Who Really Owes You An Apology?

Not long ago, an old flame wrote me a letter.

It came in the mail, the old-fashioned way. A card, and a long separate typed sheet, double-sided, with a lot of reflection on his life and his philosophies.

My first thought was how sweet to hear from him.

At first, a little jolt of adrenaline, a curiosity about what has happened in the years since we were dancing our dance.

And, since the relationship ended kinda funny (as in, he disappeared off the face of the earth involved in some kind of dark pursuit) I was reading along waiting for an apology.

Not exactly pure, open reading.  

Hope reading. Like where you hope you’ll read what you wanna read.

So here I am about to begin again my teleclass on romance and pain and sexuality, questioning stress in lover relationships, and I’m noticing very clearly this little moment….

….watching myself fall right into wishing and waiting to be asked for forgiveness by a former love interest.

Interesting. Very interesting. I love how these things just arrive, for inquiry, without any planning.

My mind had speedy quick, without hardly a beat, gone to the place where I was a victim.

I was WRONGED.

You may notice you have a relationship or two (or five, or forty-three) where you have the lingering thought that you were wronged.

If you do, and it feels like a festering wound that won’t heal….

….then let’s get that belief faced full-on right now.

You may find relief, if you’ve been hurting.

First. Is it actually true that you be done wrong? Really?

YEAH! That was bunk! (Punching the air).

OK, got it. You’re really pissed.

How do you react when you believe that person messed you up, hurt you, abandoned you, shorted you, conned you, fooled you?

I feel *horrible*.

I’m mean to other possible partners, actually. Or afraid. I choose and move based on avoiding repeat pain. I lick my wounds. I don’t step out.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is ‘out there’–as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering–the situation is hopeless.” ~ Byron Katie

So who would I be without my belief that I was wronged?

I’m not saying it wasn’t hard, or brutal, or that it could be repeated, or that you deserved it.

Only who you would be without the belief you were the victim? That you are owed an apology?

Huh. Wow.

Really?

Well, I’d be lighter. I’d be moved on to other things. I’d be remembering and reflecting and allowing that situation to heal, and be as it is.

I’d notice I’m happy now, and how much I learned and grew through that process. Like, a ton.

Without the belief that I’ve been wronged, I’d be free right here, right now.

“Love until your voice trembles, and your heart pounds, and your legs shake, and your philosophies crumble to dust, and your cleverness bows its head in shame and in reverence. And you will be taken to the darkest places, and your heart will be set on fire by the ones to whom you were never able to open your heart, and you will be reminded of what you have always, secretly, known: In time, you will forget everything, except how to die, and how to love.” ~ Jeff Foster

I turn the thought around: I have not been wronged by anyone, I wronged myself (by not speaking up, by being dishonest, by clinging), I wronged others in the same way I thought they wronged me.

I do not need any apology, except for myself, from myself.

The letter had no apology written in it, but I knew what to do now.

I whispered to myself.

I am sooooo sorry honey. 

I didn’t listen to you, I was confused, I forgot wholeness without chasing after other people, I didn’t listen to you, I didn’t think you were good enough. You are incredible. You never leave, no matter what I do or say, or forget. Thank you, I love you.

Now that’s the best apology ever.

If you’re up for joining an 8 week teleclass on looking for love in all the wrong places and the adventure of contact with others, then join us for Romance, Passion and Healing….

…..We’re looking at LOVE when it comes to lovers, mates, spouses, ex’s, strangers, or partners of any kind and how to end the suffering we’ve experienced in their name.

Click here to read more, or register for the class.

Much love,

Grace

Our Wonderful Romance

It has to be good, it must go the way I want, I want it to unfold like this (not that), this needs to be fun, it better be right.

Nervous about romance? Teleclass starting Thursday 1/22 to question your stressful thinking, and change your life when it comes to partners---long term, broken-up, dating, divorced, confused---every difficult situation can be lightened through The Work of Byron Katie
Nervous about romance? Teleclass starting Thursday 1/22 to question your stressful thinking, and change your life when it comes to partners—long term, broken-up, dating, divorced, confused—every difficult situation can be lightened through The Work of Byron Katie

Have you ever had these ideas about something coming up on your calendar?

Oh boy.

When it goes well, it’s awesome! Hand clapping! Yay! I must be doing something right!

And if it doesn’t.

Oh rats.

This is terrible. A sinking feeling. Depressed, disappointed, worried, unhappy. I must be doing something wrong!

Last week I had many people writing to me about the upcoming teleclass on “sexuality”, but few people committing to join.

This is the ONLY teleclass where people are so hesitant, in comparison to the other teleclasses I teach on food, parenting, relationships, illness/death and money.

People are skittish, nervous.

Do we have to say everything out loud, someone asked?

Once during the very first session, someone said they wrote in their notebook today’s date, and The “S” Teleclass.

She couldn’t write “Sexuality”.

I might need to name it something different….like The Work of Byron Katie on attraction, touch, romance and lovers.

In fact, that sounds pretty good!

Why didn’t I think of that before??!!

But even as I consider new names for the class, or new ways to offer or help on this topic, or new ways to show up as a guide on the road to the end of suffering around romance, lust and attraction…

….I can even do The Work on the idea that changing this teleclass neeeeeeeds to happen.

What if the way it is going is just right?

Who would I be without the belief that it needs to go “well”, be full of participants sooner than later, be popular, that people should get how awesome this class is, people shouldn’t feel worried about talking about *s–*?

How would I really feel without the thought that the way its going is wrong, or it could be better another way than this?

Woah.

What an eye-opener.

Suddenly…without the belief that the class should be filling sooner, people should jump at the chance to speak openly about sexual feelings, I remember how it feels to not think anything should be any different than it is.

Quite stunning really.

Not one thing out of place. Can you get a taste of it?

What if the pain, the things you don’t like, your daily routines or people you feel out of sorts with, are really allowed to be as they are?

What if you didn’t resist them, or argue about them, or complain, or fight? What if it could all be here?

Even my resistance itself, what if that was OK, too?

“It isn’t getting what we want that makes us happy. It’s being happy with whatever we experience–or perhaps I should say, being happy regardless what we experience. To some people this will sound like a defeatist attitude, settling for mediocrity rather than striving for more. Yet nothing in the statement says that we can’t strive, or create any number of activities or experiences. Simply that we are happy with whatever we experience, even the striving.” ~ Peter Ralston in The Book of Not Knowing

I turn the beliefs around to try them on: It does NOT have to be “good”, it must go the way it goes, I want it to unfold like this and no other way, this needs to NOT be fun, if it isn’t. 

How could I find just a drop of openness to these thoughts, instead of their opposites that I was automatically thinking before?

Well.

I certainly notice it’s more fun to lighten up about the way this thing is going, that’s for dang sure.

The way it’s going shows me what not to pursue, what to drop, if there’s a turn needed along the path.

The way my class is going, for example, shows me there’s something not yet understood about the laughter and lightness possible when doing The Work on romance, or who-is-doing-what- in-the-bedroom…..

…..and I can express what its like more clearly, or make it safer.

Can you find examples of why the way your thing is going is just perfect (even your romantic relationship status) how there might be advantages (even if it doesn’t seem like it) or how you benefit by the way its unfolding?

Share them with me, I’d love to hear.

And meanwhile….

….if you have a broken heart, or struggle, or sadness about something that’s gone down around romance or physical touch, or your expectations about it are getting shattered….

….then you may want to consider joining a small group of journeyers along the path to deeply question your thoughts about sexuality and romance.

This includes people sleeping with you, people sleeping with other people, people making that strange move you didn’t get, you not being happy or thrilled, you feeling bereft or anxious, him acting weird, her acting weird, you feeling worried about what to say.

Anything stressful is the perfect situation for inquiry.

If you can un-do your painful beliefs (notice I said painful beliefs–you can keep the fun, exciting ones) then you may find a whole new world of possibilities when it comes to partnership and love, right in front of you.

We’re starting this coming Thursday at 10 am Pacific Time for 90 minutes. We meet 8 weeks. This class MAY be for Women Only, if enough interested women really want that boundary. I do have interested men, so speak up today (write grace@workwithgrace.com) to ask questions or find out more.

I give you time, respect and attention as a facilitator of The Work.

YOU free your mind.

Click here to read more, or register.

Much love, Grace