Tag: question your thinking

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Seeing Through Your Fear To Be Safe

The darkness of fear is bleak, but are you sure the story you're telling is absolutely true?
The darkness of fear is bleak, but are you sure the story you’re telling is absolutely true?

Her eyes brimmed with tears, she looked as if her heart was breaking and she was trying not to feel it.

A woman who had come to work with me was on skype, but we could see each other clearly, it was almost like being in person, even though she was across the Atlantic Ocean.

She had discovered her long-term partner had been paying for porn sites on the internet, going to places to buy sexual experience, and ran up debt feeding what seemed like an addiction to casual or sexual encounters with people he didn’t know.

She found out because of a pocket-dial. One of those weird times where the cell phone accidentally gets tapped, makes the call, and a voicemail is recorded.

She heard a long, strange 4 minute voicemail that sounded completely bizarre, and she had questions.

The questions led to more questions, realizing her partner was lying.

We’ve all had moments when it seems like someone isn’t telling the truth, or they’re telling the partial truth, or something doesn’t add up.

It’s sooooo easy to begin the barrage of thinking when betrayal, panic, fear arises.

You really believe something’s awful, and you’re terrified.

I remember having the same kind of experience myself.

I was trying to reach a man I was interested in by phone. He normally was very available. Almost always picked up the phone, we’d have long conversations. We weren’t even in a relationship….but I thought it was going in that direction.

It didn’t matter if it was called a relationship or not a relationship.

The dreamy elixir of addictive thinking was present.

I need him. I want him. He adores me. He wants me. This is thrilling. This is fabulous. This is giddy. I can’t wait for the next call.

I called back two hours later. No answer. I called back before bed. No answer. I texted the next day. No answer.

Five days later, he called and told me all about his sexcapades, illegal activity, strange dark unhappy environments.

Oh.

That’s the way it is.

And then a whole other pile of thoughts fly in like a tidal wave.

What an idiot I’ve been. I can’t believe I picked that person. He’s so wrong. I don’t need him. I don’t want him. I was so mistaken. This sucks.

Crash.

The world collapses. The dream is over.

But who would any of us be if we didn’t have the beliefs in either the ecstasy or the hell of love relationships? If we didn’t think they could save us, or kill us? If we didn’t cling to others, or avoid others?

Who would we BE without the belief that relationships offer something “special” whether it’s uplifting or earth-shattering?

Kinda weird, right?

What if we really investigated the beliefs that partnerships are such a big honkin’ deal?

Immediately, I find a middle road opening as if fog is parting, and there’s a path.

It’s OK to walk the path alone, it’s OK to walk the path holding someone’s hand, it’s OK to walk the path with a few close friends, it’s OK to walk the path with a whole group arm in arm together for awhile, and then alone again.

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look.” ~ Pema Chodron

And so I began the journey with my client that day. The journey of taking a good look.

Remembering my own looking as we investigate together.

Turning everything around: I am not abandoned now, I abandoned myself in that situation, I am set free, I do not know where this is really going, things come and things go including relationships, things are torn apart, things are built up, there is movement, all is very well except in my thinking.

Could all these things be just as true, or truer?

Yes.

“There is no greater illusion than fear, no greater wrong than preparing to defend yourself, no greater misfortune than having an enemy. Whoever can see through all fear will always be safe.” ~ Tao Te Ching #46

Much love, Grace

 

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Be Full of Love–Question Your Fears

So much can happen in a split second inside the imagination.

Get this.

I’m in a long-hours retreat weekend for three full days, 10 am until 11 pm-ish every day. It’s got the schedule of a hard-core zen retreat. We stand up and stretch for one minute intervals, there are two thirty minute breaks and one 90 minute meal break.

The second evening….or I should call it NIGHT since it was 11:45 pm, I decide to call my husband, hours away, on his own separate personal growth type retreat with a small group and a familiar beloved teacher for him.

As I walk to my car, my workshop day over, glancing at my text messages, emails and incoming calls missed all day, before I dial, I consider the hour.

It’s a bit late.

He might already be sleeping. He might be sleeping with a roommate or others in ear shot of the phone. He might be out of cell range. I have no idea of his environment.

Just about midnight.

I fire up the car, get the ice scraper out, clear the windshield. I begin my own drive home (for my retreat, I’m sleeping at home every night). I decide to go ahead and dial, thinking if he’s not available I’ll leave a newsy message, the kind I love to get, and wait to connect with him when we see each other again in person in a few days.

Ring Ring Ring.

I hear fumbling, a small thumping sound. Silence.

I say “hello?” Then I hear nothing. I check the phone screen. Yes, I am connected. Someone has answered his phone.

I say again “hello?”

Nothing.

I wait. It seems like I hear some foot steps. I imagine him quickly trying to hold the phone in a muffled position, exiting a dark room full of sleeping people, or a late-night retreat session, or a deep after-retreat-hours conversation about what’s being learned or discussed.

I better not talk, in case there’s total silence wherever he is and my voice would penetrate the room, coming out of the phone!

I wait. But then I say again….”Hello?” kind of anxious.

The phone screen shows seconds ticking by.

Then I hang up, feeling a little embarrassed.

Not that he would ever get upset about being called in the middle of something important, he’s not the sort to blame that on me, or anyone else. He’d be quite exceptional that way, actually, trusting that whatever incoming noises, rings and beeps occurred were for some good reason. He’d probably be amused about whatever went on. One of the most accepting and easy-going people I know.

And yet still. I should have known it was too late.

Arggh.

I should have asked him if I could call. I shouldn’t have rung his phone.

I turn on the CD and listen to a great lecture where I left off last time I was in the car, and listen to it all the way home.

In the morning, I notice….oh. There’s a voicemail.

From my husband. One minute after I phoned him last night.

He’s cheerily saying “what’s up? I saw you called but couldn’t hear anything! Call me back if you want.”

My imagination had gone through visions in tiny sparky flashes of my call causing a ring causing a disturbance causing irritation. My mind’s idea of the scene even pictured a frantic run out of a dark room, throwing a loud ringing phone out a window (what were those bump noises anyway).

My mind had even flashed on someone ELSE picking up the phone and answering it, someone who happened to be near my husband’s phone.

All that….and fortunately no intensity going anywhere. I slept well. No biggie.

But the scenes were there, the thinking had been immediately busy.

In those kinds of moments when worry starts to tweak you with pictures or creative ideas about what’s happening…

…remember to ask if it’s true.

Because, in that moment, that question was alive and well. I knew I had no idea what was happening. The movie playing was even rather entertaining.

But this is not always the case.

If you believe your worries, they turn into anxieties, then fear, then terror, then you’re flooded and overwhelmed with terrified feelings, darkness and hell.

All from not remembering to wonder “is this vision true?”

Reality check.

Look around. Nothing is happening.

I dialed a number. The phone on the other end was answered, apparently. There was a little sound, then silence.

That’s what actually happened.

One of my favorite things to do after learning of my mind’s capacity for fear-compulsion-addiction is to check out if things are true that I imagined, that I “guessed” were true.

When I called him back, I shared with him what I was seeing in my mind during those 46 seconds.

He chuckled and said “not even close.”

“It is this very personal relationship with thought that is the cause of all the fear, ignorance, and suffering which characterizes the human condition, and which destroys the manifestation of true Love in this life. As long as your experience of self and life is defined by the mechanical, conditioned, and compulsive movement of thought, you are bound to a very, very limited perception of what is real…..
…..Experience your eternalness, your holiness, your awakeness until you are convinced that you are never subject to the movement of thought, of fear, or of time. To be free of fear is to be full of Love.” ~ Adyashanti

Anyone can do this. You do not need to be special.

To be full of love, you need only to stop and see if what you are imagining is actually true.

See if there is something present besides thinking.

See if you are safe.

I don’t really know why and how my visions are created, and why so much believing, repeating thoughts, fixating on images and concepts has occurred in the past without questioning any of it.

One day, I found out about questioning what was real.

So now that I know about inquiry, now that I know to ask what is true….ahhhhhhh.

Drama, entertainment, and laughter for us all.

And lots of love.

You’re full of love, too. You might not see it if you’ve been scared, but I know it’s there.

Much love, Grace

P.S. There’s an opening in Year of Inquiry for our wonderful phone sessions. Gather with others and inquire every week via teleconference on a specific painful belief. Inquiry circle from anywhere in the world! Monthly fee, send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com for more information.

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Change The World By Answering Good Questions

Someone asked me yesterday why I do what I do.

Why do I write Grace Notes, why do I love to work with people in self-inquiry in this particular way–identifying thoughts and questioning them–why am I creating Eating Peace, and why am I so passionate about inquiry?

I loved considering my answer.

Why do I do it?

It’s easy.

Because I’ve watched self-inquiry changing my life, every day, andthe lives of people I work with. I love swimming in the great question of what is real, true, what’s happening here in this thing called life, what the mind is, how things work most easily here.

I love experiencing liberation and being surrounded by others who do the same…and watching the numbers of people finding freedom build.

This isn’t just a little thing, a little life change.

It’s a massive, completely different change of how I’m walking through life, of how life is unfolding itself right in front of me.

Others feel the same who stop, inquire, examine their minds, feel what’s happening.

I didn’t even know, when I was a teenager and feeling very angry, disturbed and frightened, with my head hanging over the toilet throwing up food, or having a food binge, that I would no longer feel that way one day in the future.

But I was determined to figure it out, whatever it took to end the violence.

When I began my search for peace so long ago, I just wanted the pain to stop. My reason for doing what I did was to calm down, and get through this thing called life. Being successful would be a bonus.

I’d settle for no terrible pain and suffering.

Slowly but surely, something began to change. Like the world very, very slowly becoming living color instead of black and white.

“Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.” ~ Dorothy

Since that time of hoping for the thorn to be removed from my brain (the painful and untrue thinking) I’ve been moved to pursue many things.

Some things started out passionately, and then I dropped them. Some activities fizzled out.

 

Classes, activities, houses I lived in, places I moved, school programs, training programs, hobbies, self-improvement plans, therapy, even some relationships.

My inquiry started long before I heard of many of the teachers I know of now, like Byron Katie.

My life took a turn, for what I now know was the better. Dropping out of college, focusing on my own personal stability, recovery, and therapy.

I was lucky that way.

But once I reached solid ground, and appeared to stay there, why did I keep going?

Because that person asked me yesterday, I thought about it.

I realized with a wave of tingling warmth moving through me that the reason I do what I do, today, is because I absolutely LOVE people.

I love helping people get from horror to hope to laughter to peace.

I love sharing their journeys, this crazy journey called a life. The intimacy and kindness is stunning, the joy is so very happy.

It’s like the way I love dancing!

Everyone joining together on the dance floor, no matter what shape you’re in, no matter what kind of physical condition, and moving to the music.

Everyone together. No depression, no violence, no prison.

Most of all, the reason I do what I do is the love I see opening everyone up, as they inquire into reality.

People stop feeling so afraid, they stop being so critical, they stop hating themselves, stop acting out addictions, they stop overeating (one of my personal favorites), they stop drinking, they stop obsessing and panicking, they let go of their very prison-like beliefs that hurt so much.

Why do I do what I do?

I love participating in a world that’s waking up all around me, in every direction I look, and being a part of this astonishing process.

And I want every person who has ever hated themselves (especially for eating, either too much, too little, too imperfectly, or some other complaint) to love themselves unconditionally instead.

Why are you doing what you do?

I always love a great question. Great questions change the world.

“We are each made for goodness, love and compassion. Our lives are transformed as much as the world is when we live with these truths.” ~ Desmond Tutu
 

Much love,

Grace

 

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Never Stop Trying, Change The World

keepgoingWWGI can hardly believe it. Something good has happened. Something I was dreaming of happening for a long time.

Beyond expectation, really.

Have you ever had that experience?

You’ve been working towards something, running, stepping back, carrying on….and something wonderful happens.

A dream, come true.

You say while shaking your head and tearing up with the sheer joy of it….“wow, this is amazing, I can hardly believe it!”

One of my dreams is gathering many together in community, growing a practice, creating things that help people….

….and it’s happening.

I’m almost full for the Year of Inquiry program starting next week, like bursting full of truly incredible people.

I should probably replace the word “people” with “women” because we are all women. Women flying from several parts of the country for the retreats, women from Seattle. Women from England, Germany, Spain, Canada, some enrolled in the teleclass portion only.

Women who are already certified facilitators in The Work, many women who have attended The School for The Work, and women brand new to The Work.

I feel like my peeps are showing up, ready to practice deeply looking.

Together.

That’s what we’re doing….and it has strength and wonder in it.

I’ve worked with many people who have dreams for their future, secret wishes (or not so secret), visions.

They’d truly love to find a mate, to end the Not Enough story, to feel close with their teens, to be entirely healthy, to run a thriving business, to publish a book, to stop obsessing, to visit that other country, to loose all their extra weight, to love themselves, to make a decent living, to become enlightened.

They might feel like months, years go by but little or not enough “progress”.

Not there yet. Lots of effort. Not making it fast enough. Gotta figure this out.

But who would you be without the belief that you could never achieve that thing, or have what you desire or picture?

Without the belief that you can’t, or it’s too hard, or you don’t have enough time, or money, or you’re just too tired, or too old, or missing something?

Without those thoughts I notice how I keep living, dreaming, creating, trying different paths, without the belief that movement towards something is futile.

Today.

I keep discovering ideas. I keep writing. I keep working, I keep loving all the people I connect with, I keep going.

I keep refining, joyfully, myself…..as service.

Sometimes people think they shouldn’t want stuff, like cars, or fame, or being the creator of something helpful, or awakening.

“I just won’t want that, ever again…I’ll give up having desire!”

Who would you be without that story?

I’d be noticing that I am not the one running things around here. I move, life moves, everything unfolding in perfect order. A deep knowing in my heart that if I died tomorrow, I’m doing just what I most love to do today.

Only today.

If you have dreams of achieving, getting there, finding that, arriving, accomplishing….

….who would you be without any belief at all about having to get there, about needing to be THERE (in the future) in order to be truly happy?

“I say, skip the middleman, and be happy and free from where you are right now….The whole world is simply MY story, projected back to me on the screen of my own perception. All of it.” ~ Byron Katie

When I question my thinking, investigate what is really true, break apart and look with a flashlight inside these stressful thoughts….

….it is sincerely not necessary to have or gain that thing in the future.

And then, oh weird, that thing I wanted comes forth, or something even better.

“Spirituality begins when you decide that you’ll never stop trying. Spirituality is the commitment to go beyond yourself every minute of every day for the rest of your life….Eventually you will realize that it cannot actually hurt you to go beyond your psychological limits. If you are willing to just stand at the edge and keep walking, you will go beyond….Go beyond where you were a minute ago by handling what’s happening now.”~ Michael Singer

Feel your great desires today. Love them with all your heart, in this moment right now. Question your stressful thinking about what feels scary, or difficult.

I know you can do it, because I’m doing it.

And I am no different from you.

And although it is totally unnecessary, if you’re drawn because you love this investigation, there are two spots left in Year of Inquiry. We start next week.

A collective group of people who are conscious of living in the soup of conditioned beliefs passed along from generation to generation…..and who want to question them and find out the truth.

Question your thinking, change your world.

Much love, Grace

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The Universe Gave Me Poop

Liberty Street BridgeThe smell was not going away.

There it was again. A whiff through the air when opening the washing machine. Leaning down closely to the open door and drawing a big breath through the nose.

No, not right here. But where? Where is that smell coming from?

Once again, I went through the routine of following my nose through the kitchen. Seems like it’s near the oven, but the oven is super clean (in fact the entire kitchen has been scrubbed down, pine sol poured into the garbage disposal, every cupboard entirely cleaned out).

It’s not the new fridge, that thing is brand spankin’ new.

My husband, who by the way doesn’t really smell any of this until now, wonders if it’s a dead animal under the house?

No one wants to go under the cottage into the crawl space. A friend comes over who isn’t afraid, he has a big flashlight.

He doesn’t have to go in more than one foot, and he sees broken pipes….

….and….brown stuff, under the pipes on the ground.

Our friend says “fecal matter”. 

We have a real, live, cesspool under our house. The toilet, shower, sink and washing machine have been dumping under the house for who knows how long. Maybe many months.

Great.

Kaboom. Stress. NOOOOOOOOO!

How much is this going to cost to fix?!!

The thoughts started in like a heavy rain storm pounding.

Just when I think I’m going to leave a small amount in savings, just when I thought we were done with house repairs (new roof this past winter), oh sure now that I’m entirely running on my own income another emergency, I can never get ahead, there is always someplace my money has to go, I can’t ever stop working working working, it’s not possible to rest or enjoy life, I hate being a homeowner, the universe is out to get me.

All from the thought “gross” to “how much?” to “I’m doomed” in less than two minutes.

Clenched fist punching the sky.

But luckily for me….the Money teleclass was about to start. So my mind was extra open and fresh and curious about money stories and the people writing to sign up.

Or maybe it was all the accumulated effect of doing the work on surprise alarming situations, many many times.

Something paused on the inside of me and didn’t go all the way down the hole. Almost as fast as the intense sinking, depressed, crushed feeling….came a whisper in my mind “is that true?”

This situation MEANS that the universe is out to get me…..but is that really true?

Do you have a situation like that?

It doesn’t have to be about money. You know the feeling.

Disaster. Terror. Rug pulled out and you are falling, falling and it hurts. Something feels like chaos. The unknown is pressing in.

This is strange though….but really look at your situation and see if you are totally and completely crushed, if you are destroyed, ruined, condemned.

Are you positive the universe is out to get you? Is it 100% mean, vicious, sadistic?

Stop and feel the moment. Just stop.

I was in my kitchen and even though a huge truck was pulling up, with special giant vacuum hoses and men with suits that zipped up over their heads, masks, booties that covered their shoes….

….something on the inside had stopped.

This is fascinating. Look how amazing this is. Wow, these guys have this job? Holy cow, what a crazy job–they clean up poop and sewage. What a cool and bizarre occupation. I wonder how much the hourly guys get paid?

Then, wow.

Their job matches my job. Mine is on the inside. Theirs is on the outside.

It’s a massive Clean Up job.

Time to get down under my house and start vacuuming. No matter what the smell, no matter how disgusting, ugly, frightening, creepy, sick, ill or old my thoughts are.

Time to expose them to the light.

I started laughing.

How do I react when I believe the thought that I am doomed and the universe is out to get me? That I can’t stand this and don’t have enough resources (money, time, energy, love) to help my situation?

Ugh. It’s like being kicked in the stomach.

I feel angry with the pipes. They should be intact. I feel guilty and enraged all at once with the condition of the earth under my cottage. I have visions of what it looks like down there, even though I haven’t even actually seen it myself. One of the clean up guys says there were a lot of maggots and maggot eggs.

OMG. Ewww.

You may have pictures in your mind of a terrible, difficult future. Of a life not worth living. You may be seeing a horror movie in your head.

But who would you be without this belief that the universe is out to crush you?

Sometimes, if your situation feels extreme and dire and grave, you may have to pause a moment and use your incredible imagination.

Yes, you have an imagination….have you noticed? Like the-whole-universe-hates-you-and-this-proves-it imagination?

May as well put that imagination to use in a way that feels better, since it’s going nuts anyway.

Who would you be if you couldn’t even have the thought that you’re doomed?

I see that in this moment, with guys in hazmat suits (because of this incident, I learned the word hazmat for the first time) life is exceptionally entertaining.

Really.

Guys are shouting and changing filters and bagging up huge black plastic garbage bags of “contaminated material”.

I have a live action movie happening in my own back yard.

Something is sprayed under the house with the word “enzyme” and a big chemical smell, but better than putrid stinky smell, invades the house, and then fades out within 24 hours.

And the guy tells me it will be $930.

Is that all?

No money terror, pipe fixed, smell gone, mind laughing, fun story added to life experiences, appreciation felt.

The same as when I question my troubled, ugly, stinking, dark, horror show thoughts about life.

I clean it up.

It smells better.

It’s waaaaay more fun, and entertaining. No complaints.

“To me, a car alarm is as beautiful as a bird singing. It’s all the sound of God. By its very nature, the mind is infinite. Once it has questioned its beliefs, it can find beauty in all things; it’s that open and free. This is not a philosophy. This is how world really is…..A mind that doesn’t question its judgments makes the world very small and dangerous. It must continue to fill the world with bad things and bad people, and in doing so it creates its own suffering.” ~ Byron Katie

Can I find beauty in a sewer spill?

Can I find beauty in a twisted mental freaked out fear-based story of complaining?

Does it get cleaned up?

Yes.

Much love, Grace

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Question Your Past, Change Your Future

Is it time to practice, contemplate, and learn even more in the School of Your Life?

Two spots left for Mini Retreat in northeast Seattle at Goldilocks Cottage this coming Saturday 1:30-5:30 pm. Earn 4 CEUs for mental health professionals.

Click here to register and join us!

An online version of this retreat is in the works (thank you all who have written to request this). Stay tuned.

And speaking of taking time to sit and do The Work….

….someone asked me the other day about doing The Work when her anxiety is very high, when the situation is frightening, when she feels panic.

It all depends.

Every situation is unique, and sometimes, there are moments where movement and action appears to be the most natural or obvious activity, not necessarily stopping to take out a pen and paper.

It seems there is a natural place self-inquiry; observing, contemplating, and slowing down, feels loving and gentle and full of insight.

Right in the middle of a huge car accident is not necessarily the time to rush to the middle of the street and ask a person with a broken or hurt body “can you absolutely know this is true?”

When someone is full of shock, or grief, or fear….the feelings coursing through their body may seem to have a life of their own, a movement of nature.

Eckhart Tolle describes in his book The Power of Now a moment where he watched two ducks sail towards each other on a still pond, ready to attack and defend their own territories.

A skirmish ensued, biting, snapping.

Then, the fight was over. As Eckhart watched, he noticed the ducks both moving in opposite directions, flapping their wings, as if shaking off excess energy.

He goes on to describe his reflections on this surge of energy, this apparently intense experience, and how the human mind often grabs something that creates intense feeling, and begins to obsess, think, and/or ruminate on what happened.

“If the duck had a human mind, it would keep the fight alive by thinking, by story-making. This would probably be the duck’s story: ‘I don’t believe what he just did. He came to within 5 inches of me. He thinks he owns this pond. He has no consideration for my private space. I’ll never trust him again. Next time he’ll try something else just to annoy me. I’m sure he’s plotting something already. But I’m not going to stand for this. I’ll teach him a lesson he won’t forget.’ And on and on the mind spins its tales, still thinking and talking about it days, months, or years later.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

The thought of inquiry and using the mind to investigate what is true, is of course absurd for animals in nature….but I love that the human mind has this possibility for deep understanding.

So, a situation occurs that produces stress of some kind. Fear, sadness, anger, rage, upset, worry.

There is a surge of energy. The feelings course through the body.

You will know when that wave of feeling would naturally be over……when you have entered a place where you are keeping the memory alive, replaying it, recreating it, talking about it yet again.

That is the perfect time for The Work.

The perfect time to have great compassion for yourself, instead of telling yourself you SHOULD be over it by now.

That situation happened. There is no changing it, no matter how much you wish you could alter the past.

And yet, as you question your very painful beliefs about that fight that happened, the fear, the person you encountered, that uncomfortable conversation, the difficult incident, that accident, the emergency you lived through….

….you can come to peace with reality. You can see that what happened is now truly over.

If you’d like to dive in and take a look at your relationship to someone from the past, to a troubling memory, to your career or money….anything that creates stress when you think about it….

…then set aside some time to sit quietly and go through the process of inquiring into your own mind.

If you’d like support to keep yourself sitting in that chair (instead of getting up to do the laundry or check emails) then join a small group in a powerful in-person half-day retreat this coming Saturday in Seattle.
Any topic, person, situation, experience, or dilemma that you’d like to understand better, meet with compassion, or shift, is welcome for The Work.
If you live far away from Seattle or wouldn’t be able to come, then gather several friends and create your own retreat.
The freedom of being at peace with that past situation could change your entire future.
I’ve found this to be true for me.
“When we take care of the past, when we question what we are believing about the past, it shifts…..The future can only be projected from the past, so when we love our past, because we have done The Work with it, then we love the future. So any images that come, we are in a constant state of not just acceptance, but excitement.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace