had more love, God, life, I would be free, happy, thrilled (but it’s not here now, I’m sure of it)
  • there are right and wrong ways to experience life
  • God won’t give me what I want, withholds (or is it me not giving myself what I want)?
  • I don’t want or demand enough
  • I am never, ever left out
  • I am capable, there’s something totally right with me

I’m facilitating a small group through an 8 week teleclass on Money starting on Monday at 9 am Pacific. Then Our Wonderful Sexuality begins on Wednesday at 9 am Pacific. Exercises will help you drill into what you’re thinking, if you feel conflict or worry, and free yourself from your own demands, rules, beliefs.

Your beliefs, your inquiry, your answers.

The insights you discover may shift your experience of not only money or sex, but of the world. You never know.

“Over time I began to see how delicate and challenging it was for most seekers to find the courage to question any and all ideas and beliefs about the true nature of themselves, the world, others, and even enlightenment itself. In almost every person, every religion, every group, every teaching and every teacher, there are ideas, beliefs, and assumptions that are overtly or covertly not open to question. Often these unquestioned beliefs hide superstitions which are protecting something which is untrue, contradictory, or being used as justification for behavior which is a less than enlightened.” ~ Adyashanti

“Something new for me, since exploring in this class is, my openness to new ideas.  And the honest conversations I’ve been having with friends, outside of the class & the work.  I’m so relaxed.” ~ Our Wonderful Sexuality class participant 2013

“I would like to thank you all. I’m learning too very much from this class. I’m “growing” everyday more and more.” ~ Money: I Love This Story class 2012

“I wanted to say that I have received so much depth, healing and growth from this class. I am grateful to everyone who is a part of it.” ~ Our Wonderful Sexualty class 2013

If you’re thinking about it, come on board, I’d love to have you. I’ll send you the information and you’ll be dialing in with us, either with your phone or skype (your choice) this coming week.

Time to inquire, and change your world?

Much love, Grace