Tag: selfish

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Is there a wrong way to practice The Work?

Someone had to cancel their attendance at autumn retreat starting Weds due to medical emergency (she’s OK but going through a procedure on Thursday).

This means….we have room in retreat for you, plus a room available for you to sleep in a king size bed with plush beautiful pillows and comforter and everything you need, an absolutely gorgeous huge bathroom with a claw foot tub, and the peace and quiet of a retreat that shines a light on your inner transformation.

But, you don’t have to stay onsite to come. I myself commute daily the mile from my cottage to this beautiful house.

Last year, someone in fall retreat was chuckling with surprise at the antique flavor, the elegance, the hot tub, the quiet garden grounds in the middle of a large city like Seattle. Our retreat house was built in 1918. There’s a grand feel to the place.

Like a haunted mansion. LOL.

Isn’t that what it’s like sometimes in our minds, with all the thoughts, stories, memories, or nightmares from our past, or imagined future?

I love this time of year to question the haunted thoughts in our minds.

So, no matter where you are….you can bus, drive, hitch-hike, fly and you still have three days to call in “well” to your job. Come join us in the brilliance of doing The Work at this magnificent place only ten miles north of downtown Seattle. Hit reply if you have questions for me, and just ask.

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I receive a whole lot of brilliant, challenging and honest questions about The Work.

I got two this past week alone.

Different people from very different parts of the world asked these two separate juicy questions:

a) Do you think the work can be the only tool one uses in mental health therapy?

b) Isn’t all this self-inquiry kind of, well, self-centered?

Such great questions.

Every situation and every person is unique, even though we humans are so similar. But I can share with you my own ponderings, and you can sort out your own answers, as always.

First, I like to think about where my question comes from? Is it from my fearing mind, or a relaxed one?

I used to agonize endlessly about decisions and if I was doing something “right” or not. One thing I recognized was the belief I had about doing it “wrong” or making a mistake and the honest need to question that it was possible to do it wrong in the first place. I like to ask, when making decisions or wondering about something:

Is the question arising out of fear and urge-to-protect, or self-compassion, love and joy? Am I afraid something will go wrong?

If you’re asking Question A (can you use only The Work to address mental health issues?) then I love going further into it like this:

What part of me is asking? Who wants to know? Is it a voice that’s suspicious, or worried about using other therapeutic tools? Or is it a wise and loving voice?

(My thought is, why wouldn’t I use other therapeutic help, if it was in front of me and inviting or interesting?)

Sitting with these questions and noticing peace in the presence of your reflections can be so sweet, so easy.

Is a decision necessary? What do you notice works for you today, right now in this present moment?

With the second question, Question B, (“isn’t inquiry too self-centered?”) there could be a few things also to ponder:

What does self-centered mean for you? Like is there something you believe you’re missing, because you’re spending time questioning your thoughts or stressful memories?

What’s the worst that could happen, if you’re self-centered? Who is this “self’ that The Work is centering around?

I’ve had the thought in the past that if I meditated all day (or did The Work all day)….I’d be a lump of unproductive clay (unproductive sh*%t) and leave nothing to the world and offer absolutely no important wisdom.

But can I be sure the thing I’m expecting as an outcome is for sure going to happen?

No.

I love rolling up my sleeves and being in action. My capacity to be active and alive out in the world seems to be far more expansive since I’ve been doing The Work. The caution I once had is massively reduced.

It feels really good.

Who would we be without our stories, including our stories about inquiring into our stories….or receiving other kinds of therapeutic help?

I’d be open to however this is going, and however it changes.

If you walk through the world without suffering about what’s happened in your life in any area, who knows what amazing actions you might take and incredible things you might offer us all.

If you can’t take the spot in retreat starting Wednesday night, today there’s room for two at half-day retreat. We begin at 2 pm and end at 6 pm. Come on over.

Much love,
Grace
P.S.
Breitenbush HotSprings Resort Retreat is Dec 6-9. $245 tuition before 11/1 (you add your lodging and all meals are included–it’s a very sweet winter deal).

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You Are So Selfish!

If someone calls you “Selfish” it seems they don’t mean it well, and we don’t like hearing it. “Selfish” is not a good thing to be.

I remember the first time I was called “Selfish”. My mother said it to me.

I don’t remember what I was doing, or what I said, but I was overwhelmed with the thought that she just called me Selfish and this was very bad. I would do anything, it felt like, NOT to be that. I should have been thinking of her.

Jane Austen wrote “Selfishness must always be forgiven, you know, because there is no hope of a cure”.  

The dictionary defines “selfish” as lacking consideration for others, concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.

The very definition has stressful underlying beliefs…we have to believe that being concerned with our own pleasure or profit actually makes us lack consideration for others. And that this is terrible, bad, wrong!

We also have to assume, if there is such a thing as being Selfish, that it is something you can just wind up being, by accident, unless you are diligent and you focus on other people. You need to watch yourself carefully, and keep yourself from doing things just for YOU, just because you like it. You need to think of others first.

Byron Katie wrote in one of her newsletters in 2009 this passage:

“Love is self-absorbed and leaves no room for any other. Love is the affect of self-consuming, the consumed. There’s not a molecule separate, outside of itself. In the apparent world of duality, it can be seen as a you and a me, but in reality there is only one. And even that isn’t true. I call it the last story, the one in the moment. The voice I love from within is what I’m married to. All marriage is a metaphor for that marriage.”

Katie has another saying that I’ve also heard elsewhere “You are the one you have been waiting for!” 

Once I was very angry with a good friend, a man I was dating. In my mind I had the thought “He is sooooo selfish!”

I knew what to do. Investigate my thinking. Because the very thought filled me with frustration, hate, rage and sleeplessness.

Who would I be without the thought that he was selfish? Watching a man who appeared anxious, demanding, watching someone yell out for what they wanted. There was passion! And fear, confusion, worry. He was believing lots of painful thoughts, he was trying hard, he was trying to find balance, he was afraid of suffering, afraid of not getting what he wanted.

The Turnaround is of course “He is not selfish”. How was this true?

He brought gifts to his mother, he invited me to do things with him, he was willing to trust me and other humans even though he was so afraid of them, he didn’t keep secrets, he spoke exactly what was on his mind (even if it was harsh or unpopular), he saw the value in questioning his thinking, he told jokes, he laughed, he could have one conversation for hours with me or someone else, he worked so he could earn a lot of money and pay his way, he paid for other peoples’ meals, he asked questions, he was completely transparent and real so that I could see where I wasn’t interested in him as a partner.

He was super generous, actually, in just being himself. I learned more from him than I had from many others throughout my life about honesty, feeling “criticized”, finding freedom in allowing others to be exactly as they are. He was so free!

What if we are here only to be ourselves? What if that is truly all we can do?

“To love is to be happy and do what you want, whatever you want. Be with. don’t be with. Smile; don’t smile. Be loving; don’t be loving. Give or say whatever you want; take or ask for whatever you want. Do you own thing. If the one you love gets unhappy, don’t believe you are not loving them enough for them to be happy. Their happiness does not depend on you. If you find you want them to be happy, it is because you want it; not because you must be a loving person to prove to them or you that you can love. You are loving if you are happy!” ~Bruce di Marsico

There is no danger in being selfish. Be who you are. You are Love. Your nature is peace, joy and happiness. Mothers say things at just the right moment for our awareness…and how amazing to question anything that hurts.

With love, Grace