What If Everyone Loves You?

Yesterday morning Relationship Hell To Heaven started off with a wonderful bang! (There’s still space for one person, by the way, to join us–you could catch up by listening to the first class recording).

Someone offered the thought “he doesn’t get me”.

It occurred to me throughout the rest of the day what a common thought this can be.

That person doesn’t understand me, doesn’t grok me, doesn’t vibrate the same as me.

And the general crowd version of this thought: These Aren’t My People!!

Long ago when I was only 19, I saw a public service ad for Overeaters Anonymous on TV. I felt desperate. Although I had only had a handful of binge-purge episodes, I was haunted day and night by the problem of food and eating.

I called the number.

A sweet woman, who must have been a lot older than me and had kids, started talking about stuff I had never dared or even imagined people could speak about out loud.

She said before going to OA, she would eat everything in sight in the kitchen as she prepared food for her family. She ate a whole pie once, before dinner.

I still remember the feeling during that phone call, feeling like Dorothy when she enters the land of Oz, and the movie becomes sparkling, brilliant, in full living color.

You mean…people can talk about this?

WOW. I thought you were supposed to hide this kind of information from others.

I showed up at the next Overeaters Anonymous meeting I could find and went for several months. I stopped binge-eating. The rooms were full of interesting people. I was making friends who really got me.

And then, I went off to a college study program in Europe, with my newfound knowledge called “talking to other people honestly” and the Big Book of the Twelve Steps.

They didn’t have OA in Italy. They had AA.

I found the English speaking meetings and went. I felt so terrified of losing my new “food” sobriety. I wasn’t bingeing and purging. I was intensely rigid with food. I wouldn’t let one bite, or sniff, of anything with sugar, flour…I can’t remember what other limitations I had, but I learned it from a “diet” plan they offered at OA at the time.

One bite, I was told, could set me off. I must be very careful.

The people in AA of course were different. They quit drinking, or were interested in quitting. I didn’t drink because that was also a part of the OA program of no sugar.

But the AA people would tell stories about hitting their bottom with drinking, going to jail, helping other alcoholics.

I was afraid to talk.

What should I say…that my name is Grace and I’m a food addict? Should I just say I’m an alcoholic, even though that sounds weird and I don’t think I am? What about those couple of times I drank a lot?

Should I say I’m an addict? That would be true…except they might think I’m a drug addict, which would be even farther from the truth since I smoked pot exactly once and detested it.

I don’t fit in! I’m not like the AA people! Oh no! I have to stay on the program!

I would read the AA stories of recovery in the Big Book and actually change the words in someone’s story from “alcohol” and “alcoholic” to something about food.

I didn’t realize it’s all the same. It doesn’t matter. But oh the agony at the time.

They don’t get me.

They’ll think I’m gross, they’ll think I’m sick, they’ll reject me, they’ll be repulsed, they’ll kick me out when they find out I’m not an alcoholic. If only I WAS an alcoholic…that’d be better than bulimic and food-obsessed anyway. Jeez.

Hilarious, really.

Many people in the Relationships group yesterday felt alone, isolated, separated, frightened when they believed that thought.

But who would you be without it?

Without any belief that someone doesn’t get you, it’s sad that they don’t, it’s not possible that they could, you don’t fit in…without that whole story going on who would you be?

So connected, open, joyful it’s hard to describe.

Relating to everyone. Feeling contact with the air, the chair, my body, voices, people, the flow of energy changing and morphing every second, every moment.

I would feel like I could just sit with others, or with one other person, and hum near them, like a little machine, with joy…without even speaking.

Last year I got to go to an AA meeting again after many years.

I loved everyone in that room.

I still had the thoughts that they are looking at me and wondering if I’m OK and who I am and if I need to talk or need their support or if I just drank myself blind the other day or if I’m an old-timer….chattering of stories of wondering what THEY must be thinking about ME.

But that was in the background.

I knew we were all the same.

Humans.

“All things–all beings and all activities, no matter how ordinary–are equal expressions of the Infinite. There is no more or less Infinite, no higher or lower Infinite…..If you could all at once stop believing your dreaming mind and be completely still right in the midst of your present state, the Infinite would effortlessly present itself.

Turn that thought around: they DO get me, everyone gets me…it was me who didn’t get myself before, when I thought they didn’t get me.

I was worried about being different, rejected, unloved, alone, weird, unacceptable.

I forgot I belonged, anywhere. Because that’s where I was.

“When I walk into a room, I know that everyone in it loves me. I just don’t expect them to realize it yet.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

Be A Star Without A Name

One of my all-time favorite experiences in my life is connecting with my fascinating family. I have an awesome father (who hasn’t been alive in physical form for 24 years), a dynamic, enthusiastic mother who travels the world, and three truly amazing sisters.

And there have been moments. Shall we say.

Every single person in my family of origin (FOO as we call it) has had their thoughts, little irritations, bigger arguments, concerns, sadness, and fears about other members of the family.

Dang, those people close to us, related to us, are powerful teachers.

When I’ve spent time with my family in large gatherings, I love noticing the small eddies and zaps of thought that arise inside as commentary, or sensations: I like that, I don’t like this, I want more of that, I don’t care about this, she thinks, he says, they should….

So quick the movements towards and away, back and forth, here and there, thinking, feeling.

When you go to a group event, who would you be without the belief that there was anything missing in your family or those people gathered in the room?

Without the belief that what you think about any of the people around you, if you’re thinking something stressful, is true?

“In each moment of every day, Truth is not lacking or held in abeyance for some later date; it is given in full measure, and abundantly so. Do not be afraid of what appears to be chaos or dissolution–embrace the full measure of your life at any cost. Bare your heart to the Unknown and never look back.” ~ Adyashanti

Without the belief that what I’m thinking is absolute and real and complete about the people around me, I look around with intense curiosity. What a fascinating place!

Could Truth be right here, right now, no matter what my mind has to say about it?

Yes. Oh! Of course! Wow! Sparkles!

Turning the thought around: I move away or toward in perfect timing, liking and not liking comes and goes, nothing is missing in anyone here, nothing is wrong, nothing is lacking in this moment full of many people….and that includes me.

I take a very deep breath, drinking in the environment.

So gentle, restful, and kind.

Like a point of light inside the stomach and chest, glowing, spreading through the air and the sky, and along the floor under the legs of the chairs, permeating all these bodies of my family, the people at the barbecue, the people at the party, the dancers, the music playing, like an invisible energy force.

Reality tells me when it’s time to show up somewhere, when it’s time to leave the gathering, ask, talk, sit, delight, go, watch, listen, sleep, wake up.

Without the belief that stressful thoughts are true, who would I be, who would you be?

Pure joy. Amazed.

Like a shining star playing with other twinkling stars in the heavens, recognizing all the people and life I love.

When a baby is taken from the wet nurse,

it easily forgets her

and starts eating solid food.

Seeds feed awhile on ground,

then lift up into the sun.

Taste the filtered light

and work your way toward wisdom

with no personal covering.

That’s how you came here, like a star

without a name. Move across the night sky

with those anonymous lights.

~ Rumi

Much love, Grace