Have you ever noticed that praise sometimes gets you into hot water?
As in, you just get this weird feeling there’s a catch, or you feel uncomfortable because it’s too much?
We all know criticism, aimed at us, feels bad (until you inquire) but what about praise?
Have you ever had someone want to follow you home like a puppy, or call you too often, or take you out on dates too much, or go kind of over the top with their “demands” for your time and attention
Heh heh, notice how I used the word “demands”.
Might be something to question here, right?
In Year of Inquiry Monday morning we started our second month topic: Family of Origin.
As I looked at praise in my first couple of years doing The Work, some powerful revelations came to the surface that led all the way back to FOO (short for family of origin, isn’t it perfect?)
But I didn’t really know, when I first started looking at “praise” that it was so stressful.
At the beginning of every month in Year of Inquiry, we start off with an Introduction Session. This is brand new to any previous year of inquiry groups. Time for Q & A, exercises to help understand and work with the topic, and suggestions for HOW to get into the topic at hand.
And family of origin (FOO), as you certainly know, is a big one.
Which is why I go there early, in month two.
One exercise I offered everyone in YOI is something that worked well for me. Somewhere along the way I noticed I had the same repeating Top Ten Hits over and over when it came to highly charged stressful beliefs.
To be honest, it was more like the Top Three stressful beliefs: I am abandoned, I am unloved, I am starving.
Now, this doesn’t mean I was starving for food, literally (although I ate like this was the case—major clue).
But these thoughts followed me, ready to be riled up or triggered or churned up at a moment’s notice. And that last one, the one where I felt like I was starving, was a tricky little devil for seeking and needing and wanting and craving love.
Praise was like an elixir, like a drug. Give me more. Oh, that person likes me? I shall now follow them everywhere.
I know, yikes. Bummer. Can’t praise be OK? Compliments, someone saying “yes”, I want you, I love you? Can’t those be good things?
Well of course they can be beautiful and supportive words and actions from someone else towards you, but sometimes….
….not so much.
I’ve had a couple of those kinds of relationships, not just potential love relationships, but also friendship without any sexual expectation or attraction whatsoever, and yet still a grabby, hopeful, I-need-you type feeling.
Sometimes, someone even writes to me with some of this energy. It goes with the territory of working with people on their pain and suffering. And it’s OK, because I’ve been doing my work on this. I feel the compassion of how I felt the very same way, and followed the same track of desperation (and then hid it for fear of being too much). I get these people who have tons of questions and want to connect and converse and bond. With inquiry, and having my business itself be to assist the process of feeling desperate, it’s not a problem. I am compensated for my time. I even love answering their emails.
But the other day, an old friend I don’t have much contact with left me a voice message with the words “I needed a friend” and the implication that I wasn’t there for him, being a friend.
Which was true. I wasn’t “there”.
Part of me didn’t like the tone.
You should have heard the chatter start up in my mind, like a forest of disturbed monkeys, as I re-listened to the voice message.
Is he implying I’m not a GOOD friend? I think he is!
He shouldn’t make me feel guilty about not wanting a close, sharing, on-going relationship. He’s soooooo needy! What a clinger. He has plenty of amazing friends and a massive support system to be held up by, why does he need to….
Oh.
Right.
Who started this internal dialogue and fearful war within?
Um. Yeah. I raise my hand.
All that person did was leave a message, expressing himself.
Since we’re in the FOO month of Year Of Inquiry, I became aware of the presence of my father, standing behind the message. The tone, the voice, the hoped-for response, the dilemma, the praise given and therefore an expected return.
He’s sad. My father is sad. He’s in need of love. My father is in need of love. He’s depressed. My father is depressed. He’s going to be upset unless I say “yes”. My father is going to be upset unless I say “yes”.
I should call, this person needs help, I am the one who gives support, my love is requested, my support is desirable….therefore, I must give it.
Otherwise….what? What’s the worst that could happen?
I see the person showing up at my house, in need. I see them needing endless support. I see them believing a good friend is someone who listens….for hours, at the expense of their own time.
A friend is someone who doesn’t say “no”.
Suddenly I also see another family member in my mind’s eye, only a few years ago. “You are family” she is saying. “I would do anything, for any of you, any time. I would give you the shirt off my back. You are the people I’m closest to. Ask me for help, I’m always here.” Tears are running down her cheeks with the emotional feeling she’s expressing of love and care for family.
And then, someone in the family did something, said something, and this very same person is not speaking to the entire family. She is not reachable, she shows up at zero family events, and she’s been vicious and angry with her words.
So much hurt, so much pain and agony.
THAT is the worst that could happen, I realize. (See #1 Top Three Stressful Beliefs Above).
When you don’t do what they need, in the name of love, you arebanished.
Banishment leads to starvation, which leads to grabbing and gorging, which leads to banishment. Oh lord, the pendulum swings so far out of the middle, your head gets whacked back and forth.
So let’s look at this unusual place of too much praise, in the other person, and thoughts about needing to rescue, or respond, or say “yes”….and if it’s really true!
He needs my attention, kindness, and love. We have to talk if he wants to talk, and spend time together. I need to say “yes” to make him happy.
Is that true?
Woah.
It’s not.
I can feel love, joy, appreciation for someone I really honestly care deeply about, and not be hanging out with them, or communicating with them, or living with them, or supplying them with help.
I can say no to any of that.
How do I react when I believe the thought he needs my love, attention, kindness? When I believe I need to say “yes” to make him happy?
OMG, it’s sooooo stressful.
Hand-wringing. Compromising. Pretending. Smiling when I don’t feel like it. Making excuses. Acting nice when I don’t feel so nice.
Ugh.
Who would I be without this story that this other person needs me, or would be so happy if I gave attention, or love, or approval?
So free.
Free to come and go, say “yes” and say “no” in the way that’s TRULY honest and natural.
Without the belief, I trust myself and I trust reality….I feel the “no” or the “yes” and I honor it, instead of debating it or fearing it.
Turning the thoughts around: He does not need my attention, kindness, or love. I need my own attention, kindness and love. I need his attention, kindness and love.
We do not have to talk if he wants to talk, or spend time together. I need to say “no” to make him happy. I need to say “yes” to myself to be happy.
Yes, I need to follow my own inner movement. I can say “yes” and then change my mind. I can say “no” right from the start. I can say whatever the words are that respond to what I feel honestly, without mincing them or changing them all around or making them light so they land well (and wind up confusing).
He doesn’t need anything from me. He is self-sufficient, gentle by nature, and sorting out his life (this fits for my dad, it fits for my friend). He doesn’t need me to say “yes” in order to be happy! He has happy times, and busy times, and a whole entire life without me.
It’s more efficient, even, if I say “no” when I mean it. For everyone involved.
And wow….I haven’t realized how much I love the praise at being an attentive, kind, caring, wise person. I needed my dad’s approval. My friend’s approval.
Yikes.
What if I needed their DIS-approval, when I say “no” after they asked for my time and attention?
With their disapproval, rather than praise, I might see how I stick with my “no” even if they don’t like it. I might not do love-hate flip-flops like the family member I mentioned who loves then hates everyone.
If I’m disapproved of, rather than praised, I might remain very steady, open and available. I would do The Work. I could keep sharing and communicating. I would not feel the need to force any firmness, but just feel willing and kind. I remember what it’s like to disapprove of someone if they don’t praise me or say “yes” to me.
I could trust myself to be with that other person, freely. And they could trust me to be a truth-teller.
“When they attack you and you notice that you love them with all your heart, your Work is done.” ~ Byron Katie
When they praise you and you notice that you love them (and love yourself) with all your heart, your Work is done.
Much love,
Grace