You know that improvement thing you should do?

youshouldbeOne of the strangest experiences some of us have about change or learning or inviting something new into our lives….

….is when something is right in front of us, and we’re intrigued, and we even know it’s helped others and we’re pretty sure there’s something good about it for us….

….but we don’t get around to it.

  • I really should start doing yoga.
  • I really should get into meditating daily, like I used to.
  • Doing The Work would be a great practice for me. 
  • I should stop eating so much. Or smoking.
  • I really should learn to communicate better with my partner.
  • I should start a savings account, I should pay off my house, I should quit wasting time on the computer.

But.

What is that….the “but”?

It’s like some other voice, or thought, or idea unconsciously comes up to meet this interesting plan about doing things differently and says:

NO!

Not enough time. Not enough energy. Not enough guarantee that it will work. Not enough motivation.

And then do you notice what typically happens?

Self-flagellation. Kicking yourself with your own thinking. Listing all the reasons why you’re a loser.

Not everyone does this, but if you do….you’re not alone. (I raise my hand, I’m great at this strategy).

Have you ever noticed this interesting result of self-hating thoughts?

Hacking yourself apart mentally has this weird way of detracting you from actually changing.

You enter punishment mode, so now, you’re busy.

Gosh….and you don’t actually have to look at the deets on what’s occurring that results in No Change.

Here’s a great question to ask, to get you started.

If you made this change, if you added this activity into your life, if you implemented this behavior, if you quit that thing you don’t really enjoy doing….

….what do you believe you would have?

This is the season of taxes in the USA. The other day I had to start getting all my documents and itemizations and totals ready to hand over to the accountant. My annual income is better than ever. I’ve never earned so much in my life (this isn’t saying much–but that’s another story). Which means, I owe taxes.

Just the very act of looking at the year and having to answer questions about what expenses were for, I started feeling uncomfortable. So uncomfortable, I had the thought “it would be better to never earn any money than have to tell other people, like an accountant, what I spent things on”.

Flash Thought during the money conversations: I need to win the lottery. 

But what would I have if I had a lottery win?

I’d be able to be frivolous with some expenditures. I could give money away freely. I wouldn’t have to think about how to responsibly attend to every penny. I could go on my meditation retreats and spend money on all the spiritual type things I do without guilt!

I could NOT have the conversation about business expenses because…..who should have opened a Self-Employment Pension SEP thingie (I didn’t know what it was either until yesterday)? Not me! I wouldn’t have to be responsible that way and have to worry about such stupid things as the future.

Leave me alone! I’m trying to meditate!

Many people resolve to make changes that change their health, or their relationships.

But they don’t actually do it.

What are you avoiding?

This is a serious question. The flip side to what would you have, if you had this thing you desire in the future.

For me (for starters), I imagine through winning some big amount of money I’d be free to spend no questions asked, and I’d avoid the criticism of others about all these retreats I attend. I’d do the SEP thingie, and still get to have fun.

I don’t stop there…..I keep going with the inquiry to dig into the underlying beliefs.

What would I have if I were free to spend on retreats no questions asked?

Happiness, relaxation, fun, excitement, understanding, acceptance.

What would I avoid, if I went on all these retreats?

The drudgery part of needing to earn money, count money, set aside money, pay taxes with money, “work” at promotion, growth, announcing my retreats, getting clients.

What would I have, and avoid, then?

Gulp.

Now we’re getting down to the nitty gritty rock bottom dark stories. Sometimes, they’re embarrassing.

My story is with lots of won money, I could avoid the unknown future, “needing” money, fear of not having enough, fear of not being useful or making a difference, and fear of not being very good at what I do and not helping anyone (because I wouldn’t be trying).

I could gain safety from all this.

I am also afraid of peoples’ jealousy (if I won a bunch of money) and thinking I should give some to everyone I know who needs it (quite a few people, I see in my mind).

So you see….

…..by exploring closely the tiny moment of stress I experienced in a meeting to talk about income and taxes…..

…..I see what frightens me about the future, or the past, and takes me away from this present moment now.

You can do this with any thought you have about what you should be doing so that your life would be improved.

(We look at this deeply in Eating Peace work, for example, to explore why we might want to be eating, instead of raking ourselves through the coals with condemning thoughts to punish ourselves for doing it).

Who would I be without the belief that it would be easier or more fun or offer freedom to have a ton of lottery-won money right now?

Noticing I’m resting comfortably on a beautiful cream-colored couch, in my lovely sweet living room, feeling this room, and this body, and this life. Hearing wind chimes ring.

Turning the thoughts around:

  • I should not do yoga–I could try only one small simple class for the joy of it, and I don’t “have to” do anything. 
  • I notice I love sitting quietly, again no “have to”.
  • Doing The Work is great practice for me. I join with others to share in it (so much fun). It’s the inner adventure of a lifetime, and a joy beyond belief.
  • I should keep eating, or smoking, to understand why I do it and sort out the internal workings of my soul…until I’m done.
  • I really should learn to communicate better with myself, and it will naturally be better with the world.
  • I should not start a savings account, I should not pay off my house, there is no wasting time. Not out of fear, only out of pleasure. 

Every time I truly wish for something different, and tell myself I should be doing it….I’m at war with what is.

I’m either thinking something’s missing in the present, or I’m avoiding something frightening about the future.

So yesterday, I spoke up.

I said to my husband, after the accountant meeting, “I’m worrying right now that you might be judging me for spending so much on retreats last year.”

You know what he said?

“No, not at all. You were investing in yourself. And maybe I have some ideas on how you could prepare better for tax time, and save a little.”

No resentment, no criticism, no fear.

“A thought may arise: ‘It’s okay now, but it’s going to be different when I step out the door’….Stop right here! Don’t think more–it is quite enough. Don’t say more–it is quite enough. Don’t strive more–it is quite enough. Now, don’t touch any idea of moving forward–simply rest as This, as it is, without that, as it could be. Now drop the idea of being This.” ~ Mooji

Who would you be without your list of shoulds?

Much love,

Grace

Are You On An Enlightenment Plan?

How does it feel to keep thinking you need to change, improve, grow?
How does it feel to keep thinking you need to change, improve, grow?

‘I need to make sure I’m thinking positively and joyfully at all times. I have to avoid the negative, dark thoughts. I must remember all thinking is an illusion anyway. I’m not really seeing anything accurately. I need to picture my happy outcomes and keep imagining the wonderful possibilities. I must stop focusing on the dreadful, frightening possibilities…..’

Have you ever read books, gotten more into metaphysics and spirituality….

….and noticed your mind suddenly has a new voice full of little spiritual ideas and suggestions?

All kinds of new ideas. They sound great. They’ll get you to the kingdom.

Exciting!

Only. Hmmmm.

This voice seems somehow familiar.

This voice sounds nicer than others. It sounds more genteel and open. It’s got a really sweet tenure and color.

And yet.

Something smells fishy.

(Rip off the pink sweet mask)

Ah-ha! Dictator Self-Hater Strikes Again!

You see, that mind can take anything and begin to use it to stay on the self-improvement-is-the-goal path. To not truly relax with where you are, now.

I know, because I do it myself.

But I really did it with the project of meditation at one time.

I was so anxious, I knew that what I really needed was to meditate.

People are calm who meditate all the time, right? It’s proven that meditating is the right thing to do. Along with eating well, exercising, being kind, sleeping all night, and being self-less.

Yeah. That’s right!

So I decided after semi-meditating for a decade or so….

….I’m meditating an hour a day.

No excuses.

This will happen, rain or shine.

I’m very disciplined at times, when I set my mind to something. I started every single day with one hour of meditation. Even if I had a fever (which I did once). I sat up in my chair, took position (it didn’t count in a bed or in any other position, I must be sitting up very straight) and set my alarm so I wouldn’t peek at any clocks.

After one year I prided myself on 365 days of meditation, not missing one single day.

I was well into my second year of this when I went on a meditation retreat.

While there, it occurred to me I was “doing” the “right” thing.

Here I am, doing the right thing! See me, oh great universe? How ’bout this, God? You gonna bring me supreme awareness? Abundance and flow? An anxiety-free life?

Look at how good I am! I work sooooo hard. I read books, I watch videos, I meditate, I listen to spiritual teachers, I study, I correct my thinking, I’m practically obsessed with awakening and enlightenment and peace….

….it’s all I ever think about!

Um.

It suddenly hit me.

I was doing all these things in the name of Me. “I” will wake up. “I” will achieve the greatest achievement….self-realization. “I” will arrive and it will be fabulous.

The Universe will basically say “you look mahvellous.”

I’ll feel like a million bucks. And I’ll probably HAVE a million bucks, too!

Ouch. A subtle ouch, but nevertheless, an ouch.

Because this achievement that was going to happen was off in the distance, in the future, some day.

This isn’t quite it yet.

I remember a good friend who caught the same disease….

….er, I mean the same penchant for insight….

….said she was going to save up a lot of cash, because later, when she was enlightened, she probably wouldn’t care about cash.

So who would we all be without our beliefs that we absolutely must do things like meditate, think positively, save up for later, try harder, or improve?

This is not an invitation to the hopeless resigned place of despair.

It’s a reminder that what we really want has to ultimately be possible here and now, not later.

A reminder that we are not in absolute control. We are not isolated islands floating around with something missing.

It’s not an unfriendly messed up universe that sometimes spits out less-than-perfect people with faulty minds.

Who would you be without the belief that you’re going somewhere? Or that you NEED to go somewhere?

I find this astonishing (at least my mind does).

Really? Actually let go? Relax and give up (in a good way)? 

Who would I be without the thought that I must improve my thought?

Not so discouraged. Not feeling like a failure. Not ping-ponging around with that dictator voice that’s got either a self-improvement whip or a doing-it-so-good-and-right whip.

I’d be meditating for the sheer joy of it, not because it’s the right thing to do for getting somewhere.

And if I had a fever….I’d probably stay in bed, lying flat and resting.

I’d be laughing!

“Meditation practice isn’t about trying to throw ourselves away and become something better, it’s about befriending who we are.” ~ Pema Chodron

“Conditioned mind is perpetually focused on something other than what is–another time or place, another something that must be done right now. When we don’t succumb to ego’s urgency, fear, and anxiety we can relax, breathe and be, right where we are, right where Life has place us in this very moment.” ~ Cheri Huber

Just for today, take a very deep breath, and be with yourself. See yourself in the mirror and notice how awesome you are. Relax your muscles, your speed, the need to change your mind, your to-do list, your plans for awakening.
And you don’t have to. If this doesn’t happen, that’s OK too.
All is very, very well, without you needing to do anything about yourself.
Wow.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Summer Camp Fridays are from 7-8:30 am Pacific Time! Very unusual early, beautiful summer morning hours! We’ll still have 4 more of these in the month ahead. Join us if you like.