This weekend on Sunday, we begin the 8 session live zoom course Divorce/Breaking Up/Separation Is Hell–Is It True?
The pain of feeling separate from another human being who appears to move away from you can be so strong.
Sometimes, even though they aren’t “divorcing” people sign up for this course to look at fears, future anticipation of a changed relationship, upset about change and transition in primary relationship.
In fact, there’s always a minimum of one or two people who are still in a committed partnership, with no talk of divorce even happening….but there’s trouble.
I notice a tendency in my own mind to believe there are three options with just about anything I’m opposing in my life, relationships or otherwise.
I see the situation. I don’t like it.
Mind quickly moves to one of three options:
Choice A) Get away from it. Run. Disappear into the woodwork. Back out of the room slowly. “Ghost” the person or situation (vanish without a trace). AWOL. No show. MIA.
Choice B) Attack the situation or person, whether in your head or right out loud. Aggression. Fighting energy. Feeling furious. Give them a piece of your mind. Rage. Say bitter, upsetting things. Threaten whomever it is you’re opposed to. This can happen internally, without them even being in your environment.
Choice C) Collapse. Feel hopeless, depressed. Rake yourself through the coals. Feel bad about you. Lonely, piteous, sad. List the reasons you’re a piece of sh&* and you screwed this up. Give up. Feel stuck.
Sometimes they call it Flight, Fight or Freeze.
But any one of these has to do with arguing with the present situation.
Relationship, or otherwise.
This course called Divorce/Breaking-Up/Separation Is Hell is really about our own minds and how we divorce ourselves, break-up with ourselves, separate from ourselves.
This is certainly what I did when I got divorced fifteen years ago. I felt panicked, enraged, betrayed, abandoned and lonely.
I felt like my first husband leaving meant I was worthy of being left….and the inner dialogue was horrible.
(Thank God Almighty for The Work–that’s what my grandma would say. Thank Reality Almighty, Thank Peace Almighty, Thank Silence Almighty….use whatever word you like most).
Now, I’m very happily remarried to an adorable and loving man (who’s also great at The Work and self-inquiry) and I still have this range of thoughts on a very subtle level sometimes.
Like, for example.
This morning.
We received a call saying “we need to come into your house to upgrade an electrical panel by adding 100 amp something-or-other. We’ll be there at 7:30am.”
No problem. (We have a building project underway in our back yard).
The electrical panel is in my husband’s office.
He lightly suggests to me “maybe we should move the couch so they can quickly and smoothly get to the panel”.
Good idea!
Then I enter the office.
Boxes, files, piles of books and CDs, clothes and towels on the aforementioned couch. Papers, envelopes, more boxes, storage tubs, folders, boxes for his classroom, a full can of garbage.
My instant reaction to the sight: AGAINST WHAT IS!!!
There were some words, and my little snappish commands, and a quick clean-up session.
But here’s why I’m mentioning it. In the past, because of seeing clutter, my mind has actually gone to the thought in zero to sixty seconds…..“I can’t live with this!”
Pan to me sitting in a tiny cabin near a beach all alone, with zen type clutter-free counters and almost no stuff except laptop and a bookshelf of books. Pure minimalism. Husband or any other human is nowhere n sight. Ahhhhhhhhh.
LOL.
The mind shows pictures of how great it will be in the future if you make a change.
OR….how HORRIBLE.
Either one is fantasy.
What’s amazing is watching the mind do this, jump to one of the three “survivor” choices, without question.
When I do The Work, I get to see differently, and find new creative ways to work with what is. I get to communicate with the partner (if it’s a partner) or share and speak if its someone else.
With self-inquiry, we get to see what other options are possible besides believing “this relationship is a threat, it’s no good, I have to get away”.
It never means you don’t leave a situation or relationship that doesn’t work, or say goodbye and move on (that can be incredibly exciting).
But it’s nice to feel solid instead of pining for the past, or anticipating a disastrous future.
In our course, we get to do exercises with situations that repeat themselves, our fears, sadness, loss. All the exercises can apply really to any relationship where conflict arises.
AND, it’s incredibly sweet and bonding to be with all folks who are facing primary relationship troubles: should I stay or should I go? What brings up my anger? What am I afraid of here? How do I work with these patterns that feel so hard?
We’ve got room for a few more. We meet this Sunday, then no class on January 19th (I’m teaching Eating Peace Retreat next weekend) then seven more sessions on Sundays until March 8th. All are recorded so you can come and go as you need to if you can’t attend them all.
Join me and Nadine right here.
Today, I share a wonderful second interview with a certified facilitator Helena Montelius who experienced a profound piece of news from a former lover….and her story and inner work around this is amazing.
She learned from her former boyfriend that he had AIDS, and now, she did as well. She knew she was sick, and her practitioners had never tested for AIDS as they didn’t think of it–it hadn’t crossed their minds as an option.
Hear about her own “separation hell” to separation heaven in her own heart and mind. It’s incredibly inspiring on so may levels.
Much love,
Grace
