The other night I had a seizure. A thinking-feeling seizure.
For about an hour. Seriously.
You might think….wow, that’s a long time for an actual seizure.
Shouldn’t a seizure be only a few minutes? Or ten at the most? I mean, medically and all….
No. It was at least an hour. And OK, it was a thinking seizure, not a full-blown physical medical episode, and I see now how these kinds of seizures can go on for years, and years, without question.
But honestly….it was a thousand times shorter than the seizures I used to have.
Here’s what happened.
I listened to a dear friend who I adore (he really is wonderful, creative, and passionate) tell me about a predicament with his beloved partner.
I could see the scenes in my head.
Partner; overworked, crushed, losing job saying “Screw you Boss!” yet again, lying on couch in physical pain after being on feet for twelve hours.
My Friend; frustrated with partner for losing job, guilty for feeling angry (because–physical pain from working on feet for so many hours), terrified for need of money, ready to sell house.
On my way home in my car with my own husband and partner after the evening was over….
….Me; OMG I NEVER want this to happen to me! To us! You should earn more money and get a different job!
Marriages are liabilities! People get too dependent on each other!! Partners should happily love working hard and support their spouses! Committed couples should take care of each other financially!
Yes, it was flailing all over the place yelling completely opposing ideas.
And don’t pick “duds” for your primary relationship, by the way. As in, the ones who don’t work hard or don’t have good luck or aren’t supportive or who are screwed up.
People shouldn’t ever be burdened by their partner, financially or otherwise! EVER!
NEVER! EVER! GASP!!
(Seizure)!
The story I was remembering and telling and picturing in my head was an ancient one. That it’s best if the person with whom you are in relationship, live with, share time with or do things with as companions should have money, be a good worker or earner, pay their fair share and never lose their job. Right? They’re motivated, ambitious, and they want to get more money. And give it to you sometimes.
It’s pretty embarrassing.
Later, my very kind husband who is incredibly non-reactive and patient, said after I apologized for basically telling him he should quit his teaching job with kids and earn more….
“Yes, it was like you heard there were dangerous purple cows loose, and you freaked out about purple cows breaking down our door.”
He’s so awesome.
So let’s take a look at this old and stressful fairy tale about obligation in relationship.
Is it true that you have some kind of advantage if you’re in a relationship with someone who has money? Or a disadvantage if you’re in relationship with someone who doesn’t?
Yes. Duh.
But can you be sure? Are you positive that money in a primary relationship/partnership will bring you happiness, security, relaxation, peace? Are you sure lack of money from the partner will bring you unhappiness?
No.
I once dated a man with loads of cash, tons of assets and investments. We did many things where the bills were wildly beyond my limits for contributing. I visited luxury, in his presence. It was fun, sort of. For about ten minutes.
I saw it wasn’t true that it’s better if your spouse or companion has a lot of money. He was stressed, anxious, and unhappy. Even if he had been a deeply happy person, though (and sometimes, he WAS)….
….Money didn’t buy peace or trust or guarantees or support for us (for me). No way.
How do you react when you believe you need extra, or a buffer, a contribution, or someone to earn as much or more as a partner? And never lose their job?
Ugh.
I treat myself like what I do isn’t enough. I orient myself in the world of I-need-more or I-need-different. I secretly resent. I don’t trust that person’s own path. I envy other people in partnership with someone wealthy. I hyper-focus on money and financial assets. I think money means safety, or support, or love.
So who would I be without this very stressful fairy tale?
Without the belief that partners should make more, have more or give more money?
Without this thought, I feel so very excited. Relieved, and then beyond relief into joy. Aware of what is here supporting me. A chair, a floor. Air, water, creativity, life.
Without this entrenched and ancient story of money, and someone else’s money, supplying happiness or safety, I’m so free. I notice how happy and how safe I am right now. I notice how truly happy and kind my partner is, being himself, doing what he does.
I notice how everything necessary is here already, and nothing more is needed including luxuries. Those are fine, and entertaining, but certainly not required.
Turning the thought around: Being in a relationship is not a burden or a benefit (especially when it comes to money). I bring in what I do. So do they. We enjoy each other’s company. There is no advantage or disadvantage, if I am honest and clear every step of the way.
Wow. How could this be just as true, or truer?
Well, the other person has their own body, their own work and career, their own history, their own preferences. How can two people ever be….the same?
I love freedom. I love supporting the freedom of those I love, to have their own preferences and experiences and opinions.
It feels good, I notice, to participate in this thing called “work” in the world. To offer service. To give, to help out, to be creative in exchange for money or other benefits.
In fact, as I’ve done my own self-inquiry on “work” and “money” in life, I’ve gotten more and more excited and free when it comes to needing either one. It just feels natural to move into service. I never wanted to sit on the couch all day, anyway. I like working, learning, giving to others. Most of us do!
Turning it around again: Being in my own head, with all my stories about money and support and work and relationships, is a burden or a benefit.
Oh my. That’s truer.
When I think burdensome thoughts about partnership, when I have conditions or expectations, when I “need” money or support (and think I also need to give both)….
….then it never goes well.
It’s all about making deals. Tit for tat. Being fair. Giving and getting. Conditions. Wanting. Needing.
Yuck. It’s a lot of “work” to track all that.
What I notice about this inquiry, is I am free to be myself, to say “yes” and to say “no” with money, requests, needs, wants, hopes, expectations.
I just remembered when I was a young mother. I didn’t want to work, and I quit. I stayed home with my kids every day, happy not to be somewhere else I didn’t want to be. I felt a little upset about others wanting me to work, and earn more. (Oh boy, I remember how that felt–not so good).
And then I started wanting some adult time. I wanted to do something other than all-kids-all-the-time (I even homeschooled for awhile). I wanted balance. I wanted to use other skills.
Without having guilt, or rules, or terrors about who would suffer and what was “right” or “wrong” when it came to earning, or rebellious thoughts full of refusal to work….I got a part time job. It was fabulous. I worked with people in hospice. I was so grateful.
What freedom would you have, without your stories about what’s required or important in partnership, for you to be happy?
I’d be laughing about Purple Cow seizures with my loving, kind, brilliant partner. Unconditionally experiencing how supported we are, and how free.
Whether we have money, or not.
Much love,
Grace